christmas

i went down to the christmas tree at daley plaza today. i had such a good day, sitting in pj's until i felt like getting ready, drinking coffee, watching movies, and knowing that later i'd head out to see all of the christmas magic that Chicago brings to me.

i do take it for granted sometimes, and i'm trying not to. i am well aware i won't live here forever. i got a cup of coffee and took the bus to state street. i looked in the macy's windows. i walked over to the daley center and took pictures of the tree, i walked around for awhile. i felt the christmas spirit of this great city.

and it was a great day. i'm so glad i went to see it. i listened to Christmas music the entire time and it made the ride go fast. i looked out the windows at tourists and passerbys and i just took it all in.

i didn't realize it until i was about halfway there, that i just felt like i was missing something. missing something? how? i'm in this gorgeous city where i live, surrounded by trees, decor, spirit... i've been doing this for years.

well, this year's different. my life has changed significantly. i'm fortunate enough to be able to say that i have truly met the love of my life. i am forever changed. i have no doubt in my mind that i am meant to be with Scott and i treasure every minute i am with him. this has easily been the best year of my life. hands down.

when i was young, i was probably sure the best year of my life would be when i turned 13. and then 16. and then 18. and then 21. i would have never guessed it would be the year i turned 28. scott came into my life, and he made me realize how wonderful my life could possibly be. i've always been a happy person, but i can honestly say i have never been this happy. and it just keeps getting better. the more i get to know him, the more i love him, the more i want to be with him. i want to share everything i have with him, and i'd give anything i could possibly give to make him more happy. he makes me a better person, and he loves me exactly the way i am. i've never had to falsify anything with him, and i know that i never will. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world, all of the time.

scott's in florida with his family for Christmas. i'm going to spend time with them the day after. my parents were still sad about me possibly being gone for Christmas, and i'm certainly glad to be able to spend it with them as well. i have fantastic parents and i know i'm extremely lucky for the amount of love i was raised with. it's made me who i am.

but, i will say, today, i wish scott was with me. and it's weird. i'm a pretty independent girl. i don't like the fact that i feel like i "need" someone anytime at all, and i'm not totally comfortable with the idea that i've been doing things like i did today for years, and today i felt like i was missing half of me...

at the same time, i love it, and i wish he was with me holding my hand as i looked at the tree lights. and it may sound cliche, but i just want every moment to be with him. i am so lucky to have met someone that i know is meant for me, and i just can't wait for the future.

and turning 28 was pretty painless and natural for me... years ago i would have never guessed this, but honestly, this is the best year of my life. i am so happy to know, love, and grow older with scott.

Merry Christmas.

post moving reflections

well, i've found a new home in Chicago.

for a long time, it didn't feel like home. the walls were bare, the furniture unbuilt, the space, well, it was just space.

i can honestly say that i finally feel at home here.

i'm not here a whole lot, but when i am, i like it. it's fun to explore a new neighborhood. i was so used to the same people, the same stores, the same restaurants, the same "things..."

it's been a dreary fall. i LOVE fall, and i LOVE fall in chicago, but this fall has just been depressing. for a month straight it rained. as much as you try to not let it affect your attitude, it does...

anyway, it was sunny today. and 60. and all at once i remembered what i love so very much about this city. the energy. the closeness. the way that you feel, when, even though you don't know a single person you're walking by, you're all city people, you're all in the same boat, you're all human.

i love that about this city.

i never thought i'd feel at home somewhere else. i left my old place and it felt strange saying goodbye to three years of my life.... but i guess now i realize, they're just years. happiness is happiness, and it has nothing to do with how old you are, or where you lay your hat.

and well, i'm happy. so so so happy.

i couldn't be more thankful for everything and everyone in my life.

moving

i'm down to less than a week in my apartment.

it's weird, as ready as i am for a new place, and more space... and as excited i am about the new place i found, i'm sad to be packing and leaving. i was almost asleep tonight (of course, when i should have been packing, i was laying in bed) and i made myself walk to starbucks to wake up so that i could get some packing done.

and i guess on the way there, i kind of thought about my familiar places that won't be so familiar anymore. it's funny what you get attached to. the things that stand out for me are: that starbucks, and i don't even like starbucks that much--but there's something about it, the homeless guy that i always say hi to on the corner, my favorite mexican restaurant, and, believe it or not, the 7-11 workers that always wave to me, and some of the bars that remind me of my first year of city life. haha. i know those seem like funny familiarities, but i guess it's interesting what you get attached to in three years of living somewhere.

lots of good times in this neighborhood. i would stay another year if i had a little more room. it's treated me well.

i remember my first night sleeping here. i remember that my apartment was put together, but it didn't feel like home at all. my stuff was all new, and i wasn't a city girl at all. there was nothing even slightly resembling home for me in apartment 301. i actually remember sitting up in my bed that night, and writing, and hearing the noises out my window... half full of excitement for the next chapter of my life, but half scared too. and i remember that i didn't sleep that well because i wasn't quite at home yet.

it's funny to think about that now, because as much as i'm sick of this place and ready to move on, and have a bigger apartment, it's definitely home. it feels like home when i walk in the door. there's a sense of relief about a place that feels like home, even if it's not your ideal home... it's home. that feeling of walking in the door after a long day, and throwing your bag down, and just sitting down at home - it's not the same anywhere else.

and i'm very excited for a new neighborhood, and a new home. but i also know that there will be that whole getting acquainted phase again, and probably another night of thinking and writing in my bed, and a month or two of making the place seem like home. but, it will get there. and once again, i'm excited for this next chapter. chicago has treated me well and i'm excited to explore a new part of it.

and now i'm going to stop writing and start putting the past three years of my life into boxes. it's been fun 1117.

bus story

usually the bus is pretty quiet. people mind their own business for the most part. in fact, i would say in all of my time in Chicago i could probably count the conversations i've had while utilizing public transportation on a single hand. people just usually aren't in the mood.

i talked to the woman sitting next to me today, and it really got me thinking.

i was taking the bus home as usual, and hanging up the phone with Scott and the woman next to me wanted to know how i liked my phone. she was thinking of getting her son an iphone soon. i talked a little about the phone and other such polite stranger conversation.

then she looked at me and said "so, what are you having for dinner?" and i was caught a little offguard. i mean, i didn't mind her asking, i was just caught offguard by the unnatural sense of friendliness while riding the CTA. it just doesn't happen usually. "i have no idea. i haven't even thought about it." and she told me she was just trying to get ideas... we got quiet again and she looked at me and said, "Are you a teacher?" and i sort of laughed to myself and said, "No. I think I should have been though." and we continued to talk about Scott being a teacher, and other such things... but i thought about that the whole walk home, and a lot of the night.

i know the conversation isn't earth shattering or anything. maybe it's not even interesting to anyone else, but to me, it was shocking, and somewhat of a sign. i've been looking into programs lately to go into teaching. i'm not entirely sure i'm ready to do the school thing again, and gosh, switching career paths again scares me to death... but there is this part of me, this voice in the back of my head that's telling me it's what i was supposed to do. i remember that i wanted to teach from the day i could talk. i played school every single day. on scholastic aptitude tests when it asks your future profession, from grade 1, i wrote "teacher." i majored in elementary education at purdue for 2 years before i switched my major. i mean, i'm not making this stuff up. and it was just funny timing. here, i just completed my MBA. and don't get me wrong, i love marketing and i have a definite interest in it - but i still wonder about teaching all of the time. i guess it never really left me. i've been thinking about it even more since i graduated, and even found a good, reasonable quick program if i want to pursue it.

so, i don't know. it was just kind of funny to hear that from a stranger. people influence me so much. i left that woman on the bus, wished her a good evening, and got home and thought about my future career all night. it's just interesting - i guess you never know how you are going to affect someone with your words. i mean, i don't know what it means that i look like a teacher to that woman, maybe nothing. but maybe it was just what i needed, too.

summer 09

i haven't written anything in a really long time. that isn't to say i haven't thought about it now and then, but things have been busy and life has been well so i haven't been thinking too hard.

i've had the best summer. it has seriously been the perfect summer. i want to explain it and describe it, but i'm afraid i won't be able to do it justice. i've gone to some great concerts, spent some wonderful weekends in Michigan with Scott and sometimes with his family. i've worked less, worried less, and took more time to enjoy my friends, my family, my great boyfriend, and the awesome city of Chicago.

looking back on this summer of course, it went way too fast.

i'm grateful every single day, multiple times per day that i know scott. i know it might sound cliche, or corny, or whatever you want to call it... but i find it hard to believe that there was a time in my life when i didn't know him. it doesn't seem possible. i'm so lucky that i've found someone like him who is truly my best friend. we have so much fun together... but he's also my rock.

and on my worst day, and my best day - he's the person i want to tell about it because i know he will either make me feel better on the bad days, or celebrate with me on the good days. i'm so incredibly lucky to have found someone like him. it's weird to think about life before all of this: i mean, i know i was happy and i know i had a life, but it just seems weird to remember that he wasn't a part of it. i can't imagine a day without him now and i couldn't be happier than when i am with him.

in not so exciting news, things have been hard for me lately with the whole job search thing. i graduated about three months ago, and i have been looking and applying since a little before graduation. i've gone on some interviews, had several phone interviews, and i am sending my resume out every day. it's so tough right now. i know that i need to not take it personally when things don't work out, but i guess being the sensitive natured person that i am, i can't help but take it personally. there are days where i'm constantly asking myself - what is wrong with me? i'm educated, motivated, and personable and i just can't seem to find anything. that being said, i know it takes time. and i know i'll find something... but it's been pretty hard for me to stay level headed. i know that i have to remember that i'm doing my best, and realize that any job that doesn't come through isn't a good fit. and that there is a lot of competition out there... and most importantly, that it's not a personal attack. these companies are interviewing who knows how many people - it's pretty tough to stick out right now. i swear, finding a job is the most trying, unrewarding process in the entire world. it takes so much time, energy, dedication, and the payoff takes a long time. but, there will be a payoff, and patience is key. sometimes i'm not as good at being patient as i would like to be.

the other day i was having one of those days... where i'm kind of focusing on everything negative in my life. i know better than to do that most of the time, but i think everyone has those days where it just seems like it won't stop. i'm thinking things like... i worked so hard in school, and i can't find a job. my car is broken. my apartment is too small. you know, everything i can possibly think of that is bad... and then, i get off the train at the paulina brown line stop, and i see a man searching through the garbage for something to eat. that was a big reality check for me. i couldn't help but feel guilty about the pity party i was having for myself for the 20 minutes prior to seeing him. i guess it's important to remember that it could always be worse. it's hard when you have expectations for yourself, but i can pretty much guarantee you i'll never be in that guy's situation in my entire life.

that shut me up pretty quick.

i'll be moving before october, so that's exciting. i'm pretty sure i'm going to move north, and definitely sure i am going to get a bigger place. my apartment has been good to me, but i think that my collection of "stuff" is outgrowing a studio apartment at this point. and well, i'm getting older. when i first moved downtown, this was plenty of space for me. now, it seems way too small. so, the move will be exciting. a new neighborhood,a new place, more room. i can't wait.

all in all, i have to say... life has been good.

this year's love

i knew that someday my favorite song would mean more to me than beautiful lyrics. i knew that someday, i'd come across the right guy and i'd actually understand and feel the lyrics, rather than just admire them.

i'm a lucky girl.

you know, i swear i have never been one of those girls that spent their whole life looking for love. i always sort of believed that it would just happen when the time was right. i'm a strong believer in the fact that if you look too hard for something, you're going to settle for the wrong thing. well,  27 years later, i'm glad i stuck to my instincts. 

you know, i'll admit for awhile it was a little discouraging when everyone was settling down and i knew that i was a good person with a lot to offer, and i just wasn't meeting the right guy.  i'll admit it that when i had my heart broken a couple of times, i wanted to give up. and i'll admit it that nights got lonely a lot of the time. 

none of that matters now.

i can not even begin to explain how much my life has changed in a matter of months. i know some people would, and maybe even do, say that i'm crazy. you know what i say? i don't care. i have never been this happy in my entire life. i can't even believe this is my life right now. it's more than anything i ever imagined. i've always been sensitive, i've always been somewhat of a romantic, and i guess i always had the hope that i'd fall in love... but never the expectation. i think that i've lived by a phrase my entire life, "hope for the best, but expect the worst." a bit of a realist, sure. but you have to be when you don't know what's going to happen.

the point of all of my midnight rambling is this - i am positive i have never been this happy in my entire life. i am certain that i have met the love of my life. i have never had so much in common with someone. never met someone that can make me laugh and have a serious conversation with me within the same ten minutes. someone who accepts me for who i am. someone i want to call at the end of the day, whether i had the best day of my life, or whether i'm ready to give up. someone who would be there for me the second i said i needed him. 

i know this is all so sappy, and i don't know what to say to excuse myself. because it's the way i feel. all of the sudden all of those songs don't seem so silly, all of those movies don't seem so "far fetched." and love doesn't seem so surreal or impossible. 

i'm so happy. i've never been so happy. 

a good friend of mine told me recently, "Love isn't hard." and i couldn't agree more. looking back at my life, and how much i tried to believe in love, it's sad to look back at that. it's hard to remember that, because none of it was real. now i know what's real. it's not hard. it shouldn't be hard. 

you know, i've loved the song "this year's love" since it came out, when i was a senior in high school. i remember hearing it, playing it on repeat, and loving the lyrics. as i got older, i knew i wanted it to be in my wedding, if i ever got married. and now, i know that this year's love for me, is 2009. 

couldn't be happier.

first of all... i am officially done with school. i don't graduate until saturday... but tonight i did my final presentation and i can't even believe the thought of not having homework. i feel so good.

secondly... i am pretty sure that i have the best boyfriend in the world. 

everything has been perfect. i can't even explain it, i don't want to sound so sentimental but i'll just say i've never felt like this in my entire life. i'm so happy. he 

makes me so happy. 

i went on a whim and invited him to christine's wedding, which is in amelia island, FL at the end of the month. i figured it was pretty much going on a limb as we haven't known each other all that long and well, it's across the country. and it looked like things weren't going to work out. flights were expensive, etc etc etc. 

last night he came over and asked me if i wanted my graduation present. graduation present? i have not even graduated yet! i told him he did not 

need to get me anything... and he responded, "well, it's something you need." finally, after going back and forth a few times, i said i would open it.

i opened it, and here's what i found. 

funny story about this... i have been saying for awhile how i want to learn how to cook a turkey. random, i know... but i just feel like i know how to cook a lot of things and not a turkey? 

after further googling, i found out that you need to have a meat thermometer? i was like "a meat thermometer, who has one of those??" 

and so, i thought it was clever, thought it was cute that he remembered, and i laughed.

then i opened my card.

it's one of those song cards from hallmark... and i listened to the song, and i thanked him and i was about to put it back in the envelope... and he asked me "do you ever play with these cards, and see how the music works?" and i said "what?" and then he showed me the middle of the card where you can do that... i started to play with it and he said "wait, is something in there?" (the piece of paper in the picture was not sticking out that much at the time) and i looked... and...

yes, he booked his flight to florida. without telling me. and talked to christine and submitted his informal RSVP to the wedding. 

i'm still in shock and i feel like this is all surreal. i have never known someone so thoughtful in my entire life... and i feel like last night was a dream. i know that all sounds so sappy and silly, but it's really how i feel.

i'm still waiting for someone to wake me up.

and i am so excited to spend a weekend in florida with my favorite guy. 

i'm so lucky. 

best graduation ever.

distraction

i logged onto google reader today and i had 250 unread posts. the most i've ever seen that number escalate to is maybe 30. 

okay, so i've been a bit distracted. 

gotten a little less reading done, finding shortcuts in homework more than usual, talked to my parents a little less.

all for a good reason though. i guess logging into google reader made me actually realize how absent i've been.

i met a really good guy. good, down-to-earth, fun, positive, happy, dedicated, has his life together, sort of guy. we've spent a crazy amount of time together in the past two weeks and it's  been nothing but fun. i'm loving every minute of this and i feel extremely lucky. 

we have a good thing going right now. it's awesome. we're on the same page about almost everything and we are just literally taking it a day at a time and enjoying each other's company. it's exactly what i have always wanted. i've been walking around with my chin up for a few weeks now and smiling more than usual. things have changed in the past few weeks, but there is no doubt in my mind that it's for the better. 

i don't want to sound all mushy and silly, but i guess i am going to and i guess that is what happens when you are into someone. i'll just say this - when i wake up, i want to talk to him. when i go to sleep, i want to say goodnight first. i want to know how his day is going. i want him to be happy all of the time and i want to do whatever i can to make him happy. all of this happened really fast, but i'm at a point now where i don't feel like a day is complete until i talk to him and hear about his day. it's a ton of emotions that i don't really think i've ever totally felt before and i have been so unbelievably happy. 

this guy is a sweetheart--down to the root definition of the word. he wants to make sure that i am safe. he wants to make sure that i am happy. he wants to spend time with me whenever our schedules allow it. he wants to surprise me and he wants to talk whenever we can. i could tell from the day that i met him that he is a genuine, caring person. he literally had me from hello.

i debated about writing this on my blog, but i guess i feel like the point of my writing is that i want to remember how things feel. i love looking back at this thing and reading old posts... even if they're sad, because it takes me right back to that moment. the power of words is crazy. i can literally get right back in a moment by reading my thoughts if i write them i the present. and so, i felt like it would be cheating myself and this great thing i have going right now if i didn't write about it.

anyway, life has been the best it has been for me in a long time. maybe ever. i'm crazy about this kid, and i think he's crazy about me... and i am just really excited for whatever comes next. i have a feeling it's going to be a great summer!

life

after attending a funeral today, of someone i knew in high school, i feel so compelled to write.

life is such a wonderful, but strange thing... i just wish everyone could live forever.

today was very hard for me. to see, someone i knew who had passed away far too young, ready to go to rest.

i guess the strongest thing i felt was that life is so so fragile. it's something i don't understand, something i will probably never understand.

danielle spoke beautifully today. she talked about good times with amanda, growing up with her, being young, free, and timeless. i was never that upset until i put it into my own terms--losing someone you were and are so very close to. it's not right. i can't imagine if i were in the same situation, not at all. 

but, i think if something came out of this at all it is that you have to treasure people in your life. sure, people disagree, or they're on a different page than you are. so what? all of that is small stuff. it's scary how much we all take each other for granted. i just hope this is and was a learning experience for me, and everyone else. and that we need to remember the little things, sometimes the littlest things and realize how very lucky we are to have our health, happiness, youth, and freedom...

