Wednesday, December 21, 2005

so this is christmas

my parents and i went downtown last night to see A Christmas Carol at the goodman theatre... it's been a few years since we've done that. we used to go every year. but this year, as an adult it just meant that much more to me. i think my family is more important now and i've grown up a lot in the past 5 or so years. still every year i forget what christmas is about. i mean, i always know, but i'll have little glimpses of forgetfulness where i'll catch myself making a detailed list of things i want... but really it's much more about spreading joy and being with your family. and just, once a year, remembering what's important.

i love that play. it really puts things in perspective.

merry christmas.
remember what's important to you.

Friday, December 09, 2005

100 things about amy j

(thanks for the idea yerga)
1. i consider my bed to be a good investment.
2. i lived in texas for almost 10 years.
3. i was devastated when we moved.
4. for five years i hung every letter my best friend gave me on my wall--it took up a whole wall.
5. i went to private schools for 13 years.
6. although i'm not super religious, i'm very defensive of being catholic because of the way i was raised and schooled.
7. i don't think i'll be able to afford naperville when i'm older.
8. i am in love with my job.
9. i ended up doing something totally different than i ever thought i'd be doing, but i love learning and that's exactly what i'm doing.
10. i really look up to my boss.
11. i really look up to my parents.
12. i was adopted at birth and i really never think about it.
13. i feel completely part of my family.
14. i can't imagine my life any differently.
15. i did not care about where i applied to college.
16. i did not care which college i picked.
17. my parents have always cared way more where i went to school than i have.
18. i would have gone to naperville north if it wouldn't have disappointed my parents.
19. i'm really glad i picked purdue.
20. my best friend talked me into rushing a sorority.
21. before this i thought they were fake and i wanted nothing to do with them.
22. those sorority girls are now my best friends.
23. my dad always told me my friends for life would be my friends from college.
24. i didn't believe him.
25. he was right.
26. i have an extremely competitive personality.
27. if i could change one thing about myself, that would probably be it.
28. i really want to give back to society someday.
29. i don't know why i don't do something about it right now.
30. i have a really hard time letting go of things.
31. as with 30, i have a really tough time with change.
32. i'm disappointed easily.
33. i'm hurt even more easily.
34. i act a lot tougher than i am.
35. i'm sincerely scared i am not going to get married.
36. i cried about this once at jakes (i was drunk).
37. i want to apply to graduate school REALLY bad, but i can't seem to get my act together.
38. i take a lot of pictures.
39. i really only like black and white pictures.
40. but i still get mine developed in color most of the time.
41. my favorite color lately is green.
42. i think this is due to its absense in the rest of my life.
43. i think i was really cute in kindergarten.
44. i have owned two cars and they are/were both red.
45. i used to hate red cards.
46. i love love love love love love music.
47. i can not imagine my life, a bad day, driving, any aspect of life without music.
48. my favorite movies are good will hunting, meet joe black, dead poets society, love actually, serendipity, and finding neverland.
49. i hope to be like morrie when i'm old and sick.
50. i consider myself an optimist but i think i may actually be a pessimist.
51. i really want to go to italy.
52. i am terrified of alligators.
53. i used to be terrified of rollercoasters.
54. one time my parents went on the ghost tour of the Queen Mary in california and i screamed and interrupted the tour. oops.
55. all of my friends are starting not to use AIM--i consider this us "getting old."
56. i wish i had the patience to learn more about web design. i really like it.
57. i miss my dog every day.
58. the only thing i miss about california is the memories.
59. i wonder where i will be in ten years and i have no idea.
60. i'd like to read more than i do.
61. i love to write anything and everything.
62. i love the power of words.
63. that is one of the main reasons i love music.
64. one of my teachers at purdhe changed my life and he has no idea.
65. i always thought about telling him.
66. but i was way too scared.
67. in high school i thought the same thing of a teacher, but i told him.
68. i was getting a bad grade in his class but i wanted him to know that i tried.
69. he was really touched when i told him.
70. there are two things i want to do at some point in my life: make greeting cards or work for a greeting card company, and get published as an author.
71. if i do those two things, i will be really proud.
72. i owe my parents a lot of money that they would never let me pay them back.
73. i always wonder if i'll be unselfish enough to do the same someday for my kids.
74. i like shopping for other people more than i like shopping for myself.
75. i never in a million years thought i'd work in a hospital.
76. there are a lot of people that i wish i'd gotten to know in college, and in life.
77. i can not believe i am 24 years old.
78. people keep telling me that's young.
79. i think it's really, really old.
80. i think i am running out of time to get all of these things done.
81. i wrote a list when i was in 8th grade, 100 things i wanted to do before i died.
82. i wish i knew where it was so i could start crossing things off.
83. i tell my parents everything.
84. i treat them like they are my friends.
85. i think david letterman is hot.
86. not for an old guy, for any guy.
87. i love everything that tom hanks is in.
88. i think i am over dave matthews band.
89. i never thought i'd say that!
90. i could make a list right now of everyone i will know for the rest of my life.
91. it would be right on target.
92. Target is my favorite store.
93. i like shopping for stationary and candles better than clothes.
94. i like clothes too, just not as much.
95. i hate cold weather and snow except on christmas.
96. in texas we used to swim on christmas.
97. i don't really like carpet.
98. i get stressed out when people aren't down to earth.
99. i get stressed out way too easily.
100. i know better, but life can be tough to plan.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

sunday morning, rain is falling

i have been thinking about someone every day for five years. i'm not tired of it. that's the worst part. i go back to old journals, pictures, letters, and i'm right back in that time. it is refreshing, but unfair.

i hate this. that you can be thinking about someone across the country for this long, and know that they've kind of forgotten about you. they're living their life happily somewhere else... and you're at home...missing them.

i miss the closeness. the conversations. and i'm sorry if that sounds corny, but i actually miss those things the most. i'm kicking myself for never saying things i should have said, and doing things that i shouldn't have done. i miss that time in my life. i'd do almost anything to go back and make changes. i could have done something. and maybe it wouldn't have mattered--but at least i'd know now. and i wouldn't be thinking so much about it and mentally exhausting myself over things i really have no control over.

i still love him...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

and maybe...

and maybe i will never get it all figured out. i mean, maybe not. maybe i am not meant to. maybe i'll live my entire life by myself. but that's okay. maybe music will lead me through my life. maybe my writing will somehow catch a wild wave and make me famous or something... maybe.

but i'm not counting on any of that.

i hope to someday, watch the sunrise again in the same intent i did last.
i hope to someday, raise a family, as strong as mine.
i hope to someday, be respected for what i believe in. i hope for a solid life.

and until then -- i'll be dreaming.
first night of being 24.... goodnight world.


thank you to:
christine, iss, lisa, annie, kara, janna, lindsey, konah, foy, christina, ali, jenny, alex, ashley, yerga, rachel, melanie, jen, mike, nick, kelly, steph, miss allison mark, maddy, julie, B (such a nice, unexpected message.. thanks) carey and last but not least (and not that they will read this) my parents.

thank you so much for your birthday wishes. it's once a year you realize what you mean to everyone. i am so glad to know you all. thank you for being wonderful people to me. really... it's what keeps me going. every single day.

i'm really sorry if that sounds corny but i've realized a lot since college. who should be around and who shouldn't. so i want you all to know (or whoever reads this) that every impact means a lot to me. even the smallest notion of kindness impacts me. and i may seem like i'm always one to joke around or whatever, but when it comes down to it, this is what counts... to me.

so thank you
for phone calls, emails, and facebook messages. you all mean a lot.

love you.


