the way i see it

it's been awhile, i know! my writing has lacked inspiration lately, i suppose, and i really attribute that to the fact that things have been exceptionally well in my life lately. i read my christmas blog from last year the other day, and i realized how much i need to start writing again. i love that i have moments documented, so i need to keep that up.

So what's new? well... the best thing is that dean came back into my life. i mean he was always in it, but he came back completely. we spent a day together back in october, and we had so much fun. it was more natural than i can explain. i was watching sleepless in seattle the other night and they kept talking about how they felt "magic." and thats how they knew. i can honestly say i felt that. sounds cheesy, i know, but we talked all night, and finally, it felt like home.

i've been scared to trust boys since my last incident. in fact, for awhile i thought i wanted to pursue my education and my career and not even worry about any of that other stuff for awhile. but my opinion has changed.

we click. thats the best way to explain it. we just absolutely click. it's to the point that i can predict what he says sometimes, and vice versa. and we just get each other. i don't know if i've ever had that with someone as much as i have it with him.

i feel weird publically posting this, i guess. but a lot of people don't check my blog and i always need to write things down... so, either way, this is how i work. i like to remember great moments... so, if that takes writing them down, so be it.

i always think about my grandma lanie (dad's mom). she was on her death bed, literally, so out of it and she said to me "i want you to have my diaries, and i want you to be a writer. never give that up." and i don't want to. for her, and for me.

anyways, dean came back a month later to visit me. it meant the world to me that he came, and not only that, but we spent 5 days together that just felt so normal. and beyond normal even. natural. we had so much fun together, and we really didn't do much at all... if it makes sense, doing nothing at all and having fun seems so much more impressionable than doing a lot and not feeling anything. i loved our time together. it was great.

he is coming back to visit me over the new year, and i can't think of a better way to bring in the new year. it's been a little bit of a rough year for me: heartbreaks, losing my job, being completely stressed by having no freetime for awhile... i can't think of any better way to start the new year with someone i sincerely care about.

really, i believe in fate. it sounds a little generic, i guess. life is crazy though. i mean, we've known each other forever, and neither of us would have predicted that this would happen... but it's really changing my life. actually, it's turned my perspective on things upside down. i used to be one of those independent girls that thought, i'll be fine on my own, etc. but, you meet someone and that changes in you... and if it's not forever, well, okay. but right now i can honestly say it feels like forever. i'm a very happy girl.

i told him he makes me feel like the only girl in the room. and thats so true. and i guess that's all i ever really wanted. i don't need to be the center of attention. in fact i don't WANT to be the center of attention. but i love that i'm his center of attention, if that makes sense. the best thing about it is that everything about us just feels like home. like sitting at my parents house at christmas. that kind of home. let loose in your pajamas kind of home. so, anyways, enough lovey dovey talk :) . but, i'm incredibly lucky that i met someone that adores me as much as i adore him.

i think it's going to be a great year.
:)

merry christmas, everyone.

finding my "niche"

so over the past 3 weeks i've done a lot, and i mean a LOT of thinking. it started off with sending out hundreds of resumes, and getting frustrated with phone calls of BS job/interview offers, getting my hopes up for a career that sounds perfect and not hearing back, etc.

and then one night i was sitting in class and i realized something... how much i love class. how much i have loved my classes since i started my program at loyola, and how much more i looked forward to school than work. i've always loved school, but i mean, i leave these classes thinking about them for days. they inspire me.

and then in my marketing class we had a guest speaker--and she was an entrepreneur, that (get this) made chocolates from natural ingredients inspired by her world travels. it's this totally crazy concept, but i'm sitting here looking at this girl who is like 30, and completely successful because she followed her heart and didn't care what everyone else defined "success" as and just totally went on a limb and followed her heart. she started making chocolates in her apartment, and now charges $40.00 a box. i'm not saying i want to make chocolates... but

i've made the decision to go to school full time. i think it's what makes me truly happy, and i think until i graduate i'll be accepting jobs that i just think are "okay." and i think i deserve more than that. i've learned about working in the real world, dealing with difficult people, and falling asleep at my desk because i just didn't love what i was doing anymore. i'm done with that. i want to love my job, and i want to love it as soon as possible.

i'm going to nanny full time to pay for my apartment (and my life) and go to school 4 nights a week. i signed up for my classes this week. of course this was a little easier to decide when my classes were paid for, but student loans aren't the end of the world. education is an investment. it's not like i'm buying a porsche. :)

i'm happy with my decision, and i'm really kinda following my heart without thinking too hard about it. hopefully, that turns out to be the right decision.