RIP Amanda, we will all miss you very much. thanks for being in our lives.

writing

my grandmother was a writer. she kept a diary her entire life and dreamed of publishing a book someday. i'd like to think that she was my influence, but unfortunately i learned this about her far too late in her life.

life is too short.

i was in college when she passed away. my parents moved back from LA when she was sick to take care of her and moved into her little house with her until the bitter end. i came home one weekend from school, and she was a different person than i remembered. she had lost her incredible memory, her wit, but she still had her passion, and her love for crossword puzzles.

i came home, which wasn't exactly home for me; but i understood why it was home at the time. and i remember how confused she was. she wasn't sure who i was. she recognized me, but she wasn't sure why. and my dad drew her a crossword puzzle with things about me (for example, down 1 was purdue, across 4 was blue--for the color of my eyes). it didn't work.

what's interesting is she did remember that i loved to write. and that was the last coherent conversation i had with her. her memory, boggled, still knew that i wanted to write. i will never forget that day - she told me she wanted me to have all of her diaries. i still don't have them because of all of the moving and confusion that happened after she was gone, but i look forward to discovering them someday.

i have the same sort of thing. i have kept a diary since i was in the sixth grade. and since the whole "blog" era, i have done this instead. it's an amazing thing to know that i'll be able to pass on my words, my life, someday after i am gone. i know it's probably a long way away, but i'm glad i've kept some sort of a legacy. i'm sure she would have said the same.

i miss you, grandma lanie. thank you for your wisdom and all that you left me with. 

wordle.net

I went to Wordle.net and made these images from my blog. You can either put in a website (I used my blog) or you can just put in words on your own... it puts them in these shapes. I think it's pretty cool :)

things

so it's official:

2 more finals, and 3 more classes, and i'll have my degree. i can't believe the end is in sight. i'm getting very excited, but trying not to get too distracted. i want to end on a good note.

it's weird - it's bittersweet. i love school and i actually think when i graduate i'll miss learning and going to class. i told my family recently that i wish it was acceptable to be a lifelong student (and get paid for it) haha. i think that's my calling sometimes. either way, it will be nice to not have projects weighing on me and to see what's in store for me in the world of marketing... it's exciting, but i've still got 3 more months before i get too excited.

i graduate in exactly three months from today!

other good news: i became an aunt, and my brother became a father to a beautiful little boy named Will on Jan 27. he was born very healthy and i have yet to have the time to meet him :( school and work are really keeping me busy, but i can't wait to get out there and meet my new nephew. it's a really cool feeling to have a new generation around. i got really emotional about it one day, i just think it's so great to watch a new life come into the world and watch them grow up... how exciting.

From Will

From Will

From Will

that's all for now i guess, just felt like haven't written in awhile.

the best email

every once in awhile i'll send my parents a link to something i wrote... not my entire blog or anything but if it's a reflection on the holidays or something i'm particularly proud of writing for some reason, i'll pass it along. anyways, i sent the christmas post to my mom and dad. usually i don't hear back from them. i know they're just busy. if i do, it's usually a one liner... so of course, it caught me by surprise to get this email on monday morning in response... but in the best way possible.

great words for the new year.
and once again i am realizing how lucky i am in my own life and how grateful i am for everything that i have, especially amazing parents.

i'd be in a much different world without them, i know that for certain.

from my dad, january 5, 2009.

Amy,

So it's back to work and the short-lived unfamiliar has quickly become familiar again. Phone calls, emails, sales opportunities... blah, blah, blah. It was in the middle of catching up when I came across your email, and it reminded me, again, as to how fortunate we are to have you as our daughter.

Thank you for the note, the sentiment, but most of all your everlasting awareness and appreciation for all that is around you: places, events, people, the experience of life..Fr. Reagan, one of my high school teachers, used to repeat over and over, "time is what's happening while you are waiting for something to happen." In others words make the most of the moment, and you certainly know how to do that. In fact you make the moments happen.

It was nice being with you over the holidays. The annual trek to "A Christmas Carol" started the season off in perfect seasonal tradition. Thank you for taking us. The season would not be complete without a visit with Scrooge, Tiny Tim, and all the spirits. Best of all, we were able to share it together.

Home should reflect this season and always represent love, safe haven, and acceptance. Decorated or not the door is always open and we look forward to your next visit. The line in a Christmas Carol, "...(Christmas) is a time, of all others, when want is keenly felt, and abundance rejoices." carries a message that, at first, seems all too obvious. When you think about it, it could refer to spiritual beliefs, social awareness, or the need for family and friends. Home is abundant with love and is there to be shared with all who want to partake.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!

See you soon,

Love,

Dad

a new year

i think new years is one of my favorite holidays. to me it just kind of wipes the slate clean and gives you a fresh start. sure, it's just another day, but it always seems to invoke that feeling.

i brought in the new year with my best friend, anne, her husband, and another couple. it was a good time. i found myself reflecting at midnight on the happenings of the last year, and well, a lot has changed since last year. and honestly - i think it's all for the better. i had a hard time finding anything negative about starting over this year- in fact, it seems like quite the opportunity.

as for resolutions, i tried making them a few years ago, and what i found out is that when i make a list of some strict criteria, i just don't stick to it. so, my resolution is to keep being myself and striving for self improvement where necessary. i'm going to leave it like that. i don't feel that anything is completely unresolved this year, which is an excellent feeling.

the past couple of days, i've really appreciated the ordinary more than normal. one day i was looking at my fridge, which is literally covered in christmas cards, and i know they're just christmas cards, but i thought - "wow, that many people are in my life." and that's a pretty amazing feeling. i think sometimes it's easy to take things like that for granted because you just expect things to stay that way, but: i know that everyone doesn't have that. i know that not everyone is happy with themselves, their accomplishments, their goals, their home--and i'm so lucky to be happy with all of those things.

i feel like i'm really figuring it out as i get older. i know it's an age old saying that you get wiser as you get older, but i really don't think that's true for everyone. life is what you make of it. if you're not able to look back at your flaws and accomplishments and be your own worst critic, well, you're not going to learn anything. it's important to recognize moments of weakness and moments of strength, and grow from them accordingly, and i really think i do that.

so, 2009... let's see. i will graduate this year with a masters degree. i'm going to study in Rome! i'll be in the same apartment until at least October in a city that i love. i'm going to become an aunt in a few weeks! i'm going to visit one of my best friends from college in california in february. three of my good friends are getting married. it's already looking like such a promising year, and i really think i'm starting it off on the right foot.

last year was a little different, i kind of forgot to even reflect on the new year, i was too into the boyfriend and such. it was kind of nice to have a little more "me" time this year and get a sense of clarity, and really be able to focus on my own life without the distractions. it's refreshing.

2008 was a good year for the most part, but i'm going to make 2009 even better.
happy new years!

a year ago, revisited

i was looking at old pictures today. reading last years christmas cards while putting away this years. i found myself back in this month of 2007.

for a minute, i was sad.
literally, a minute. i'm glad it was that short.

i had a minute of "i had a boyfriend last year."
"new years was actually fun."
"i spent christmas looking forward to what was coming up."

and then i realized - i have got to snap out of this. and quick.

it's been controlling my life for far too long. a year, is too long. way too long. i'm not saying it impacts me every day, because it doesn't, but it's not "gone." and it needs to be. it's holding me back in some ways, not as much as it used to, but still.

and then, i remembered this night.

and i reread that. and i'm sitting on the same couch, in the same spot that i got that news this year. and i'm staring at the same wall that i stared at for 2 hours after i got the damn text message that let me know we weren't going to meet up afterall.

and all i can think right now is, What am I doing?

why am I letting this own me, even partially? i know better than that.

i reread that post and all of those feelings come back. and i'm amazed and disappointed at myself for even still having contact with anyone who could ever do that to me. i couldn't do that to my worst enemy. in fact, i know in the reverse situation i would go no matter my relationship, like/dislike for the person, or how tired i was or how many meetings i had in the morning. i would go because, if for no other reason, i said that i would.

and so, i don't deserve this.

i may have gotten over that night, but it still happened. and i can tell you one thing that i know - i don't need someone like that in my life. be it someone who i have known nine years or not, that's not something that someone who cares about you does to you, and i don't need it...

and i need to stop making excuses.
and justifying things.
making good of the bad.
being one of those girls i've watched for so many years from the sidelines.

and realize one thing: that i deserve more.

i'm grateful for the new year, and washing my hands of (some of) 2008.

oh christmas...

i just got back into chicago a few hours ago. my dad drove me back, thank you dad!

what a wonderful christmas it was.

i got home the night before christmas eve to help my mom with all of her great preparations. my parents have this way of making christmas so special.

i walked into the house and it's adorned with lights, trees, decorations, and spirit. it's something i didn't appreciate when i was younger (though it happened then) but now i walk in the doors to that house and the welcome is overwhelming. i'm so grateful to have my family.

we had christmas eve festivities at my parents house and everyone was there, and my dad put on his santa suit for the little kids, and it was just all so... perfect. we were up until 2 am talking and appreciating what we are so lucky to have every year, a great family. great dinner. a tree that is overwhelmed with presents, though unnecessary. christmas carols playing in the background, a real pine tree... all of these wonderful things i have taken for granted all of my life.

i found myself looking around just reminding myself how very lucky i am to have any of this, let alone all of this.

we went to mass this morning... and the priest was beginning to give his homily. and he spoke of the bible verse "be not afraid." and how we should all free ourselves of our fears and anxieties... and he asked a nice family at church if he could use their child for a second. he held the baby in his arms and said "now how could you be afraid when you know a God like ours brought us into the world like this baby? look into this baby's eyes and tell me you're afraid of any God that could do this." and the crowd was quiet.

and then, something strange happened. he had to break his homily for a second because someone in the church was having heart problems. he stopped, went over to see if they were okay and told them it was obviously okay to leave. and so he kept speaking about freeing our fears and afterward let us know that the guy was okay, and going to his home. and that perhaps there were angels amongst us on Christmas day watching over him.

i had a hard time with it at first. i thought - why on earth would anyone have a heart attack at Christmas mass? during a homily about the validity of fears and whatnot.... but you know, there's always a reason.

tonight on our drive back i asked my dad what he thought all of that meant. and he said, "amy, i think it happens so that we realize how very lucky we are. and the man is okay." and it took me a minute, but i agreed.

lesson learned - i'm so grateful for my health, my family, a place i can always call home, but most of all, happiness.

i'm grateful for all of my gifts as well, but the latter is less important.

merry christmas, everyone.

thank you for being in my life.

a christmas carol

i slept too much earlier today, so i'm finding myself pretty awake at 2:30 am. things on the mind, so i decided it was a good time to do some writing.

it's cold here. really cold. winter in chicago has returned. i believe my cab driver this morning told me that it was -14 degrees with windchill. i seem to forget about this every year until it happens. it's funny how you get sort of immune to it though. i was dreading my walk to the bus stop on my way home, and honestly, it wasn't all that bad. i imagine if i lived in some warm climate for some substantial amount of time, those ten minutes waiting would have seemed like hours.

i took my parents to see A Christmas Carol this year at the Goodman Theatre. they've taken me every year since i was young, and i decided that this year it was my turn to treat them. i surprised them with tickets and sent them in the mail with a note saying something along the lines of, "thanks for always teaching me and showing me what's important in life," something that is not only true, but a main theme of the play.

we had dinner and headed to the show. it was great as always. i can't explain the feeling i leave with after seeing that play. maybe because it's so well done. maybe because it's a family tradition for us. definitely because of the lessons the story provides. in any case, i leave every year with a little more joy. it's like - i never forget what's important in life for the most part - but it's nice to be reminded, as it's easy to get distracted. for me, this play does just that. i noticed this year that when we left people were actually smiling at each other in the elevators, holding doors. maybe it's just a coincidence - maybe it happens to me every day, but i noticed it more, and i guess that's what i mean. the story has a way of making the heart just that much kinder.

this year, for my christmas cards, i decided to quote Dickens and the play. the quote i chose is from scrooge's nephew Fred, one whose character always has a large amount of Christmas spirit.

"But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that, as a good time: a pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"

it's a perfect statement to me, and exactly the way i feel about this season. i like to think that everyone feels a little more lighthearted, even if it may not be true.

all in all, a good night to spend with my family and it felt so good to treat them for once. i realize now, as always, how very much i have to be grateful for. whether that means having a strong family, a warm place to call home, food on the table, or whatever else. i have a good life, and a lot to be thankful for. and that reinforcement, amongst good staging and acting, is why i love this play so very much.

