post holiday reflections and a brutally honest admission

first thing's first: i love christmas. i always will. from the time i was little my mom has made it perfect for us. and it's weird, i'm 25 now, my brother almost 29, and we still feel the magic. i'd say we're pretty lucky. and not just because of the fact that this is our tree and presents, but because we have a family like that. i realize that's rare these days. i realize feeling the magic of christmas as an adult is something that should be appreciated.

we were reading a letter on the fridge from my dad's aunt lynne... and she included one of those holiday newslettters--only hers was so poetic. she used the seasons as a metaphor for life, explaining that her and her husband were in the "autumn" of their life, while the grand kids were an everlasting "spring." etc. it really inspired me. it's rare that my parents will tell me to read one of those letters, but they told me to read that one. and after doing so, he told me something like... "this is my one tip on writing amy, it should contain a lot less of the i." and i immediately went upstairs and got on my computer because i was inspired to write something of my own to the people in my life, on christmas day. so, i composed an email, and just for saving sake, i'll post it here... so here's what i sent out this year:

"I don't know if this happens in everyone's family, but it certainly happens in ours--those inserts that come inside the Christmas cards, usually about a page or two full of updates on the past year's activities for every family--our kids are doing this... here's what happened with our jobs... we bought a house... etc.

Well, my dad always says that his general rule about writing something like that is that it should contain a lot less of the "I."

He's right, and not only that, but he says that, and feels that way, because of something people love most about him--he's incredibly selfless. And for that reason, and the fact that I look up to those traits in both of my parents, I'm going to follow his rule about writing Christmas reflections... (How about that, Dad? Me following YOUR writing rules!! Who would have thought? :) )

Anyway, I'll skip the updates, the yearly review of what's occured in Amy's life... because that is not what Christmas is about, is it?

It's a reflection point, one day a year where you're really truly surrounded by people who love each other and have a much needed break from work, but more importantly, from life. And it's a lot more than ribbons and bows, than santa claus and reindeer, than the pine tree you spent hours perfecting... it's about love and faith and believing and appreciating how truly lucky we are to have each other and to be alive.

And so for that reason, I just wanted to drop you all a note on Christmas Day and let you know how thankful I am to have you in my life. I don't know what point it happens when all of the sudden opening presents becomes less, and having each other becomes more, but I'm certainly glad that it does.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your time with your family and friends. It's easy to forget what's important sometimes in the daily grind of life... but thank goodness for Christmas Day.

Love Always,
Amy"

i got a lot of nice replies from family and friends, and so for that reason, i was really glad that i did it. expression is always a powerful thing, and i'm glad i'm able to piece together what i want to say sometimes. i'm lucky in that aspect. i brought a printed copy down to my dad and made him read it on christmas morning... i could tell he was choked up a little, but the good kind of choked up, you know? i guess i can't emphasize how much happiness it brings me to tell someone directly what they mean to you... and what better time for something like that, than christmas time?

so, the holidays were good. more than good. i have a strong family and i'm very lucky for that.

okay, now the brutally honest admission. i was hesitant to write about this publically... just because sometimes i don't know if i am too honest. but just now as i was laying in bed i thought to myself... what is it about writing that helps me? the fact that other people read it. what is it that people love about postsecret? the fact that other people read it. that they're getting something off their chest... so what am i so worried about when i have problems that i want to write about? that people will think differently of me? well, if they do, i don't care about that.

so anyway i think i've encountered some form of clinical depression. it's really scary, because a) it's really new and b) people whom i haven't said a word about it to (i.e. work, parents, friends) have noticed a change in me. in other words, i know it's not just me. as for what it's from, i don't totally know. my parents and i are trying to seek out my health history from my biological parents, i think that's the first step. i probably should have done that when i started having panic attacks, but i guess i thought it would stop there. and it did, for a year and a half, but now this. i work with psychiatrists, so they basically told me they have noticed a change in me, and in a friendly polite way, let me know they were worried. so, that was kind of my wake up call. it's weird, when i notice a change in myself, i'm always like - eh, it's just mental... i'll be fine. but when someone else says it, it really puts you in your place.

i was put on medicine like a year and a half ago for panic attacks. looking back, i still can't trace it as to why those happened... i mean, i was stressed in school and stuff, but nothing abnormal. i have no choice but to assume it's genetics. i can't help but wonder if i've gained a tolerance to an SSRI and that's why i'm suddenly feeling "imbalanced" or whatever. but it could be a lot more too. i guess in many ways i've taken on a lot in the past year--grad school, my job's increasing difficulty, and a lot tighter financial situation than when i was living at home. so i have added stresses as well... who knows what i can attribute this change to? i don't. but i do know this: i'm so thankful that i'm able to see that something's up, and that i have the support i need to get over this roadblock. i will, and i will get back to being myself. i've been down this road before with the anxiety, so, i can handle this too, whatever it is.

but for the record, i still keep things in perspective. i do know how lucky i am, even if i'm a little down right now. i still know that i have a good life, and i'm going to get my optimism back.

i feel a little better now. hopefully i can sleep.

i hope everyone had a merry christmas...