the best part about it is, i really got out of the rut i was in. i spent about a week feeling bad for myself after i lost my job, and i guess a little ashamed... and one day i was on my way to class and i just thought "this is what makes me happy, productivity. and you know what isn't productive? feeling sorry for yourself." so, i quit that right then and there. and i made myself busy, updating resumes, spending time reading, taking up more babysitting opportunites, and hanging out with my friends.

and ever since then, i've kinda slowly figured things out. i'm excited for this next quarter, i think i'm going to be very happy with my decision, i really do... wish me luck :)

a boring update

A lot has happened for me. It took me awhile to admit it, I guess. I lost my job a few weeks ago. Rough at first, I guess, but in hindsight, I was so unhappy there and I wasn't myself. "You are not defined be your job." That is what my dad says. I am not sure if he's just being a dad or not, but it's comforting regardless.
I have to admit I've enjoyed the solo time. I love Chicago. I love my apartment. I wouldn't change a thing. I really believe I will find a job that I truly love and I'm still confident everything happens for a reason. Anyways, just a brief update. :)

"i haven't seen the sun for weeks,
too long, too far from home.i
feel just like i'm sinking.
and i claw for solid ground.
pulled down by the undertoe.
never thought i could feel so low.
oh darkness i feel like letting go.
follow the strength and all the courage
come and lift me from this place."

renewed my lease!

well... i have absolutely learned to love chicago. it's been almost a year since i've been down here. the only reason i know is because i renewed my lease, seriously. i feel like it was just yesterday i moved down here.

everytime i get upset about paying my rent i think about the times i walk home and it's just me and the city lights. and i realize this is where i am meant to be, right here, right now.

i have been through a lot of changes. almost all good changes. and even the bad--turned out to be good. life really does always go on.

i'm so happy with where i am right now and i have so many people to thank for that. i'm so thankful to god for teaching me independence, i'm so thankful to my parents for believing in me no matter what, and i'm so incredibly thankful to my friends for helping me through any tough time i've come across. or even a happy time--acknowledging that. seriously, i know i don't say it enough but i hope that you all know what you mean to me. this has been one of the best years of my life, and i could not have done it without any of you.

much love.

blast from the past

found an old journal in a drawer tonight. and i found an old entry, well, a few old entries, that i just want to make sure "stick around." i used to believe in writing by hand instead of typing, since computers are not necessarily reliable, and i think there's something to say about things that are handwritten. but i've changed my mind about all that. maybe it's caving in to technology, i don't know what to call it. either way, here's some entries from 2004. oh and by the way, the outside of this journal says "do one thing everyday that scares you. -eleanor roosevelt."

2.4.04

do one thing everyday that scares you--interesting concept huh? i bet that you do anyways, but probably not on purpose. i don't know, i think it's a neat little way to remind yourself to live fully, daily. that's why i picked this book up. it just caught me.

one thing i've learned very recently--and i think it's only because i am actually growing up--but how important it is to surround yourself with people whose lifestyles you respect.

people feed off each other unintentionally.
happens all of the time.

it's also so weird how some people just stick with you. like effortlessly. you'll be friends your entire life. you just, for whatever reason, understand each other.

i guess no one can take that away. life is crazy like that. some things never falter.
__

2.4.04 (separate entry)

wouldn't it be amazing if it were acceptable for people to just let go of inhibitions and tell each other how we feel about them?

it sucks how we're all so scared all of the time.

sure, you'd get some bad stuff. wouldn't the good stuff be worth it though?

twenty people could love me right now and be too scared to speak up. yeah right... but

i think abut how many people i've never told, and the possible things that may have happened if i did. they may not have, but they may have.

and well, there's a lot of room to wonder how much we don't know.

in a way, what a waste... wow.
___

2.4.04 (l0ve this one, gotta love college)

what is the point of me knowing about linguistics? i want to wite--BUT NOT WRITE A DICTIONARY.

i'm ditching class today--target instead. linguistics is a lot harder to learn about... but Target is a lot more fun.

__

2.5.o5

isn't it sad how you can spend all night or day building thoughts on something--trying to figure it all out... and meanwhile the person/thing you're thinking about could be on the other side of the world--livin' life and havin' fun... with no idea how much you are trying to understand.

it's good to care about everything--but sometimes it's hard.