Christmas is now in the air for me.

an exercise

i read an article today that i've had forever, but never actually read. it was from a psychology class that i took when i first started graduate school as an elective. there was a section on making goals, setting goals, and self-revelations. anyways, i was going through old books and stuff and i came back across it. the exercise is all about listing things about you. about your life. things people may not know, and things you may not even know until you find that you start thinking about it, and before you know it, you write them down. the article recommends fifty things. i've been in a little bit of a rut for the past week or so, unexplained rut. i can't seem to get to the bottom of it. i mean, life is good and all, but i guess i get like this from time to time... down on myself, trying to figure it out, whatever. so, i figured, what the hell. i'll give it a shot.

my "things"

1. i still miss my dog every day. he died five years ago. when i go to my parents house, i sometimes still think he'll be at the door.
2. i love the way my parents house smells. i don't know how to describe it, but it always smells like home. sometimes that means smelling like christmas, sometimes it means smelling like my mom's favorite plug in wall scent or whatever, but it always smells like home.
3. i still think about people from my past a lot. people that i wish i could have back in my life, but i know that it's not feasible. regardless, the traits i adored about them inspire me, and i appreciate the memories that are left behind with me and will always be around.
4. i sleep with my windows open during the winter sometimes. there's something about having a freezing apartment and a warm blanket to cuddle up under. sometimes i just love my blanket more than i love the heat being on.
5. i know i shouldn't think about things like this - but i do. i've thought about what i am going to do when my parents die a few times in my life, and it always leaves me in tears. and both of them are 100% healthy, but i can't imagine not having them around, no matter how old i am. i'm scared of that more than anything in the entire world. i never want that day to come.
6. i like places that have jukeboxes. i think it adds character.
7. i want to be an author, but i'm scared that i'll never have a story.
8. as content as i am being single, i sometimes worry that i'll never get married. it's just something i want in my life. not right now, but eventually, and i guess the thought of it not happening scares me a bit.
9. i sleep hugging a pillow, every single night.
10. i feel uncomfortable in expensive places. restaurants, stores, etc. i feel out of place.
11. i want to travel for like a year straight. just see the world, and then get back to life.
12. i already miss being twenty-two. it just seems like things were so much easier then, even though not much has changed.
13. i want to live somewhere besides chicago for awhile, because i know i will end up here. i want to do it, but i don't know if i have the guts to leave all of the people here. i'd miss my family and friends so much... i wish i was the type that could pack up and leave sometimes, but i don't know if i am at all.
14. i love christmas, and not the present part. i love the feeling. i love the way everyone just seems a little happier, and a little more merry. i hate the commercial side of it, though.
15. i complain about the winter and the cold, but i think i'm grateful for it because it makes me appreciate the rest of the year.
16. i've given up a lot of things i used to love and i don't know why. taking pictures for example, making crafts, writing way more often, reading way more often. part of it can be attributed to being really busy, but i'm not sure that's all of it.
17. i haven't driven since may, and the only thing i miss about it is listening to a good cd while driving in the rain.
18. there are several things about myself that i'd like to change.
19. i think it is weird that i can sleep through an alarm clock for an hour. a loud alarm clock. haha.
20. i really enjoy long train rides. with good music and earphones and just looking out the window. probably some of my favorite moments.
21. i feel like i'm the only female in the world who actually does not like shopping at all.
22. i don't think about my birth parents a lot, in fact, almost never. but i do wonder if they ever think about me.
23. i cry on my birthday every year. i have no idea why. usually it is about something completely unnecessary. but, every year.
24. sometimes i drive myself crazy thinking too hard.
25. i wish it was normal to wear pajamas to work :)
26. i'm a pretty independent person for the most part, but sometimes, i get pretty lonely.
27. i adore chicago. i feel like sometimes, it's my company, or my peace of mind. knowing that in the midst of whatever life throws me, there's a city full of opportunities right out my front door brings me comfort.
28. i wish i had more time to go to church. and i wish i went more often.
29. i wish that my brother would give me a chance to be a good sister.
30. in the past year or so, i've gotten comfortable going to a restaurant completely alone. and now, i actually enjoy it. it's relaxing.
31. i'm horrible with any sort of change. takes me forever to get over it.
32. in the same sense, i like routine. i need a calendar at all times. i do the same thing from start to finish in the morning every single day. i always have a to do list. crossing off an item brings this weird sense of accomplishment to me, even if it's something a simple as "laundry" or "buy stamps."
33. i love coming home when i know there are clean sheets on my bed.
34. i love reading back on this blog. it's kind of like watching a movie of my life.
35. i love a good storm, combined with a good cd, or a good book. windows open.
36. i have absolutely no idea where i'll be in a year from now. i guess that's the same as most people, but i mean, i don't even have the slightest idea.
37. i'm excited to graduate in may, i think it's a big accomplishment. at the same time, i really think i will miss it. i love learning.
38. the older i get, the more i see my mom and dad in me. it's crazy. i never believed people when they used to say that would happen. i also never thought i'd like crate and barrel and cleaning supplies. haha.
39. i wish i was more knowledgeable about the world.
40. i have a lot of things that i would like to get rid of because i don't use them, but i can't because they remind me of a time period in my life that for some reason i'm attached to.
41. i wish i was one of those people that could just lay down and fall asleep. without thinking about dumb things for two hours. haha.
42. i can't wait to have a house and decorate it. i'm so excited to have more than an apartment someday.
43. there's nothing better than a big hug.
44. i can't fall asleep without the TV on.
45. i love the mornings when i wake up early. the mornings when you have time for a little extra "me" time. whether that means a cup of coffee, or doing the dishes so you don't have to do them when you get home.
46. i never understood how bad a heartbreak is until this year. it's the worst feeling in the world.
47. i wish i did more to better the world. i think about it, but i'm only semi-proactive. i wish i did more.
48. i actually enjoy talking to strangers. even if its a 2 sentence exchange. i just like it.
49. i'm a total hypochondriac.
50. i'm grateful for everything in my life, and everyone in my life. and i need to remember that more often than i sometimes do.

you didn't come

the only good dialogue from The Lakehouse

Kate: You weren’t there, you didn’t come.

Alex: I don’t understand. Something must’ve happened. I’m sorry. I’ve got two years and we can try again.

Kate: no, Alex. It’s too late. It already happened. It didn’t work.

Alex: Don’t give up on me, Kate. What about “Persuasion”? You told me they wait, they meet again. They have another chance.

Kate: Life is not a book, Alex. And it can be over in a second. I was having lunch with my mother at Daley Plaza. And a man was killed right in front of me. He died in my arms. And I thought it can’t end just like that on Valentines Day. And I thought about all the people who love him, waiting at home, who will never see him again. Then I thought what if there is no life? What if you live your whole life and no one is waiting. So I drove to the lake house looking for any kinds of answer. And I found you. And I let my self get lost, lost in this beautiful fantasy when time just stood still. But it’s not real Alex. I have to learn to live the life that I’ve got. Please don’t write any more. Don’t try to find me. Let me let you go.

glimmers

walking down the street tonight, i had one of those moments that i like to think of as movie moments... where the scenery surrounding you is so pretty, nature comes alive, and you feel like it's almost unnatural because it's perfect. movie like.

i was walking down the street around six, up north toward where i live and watching the first snowfall in chicago. it wasn't heavy snow, or big snowflakes. it was dust, the kind that really only shows up in street lights. but it glimmers. and it offers the feelings of a new season. the nostalgia of the holidays. the feeling of something new, something fresh.

a change.

i'd be lying if i said i walked down that street today and didn't think about where i was a year ago at this time.

either way, i enjoyed it. i put on my warmest coat, and instead of taking the bus, i walked. there are only so many days that you can actually enjoy the snow, because of course, this is the mild part. but it's still pretty now. it won't be in a few weeks.

i came home and went to dinner with a friend. and were both talking about how pretty the city looked and how happy we were to be here.

i came home to someone telling me that they missed me.
that they were down today. felt gray. that it was gray there.
that they wished they were here.
wished they could see me.

it takes every bone in my body to not respond with instinct, and that first instinct is to eat it up. to take every one of those words and yell "me too!" and "i thought of you all freaking night when i walked home tonight."
but i know that i can't do that.

my second instinct is to say, "you could have had all of that."

i just wonder why it has to be like that. and why it takes someone being lonely to realize what they've lost. i sometimes just wish we, as people, could just stay in that moment. and not leave it. to have never left that place i was in about a year ago.

but then i know that we'd never appreciate the times we were in the moment. as much as i want to be the eternal optimist and believe that life can be all euphoric and wonderful and no one ever has to get hurt, i know that the reason we love and remember the moments in our lives are because in some way, they made us feel something. and unfortunately, if we never felt what it was like to not have something, if we never felt lost... if we never felt hurt, well...it would be pretty difficult to feel love.

amazing what one snowy evening can evoke.

our new president

i experienced history last night.

i went to grant park to watch the results of the election come in. i stood among hundreds of thousands of chicagoians and others, to watch these numbers collect and mean something and wait for Obama to speak.

i have never felt so much patriotism in my life.

i have never seen Chicago, as a city, seem so undivided.

i have never been so proud to be an American.

the crowd was big, but it was calm. and for awhile it was like watching TV only with about one million people... and then they announced it, early. Barack Obama would be our new president. and this crowd began to celebrate, and cheer. and cry. and for probably the first time in my life as a chicagoian, i saw this city unite. i looked around me and it wasn't segregated by race, by status, religious affiliation, or by age.

EVERYONE was there.

and i saw promise in that. sure, it's just one night, but i've never seen a presidential candidate who has been able to bring together that kind of a crowd. i can't help but see it as a glimmer of hope for our country's future. it was inspiring.

we watched McCain speak and say his part, for the most part, with respect. he spoke well and spoke positively of the outcome, and i truly believe, ended his part of the race with grace.

and then, there were about four songs. and anticipation. lots of anticipation. everyone is waiting for Obama to take the stage and speak. they played Sweet Home Chicago, and the crowd was dancing, smiling, laughing, crying.

i'll never forget it.

Obama came out and gave a speech that i know will be in my children's history classes. i have never been so moved by so few words. and i have never believed someone with so many big promises. it gave me chills. the crowd was in tears. strangers felt like friends. and there was a strong sense of unity that i will probably never forget in my whole life. i may not remember every word he said, but i'll never forget the feeling of standing amongst all of those people who all have a passion for this country to change and a common goal, and really honestly feeling like we really are all the same. we're people. we're not poor people, rich people, black people, white people. we're people. we're americans. we believe in this man and we believe in our country.

i felt it. i really did.

i'll be the first to say it - we don't know what's going to happen. anything could happen. but i believe in this man and his willingness to do everything in his power to keep his promises. i really do.

and i don't think i've seen as much american pride and unity as i saw last night. not even after 9/11.

yes we can.

good will hunting

it's still my all time favorite movie. 11 years old now--still my number one.
this is my favorite part. even reading it gives me the same emotions that the movie does. not a whole lot of movies can do that.

Sean: I was thinking about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. I stayed up half the night thinking about it, and then something occurred to me and I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep and haven't thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?

Will: No.

Sean: You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Will: Why, thank you.

Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.

Will: No.

Sean: So, if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You now a lot about him I bet. Life's work, political aspirations, the Pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. I've seen that.

If I asked you about women, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and you've been laid a few times. But you can't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.

You're a tough kid. If I asked you about war, you'd probably throw a sonnet right at me, right? Once more, until the bridge, dear friends. But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath, looking to you for help.

And if I asked you about love you'd quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and be totally vulnerable. Known that someone can level you with her eyes. Feeling that God had put an angel on earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have that love for her to be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself.
I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

I look at you and I don't see an intelligent, confident man: I see a cheeky, scared, shitless kid. But you're a genius, no one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine. You ripped my fuc***g life apart.

You're an orphan, right? Do you think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who your are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that incapsulate you?

Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because, you know what: I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some fuc***g book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you sport? You're terrified about what you might say.
Your move, Chief.

the one that got away?

i wonder a lot about that whole concept of "the one that got away." from all aspects. i wonder if i'm anyone's "one" that got away, and i wonder if mine has already gotten away too.

i really believe in the concept.

i don't get over things quickly, if ever. it's something i'm working on. being able to let things go. i think it's my best and worst asset-my sensitivity. i think on one hand, it's what makes people like me--because i care about everything and everyone. on the other hand, it sometimes means that i'm hurt too easily. catch 22 i suppose.

as much as i'd like to say the opposite, i know that i'm not over some of my ex boyfriends. of course, it's nothing like it was during the initial breakup where i was like losing sleep and whatnot. but i miss things about them.

and of course, there's things i don't miss at all. like driving myself crazy wondering what they're thinking. or having that paranoid feeling that something might be wrong between us.

yeah, i don't miss that.

i don't miss the long distance. i don't miss the ex girlfriends in the picture.

but i do miss things.

the little things. the late night talks. sleeping next to somebody. walking down the streets of my favorite city in the world, and actually being part of that whole couple thing. those couples always look so happy. i have to admit, it was nice to be on the other side of the fence and be one of those couples for awhile. to walk down the street to dinner and hold someones hand and be genuinely happy. discovering new things about each other all of the time--yeah, i miss that. brushing your teeth together in the morning. giving each other a hard time and laughing so hard that it hurts. i do, i really miss that stuff.

i've never been one to "need" somebody. in fact, i was thinking about it recently, and unless you count the children i babysit for, i'm always by myself. almost always. i'll meet friends for dinner and drinks. i see my parents once in awhile. i'll talk to someone in a store, but for the most part, i'm usually by myself. i live by myself. i run errands by myself. i even go to sit down restaurants by myself.

years ago, i think that would have bothered me. i would have felt lonely. i've kind of grown to love it. it's nice to have space, and i'd say most of the time i appreciate the space that i have. definitely. but, every once in awhile there's just that need for company... and when i don't have the option, i start to miss the times that i did.

i saw a sex and the city episode recently... the one where carrie is talking about all of her friends getting married, and having babies and whatnot... and she kind of came to the conclusion that she wasn't alone... she was dating new york city. it sounds silly i guess, but i actually totally related to it. i feel as if i'm sort of doing the same, only my city is chicago. i don't necessarily think i'm "dating" chicago, but the point was well made. you live in this wonderful city and action is all around you. things to do on every block. it's really quite welcoming to be single and there's so much to do.

i have to say though, there are nights like tonight, that i wish i had someone to talk to as i fall asleep. i miss those things.

dean told me he missed me today. too much he said. honestly, it's good to hear. it is. but it's so confusing. it was around this time last year that we really started to date. so, things remind me of him right now. the fall, the holidays... places we went together and things like that. i don't think anything will ever become of it, but who knows, i guess.

i still think about matt, too. it's strange, he had such an impact on me for some reason. he was just a good person. i'm just happy for the time we had together, regardless of how it ended. it was fun and i enjoyed it, and i loved his simplicity, his attitude, and his rebellious nature. we had a lot of fun together. it was a good summer.

just kind of thinking out loud i guess tonight.
so, until my next writing inspiration happens... night.


I guess you get used to somebody
Kinda like having them around
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy
Bring you up when you're feeling down
I never dreamed when I was letting you go that
I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody,
I guess you get used to being loved

october

just got back from indianapolis. i went to see allison for lily's first birthday, and lindsey and lisa did as well. it was a nice little college reunion. it's always fun when we're all together again. things have changed (like we exchange cleaning product suggestions and recipes instead of drinking two beers at once now) but we're all still the same. and it's always fun to talk about old times at purdue... we really did have a blast in college. i'm lucky to have such great friends. no matter where we live and how much things change, we can still get together and have a blast.

i've been pretty crazily busy lately. it's good. between two jobs and weekend babysitting, i might drive myself insane (and i start school in two weeks on top of all of that). but i like being busy. i think i forget that i like being busy sometimes... but i really do enjoy it. i think i'm meant for a fast paced lifestyle. i was bored for so so long.

i love chicago in the fall. every day makes me happy :) i love this weather.

i'm very excited to start school again. i really love learning. i kind of feel like my brain has been on a bit of a vacation this quarter. excited to start up again. i can not believe i only have four classes until i graduate! that's insane. i feel like i just started, seriously. it's actually been quite awhile though and it will be great to finish up. i think i'm going to study abroad this summer - so that's exciting. i'm deciding between sydney, bejing and rome. we'll see! pretty diverse options, i know. i have time to figure it out though.

this is a bit of a boring post... i'll try to be a little more original next time. :)

chin up

it's my favorite time of year.

the only time of the year i find myself looking around, smiling while walking around, thinking about life and the city and everything else wonderful.

fall.

i don't know what it is. i love the fall. everything about it. the fact that you can wear a sweater and flip flops at the same time. the colors. the smell. the crisp air without a coat. sleeping with the windows open. pumpkins. festivals. leaf piles. knowing that family time and holidays are around the corner. i love it all.

the first perfect day of the year to me, is the day you can leave the house in all of your favorite clothes, at once. not worrying about whether you'll be cold or hot. i love that. short sleeves, long sleeves, sandals, or socks, you're good.

i left my place this morning, and it was just one of those perfect mornings. i woke up about a half hour before my alarm went off and while usually i'd go back to bed, today i felt energized and got up. i love it when i do that. it's so nice to get ready and not be rushed, or tired. and know that you have that extra twenty minutes or so to run to starbucks or take a walk or read part of your book in the morning. i love it and i'm glad i don't do it every day, because i wouldn't appreciate that extra half hour... and time moves too fast to not appreciate a half hour once in awhile.

so this morning i got up. i got ready. i threw on a turtleneck, jeans, and flip flops... stopped at starbucks for a coffee. made a to do list. walked around chin up looking around me and just thinking about how very much i loved that moment.

not to be pessimistic, but let's just say we all know it's only weeks away when the frigid cold comes. you know what i notice the most? in the winter, it's depressing, not only because it's freezing, but because everyone walks with their head down. it's like the social aspect of the city is gone. there's no more eye contact with strangers. no more friendly morning hellos to the people you pass or the bus driver. it's just too cold to look around. and there's so much to see.

alright, enough about weather and seasons...

the past few months have been good to me. i've started working again, and maybe even too much because i'm so busy now. but, i like it. i had too much down time, i realized, and it's not good for me. i'm so much happier when i'm busy, productive, and at the end of the day, tired. i had forgotten, but i really missed all of those things in my life.

i'm not in school right now (for just this quarter) simply because i'm adjusting to these new responsibilities, and time constraints. but i'll start up again in early november. according to my advisor, i should graduate approximately one year from now. it's been pushed back a bit due to multiple things (having to drop a class, opting out this quarter, etc) but i'm fine with it. i'd rather take my time and take it all in. i love school, and i get so much more out of it when i have it in the right balance. there was a time when i was working 50 + hours a week, and taking 12 credit hours. it doesn't sound impossible, i know, but i just wasn't enjoying school, and that's not like me. i'd rather enjoy my classes, take my time, and graduate three months later than i thought i would.

and then... the big news. i've decided that i want to teach. i'm going back and forth about what to do about this. i contacted a lot of illinois schools with great MEd programs... but i don't know. something about getting another masters seems like backtracking to me, so right now i'm looking at phD programs. i've decided on this for a number of reasons: first, i've always wanted to teach college more than i've wanted to teach high school, middle school, or el ed. the reason for this? i know that i want to teach english. and not just teach english, but i want to teach it to students that want to learn english. not the langage necessarily, or linguistics, or grammar specifics... but studying literature. the written word. writing.

i want them to love it. to live it like i do. to think like a writer. to read like an author. and, i think to get those kind of students, you need to go to the higher level.

anyways, that's the plan for now. we'll see. so far i've only looked into programs in austin... and UT Austin has an awesome phD education program. i can't apply until i've completed my masters... so we'll see. but let's just say i'm not excluding the possibility of moving. i wouldn't move just anywhere, afterall, i love chicago too much to abandon it for a city less satisfying, but i'll say this--the first time i landed in austin, i thought (which i rarely think), "I could live here." and it's been in the back of my mind since. part of me, a big part, thinks i should live somewhere else for awhile. after all, i know where i'll end up (chicago). so why not? but, that's a year down the road, so i guess right now it could be considered "an idea."

enjoy this weather. and the season. it's only a few weeks long, afterall.

chin up.