Monday, November 28, 2005

my birthday

i have spent my entire birthday... it is 4 pm, laying in bed listening to jackson browne.

it was exactly what i needed.

i cancelled all my plans, avoided conversations. i just spent my birthday

thank you.

sometimes i can't help but to think how nice it would be to pack up and abandon everything you know. go with just yourself. see where you get. don't let people's judgements get in your way. live a life that only you understand.

"and while the future's there for anyone to change,
still you know it seems

it would be easier sometimes just to change the

i'm just one or two years
and a couple of changes
behind you
In my lessons of loves pain and heartache school."

Sunday, November 27, 2005

be careful with me

there's this jewel song i used to really like. because i used to really relate to it i guess. there is a line that said "please be careful with me. i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way." just thinking about that today.

i get my hopes up too much. really. i really got hurt today because i set myself up for disaster. i got really excited about something that was unrealistic. and guess what, it didn't happen. and now i'm here, hurt, two days before my birthday.

when this was all going on--my mom came in and goes "so nobody is planning anything for your birthday" and i seriously just started bawling. it is so weird, i'm not usually emotional that way. i just cried. i think she was confused. and so i explained to this person that hurt me that i'm fragile and i can't handle situations like that. i really can't take being let down. i swear, you take a chance with someone and you're always going to get hurt. it seems to happen to me all the time.

iss picked me up and tried to cheer me up. she always knows what to say. she is the best. one of those people you can't imagine your life without... you know? we listened to keith urban and i had tears in my eyes. i miss so many parts of my life that aren't there anymore. i miss so much from the past that i won't get back. it just doesn't seem right because you only live once you know? i want a lot of second chances that i will, unfortunately, never have.

check out these words (i know, i know it's country, still, they're so good)

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need them
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot BETTER
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

the strong part of me relates to that. the weak part doesn't. i'll always miss the greatness in my life that doesn't exist anymore. i'll always miss something. i guess that's a part of being alive. i just wish people weren't so hurtful. today was the first time, in a really long time, i felt really, truly hurt. i guess i should sleep on it some. 24 hours until 24 years old... life moves too quick.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


One of the most powerful moments of my life...

Middle of the night... "This song's for you Amy"

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long

But when you hold me like you do it feels so right
I start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling, like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife
If you love me, I've got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last

So whose to worry if our hearts get torn
when that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on?
And won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last.
This year's love had better last.

I love this song. It's like - don't think too hard. Just go for it. Follow your heart. The third verse says it all...

giving thanks

we didn't do grace this year at dinner. i think it's because everyone feels strange saying it without my grandma around. not to be morbid but it's been 2 years since we lost her... time flies. i miss her. she was always so complementary of me. it's amazing to see someone whos lived your life in years times three and still has respect for you. it's a good feeling.

i've begun to appreciate everything. i think it's part of getting old, but really...

thank you to all of my favorite people. you know who you are. you read this. you make my life better. you make me who i am. i've made it this far because of you. thanks.

happy thanksgiving everyone.

Friday, November 11, 2005

i always think of things to write about when i'm driving. but then i forget them. maybe i should keep a little notebook in my center counsel or something for that reason. i remember in my college creative writing class, our teacher made us carry around a pocket notebook, like it was an actual assignment because he's like "you guys will run into things all of the time that you will just want to write about later... so, write it down." at first i thought it was weird/embarrassing, but he was actually right. interesting.

went to dinner last night with friends at cafe iberco. good times. i love that place. i love get togethers of any type. it's so great when people make time for each other outside of work, even if it's just a couple of hours. a working girl needs that ya know?

annes coming home this weekend. that will be great. she's one of my favorite people in the world to be around. she's just so neutral. it's relaxing, honestly. it's like there's never any rush for anything, never any complications of any sort... plus, she hasn't been over since we moved. should be fun.

sorry about my last depressing post. i know i can be really down on myself sometimes. i guess everyone can. really though i was just being honest. there's things i want in life that i know that i can't have... i suppose there are those things for everybody.

and that's part of life. getting by on your own.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

i have a wonderful life...sometimes

weekend realizations:

i will always have a lot of really great friends for my whole life.
nothing makes me happier than being with people i'm comfortable around. being myself, and being really liked for that.
a different life takes over once you graduate, but when you go back to school with the people you spent time with there... it feels the exact same, and probably always will.
life can be hard sometimes--a release can fix that immediately.
sometimes escaping the norm is all you have to do to feel sane.
appreciation is stronger than it seems.
compatibility is a strange thing.

i still love the same guy that i did eight years ago. i don't know if i can ever change that, but i really hope so.
i wish it was okay for me to call him.
i wish he would call me.
i wish he cared as much as i do.
i wish my former 10 page single-spaced thoughts on paper after the last time i saw him didn't get deleted with the loss of my old computer.
i wish i could have him.
i know that i can't.
but i dream that i can to keep me feeling healthy.
i hold on to the good times. every single morning and night.
i still think of him every time i hear a love song. there's just not anyone else that comes to mind.
i still remember what it was like to sleep next to him.
that's the closest i've ever been to love i guess... hope that changes.

i feel like i'm getting too old to do this young love thing, and i'm going to miss out on a lot.
wish i had a little more on my resume in that area.

i love my parents. i'm really scared for the times when i'm going to have to go through what they just went through with their parents.... i hope neither one ever gets sick. i honestly, truly, don't know how i am going to ever be okay after that. i know it's depressing to talk about but nevertheless inevitable...

life life life
good and bad

That the sky would lift
That I’d find my place
That I’d see your face in the door
And the sun would glint
On a time well spent
On a time that ain’t no more