2 years? Really, 2 years?

as of 1 hour ago, i am officially 25 years old. 25. i remember when that meant that you were... old.

now people are trying to convince me that i'm still young.
i'll take it.

anyways, i thought about this older blog of mine today: http://amyj28.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_amyj28_archive.html becuase for some strange reason i remember the title of it all the time when I think about my birthday. and today i realized... wow, i need 2 boxes of candles now. where did the time go?

i mean i'm obviously using candles as an analogy, who cares, they're a dollar a box right? and whos really going to notice that one extra from the new box?

but i just don't feel like that was two years ago. time is starting to really fly. everyone told me it would. and i guess i didn't believe them until about 73 minutes ago when i reread that blog. wow. 2 years ago i was getting ready to graduate college. i found myself asking... was that really two years ago?

and i started to think about the present... the things that have happened in the past two years of my life.
the things that have changed.
the places i've lived, the things i've accomplished, the things i've failed to accomplish yet.
and the people i've been lucky enough to keep around, all this time.

i love reflection points.

a lot of times they happen for me on birthdays or new years--it's like a little unannounced marking point in life where you actually remember where you were at this point last year... and it's kind of sanitizing in a way to look at your life in hindsight and realize what you've done with it.

what a sustaining thing to be able to do.

i mean we all know we can't change the past... but we can certainly always improve upon our past. better ourselves, better the world, and better the people around us.

i know my life motto might change from time to time, but my newest thing that i think about always is how important it is to leave your mark on this world. i mean, it doesn't have to be a monument in DC, it doesn't have to be handprints in hollywood, or even your name being published somewhere in some small town newspaper. i mean, leave a piece of your character in whatever way you know best. maybe it's by telling unforgettable jokes. maybe it's by writing a bestselling novel, or maybe it is by becoming a senator or a moviestar... that's up to each one of us. all i know is this: there's no better time than now to start leaving a mark.... and the thing is, we probably all already are, without even knowing it.

it's been a wonderful year once again, and i'm extremely thankful for my family and friends, who honestly, help me through every hard day, and even every easy day, just by taking my mind off the daily grind. i can't imagine my life any differently than it is at this point, and i know i'm so lucky for that. and to be loved. and remembered on my birthday.

here's to twenty-five wonderful years.

six weeks in the city

i need to get better at writing more.

i guess in a way it's a good thing, it means nothing has been overwhelmingly driving me insane, but i also realize it's just as important to write about the good as to write about the bad. it's just easier to write about the bad, for some reason. maybe that's why i like sad music. whos to say?

well, i've been downtown for 6 weeks now and i really couldn't be happier. living by myself is... great. having something to call my own is great. having about 75% of my best friends within 2 miles is great. seriously, i saw 5 friends in the course of two days this weekend. i had three over! that didn't happen that much when i lived at home since everyone was moving down here... and we're all pretty busy. anyways, it's really great to see more of the people i love. and i still see my parents somewhat often too. close enough to everything. and i'm falling in love with my
neighborhood a little more every day. life has really been good to me.

i'm really grateful that i've stayed in touch so well with my friends from high school. we're incredibly close, it's really an amazing thing. we're there for each other at the drop of a hat. and when i think about the fact that we've been friends for ten years it blows my mind. anyways, they make me so happy and i'm so glad to have them in my life. so glad.


i finished up my first class, still waiting on my grade. as of this tuesday i'll be starting two new ones, so i'm going to be pretty busy. taking one class wasn't too tough, but taking two is going to be tougher. not only that, but we're really picking things up at work and taking on two clinical studies instead of one. i pretty much have my hands full with the heart disease and depression study, and now we're adding a bipolar one that requires a lot of attention. so needless to say, i'm going to be pretty booked, but it will all be worth it. i really like learning i've realized, both at school and at work. i can't even believe i've been at loyola a year and a half. i was filling out my paperwork today for medical insurance, etc. and i was like "wow, i can't believe it's time to do this already." time flies. i've made friends there though and more importantly, i think i've established myself as capable of my career which took awhile. it's hard to convince doctors that you can do clinical research when you have a bachelor of arts. it took awhile, but they trust me now and see that i'm keeping up with everything, and really learning my job inside and out. so that feels good. one of the residents wrote me an email friday just letting me know i was doing a really good job. it honestly made my day. i think too often at work and in life we're so quick to criticize, but not nearly as quick to compliment. i appreciated getting a thoughful email for once instead of a technical one. it was a nice break from the normal routine.

i'm almost 25. pretty crazy, just a few more weeks! i don't feel 25. i guess i don't know what 25 is supposed to feel like, but i know i still feel young. most of the time anyways. sometimes i think about the fact that some of my friends are married and whatnot, and i mean i guess everyone is different, but i just think for me personally, i'm still trying to figure out my life. and not that i've had the opportunity to get married or anything haha... but like what i'm saying is i think i need to finish school, establish myself in my career, figure out where i want to live, and figure out what's important to me in life. i mean i'm half there, but i'm not all the way there. i can't imagine being married right now personally, just because of that. i'm still pretty independent as far as my thinking goes. at the same time, i'm really happy for all of my friends that are married/engaged. they're all really great couples that compliment each other. and they're all at that place in their life as well. i'm just not at all. but that's okay. people progress differently i guess.

i'm so excited the holidays are coming! i love christmas and thanksgiving. i love getting together with my family and how everything is so traditional... i can't wait to get out the christmas music, see downtown become ready for the holidays, see the lights downtown naperville, go shopping for my family and friends... put a little tree up in my place. i can't wait. the holidays make me so happy! it's like the time of year you set aside to remember what's important to you. and you forget about work, and the hecticness of everyday life and just enjoy your family and your company. i'm so glad it's coming.

winter... is another story. i hate being cold. :) but it's worth it for christmas. that's all for now. just an update. really, i'm going to start writing more. but, things are going great and i love you all.

long overdue.

so... where to start?

clearly i haven't been a good writer lately. writers need to keep up with their writing. and i haven't. but, my life has been crazy! anyways... let's see, a lot has happened.

first, austin texas. austin city limits. wow. kones and i had the time of our lives i'm pretty sure. austin is an amazing, amazing town. i felt so at home there. i really left saying - i could totally live here. it's so welcoming, and the town is energetic, musical, what more can you really ask for? anyways, good times all around. loved it. so glad i went.