Always Midnight

Are you blind?
Can't you see me standing here,
waiting in line for you?

Are you mine?
Not just when you want to be,
All of the time.
Are you?

Are you blind?
Don't you see me standing here?
Won't you tell me what it is I'm waiting to find?

with you,
It's always midnight...

fitting words

i love this quote by adam duritz. i read it every time i'm in any sort of a rut. it makes so much sense to me.

"Things only end, after all, because they once began, so maybe all these endings are just the last things that happen before something else begins. Maybe you even come to an end so that you can simply step back and take a clearer look, then see a better way to begin again. There are things I wish I could begin again. "-Adam Duritz

butterflies

i can think of few moments in my life that have given me actual butterflies--so cliche, i know. it's a strange word for it and actually a strange concept in general.

a combination of nervousness and excitement that makes your stomach flip. hmm, butteflies.

i'm on the bus right now headed to columbus to visit Brandy. the last week or so has been sort of a whirlwind of emotions for me. i'll spare the details, because it's not that important to list them--but it's kind of crazy how things can all come at once sometimes.

i'm excited to leave town. as much as i love chicago, but sometimes everyone needs to step out and get a breath of fresh and unfamiliar air.

i booked this trip in early july. and in the past week i've spoken to someone who was close to me that i've kind of spent the last two months or so guarding myself from. and guess who's moving this weekend... to cincinnati. i swear all of this stuff is sometimes a little too coincidental for a girl who puts so much thought into the possibility of fate.

i finally got what i'd been looking for since february or so--an admission of truth and feelings.

i think you are one of the most amazing people i've ever met and i don't want to lose you from my life.

Finally.
Thank You.

THERE is the person i've spent all of this time missing. i knew i didn't imagine him. and hey--sometimes, you don't realize what you are missing until it's not yours anymore.

we talked about things. REAL things. for the first time in months. a real conversation that finally got past hello and how are you. i can't even explain how refreshing it was.

you know, from the outside persepctive, i totally understand why everyone was telling me to just let it go. but the truth is - i never could. and i tried. my God did i try.

it just never worked.

i'm not good at forgetting about people, cutting them off. i'm just not built that way. my heart makes the decisions.

ironically as i've been writing this the songs on my ipod that played randomly are "Comfortable" by John Mayer and "Lose You" by Pete Yorn. combine those songs messages--and well, that explains the butterflies.

a combination of remembering and feeling once again something so comfortable... being wary at the same time, missing things but looking out for what i know is a very fragile heart.

but still fearing the possible loss of something i know once made me so happy. something i've never felt until that.

a mix of emotions.
butterflies.

you know, my parents never fought much when we were young. in fact, i only remember one real "fight." i specifically remember being confused because my mom was reading in the guest room. and well, we never used that room. being young and confused about it (and knowing WAY too many people with divorced parents) i remember asking my mom why they didn't just get divorced.

i remember that all she said was:

"I'm in love with your father Amy, even when it's not perfect."

it was a hard thing for a little girl to understand her mom saying over tears. but i get it now.

and on a bus, to columbus, over some really good music and a few tears, i'm saying the same thing to myself.

simple things

today was a thinking day for me. i guess to some extent, every day is, but i really sorted stuff out tonight. i thought about everything: working, money, life, friends, family. this list could go on forever.

i realized that i appreciate simplicity. in everything.

i like a calm environment.
i like a clean room.
i like going to bed and not setting an alarm.
i like who i'm with more than what i'm doing.

all of this made me thinking... what is it that these things have in common? what do i like?

i like the simple things in life.
i like seeing a sunset. or a sunrise.
i like when there are no expectations and i'm able to be myself.
i like flip flops that cost five dollars.
i like jeans that aren't expensive or perfect but fit well.
i like vanilla ice cream more than the flavors.

anyways, my point is this: it doesn't take a lot to make a person happy. in fact, when you aren't trying, well, those are the best times.

i anaylzed the guys i have dated, and my conclusion is that the best time i've had with someone is when we're doing nothing at all. i don't need the fancy dinners. i don't need the vacations. the times when i really remember are when we're doing something so low-key and unplanned.

i've dated both types: one that thought an expensive dinner would win me over, and one that wanted to just get off of work and feed the ducks, or play tetris.

i prefer the latter.

money doesn't matter to me, and i'm so very glad i know that early in life. i'd rather the dates where you go feed the geese the backyard, go to costco and get free samples for the hell of it, go to a pet store and pet a puppy. those are the times i remember. those are the things that stick with me.

i'm so very grateful to know that everything else doesn't matter. it's about company. it's always been about company. i can't name every restaurant/bar i've been to but i can tell you every person i've had fun with. there's something to be said about that.

Goodbye Alison

On August 5th, a sorority sister of mine, and friend, passed away after a very long and hard battle with cancer.
She was 27.
27.
The more I think about it, and the more I try to make sense of it, well, I can't. To me, it doesn't make sense.
The only conclusion I have is that she must have gone somewhere better, because her husband and family and her life was wonderful. It only makes sense that she left this world for something better.

I've been following Alison's blog and her husband Tom's blog for several years now. I was reading back, and back in 2006, a group of my sorority sisters and I sent her a care package of fun things like pajamas and coffee and candy and gift cards. It doesn't seem that long ago that we did that, and I guess that's because it wasn't.

I never knew Alison very well in school. I remember her, I remember living with her, and talking to her, but I never got to know her. After following her story, I've really felt close to her and kept her in my daily thoughts. It was heartbreaking to read, but I just kept hoping it would get better. There were ups and downs.

And then this week I was visiting Janna in Grand Rapids, and I got a text message that it was over. We sat in silence at dinner for a few minutes. There was nothing to say. Both of us were shocked--and it's weird--it's not like we never thought there may be an end in sight. I guess we just hoped there wasn't.

She was an amazing person. So creative. Such a big heart. Made such a difference in so many peoples lives. It's not fair.

I know it made me want to call everyone and tell them I love them. And stop sweating the small stuff. Stop being sad about money and ex boyfriends because I have my health, and my family, and really, it put everything in perspective.

Alison, you were and still are an inspiration to me.
The world will miss you, but I know you are at peace.

Read Tom and Alisons blog if you get the chance. It will change you.

Train Thinking

8.4.2008

On a train to Grand Rapids

I’m on a train to Grand Rapids right now, on my way to stay with Janna and see her house and get together with Steph. I decided a few months back that I needed to visit some of my friends this summer while I have the time… So I am doing this and going to see Brandy and Brian and Addi in early Sept, and Allison (with Lindsey in town!) in October. So, all of that should be exciting.

So that’s what I’m doing, but that’s not why I am writing.

I know I haven’t written in awhile—I’m not real sure the reason. It’s kind of sad, but I think I only tend to write when I am sad. I’ve thought about that a lot – and whether or not it’s weird to have that tendency and I’ve kind of concluded that some of the best writing is done when some sort of strong emotion is involved. I think in a weird way, it causes inspiration, or therapy. Something, I don’t know. But words are so much stronger when people write them out of pain, for whatever reason. I guess that’s depressing, but it’s pretty true. And it rings true for me definitely. When I write and I’m 100% happy, it’s all like “life updates,” and sometimes I get to the end of the post and I think “Does anyone actually care about this?” I don’t know. Anyways.

Something about trains makes me sad. I don’t know if it’s because I am always listening to music and looking out of a window… And there’s something movie-like about it… Don’t you feel like a lot of emotional parts of movies involve traveling on trains? That’s always when they’re listening to that sad song, looking out the window almost as if they’re looking back on their life…

Maybe I’ve seen too many movies.
Or maybe I just spend too much time on trains.

Well, most of my train rides are 45 minutes to Naperville. This one’s 4 hours. That’s about five times the songs I’ll hear than my regular train trip and even those really get to me. So, I got to thinking and I got to crying. Not totally crying, but getting choked up, and I don’t cry a lot.

You know, I had just gone through a long period of healing and forgiveness with someone that I’ve known for a very long time. When we left off, I was really hurt. It took a lot of months and a lot of thinking for me to be able to totally “heal” and live my life again, and even more months and thinking for me to be able to forgive him. I’ve learned a pretty big lesson on forgiveness as of lately. I forgave an old friend of mine who really hurt me awhile back, and I felt pretty damn good about it. I was like “Wow, I am honestly able to say that I forgive her,” and I’m definitely the first to admit that I’m stubborn. But here’s what I learned: The reason I am stubborn is because I’m protecting myself, because sometimes forgiving people is setting yourself up for disaster.

This particular forgiveness incident made me vulnerable. It made me go from not talking to him, to wanting to see him again. It made me go from waking up every day without needing that phone call or that email, to looking for it, waiting for it, and hoping to close every one of my days by saying goodnight. And for awhile that was all good and well and I somehow tricked myself into thinking this could all work again.

It was the distance.
He never really hurt me, we were just far away.
It’s worth another shot.
I can’t just let this go.
He didn’t mean to.

This was after a certain email I got about a month ago from him telling me that he read all of my old letters and wanted to tell me that he missed me. Okay, fine. I’m a girl. I’ve missed him all along. I’m sensitive by nature. This was all I needed. He was back in my life like that.

And we started to talk more and more. Everyday again. And started to talk about the future, and the possibility of living close and starting over again. And that we were both sad about how things ended. And all of those other things people talk about when they have that “I miss you,” talk. It felt SO sincere. So real. That’s the best way I can explain it. I don’t consider myself to be a stupid or naïve person, but I believed every damn word. And maybe he meant every damn word. I don’t know. I’ll never know.

So a month went by, and he was coming to Chicago on business. Busy of course, all day long. So we figured we’d make plans to see each other at night after he was done with work, but early enough so he could get a good night’s sleep before the morning work madness. It was a Tuesday. Last week.

I felt like it was my first high school dance.

Here was someone that I’d spent weeks with, who had seen me in the mornings at my worst, and yet I felt like I was sixteen again getting ready. I found myself calling my friends asking what to wear so I looked like I didn’t try too hard, but still looked my best. My heart was beating a million miles a second. I was so, so, excited. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Probably not since I picked him up at the airport for the first time last December. It’s a crazy thing that someone can make you feel sixteen again.

And he did.

A lot of my friends showed concern about me going to see him… and in hindsight, rightfully so. My answer was simply that I had to go, because, “I had to know.”

So I got ready. I did stupid girl things like wash my hair twice just so I would have that shampoo smell in my hair the whole time. Made sure each stand of my hair was perfect even though I knew it would probably get screwed up on the train anyways. Mostly though, I was coaching myself. To calm down and not to be so excited. Reminding myself that I had to stay strong that night even if I felt moments of weakness. I had to stand my ground. But all of that aside, I was as excited as a kid on Christmas.

So 8:00 rolls around, I’ve been waiting for two hours to hear from him after a business dinner… Two hours that felt like two years. Time is funny like that. And we’d been text messaging about how excited we were to see each other, acting like nothing had ever happened between us and we could just pick up where we left off. It was an easy thing to pretend because I wanted it to be true.

I could tell by his tone that things had changed. And I started to get that gut-wrenching feeling where I was fighting the reality. The reality that he didn’t really care all of that much whether or not he saw me. How did I know that?

Well, he told me that it wasn’t going to work out and I shouldn’t get on the train because he had early work meetings. Here’s the thing though, the catch…Anyone who has ever had feelings for someone knows how it goes.

You don’t care what you have to do that night.
You don’t care what you have to do in the morning.
You don’t care if you have to hitchhike to get there—you will see that person.
It’s worth it.
You will make it happen.

That wasn’t the case.

The worst part – he knows me so damn well. He knows I spent two hours getting ready (when I am pretty sure I haven’t spent more than 30 minutes since I was like 14). He knows that the minute he told me it wasn’t going to work that I was going to lose it. And it was too damn easy for him to tell me that, and for him to go to bed right after, and sleep through the night.

Well, I cried through the night. I cried, I called my Dad. And he told me, in not-as-harsh, very true words:

Amy, people who care about each other don’t do that. He’s not worth it.

And it was the hardest thing to hear. But the absolute truth. And what else are dad’s for but moments like that? I could tell it broke his heart to know that I had been treated like that. I can’t imagine how much you must hate that guy that hurts your little girl.. but all of that is beside the point. My dad is usually one to make it seem like everything is okay. And he gave it to me straight. So that is when I realized that I had to let this go.

And you know what? It was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, that night. I picked up the phone after talking to my dad, and I called him in a complete emotional, irrational state, which I have been taught since a young age not to do, but I decided this was an exception to every rule that I’d ever been taught. So I called him, and over tears told him that I didn’t think it was right what he did to me that night, and that I could never do that to someone in a million years. And honestly, I don’t remember what else I said, but I said a few more things about how horrible I felt.

And I hung up the phone. For the last time.

And honestly, for almost a week, I’ve been okay. I have actually been impressed with myself. Usually I take these things pretty rough. I’ve been doing fine though. I guess I realized that there are so many other guys who have been and are wiling to treat me right, why am I dealing with this? I was so incredibly mad. I felt so incredibly stupid. I’ve watched my friends and dumb girls do this a million times, but me? How could I have fallen for this? How could I have been so stupid?

And it took a good friend of mine to make me realize that I wasn’t the stupid one. That he was. But I sure felt like I was. Surprisingly though, I went to sleep okay that night. And the night after, and the night after. And I didn’t even want to call him or email him or talk to him.

I still don’t.

Today I did what every girl or guy needs to do in this situation, and that’s to admit to yourself once and for all that it’s over. To get rid of that picture frame in your room that you had up, not because you thought it was real, but because you weren’t willing to let go just yet. To delete his number. To get rid of the old pictures, and the old letters. To literally, erase him from your life.

Truth is, it wasn’t all that hard. That was this afternoon.

I don’t know why but it hit me on the train. It’s so weird, I’ve been totally okay and come to terms with all of this stuff for a week now and then it hit me like a damn rock today. I started getting choked up to music and stuff. It’s not so much that I want to be with him, in fact, I know I don’t. It’s that he was such a big part of my life since I was eighteen. Almost 9 years. It’s just weird to let someone go like that, regardless of the relationship.

And sure, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to miss the times we had. We had so much fun. When I write about it, it makes it sound all bad, when it was really quite the opposite. Just like I said earlier, for some reason, I talk so much less about the good stuff. I’ve never had so much fun with someone—and most of the time, doing nothing at all. That’s when it’s the best. When you don’t need plans and you still have the best time of your life. Joking around, whatever. We never stopped laughing.

But, those were just moments.
This is my life.
I have to pick up. I have to move on.

I know it’s for the best. And I know it had to be done... and I thought it would take everything I had to do it. But it didn’t. At all.

Remember how I said I was going to go see him because I had to know?

So maybe that’s why this all of this happened.

