Thursday, December 23, 2004

goodbye purdue, hello adulthood

kinda freaks me out to think about this but 48 hours ago from right now, this very minute, i was just hanging out with janna and lindsey, enjoying what we all silently knew was, our last day on campus...

weird, it feels like it was a lot longer than that ago. and i actually thought it would feel a lot more surreal than it did, but this time, it actually felt real.

we were leaving. we had to go.

and maybe it had something to do with the fact that lisa had already left and we'd already said goodbye to her, or maybe it had to do with the couch being gone, our dressers being empty, our beds being bare... i'm not sure where to place the blame. but either way, that night, it felt completely real that we had to go.

i was sad all night but i really didn't cry. i think it's because i was so sad that i couldn't feel it, that's my guess. the next day though, was when it hit me. all along i sort of knew that would be the case, that it would be when i actually had to pull out of that parking lot, pass the union for the last time, drive past the bookstores, past the bars, knowing that the next time i see all of these things that feel so incredibly like home to me, they will no longer be home.

and that's exactly what happened- i was the last to leave the apartment and with everyones keys in my hand, i grabbed the last bundle of my stuff, walked halfway out the door, and paused to turn around and glance at this now empty apartment, a place with four months of memories that had suddenly become bare, and i sort of silently said goodbye and i walked out... in the car, i lost it.

and pretty much the entire way to state road 65 i wasn't exactly stable. i knew that the minute i ramped onto that highway, the next stage of my life had begun and i couldn't turn back. and that was scary. and the ride was long, and tough, because every song in some way reminded me of school and friends, and this lifestyle i had learned to absolutely love, and meanwhile i'm heading home for good sort of watching those things in my rearview...

but, that's that. and i'm home. and i said goodbye to college, and i know it's time to move on. so i unpacked, still trying to get my room situated although it's kinda hard, trying to get reaquainted with home, trying to find a job, and trying really hard to accept adulthood.

thanks purdue for the memories
if i had to do it all again,
i'd do it exactly the same.

Monday, December 13, 2004

wrapping up and then wrapping presents

gosh, it's so crazy. three tests this week and a paper and i'm officially finished with my degree. to be honest, i thought i would be a lot more sad than i am right now and i honestly think the reason i'm not is because it doesn't feel real

it just feels like another christmas break

graduations always seem so far in the future, you never really think about it until it's happening... on the way to school my dad told me that he cried his whole way home from college and went on to tell me about his reunions, and how, he always expected to go back and have things stay exactly the same but they never did... and he coined the phrase:

you know it's sad, the college is a big part of you
but you're not really a big part of it

and although true that made me really sad. i mean the college just keeps going. purdue will just keep accepting freshmen and continuing academic life as usual, it really doesn't hold on to us much once we go.

which feels so weird because right now at this very moment purdue feels like it's ours. like we've been here 4 1/2 years, we know this place inside out, and everywhere you go you see someone you know...

but the reality of it is that once we leave campus, we kinda let that part go.

and i guess part of me is ready, i mean i don't know what else i could have really done to enjoy my time here. i've definitely had a blast and that's just it, i've had my time here. i've had it. it's someone elses turn.

so of course, it's going to be hard to leave here, but for whatever reason, i just don't feel it yet.

but on a positive note, while my dad said that school is never the same once you leave, he did say that when you're with the people you went to school with, even at 55 years old, you're right back where you were when you were 21. that part doesn't change at all.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

364 days until i need a whole box of candles

i was thinking today about birthdays, for a few reasons: one being that my birthday just passed, and two being that it was a particularly memorable one, maybe the most memorable one for me so far...

and i'm like anyone else with birthdays, i can get pretty selfish. i want a celebration, and i want presents. i'm being honest. admit it, you're like that too. everyone is.

and this year, the day after my birthday, i took a few steps back and i thought "wow, i know a lot of really great people." i can't explain the gratitude i have for the past week of my life. for my surprise party at school, for my friends at home all planning a surprise, for the extreme amount of phone calls and emails i received on sunday, for the gifts and cards i received...

and in taking few steps back i felt ashamed for expecting so much on my birthday... you know? i wanted that party, i half-expected all of those phone calls... in fact, i would have been upset if i didn't get them.

there's nothing right about that.

and so today, 364 days until i use up an entire box of candles, the day after my 23rd birthday, my first day without medical insurance, 2 1/2 weeks from graduating college, 3 days after a serious car accident, i've realized, through the awe of the people who made this past week unbelievable for me, that i should really stop expecting things like this. i'm so lucky to have them.

my dad actually said this phrase to me in the car yesterday,

"You are my life."

seems kinda right out of a hallmark movie or something, doesn't it? i mean, i really have that. my dad actually said that. i told anne today, and she told me "you're so lucky to have such a great dad." i said, "yeah, i know" and that's when i started to think...

who could really ask for anything else? what else could you even need?

so, in my first post as a 23 year old, thank you to everyone who made my birthday, and way beyond my birthday, my time here, my life, every moment, great.