i started grad school and i'm so happy with it... i feel smarter just by going to class. it's weird, it's so different than undergrad. i mean, people are just really intelligent, educated, involved, it's just something i'm not used to. i'm feeling good about it. i actually changed my degree to a dual degree, so i'll end with a masters in science and an mba... why not right?

work is good. not much has changed.

allison is getting married! my first purdue friend. aww. i'm happy for her. her and her husband are great together. soulmates, there's no doubt in my mind.

alright - next -- I MOVED DOWNTOWN!! only been here about 3 days, but loving it so far. loving the independence, the "having my own place" just everything. it's great. i love my neighborhood from what i know so far, i love being closer to my friends, i love it all. i thought i was going to be more emotional about my parents than i am. i mean, i really miss them, but i love having a place that is "mine." it's so exhilirating? i think thats the right word.

saw matt nathanson tonight. you know what? thats what made me write tonight first of all. secondly, i was thinking when he was singing because he really means it when he sings (and you can always tell) that he's thinking of someone. like, he wrote each song for someone. and i bet when he sings he thinks of them. the same way the rest of us, as part of being human, always have someone in mind during a love song. and no matter the year, the time, the place, what in your life has changed, that song comes on... and it brings you back. music is so amazing that way. it connects people. it's like we all have similar life experiences that we don't talk about, we don't publicize, but, you hear a song, and the whole crowd is kinda like "i understand, i've been there too." it's a great thing. i love anything that strangers bond over without saying a word.

anyways, promise to resume my writing more. i feel like this was way too long of a blog, and in order to avoid that, i need to keep this up.

in short, life is good. and i'll write soon.

new years resolution updates

awhile ago, i wrote some new years resolutions. i figure it's overdue, i missed the halfway through the year point, so i thought i'd do an update now... figure out where i need to be by 2007. so here they are, and here goes.

to stop obsessing over things that i really need to get over. to worry about my life, my own life, and to get over the past. to look to the future more. that's a big one for me.
i really think i've made great progress with this one. the way i used to let people get to me doesn't happen as easily anymore. i've kinda moved forward. there are some things you always hold on to, but i think that is ok.

to take this dang gmat and get my loyola application in. done and done!

to get a promotion, or a payraise, or both at work at my review this june. raise in July!

to continue to be a good friend and a good daughter to the best of my ability. Certainly hope so

to pay off my car. DONE

to keep paying off my credit cards. Getting better all of the time.

to figure out where i want to live, and once i do that (and my car is paid off) to get my own place. DONE! yes!

to visit Anne in New York and Lindsey in LA with my vacation time. Hopefully with friends!! Iss, Janna, Lisa, Konah...that's you guys! Visited both!

to keep the same relationship with my college roommates and my high school friends that i have right now. I think things get better all of the time.

to always make time for my friends--no matter how busy i might feel. there are always more important things. This isn't even an issue for me. Hands down, friends first. Always.

to write more. to read more books. to do more. to travel. Write enough, could read more, wish I could afford to travel more. Although, I guess I am going on some trips.

to get a healthier lifestyle--exercise, eat more wholesomely... in other words, less pizza, more chicken. less cookies, more apples. Shoot.

to give back. someway, somehow. and i don't mean just donating money. to actually physically do something for a good cause. I've been participating in walks and stuff like that, painted some Chicago schools with Janna. I realize I could be doing way more, and I'd like to.

to always remember how lucky i am. even on my worst days. I think I do.

to get one of my postcards on http://postsecret.blogspot.com I better keep submitting! Not yet!

to make someone's day. to make a lot of people's day. Hope so.

to not forget a single birthday of anyone i know. to make their birthdays great. All over it.

i'd like a boyfriend--but i'm not going to get down on myself if i don't accomplish that. i think that has to sort of just happen. but let's just say i hope it happens to me :) Still working on it!!

to tell people what they mean to me rather than just thinking it all the time. to put my feelings on the table. i just think you never know when you can make someones day, or even save someones life. i think everyone has more going on than we sometimes realize. it's too easy to take people for granted. I really hope I do this.

to be a little more outgoing. stop hiding so much. stop being so shy. reach out to new people! I think I am less shy than I used to be.

make friends at work, school, etc. Eh, kinda :)

to really and truly, fully believe in myself. I do about 95% of the time.

to have another great year. to be my best. So far, So good

i feel like i should have written this.

great song.

now your path and mine
they never seemed to converge
and now i sat here in god knows where
with a mouth full of words

well they just sound like noises
if you say them enough
it was all such a long time ago.
now, was it though?

----

it's time to drag myself home
and to wonder just why
i still think of you now
only as you were then
but it was all such a long time ago

now was it though....?

finally, a comparison

it's been a bit since i've written. this is usually due to a lack of subject matter. this time however, it was due to a lack of the right words. i've been thinking, hard, but i've been unable to sort everything out. and for some reason tonight, it all made sense.

cast away was on abc tonight. i usually hate watching movies on tv because of the commercials, but i really had nothing better to do, so i watched it (for the third or fourth time). at the end of the movie, i realized that it was exactly what i needed to see to say what i've been wanting to say, right. i love the end of this movie - because it's sad but more importantly, it's very real. this man is away on an island for seven years, and a smaller-than-wallet-sized picture is keeping him alive. for seven years, that was the only hope he had, that little picture. and i'm sure in the back of his mind he thought that one day he'd get home and things would pick up just where they left off. that's what it feels like when you're away.

the truth is people move on. she moved on. he was there on an island waiting to go home to the woman he loved, and when he got home, she had a husband, and kids. and still loved him. but had a new life now. it makes sense, you have to move on. you can't just pause your life in hopes that some miracle will happen. and maybe it will. but you can't count on it.