Because now, without any doubt…

I know.

my mornings

i have a new morning ritual. i wake up every morning (okay, almost every morning. but i can't sleep in these days :) and i get an iced coffee at starbucks. and then i listen to my ipod i walk a mile in my neighborhood. it started because it was such a nice day out that i thought "it's too nice to go home!" and i walked around. and then i found that i enjoyed it so much.... and it made me really productive for the day. 

something about getting out in the sunshine. okay, and the caffeine might have a little something to do with it. but, also, i found it's really good for me because there hasn't been a single day that i've walked around without thinking about how much i love this city. and so it reinforces the fact for me that i need to do what i can to stay living here. it kills so many birds with one stone: leaving my place in the morning = exercise, getting me excited for the day, and motivating me by reminding me how much i love living in this city. 

i usually never write in the morning. nights are my reflection time for the most part. but i had a particularly good morning and i thought i'd put this in writing so i don't let this little ritual go. it's good for me. 

two worthwhile stories

you ever have one of those moments where you just kind of look at your life through someone else's eyes and realize just HOW lucky you are? and all of the sudden things are put into perspective and all of the sudden instead of making "to-do" lists or laundry lists of your life problems, you're making mental lists of things you're thankful for and friends you've been meaning to call or send a card to? because you realize, life really is that short. and time really does fly. they weren't lying to us when people told us that growing up. 

anyways.

two stories that made me think like this.

the first, short and sweet as it is/was, i thought about it for three days. i still think about it.

i was walking home from walgreens and there is this homeless man who sits in the corner right outside of the walgreens i go to. and, i pass him all of the time so i always say hello but that's about it, and i keep going on my way. he's in a wheelchair and he doesn't have any legs, so i've always kind of assumed he's a veteran. but once again, that's an assumption. 

i have always liked him though, because there are homeless people that beg for things, and ones that just say hello. he's one that just says hello. he doesn't pitch a sale, and i almost think that's his way of saying "i know if you had the means, you'd help out," without saying a word. he knows he doesn't have to tell people he's homeless. we know. we know why he's sitting on that corner. and we know that he'll take a dollar or a meal if we have some to spare. anyways, instead he usually says hello, or something about the weather. never anything too pushy though--so i appreciate that about him. 

well on my way home from walgreens i see an older man stop and talk to him. i slowed down my walk because i wanted to catch some of the conversation. i heard the older man say (and who knows why he would say this), "you don't have a home, and you don't have any legs." and in the fifteen seconds that i could hear them i caught the man's response... and it really stuck with me. he said "it could be a lot worse. i could not have a soul." 

how true. 

second story. i was in the grocery store on saturday and in the bread aisle looking for some bread to make sandwiches, whatever. anyways, i never really know what to buy and i don't necessarily have favorites so sometimes it takes me forever in an aisle. i must have looked puzzled or something because this woman started talking to me about which bread she eats and how it's lower in sodium, etc. she was probably late 60's. somehow her talking to me about bread led to us talking for forty five minutes. i have to admit part of the time i was frustrated, thinking things like "okay i have raw chicken in my basket, need to get home!" but i could tell that she just wanted someone to talk to, and she liked to talk. so, i listened. after all, it's just chicken. 

and we got to talking about everything, in the middle of the store. what food is good to buy when you live alone, what i want to do after school, what she does for work and her travels and men and life and wow. before i knew it, i knew this woman's life. and she knew some of mine. she mentioned a few times things about living by herself, and living down the street, always being on the road, etc. i could tell (by these subtle comments) that she was lonely. i'd guess either widowed or not ever married, no kids. and i got to thinking "gosh, that is really so true. when you're at that point in your life and you're not married and you don't have kids... who DO you talk to?" i can't imagine. 

so, we finally ended our conversation, and it was because she said something like "you should really go, i know you have a life." and i responded something like "not really!" and later, i thought about it and how lucky i am to have ten people to call if i want to talk about my day. it made me sad for her. when we were walking away she wished me luck and she said "you were really great to talk to. really. this was the best part of my whole day." it was so nice. she made my day too, when she said that. and immediately i felt bad for being frustrated and rushed during the conversation at times. and i learned a very valuable lesson on saturday--to always listen. you never know how much it may mean to someone. 

i certainly know it made me realize how much i take for granted. having a cell phone full of friends and family to call if something exciting or bad happens. 

so, two awakening sort of moments for me. and i wanted to remember them. and share them. that's all for now. 

updates and such

i feel like i used to be much better at keeping up with this thing :) i've been checking out all of my friends blogs and such and i realized that i'm totally neglecting mine. not sure what the reason for that is.

life is good. so excited for summer in the city. it's my favorite time of year, when i can sleep with my windows open and turn the heat off, but i don't need A/C yet. the city just comes alive when it gets warm outside. it's one of my favorite things about living somewhere with four seasons--the warmth is just so appreciated when it comes. i swear, the first day the sun is out people are in flip flops and crowding any restaurant or bar with patios. the sidewalks get crowded again and everyone just seems to kind of come out of this winter hibernation or what have you. i guess you don't have much of a choice when you live in chicago--it's hard to get really excited to get outside and do something when it's like a -20 windchill. so, needless to say, i'm ready for spring. and i think everyone here is! 

just wrapping up my spring classes, 2 more weeks! i'm taking 3 this summer which is going to be a lot, but i figured out that i can either then a) graduate in november (if i take 3 in the fall) or graduate in february if i decide to take my capstone class alone. we'll see, it will just depend. anyways, so exciting! the end is in sight! i can't wait to be done with my masters, it's been so much work, but i've loved it and i've learned a lot. it's still nice to know that i won't be in school forever though. for awhile it seemed that way!

it was my dad's birthday this past weekend. i can not believe my parents are 59. i guess i realized it, but it just seemed so weird to hear it... i just remember when i thought that was so old! and now that my parents are almost 60, it doesn't seem that old anymore. i know i shouldn't think about it, but i can't help but get sad about them getting older. i know it's more important to focus on the here and now, but still. anyways, spent some time with my family this past weekend--which is always very relaxing. i love being home. i also got to hang out with annie and aj and ava so that was great. all of my favorites in a weekend.

so, my brother moved back home. kind of weird. he hasn't lived at home since he was 18, and he's 30 now, so i think it's a pretty big adjustment for both my parents and my brother. it will be interesting! it was kind of hard to be home and watching him move in because we're just so different. it ended up upsetting me because i just think he takes the niceness of my parents to an extreme and takes advantage of them. i got really upset about it--almost like he's taking over their house. usually i don't want to leave my parents house, i couldn't wait to get back home. it's kind of been off my mind since then.

my car left chicago last night :-/ haha. my dad came to get it because i was in an accident a few months ago with this lady that was drunk and it's taking forever for her charges to go through and therefore get my car fixed. plus, i really don't use my car and it was costing a fortune to keep in the city for something i don't use. so, now it's in my parents garage. it will be an adjustment when it comes to grocery shopping and stuff like that, but i'll live. i'm just used to having it! at least i know it's safe... i've never really had to be 100% city girl as far as carrying groceries for blocks and taking public transportation everywhere, but i'm learning as i go... maybe i'll be a pro soon! i've gotten good at taking the bus to the train to get to my parents house... haha, it's a start.

i'm still loving my apartment. i don't think i'm going to move this october. i kind of thought maybe i should try a new area when my lease was up in october, but, i don't know. i'm so comfortable here. i like my building. i don't want to go through moving again. plus, i basically bought my things to fit in this apartment and it just feels so much like home now. i don't know if i can leave just yet... :) we'll see, few months to decide. i do love it here though. and i love my neighborhood. and i love being so close to school!

i have to say, things have been pretty good the past month or so. i can't complain. i've been a lot happier and i think it's because i found peace of mind in the fact that i can't count on other people to make me happy. i tend to do that. i need to do what's best for me. and sometimes that means that i have to let things go that i don't want to let go. all of the things with dean, they were tough, they still are. there are things that remind me of him all over this city. there are songs that remind me of him crowding my playlist. but it takes time and i know that. and i know that i will be just fine and that i deserve someone that is going to ask how my day is. and someone who isn't going to be who i wish they were, but is going to be exactly who they are. 

there's a great song by kate voegele called "wish you were." and i love this one line in it... 

"cause i've seen your act and i know all the facts, 

i'm still in love with who i wish you were." 

that's kind of how it is. i do miss him, i won't lie. but it's who i wish he was. not who i (unfortunately) found out that he was. nothing's perfect and i know that. the worst part is, at the end of that song, it says the same line, but then ends with 

"i'm still in love with who i wish you were,

 i wish you were here..." 

and i have to admit, there are days and nights that i do wish that he was here. i had a dream a few days ago that we were just hanging out in my place, like we used to when he'd come to visit, and the weirdest thing is... the part i remember most is this really big hug he gave me in my kitchen in the dream. i woke up and i felt like i had just seen him. i do miss that stuff, we had a lot of fun together. 

it will take time but i'm a strong girl with way too much confidence to let this bring me down anymore. it's getting better all the time... and waking up to a sunny day certainly helps things. 

until next time :) happy spring. 

i'm sitting in my apartment right now on a rainy night in chicago, listening to my newest cd, jackson browne solo acoustic volume 2. it's a perfect night for a cd like this. it's reflective, it's honest, and the lyrics are amazing. i've always loved music more on rainy days... there's something about it.

still interviewing. trying to find the right fit. i'm hanging in there. i know i'll find a good job, i just know it. :) whenever i need to lift my spirits i read my last post, because it's absolutely true. and i guess it's easy to get lost in the scheme of things sometimes, so rereading yourself think is something i can be very grateful for. 

i should say, due to last posts, that dean and i are through. the best i can make of it is that some things just aren't meant to be. and hey, it's always better to find that out sooner than later. i won't go into detail, but i'll just say that i still think he's a good person and our situations just weren't right. i watched cast away a few weeks ago, and i remembered a post i wrote years ago about that movie. i really love that movie. i mean, i hate the duration of it. i hate the hour on the island that gets kind of boring. but, i love the premise. that kelly kept him alive on that island. and the end, well, it's sad. and he comes home and realizes she was married after she had kept him alive that whole time on that island. but, as with anything, his life went on, and that's how the movie ends. i still love that quote that says, "I know what I need to do now, I need to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise." it's so true. we all have our own definitions of "the end of the world." but the truth is, that's all in our heads. there is so much that this world has to offer me, you, all of us. and, i seem to keep using these cliche phrases, but its really true that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. or, as robert frost said "In three words I can sum up what I know about life... it goes on." and it does. it always does. 

i'm happier than i've been in awhile. maybe that's just what i needed you know? to know that it wouldn't work, rather than to wonder. or to hope that maybe, someday, who knows? maybe it will. but i'm not staying up all night anymore. and i'm not crying or feeling bad for myself. i'm moving forward. it's a great thing. 

anyways, just wanted to post. and, i have to put these lyrics on here simply because i think they're the most amazing written words i've ever seen/heard. jackson browne is an amazing lyricist. i look up to anyone that can write the way he does.

at the risk of sounding cliche...

i haven't written in so long.

let's see... a lot has happened since my last post. first and foremost, i'm not in the rut that i was back then, feeling behind in life and whatnot. i've realized, with the help of a lot of good friends, family, and of course pensive thinking--my potential. it's something i've always known, but it's easy to get caught up in the mess.

i've had a lot of interviews, but unfortunately, nothing amazing as of yet. no good fit. i'm keeping at it. i'm applying to jobs every day and hearing back from them pretty often. it's keeping me busy along with school. i do love school. i'm so happy i stuck with it. i can't wait to graduate, and i can't believe it's so soon.

at the risk of sound cliche, i had an awakening on the train the other day. the train... something i used to avoid at all costs. then, i got in a car accident and now i realize how much i've taken for granted about having a car. it's really insane how used to it i am. i've had a car since i was 16, a working car. public transportation is something new to me.

anyways, the point is i was on the train after spending easter weekend with my dad. my mom was visiting her dad who is getting older, and pretty sick, so it was just my dad and i. we had a great weekend. on the train back i was looking out the window, listening to music and i realized once again how grateful i am. i have such a wonderful family, and when it gets down to it, friends that would be there for me at the drop of a hat. no matter how much i go through, i've really never felt alone. there's always someone that's willing to listen, always someone i can turn to. it's what makes everything worth it for me. i felt like i was in a movie scene looking out of the train window and just figuring everything out. i guess i've done a lot of thinking recently. i'm so optimistic about my future now. i just need to find the right fit :)

life is good. 

life as of lately

my sleep schedule is all messed up. i was on a good track for awhile, not sure what happened. anyways, i have some things on my mind so i felt like the best thing to do... was write. a few weeks ago in class i had to give a "passion speech." the reason my teacher does this, is because she said there was a time in her career path and in her life that she actually forgot what her passion was. she had been working too much. and so, she wanted us to think of that before it's too late.

i thought about it for a long time--and i kept returning to the same thing--writing. and i didn't prepare at all, just got up and spoke. and one of the things that i found came out of my mouth without me even realizing it was that it helps me to sleep at night if a lot is on my mind. it's like talking to someone, except for some reason way more healing. it's like i'm able to drive myself crazy by thinking in circles, but if i get it all out on paper, somehow it seems to make more sense and i can relax. i don't know... but anyways, that's what i'm up to right now. trying to get some clarity of sorts.

let's see--news, my best friend anne had her baby on feb 2. her name is ava maddison and she is so adorable. i'm so happy for her. i can't wait to meet the little girl--i haven't been able to get out to naperville yet because my car needs to be repaired (got hit by a drunk driver, luckily i was okay), and it's hard to get back and forth with school at night. but i can't wait to meet the little girl. she's sooo cute.

in my life i'm still going crazy with the job search. i had a couple of what i thought were awesome interviews, and then they hired someone else. i forgot about how taxing the job search is... because after a good interview, even though i try my best not to promise myself anything, i sort of get my hopes up. and then you get that call, or actually it's usually an email, after waiting a week hoping they pick you--and they found someone else. and then it's back to sending out the resumes and hoping for an interview. it's just so frustrating--it's kind of hard to keep your head up. i know that it's what i need in my life though because i'm driving myself crazy having too much time on my hands. i think i enjoyed it for awhile, but with all of my friends and family being so busy, it's not that fun to be home by myself all of the time. i miss being productive. i've tried to replace it with other things--but the reality is, i really really want to work again. school keeps me busy, but not busy enough. so, i'm trying to keep my head up and keep going with this job search thing. i know i'll find the right one, it's just a waiting game. i know in the end it will be better because i was not happy at loyola. i was dragging myself to work. it took hindsight for me to realize that, but seriously i am so glad i didn't get stuck there. i just need to find something else, something i love.

but, the process, i have to admit, is really getting me down at times.

this may sound kind of crazy i guess, but i just sort of feel "behind" for the first time in my life. it's hard for me, because i was always the one that got the good grades, i got a great first job right out of college, moved to the city... had a paid off car. for awhile there i was really living the life for being young. and now it's like, and i know i shouldn't compare myself to other people but i guess you can't help it, my friends are married and having kids, with stable, awesome jobs. their life is just moving forward and i kind of feel like i'm missing out. i just don't want to wake up and be 40 i guess. i know that's super pessimistic, but that's how i've kinda been thinking as of lately.

man, i haven't cried about this yet but i have to admit i just started tearing up writing this. i guess because i just faced something i've been trying my hardest to put on the back burner. but, the words just came out of my mouth.

i know all of this can be solved and i know i can get back to being successful... but this time is hard. i just feel really behind, and i guess like i'm wasting my time. i live in this awesome city but a lot of times i feel so alone because my friends are all so busy... working, dating, going to school, whatever. and i'm just kind of sitting here watching it happen.

i hate to focus on this--but just to put things in perspective--in a week i literally got two job rejections that i really thought i had a good chance at, i got in a pretty bad car accident and my car's messed up, i found out that i got accepted into a study abroad program but they need a activity fee that i just can't afford right now, the boy i like and want to see lives across the country... and there's a lot of things i think about every day that i can't even begin to understand regarding my personal life. it just seems to all be happening at once.

i miss when i was so happy with my life. i need to get that back.

i know that i need to be proactive, and i can't let myself just stay in this slump. it's affecting areas of my life that i don't want it to. i don't say a lot sometimes because i don't want to hear it myself, but also because i don't want to bring other people down with issues that i ultimately have to handle myself. let's just say i can't wait until its months from now or a year from now or whatever and i can look back on this post and go "thank god i don't feel that way anymore."

there are much more important things to focus on right now--my best friend just had a baby, one of my other best friends just got engaged and asked me to stand up in her wedding, i have awesome parents and friends and i have so many people to depend on if i ever need a hand. i know that's how i need to be thinking. and believe me, i do know how lucky i am. i really do. all of this will fall into place, i know i can handle it!

anyways, i feel better... goodnight.

on humanity

i've been babysitting all week, and like my last post sort of mentioned, i've been a little down. several times it has crossed my mind "wouldn't it be nice to be three again?" i literally watch these kids whos day consists of playing, being cooked for, taken care of, and okay, occasionally corrected but still... their life is as simple as it's ever going to be--and they have no idea.

well today i realized when neala stuck her hand in an umbrella and pinched it, pretty bad. i mean i would have probably been tearing up, and shes three... and you know what she wanted? a bandaid, and for me to hold her on the couch. "i want amy on the couch, i want amy to hold me on the couch. i'm all better." and this may be a little "grey's anatomy type writing" but i thought for a second... maybe kids and adults aren't so different.

my point is this: we all explore things, take the chance of getting hurt, and then once we do, all we want at the end of the day is somebody to hold us and make us "all better." maybe that is one thing that doesn't change, from 3 to 30 to 60 to 100. we all just want to feel loved when we're hurt.