Monday, November 22, 2004

chapter six

if you know me or even if you just check out this page every once in awhile, i'm about to tell you something you already know: i don't do real well with change.

and i was thinking about this today because it's not like changes in my life just sort of sneak up on me--i am so aware that they are coming at all times, and i act and think according to these psuedo deadlines that i know, are going to really throw me off for awhile...

it never seems real. it always seems like you can hang on. for a little longer.

i always think of that line at the end of ferris bueller

"life moves pretty fast--if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you could miss it. "

exaggeration maybe, but not rediculously. it takes a long time to pick up and move on when familiarities vanish and priorities change. it's really hard to understand.

thus far in my life, i think of change in terms of either geographically moving or moving on to a new part of school (graduating 8th grade, graduating high school, and now, college). and it's strange because at the end of each of these so called, "chapters" of my life, i always see no hope. i always think the best part has ended.

and it's because it's all relative, we live in the here and now, we feel whats true now, we hold on to what we have, we are absolutely scared of moving forward...

but although in each of those scenerios (moving to chicago, transfering schools, going to high school, going away to college...) i have found that, each new chapter really exceeded the previous ones. so all in all, while i thought something was ending, something more important was really beginning.

so i can't help but be sad of course, when i pack my bags in a few weeks here and wave off a really significant part of my life, being here at school, knowing that, once i step foot off of this campus this december, it really never will be the same... and i think about this, but then, i force myself to think about the fact that, yes, i'm leaving a lot when i leave here, but i have gained so much more. i have so much more love in my life, so much more happiness, so much more greatness from the people that i know, so many new lessons, so much more strength, among other things, that i didn't have when i came here as an 18 year old.

and like i said, so far, each chapter has gotten better...

whos to say that pattern won't continue? i think it will.

the least important thing i am leaving purdue with is a degree, in my opinion. i have formed a strong understanding of the person that i have become, and i have grown to love that person. i have linked myself with people that i undoubtedly know i met for a reason in my lifetime, i will have these things forever...

it's almost wrong to sit around and pity myself for the fact that i have to leave--

because, i am leaving with so much more than i came with...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

from konah

konah has this on her AIM profile, i like it:

Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

thanks kones

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

testing, testing 1....2....3

sometimes i feel like the world is like amy--here's a test. i'm going to throw a lot of things at you at once and just watch how you handle it...

because i can't find any other explanation as to why all of these stupid things happen to me. and that they would happen at once.

so let me just say--when i feel threatened for whatever reason, i tend to run. and i'm okay with that because i think it's a lot better than being a bitch. it's not that i'm not opinionated or strong, because i am both of those things... i guess i just don't see any priority in making a big deal of things that in the long run, don't matter.

see i'm thinking about it in terms of my family--because my family has seen both worlds. my brother and i have been your typical teenage spoiled brats with a great dad with a great job, and we've both become your gratetful-for-everthing-we've-gotten-in-my-lives grown up kids with a great dad with no job.

i'm grateful for that because it makes me appreciative of things and it puts things in perspective. it makes me realize what matters.

and for a long time i didn't realize all of that and i regret it more than anything. i couldn't tell you the amount of times that i made things trivial that weren't at all... i'm ashamed of it.

but you know i'm happy that i can admit my faults now. a lot of people still can't do that. i'm happy i can look back and say "i was stupid but at least i learned." a lot of people can't do that either.

i'm well aware of the fact that life is this way. i don't want pity for anything that happens in my life anymore. i mean, i may want someone to listen once in awhile, but i don't want them to feel bad for me. theres's a difference. trust me, no one wants to feel bad for anybody that is asking for someone to feel bad for them.

but i guess, all and all after this rant... my point is that...

in my old age, i have come to discover that life is just too damn short. cliched as it may be, it's absolutely true. we spend too much time worrying about things that don't matter, and too little time caring about people that matter more than we know.

and in an instance, your life as you know it can be taken away from you. remember that. we have no contracts. we have no guarantees.

now do you want it to be too late when you realize that?

because you can start to realize it right now.

Monday, November 01, 2004

affording the void

the older i get i start to realize the connections i have made with people in my lifetime, those that will last, those that will probably fade, and those that will change, but will still be okay...

and there's like this comfort around the fact that for the most part, people don't change a whole lot. and because of that you can usually tell a real friendship because you can pick up right where you left off. i've tried my entire life to figure out if i really believe that--because it reminds me of one of those like cliched friendship quotes that everyone just kind of abides by and puts in their best friends scrapbook--but i really do.

i truly believe that any real relationships people have will withstand anything and at the end of the day, the relationship is still very present, even if it went unnoticed for awhile. people don't stop caring about each other--that's the thing. life just gets busy sometimes. and if you can pick up right where you left off, then it's okay for life to get busy sometimes. and you have to let it. it's all part of the game of balance that we all play.

it's similar to that notion of a comfortable silence...that you know when you have formed a real relationship with someone because you can sit in silence but it isn't awkard at all... it's because you can afford the void, the same way you can with losing touch for awhile. if you know someone and have enough trust in them, you know things will be ok at the end of the void. and so, that void is, in a way, welcomed.

i was filling out this thing today and one of the questions was "what is the best feeling in the world?" and i thought about it for a really long time because i assumed typical answer would be love and i just thought i could do better than that. anyway, interesting--what i came up with was appreciation. interesting. but really, what is better than feeling appreciated? that's what complements are all about and complements are what makes us feel good right? i mean is there a better thing in the world than knowing exactly how important you are to someone? i think that's what keeps us going, in a way.

just somethings to think about
pretty random post
it's late

Friday, October 29, 2004

my five minutes

this is something i've been thinking about, from time to time, for awhile, but i guess the reason i haven't approached it as far as writing about it is because i really can't find a conclusion... and so i'm going to give explaining it a try.