Monday, October 31, 2005

a late night halloween realization

3:30 a.m. i just woke up. i guess, happy halloween! ha. i just had a dream though so i felt like writing. because i woke up and i wasn't even in a daze. it's weird, i was like awake and started thinking. and i just went to bed at 11, so i really don't understand why... but that's alright.

it is kind of funny how things end up. i think about all of the people i've met in my lifetime... and allowed myself to become, at some point or another, close to. a lot of times that was setting myeslf up for disaster. but it's like, when i was younger and i guess in more social settings, i didn't really care. it was almost like i could have complete disrespect for somebody, and still call them a friend. that has, since college, all changed.

i realize now that i can't enjoy someones company if i don't respect their lifestyle. by that i don't mean that they need to be just like me, but i think you have to have a certain amount of respect for yourself, and respect for other be respected. a lot of people that i used to call friends don't fall into this category, and i've noticed the distance since college. and the weirdest part? it feels so healthy.

i'm not saying i'm perfect. i am most certainly not. i have made a lot, and i mean a lot of mistakes in my lifetime. i have a lot of regrets. but i think i have learned from them, and i think that i can say with a pretty decent amount of validity that i treat my friends with the same respect that i feel for them. and people who don't do that in return...well, i don't need them.

i know certain people are evil. i know some people just do not seem to care if they hurt you or not. i've realized all of this. i've had plenty of friends through the years, come and gone because they were out for themselves and themselves only, and honestly did not care if they hurt anyone along the way. i was not built that way. i don't understand it. but i have realized that is how it is, and now, at almost 24, i've surrounded myself with people whom i have mutual respect for. this natural selection process so to say, has cut out a lot of the drama in my life, a lot of the guilt i used to feel for being gossipy, either first or second hand, and a lot of the paranoia i used to feel hanging around people that i knew would hurt me, had they had the chance. everyone in my daily life right now is a positive, and it feels very healthy.

wow, that was a lot to write at almost 4 am.
well, happy halloween. goodnight.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


i think this is actually the first time i'm writing on here because i'm bored. usually it's because i think of something, and want to write about it... today, just bored.

had a really good weekend. i went to see matt nathanson and matt wertz at the house of blues. it was a lot of fun. saturday night i went out downtown naperville with christine and her roommate. we had a good time.

been fairly unproductive today. i just kinda laid around. i just took a shower for the day... i'm just kinda feeling like not really doing anything, although i might rent a movie later on. i always get kinda sad on sundays because i know i have to go to work the next day... i mean i like my job, but after 2 days off, another wouldn't be too bad. oh well, such is growing up.

i think i realized i'm getting a little too old to be going to concerts. seriously i don't know what it is, but both this concert and the jason mraz one, janna and i were like the oldest people there. i don't know if it's because we like starting artists, so by the time they catch on the whole high school crowd is there, or because we're just....getting older. it's crazy though, now i realize how YOUNG i was when i used to go to all those concerts in chicago. i actually understand my parents concern now about me riding the train back at midnight... we were so young... but felt so old. it's totally crazy how when you're a kid you have no concept of being an adult. like i seriously was annoyed and could not understand, in my wildest dreams, what the big deal was for me to ride a train downtown at night with my friends. haha. looking back, i'm totally freaked out by it, and glad we made it out safe. being a kid was great. i miss it sometimes. just sometimes though.

i do not feel 24. i will be 24 in less than a month. i do not feel that old. yikes.

time in the adult world really goes quick. i can not believe i've been at my job for almost 6 months. actually, it's 6 months on wednesday i think... crazy. and a YEAR since i graduated college? are you kidding me? fastest year of my life. literally! it went so fast.

i'm happy where i'm at though. i just don't want to get old. but i guess, that's sort of inevitable. sorry, this post is really weird. i'll stop before it gets weirder.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

four in the morning.

so it's four am. this is the first time i've been up at this time on a work night in a really long time. actually, maybe even the first time ever since i started my job. i don't know what my deal is. i went to sleep at 10, woke up at 3 and i can't stop thinking long enough to get back to sleep. i've been a little anxious all day. it happens sometimes. ugh.

the thing is, i have a really bad habit of freaking myself out about things i shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. and i have one of those minds, unfortunately, that once it gets going, does not stop. so here i am, 4 am, tossing and turning when i know very well i have to be up at 6:30 over things that i really need to quit thinking about.

i'm really freaked out about this whole youth thing being over. i guess i feel like i missed out on some stuff. like, i know i have great friends and family, and i had fun in school and all of that, but it scares me that you can't go back to being 16. i guess i have this image in my head of what being 16, and 17, 18, 19, 20, 21... is all about. and i just don't know if i did things right. i know that's a pointless thing to even spend time thinking about, but for whatever reason, i think about it a lot. and i tell myself "you can't go back." and i know all of that. but there is still something that i just feel like i messed up on.

when i was younger i feel like i never worried about anything. now, that may just be because the things i worried about seem stupid now, but seriously, now i'm worried about something ALL the time... i hate it. i wish i didn't think so hard. i really do. i seriously can not relax. it sucks.i'm way too hard on myself.

i wish i had a lot of answers about things. i'm scared one day i'm going to be old looking back on my life and wish i'd done things differently. i'm also scared i might never get old. i don't know. i have problems. i wish i had some more solutions.

sorry for such a depressing post. just needed to put all of this somewhere instead of tossing and turning... seriously, i felt like i was going insane. i feel a little better now. hopefully, tomorrow's a new day. hopefully, the next post is way more optimistic.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

statements of truth

i feel so disconnected from you these days that i feel like you could die and i wouldn't know in time. i wouldn't be on the list of people to call. but it still feels like yesterday, if that makes sense. time has gotten in the way.

i can not stand when people can not stand themselves to the point that it makes them rip others apart. i can see through these people. i can tell when their own insecurities make them evil and emotionally uncareful.

i read my old journals and realized that i've always been fragile and i've always been strong. both at the same time. they seem like two contradictory things to be, right? and maybe that's why i write. to untangle the two.

i think dying is the scariest thing in the world. i wish it didn't happen... to anybody.

i'm truthfully not jealous of anyones life--not anyone gorgeous, not anyone famous, not anyone rich, not anyone appearingly perfect. my life in it's own way, has been a challenge. it makes the good better, it makes the bad easier.

i enjoy life.
i'm glad to be here.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

life in slow motion

on the new david gray cd my favorite track is this one that just repeats itself. really, there are like 7 lines and it just repeats in different melodies that for some reason i just love. i don't know what it is. and i've been really confused by it so i've been trying to figure it out. see usually i like songs solely based on lyrical originality, so this is confusing to me why i like this song best... anyway... before i go on, the song is called "Slow Motion" and these are the words:

While I was watching you did a slow dissolve
While I was watching you did a slow dissolve
While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes
Did I imagine they held us hypnotized
Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes

Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real
Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real
Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real

Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands
Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands
Snowflakes are falling now you’re my long lost friend

seems pretty simple right...okay but nothing david gray writes is really simple! so i think i figured it
out today finally...not the song, but i think i figured out why i like it.

you know, in life, when something happens to you, and it's so impacting in some way, either because it's so incredible, or so perfect, or so sad, or just unbelievable, that life seems to sort of stand still for a minute? it's the kind of thing where you're like... "this could not be real. this could not be really happening. somebody, please, wake me up." well, that's what i think he means by life in slow motion. sometimes things seem to move a little slower and i think it's because we're trying to, to the best of our human ability, capture it and hold on to it, just a few moments longer. u know i have had a few of those moments, in fact, i kind of wish i'd had more. they're magical. but now i'm still not exactly sure what this song is about, but i did come up with that today in the car. haha, maybe i'm just crazy. but it is 1 am and i need to be up in 5 hours. so... goodnight.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

completely content

you ever have one of those moments when you just realize you're completely content with everything around you? i mean, everything, down to the music, your peripheral vision, your company, background noise, weather, the whole scenerio. i love that. when you just think for a second... life is really something else.

it can amaze me sometimes. how easy it is to get upset over petty little things when in fact there are times like that and you just kinda see your life in front of you and think "none of that really matters." strange how the smallest of things can and do feel so heavy sometimes. but life always goes on... and the little problems just seem to get littler with time.

i'm so unbelievably happy lately. i mean seriously, sincerely happy. i have somehow landed a great job with a great, understanding, and patient boss. i am finally back in my hometown, living at home... which a lot of people mind. i don't. for a couple of reasons. one, because i'm literally never here. i come home, eat dinner, talk online, and go to sleep to get up for work again. two, i really enjoy my room. and three, most importantly i think, i have seriously developed a friendship with my parents. they trust me, they let me do what i want to do, and they take care of me. it's really not all that bad. i mean, i lived on my own for 4.5 years, it's not all so bad to come home to someone who cooks you dinner... for the time being anyways.

in the back of my mind too, somber as this may sound, i kinda feel like why not live at home now... i mean my parents are getting older you know, and once i move out, i move out. why not spend another year in close quarters with them? why not hang on to youth a little longer? i guess i'm kind of scared to leave them... because in a way, that's it.

i mean i feel the whole independence thing, you know. i want to get out and be on my own. just not immediately. i feel like i have the rest of my life to do that, and if things are pretty good here and i'm saving a bunch of money, really, what's the rush? i enjoy naperville. i maybe do\n't love the hour - hour and a half drive to work - but i really enjoy my living situation.

aside from all of those things i have future goals to go to graduate school at loyola, which is an incredible deal in itself (because its free). i don't know when but i know i want it to happen, and that's enough for me. no need to rush things. i'm happy. really. i love my friends.i love that i've realized at age 23 who i'll know for the rest of my life, who the real friends are... i love my family. i love the people that i know, i love that i really have gotten to really know myself and understand who i am, and i really like my adult lifestyle. sounds silly maybe but i'm completley at peace in my surroundings...

it's not all so bad after college :)
i mean, i still miss our apartment, but 10 months after graduation i can say... i'm happy.

Monday, September 26, 2005

such is life

as usual i've found myself overwhelmed with emotions lately. i've always been emotional--and by that i don't mean the type that cries at movies. but i think too much.

i had a really good weekend. friends from out of town came in and really the best parts about it were when were were doing nothing at all. life's so strange that way. how many hours of my life have i spent making really extravagent plans and when do the best things happen? when you've planned nothing at all. when you're least expecting them to. i wonder why that is.

growing up isn't horrible except that you can't do what you want to all the time anymore. that freedom sort of leaves, like the spontaniaty of it is gone because you have a pretty set schedule. sometimes i think it would be nice to just pack a little bag of things and go, just go, and figure out your destination later. but those days really are gone.

i had a quote in my AIM profile for a long time about how everyone's always in such a hurry to grow up and then when you turn 23 and start working full time all you want to do is go back to the days where you can be young. it's so true. i remember never being "old enough." always wanting just a little bit more freedom, and now, looking back,. i'd give anything in the world to be nineteen again. but i suppose that's all part of the plan.

in any case, i know great people and i'm a lucky girl and this weekend really made me realize how much i enjoy and appreciate my life.

Monday, September 19, 2005


this weekend i had a little get together, a bbq with some cocktails... i pretty much invited everyone i stay in some sort of contact with. that contact varies. either we run into each other sometimes and say we should hang out more, or we talk every day, or we used to talk everyday. so, the turnout was interesting.

it was what would be considered a random mix to most people, because they were from all different parts of my life, but to me it was just really refreshing. to see who cared enough to show up. i know obligations happen and not everyone can be there, and i understand that. it's just really great to see a lot of people i sort of expected to not come, to come. and not just to come over, but to welcome my parents back and chat with them, bring cards and bottles of wine. i was looking out the window at one point and just noticing how polite everyone was being and i thought to myself... i know some really awesome people.

i woke up today and i just felt tired, but i felt good. like almost satisfied, i guess. everything just went so great. it's so interesting in life how things just work out. how a year ago the crowd at my house would have been a totally different crowd, but how i'm so very happy with the crowd that it was. i really enjoy my life, i really do. i think i'm extremely fortunate and i hope i do my part in giving back to all of these people that just by being them, make me so much more myself. if that makes any sense whatsoever.

thanks everybody for being a part of my life.
i know that's really deep and stuff, but i really mean it.
i'm who i am because i know all of you. and i love being able to be who i am without any falsities or insecurities. i have you all to thank for that. in the process of 23 years i think i've stumbled upon who are my real friends and my friends for life and i'm so incredibly happy with the turnout. love you all.

Monday, September 12, 2005


this weekend driving konah's car back from purdue, because my battery died, because i left the glove compartment open... i found myself beginning to really feel sorry for myself. we've all done it. the whole "my life couldn't be any worse." and then i took a moment to realize, wait, what am i talking about? i just had an amazing weekend with amazing friends--one of whom knew i needed to be home so bad that she didn't even hesitate to let me take her car home. what in the world is so bad about someone with that life?

i do it sometimes. i'll start to feel bad for myself. and convince myself i have it worse than everyone else... and i think it used to last, but now it's almost like i catch myself, like "shut up amy! you are damn lucky and you know it..." just a thought.

you know i miss school, but it's so different. i mean it's still fun, same familiar places, but for me it's missing a lot of familiar faces... it's just someone else's school now and i can respect that. i had 4 great years there. i'm glad someone else gets to too.

it's just sad how life changes. i know i've said that before. but i mean the way you picture your life 10 years ago is always different than it is... and that wouldn't be such a bad thing if we never lost people along the way, you know?

i've found though, and maybe i'll keep finding, but that if you do everything in your power to hold on to someone in life and they still resist, that you just have to kinda live through the memories. and it's sad. sometimes i'm not ready to give up yet... but it's just that you can't make somebody love you. you can't make somebody more like you, in that they care more, in that they try. you can't change people. so you give your all and make yourself someone good to be around, and you live your life. and that is all you can do... and maybe, just maybe, that's why we're here, and that's why life holds so many little surprises along our journey. to keep the faith that things are still possible.