i related to this whole aspect. when the only thing you know that is real is far away. and you hold on to it and expect time to just freeze, right there, right where you left off. stop at that hug before they get on a plane. and pick up with another hug when they get off a few years later. and for a long time, for years, i've really truly believed and convinced myself that this is what happens. it hit about a week ago that it's actually not at all. that people have to go on with their own lives, and that people are different. i mean, some are able to do that easier. some are able to just say, ok, next chapter, let's go! it's good. it's healthy. but it's hard to accept.

and i guess saying you've been forgotten is a little too harsh. and to say you've been replaced is kind of the same. it's not that. it's just realizing you're not part of someone's immediate life anymore. and you know for a fact they didn't mean any harm by it, it was just natural, part of human existence. your immediate life becomes your surroundings, and well, when you're not in any sort of proximity with someone anymore, it's hard to remember that they once were. it's so human.

at the end of the movie he wants to be with her and then theres a second where he realizes that she has to go home. she has a husband inside, and children. and they love each other, but she has to go home. and he lets her walk inside, and he drives away.

and then later, talking to a friend he explains what went on on that island. he explains why he stayed alive. and this is what hit me.

"And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

that's what i need to do too. i need to, upon this realization, keep breathing. i need to let go. to take over my own life. i know it's going to take time, but i know what i have to do. and after all, i'm only 24... i have a lot of life ahead of me. tomorrow, the sun will rise. who knows what the tide could bring in?

save your breath

pretty night tonight. clear out, a good driving night. music and windows down make me think of high school, and having nothing else to do but picking each other up to drive around. and it was fun. so fun. those were the days...
so i got to thinking as i heard these lyrics (i think this song is so beautiful):

Will you hop a train to anywhere?
it sure ain't no place like home,
where there are no strangers--
only people you don't wanna know...
but before the crying out loud,

Save your breath for the laughing out loud, again
Save your breath, for the talking all night, oh
Save your breath for the laughing out loud, ah
Save your breath

So meet me by the station,
and bring a change of heart
And smile away the old country as we watch it disappear
And pull these years apart.
And scatter from the window
to settle on the fields
And tell yourself a hundred times that forever starts today
And think how good it feels....

To save your breath for the laughing out loud--
Save your breath, for the talking all night.

i don't know. i just started to think about the way we used to talk. i mean we'd talk all night. we'd sit at omega or bakers square over coffee, or in a garage or on a back porch over beer, and we would talk...all night. and we never ran out of conversations. and i guess i don't know for sure because we were sixteen and whatnot, but i really don't think our conversations were ever fake or boring either. they were always so real. or i guess, seemed so real. that doesn't happen anymore. it doesn't feel like it anyways.

i mean i guess we progressed to the bars, and it's just kind of a different scene. harder to talk. that, and i think people kinda go their own ways when they go away to college, and come home grown up. like this little piece of you hangs on to those late nights on back porches and in coffee shops and all the places you hope stay in your town forever... but you're really kinda leading your own life now. life's so funny. it seems like you'd feel changes like that, but you absolutely don't.

then one day you look back. and no matter how happy you are with your present life, you always miss the way things were. and you can never go back. those words ring true now, my dad used to always say it to me "you can never go back amy." and i thought he was just being a dad. and now, what i feel is twenty-four years young, while what i know is, he was right.

you can't ever go back.

could you tell me why you're leaving

when you disappear on me
it's just like parades in the rain
and everytime i see you
you just disappear again

every time you're leaving...
i don't know what to say
i wanna see this whole town go away

so could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know why it has to be so
could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know i don't know i don't know

all these ending love songs come into my eyes
but every time i see you i'm alive.
i'm alive.

so could you tell me why you're leaving?
cause i don't know why it has to be so.
could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know i don't know
i don't know...

wait out the days

i know i've said this before but i'm going to say it again anyways. because it's something i really feel, and really believe in. it's rare in life, in my life anyways, that i feel someone i have a real connection with.

someone you can talk to for hours. someone who knows you. likes you. doesn't want you to be any different. someone who wants to go somewhere a little bit quieter to talk. someone who wants to catch the sunset. would go out of their way in life to make sure that you never got hurt and were having a good time. who has the same amount of fun sitting in the grass talking about life or having a couple of beers somewhere... who you can tell genuinely cares about you. and you can tell because you can feel it. it's past words. it's way past sciences of any sort. you can actually feel it. and it feels like home.

i don't know a lot of people like that. i really don't.

it's like there's always something in the way. not enough depth. too much insecurity. too many twisted priorities. but when you know that you have that connection with someone, it's always there.

and it always happens to me that just when i realize how much i care about someone, or maybe not realize it but rather remember it, then they have to go away. just when you remember how good it feels, its over. so you're stuck with the same old sad love songs and overused cliches about how life goes on, and you know there's nothing you can do other than to let time do it's magic, by gradually and graciously reminding you that it's not the end of the world, and you're going to be ok. this too shall pass.

but now, for awhile, you're a little less whole. your house is a little more lonely. your car seems to be lacking conversation, and your bed just feels a little empty.

and for awhile, it always happens this way, these little instances, like shadows, they follow you. and i mean, they're good... like shadows of good times, and reminders of places you've been and things you've talked about. a song you heard, a road you drove down, a color you maybe wore, but for awhile, they just don't leave you alone. and everywhere you go, you're reminded that you're really missing something that's a part of you all of the time, everywhere you go. you're never 100% anymore.

it's so damn hard.

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that."

hanging on

if it means anything, i'm glad i met you. if for nothing else, than to provide some sort of inner glimmer of hope inside of myself, something that tells me that people like you exist. something that reminds me what it's like when someone cared for you at one point and how good that feels. something that keeps love alive. at least for me.

and maybe it means i'll keep those hours we spent together too close. maybe it means i'll hold on to them too long--whos to say? but it makes me whole. it's something i'll never be able to explain to anyone else, because it's just that deep inside of me. but really, it makes each song a little better, each bad day a little lighter, and each minute a little less lonely... so i don't mind.