i don't know what it is about me but there are times i just feel really removed from things. it's not like i feel like i shouldn't be here or anything like that, but it's like i have two really strong feelings and they are polar opposites. one is that i'm social, loving and enjoying life, hanging out with friends, having fun... the other is that i sort of feel removed from all of that. and it's not that i think the first part doesn't exist, i still realize and like where i stand in peoples lives, but it's like i'm watching it all happen from somewhere else rather than actually being there, being involved.

and i can't figure it out.

and the weirdest part about it all is that i don't think i was always that way. so i don't know where it came from.

kind of weird, i know. believe me i know.

but on a side note from that, on my way home from class today i realized that my favorite part of the day is this five minute period of time when i'm walking home from class--and there's two blocks prior to this were you see people you know, walk past fraternities, walk past strangers--but then you cross a busy street and for about two blocks or so until my apartment i am in absolute solitude. i see a few people, maybe, but most of the time i am just thinking about things and looking around me, and it sounds stupid but it really is my favorite part of the day. it puts me in a great mood to have those five minutes of peace.

even if it is just five minutes.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

well i guess this is growing up

i've been dreading it like you wouldn't believe... but today i gave in.
i started looking for jobs, writing cover letters, fixing up my resume, getting stuff out

it's exciting, it's depressing, it's a lot of things. but i know that it has to be done. it's crazy how fast it happens that your childhood is sort of yanked from underneath you and you are just pushed out the door and told, in not so many words, to grow up.

the end of college seems closer every day, and growing with it is the reality of the statement "I have to get a job." and the thing is, i'm really excited to work and make money, pay off things i need to pay off, get my own awesome place... i am just not excited about the search process involved in all of that.

the way i see itit's a whole lot of rejection, a whole lot of effort, and a whole lot of trying to make yourself sound unbelievable... on paper. and then even when you get the job, you've got to do that whole "proving yourself" process over again, only this time in person. it stresses me out to think about all of that.

what it comes down to though is that i know i have to move home and i've accepted that, but i don't want to be there a long time. i don't want to be inactive, acting like i'm going back to school in a few months, hoping a job just lands itself in my mailbox. i know that isn't going to happen.

and now comes that whole balance thing--spending my last six weeks of college trying to get a job, yet also realizing these weeks are, without a doubt, my last opportunity to actually be a kid. to live it up, to have no responsibilities, to have a ton of fun and leave this place with a bang... and so where does priority come in? i guess that's my choice.

either way, i'm going to end with ben folds

everybody knows it sucks to grow up
but everybody does
it's so weird to be back here
the years go on and
we're still fighting it

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

can you imagine us years from today

there is nothing like spending a weekend with old friends,

people you don't see all that often anymore but when you do see each other,

no matter the interem of absense

the laughter sounds the same
and good times are a given

and then upon later reflection you realize something to the effect of
'i will know and love and laugh with these people for the rest of my life'

and that months later, or years later

the laughter will still sound the same
and good times will still be a given

and that although passing time sometimes alters things
some things are too powerful

even for time

Thursday, October 14, 2004

i've been afraid of changing cause i...

you know, there's things i really hate about myself but it's almost like it's too late to change them-- like somewhere along the way they were just embedded into my head and it's just the way i am, and there's no going back from here you know but

it is so frustrating to know that. like if i don't like something about myself why can't i change it? because old habits are hard to break, right, but aren't you ultimately in control of your own actions? how come sometimes they are so hard to mentally override?

i mean...

why can't i sometimes stop myself from joining conversations that talk bad about people?
it might feel good at the time, i feel terrible about it later. who am i? someone who cares so much what someone thinks of them, yet i still find the power within me to talk about other people? that makes me sick.

why can't i compromise once in awhile and do some things that i really don't want to do?

why do i not find enough time in my day to do something out of the ordinary to help someone?

why do i let other peoples opinions influence me so much?
why do i automatically turn everything people say to me into something negative?

why do i smile sometimes when i'm really so sad?
and why do i cry sometimes, but have absolutely no explanation for it?

why do i sometimes stay up all night beating myself up over things that probably don't even matter?
when everyone else can just go to sleep...

why do i like to win arguments? why do i need to win arguments?

why do i appreciate everything my parents do for me but then still treat them badly sometimes?

why do i have such a problem with forgiving people?
because i truly want to forgive people, i just really struggle with it

why do i hate some people that love me, and love some people that hate me?
and why do i care so much about some people even though i know it's just going to hurt me?

why do i believe so much in saying what you feel but yet, i can't even do it?

and why is it that i can dislike someone so much but still care 100% what they think about me? to the point that it can ruin my day... and even worse than that i will never forget it for my entire life.

why is it that sometimes i have a problem being alone?
and other times, the only thing i want in the world is to be alone.

why can't i grow up and stop depending on my parents so much?
why don't i care about getting a job?
why do i think that the rest of my life is going to be handed to me the way it has been so far?
i mean i know better, but do i really believe it?

why does it freak me out to think about my future?
why does it scare me so much more than other people to leave school?

i don't know, these are some of the many questions i just can't seem to answer... and i've been trying for a really long time. it's just confusing, all of it, how you can want so much for yourself, and want to be a certain way, and not just portrayed a certain way but actually BE that way, but you just can't seem to reach it...