Friday, September 09, 2005

it's my life

i've had one of those days today where i'm not completely myself... where i almost get ahead of myself and then it's like, wait, did that really just happen? but it did...
it's kinda crazy, i don't really think i have a temper, but i do get upset really easily sometimes. i wish i wasn't that way. i wish i could walk away from an argument and return to it later, clear-minded... i just wasn't built like that.

what i always think when i'm starting to get upset about something someone did or said to me though, is, once i've calmed down some i think... why do i care? why do i care what they think of me and what they say to me? this is my life! i have a lot of great people in it who love and care for me.. a lot that wouldn't say such things to me... so when someone does, why care?

i don't know, i guess i'm fragile. i think most everyone's fragile. it's really easy to get hurt because you have to perform every day, and no matter what happened the day before you have to hold your head high and your shoulders tall and live out the day. especially in the working world. it's strictly business when you're at work. they don't know your friends, they don't know your family. they know you have a job to do regardless of what on earth happened on your way to work... and that's hard sometimes. it's not like college where you can just skip a class and take a breather and talk it out with your friends. you have to walk tall, even if you feel small.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


there are a lot of people that i know that i wish would learn how to love people more.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


"Was trying to find me something but I wasn't sure just what
Funny how they say that some things never change"

seriously... i don't know what it is with me being in a car and having the windows down and the sunroof open, with music, that just moves me to this place where music hits me that much harder... but i was doing this last night...on the way home from the mall. and it was a perfect night, seventy and breezy, no humidity for miles...and something about the sky being visable while music is playing i guess, i don't know... anyway, this line particularly hit me and i thought - need to remember to write about that tomorrow. so here i am.

feels like i'm always searching, you know.. .and ryan pins it perfectly because i'm never sure what i'm looking for. so you wonder how you know when you'll find it. i don't even mean just like finding the person you want to marry either, but finding your place, your niche... all that good stuff. does it just set in one day... who knows.

oh my sweet carolina... what compels me to go...
oh my sweet disposition....may you one day carry me home

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


i know that the reason i wear my grandmother's perfume isn't because i like the smell...but because i didn't cry enough when she died. i know that i hold on to fictional nothings because i'm so entirely scared of being by myself forever. i know that the reason i stay up so late at night is because i can't accept that i'm not perfect. i know that there are a lot of things i probably should have let go of years ago that i still can't let go of. i know that i frame pictures so that i don't forget that people love me. i know that i will not be okay for a long time after my parents pass away. i know that in my life, i have certainly overreacted to some situations that i will never be humble enough to apologize for. i know that right now i think i've corrected myself but in ten years i'll think i was stupid right now. i think that when i get everything right, it will be too late to use it.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

moments that changed me

i've had this idea for the past few days, because i'm thinking about all these life altering moments that made me ultimately who i am today... and i figured, why not list them? why not put them down? so here goes nothing.

olive garden, 1990, dallas, texas. the table gets awkwardly silent all too quickly after my brother mutters the words, "so what if we do move to chicago?" and prior to this i had no idea. i thought that the rest of my 10-year old career would continue on good old 2028 robin hill lane, i thought i'd perfect my skills as a swimmer, grow old with my next door neighbor and childhood best friend jen. all of that changed at that very moment. my dad got a promotion...and we were moving to chicago.

woodstock illinois, 2000. it's our senior year logos retreat for my high school. the room is dark and i'm surrounded by about 50 of my graduating class peers whom prior to this trip, most were strangers. candles are lit up front and a voice starts to read a letter, "dear amy..." a letter from my dad exemplifying his pride in me, but even more measurable, his sadness to see me go. a letter that has, to this day, never left my mind even for an hour of the day.

rachelle's house, 2000. me and my best friends are sitting in a garage over bud light bottles and cigarette smoke. the following morning, anne was leaving for college. we'd spent the past days, weeks even, dreading this very moment, when the first person had to leave this town we'd all grown to know and love, and our lives would be forever different. we cried, we told, we exchanged sad sillent moments until the sun rose.

august 2000. my parents are dropping me off at college. we arrive early, bring up loads of things, meet my new roommate, and take a walk around the campus. i remember asking if i would ever know my way around there, and if purdue west was in walking distance (which it most certainly was). afterwards, we have dinner, and we pull up to merideth hall, my home for the next year. i knew i had to go in. mixed feelings--excitement for a new place, sadness for leaving the old one and my parents. i acted excited, but i was hiding something. i was scared. the last thing i said to them was "i can't wait to meet new people." complete lie. i hugged my parents goodbye, both of them crying, i fought my tears and put on a front of excitedness and happiness. i turned around and walking back i cried the hardest i've ever cried in my life. that whole night.

room 2-1 in the alpha gamma delta house, purdue university, 2003. my dad's been unemployed for a year and is starting to get down on himself some. i get a phone call while im sitting at my desk telling me he's accepted a job and my parents will be moving to california. i cried for 3 straight hours. not because i would be going, not because i would have to change schools, but because the house i grew up in was going to be someone else's and my parents were going to be 2000 miles away.

dining room, alpha gamma delta, january 2004. it's annual recruitment. but it's our senior year. for the past 3 years i've watched people sit on the stairs and cry with their pledge class, each year, understanding a little bit more about why. now it's our year. i read a letter that i wrote about the last 3 years of my life. prior to this, never realizing the importance. but the combination of expressing everything i felt about the past three years as well as being surrounded by what i knew to be my best friends, while waving goodbye to something so fulfilling and welcoming... well, it was hard.

december 2004. a short moment. sitting in the car with my dad while he's about to drive me back to purdue because i'd just been in a really serious car accident and no longer had a car. he expresses his concerns to me and actually uses the phrase, "you are my life." i can still hear how it sounds.

december 2004. picking up the last things i had in apartment 8 on 305 n salisbury. i had just graduated college. my roommates were all gone. we'd spent the last night drinking 25 cent beers, crying, and eating delivery mexican food and drinking boxed wine after the bars. we spent the last week knowing we had to go. i grabbed my bag, i headed for my car, looked one more time over the now empty apartment, seemed impossible it was over, shut the door, locked the door and headed on my way. i dropped off our apartment keys wtih tears in my eyes. got into my car and knew that the minute i ramped on to that highway 65 my life would be completely changed as i knew it. purdue would be completely changed as i knew it. this chapter was over. bittersweet cause though i knew my friendships with my roomates would last a lifetime, a sadness because our college lifestyle, our four years, was up. be continued.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

a different sort of survey

sorry. nothing to write about lately--at all. i guess that's good, it means nothings wrong. it's weird, sometimes my thoughts are turned on, sometimes completely off. anyways, found this fun blog today:

she had a survey on there and, for lack-of-posting-lately reasons, i decided to fill it out on here.