__

2.10.04 (i stopped after this for some reason)

i realized in class today that i have a passion for what i'm going to do with my life. it really gets to me when people are close-minded about their interests as opposted to other people's because people are SO diffeent. i may not be a math major, or a prelaw major and maybe math people and lawyers are viewed as successful... but to be honest, i could care less about being viewed as successful. i want to be viewed as myself.

i've just heard comments on that sort of thinglately. my parents never pressured me toward success--but always told me to follow my heart.

senior year in college, in english 515, i find out that not only were they right...
i listened to them.

more than a teacher

So I finished up my last class of the quarter... And I was taking my final tonight... 15 multiple choice, 15 true/false, 8 short answer, 2 essays... and then the following paragraph at the bottom of our test:
"Hey I really enjoyed you guys. Thanks. You started off so quiet and ended up so talkative. There's always variations between classes but this is the first time I've seen one within the class. Hold on to your enthusiasm--it's an asset. Hope this class and your program is useful to you now and later in life. Never hesitate to call if you have a question--Just because I'm not your teacher next quarter doesn't mean I'm not a friend. Prof. Smith."

I had tears in my eyes. I love when teachers are more than just teachers. It's so rewarding to know they think highly of you (similar to the way you think highly of them). I was just telling my dad last night how school is such a collaborative thing. It comes from the class just as much as it comes from the teacher... I love the feeling of being finished with a class, but it's bittersweet too because I almost feel like after 3 months of spending 3 hours on Thursday nights in this classroom that it's part of my life... and I have somewhat of a relationship with my class.

I was leaving and I turned in my exam and my professor whispered to me "Good luck." And I don't know, it just made me sad. Like for some reason that I'd never see him again, probably, but he taught me so much and I respected him so much. At the same time, it's a good feeling to hand in that final and know you are done. :)

Anyways, heres to being half done with my masters!

amazing

These moments of inspiration, for want of a better word, are moments of transparency really. The thing that gets in the way of our lives, not let alone in creativity, most of the time is our brain, which steps in as sort of an editor from what we’re seeing and receiving from our senses. And adds sort of consciousness to it. And we become aware, and it obstructs our progress in sort of spiritual ways. So, theres a spiritual element to making music.

When inspiration comes, you’ve somehow disengaged your consciousness just a touch. The flow of images comes, and it comes so quickly and so freshly that you know it’s just a transperncy really. You’ve managed to remove the barrier, and you’re just reaching straight in to the good stuff. Then all you’re using your brain to do is as the process plays itself out, you arrange, like a collage, oh that image would be better there… or maybe I could use that in the chorus. And you start to just swipe in to the process enough, to know that when these things come out fully formed, you’re less involved in a sense. And it’s only afterwards people make up how wonderful they are, and their ego tells them how great it is that they’ve written these things. Really, the act of writing good music is to get rid of all that, to get away from ego, and just touch the purity of things and see them for what they are. It’s a fantastic feeling.

It’s similar to what happens when you connect with a song in front of a crowd, but different, much more crowded. In a way, it’s much more intense, but quieter.

i love david gray.

David Gray...
"Following White Ladder, and in it's infancy, White Ladder took so long to break everywhere. We released it in 1998, which is a shocking fact. I mean we were still touring it in the summer of 2001. Three years. So I very much missed a beat, creatively I think. Although what I got in return was an utterly changed world in terms of my career and my sort of prospects as a recording artist. But there was certainly a price to pay. Very early on in 1990 when we cut Lost Songs, when it came to the followup, the world had changed into the latent psychology that kicks in after the success, It's like you've all been drinking the champagne, thinking an I believe that I'm here? What seems to be sitting on top of the world, or Radio City, or wherever you happen to be. And the next thing is making another record. Obviously things changed in my life.

My dad died during this last bit of touring we did. And that really sort of knocked my success. And it was almost like there was some sort of trade off. Here's success, but we'll take your dad. That was very much the emotional tone. The writing that came next was very raw and sincere. And that doesn't mean that the songs that I wrote were any good. Just that it was very real.
So it's sort of a prevailing mood. Very downbeat from what I was writing. Which was hardly the sort of follow up to a sort of pop smash, that you might have wished for. But it's just what came out."

life, good friends, counting crows, and moving on

so, since the last post my life has managed to get even more insane. i don't know what is happening seriously, or how to get ahold of it. i guess just one step at a time. regardless....