2008 update

the visit was awesome. we had so much fun, and i think we met a new comfort level which was a lot of fun too. the first visit was a lot of figuring each other out, this visit was a lot more relaxed, teasing each other, that kind of thing. it's always refreshing to know that you can let your guard down and just totally be yourself.

new years was great. we really didn't do much which was exactly what i wanted. i kind of feel like when you are with someone you care about, it doesn't matter what you do. originally i thought we needed plans, and then i realized, it's just another night. what did we do? we went to buffalo wild wings, played trivia, ate boneless wings, drank blue moon, and went back to my apartment to watch the countdowns and bring in the new year. haha. i loved it, it was laid back, and perfect, and it was us.

we did a lot of other fun things, too bad it was freezing so it wasn't easy to do much. the warm weather came this week, go figure, but we made the best of it. dean got to go eat all of his favorite missed chicago foods, and i got to introduce him to cafe iberico! and wildfire to meet the parents, which went really well. they really liked him, even my dad who is protective, so, that was impressive. i knew they would, but still. the visit was great. i couldn't imagine a better new years.

of course, the airport is never easy. it comes to that airport day and i wake up in the morning knowing, this is going to be a hard day... and then it is. we try to avoid it during lunch, but then it comes time that i have to drop him off, and it sucks. i've been trying to see it in a new light - think how much fun we had instead of - who knows when i'll see you next. but it's always hard to be that positive when you've had an awesome week with someone who's going to fly back across the country, for a few months probably. but, we said goodbye, and i really thought i was going to be stronger this time. nope, i cried the whole ride home. but, i guess a combination of a happy and a sad cry. certain songs still make me tear up, but it's just because i wish he was here. anyways...all in all, i couldn't ask for a person who respects me more and treats me better. he's really such a gentleman, and so much fun, and we have a blast together. i'm so grateful to have him in my life and that i had him in chicago to bring in 2008.

other updates, i haven't really been myself lately and i really noticed it because of my relationships. i started to kind of let go of things and people i care a lot about, or make irrational decisions/arguments, and not really know what to attribute them to. well, i think a combination of people made me realize (not by telling me, but by talking to me) that somethings missing in my life. like, there is some part of me that is not completely satisified and it's affecting the way i treat others and the way i think about myself. so, i've been trying to combat that. going to bed earlier, applying for more jobs, going on interviews, and just trying to occupy my time more, whether that means getting out in the morning and going for a run, or just waking up and doing laundry, just doing something with my day. it's amazing how much better i feel about myself when i'm productive. it's something i never realized when i was working because i was overworking myself, so i didn't have any "me" time. now i have too much of it. i've always been a deep thinker, and i guess i need to limit my "thinking" time to keep myself sane. if i think about something long enough, i can turn almost anything into a disaster. and that is the last thing i want.

i have so much going for me right now, i just need to get back on the ball. when i was working 50 hours a week, babysitting 10, and going to school 6, sure, i was tired, but i was satisified. at the end of the day, all i wanted to do was sleep, but i slept well because i knew that i really got things done and i was moving forward with my career and my education and that felt good. sure, at times i felt like i was paying rent just to "sleep here" and i didn't feel like i had time to get together with friends for dinner and stuff like that, and that gets tough too. but lately, i've really let myself slip into this comfortable do what you want all day sort of attitude... and i've really gotten way too comfortable with it to be honest. i miss being more motivated, and having a really detailed to-do list. and goals. lots of goals. some that i knew would take me ten years, but i knew i would do them, and some that would get done by the end of the week. i've always been a really motivated person and i'm not sure what happened to me as of lately.

christmas break really made me realize it because the kids were out of town, and my school is on break, and all of the sudden i had NOTHING to do. it was like, i never thought i'd be this way at 26. i always saw myself as an overachiever, because i always was, and i've almost turned into the opposite. i'm not beating myself up yet, it's only been like 3 months without a job, but i know what i need to do and that is to get back on track. occupy my day. it might take me a little bit to find a job, but i can find other things to do. i need to get out, figure out what i want in life and i need to go get it. because it's not fair to me and my potential not to do so, and it's not fair to the people in my life that i'm ending up taking this lack of self-satisfaction out on. i'm just happy i've placed the problem. now it's time to go do something about it. will update. happy new year :)

the way i see it

it's been awhile, i know! my writing has lacked inspiration lately, i suppose, and i really attribute that to the fact that things have been exceptionally well in my life lately. i read my christmas blog from last year the other day, and i realized how much i need to start writing again. i love that i have moments documented, so i need to keep that up.

So what's new? well... the best thing is that dean came back into my life. i mean he was always in it, but he came back completely. we spent a day together back in october, and we had so much fun. it was more natural than i can explain. i was watching sleepless in seattle the other night and they kept talking about how they felt "magic." and thats how they knew. i can honestly say i felt that. sounds cheesy, i know, but we talked all night, and finally, it felt like home.

i've been scared to trust boys since my last incident. in fact, for awhile i thought i wanted to pursue my education and my career and not even worry about any of that other stuff for awhile. but my opinion has changed.

we click. thats the best way to explain it. we just absolutely click. it's to the point that i can predict what he says sometimes, and vice versa. and we just get each other. i don't know if i've ever had that with someone as much as i have it with him.

i feel weird publically posting this, i guess. but a lot of people don't check my blog and i always need to write things down... so, either way, this is how i work. i like to remember great moments... so, if that takes writing them down, so be it.

i always think about my grandma lanie (dad's mom). she was on her death bed, literally, so out of it and she said to me "i want you to have my diaries, and i want you to be a writer. never give that up." and i don't want to. for her, and for me.

anyways, dean came back a month later to visit me. it meant the world to me that he came, and not only that, but we spent 5 days together that just felt so normal. and beyond normal even. natural. we had so much fun together, and we really didn't do much at all... if it makes sense, doing nothing at all and having fun seems so much more impressionable than doing a lot and not feeling anything. i loved our time together. it was great.

he is coming back to visit me over the new year, and i can't think of a better way to bring in the new year. it's been a little bit of a rough year for me: heartbreaks, losing my job, being completely stressed by having no freetime for awhile... i can't think of any better way to start the new year with someone i sincerely care about.

really, i believe in fate. it sounds a little generic, i guess. life is crazy though. i mean, we've known each other forever, and neither of us would have predicted that this would happen... but it's really changing my life. actually, it's turned my perspective on things upside down. i used to be one of those independent girls that thought, i'll be fine on my own, etc. but, you meet someone and that changes in you... and if it's not forever, well, okay. but right now i can honestly say it feels like forever. i'm a very happy girl.

i told him he makes me feel like the only girl in the room. and thats so true. and i guess that's all i ever really wanted. i don't need to be the center of attention. in fact i don't WANT to be the center of attention. but i love that i'm his center of attention, if that makes sense. the best thing about it is that everything about us just feels like home. like sitting at my parents house at christmas. that kind of home. let loose in your pajamas kind of home. so, anyways, enough lovey dovey talk :) . but, i'm incredibly lucky that i met someone that adores me as much as i adore him.

i think it's going to be a great year.
:)

merry christmas, everyone.

finding my "niche"

so over the past 3 weeks i've done a lot, and i mean a LOT of thinking. it started off with sending out hundreds of resumes, and getting frustrated with phone calls of BS job/interview offers, getting my hopes up for a career that sounds perfect and not hearing back, etc.

and then one night i was sitting in class and i realized something... how much i love class. how much i have loved my classes since i started my program at loyola, and how much more i looked forward to school than work. i've always loved school, but i mean, i leave these classes thinking about them for days. they inspire me.

and then in my marketing class we had a guest speaker--and she was an entrepreneur, that (get this) made chocolates from natural ingredients inspired by her world travels. it's this totally crazy concept, but i'm sitting here looking at this girl who is like 30, and completely successful because she followed her heart and didn't care what everyone else defined "success" as and just totally went on a limb and followed her heart. she started making chocolates in her apartment, and now charges $40.00 a box. i'm not saying i want to make chocolates... but

i've made the decision to go to school full time. i think it's what makes me truly happy, and i think until i graduate i'll be accepting jobs that i just think are "okay." and i think i deserve more than that. i've learned about working in the real world, dealing with difficult people, and falling asleep at my desk because i just didn't love what i was doing anymore. i'm done with that. i want to love my job, and i want to love it as soon as possible.

i'm going to nanny full time to pay for my apartment (and my life) and go to school 4 nights a week. i signed up for my classes this week. of course this was a little easier to decide when my classes were paid for, but student loans aren't the end of the world. education is an investment. it's not like i'm buying a porsche. :)

i'm happy with my decision, and i'm really kinda following my heart without thinking too hard about it. hopefully, that turns out to be the right decision.

the best part about it is, i really got out of the rut i was in. i spent about a week feeling bad for myself after i lost my job, and i guess a little ashamed... and one day i was on my way to class and i just thought "this is what makes me happy, productivity. and you know what isn't productive? feeling sorry for yourself." so, i quit that right then and there. and i made myself busy, updating resumes, spending time reading, taking up more babysitting opportunites, and hanging out with my friends.

and ever since then, i've kinda slowly figured things out. i'm excited for this next quarter, i think i'm going to be very happy with my decision, i really do... wish me luck :)

a boring update

A lot has happened for me. It took me awhile to admit it, I guess. I lost my job a few weeks ago. Rough at first, I guess, but in hindsight, I was so unhappy there and I wasn't myself. "You are not defined be your job." That is what my dad says. I am not sure if he's just being a dad or not, but it's comforting regardless.
I have to admit I've enjoyed the solo time. I love Chicago. I love my apartment. I wouldn't change a thing. I really believe I will find a job that I truly love and I'm still confident everything happens for a reason. Anyways, just a brief update. :)

"i haven't seen the sun for weeks,
too long, too far from home.i
feel just like i'm sinking.
and i claw for solid ground.
pulled down by the undertoe.
never thought i could feel so low.
oh darkness i feel like letting go.
follow the strength and all the courage
come and lift me from this place."

renewed my lease!

well... i have absolutely learned to love chicago. it's been almost a year since i've been down here. the only reason i know is because i renewed my lease, seriously. i feel like it was just yesterday i moved down here.

everytime i get upset about paying my rent i think about the times i walk home and it's just me and the city lights. and i realize this is where i am meant to be, right here, right now.

i have been through a lot of changes. almost all good changes. and even the bad--turned out to be good. life really does always go on.

i'm so happy with where i am right now and i have so many people to thank for that. i'm so thankful to god for teaching me independence, i'm so thankful to my parents for believing in me no matter what, and i'm so incredibly thankful to my friends for helping me through any tough time i've come across. or even a happy time--acknowledging that. seriously, i know i don't say it enough but i hope that you all know what you mean to me. this has been one of the best years of my life, and i could not have done it without any of you.

much love.

blast from the past

found an old journal in a drawer tonight. and i found an old entry, well, a few old entries, that i just want to make sure "stick around." i used to believe in writing by hand instead of typing, since computers are not necessarily reliable, and i think there's something to say about things that are handwritten. but i've changed my mind about all that. maybe it's caving in to technology, i don't know what to call it. either way, here's some entries from 2004. oh and by the way, the outside of this journal says "do one thing everyday that scares you. -eleanor roosevelt."

2.4.04

do one thing everyday that scares you--interesting concept huh? i bet that you do anyways, but probably not on purpose. i don't know, i think it's a neat little way to remind yourself to live fully, daily. that's why i picked this book up. it just caught me.

one thing i've learned very recently--and i think it's only because i am actually growing up--but how important it is to surround yourself with people whose lifestyles you respect.

people feed off each other unintentionally.
happens all of the time.

it's also so weird how some people just stick with you. like effortlessly. you'll be friends your entire life. you just, for whatever reason, understand each other.

i guess no one can take that away. life is crazy like that. some things never falter.
__

2.4.04 (separate entry)

wouldn't it be amazing if it were acceptable for people to just let go of inhibitions and tell each other how we feel about them?

it sucks how we're all so scared all of the time.

sure, you'd get some bad stuff. wouldn't the good stuff be worth it though?

twenty people could love me right now and be too scared to speak up. yeah right... but

i think abut how many people i've never told, and the possible things that may have happened if i did. they may not have, but they may have.

and well, there's a lot of room to wonder how much we don't know.

in a way, what a waste... wow.
___

2.4.04 (l0ve this one, gotta love college)

what is the point of me knowing about linguistics? i want to wite--BUT NOT WRITE A DICTIONARY.

i'm ditching class today--target instead. linguistics is a lot harder to learn about... but Target is a lot more fun.

__

2.5.o5

isn't it sad how you can spend all night or day building thoughts on something--trying to figure it all out... and meanwhile the person/thing you're thinking about could be on the other side of the world--livin' life and havin' fun... with no idea how much you are trying to understand.

it's good to care about everything--but sometimes it's hard.

__

2.10.04 (i stopped after this for some reason)

i realized in class today that i have a passion for what i'm going to do with my life. it really gets to me when people are close-minded about their interests as opposted to other people's because people are SO diffeent. i may not be a math major, or a prelaw major and maybe math people and lawyers are viewed as successful... but to be honest, i could care less about being viewed as successful. i want to be viewed as myself.

i've just heard comments on that sort of thinglately. my parents never pressured me toward success--but always told me to follow my heart.

senior year in college, in english 515, i find out that not only were they right...
i listened to them.

more than a teacher

So I finished up my last class of the quarter... And I was taking my final tonight... 15 multiple choice, 15 true/false, 8 short answer, 2 essays... and then the following paragraph at the bottom of our test:
"Hey I really enjoyed you guys. Thanks. You started off so quiet and ended up so talkative. There's always variations between classes but this is the first time I've seen one within the class. Hold on to your enthusiasm--it's an asset. Hope this class and your program is useful to you now and later in life. Never hesitate to call if you have a question--Just because I'm not your teacher next quarter doesn't mean I'm not a friend. Prof. Smith."

I had tears in my eyes. I love when teachers are more than just teachers. It's so rewarding to know they think highly of you (similar to the way you think highly of them). I was just telling my dad last night how school is such a collaborative thing. It comes from the class just as much as it comes from the teacher... I love the feeling of being finished with a class, but it's bittersweet too because I almost feel like after 3 months of spending 3 hours on Thursday nights in this classroom that it's part of my life... and I have somewhat of a relationship with my class.

I was leaving and I turned in my exam and my professor whispered to me "Good luck." And I don't know, it just made me sad. Like for some reason that I'd never see him again, probably, but he taught me so much and I respected him so much. At the same time, it's a good feeling to hand in that final and know you are done. :)

Anyways, heres to being half done with my masters!

amazing

These moments of inspiration, for want of a better word, are moments of transparency really. The thing that gets in the way of our lives, not let alone in creativity, most of the time is our brain, which steps in as sort of an editor from what we’re seeing and receiving from our senses. And adds sort of consciousness to it. And we become aware, and it obstructs our progress in sort of spiritual ways. So, theres a spiritual element to making music.

When inspiration comes, you’ve somehow disengaged your consciousness just a touch. The flow of images comes, and it comes so quickly and so freshly that you know it’s just a transperncy really. You’ve managed to remove the barrier, and you’re just reaching straight in to the good stuff. Then all you’re using your brain to do is as the process plays itself out, you arrange, like a collage, oh that image would be better there… or maybe I could use that in the chorus. And you start to just swipe in to the process enough, to know that when these things come out fully formed, you’re less involved in a sense. And it’s only afterwards people make up how wonderful they are, and their ego tells them how great it is that they’ve written these things. Really, the act of writing good music is to get rid of all that, to get away from ego, and just touch the purity of things and see them for what they are. It’s a fantastic feeling.

It’s similar to what happens when you connect with a song in front of a crowd, but different, much more crowded. In a way, it’s much more intense, but quieter.

i love david gray.

David Gray...
"Following White Ladder, and in it's infancy, White Ladder took so long to break everywhere. We released it in 1998, which is a shocking fact. I mean we were still touring it in the summer of 2001. Three years. So I very much missed a beat, creatively I think. Although what I got in return was an utterly changed world in terms of my career and my sort of prospects as a recording artist. But there was certainly a price to pay. Very early on in 1990 when we cut Lost Songs, when it came to the followup, the world had changed into the latent psychology that kicks in after the success, It's like you've all been drinking the champagne, thinking an I believe that I'm here? What seems to be sitting on top of the world, or Radio City, or wherever you happen to be. And the next thing is making another record. Obviously things changed in my life.

