Monday, May 14, 2012


lately i've been thinking a lot about how i've given up something i love and enjoy - writing. it's mostly because i don't have a ton of interesting things to write about, but then i realized that didn't always matter, and i wrote anyways, interesting or not.  so, i'm going to try to take that on again.

life updates - not much! still with scott, it's been over three years now and though it's not the same puppy love as the first year, it's fun to watch how love grows and changes. and it's so fun to hang out with your best friend, and be in love with him and ready to start a life with him at the same time. i always thought that was cliche - but it really happens.  so that's exciting all of the time.

i turned 30 in november. i never really thought that day would come, i mean even on november 27th (the day before my 30th birthday), i still didn't believe i'd ever be THIRTY. i tried to hide from it, tried to skip it, nothing worked. i'm 30! it's not the number i mind, and it's not that i think 30 is old, but it's just that i can't figure out how it's possible that i graduated high school 12 years ago, or college 8 years ago. that's the confusing part. i'm not having a tough time with my age as a number, but moreso the realization that life is moving way too fast for me and i didn't even realize it until i reached a "milestone," per say. it wasn't like i turned 30 and felt totally different, but more like i couldn't believe that i got my drivers license FOURTEEN years ago. how is that even possible? all of the sudden it started to make sense to me how my dad has always told me that it seems impossible he graduated college so-and-so years ago. i always believed him, but i also sort of thought, "come on, you had to KIND of know." no, it's true. it goes so fast you lose track until you really sit down and think about it.  so, that's kind of what thirty meant for me.

other than that, i feel like i'm in a good place for thirty. i feel fortunate to have two supportive, understanding parents, a boyfriend that would do anything in the world for me, a job, a cute puppy, and live in a great city for seven years now. you can't really complain about any of that.

of course, as it does to everyone, life has still thrown me some hurdles along the way, but i've survived. sometimes i think i won't survive, being the emotionally high-strung personality that i am, but i always do. the older i get the more i realize what's important. the hard part is remembering that when i'm upset. i always KNOW it, and i always KNOW better, but emotions sometimes have a way of getting the best of us. 

i'm still trying to get a bit more comfortable with letting go of people when it's right. 

i guess for a long time, i never thought it was right to let go of people, or let yourself lose important people in your life. i'm faithful that way, a loyal friend - and i can honestly say that i can love people at their worst - and i sometimes feel i deserve the same in return, but, that's not always how it works. i'm not great at letting go. i'm just not. it's been a learning process for me, because between your 20's and your 30's, you do lose a lot of people. and it's not all negative! it's taken me a long time to see that, maybe ten or fifteen years. 

i remember graduating high school and i remember telling my dad those would be my friends forever... and i remember his response, and for the record I DID NOT agree with him. he told me, "wait until college. you'll know those friends forever." i wouldn't have agreed with you about this five years ago, i still would have shook my head... now i'm going, "why does my dad know everything?" ha. 

and maybe he doesn't. maybe that's just how our two lives turned out... but still.

anyway, high school friends, college friends, boyfriends, family, whomever... you have to keep people around that are good for you and people around that lift you up. the world is negative enough, and we're always going to have problems and abiguous obstacles that hurt us... so why not make the circle of people in our lives strong? it should be strong, loyal, and forgiving. it's so true. and a quote i read recently that absolutely makes sense with growing up and "losing" people, has really helped me with this concept:

"Sometimes, you have to realize that it's okay to have people in your heart, but not in your life." 

it doesn't mean you need to stop loving them, it just means you need to stop thinking about them every day if it's bringing you down. no one needs that kind of poison, life's tricky enough. :)

right now i'm looking forward to a wonderful chicago summer with Scott, Wrigley (dog), and friends. i'm so happy it's warming up. i feel grateful to have a job in this economy (even if it's not a prestigious job, it's a steady job), my health, my family, my loyal friends, and of course, Scott and Wrigs. no matter what has changed in my 20's, i wouldn't change a thing right now -- and that's what matters. 

Friday, January 27, 2012


i turned 30 about two months ago.

i didn't really think i'd have a problem with turning thirty, and i still don't really have a "problem" with it, but i'll admit that it does feel a lot older than 29 did. and while i know it's just a number, it feels different.

something happened in the past few months. i have no idea if it has to do with me, my circumstances, or the way life has handled itself to me, but suddenly i'm just so much less concerned with what anyone thinks. i don't mean that in a bad way. i respect opinions of my friends and family and always will, but i just don't seem as affected by it as i used to. i can remember entire days and nights consumed with thoughts of "what do they think?" and i can honestly say i just don't think that way anymore. i still love everyone, i always will. i respect opinions, but i realized that you just have to listen to yourself. and i have no idea what made me realize it, but i did... and i'm happier than i've been in a long time.

i have realizations about a lot of things. i know i was meant to be a teacher. i have always known so and still do. every time i hear anyone say "follow your heart" or "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" it secretly hurts me because i know i need to teach. but - it's not too late and i will!

love: love has brought upon emotions in me that i didn't even know were possible. both positive and negative. i have become the loving person i knew i had in me, but to a capacity i did not even realize i had in me. and, i have been happy to an extent that i didn't even realize was possible. negatives: i feel so strongly sometimes that i react in ways i didn't know i was capable of. love is SO powerful. i never believed anyone about this. it changes you, for the better, mostly, but also sometimes for the worst. i refuse to believe anyone that their relationship is perfect. it would be wonderful if life worked that way, but it just doesn't. at the end of the day though, it just doesn't matter.

it just doesn't.

if you love each other, you do everything in your power to always love each other. there are ups, there are downs, it's not that different than life, except you have something to look forward to coming home to. it is not an easy world and love/relationships aren't an exception to the rule. if it was perfect, would it be realistic? it's work, but it's worth it.... and i can tell you one thing - my life hasn't been perfect, my relationship hasn't been perfect, but i so strongly know where i belong. and that is all that matters. :)

happy new year!