Monday, October 11, 2004

thinkin' bout people

ever think about the people that you know--and i guess how many of them you actually know? it's weird if you sit down and honestly analyze your relationships with people, the relationship you have with them, as is, no sugar coating...

and i guess my conclusion upon doing that is that there are a lot of good people that i know, but i don't know how many of them are my friends - does that make sense?

i mean how many people do i know because i lived by them, or that i had a class with, that i run into at the bars, see on campus, see at family parties, maybe people that i've known forever but maybe... i don't know anymore? friends of a friend--call it what you will but the truth is when it comes down to it, there are a handful of people i guess i can actually trust one-hundred percent of the time.

kind of a downer, i know. but i guess i don't see any harm in being honest with yourself i mean, isn't that the way it is?

it's like i've surrounded myself with this group of people that for some reason or another i know, and maybe know some things about even, but like in the overall scheme of life a lot are just more people, just more names and in the end, the only thing constant...

is that i have myself.

Monday, October 04, 2004

some old stuff

so i was looking through my old work the other day--documents and stuff, and it's really weird and you might not even believe me about this even... but when i write something, i am just really thinking on paper for the most part. i don't process a whole lot.

so it isn't until i revisit that document that i actually take it in. so it's kinda crazy to go back and read my old stuff because i honestly don't ever really remember that much about it. i guess that's when i'm able to understand it. so i found some stuff that i thought was decent, and so i decided to put it up on here for fun.

January 5, 2003 2:30 PM
On a Plane from LA to Chicago

Everyone has a story. I guess that’s something you always hear about, how everybody has their own story, but I am actually realizing it right now. Sitting on a full plane going from Los Angeles to Chicago I started to wonder where people around me were headed. It’s something that I could think about forever, I think, and still find it interesting. My story is that I am going back to Chicago, my home, returning from seeing my parent’s new home in Los Angeles, after sharing some amazing moments underneath the California sun, celebrating a New Year with a good friend, possibly making a few really bad mistakes, possibly making none at all. So that’s my story. So what is everyone else’s? This past week was my journey, my escape. Maybe people are on their way to Chicago for that same reason right now. Their journey is only beginning, and mine has just come to an end. It’s interesting--people coming and going, reuniting, saying goodbye—everyone is on their own adventure.

Many people on this plane are probably full of anticipation, the same kind of anticipation I had when I boarded my flight last Saturday in Chicago—you know, people who are about to fly back home for the first time in a week, or people on their way to see someone they haven’t seen in a very long time. And I’m sure there’s a lot of very sad people on this flight too—people who just had to leave their family to return to our busy routine lives of work and responsibility, people who had to leave their boyfriend/girlfriend so that they could go back to school or work, people who just weren’t ready for this holiday season to end. And isn’t it amazing how we balance that all? A vacation, to anywhere, requires reverse emotions. Anticipation at one end of the vacation, and then at the other, a sense of loss to an extent. It’s hard to walk away from anything that you aren’t ready to leave. And in a way, that’s what vacations are all about—Saying hello, and then saying goodbye.

Looking down on the coastline of California as we took off, I thought to myself, god, it is going to be really weird to get off this plane and not have anywhere to go home to. This is the first time I’ve had to do this, be a guest in my hometown. It’s finally hitting me that this is very real. My parents are there, in LA, and I will be across the country.

And you know, it’s funny, how much I tortured myself there for a few days. I was bored, and upset, and well, I guess even lonely, but then one day, I just pack a suitcase, board a plane, and leave it all behind me. And that’s possible. And then, tomorrow, I will return to my busy, abundant life at school, and I won’t have time to think about anything I’ve been overanalyzing for the past five days. It just goes away.

So all in all, looking back on this past week’s journey, I would say it was a good one. I had a lot of time, whether I liked it or not, to sort things out. And maybe that is just what I needed. I realize now that people make mistakes, and even if it seems like a lot more than that at the time, life always goes on, and whether you’re ready for it or not, you’ve got to go on with it. Everything in life is relative. Something that may seem like the end of the world to me right now could quite possibly be something immature and stupid in a few years. It’s all relative to my experience, and my encounters. So for now I’m going to leave the bad parts of this past week behind me, and maybe someday they’ll catch up with me, but until then, I’ve got to keep going with everything else, because no one is going to stop the traffic and wait for me to get over it.

And so, that is my story.

Friday, September 24, 2004

life's craziness

lacking inspiration lately due to 2 tests and 2 papers this week... and the lack of effort i put towards those kind of tells me i shouldn't be putting forth a whole bunch on here.

so i graduate college in 3 months. that's crazy. i'm ready to go i mean, i'll miss it, i love purdue, i'll miss a lot of people... but there's a lot i need to get away from too. i'm ready for the next step.

i've been putting together a portfolio and it's kinda weird to see 4 years of your work all together. it's kind of like "wow, this is really it. time to grow up. time to get out of here. time to move on."

see it's weird, i like the idea of new beginnings, i hate the idea of change. is that contradictory? i can't really figure it out. but there's something i like about making a new impression, starting fresh... at the same time, i think i find a good deal of comfort in my current lifestyle. i guess it's hard to leave anything behind. i can't really piece it all together quite yet.

i wrote the eulogy for my cousin's funeral today... wow, that was weird. i mean he was my age. i can't get that out of my mind. it's especially sad because to write it i used a letter i'd written my great aunt awhile back when her husband died, and the whole time i just kept thinking "geez, he was 80 something years old... and my cousin was 22, and i'm writing the same things about them." it's just really crazy to compare the two. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever been asked to write. i never get writers block (well, barely ever) and i had it pretty bad today when my mom asked me to write that. it was hard to put down.