1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what’s the first thing you look at?
my hair also, to see if it's being normal for the day or not. and to see if a ponytail is necessary.

2.How much cash do you have on you?
six dollars

3.What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?
probably zest, like the soap

4.Favorite plants?
oh okay, i'm just learning about plants. just bought some calililies for my room. i have no idea if that is how you spell that. remember i'm just learning?

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
haha, the party planning lady for anne's bachelorette party. random.

6.What is your main ring tone on your phone?
i leave it on vibrate, but seriously cingular has the weirdest rings. i have to put it on "cingular tone" or whatever that one is called because everything else is SOOOO weird.

7.What shirt are you currently wearing?
a brown sleeveless one. and i brought a white jacket, even though it's auguest, because the a/c at work is usually around 60 degrees.

8.Do you “label” yourself?
no i don't think so. i really don't care. i'm me. i mean, i know what i am, i know what i'm not. but i don't specifically label myself.

9.Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
steve madden

10.Bright or Dark Room?
dark for sure. my eyes are getting older. i can tell.

11.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
well i really don't know them (got it off a random blog) but their answers are pretty fun.

12.Ever “spilled the beans”?
yeah, of course.

13.What were you doing at midnight last night?
sleeping. every night i try to watch letterman, and occasionally oprah (which replays at 11 in chicago) but i fell asleep on the couch last night. then i woke up and wandered to my room, probably around midnight actually. it's kind of creepy because i barely remember it.

14.What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"thanks for the great birthday surprise!" - chrsitine mattera (her birthday is 12/13)

15.Do you ever click on “Pop Ups” or Banners?
NO WAY. i get so mad at them.

16.What’s a saying that you say a lot?
"you love it."
"oh yeah!"
"worth it"

17.Who told you they loved you last?
my mom and dad last night.

18.Last furry thing you touched?
have to think about this. probably christine's cats.

19.How many hours a week do you work?

20.How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
i usually get them developed right away. i have some cameras that are like 1/2 used. but i guess those don't count.

21.Favorite age you have been so far?
ummm favorite age is probably like 19 or 20. i had some great years.

22.Your worst enemy?
i don't really know. there's some people i no longer respect, but i don't think i'd call them enemies.

23. What is your current desk top picture?
orange background with a white picture with cherries. really into fruit pictures lately. haha

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"i think i pulled a muscle in my back but i have no idea how."

25.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time to fix all of your mistakes, which would you pick?
a million dollars. i have mistakes, but nothing major that would be worth a million dollars to fix. plus i think a million dollars could fix my life a lot better right now than cleaning up my mistakes could. :)
so until i have some inspiration... there you go

Monday, July 25, 2005

high school, sort of

5 year high school reunion this weekend. i had a lot of fun. it was great to see familiar faces, people you have memories of but haven't seen in awhile... it felt the same. it was really, really great. i have to admit i was a little nervous showing up. i just didn't really know what to expect. i mean 5 years doesn't seem that long--but it is! there were people i even forgot about. it was just nice to see everyone doing well and catch up some. i'm really glad i went. it felt good.

that song i posted yesterday, i'm in love with it. i love the line that goes "i'm thinking about the city, it's living proof that people need to be together." what a cool line. i honestly wish i could come up with things like that. i love to write, but i can never come up with those two liners that just work. maybe someday i'll learn to write music. that would be a dream career for me.

my emotions have just been crazy lately! i've been so sentimental and so deep. more than usual. it's pretty weird. last night i had so much going on and i was thinking while trying to fall asleep--i need to write this stuff down! this is where i get my quality material, when my mind is just racing and i'm feeling everything so much more... but i was just too dang tired. and of course, i can't do it the next day. when the feeling hits, you just have to go for it. i wish i had.

anyway, really good weekend. so good to see everyone, and i'm so glad to see that everybody is happy. also, i think people have grown up a lot--including myself--and it's kind of nice to go back to high school, without going back to high school. reassuring, at least.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

i love these lyrics

i'm thinking about the city
it's living proof that people need to be together
i'm thinking about how i just want to open up
and give and give and give

and it's okay for you to care
cause i can feel you in the air.
while you wonder--how's this gonna end?
i only want it to begin.

i'm thinking about desire
i've had to learn how to sin successfully.
i'm thinking about bliss
and bliss is all dressed up
and there's no one to dance with

remembering a smile, and the nuclear bomb
and the reasons i loved her
i'm walking through central park
i'm in a foreign country and i'm waiting for a sign

and it's okay for you to care
cause i'm not going anywhere
and while you wonder if you should let me in
i only want it to begin.
-Ben Lee

Friday, July 22, 2005

i wish this was easy

if it takes my whole life
i won't break i won't bend
it will all be worth it
worth it in the end
cause i can only tell you what i know--
that i need you in my life.
-sarah mclachlan

how ironic that you only live once, and you can spend that whole once wondering about something that you could never find the strength to face up to.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

in absense

so i'm up late tonight, late being 11:30 these days, for the first time in a long time. and just as i laid down to let myself sleep i started thinking... and kept thinking. you know those nights? your mind just races and before you know it you're somewhere completely different than you started?

anyways, what i'm wondering tonight is if you just keep someone in your life because you don't know how to replace them... so you make the memories strong by reliving them... but would someone else be able to make you feel the same way as easily? or not? i mean, by reliving these so-called great moments or whatever, keeping this ghost alive, am i keeping myself from greater things? am i living in the past when i could be living in the present? have i built things up too much?

life's so strange. when something great happens to you, you want to keep it, right there in the palm of your hand--only, sometimes it gets away. and i've found that i've dealt with that strangely. instead of wanting something new, i want things the way that they were. i haven't really moved on. i live in the past, a lot. i relate to things that happened years ago like they were last week and it feels real because i've held on for so long. it's really bizarre. i got to wondering, am i just fooling myself? am i wasting my life by chasing something that is probably never going to happen?

