Tuesday, October 28, 2008

good will hunting

it's still my all time favorite movie. 11 years old now--still my number one.
this is my favorite part. even reading it gives me the same emotions that the movie does. not a whole lot of movies can do that.

Sean: I was thinking about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. I stayed up half the night thinking about it, and then something occurred to me and I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep and haven't thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?

Will: No.

Sean: You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Will: Why, thank you.

Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.

Will: No.

Sean: So, if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You now a lot about him I bet. Life's work, political aspirations, the Pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. I've seen that.

If I asked you about women, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and you've been laid a few times. But you can't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.

You're a tough kid. If I asked you about war, you'd probably throw a sonnet right at me, right? Once more, until the bridge, dear friends. But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath, looking to you for help.

And if I asked you about love you'd quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and be totally vulnerable. Known that someone can level you with her eyes. Feeling that God had put an angel on earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have that love for her to be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself.
I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

I look at you and I don't see an intelligent, confident man: I see a cheeky, scared, shitless kid. But you're a genius, no one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine. You ripped my fuc***g life apart.

You're an orphan, right? Do you think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who your are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that incapsulate you?

Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because, you know what: I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some fuc***g book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you sport? You're terrified about what you might say.
Your move, Chief.

Monday, October 27, 2008

the one that got away?

i wonder a lot about that whole concept of "the one that got away." from all aspects. i wonder if i'm anyone's "one" that got away, and i wonder if mine has already gotten away too.

i really believe in the concept.

i don't get over things quickly, if ever. it's something i'm working on. being able to let things go. i think it's my best and worst asset-my sensitivity. i think on one hand, it's what makes people like me--because i care about everything and everyone. on the other hand, it sometimes means that i'm hurt too easily. catch 22 i suppose.

as much as i'd like to say the opposite, i know that i'm not over some of my ex boyfriends. of course, it's nothing like it was during the initial breakup where i was like losing sleep and whatnot. but i miss things about them.

and of course, there's things i don't miss at all. like driving myself crazy wondering what they're thinking. or having that paranoid feeling that something might be wrong between us.

yeah, i don't miss that.

i don't miss the long distance. i don't miss the ex girlfriends in the picture.

but i do miss things.

the little things. the late night talks. sleeping next to somebody. walking down the streets of my favorite city in the world, and actually being part of that whole couple thing. those couples always look so happy. i have to admit, it was nice to be on the other side of the fence and be one of those couples for awhile. to walk down the street to dinner and hold someones hand and be genuinely happy. discovering new things about each other all of the time--yeah, i miss that. brushing your teeth together in the morning. giving each other a hard time and laughing so hard that it hurts. i do, i really miss that stuff.

i've never been one to "need" somebody. in fact, i was thinking about it recently, and unless you count the children i babysit for, i'm always by myself. almost always. i'll meet friends for dinner and drinks. i see my parents once in awhile. i'll talk to someone in a store, but for the most part, i'm usually by myself. i live by myself. i run errands by myself. i even go to sit down restaurants by myself.

years ago, i think that would have bothered me. i would have felt lonely. i've kind of grown to love it. it's nice to have space, and i'd say most of the time i appreciate the space that i have. definitely. but, every once in awhile there's just that need for company... and when i don't have the option, i start to miss the times that i did.

i saw a sex and the city episode recently... the one where carrie is talking about all of her friends getting married, and having babies and whatnot... and she kind of came to the conclusion that she wasn't alone... she was dating new york city. it sounds silly i guess, but i actually totally related to it. i feel as if i'm sort of doing the same, only my city is chicago. i don't necessarily think i'm "dating" chicago, but the point was well made. you live in this wonderful city and action is all around you. things to do on every block. it's really quite welcoming to be single and there's so much to do.

i have to say though, there are nights like tonight, that i wish i had someone to talk to as i fall asleep. i miss those things.

dean told me he missed me today. too much he said. honestly, it's good to hear. it is. but it's so confusing. it was around this time last year that we really started to date. so, things remind me of him right now. the fall, the holidays... places we went together and things like that. i don't think anything will ever become of it, but who knows, i guess.

i still think about matt, too. it's strange, he had such an impact on me for some reason. he was just a good person. i'm just happy for the time we had together, regardless of how it ended. it was fun and i enjoyed it, and i loved his simplicity, his attitude, and his rebellious nature. we had a lot of fun together. it was a good summer.

just kind of thinking out loud i guess tonight.
so, until my next writing inspiration happens... night.