life's just too crazy for me sometimes
you just gotta play it by ear

Tuesday, September 14, 2004


you know, i normally use this blog to kinda figure things out, go over something i just realized, because for whatever reason, writing is my medicine. it helps me sort things out. i usually don't go over my day's events and stuff like that, but today was one of those days for me when you just kinda get down about things and start to beat yourself up over things... and you know, i don't know if it's certain in everyone else's life, but the phrase "when it rains, it pours" sure holds true for me most of the time.

so i'm going to make an exception right now and write some things on here that have happened to me in the past couple of days, and maybe in a sense that will help me to kinda jump these hurdles.

well yesterday my dad called me, and i thought it was strange when he called because it was the second time i talked to him in one day... anyways, he called to tell me that my cousin philip was murdered. he was 22 years old. now, i didn't have any connection to philip other than age right, but i mean, it's still my cousin, 22 years old. i have trouble writing about him in the past. i keep using present tense verbs and i have to go back half a sentence and change things... and that is because it hasn't set in yet. it just doesn't seem real. this gets me down not only because of the obvious reasons, but because it gets my family down, which kills me more than anything. i mean, when i was talking to my parents, both today and yesterday, it didn't even sound like the same people. the whole thing is just hard to find reasoning for. i want answers, i want it to be two days ago when this hadn't happened. it's just really hard to sort through something so inconceivable.

i guess the rest of things are just usual things, it's getting to be that time in the school year when everything is due in every class, and i hate that. it stresses me out. beyond that, i am already thinking about graduation, getting a job (hopefully), moving home forever... part of me is excited by that change, part of me loves purdue too much to think about it. i know i need to be interviewing and going to career fairs and all of that, but i'm taking 19 credit hours too, and i guess it's just hard to find focus on something that seems so inconceivable when you're living in a college apartment with three of your friends. i want so much for myself, yet i don't think i have the motivation to chase it, and that scares me.

then of course there are the typical outlying factors, the ones that don't go away. people that you care about that end up blowing you off... and another thing is i'm tired of having enemies, not that i have a lot, but i mean, i don't want to have any. i hate that feeling. i am tired of everyone being so busy with life that they can't make time for the people they care about.

what is life about? give me a break.

i realize we are all young adults at this stage and starting life and serious jobs and 40 hour work weeks plus, that's fine, but like, are you going to use that excuse your whole life? i'm just talking about friends here, but what happens in 5-10 years when you have a kid--you plan on telling them you couldn't take them to school on the first day because you had a meeting?

i mean do you just stop calling people? do you call them every three birthdays? maybe drop them an e-card? no, you make time. you don't sit at home and watch ER for an hour--you go out to coffee. i don't know it's just that that is not where my priorities are at at all, and when i hear people--my good friends--saying stuff like that it makes my head spin.

you know you are only as busy as you make yourself. and while it's okay to be busy and keep yourself involved and motivated, it is not ok to, in the process, forget about the people that helped to make you who you are...

and i know that's my personal view on things, but i can't help but wish that all of this growing up stuff wasn't getting to everybody so much. be proessional, fine. be an adult, fine. get a job, great. love your job, awesome. wear a suit. but also, make a phone call, send a card, stop by, make TIME.

anyway, i have a lot to sleep on tonight. and not a lot of time to do it.
sorry for ranting. i feel better. goodnight.

Monday, September 13, 2004

absolutely fragile

you know when you're little, you have no concept of time? you're not worried about getting old, dying, losing touch with people, figuring out what you're going to do with your life? then, unfortunately, the older you get, the more reality sets in and as you lose people along the way, you realize just how fragile life really is.

we're taught to not think about death, or dying, or anything tragic but rather enjoy life, the here and the now. and i completely agree with that attitude, but i mean, the reality is that anything can happen, anytime, and that's frightening. if we could live with the attitudes of children our whole lives -- i think that would be a great thing.

because in an instant, life can change as you know it. anything can happen, right? your life can turn upside down, in a minute. it's insane.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

because then i could sleep at night

you know it's always just when you're used to it. just when you're getting used to your life, as is... minus a few people that you swore would never be subtracted, plus a few mistakes you swore you'd never make... but you know you accept that, you take it all in, and you rise above it--and you say to yourself you know what, things have changed...

but i'm okay...

and then, out of the absolute space and void you have gotten so used to, the void you have just accepted and forced yourself to rise above, someone reappears.
and in the beginning this is a good thing right? you're important. they remember. they care. for a minute.

but how is it that it turns into a letdown? i mean really, just leave me alone. i was doing just fine before you decided you wanted to jump right into my reclaimed sense of calm and splash around a little. it shouldn't be allowed, it's not fair. and above all, it's mean.

like they say in good will hunting, "most days i wish i'd never met you. because then i could sleep at night. i wouldn't have to walk around with the knowledge that someone like you was out there..."

and that's exactly what it is...