friday-i went to iss' jordan and lisa's after work in an attempt to get my mind off stuff. we went to dinner and sat outside (it was so pretty out, and actually for once you could see stars in chicago. so maybe it was only like 4, but still)... then i went out with lisa to meet some of her friends for a bit and chat about life and then we decided to call it a night. so we went back to their place, and as i'm on the way back to my apartment listening to music and seriously starving for my bed, danielle calls me and says "hey, dave and i are sitting outside at this great place with great music... come!" and it just sounded good enough to turn around my car in the parking garage and take a cab over to bucktown.

so, an hour in bucktown turns into several hours of me and danielle talking... until the sun comes up. it's weird how time passes so quick when you get into things and you're hearing sound advice from a really good friend. i was volunteering early in the morning for chicago cares and painting chicago public schools, but sleep just didn't seem important at the time. i still think i made the right decision.

it gets to be around 5 am and neither of us are tired. danielle told me she'd volunteer with me and she had clothes for us to wear that can get paint on them, so this is sounding perfect. we made the decision to not go to sleep. instead around 6:30 we went to my place, made coffee, and headed to serveathon.... which, tired as we were, was awesome.

it's just so nice to know you did something so amazing with your day. seriously, put a bunch of hands together and split them up across the city and change these schools for kids that really don't know much else. as much as it seemed so easy for us, we left that school a different place. those kids are going to have a totally different and more positive learning environment... so rewarding. what else would i be doing on a saturday afternoon? maybe sleeping? shopping? watching a movie? this was time well spent.

so after the serveathon we were celebrating father's day at my parents house by having a barbeque... so i got home and as much as i wanted to go to bed i got in the car and drove home. well, i get to naperville and i'm turning right on ogden to head to my parents house and i get in a fender bender... Great. we pull over, exchange insurance, cop comes, blah blah blah. everythings fine and i get a ticket. i told the cop how i was going to celebrate an early fathers day at my parents, he tells me he hopes my night gets better, and i'm on my way.

i'm at my parents house maybe fifteen minutes when the doorbell rings. i hear someone ask for me and i'm confused like "who knows i'm even at home? who really even lives in naperville anymore?" and i look and it's the cop. haha. he tells me he has more news for me. apparently i was supposed to get my vehicle emissions test for illinois by last wednesday (which i did not know because the notices go to my parents' house). so they suspended my license? so the cop told me he can't justify arresting me when i have a car that will pass and it was a misunderstanding, but he has to write me a second ticket (which will go away-- once i go take care of some things). so that was interesting. my aunt and uncle were over, and my neighbors (whom i've never met) saw the cop in the driveway. awesome.

meanwhile, as i'm getting this accident stuff sorted out i call my parents and tell them what's going on and to go ahead and eat. my dad tells me "well i just told chip (my brother) so i guess i should tell you too... i got fired on friday." needless to say i'm shocked, sad for him, list goes on and on. but i'm also trying to file an accident report. we'd talk about it when i got home.

i get home, open the garage door with my opener only to find that only my mom's sebring is in the garage, but parked right in the middle. this isn't a normal move for my parents. their cars are almost always perfectly strategically parked on their side with just enough room to get out. immediately i'm like "oh my god, they already took the car?" i mean, it was a company car, but come on. it's a car. give a guy some notice. apparently they let him go friday, and had some kid drive him home. needless to say he's shattered. and i can tell. but he won't let on that he is. always trying to be a good example. always trying to tell me that "life goes on..." even when it doesn't seem like it's going to. and i'm here, feeling sorry for myself and almost wanting to walk in the door to my parents house and tell them how unfair life is and cry about all of my problems--because that's just the sort of thing you can do at home--and i look at my dad and i know that my problems are nothing compared to his. and so i immediately became the quiet listener at the party i thought i was going to be the "downer" at.

so this morning my car passed vehicle emissions. haha. i can legally drive again. my parents tried to talk me into staying at the house a few more days, but i told them that this is just something i need to handle and that i can't just run away to mom and dad's for a few days and hope the world's a better place when i return. i have this whole independent thing going on. i'm 25, i have to handle this. i can't expect to just be able to run home every time something hurts. and it's true. but the offer's still on the table, which of course, is comforting. and home's 40 miles away, which too, is comforting. beyond words. because as much as i'm fighting needing it, it's there if i do.

i rediscovered my old cd's this morning. and i guess they're not really that old. i don't know, when i got an ipod (2004) i kind of stopped listening to cd's. it started because i was listening solely to my ipod, then i started to only use itunes, so i'd burn cd's all the time... anyways, i listen to music mostly in the car and i stopped carrying them around. well the other morning i brought them along. and it's been really fun. first i listened to Train - My Private Nation the whole way through. knock them if you want, this is an awesome cd. then i had Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come to Fear the Most in for about a solid week. a very vengeful cd. but so powerful too. the lyrics are amazing, and the beat was just right for last week.