My dad died during this last bit of touring we did. And that really sort of knocked my success. And it was almost like there was some sort of trade off. Here's success, but we'll take your dad. That was very much the emotional tone. The writing that came next was very raw and sincere. And that doesn't mean that the songs that I wrote were any good. Just that it was very real.
So it's sort of a prevailing mood. Very downbeat from what I was writing. Which was hardly the sort of follow up to a sort of pop smash, that you might have wished for. But it's just what came out."

life, good friends, counting crows, and moving on

so, since the last post my life has managed to get even more insane. i don't know what is happening seriously, or how to get ahold of it. i guess just one step at a time. regardless....

friday-i went to iss' jordan and lisa's after work in an attempt to get my mind off stuff. we went to dinner and sat outside (it was so pretty out, and actually for once you could see stars in chicago. so maybe it was only like 4, but still)... then i went out with lisa to meet some of her friends for a bit and chat about life and then we decided to call it a night. so we went back to their place, and as i'm on the way back to my apartment listening to music and seriously starving for my bed, danielle calls me and says "hey, dave and i are sitting outside at this great place with great music... come!" and it just sounded good enough to turn around my car in the parking garage and take a cab over to bucktown.

so, an hour in bucktown turns into several hours of me and danielle talking... until the sun comes up. it's weird how time passes so quick when you get into things and you're hearing sound advice from a really good friend. i was volunteering early in the morning for chicago cares and painting chicago public schools, but sleep just didn't seem important at the time. i still think i made the right decision.

it gets to be around 5 am and neither of us are tired. danielle told me she'd volunteer with me and she had clothes for us to wear that can get paint on them, so this is sounding perfect. we made the decision to not go to sleep. instead around 6:30 we went to my place, made coffee, and headed to serveathon.... which, tired as we were, was awesome.

it's just so nice to know you did something so amazing with your day. seriously, put a bunch of hands together and split them up across the city and change these schools for kids that really don't know much else. as much as it seemed so easy for us, we left that school a different place. those kids are going to have a totally different and more positive learning environment... so rewarding. what else would i be doing on a saturday afternoon? maybe sleeping? shopping? watching a movie? this was time well spent.

so after the serveathon we were celebrating father's day at my parents house by having a barbeque... so i got home and as much as i wanted to go to bed i got in the car and drove home. well, i get to naperville and i'm turning right on ogden to head to my parents house and i get in a fender bender... Great. we pull over, exchange insurance, cop comes, blah blah blah. everythings fine and i get a ticket. i told the cop how i was going to celebrate an early fathers day at my parents, he tells me he hopes my night gets better, and i'm on my way.

i'm at my parents house maybe fifteen minutes when the doorbell rings. i hear someone ask for me and i'm confused like "who knows i'm even at home? who really even lives in naperville anymore?" and i look and it's the cop. haha. he tells me he has more news for me. apparently i was supposed to get my vehicle emissions test for illinois by last wednesday (which i did not know because the notices go to my parents' house). so they suspended my license? so the cop told me he can't justify arresting me when i have a car that will pass and it was a misunderstanding, but he has to write me a second ticket (which will go away-- once i go take care of some things). so that was interesting. my aunt and uncle were over, and my neighbors (whom i've never met) saw the cop in the driveway. awesome.

meanwhile, as i'm getting this accident stuff sorted out i call my parents and tell them what's going on and to go ahead and eat. my dad tells me "well i just told chip (my brother) so i guess i should tell you too... i got fired on friday." needless to say i'm shocked, sad for him, list goes on and on. but i'm also trying to file an accident report. we'd talk about it when i got home.

i get home, open the garage door with my opener only to find that only my mom's sebring is in the garage, but parked right in the middle. this isn't a normal move for my parents. their cars are almost always perfectly strategically parked on their side with just enough room to get out. immediately i'm like "oh my god, they already took the car?" i mean, it was a company car, but come on. it's a car. give a guy some notice. apparently they let him go friday, and had some kid drive him home. needless to say he's shattered. and i can tell. but he won't let on that he is. always trying to be a good example. always trying to tell me that "life goes on..." even when it doesn't seem like it's going to. and i'm here, feeling sorry for myself and almost wanting to walk in the door to my parents house and tell them how unfair life is and cry about all of my problems--because that's just the sort of thing you can do at home--and i look at my dad and i know that my problems are nothing compared to his. and so i immediately became the quiet listener at the party i thought i was going to be the "downer" at.

so this morning my car passed vehicle emissions. haha. i can legally drive again. my parents tried to talk me into staying at the house a few more days, but i told them that this is just something i need to handle and that i can't just run away to mom and dad's for a few days and hope the world's a better place when i return. i have this whole independent thing going on. i'm 25, i have to handle this. i can't expect to just be able to run home every time something hurts. and it's true. but the offer's still on the table, which of course, is comforting. and home's 40 miles away, which too, is comforting. beyond words. because as much as i'm fighting needing it, it's there if i do.

i rediscovered my old cd's this morning. and i guess they're not really that old. i don't know, when i got an ipod (2004) i kind of stopped listening to cd's. it started because i was listening solely to my ipod, then i started to only use itunes, so i'd burn cd's all the time... anyways, i listen to music mostly in the car and i stopped carrying them around. well the other morning i brought them along. and it's been really fun. first i listened to Train - My Private Nation the whole way through. knock them if you want, this is an awesome cd. then i had Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come to Fear the Most in for about a solid week. a very vengeful cd. but so powerful too. the lyrics are amazing, and the beat was just right for last week.

this morning in our hours of errands i put in some new dave matthews (the solo album, and stand up) and spent a good hour with counting crows - august and everything after. GREAT cd. seriously, every track is meaningful and it's the perfect mix of slow and fast. i could go on and on. adam duritz is an incredible writer. i used to keep up a lot more with his blog (he writes all of the time) but i guess i've sort of let that go. until i saw a bulliten that he posted today.

and i swear to god, this happens to me all of the time, but i find something to read that i completely adhere to at the time in my life it happens. like where if it came a week later or a week before i wouldn't feel nearly the amount of appreciation for it that i do when i find it. that's how i felt about this journal entry. that's how i felt about reading Eat Pray Love. and it even sometimes happens with songs. it's a great thing. a great coincidence.

anyways, the things i loved to read this morning from his blog are worth noting.

"I guess you have to make hard choices all the time. Sometimes these dreams you hold on to are just fool's errands you're using to avoid making the hard decisions about other areas of your life. And sometimes the compromises you make are just ways of giving up on your dreams. I used to think I was holding on to rock and roll because I couldn't face dealing with what my life would be like without it. Now it seems like I was just being brave and sticking it out (and I emphasize the word "seems"), but maybe that's just an accident of fate. If we hadn't been successful, maybe I'd just "seem" like one more deadbeat musician right now, someone you're mother wouldn't want you to bring home...as opposed, I suppose (god, that sounds like Dr. Suess), to the dreadlocked musician I am now, who by the way, your mom still don't want you bringing into HER house. "

and the second part:

"The longer your life goes on, the harder the decisions become. Inevitably at some point you're asked to give up something you love for something you love. So, sure, you hope you make the right choice, but there's nothing wrong with giving up something you love for something you love. I mean if you're not willing to sacrifice for the things you love, what kind of as person are you?" --Adam Duritz, Counting Crows

so yeah, anyways... i realize this is probably the longest myspace blog ever. sorry that my life has been that insane. but the good thing is: i came to a realization today, that took me awhile to come to.

that everything i'm going through right now, they're just things. just obstacles. they aren't the end of the world. they seem like it sometimes, but hasn't everything? i remember college graduation seemed like the end of the world. so did high school. so did EIGHTH GRADE. so did moving. the list goes on and on. and so does life.

someone said to me this weekend in regards to their own life something that just rang so true in mine too... "you have to remember that there is a plan. and whatever happens, it happens because it's right. even if it doesn't seem so at the time. trust me, there is a plan."

that is so hard to believe sometimes, but looking back on 25 years i couldn't agree more. i'm in a good spot for the most part, there are things i have to sort out. but who doesn't have things they have to sort out? this too shall pass.

robert frost said that he could sum up what he knows about life in three words, "it goes on." and that it does. and i will be fine.

trust

i'm at work. my mind is everywhere but work. time to write.

the past couple of days have been kind of hard for me. i've been on somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster and i'm trying to sort out my life. i don't know if i'm doing a good job, or not. and i don't know what to do about that either.

it's like i'm, for once in my life, at a loss for words.

in the past few months i've learned a lot about trust. i think it takes me a long time to trust people 100%. but i think i'm pretty trusting as a general rule. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. i like to hope that they have good things to offer me, and aren't going to let me down. sometimes that comes back to haunt me. i don't know if it's just because people think they can take advantage of that, or because people are just people and unfortunately a lot of times, just don't care. but it sucks to be let down by someone you really care about, and even more than that, someone you really trusted.

it's a long recovery process to build yourself back up. that's the hardest part. especially if you're like me. i blame myself for everything. even for things that i know aren't my fault in the least. i can always find some way to tell myself that i'm responsible. i should've done this. i should've said that. i should have followed my instinct.

and a lot of times i fight my gut instinct because i want it to be wrong. i'll have a feeling about something and i won't let it take over me. play it by ear. let things unfold. it's never actually a good idea. your gut instinct is usually right on.

i guess my conclusion is that if people care about you, sincerely care about you, they won't hurt you. and in fact, will do everything in their own personal power to ensure that they don't hurt you. it doesn't happen by accident. if you care about someone, you know your boundaries and i know from being a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a girlfriend at different periods of my life that this is just the unwritten rule. you just don't hurt people you care about. period.

so now where do i stand? in an awkward place. i'm not really sure what to do from here. sometimes when i'm really hurt i feel like running away... just seriously packing up everything i have and getting out of chicago. but then i usually remember everything i have here. sometimes i just want to sleep for a week straight and wake up and hope that the world became a kinder place while i was sleeping. sometimes i get a quick impulse that i want revenge, i want to "get people back." that's usually short-lived though because i don't think there's a point in all of that. and eventually what happens is that i realize that i just need to do my best to wait it out. wait for the calm after the storm. it makes days seem like weeks sometimes and weeks seem like months, but it always works. time heals all things.

lyrics...

My favorite thing lately is just relaxing with wine and listening to itunes on random... And just taking in the lyrics. So tonight I decided that as they hit me, I'm going to write them out. Partially self-healing, I guess. Partially just some music appreciation that I never take the time to write down... and it's the best when it's at random. Songs I forget about that hit me, for whatever reason. There isn't a song in the world that I like that's meaningless... I realized this when I was at Courtney's wedding this weekend, and I heard the most beautiful Father Daughter song I've ever heard. And I thought--why don't I keep track of these things anymore (beyond mentally)...So... here they are... Strong words. Sorry, this is going to be a long post. I'm in a music mood :)

"you know that restaurant on highway one
with the key lime pie, that song, that sand and the sun
where we ran in our barefeet, built a castle on the beach
just the wind, the rocks, the waves, and you and me
I can't go there.
cause that's just too much us.
i can't go there.
i still feel your touch
there's places in my heart and head that feel as empty as our bed
so most nights I don't even walk upstairs
Cause I can't go there..." -Kenny Chesney

"so if it's gotta be you
treat her nice... hold her hand
and tell her twice--that she doesn't have to worry
and it will be alright
See her smiling at him,
that used to be me
and I could find her in a thunderstorm, just by the way that the rain would fall.
And we used to be something
but something happened to me.
oh my god when i was free...
it's a hard way to fall. it's an easy way down.
it's a hard thing to love anyone, anyhow." -Ryan Adams

"i'm lonely, i'm insecure
i'm also guilty and i'm pure
i'm always, i will not stop, i'll hit the ground before the top
i wanna see the color of your skin, so bright
but all i have are photographs of black and white
don't stop loving me tonight
i'll never say forever
i don't believe in things that last
i want to.
can't see through the calm the haze the emptiness
i wanna be the ground when you can't stand
but all i have are letters i won't send
don't stop loving me again" -Blu Sanders

"this new rhythm i pursue
is just my getting over you... telling myself that i need to.
the days are better, the nights are still so lonely." -Train

"the smell of your skin, the taste of your kiss
the way you whisper in the dark
your hair all around me... baby you surround me
and touch every place in my heart.
oh it feels like the first time everytime
i wanna spend the whole night in your eyes." -Lonestar

"i may take a holiday in spain
leave my wings behind me
drink my worries down the drain
fly away to somewhere new..." -Counting Crows

"tell me did you sail across the sun
did you make it to the milky way to see the lights are faded
that heaven is overrated
tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
one without a permanent scar
and then you miss me while
you were looking for yourself out there..." -Train

"there was pain, sunny days and rain
i knew you'd feel the same things
everybody knows... it sucks to grow up
and everybody does.. its so weird to be back here.
let me tell you what--the years go on and we're still fighting it
we're still fighting it
you'll try, and try, and one day you'll fly away from me." -Ben Folds

"i know you're here to catch your breath
but i'm not listening for the right words anymore... i'll take what's left
you're viscious like the blue sky
right before the rain comes pouring through
tell me does he look like me at all?
cause there are an awful lot like you." -Matt Nathanson

"someday i'm gonna run across your mind
but don't worry i'll be fine, i'm gonna be alright
while you're sleeping with your pride, wishing i could hold you tight
i'll be over you and on with my life.
take your records take your freedom, take your memories
i don't need them." -Keith Urban

"i spent days stupid nailed to your floor
and i spent nights pushed against you just trying to keep warm
but you don't know me at all.
show me where the sun comes through the sky
i'll show you where rain gets in and i'll show you hurricanes
the way that summer fades underneath the weight of it all." -Matt Nathanson

"oh here the night it comes again
it's off with the jeans, jacket, and the skirt...
how'd i'd end up feeling so bad with such a little girl
i'll hold you close in the back of my mind
feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt
i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now." -Ryan Adams

"a million to one, outside this
nightblindness--can't see
your bright eyes are what the time is
twenty five past eternity." -David Gray

"i don't think that i could take another empty moment
i don't think that i could fake another hollow smile
well its just not enough just to be lonely
i don't think that i could take another talk about it.
just like me, you've got needs and they're only a whisper away
and we softly surrender to these lives that we've tendered away." -Matchbox 20

"I know there's little use in crying, it's more wide awake and dying
than I'm used to.
I thought we'd walk these streets together
and now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you.
Step aside from all this anger, somewhere in between
I can feel you." -Howie Day

"Stay away from me, I'll be gone soon
it's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
it's nothing that you've done.
You're not the only one. " -Matt Wertz

"our minds pressed and guard while our flesh disregarded the lack of space
for the lighter hearted and the boom that beats our drum
and i know i make you cry
and i know sometimes you wanna die
but do you really feel alive without me" -Damien Rice

"these train conversations passing me by,
and i don't have nothing to say.
you get what you pay for... but i just had no intention of living this way.
i need a phone call
i need a plane ride
i need a sunburn
i need a raincoat
and i get no answers.... and i don't get no change.
it's raining in baltimore baby, but everything else is the same.
there's things i'll remember
there's things i'll forget.
i miss you, i guess that i should." -Counting Crows

my favorite quotes

Just going to randomly make a list of my all time favorite quotes... because I think it's important to share powerful words that others might relate to. This list could get long, but there's a lot of smart people out there.

"It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just... feel like home." -High Fidelity

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that when ever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I saw, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and listen to your heart. The truth is, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try... because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." -Meet Joe Black

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there." -Good Will Hunting

"We don't read and write poetry because its cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering: these are noble pursuits necessary to sustain life but poetry, beauty, romance, love. These are what we stay alive for." -Dead Poets Society

"I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone." -Henry Rollins

"One day logic was proven all wrong because the tide lifted, came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass. And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" -Cast Away

"Anywhere you go, desire is desire. The sun cannot bleach it, nor the tide wash it away." -The Beach"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew." -Henry Rollins
"And me? I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for. Because it's not where you go. It's how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something. And if you find that moment, it lasts forever." -The Beach

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better. " -Henry Rollins

"Trust me--it's paradise for the mind is a generation that circles the globe in search of something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation. Never resist the unfamiliar. Never fail to be polite and never outstay your welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience... And if it hurts...you know what? It was probably worth it.." -The Beach

"Do one thing every day that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to." -Henry Rollins

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." -Maya Angelou

"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define you character." -Henry Rollins

6 months in the city!

it's been quite some time... i know. it's not that i haven't had anything to say, but that i've totally neglected something i love so much: writing. i'm going to get better at that.

i've been in the city 6 months now and i can't believe it. it feels more like home than ever before. i love this city. i never knew if i'd grow totally comfortable with leaving my hometown. i mean i know i'm not far away, but it's really a new life for me. a new chapter. and i couldn't be happier with my decision. it's not forever, but for right now it's great. it's exactly where i want to be at this point in my life. and i feel good about change, for once.