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

i guess i never thought of 11 as middle aged

it's funny--when my dad dropped me off at college, he was your typical sad, "my daughter is all grown up," dad... but a year or so later he admitted that when he dropped me off at the time, he thought he would fit in again, that it would be like going back. it was that moment that he realized, he can never go back.

even funnier is that my dad was 51 at this time, yet i am only 22 and already beginning to see what he means. freshman just seem so young now, so small. you can see in their eyes that this campus is still a mystery. meanwhile, i have it pretty much figured out. i've done everything they're about to do... i don't know. suddenly, you really don't fit in anymore.

don't get me wrong -- i'm happy about being here this last semester. it's already off to a great start. i just think that it's strange that there exists somewhere in the world where, 22 is actually old. elderly even, in a way.

Monday, August 16, 2004

back to that same old town

off to school tomorrow and it's crazy. i thought this summer was going to drag on and on but you know what it actually went pretty fast. this is going to be a weird portion of my life. i mean, i have one semester of college then i'm done... so i'm pretty much packing up my entire life for four months in an apartment at school. it's a weird feeling -- leaving halfway through the year. but i think it's perfect. i wasn't ready to leave last may. this year campus will be different i think. people have graduated and moved on and it will feel different all together so i think half way through the year i may be ready to go. hard to say. i really like it there. i thought i'd be ready to go back but it's been a good summer and i'm kind of sad. but i'll be back soon. i wish i could have chicago and purdue all at once. perfect world.

you know we were talking today about growing up and how you do things like sneak and drive your parents car before you have a license and sneak out of your house at night to meet your friends like 1/2 mile away... and hide and smoke cigarettes and these crazy things and at the time--you think you are the oldest person in the world and it's weird that you have to sneak to do these things. really funny. like you think when you are 13 driving a vehicle that nobody in the car next to you knows you aren't 16? it is so weird. when you are young you feel invisible.

Friday, August 06, 2004

narrowing it down

when i left for college, i thought it was the end of the world. we spent days, weeks, months upset over leaving home and not to say that i regret that because i don't -- everything is relative and so at the time it did seem that way so what's to regret -- but you know i was always told -- your true friends, the ones you'll know all your life, are the ones you meet in college.

granted i haven't left college yet and so saying that i think i'll know these people forever wouldn't be fair given the last paragraph, but i'm seeing some validity in that advice. i don't know. i mean, i guess i see some sort of triangular pattern in it all. you start with this broad group of people who you are assured you will "know forever," but time marches on and i think the people that matter have a tendency to stick around.

i haven't quite figured it all out yet. how things work. why they work. i wish i had. it's funny, i can run into people i've never really known all that well, and now we can have really great conversations... yet i see people i know inside and out and am constantly ashamed of it. it's pretty crazy. but in the end i think it all works out. for the most part i find that i end up perfectly happy with the people i associate with, so i guess that says something.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

a lesson from dad

something i think is worth reading, if you have a few extra minutes. my dad is by far my biggest role model in life. he has this amazing attitude--and i swear i have never met somebody like him in that if the world is absolutely kicking his ass -- he manages a smile and you'd never know.
this year on their fishing trip, something my dad adores more than life itself and i wouldn't hesitiate to call it his favorite week of the year--things got a little competitive this year though between my brother, my cousin, and my cousin's husband. things are always competitive to these three i guess, because they're around the same age and all pretty masculine in personality... but it really got my dad down.

so here's my dad's cute attempt at raising the spirit's after this year's overly competitive fishing trip.

“Sometimes the best laid plans of men oft go awry.” That thought was running through my brain as I set the hooks into a muskie and instantly realized that my drag was not set. “You idiot,” I thought. After all the planning, all the preparation, a years worth of playing this moment over in my head the opportunity was gone. Everything suddenly focused on this frozen moment in time.

Preparation for this trip starts with the end of the last trip. Dates and locations are established, food and provision lists are reviewed and corrected, the cost of everything from gas to license fees is noted. Careful preparation is key to help ensure a successful trip. Many events whose outcome could spell trouble or worse are prepared for; We can prepare for these. Spare batteries provide extra power for a flashlight , a radio, or a depth finder. A satellite phone provides emergency communication. Duct tape, well, duct tape serves a plethora of applications. Again, some unexpected events are controllable.

Other events like weather, lake levels, and weed growth are uncontrollable. We still talk about them but there’s little we can do about them. We pretty much just play with the cards we are dealt when it comes to these matters. Certainly with all the chatter that takes place the other fifty-one weeks of the year, it’s hard to believe that any stone is left unturned. Some things, inevitably, get left by the wayside.

It occurred to me that not one of these events, controllable or uncontrollable, has ever really ruined a fishing trip. Oh sure, each has caused problems, ,but the trip goes on and it’s always fun.

A high school teacher of mine frequently repeated this quotation, “Time is what is happening while you are waiting for something to happen.” When you think about it, if a fisherman makes 500 casts a day, and catches thirty fish, would that mean that 470 casts are wasted? Does that mean that you didn’t have fun making those casts? What was going on while fishing? Maybe you enjoyed the beauty of the north woods, joked with your partner, saw a moose, or maybe you even talked about what a great time you were having. Time? Did I say time? Make the most out of every cast, every moment. It’s not just about catching fish—it’s about how you spend your time. And how did you spend your time? Counting fish? Or maybe counting blessings?

