Monday, June 27, 2005

getting fixed

i've debated about writing about this on here for awhile but i guess i decided that it's my way of reaching out. besides i saw and realized that my problems are not so severe as i had once believed. but still, i have them.

i haven't been myself lately. i don't know how to explain that other than to say that i haven't been myself lately. it's subtle things, mostly the way i think, that people would never notice, but i actually think completely differently than i used to. i guess this has been going on for about a year. for a year, i didn't tell anyone. i would have panic attacks all the time, wake up in night terrors and a lot of other crazy things... but the thing is - because i haven't had this condition my whole life, i knew what it was like to be normal. that's the hard part about it all is that you know you're not right becuase you remember what it feels like to feel good.

anyway, the panic attacks got so bad that it was interfering with my work, my ability to fall asleep, my appetite, everything. i went to a doctor and got a perscription for xanax. it's hard to explain panic attacks to someone if you've never had one -- the best i can do is to say that you are absolutely positive you are dying. well, that happened to me a few too many times, and i decided to get some help. when this all started a year ago, i was under a lot of stress at the time i guess, and living in a stressful situation. as for why i was getting them now, i have no idea. some doctors have told me it can be genetic (and since i'm adopted i would have no idea about that), some doctors told me that it can be a result of a change in lifestyle. hey, i did just graduate college and move to working full time. but for some reason, i still don't think that's the case.

anyway, i went to a doctor since the first one was just an "urgent care" doctor and xanax was just a temporary solution. i'm now on my second day of taking lexapro, which is an anti-depressant anti-anxiety... and it won't be in full effect for a few weeks so i don't know if it's helping... yet.

what i do know is that i used to be sincerely happy in my mind. i knew the purpose of my life was to be a good person, to be a good friend, a hard worker, and to be a good daughter. eventually someday, to be a good wife, a good mother. now i don't really think like that. i question existence a lot, not my own, but just in general, human existance. the fact that we've made this world and we all just sort of abide by the rules but we don't really know what our ultimate purpose is here? that really freaks me out. and i know it's just like a chemical imbalance i have going on right now. i think i am going to get better. i really do. i think i'm going to get back to who i was. but i think a lot of the problem in my life is that i don't trust people and that causes me a ton of anxiety. i'm always paranoid people are talking about me or thinking bad things about me and stuff like that and i think it's somewhat realistic because unfortunately, that is what people do. they talk about other people. i've seen good friends talk about each other right in front of their faces. just makes you wonder if you can really trust anyone you know? i've thought about going to see a doctor like someone to talk to and all of that, but then i realized that i just need to help myself. i don't know if anyone else can help me.

i'm trying to get better. i don't think i have it too bad after all of the things i've seen and heard in this world. the weirdest part about it though is that i know that i'm lucky. i know that i grew up in a nice town in a nice house with parents who love me and i have a lot of great friends, really great friends, it's not that. that's not the problem. i know i am lucky. i know i have a good life and i know i am fortunate. but for whatever reason, that doesn't make me happy. i just think that i used to be really optimistic and now i have way more of a guard up. i'm so careful who i let in and all of that now because i'm serious when i say that i don't completely trust anyone. i know that's not normal. i am trying to work on it.

but now i wonder if all along i've been this way and just never known any different? i mean i can remember i used to feel happy. but now i act happy. it's totally different. i'm not sure how long i've been acting. but i want to be better. and i'm trying to be better. and i'm not posting this for attention or anything like that, i guess i just needed somewhere to sort my thoughts. i seriously don't want sympathy. i just want to get better, and i know i have to do that on my own.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

my allison!

Congratulations to Allison Mark and Tyler Mayer on their engagement.
You guys make a great pair. I'm happy for you both. :)

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

here's to anne

you ever know somebody that just feels like home to you?
someone that you can just let that game of pretend go with and let your guard down and
just be... you?

that comfort that somebody knows you so well and still loves you is like a drug. like this perfect utopia, that in this hectic day and age and lifestyle, you can let loose and just be... because that is the way that they like you.

now the term best friend. that's a term i use, but sort of hate. because it reminds me back to the middle school days of "whos your best friend" and all of that business. but okay, some people just meet and they just connect and from the beginning they just know that they crossed paths for a reason. that their adventure has just begun. that they are going to know each other awhile.

i met my best friend when i was a freshman in high school. it's kinda crazy, we met through a mutual friend, but within a week we were completing each others sentences. it was the sort of thing where you think you share a mind. we had a lot of good years. went to different colleges. had a lot of good times in between those years.

and now she's getting married and moving away. i'm so happy for her - but at the same time - i'm so sad to lose her, does that make sense? it's strange that this time is over you know, being young and single, hanging out and singing in the car, going to bars, no responsibilities, no worries, just youth... it's like i'm losing a little part of me, but i'm so happy for her husband and her because they are both gaining so much.

i don't want to sound selfish, it just saddens me a little. a chapter's over, you know? it's like leaving for college again except this time, for life... and i've never had a friend who made me feel so confident, so sure of myself, so worthwhile... and left feeling like i've owed her nothing. she is one of the strongest people i have ever met in my life and she is a huge part of the person that i am. i'm sad to see her go, even though, i know i'm not losing her.

today we walked away from a restaurant, like we've done a million times you know and she's like "i'll see you before i leave right?" and before that i was okay... but then i got in my car and im thinking gosh from now on it's going to be "we're coming to visit" and "do you want to meet us somewhere" and not that that's a bad thing, it's just that when you've spent 10 years knowing someone since we were dumb kids, it's kinda hard to believe.

but in any case, here's to anne. for the best of years, now and then.
i know she will never read this (without someone elses recommendation)
but in any case - thanks for how much you've helped me grow, how much you've taught me, and how much you mean to me.