I guess you get used to somebody
Kinda like having them around
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy
Bring you up when you're feeling down
I never dreamed when I was letting you go that
I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody,
I guess you get used to being loved

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


just got back from indianapolis. i went to see allison for lily's first birthday, and lindsey and lisa did as well. it was a nice little college reunion. it's always fun when we're all together again. things have changed (like we exchange cleaning product suggestions and recipes instead of drinking two beers at once now) but we're all still the same. and it's always fun to talk about old times at purdue... we really did have a blast in college. i'm lucky to have such great friends. no matter where we live and how much things change, we can still get together and have a blast.

i've been pretty crazily busy lately. it's good. between two jobs and weekend babysitting, i might drive myself insane (and i start school in two weeks on top of all of that). but i like being busy. i think i forget that i like being busy sometimes... but i really do enjoy it. i think i'm meant for a fast paced lifestyle. i was bored for so so long.

i love chicago in the fall. every day makes me happy :) i love this weather.

i'm very excited to start school again. i really love learning. i kind of feel like my brain has been on a bit of a vacation this quarter. excited to start up again. i can not believe i only have four classes until i graduate! that's insane. i feel like i just started, seriously. it's actually been quite awhile though and it will be great to finish up. i think i'm going to study abroad this summer - so that's exciting. i'm deciding between sydney, bejing and rome. we'll see! pretty diverse options, i know. i have time to figure it out though.

this is a bit of a boring post... i'll try to be a little more original next time. :)

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

chin up

it's my favorite time of year.

the only time of the year i find myself looking around, smiling while walking around, thinking about life and the city and everything else wonderful.


i don't know what it is. i love the fall. everything about it. the fact that you can wear a sweater and flip flops at the same time. the colors. the smell. the crisp air without a coat. sleeping with the windows open. pumpkins. festivals. leaf piles. knowing that family time and holidays are around the corner. i love it all.

the first perfect day of the year to me, is the day you can leave the house in all of your favorite clothes, at once. not worrying about whether you'll be cold or hot. i love that. short sleeves, long sleeves, sandals, or socks, you're good.

i left my place this morning, and it was just one of those perfect mornings. i woke up about a half hour before my alarm went off and while usually i'd go back to bed, today i felt energized and got up. i love it when i do that. it's so nice to get ready and not be rushed, or tired. and know that you have that extra twenty minutes or so to run to starbucks or take a walk or read part of your book in the morning. i love it and i'm glad i don't do it every day, because i wouldn't appreciate that extra half hour... and time moves too fast to not appreciate a half hour once in awhile.

so this morning i got up. i got ready. i threw on a turtleneck, jeans, and flip flops... stopped at starbucks for a coffee. made a to do list. walked around chin up looking around me and just thinking about how very much i loved that moment.

not to be pessimistic, but let's just say we all know it's only weeks away when the frigid cold comes. you know what i notice the most? in the winter, it's depressing, not only because it's freezing, but because everyone walks with their head down. it's like the social aspect of the city is gone. there's no more eye contact with strangers. no more friendly morning hellos to the people you pass or the bus driver. it's just too cold to look around. and there's so much to see.

alright, enough about weather and seasons...

the past few months have been good to me. i've started working again, and maybe even too much because i'm so busy now. but, i like it. i had too much down time, i realized, and it's not good for me. i'm so much happier when i'm busy, productive, and at the end of the day, tired. i had forgotten, but i really missed all of those things in my life.

i'm not in school right now (for just this quarter) simply because i'm adjusting to these new responsibilities, and time constraints. but i'll start up again in early november. according to my advisor, i should graduate approximately one year from now. it's been pushed back a bit due to multiple things (having to drop a class, opting out this quarter, etc) but i'm fine with it. i'd rather take my time and take it all in. i love school, and i get so much more out of it when i have it in the right balance. there was a time when i was working 50 + hours a week, and taking 12 credit hours. it doesn't sound impossible, i know, but i just wasn't enjoying school, and that's not like me. i'd rather enjoy my classes, take my time, and graduate three months later than i thought i would.

and then... the big news. i've decided that i want to teach. i'm going back and forth about what to do about this. i contacted a lot of illinois schools with great MEd programs... but i don't know. something about getting another masters seems like backtracking to me, so right now i'm looking at phD programs. i've decided on this for a number of reasons: first, i've always wanted to teach college more than i've wanted to teach high school, middle school, or el ed. the reason for this? i know that i want to teach english. and not just teach english, but i want to teach it to students that want to learn english. not the langage necessarily, or linguistics, or grammar specifics... but studying literature. the written word. writing.

i want them to love it. to live it like i do. to think like a writer. to read like an author. and, i think to get those kind of students, you need to go to the higher level.

anyways, that's the plan for now. we'll see. so far i've only looked into programs in austin... and UT Austin has an awesome phD education program. i can't apply until i've completed my masters... so we'll see. but let's just say i'm not excluding the possibility of moving. i wouldn't move just anywhere, afterall, i love chicago too much to abandon it for a city less satisfying, but i'll say this--the first time i landed in austin, i thought (which i rarely think), "I could live here." and it's been in the back of my mind since. part of me, a big part, thinks i should live somewhere else for awhile. after all, i know where i'll end up (chicago). so why not? but, that's a year down the road, so i guess right now it could be considered "an idea."

enjoy this weather. and the season. it's only a few weeks long, afterall.

chin up.