this morning in our hours of errands i put in some new dave matthews (the solo album, and stand up) and spent a good hour with counting crows - august and everything after. GREAT cd. seriously, every track is meaningful and it's the perfect mix of slow and fast. i could go on and on. adam duritz is an incredible writer. i used to keep up a lot more with his blog (he writes all of the time) but i guess i've sort of let that go. until i saw a bulliten that he posted today.

and i swear to god, this happens to me all of the time, but i find something to read that i completely adhere to at the time in my life it happens. like where if it came a week later or a week before i wouldn't feel nearly the amount of appreciation for it that i do when i find it. that's how i felt about this journal entry. that's how i felt about reading Eat Pray Love. and it even sometimes happens with songs. it's a great thing. a great coincidence.

anyways, the things i loved to read this morning from his blog are worth noting.

"I guess you have to make hard choices all the time. Sometimes these dreams you hold on to are just fool's errands you're using to avoid making the hard decisions about other areas of your life. And sometimes the compromises you make are just ways of giving up on your dreams. I used to think I was holding on to rock and roll because I couldn't face dealing with what my life would be like without it. Now it seems like I was just being brave and sticking it out (and I emphasize the word "seems"), but maybe that's just an accident of fate. If we hadn't been successful, maybe I'd just "seem" like one more deadbeat musician right now, someone you're mother wouldn't want you to bring home...as opposed, I suppose (god, that sounds like Dr. Suess), to the dreadlocked musician I am now, who by the way, your mom still don't want you bringing into HER house. "

and the second part:

"The longer your life goes on, the harder the decisions become. Inevitably at some point you're asked to give up something you love for something you love. So, sure, you hope you make the right choice, but there's nothing wrong with giving up something you love for something you love. I mean if you're not willing to sacrifice for the things you love, what kind of as person are you?" --Adam Duritz, Counting Crows

so yeah, anyways... i realize this is probably the longest myspace blog ever. sorry that my life has been that insane. but the good thing is: i came to a realization today, that took me awhile to come to.

that everything i'm going through right now, they're just things. just obstacles. they aren't the end of the world. they seem like it sometimes, but hasn't everything? i remember college graduation seemed like the end of the world. so did high school. so did EIGHTH GRADE. so did moving. the list goes on and on. and so does life.

someone said to me this weekend in regards to their own life something that just rang so true in mine too... "you have to remember that there is a plan. and whatever happens, it happens because it's right. even if it doesn't seem so at the time. trust me, there is a plan."

that is so hard to believe sometimes, but looking back on 25 years i couldn't agree more. i'm in a good spot for the most part, there are things i have to sort out. but who doesn't have things they have to sort out? this too shall pass.

robert frost said that he could sum up what he knows about life in three words, "it goes on." and that it does. and i will be fine.

trust

i'm at work. my mind is everywhere but work. time to write.

the past couple of days have been kind of hard for me. i've been on somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster and i'm trying to sort out my life. i don't know if i'm doing a good job, or not. and i don't know what to do about that either.

it's like i'm, for once in my life, at a loss for words.

in the past few months i've learned a lot about trust. i think it takes me a long time to trust people 100%. but i think i'm pretty trusting as a general rule. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. i like to hope that they have good things to offer me, and aren't going to let me down. sometimes that comes back to haunt me. i don't know if it's just because people think they can take advantage of that, or because people are just people and unfortunately a lot of times, just don't care. but it sucks to be let down by someone you really care about, and even more than that, someone you really trusted.

it's a long recovery process to build yourself back up. that's the hardest part. especially if you're like me. i blame myself for everything. even for things that i know aren't my fault in the least. i can always find some way to tell myself that i'm responsible. i should've done this. i should've said that. i should have followed my instinct.

and a lot of times i fight my gut instinct because i want it to be wrong. i'll have a feeling about something and i won't let it take over me. play it by ear. let things unfold. it's never actually a good idea. your gut instinct is usually right on.

i guess my conclusion is that if people care about you, sincerely care about you, they won't hurt you. and in fact, will do everything in their own personal power to ensure that they don't hurt you. it doesn't happen by accident. if you care about someone, you know your boundaries and i know from being a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a girlfriend at different periods of my life that this is just the unwritten rule. you just don't hurt people you care about. period.

so now where do i stand? in an awkward place. i'm not really sure what to do from here. sometimes when i'm really hurt i feel like running away... just seriously packing up everything i have and getting out of chicago. but then i usually remember everything i have here. sometimes i just want to sleep for a week straight and wake up and hope that the world became a kinder place while i was sleeping. sometimes i get a quick impulse that i want revenge, i want to "get people back." that's usually short-lived though because i don't think there's a point in all of that. and eventually what happens is that i realize that i just need to do my best to wait it out. wait for the calm after the storm. it makes days seem like weeks sometimes and weeks seem like months, but it always works. time heals all things.

lyrics...