___
Lastly...

"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to." - Marilyn Ferguson

from two great songs

this afternoon with you felt something like a letter
the kind that someone writes but never sends
and when you're good to me
it makes me blue because someday it's gonna end.
-Ryan Adams, Friends

it hasn't felt like this before
it hasn't felt like home before you
and i know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
and i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could
i can't get my mind off you
and i hate the phone
but i wish you'd call...
-Joshua Radin, The Fear You Won't Fall

and i wish it was a small world...

where do i even start? i've been internet deprived for a week, because i was visiting lindsey in LA. the thing is, i didn't care about the internet persay, or my email, but there were times i was like "dang , i really need to be writing right now. this is going to be some good material" and i just can't do the pen and paper thing anymore. so now i have my chance.

it's 2 am here, so that's midnight california time. my flight got in around 11. i don't know what it is about that place that gets me so emotional. i mean, maybe i do. but, on the plane i just started to feel really sad. not sad to be coming home. not sad to be in my own bed, and go to work tomorrow. but it's just that i saw a lot of really good friends whom i LOVE to be around, and i see them every couple of years. and i guess, this may be thinking too hard, but i can't help but wish we could all live near each other while we're still young. before people get married and have families and getting together just gets that much harder. and i know in a few days i won't feel like this. it's just the initial shock of leaving that behind me. and that some of my best friends live as far from me as they possibly could in the united states. i just wish i could spend more time with them.

and for a second, i believed i could. i mean, sometimes i'll have these really irrational thoughts like - whats keeping me in chicago? my job? my family? what if i didn't catch that plane home? what if i decided to just not go in tuesday morning? i'm not going to get arrested or anything. i think irrationally like that. then, once i landed here in chicago i remembered how much i like being here. and i know in a few days, when i'm back to my routine everything will make sense again. i'm just caught in a moment.

i love the song "raining in baltimore" because i think it captures everything i'm talking about with one simple line... "and i wish it was a small world." because i really do wish that. i wish i could see the people that i love to see every single day.

we all make our own lives, and carry on though. because that's what we have to do. and i know it's not that people forget about each other, it's just that the more time that goes on, the more preoccupied you get with things that are part of your everyday routine, and the farther in hindsight things from the past can get. even if they still mean a lot to you, they don't affect you every day. i'm no different. i have a routine. i wake up, i work, i commute home, i run errands, i go out on the weekends, and i do it again. that is my life. but, while it doesn't make much sense to dwell on the past, i can't help but to do that sometimes. i miss the simpler times. and the more you dwell on the past, the more you tangle yourself this little web of confusion. it's so much smarter to just live in the here and now. let things happen. and while i know that....easier said than done.

it's incredible how someone can impact your life so much. that years later, conversations are still easy. that for whatever reason in this world, in this lifetime, there are people that you just connect with. and that connection never goes away. no matter how far you live from each other, no matter how many years its been.

and you know that no one else will ever totally understand that connection. like, you can explain it forever and ever. but they'll never totally "get it." it's something that goes on between two people. or to quote high fidelity... it's a mystery of human chemistry and i don't understand it, but some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home.

i can't think of a better way to put it.

and so yes, i'd like to see those people all of the time. but i wouldn't trade the fact that when i do run into them it feels like yesterday, for anything in the entire world.

i had a great weekend. i learned a lot about myself, and a lot about these ghosts in my past that i just seem to hang on to. i learned why i do that. and i learned that it's ok. and i feel relieved. and proud of myself too. and i'm glad to be back home and back to my own life, after figuring a lot of things out. now, i just hope i can sleep.

i'll write soon.

pure randomness...prepare

been a month. shoot. i really thought i was improving my blog frequency. i guess i'll have to try a little harder.

mother's day was tonight, it was good. i totally feel like my mom deserves a mothers day, maybe even a few. she's so unselifsh. she was even kind of upset that we planned somethign that required spending money. her exact quote was, "i would have been fine just cooking breakfast here." we went to a really nice brunch though. and i kept telling her that this is one day, that it's okay to let people treat her to things. she doesn't have to be a "mom" all the time. just accept that we want to do something nice for you. not everyone has a good mom. i'm lucky and i wanted to show her that i know that. so, things were well.

well, may 5th, i took the gmat. i did pretty good. i scored above average for loyola's admission, so i'm happy. of course, randomly, i do better in math than in english. remember what my degree is in? i don't know though--i'm a writer. that just flows. it's harder to diagram sentences and figure out that the linking verb is in the wrong place. in my opinion anyways. so, i rocked the math part. and i get my writing scores in a few weeks. then, i'll find out! and finding out means figuring out my living situation. i'm really ready to move out these days.

i can't figure out if i want to stay in naperville, or if i need to move closer to work (for my own sanity, and the possibility if i get into grad school.) i really go back and forth about this all of the time. that, and i am really going to try to buy instead of renting. that may not be even possible... but my car is paid off now, so that's a big deal. a lot more money in my pocket per month. i'd just need a down payment, and i'm wondering if my dad could help me out with that. once again, these are all just ideas. nothing set in stone. but, places i'd live: lagrange, oak park, naperville, and four lakes in lisle. i just can't wait for annie to move home. it's going to be just great.