Oh, by the way, I missed that muskie but there were other fish, other moments, lots of laughs and good times. Carpe Diem, gentlemen, Carpe Diem. "

put your life to music

"what came first, the music or the misery? people worry about kids playing with guns or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, LITERALLY thousands, of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. did i i listen to pop music because i was miserable? or was i miserable because i listened to pop music? " -john cusack in high fidelity

alright now i'll be the first person to admit that i get some sort of strange comfort from sad music -- it's almost like i'm thinking "wow, you just read my mind and put it into better words than i could have ever put it into." but movie makes a point. it's interesting to turn it around and consider the possibility that you may have self-diagnosed yourself with all of these problems because you heard them in a song, a movie, what have you. i mean if you really think about it -- how many times do you hear one line in a song and then think "Exactly! That's me! It's like you're reading my mind." And from then on out you kind of force the rest of the words to fit. So then here you are, forcing a song to form to instances of your particular life, meanwhile identifying every self-crisis possible within your mind. It's kind of messed up to think about. Maybe not completely true--but there's some validity there.

There's truth in the fact that we're all human -- we all experience the same things, different ways and to different degrees but the same things -- love, loss, joy. Whatever. So there's something to be said about feeling a connection with a songwriter's emotions -- that it's definitely logical to identify with someone else who has felt these things but written it down somewhere for people to read. But do we take it too far? Probably more often than not. Interesting to think about.

appreciating the ordinary

ever have those moments when you're just sitting there doing ordinary things and you just have a minute of appreciation where you think -- wow this is really great... and you just take it all in and feel good about where you are and what you are doing and find purpose in being?

i have them once in awhile i guess. watching the fireworks is what brought this all on because i'm sitting underneath them with my family, and the show in naperville is put to music so everything is in sync, making it all the more meaningful, and i just felt really good for a minute -- not just proud to be in america, but appreciative of everything i am so fortunate to have in my life. it sounds weird that such a strong series of feelings could have been brought forth by something so simple and traditional but i just got to thinking about things and just surrounded by happiness, especially since we're back home now. last year was the first year in i don't even know how long that we didn't do the traditional 4th of july stuff, and my mom was just saying she remembers walking away from the fireworks last year and being sad because she wasn't in naperville.. so i guess that made it all the more important. we're back home where we belong.

dance like nobody's watching

cliches and why i hate them
i get sick of all the cliched corny quotes about friendship among other cliches but i'll stick with this example --you know the ones-- you've seen them in chain letter emails since the internet became cool, you see them in 8th grade yearbooks in 6 point font, and instant messager profiles, engraved across the bottom of picture frames, accompanying a black and white photograph of a two 5-year-old girls on the beach on a poster... they have meaning behind them and whatnot, but i think that's all lost in the constant repition of them. it comes to be that we don't even read these things anymore but rather skim them the way you were taught in your senior-year elective speed reading class... because they are so familiar. and so doesn't meaning get lost in all that? i mean when you read the words, "Make new friends" do you really have to read what comes next -- or do yous sort of skip to "gold," and then, after that, are you thinking about the meaning behind that phrase or are you mentally humming the girl scouts theme song?

and that's the way this wheel...

in the overall scheme of things we are constantly learning what and whom are worth our time.
by finding what inspires you in people, characteristics that are noteworthy, we learn lessons from them and by combining those separate lessons we form our own master plan of who we want to be.

and in following our plan we make mistakes, we fall down, we learn, we grow... and we someday find comfort in the person we have become...

and then go on to be part of someone elses plan, give them a noteworthy characteristic of our own

everything really does work in circles

i feel home

something i really love about home is that your friends there have known you forever... and seriously no matter how long you've been away, you can come back to a crowd like that in complete comfort. it's a really great feeling. i mean, people that you haven't talked to in years and in a way you're kind of wondering how it's going to go when you actually do but it just takes a few minutes of sitting down and talking and whatever else to realize it's just like you never left. there's something so comforting about that... that no matter how long you're gone, you're not forgotton and old friends can always get together without things changing too much.

i like you because...

Thought about this today, thought i needed to put it somewhere... so hey, why not here
top things i respect in people

-being real and by being real i mean, having your own opinions and voicing them (when appropriate), not bending or swaying your beliefs and values
-being unique, having something unique to you that other people can pick up on, or learn from
-being sensitive to others-knowing and caring about peoples weak spots, peoples strengths, treating others appropriately
-intelligence--not necessarily a straight a student, but someone who can impress you in conversation, someone you really want to listen to
-strength in character--really believing in yourself, portraying that, no matter what other people might think, you like the person that you are (different than arrogance, of course)
top things that i disrespect about people
-people who, for whatever reason, get something out of testing people
-people who have no opinions about anything
-people who walk around every place like they own it, like i said before, there's a difference between being noticeably comfortable with yourself and acting like you are the best thing that happened to this world. because the thing about people like that is, no one else thinks that about them so they really just end up looking stupid.
-people who make themselves so busy doing the wrong things
-people who get stressed out too easily
-people who are consistently angry
-people who think they got cursed with this awful terrible life, and constantly pity themselves and act miserable... hello, life sucks, for everyone. on different levels, for different reasons, but in general-- SORRY... it does. its not fair---we all know that. why hang your head all day? the world isn't going to stop for you, you might as well enjoy it

pick up the pieces

it's weird how you realize things every day. i can't figure out whether or not you remember them all, but either way, you are constantly realizing things.
see, my dad has a unique way of looking at mistakes. everyone does dumb things right? everyone does things they regret? well, there really isn't anything in this world that is completely impossible to get beyond, someway, somehow. and what really comes out of it in the end is that you learn something along the way, making you a stronger, and probably better person by enduring the healing process.