somedays i wish i could just forget it all.
other days i know i'd be empty if i could forget it all.
but at least i wouldn't miss it this much.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

on being humble

every once in awhile i read back on things i wrote awhile ago, because it's interesting, i change the way i feel obviously so it's kinda fun to look back at myself, so to speak. but anyways, as i was looking back today i realized how i never capitalize least i try not to on here. and the reason for that is that awhile back i knew someone who would always sign emails with a lowercase letter. "amy" for example. and i always liked it because its so humble. there's something i like about not seeing "I," just having it blend in with the rest of the letters you know... it's not so forceful. it's not so "i'm right." it's humble, and simple, and for those reasons... i think it's great.

but i get caught sometimes between being a humble writer and a person with an english degree and in that place is where you'll find me capitalizing things and punctuating like crazy. but really, this is me. ha. maybe i went on too long about that. i don't know, i just really loved the simplicity of seeing someone write an entire email perfectly punctuated and capitalized and then just sigining it like -amy.

news: my parents bought a new house and we're going home. i'm so happy. it's not my old house, but it's what i know... and i'll have more room to be 23. it will be a great stepping stone until i move out, and i couldn't be happier for my parents. i heard them the other day say, "we're going home," and it just about broke my heart out of happiness. they've been through a lot these past few years, it's really rewarding to see them comfortable again. or at least, getting comfortable. they definitely deserve it.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

my blog title

you know what i was just realizing that i've never really explained my blog title. i know some people get it. but i also know some might not so here's whay i named it that... well there's this damien rice song i really like called Older Chests. And it's about a lot of things, but to me its about change for the most part. And it's just written really beautifully--as are most Damien Rice songs. But anyways, there's this line that goes...

Older chests reveal themselves like a crack in the wall, starting small, grow in time
And we all seem to need to help of someone else
To mend that shelf with too many books
Read me your favorite line.

And i just really like it for the title of a blog because essentially that's what writing does for me--mends that shelf when i have too many books on it. you know? in other words, it takes some pressure off. let's me have some release. so yeah, anyways... that's why i chose that title. :)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

my old website

i just found it. i totally for got about this one. this came before this blog... so it's over a year old. but some of it is still kinda fun.

always liked this line

"Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins
And there's no such thing as what might have been
That's a waste of time
Drive you out of your mind"
-Tim McGraw

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

i've been writing a lot more than usual... i'm not sure why. i think i've just had a lot going on mentally lately, but i really don't know what my deal is.

i guess it's natural that my opinions toward people and things are changing, right? i'm at a semi-new stage in my life and i'm always realizing things. i'm already noticing myself growing up to be so much like my parents, taking on their values and advice and stuff. i've found myself repeating things they've told me all my life. weird how that happens.

but i guess i've also been reassesssing...everything. the quality of people. the quality of their values. their purpose in my life. i don't know. i've been having my doubts. i get like this every once in awhile and i have to ask myself--is this good for me or bad for me? and i guess this healing process--as in my medication--is sort of helping me to realize what's helping me and what's hurting me. i finally feel like myself again, which is awesome. but i need to surround myself with positive people. i mean people that will make me feel confident you know? that i'm a good person. i just haven't felt like that lately! i don't know what the deal is. and i know i have some great, great, friends. that would do anything for me in the world... so yeah. i'm just going to have to figure all of that out.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


you know that restaurant on highway 1
with the key lime pie, that song, the sand, and the sun
where we ran in our barefeet
built a castle on the beach
just the wind, the rocks, the waves and you and me

i can't go there


i had a really good weekend. the baby shower went well, i think. all the work was worth it (i knew it was going to be) and i got to see some really great people that i don't get to see too much. all was well.

the anxiety and stuff has subsided, i think my medicine is working, except it's so gradual that you don't really feel anything, so it's kinda hard to tell. i feel better though, so that's great. i wish i had the courage to come to terms with this problem a year ago--it would have saved me a lot of worrying--but i guess it's better late than never.

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan
When something is broken
and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway you can

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
but I don’t know if I can
I know something is broken
and I’m trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway I can

i sometimes feel like no one ever takes me seriously, and part of that, i'm to blame for. i mean i joke around, a lot, i have a crazy personality, i know all of that. but the thing is, i'm still a person. i'm still really sensitive, i still get hurt. easily. it's like somewhere in the midst of being able to take a joke, you get trampled on hard. so where's the right balance? i'm not sure. and maybe it's me. i mean maybe i should take everything a little lighter, maybe i shouldn't be looking at everyone i know as the bad guy, but i'm not exactly sure i can help it.

i have my weaknesses. who doesn't?

just a realization i've come to recently. it kind of scares me, i look back in my old journals and stuff and i was the same way, always so worried no one took me seriously...always so worried about being so happy most of the time that people don't know you get hurt. so i've been this way my whole life? i guess i just feel like i should have outgrown it or something. like this shouldn't still be attacking me at this point in life... and like i said, maybe that's my fault.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

good one

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"
-Sex and the City

Friday, July 01, 2005

feelin' good

gosh i realized i've been writing in this thing a year. that's a long time, a really long time. i remember becuase i remember the fireworks last year with my parents and it was the first time we were "home" persay in awhile... sort of an emotional experience. anyways...

i'm feeling good. much better than my last post. i've been exercising every day, running and walking a couple of miles. it's amazing how healthy that makes you feel. i wish i would have discovered this sooner. i've also been eating healthier, working better, sleeping better. i just feel good.

so. fourth of july weekend. it's funny, i used to think of it as like an excuse to party and i didn't care whatsoever if we missed the fireworks and all that. but now all i do is go watch fireworks with my family. ha. i guess that's growing up. kinda strange how that happens. the office is closing early today, always a bonus.

i really like working in that it keeps ms busy and occupies my day, and provides me with some source of income. what i don't like about it is i have no energy to do anything else. i really need to work on sleeping more. that might change this situation.

anyway, no deep thoughts today.
just feeling good on a friday.
nothing wrong with that.