job is going well. i just had my first review. ha. my department is so laid back. it was basically like my administrator taking me into a room and being like "i put some good comments about you and im sending it to HR." which is a predetermined raise (i think). and i just found out i get to go to this CINP congress in July, and they're putting me up in a hotel for a week. so that means a few things: 1. fun in the city with my international friends that i've become friends with via email. ha. 2. no commuting for an entire week. 3. playing "tour guide" 4. having my own hotel room (ahh, how relaxing, a getaway, sort of.) and 4. a week away from my typical office scene, escapes are always good. i'm so thrilled about tihs setup. i just really love my boss. he's on my side with everything. it's so refreshing. he's very supportive and encouraging about me starting graduate school... and he's just a good, good, guy. i have problems with one guy at work, whichi'm pretty sure i have goten my point across to :) he started to back off some. (he just has no social skills) but yea. the job is good. i just feel like i totally lucked out. i want to work at a hospital for a long time now i think. :) i've gained a lot of respect for these doctorst that literally put themselves last and pure solely about the care of other people. i'm not saying all doctors are this way--but my boss certainly is. and a few others i'm sure of it :) ok, enough about work.

i just want to say that i noticed all the younger girls (agds that were just babies when i was there) are about to graduate. i've been there guys! don't worry, it's definitely not the end of the world. i talk to janna, lindsey, and konah every single day. i'm not exaggerating. it's been two years. and even the rest of us, we talk frequently. i can't honestly say i've lost touch with anyone totally. at the same time, i can't believe it's two years. i still get somewhat of a rush every time i'm on campus (visiting). i just love purdue so much. it has a place in my heart.

the real world's not too bad though. you get bills yeah, but you get money too. and routine becomes someting you're just really used to. i'm proud of all of you guys though. :) it seems like i just graduated yesterday. i just can't believe that. but anyways, nonetheless... friends are friends forever, pardon the cliche. i still sometimes feel like i live with janna and lindsey. :) i love that.

well this is a long one. sorry for the ramblin! i'm going to get to bed. work tomorrow. ugh. sometimes i hate sundays... haha. i'll write more though. and maybe more interesting ones too.

until next time my faithful blog readers (ha) just kidding

i love this

in the picture
you're right beside me
arms around my neck
eyes like you'll never leave

a love lover
a sweet thing
i know we agreed
but i think i'll call you anyway

yeah hello
it's just me
a little distance
and i lost something in between

old friends

i just got back from visiting annie in new york... had a great time. of course, things to share. i was thinking on the plane ride home today how fortunate i am to have old friends. like, it's weird because we're all grown up now...and some things have changed, but it's so fun how you can get together and just become sixteen again. i love those memories most.

it's so great when somebody knows you so well that being you, simply you, is enough.

when i was picking out birthday cards for annie this year, i had a hard time and eventually had to get her two, one to mail, and one to actually give, because i couldn't decide which onei meant more.

one just said: "you're in all my favorite pictures."
the other: "even the people in my life who don't know you like you, just from the stories."

both so true of her.

we had a great time. the thing is: when people ask me what did you do? the answer is, i can't really explain it in a way that would do it justice. i mean, we literally just hung out. you know? but it was so much more fun than that makes it sound. it was exactly what i needed, to get away from naperville for a weekend and just spend some great sixteen-year-old and some great twenty-four year old moments with one of my favorite people in the world...

like the stars above

it has been forever since i've written. or at least i feel that way. it's weird, i think about it at the most awkward times, when i can't grab the computer (or a pen)... so tonight in the car i told myself, i'm going to get home, and i'm going to write. so here i am fulfilling that. ha.

just got back from a matt wertz show...good stuff. i love intimate concerts. i think there are two kinds of concerts: the summertime party get lawn tickets and drink concerts, and the small venue, you and an acoustic guitarist concerts... both have benefits. anyways...

was listening to the matt nathanson live cd which i just got, and, he covers dire straits 'romeo and juliet' which is just a damn good song to begin with, but i particularly love the line "i love you like the stars above, i'm gonna love you 'till i die...there's a place for us." and not to sound weird or anything, but i actually feel that depth of love for some people. like, i know i'm going to love them until i die. such a strong statement, but what a great feeling to have at the same time.

loving people is so interesting to me. it's such a bizarre thing how you can actually feel differently when you love someone. and i mean platonically too... i mean, i think everyone just has those certain people that regardless of what life's twists and turns may have in store for you, you have this little spot reserved in your heart for them. and you actually know that no matter what, you will love them. until you die. amazing, isn't it? i think so anyways.

i feel like work's taking over my life (i swore i'd never be one of those people...and i won't). it happens pretty quick somehow. i need to put a stop to that. too much other important stuff to do--like being spontaneous, living your dreams, etc.

i did however take the first step toward a very important goal of mine---and it's something i REALLY don't want to do. i registered for the GMAT. this scares me because, i've been out of school for about a year and a half now, and i'd say i stopped studying about 2 years ago. so, where to start? but i knew that i just needed to register for it, set a date, and get myself motivated. otherwise, i can talk myself into years and months of procrastination, and justify it! so, may 5, that's the big day. i ordered the prep book today too. i'm going to do this! i can do it. it might take several nights of me locking myself in the library or starbucks with the book, but i can do it. my application is done other than this test score... so, yeah. it's the necessary bridge i have to cross. i feel good that i at least have a date, and that i registered. now i just need to make myself study for it. :)

but life's been good to me. i wouldn't change much about my life right now--so that's always a good thing. i've been at my job a year, which i absolutely can't believe... but i'm happy that i somehow ended up in a good place.

that's all for now, i'll write again when inspiration hits and i'm not in a car... why is it always that way?

i love you like the stars above
i'm gonna love you 'till i die...

exhausting

ever just feel like you're trying to hard? and you're exhausting all of your efforts into something that one day you have the perspective enough to realize...will never be.
Or totally dedicating yourself to people who just do not seem to return the favor...and even worse do not seem to really care.
I guess I hate feeling disappointed, who doesn't? But it's worse when you really put your whole heart into a relationship with a person--and by relationship I mean any, a relative, a friend, a significant other--and realize far too late that you were giving 150%, and they were giving about 10. That whole time.

What a waste of time and energy.

And maybe I shouldn't look at it that way. I mean, I guess you come out being the better, bigger person, but there's only so many times you can reassure yourself with that fact. And only so many times you can accept it as enough in return.