My favorite thing lately is just relaxing with wine and listening to itunes on random... And just taking in the lyrics. So tonight I decided that as they hit me, I'm going to write them out. Partially self-healing, I guess. Partially just some music appreciation that I never take the time to write down... and it's the best when it's at random. Songs I forget about that hit me, for whatever reason. There isn't a song in the world that I like that's meaningless... I realized this when I was at Courtney's wedding this weekend, and I heard the most beautiful Father Daughter song I've ever heard. And I thought--why don't I keep track of these things anymore (beyond mentally)...So... here they are... Strong words. Sorry, this is going to be a long post. I'm in a music mood :)

"you know that restaurant on highway one
with the key lime pie, that song, that sand and the sun
where we ran in our barefeet, built a castle on the beach
just the wind, the rocks, the waves, and you and me
I can't go there.
cause that's just too much us.
i can't go there.
i still feel your touch
there's places in my heart and head that feel as empty as our bed
so most nights I don't even walk upstairs
Cause I can't go there..." -Kenny Chesney

"so if it's gotta be you
treat her nice... hold her hand
and tell her twice--that she doesn't have to worry
and it will be alright
See her smiling at him,
that used to be me
and I could find her in a thunderstorm, just by the way that the rain would fall.
And we used to be something
but something happened to me.
oh my god when i was free...
it's a hard way to fall. it's an easy way down.
it's a hard thing to love anyone, anyhow." -Ryan Adams

"i'm lonely, i'm insecure
i'm also guilty and i'm pure
i'm always, i will not stop, i'll hit the ground before the top
i wanna see the color of your skin, so bright
but all i have are photographs of black and white
don't stop loving me tonight
i'll never say forever
i don't believe in things that last
i want to.
can't see through the calm the haze the emptiness
i wanna be the ground when you can't stand
but all i have are letters i won't send
don't stop loving me again" -Blu Sanders

"this new rhythm i pursue
is just my getting over you... telling myself that i need to.
the days are better, the nights are still so lonely." -Train

"the smell of your skin, the taste of your kiss
the way you whisper in the dark
your hair all around me... baby you surround me
and touch every place in my heart.
oh it feels like the first time everytime
i wanna spend the whole night in your eyes." -Lonestar

"i may take a holiday in spain
leave my wings behind me
drink my worries down the drain
fly away to somewhere new..." -Counting Crows

"tell me did you sail across the sun
did you make it to the milky way to see the lights are faded
that heaven is overrated
tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
one without a permanent scar
and then you miss me while
you were looking for yourself out there..." -Train

"there was pain, sunny days and rain
i knew you'd feel the same things
everybody knows... it sucks to grow up
and everybody does.. its so weird to be back here.
let me tell you what--the years go on and we're still fighting it
we're still fighting it
you'll try, and try, and one day you'll fly away from me." -Ben Folds

"i know you're here to catch your breath
but i'm not listening for the right words anymore... i'll take what's left
you're viscious like the blue sky
right before the rain comes pouring through
tell me does he look like me at all?
cause there are an awful lot like you." -Matt Nathanson

"someday i'm gonna run across your mind
but don't worry i'll be fine, i'm gonna be alright
while you're sleeping with your pride, wishing i could hold you tight
i'll be over you and on with my life.
take your records take your freedom, take your memories
i don't need them." -Keith Urban

"i spent days stupid nailed to your floor
and i spent nights pushed against you just trying to keep warm
but you don't know me at all.
show me where the sun comes through the sky
i'll show you where rain gets in and i'll show you hurricanes
the way that summer fades underneath the weight of it all." -Matt Nathanson

"oh here the night it comes again
it's off with the jeans, jacket, and the skirt...
how'd i'd end up feeling so bad with such a little girl
i'll hold you close in the back of my mind
feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt
i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now." -Ryan Adams

"a million to one, outside this
nightblindness--can't see
your bright eyes are what the time is
twenty five past eternity." -David Gray