i have a habit of dwelling on things but i'm trying to pick up this attitude of my dad's to the best of my ability because i think it's really healthy.

it's tough though because at times life really does suck. i hate to be one of those people who hangs their head and whines about how bad they have it because in all actuality, i really don't at all. but life really is tough. people are cruel and unpredictable. and the world can be really cold sometimes. i know better than to have a bad attitude but that's easier than it seems, unfortunately.

so, all of this was brought on by a visit with an old cd, ben folds rockin' the subarbs... these lines hit me

and life barrels on like a runaway trainwhere the passengers change
they don't change anything

they get off, someone else can get on

sad lines, sad song... sad message.

i guess it sucks to say, but the fact of the matter is that you can only tell yourself how great life is so many times because it isn't always great. believing that is blinding yourself. but, what it comes down to is that even though life sucks sometimes, and even though you kinda want to sit back and just let it kick your ass, you've got to put up a fight.

like the sign in my bathroom in california said, "I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."

keep them close

there are a couple of people that i really want back in my life--that haven't necessarily left for a reason--well a reason other than life, and overcrowded schedules and forgetting what's really important.
but now it's at that sort-of akward stage. the stage that i hate that it even exists at all. where no matter how close you were to someone, how much you shared with them, how many memories you have together... time has passed without any of those things in awhile and it makes them, for whatever reason, unapproachable.
sometimes i wonder if i am actually getting something out of realizing these things, or if i'm just driving myself insane.

probably a little of both.

and then it's too late.
but, i guess it's never ACTUALLY too late. it just SEEMS too late. well it depends.

i mean, anything is possible.
but not everything is plausable.

the more you are the more you understand

life is all about finding yourself. accepting change. learning...getting old in the process, but more importantly. realizing who you are. experiencing. growing. dealing with things. dealing with people.

and that's what college is all about too. so, you have to put an end to it, even if you don't want to. if college went on forever, we'd never learn how to let go of anything. you never truly appreciate something in your life until it's absent.

i've learned the best way to make yourself a better person is to learn what you dislike in others, and act accordingly. that's how you leave your mark on this world.

always keep an open mind and a closed mouth. you know less than you think you do, most of the time.

affecting people individually, making yourself likeable, goes farther than you may think. you have to start small because you have to start somewhere.

people will always remember the way you treated them. so why not give them all you've got?

the world keeps turnin

my dad opened my eyes to something the other day. see, my perspective has changed a lot lately, and i actually admitted to him that i'm glad they moved to california, and i'm also glad they moved when i was younger. because looking back, i think it made me stronger, and made me appreciative, and realize that things can be unexpectly taken from you, and that can be completely out of your hands.

for a long time, i thought the world should stop for me since my parents were moving and i was losing my house. i guess that's a normal reaction--when you're having a hard time--you sort of want time to stop for you for awhile until things are back on track. but what i've realized is, that doesn't happen at all. so by complaining, by waiting for people to pity you, you are really just wasting your own time.

what i've learned from this whole ordeal is--my family--2,000 miles away or 200, is still my family. sure, we're not as comfortable as we used to be. we lost a great house at 6 s. 211 marblehead court. when i go home now, i don't exit on naperville road. whatever. i've realized all of that is petty stuff.

there is nothing comfortable about change, that's for sure. but what i have to realize is that even though my parents were across the country for a year, they'd hop on a plane to indy in a second if i needed them to. and here i was, for a year, bitching to them about living far, complaining that i had to fly home, and meanwhile they were just doing what was best for my brother and i, supporting us and trying to stay positive.

i mean what really matters, physical proximity, or emotional availability?

i guess the lesson is--don't expect the world to stop for you when you're having a hard time. trust me, it won't. there's no sense wandering in circles when you could be looking ahead, and getting somewhere.

learning from eleanor

do one thing every day that scares you. -eleanor roosevelt
interesting concept huh? i bet people probably do anyways, but usually not on purpose. i don't know, i think it's a neat way of reminding yourself to live fully, daily.
one thing i've learned very recently--and i think it's because i'm actually growing up--but how important it is to surround yourself with people whose lifestyle you respect.

people feed off each others actions unintentionally.
happens all the time.

it's also weird how some people just stick with you in life--like effortlessly. i've come to know after 22 years that there are some people i will just know for my entire life. you just, for whatever reason, understand each other.
i guess no one can take that away.
weird how some things never falter.

and some people don't stick around, but see, i think that's for a reason too. sometimes you're just better off without certain people-and the influence they may have had on you. see, i think we'll all end up hanging on to the people that we need to keep around. it all works out.

sometimes, sometimes you just have to...

it's frustrating when something you've learned from your own life experience or realized at some point, is challenged by somebody else who you are certain has little or no room to speak.
I've felt like this before, and I have mixed feelings as to how to react. Half of you wants to raise your verbal fists and argue back since you have the knowledge to do so.
Half of you wants to walk away, knowing that they don't understand and giving them the benefit of the doubt. It's just that it's really hard to sit back and watch someone else play expert in something so prevalent in your life.
sometimes you know you that you are "supposed" to be the bigger person, but it seems weird because by doing so, you're letting people think they have the right to toss around your beliefs and your background because you are walking away, and they see that as a weakness rather than a strength.

so i moved my blog

this site has a lot more to offer. so i'm going to post highlights from my old blog and continue on here...