Maybe the solution is to just lower your expectation of others--don't set yourself up to be impressed, and you won't be let down. I don't know, but whatever I've been doing for the past 24 years can't be right. People either need to start caring, or I need to stop.

you sounded so good on the phone

you sounded so good on the phone

all moved up, and all moved on

me and gravity--we never did agree.

i can almost see the sky,

when i need to close my eyes--

you're the only thing that's worth holding on to.

there's something i love about having candles lit at nightime and writing. it inspires me, i don't know if that's because it's supposed to. but it does.

i've found that if you fill your room with little trinkets that feel like home to you, that make you comfortable in your surroundings, whether it be a unique vase, or pictures of friends, or just a cozy blanket... they kind of make you feel like your space is occupied, so you feel just a little less alone. i'm aware that might sound crazy--but really, i think it's true.

i stay up entirely too late. it's when things come to me though. it's the only time i am able to put my crazy thoughts in words good enough to keep. and sometimes, not even that.

wouldn't the world be a little different if we just did exactly what we felt? some people do i guess. i don't. sometimes i wish i could do that. well, i could. sometimes i wish i would do that. i've become much better at speaking my mind though--both regarding the way i feel about things and the way i want things done. that's something i can say i've definitely improved on.

can't believe we're already like 10% through the new year... seriously, where does time go? i still have to think about it when i write down my age... sometimes i guess i just don't feel 24.

they had my cousin's story on a & e tonight. it was a long time ago, almost 2 years, but i'm honestly sick of bad things happening to good people. i have a hard time justfiying that. i need some answers. i want to know why babies die and murderers live...you know? it's something i struggle with everyday--not that exact scenerio, but you get what i'm saying. i'm not one that does good with "just because." or "that's the way it is." why? i need to know why.

do you ever feel like you're going to be alone for the rest of your life? i do. it's a scary thing to think about. that could be a really, really, long time from now. i guess you have to know that you can make it on your own, without wanting to still--does that make sense?

and i guess you never know. but the possibility...scary.
i get bored way too easily to spend the rest of my life alone. :)

anyways, goodnight.

two discoveries.

konah introduced me to this website, which i just absolutely love. it's called storypeople. they are just story excerpts, but summmed up perfectly--even if they're mid-phrase. they all make sense to me in a bizarre way. i just adore them. here are some of my favorite things i found on there...

"the exact moment of night & it's the kind of thing you remember for years afterwards he just happened to glance up at the right time "

"In the end, I think that I will like that we were sitting on the bed, talking & wondering where the time had gone. "

"I moved a lot when I was young & I still ache a bit at the thought of all those autumns in new & unfamiliar landscapes. "

"Just because they die, she said, doesn't mean they go away. "

"This only weighs a lot if you've forgotten to do the stuff you wanted to do all along."

"You're the strangest person I ever met, she said & I said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time. "

"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short. "

"I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who I am "
---
and thanks konah, for the best compliment i've received in a long time today.
"you're such a great person... you never stop thinking about other people." she told me. and you know, i think you try to be the best person you can, but it really only takes one person, or a few people, to shoot you right back down. that's something that will stick with me for a lifetime, though, and will make me strive to always be a better person. thanks for cheering me up all weekend konah... and everybody.
lindseys, "you make my life worthwhile"
anne's "you make it worthwhile for me too, i love you."
kelly's "you've always been one of my favorite people, amy."
iss' "hang in there a."
i love you guys.
and as for all this other stuff, it doesn't matter when i have such amazing, dedicated friends. i know we will know each other for such a long time, i couldn't ask for more.

so true

i think you love people until you understand them, she said, and i said, what happens then?
and she said oh, that's when you move away.

you can only change yourself

a lot of times, and all too often, i find myself wanting to change things for people. let me try to explain. if someone i'm close to, or even someone i just know or knew, is living a dishonest life, or just living with something i couldn't... i think about it all the time. how could they do that? how do they face themselves? well it was just recently that it occured to me--why do i care? what good is it going to do? and, i knew this all along, but i guess it just set in that although everything may seem okay with them on the outside, you have to face yourself at the end of the day right? and chances are if you're doing something in your life that you don't want other people to know about--it's not easy to face yourself. i can't imagine how hard it would be to disapprove of your own lifestyle, but be stuck and unable to change it. so hard. anyways, just some ramblings. things i stumbled upon.

life's been ok for me. i've been working and that's about it--but that's okay with me at this point. i see my friends occasionally. i'm up for doing something every day, so if someone offers, you can assume i'm there. the job is great. still working on graduate school. i need to prepare for a test, and i haven't studied in a year. i'm not really excited about that at all. but hey, when it's done, it's done.

i booked a flight to see anne in NY in march, and to visit lindsey in LA in may. i'm excited. i needed things to look forward to, and things to spend my vacation time on, so i'm not just taking off days and sitting at home--feels too unproductive these days. i don't enjoy inactivity anymore. but anyways, so these trips were the perfect solution to both problems. and it will of course, be good to see my friends. i miss them very much.

but that's about it. pretty sure i am moving in with anne pretty soon when aj gets deployed again. probably in naperville for about a year. that's the plan for now anyways... sounds good to me. :)

some new great lyrics. well, new to me.

please remember me
happily
by the rose bush laughing
with bruises on my chin
a time when
we counted every black car
passing your house
beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention.

but please, remember me.
fondly.
i heard from someone you're still pretty.
and they went on to say
that the pearly gate
had some eloquent graffiti
like "we'll meet again"
and "fuck the man"
and "tell your mother not to worry"
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry.
-iron and wine, "the trapeze swinger"

well it's 2006

happy new year. of course after a long weekend and about 4 days off... i'm wide awake at 2 am. go figure. i figured i'd update this--it's been sort of awhile. for me at least.