"i don't think that i could take another empty moment
i don't think that i could fake another hollow smile
well its just not enough just to be lonely
i don't think that i could take another talk about it.
just like me, you've got needs and they're only a whisper away
and we softly surrender to these lives that we've tendered away." -Matchbox 20

"I know there's little use in crying, it's more wide awake and dying
than I'm used to.
I thought we'd walk these streets together
and now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you.
Step aside from all this anger, somewhere in between
I can feel you." -Howie Day

"Stay away from me, I'll be gone soon
it's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
it's nothing that you've done.
You're not the only one. " -Matt Wertz

"our minds pressed and guard while our flesh disregarded the lack of space
for the lighter hearted and the boom that beats our drum
and i know i make you cry
and i know sometimes you wanna die
but do you really feel alive without me" -Damien Rice

"these train conversations passing me by,
and i don't have nothing to say.
you get what you pay for... but i just had no intention of living this way.
i need a phone call
i need a plane ride
i need a sunburn
i need a raincoat
and i get no answers.... and i don't get no change.
it's raining in baltimore baby, but everything else is the same.
there's things i'll remember
there's things i'll forget.
i miss you, i guess that i should." -Counting Crows

my favorite quotes

Just going to randomly make a list of my all time favorite quotes... because I think it's important to share powerful words that others might relate to. This list could get long, but there's a lot of smart people out there.

"It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just... feel like home." -High Fidelity

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that when ever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I saw, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and listen to your heart. The truth is, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try... because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." -Meet Joe Black

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there." -Good Will Hunting

"We don't read and write poetry because its cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering: these are noble pursuits necessary to sustain life but poetry, beauty, romance, love. These are what we stay alive for." -Dead Poets Society

"I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone." -Henry Rollins

"One day logic was proven all wrong because the tide lifted, came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass. And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" -Cast Away

"Anywhere you go, desire is desire. The sun cannot bleach it, nor the tide wash it away." -The Beach"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew." -Henry Rollins
"And me? I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for. Because it's not where you go. It's how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something. And if you find that moment, it lasts forever." -The Beach

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better. " -Henry Rollins

"Trust me--it's paradise for the mind is a generation that circles the globe in search of something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation. Never resist the unfamiliar. Never fail to be polite and never outstay your welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience... And if it hurts...you know what? It was probably worth it.." -The Beach

"Do one thing every day that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to." -Henry Rollins

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." -Maya Angelou

"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define you character." -Henry Rollins

6 months in the city!

it's been quite some time... i know. it's not that i haven't had anything to say, but that i've totally neglected something i love so much: writing. i'm going to get better at that.

i've been in the city 6 months now and i can't believe it. it feels more like home than ever before. i love this city. i never knew if i'd grow totally comfortable with leaving my hometown. i mean i know i'm not far away, but it's really a new life for me. a new chapter. and i couldn't be happier with my decision. it's not forever, but for right now it's great. it's exactly where i want to be at this point in my life. and i feel good about change, for once.

2007 has treated me well. i've kept busy between work, school, and friends, but i like being busy. i still see my parents a lot too. it's nice to have my own place but still be able to go home for a night or a weekend if i need to.

i am taking my first marketing class and i love it. it's bringing out the creative side in my brain again that i've missed so much amongst the medical research i do everyday. don't get me wrong--i really love my job. been there 2 years and i can't believe it. i'm inspired by my coworkers all of the time. but, it's nice to be able to think creatively again, and be encouraged to do so. i love to learn. that's one thing i remember now that i started school. i think i'll be ready to move on from my job when the time is right, but i couldn't have asked for better experience and a hands on education while i'm at work. in a field that i thought i never cared about. i'm going to have to find a career someday that balances helping people with writing. i know it's out there--especially after working in healthcare for 2 years. i never realized how many jobs there are beyond doctors and nurses. you can really help people in so many ways that are indirect, it's unreal. i can't wait for the day i can say that i do that.

i went to visit my grandpa and great aunts over easter in kansas city. it's crazy to see the people that raised your parents needing walkers. i mean i had a few "wow" moments where i just realized--wow, i can't believe that these people i love and respect so much were raised by people whose minds are still there, but bodies are going. it's sad life has to come to an end that way, but my biggest realization was how comfortable they are with it. comfortable accepting help from you, comfortable telling each other "you better use your walker," and joking about needing one in the first place and needing someone to take them around. it's like you don't want to imagine that time in your life coming, but when it does you must be ready. because they seem okay.