Monday, June 27, 2005

getting fixed

i've debated about writing about this on here for awhile but i guess i decided that it's my way of reaching out. besides i saw and realized that my problems are not so severe as i had once believed. but still, i have them.

i haven't been myself lately. i don't know how to explain that other than to say that i haven't been myself lately. it's subtle things, mostly the way i think, that people would never notice, but i actually think completely differently than i used to. i guess this has been going on for about a year. for a year, i didn't tell anyone. i would have panic attacks all the time, wake up in night terrors and a lot of other crazy things... but the thing is - because i haven't had this condition my whole life, i knew what it was like to be normal. that's the hard part about it all is that you know you're not right becuase you remember what it feels like to feel good.

anyway, the panic attacks got so bad that it was interfering with my work, my ability to fall asleep, my appetite, everything. i went to a doctor and got a perscription for xanax. it's hard to explain panic attacks to someone if you've never had one -- the best i can do is to say that you are absolutely positive you are dying. well, that happened to me a few too many times, and i decided to get some help. when this all started a year ago, i was under a lot of stress at the time i guess, and living in a stressful situation. as for why i was getting them now, i have no idea. some doctors have told me it can be genetic (and since i'm adopted i would have no idea about that), some doctors told me that it can be a result of a change in lifestyle. hey, i did just graduate college and move to working full time. but for some reason, i still don't think that's the case.

anyway, i went to a doctor since the first one was just an "urgent care" doctor and xanax was just a temporary solution. i'm now on my second day of taking lexapro, which is an anti-depressant anti-anxiety... and it won't be in full effect for a few weeks so i don't know if it's helping... yet.

what i do know is that i used to be sincerely happy in my mind. i knew the purpose of my life was to be a good person, to be a good friend, a hard worker, and to be a good daughter. eventually someday, to be a good wife, a good mother. now i don't really think like that. i question existence a lot, not my own, but just in general, human existance. the fact that we've made this world and we all just sort of abide by the rules but we don't really know what our ultimate purpose is here? that really freaks me out. and i know it's just like a chemical imbalance i have going on right now. i think i am going to get better. i really do. i think i'm going to get back to who i was. but i think a lot of the problem in my life is that i don't trust people and that causes me a ton of anxiety. i'm always paranoid people are talking about me or thinking bad things about me and stuff like that and i think it's somewhat realistic because unfortunately, that is what people do. they talk about other people. i've seen good friends talk about each other right in front of their faces. just makes you wonder if you can really trust anyone you know? i've thought about going to see a doctor like someone to talk to and all of that, but then i realized that i just need to help myself. i don't know if anyone else can help me.

i'm trying to get better. i don't think i have it too bad after all of the things i've seen and heard in this world. the weirdest part about it though is that i know that i'm lucky. i know that i grew up in a nice town in a nice house with parents who love me and i have a lot of great friends, really great friends, it's not that. that's not the problem. i know i am lucky. i know i have a good life and i know i am fortunate. but for whatever reason, that doesn't make me happy. i just think that i used to be really optimistic and now i have way more of a guard up. i'm so careful who i let in and all of that now because i'm serious when i say that i don't completely trust anyone. i know that's not normal. i am trying to work on it.

but now i wonder if all along i've been this way and just never known any different? i mean i can remember i used to feel happy. but now i act happy. it's totally different. i'm not sure how long i've been acting. but i want to be better. and i'm trying to be better. and i'm not posting this for attention or anything like that, i guess i just needed somewhere to sort my thoughts. i seriously don't want sympathy. i just want to get better, and i know i have to do that on my own.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

my allison!

Congratulations to Allison Mark and Tyler Mayer on their engagement.
You guys make a great pair. I'm happy for you both. :)

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

here's to anne

you ever know somebody that just feels like home to you?
someone that you can just let that game of pretend go with and let your guard down and
just be... you?

that comfort that somebody knows you so well and still loves you is like a drug. like this perfect utopia, that in this hectic day and age and lifestyle, you can let loose and just be... because that is the way that they like you.

now the term best friend. that's a term i use, but sort of hate. because it reminds me back to the middle school days of "whos your best friend" and all of that business. but okay, some people just meet and they just connect and from the beginning they just know that they crossed paths for a reason. that their adventure has just begun. that they are going to know each other awhile.

i met my best friend when i was a freshman in high school. it's kinda crazy, we met through a mutual friend, but within a week we were completing each others sentences. it was the sort of thing where you think you share a mind. we had a lot of good years. went to different colleges. had a lot of good times in between those years.

and now she's getting married and moving away. i'm so happy for her - but at the same time - i'm so sad to lose her, does that make sense? it's strange that this time is over you know, being young and single, hanging out and singing in the car, going to bars, no responsibilities, no worries, just youth... it's like i'm losing a little part of me, but i'm so happy for her husband and her because they are both gaining so much.

i don't want to sound selfish, it just saddens me a little. a chapter's over, you know? it's like leaving for college again except this time, for life... and i've never had a friend who made me feel so confident, so sure of myself, so worthwhile... and left feeling like i've owed her nothing. she is one of the strongest people i have ever met in my life and she is a huge part of the person that i am. i'm sad to see her go, even though, i know i'm not losing her.

today we walked away from a restaurant, like we've done a million times you know and she's like "i'll see you before i leave right?" and before that i was okay... but then i got in my car and im thinking gosh from now on it's going to be "we're coming to visit" and "do you want to meet us somewhere" and not that that's a bad thing, it's just that when you've spent 10 years knowing someone since we were dumb kids, it's kinda hard to believe.

but in any case, here's to anne. for the best of years, now and then.
i know she will never read this (without someone elses recommendation)
but in any case - thanks for how much you've helped me grow, how much you've taught me, and how much you mean to me.

Monday, May 30, 2005


this is my first drunk blog. im doing it for a few reasons: 1,. because its funny 2. because i can't punctuate correctly and 3. no matter how drunk i am i can somehow pass this test of perfect typing and spelling

its all an act!!

but in all seriousness i probably have a lot more indepth things to say, and i could bitch a lot about tonight, or last night, or rave about either, but the fact of the matter is, thats stupid sooooooooooooo moral of the story is im drunk and im posting, and i'd be willing to admit i was a good time tonight!

ill leave it at that
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

life is beautiful

You plant a rose
And if the rose comes up
You're thankful to God
And when it doesn't you cuss him
You raise a child
And when the child grows up
You got to learn to let go
If you can't learn to love him
But, oh, what a beautiful thing when you sing
Hear all them bells ringing out in the street
Hammer strikes the metal and it makes me believe'
Cause if I don't believe in love
Then I don't believe in you
And I do

Now I'm not saying only bad news comes
For the people who want it
But you gotta play that music for who's listening
You got to have someone you wanna sing it to
Oh, what a beautiful thing when you sing
Hear all them bells ringing out in the street
lue sky cracking and it makes me believe
Oh, hear all them bells ringing out in the street
Hammer strikes the metal and it makes me believe'
Cause if I don't believe in love
Then I don't believe in you
And I do

Close my eyes, see the glorious sunset
Through the windows of a store and I want it
Anyway, if I ever felt haunted
You were there for me
These angry people who are waiting to judge you
Have their own judgment that they'll have live up to
Open your mouth
And if nothing come through

You're the one that sings
And it's a gift
And life's a beautiful thing
Oh, don't waste it doll