the holidays were great. in the past 7 work days--i've worked 2! ha. that is pretty worth it in itself. i've enjoyed my time off, spending it with my family, my friends from home. we were able to all get together, so that's always awesome. i miss the good old days but i'm glad everyone's doing well. still, when we all get together it's just like it was back then. i love that. and i know it will always be like that, which i love even more. i haven't stopped knowing them, you know? even though we've all been doing our own things for quite some time now. i still feel at home when i'm with them--and that's well, it's just awesome.

i guess every year i sort of make a point to reflect on the previous year and what has transpired... and so i'll make a little list of those things in 2005. as with anything in life, some good, some bad. so here goes:

• i got past this whole car accident thing. that's a major plus.
• i got a new car, stuck to my goals about paying it off, and it should be paid for in about april or may of this year. awesome.
• i paid off a few of my credit cards.
• i have my entire graduate school application done (including letters of recommendation! and my personal statement) i just need to take the GMAT!
• besides living with my parents i am completely independent financially! that means, no rent, but--double car payments, cell phone bills, credit card bills, student loans, car insurance, medical insurance, dentist/doctor appointments, prescriptions, and just everyday expenses. i'm proud of myself for that. i know that for everyone that's not a total 180, but considering how i was fully supported (and didn't work) during college--i think for me it's a long way to come in a year.
• i had a rough time getting a job for awhile there, and i was kind of hard on myself. this lasted a couple of months. but it paid off.
• i somehow, amazingly, landed a really good job. i have a great boss whos taught me a lot, and i can see myself there for a long time.
• i learned a lot about medical research, medical school, hospitals, doctors, etc. it has really been a big educational stepping stone for me. it's true you never know what you'll end up liking until you try it.
• my family moved back to naperville and i got to spend some quality months with my friends that live here again (before they move away...and before i move out.) also, i got to spend time with my parents after work and things like that. i know i'm getting old to be living at home, but honestly, i enjoyed doing it this last year. once i'm out, i'm out you know? i'm really grateful for this past year at home. i missed being around here. and my parents are pretty easy to live with. now i sort of feel ready to move on, but that's another whole story. i'm glad i did it while i could. it feels right.
• i lost my grandma this summer. i saw my, granted shes overemotional, mother go through the hardest time of her life. i realized how hard that is going to be for me someday.
• i got help for something i needed help for a long time ago. i found the strength to do that, and i'm so much healthier now because of it.
• i realized who my true friends are after leaving school.
• my best friend got married to a great guy.
• i stood up in my first wedding!
• one of my good friends from college had a beautiful baby.
• i threw my first baby shower (with the help of steph of course)!
• three of my friends got engaged.
• i was able to successfully rekindle with a lot of friends i had not so much lost contact with, but just had a hard time getting together with when i was away at school. i'm really happy about that. (that's you kara! among others.)
• i turned 24!
• christine and i finally had that joint birthday party we were always talking about growing up!
• i think i am (slowly but surely) getting a little less shy!
• i regained contact with some friends from school that i really missed. i'm so happy to have them back (mike, josh, pervis, etc.) i temporarily forgot how much fun we all have together.
• i talk to my college roommates every day. i don't feel any more distant from them than i did when i was living with them. i know we'll all grow old together.
• i really think that i did everything i could to be a good friend and a good daughter. i hope i'm right. i mean, i made mistakes. but for the most part, i think i did my best to fix them.
• i can honestly say i enjoyed my year.

and now i'm not really good at making resolutions. mostly because i hate making things that i end up not sticking to... and life sometimes can get a little busier than you expect. but in any case, my so called goals for the next year... well, here's a few.

• to stop obsessing over things that i really need to get over. to worry about my life, my own life, and to get over the past. to look to the future more. that's a big one for me.
• to take this dang gmat and get my loyola application in.
• to get a promotion, or a payraise, or both at work at my review this june.
• to continue to be a good friend and a good daughter to the best of my ability.
• to pay off my car.
• to keep paying off my credit cards.
• to figure out where i want to live, and once i do that (and my car is paid off) to get my own place.
• to visit Anne in New York and Lindsey in LA with my vacation time. Hopefully with friends!! Iss, Janna, Lisa, Konah...that's you guys!
• to keep the same relationship with my college roommates and my high school friends that i have right now.
• to always make time for my friends--no matter how busy i might feel. there are always more important things.
• to write more. to read more books. to do more. to travel.
• to get a healthier lifestyle--exercise, eat more wholesomely... in other words, less pizza, more chicken. less cookies, more apples.
• to give back. someway, somehow. and i don't mean just donating money. to actually physically do something for a good cause.
• to always remember how lucky i am. even on my worst days.
• to get one of my postcards on http://postsecret.blogspot.com
• to make someone's day. to make a lot of people's day.
• to not forget a single birthday of anyone i know. to make their birthdays great.
• i'd like a boyfriend--but i'm not going to get down on myself if i don't accomplish that. i think that has to sort of just happen. but let's just say i hope it happens to me :)
• to tell people what they mean to me rather than just thinking it all the time. to put my feelings on the table. i just think you never know when you can make someones day, or even save someones life. i think everyone has more going on than we sometimes realize. it's too easy to take people for granted.
• to be a little more outgoing. stop hiding so much. stop being so shy. reach out to new people! make friends at work, school, etc.
• to really and truly, fully believe in myself.
• to have another great year. to be my best.

well i think that about sums it up for now. it's quite possible that i'll end up adding more. to both categories, but in any case... i felt the need to address the new year after some great time with both family and friends. it's funny how i think life was over after college... i mean i knew better, but i couldn't imagine. and now i'm in a good place still. a very different world, but still a good life. i should spend less time thinking too hard maybe...

happy new year everyone.