i guess it's like anything else. i didn't want to graduate college, now i can't imagine being 22 again. i wouldn't go back if i had the opportunity. i'm just ready for the next step. and i guess that goes on forever, even if you don't think things will change, they always do. adaptation is an interesting thing. it's so amazing how you find your purpose a little more with every day you live. i realize something everyday that i really didn't know the day before, and realize it or not at the time, we're truly always growing just a little bit wiser, in our own ways.

the next stage is always welcomed. and i love where i'm at right now. promise to write more often... here's to 6 months of the big city life from a born and raised suburban girl... ready for the next step.

it's 4:30 am on a tuesday

ok so it's really only 2:30, but i couldn't resist the counting crows lyric. especially since it's tuesday. plus it's probably 4:30 somewhere in the world.

i used to be a lot better at updating this. what can i say? life got busy. that, and 90% of the time i don't want to write unless i'm struck by some sort of realization or idea. consider this one one of those other 10% of the times... because i can't sleep and i figured why not write a little.

things have been good. i'm still loving the city. it's still surprising to me how much more at home i feel now in my apartment than i do at my parent's house. i just spent a couple of nights there and my room just doesn't feel like my room anymore. i mean it does, but it doesn't. i couldn't actually wait to get back here, as much as i like being home. it's a weird transitional thing i guess you could say. but i'm adjusted.

since i last wrote and i was sad, i can honestly say things have gotten 110% better. i'm back to myself and everything. it's weird. i went to the doctor today and she told me that we just get used to medications sometimes. that's probably what happened. she said it's probably not that i've gotten any worse or any of that, but just kind of built up a tolerance to the drug i was on. makes sense to me. in either case, i'm just so glad to be back to feeling like myself. i hated that time period, even though it was only a few weeks. i just remember not wanting to go to work and class and stuff. it just wasn't me. anyways, that's that. no complaints.

work is good. stressful right now, but good. i'm working with bipolar patients, it's really interesting. it really makes you appreciate your own health, too. it's hard to remember how lucky we are but really, talking to some of these people i find myself thinking "i can't believe i was ever complaining about such petty things." it's all relative... i know. but it just sort of hits you hard. i find that my sensitivity has kind of become an issue at work. i mean i know i always joke with people about how i'm sensitive and whatnot, but really, i get very attached to these people. and research is a hard thing becuase the drug companies have really strict criteria for these patients... and a lot don't fit the mold. and it makes me really sad because we attract patients that either don't have health insurance, money, etc, that from my point of view see clinical research as "their last hope" for a couple of reasons: a) they get paid for participating and b) the medication and treatment is free. and then, if they have the slightest exclusion criteria (abnormal labs, 1 point lower than they need to be on a scale, etc) we have to send them home. it just makes me sad to leave them in such a state and say "sorry, but we can't help you because pfizer's criteria is too strict." my boss always reminds me when i get upset that it's okay to have a big heart, but i have to remember my job... and that's research. these people don't expect me personally to save their lives, he says. but i guess i feel like... how do you know? maybe we were their last hope. anyways, i know a lot of that is me, but i just can't help but get attached to some of these people. i wish i was in a position that i could do more. i have to think of the positive, and i know that: the long term results of this project will help more people than not. it's just the short term that's hard to handle. for me anyways. i'm not a psychiatrist that's been dealing with this kind of "letting go" for years, so, i guess it's all a part of my job... becoming desensitized from all of that. but let me tell you, it's harder than it seems.

school is going okay. i'm in accounting, so i kind of feel like it's a little bit of a rut for me. i'm just not interested in it at all. the creative side of my brain sits through tuesday nights saying... what am i doing here? haha. but, just a few more weeks. it's just one of those, just like in undergrad, that you just have to get through. and then you can forget it. next quarter (starting mid feb) i'm taking 2 classes... so i'll be pretty busy. i think i'm ready though. the weather will be nicer and i couldn't really ask for a better walk to school. who can complain about walking down state street in the spring? and i'm actually getting into marketing classes now (finally!) so i think i will be much more interested. i'm excited. i even can find accounting relatively exciting when i understand it... it's just that i don't think my brain was built to understand it. i'm doing my best.

i guess i've sort of turned this entry into a journal type of blog. i usually try to stay away from that... but oh well, i guess everyone needs to find ways to entertain themselves when they can't sleep... right? plus, it's been a month. i promise my next entry will be a lot less about "me." after all, that's what my dad taught me right? (see last post). well, i broke the rules... but just this once.

happy new year!