2007 has treated me well. i've kept busy between work, school, and friends, but i like being busy. i still see my parents a lot too. it's nice to have my own place but still be able to go home for a night or a weekend if i need to.

i am taking my first marketing class and i love it. it's bringing out the creative side in my brain again that i've missed so much amongst the medical research i do everyday. don't get me wrong--i really love my job. been there 2 years and i can't believe it. i'm inspired by my coworkers all of the time. but, it's nice to be able to think creatively again, and be encouraged to do so. i love to learn. that's one thing i remember now that i started school. i think i'll be ready to move on from my job when the time is right, but i couldn't have asked for better experience and a hands on education while i'm at work. in a field that i thought i never cared about. i'm going to have to find a career someday that balances helping people with writing. i know it's out there--especially after working in healthcare for 2 years. i never realized how many jobs there are beyond doctors and nurses. you can really help people in so many ways that are indirect, it's unreal. i can't wait for the day i can say that i do that.

i went to visit my grandpa and great aunts over easter in kansas city. it's crazy to see the people that raised your parents needing walkers. i mean i had a few "wow" moments where i just realized--wow, i can't believe that these people i love and respect so much were raised by people whose minds are still there, but bodies are going. it's sad life has to come to an end that way, but my biggest realization was how comfortable they are with it. comfortable accepting help from you, comfortable telling each other "you better use your walker," and joking about needing one in the first place and needing someone to take them around. it's like you don't want to imagine that time in your life coming, but when it does you must be ready. because they seem okay.

i guess it's like anything else. i didn't want to graduate college, now i can't imagine being 22 again. i wouldn't go back if i had the opportunity. i'm just ready for the next step. and i guess that goes on forever, even if you don't think things will change, they always do. adaptation is an interesting thing. it's so amazing how you find your purpose a little more with every day you live. i realize something everyday that i really didn't know the day before, and realize it or not at the time, we're truly always growing just a little bit wiser, in our own ways.

the next stage is always welcomed. and i love where i'm at right now. promise to write more often... here's to 6 months of the big city life from a born and raised suburban girl... ready for the next step.

it's 4:30 am on a tuesday

ok so it's really only 2:30, but i couldn't resist the counting crows lyric. especially since it's tuesday. plus it's probably 4:30 somewhere in the world.

i used to be a lot better at updating this. what can i say? life got busy. that, and 90% of the time i don't want to write unless i'm struck by some sort of realization or idea. consider this one one of those other 10% of the times... because i can't sleep and i figured why not write a little.

things have been good. i'm still loving the city. it's still surprising to me how much more at home i feel now in my apartment than i do at my parent's house. i just spent a couple of nights there and my room just doesn't feel like my room anymore. i mean it does, but it doesn't. i couldn't actually wait to get back here, as much as i like being home. it's a weird transitional thing i guess you could say. but i'm adjusted.

since i last wrote and i was sad, i can honestly say things have gotten 110% better. i'm back to myself and everything. it's weird. i went to the doctor today and she told me that we just get used to medications sometimes. that's probably what happened. she said it's probably not that i've gotten any worse or any of that, but just kind of built up a tolerance to the drug i was on. makes sense to me. in either case, i'm just so glad to be back to feeling like myself. i hated that time period, even though it was only a few weeks. i just remember not wanting to go to work and class and stuff. it just wasn't me. anyways, that's that. no complaints.

work is good. stressful right now, but good. i'm working with bipolar patients, it's really interesting. it really makes you appreciate your own health, too. it's hard to remember how lucky we are but really, talking to some of these people i find myself thinking "i can't believe i was ever complaining about such petty things." it's all relative... i know. but it just sort of hits you hard. i find that my sensitivity has kind of become an issue at work. i mean i know i always joke with people about how i'm sensitive and whatnot, but really, i get very attached to these people. and research is a hard thing becuase the drug companies have really strict criteria for these patients... and a lot don't fit the mold. and it makes me really sad because we attract patients that either don't have health insurance, money, etc, that from my point of view see clinical research as "their last hope" for a couple of reasons: a) they get paid for participating and b) the medication and treatment is free. and then, if they have the slightest exclusion criteria (abnormal labs, 1 point lower than they need to be on a scale, etc) we have to send them home. it just makes me sad to leave them in such a state and say "sorry, but we can't help you because pfizer's criteria is too strict." my boss always reminds me when i get upset that it's okay to have a big heart, but i have to remember my job... and that's research. these people don't expect me personally to save their lives, he says. but i guess i feel like... how do you know? maybe we were their last hope. anyways, i know a lot of that is me, but i just can't help but get attached to some of these people. i wish i was in a position that i could do more. i have to think of the positive, and i know that: the long term results of this project will help more people than not. it's just the short term that's hard to handle. for me anyways. i'm not a psychiatrist that's been dealing with this kind of "letting go" for years, so, i guess it's all a part of my job... becoming desensitized from all of that. but let me tell you, it's harder than it seems.

school is going okay. i'm in accounting, so i kind of feel like it's a little bit of a rut for me. i'm just not interested in it at all. the creative side of my brain sits through tuesday nights saying... what am i doing here? haha. but, just a few more weeks. it's just one of those, just like in undergrad, that you just have to get through. and then you can forget it. next quarter (starting mid feb) i'm taking 2 classes... so i'll be pretty busy. i think i'm ready though. the weather will be nicer and i couldn't really ask for a better walk to school. who can complain about walking down state street in the spring? and i'm actually getting into marketing classes now (finally!) so i think i will be much more interested. i'm excited. i even can find accounting relatively exciting when i understand it... it's just that i don't think my brain was built to understand it. i'm doing my best.

i guess i've sort of turned this entry into a journal type of blog. i usually try to stay away from that... but oh well, i guess everyone needs to find ways to entertain themselves when they can't sleep... right? plus, it's been a month. i promise my next entry will be a lot less about "me." after all, that's what my dad taught me right? (see last post). well, i broke the rules... but just this once.

happy new year!

post holiday reflections and a brutally honest admission

first thing's first: i love christmas. i always will. from the time i was little my mom has made it perfect for us. and it's weird, i'm 25 now, my brother almost 29, and we still feel the magic. i'd say we're pretty lucky. and not just because of the fact that this is our tree and presents, but because we have a family like that. i realize that's rare these days. i realize feeling the magic of christmas as an adult is something that should be appreciated.

we were reading a letter on the fridge from my dad's aunt lynne... and she included one of those holiday newslettters--only hers was so poetic. she used the seasons as a metaphor for life, explaining that her and her husband were in the "autumn" of their life, while the grand kids were an everlasting "spring." etc. it really inspired me. it's rare that my parents will tell me to read one of those letters, but they told me to read that one. and after doing so, he told me something like... "this is my one tip on writing amy, it should contain a lot less of the i." and i immediately went upstairs and got on my computer because i was inspired to write something of my own to the people in my life, on christmas day. so, i composed an email, and just for saving sake, i'll post it here... so here's what i sent out this year:

"I don't know if this happens in everyone's family, but it certainly happens in ours--those inserts that come inside the Christmas cards, usually about a page or two full of updates on the past year's activities for every family--our kids are doing this... here's what happened with our jobs... we bought a house... etc.

Well, my dad always says that his general rule about writing something like that is that it should contain a lot less of the "I."

He's right, and not only that, but he says that, and feels that way, because of something people love most about him--he's incredibly selfless. And for that reason, and the fact that I look up to those traits in both of my parents, I'm going to follow his rule about writing Christmas reflections... (How about that, Dad? Me following YOUR writing rules!! Who would have thought? :) )

Anyway, I'll skip the updates, the yearly review of what's occured in Amy's life... because that is not what Christmas is about, is it?

It's a reflection point, one day a year where you're really truly surrounded by people who love each other and have a much needed break from work, but more importantly, from life. And it's a lot more than ribbons and bows, than santa claus and reindeer, than the pine tree you spent hours perfecting... it's about love and faith and believing and appreciating how truly lucky we are to have each other and to be alive.

And so for that reason, I just wanted to drop you all a note on Christmas Day and let you know how thankful I am to have you in my life. I don't know what point it happens when all of the sudden opening presents becomes less, and having each other becomes more, but I'm certainly glad that it does.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your time with your family and friends. It's easy to forget what's important sometimes in the daily grind of life... but thank goodness for Christmas Day.

Love Always,
Amy"

i got a lot of nice replies from family and friends, and so for that reason, i was really glad that i did it. expression is always a powerful thing, and i'm glad i'm able to piece together what i want to say sometimes. i'm lucky in that aspect. i brought a printed copy down to my dad and made him read it on christmas morning... i could tell he was choked up a little, but the good kind of choked up, you know? i guess i can't emphasize how much happiness it brings me to tell someone directly what they mean to you... and what better time for something like that, than christmas time?

so, the holidays were good. more than good. i have a strong family and i'm very lucky for that.

okay, now the brutally honest admission. i was hesitant to write about this publically... just because sometimes i don't know if i am too honest. but just now as i was laying in bed i thought to myself... what is it about writing that helps me? the fact that other people read it. what is it that people love about postsecret? the fact that other people read it. that they're getting something off their chest... so what am i so worried about when i have problems that i want to write about? that people will think differently of me? well, if they do, i don't care about that.

so anyway i think i've encountered some form of clinical depression. it's really scary, because a) it's really new and b) people whom i haven't said a word about it to (i.e. work, parents, friends) have noticed a change in me. in other words, i know it's not just me. as for what it's from, i don't totally know. my parents and i are trying to seek out my health history from my biological parents, i think that's the first step. i probably should have done that when i started having panic attacks, but i guess i thought it would stop there. and it did, for a year and a half, but now this. i work with psychiatrists, so they basically told me they have noticed a change in me, and in a friendly polite way, let me know they were worried. so, that was kind of my wake up call. it's weird, when i notice a change in myself, i'm always like - eh, it's just mental... i'll be fine. but when someone else says it, it really puts you in your place.

i was put on medicine like a year and a half ago for panic attacks. looking back, i still can't trace it as to why those happened... i mean, i was stressed in school and stuff, but nothing abnormal. i have no choice but to assume it's genetics. i can't help but wonder if i've gained a tolerance to an SSRI and that's why i'm suddenly feeling "imbalanced" or whatever. but it could be a lot more too. i guess in many ways i've taken on a lot in the past year--grad school, my job's increasing difficulty, and a lot tighter financial situation than when i was living at home. so i have added stresses as well... who knows what i can attribute this change to? i don't. but i do know this: i'm so thankful that i'm able to see that something's up, and that i have the support i need to get over this roadblock. i will, and i will get back to being myself. i've been down this road before with the anxiety, so, i can handle this too, whatever it is.

but for the record, i still keep things in perspective. i do know how lucky i am, even if i'm a little down right now. i still know that i have a good life, and i'm going to get my optimism back.

i feel a little better now. hopefully i can sleep.

i hope everyone had a merry christmas...

2 years? Really, 2 years?

as of 1 hour ago, i am officially 25 years old. 25. i remember when that meant that you were... old.

now people are trying to convince me that i'm still young.
i'll take it.

anyways, i thought about this older blog of mine today: http://amyj28.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_amyj28_archive.html becuase for some strange reason i remember the title of it all the time when I think about my birthday. and today i realized... wow, i need 2 boxes of candles now. where did the time go?

i mean i'm obviously using candles as an analogy, who cares, they're a dollar a box right? and whos really going to notice that one extra from the new box?

but i just don't feel like that was two years ago. time is starting to really fly. everyone told me it would. and i guess i didn't believe them until about 73 minutes ago when i reread that blog. wow. 2 years ago i was getting ready to graduate college. i found myself asking... was that really two years ago?

and i started to think about the present... the things that have happened in the past two years of my life.
the things that have changed.
the places i've lived, the things i've accomplished, the things i've failed to accomplish yet.
and the people i've been lucky enough to keep around, all this time.

i love reflection points.

a lot of times they happen for me on birthdays or new years--it's like a little unannounced marking point in life where you actually remember where you were at this point last year... and it's kind of sanitizing in a way to look at your life in hindsight and realize what you've done with it.

what a sustaining thing to be able to do.

i mean we all know we can't change the past... but we can certainly always improve upon our past. better ourselves, better the world, and better the people around us.

i know my life motto might change from time to time, but my newest thing that i think about always is how important it is to leave your mark on this world. i mean, it doesn't have to be a monument in DC, it doesn't have to be handprints in hollywood, or even your name being published somewhere in some small town newspaper. i mean, leave a piece of your character in whatever way you know best. maybe it's by telling unforgettable jokes. maybe it's by writing a bestselling novel, or maybe it is by becoming a senator or a moviestar... that's up to each one of us. all i know is this: there's no better time than now to start leaving a mark.... and the thing is, we probably all already are, without even knowing it.

it's been a wonderful year once again, and i'm extremely thankful for my family and friends, who honestly, help me through every hard day, and even every easy day, just by taking my mind off the daily grind. i can't imagine my life any differently than it is at this point, and i know i'm so lucky for that. and to be loved. and remembered on my birthday.

here's to twenty-five wonderful years.

six weeks in the city

i need to get better at writing more.

i guess in a way it's a good thing, it means nothing has been overwhelmingly driving me insane, but i also realize it's just as important to write about the good as to write about the bad. it's just easier to write about the bad, for some reason. maybe that's why i like sad music. whos to say?

well, i've been downtown for 6 weeks now and i really couldn't be happier. living by myself is... great. having something to call my own is great. having about 75% of my best friends within 2 miles is great. seriously, i saw 5 friends in the course of two days this weekend. i had three over! that didn't happen that much when i lived at home since everyone was moving down here... and we're all pretty busy. anyways, it's really great to see more of the people i love. and i still see my parents somewhat often too. close enough to everything. and i'm falling in love with my
neighborhood a little more every day. life has really been good to me.

i'm really grateful that i've stayed in touch so well with my friends from high school. we're incredibly close, it's really an amazing thing. we're there for each other at the drop of a hat. and when i think about the fact that we've been friends for ten years it blows my mind. anyways, they make me so happy and i'm so glad to have them in my life. so glad.


i finished up my first class, still waiting on my grade. as of this tuesday i'll be starting two new ones, so i'm going to be pretty busy. taking one class wasn't too tough, but taking two is going to be tougher. not only that, but we're really picking things up at work and taking on two clinical studies instead of one. i pretty much have my hands full with the heart disease and depression study, and now we're adding a bipolar one that requires a lot of attention. so needless to say, i'm going to be pretty booked, but it will all be worth it. i really like learning i've realized, both at school and at work. i can't even believe i've been at loyola a year and a half. i was filling out my paperwork today for medical insurance, etc. and i was like "wow, i can't believe it's time to do this already." time flies. i've made friends there though and more importantly, i think i've established myself as capable of my career which took awhile. it's hard to convince doctors that you can do clinical research when you have a bachelor of arts. it took awhile, but they trust me now and see that i'm keeping up with everything, and really learning my job inside and out. so that feels good. one of the residents wrote me an email friday just letting me know i was doing a really good job. it honestly made my day. i think too often at work and in life we're so quick to criticize, but not nearly as quick to compliment. i appreciated getting a thoughful email for once instead of a technical one. it was a nice break from the normal routine.

i'm almost 25. pretty crazy, just a few more weeks! i don't feel 25. i guess i don't know what 25 is supposed to feel like, but i know i still feel young. most of the time anyways. sometimes i think about the fact that some of my friends are married and whatnot, and i mean i guess everyone is different, but i just think for me personally, i'm still trying to figure out my life. and not that i've had the opportunity to get married or anything haha... but like what i'm saying is i think i need to finish school, establish myself in my career, figure out where i want to live, and figure out what's important to me in life. i mean i'm half there, but i'm not all the way there. i can't imagine being married right now personally, just because of that. i'm still pretty independent as far as my thinking goes. at the same time, i'm really happy for all of my friends that are married/engaged. they're all really great couples that compliment each other. and they're all at that place in their life as well. i'm just not at all. but that's okay. people progress differently i guess.

i'm so excited the holidays are coming! i love christmas and thanksgiving. i love getting together with my family and how everything is so traditional... i can't wait to get out the christmas music, see downtown become ready for the holidays, see the lights downtown naperville, go shopping for my family and friends... put a little tree up in my place. i can't wait. the holidays make me so happy! it's like the time of year you set aside to remember what's important to you. and you forget about work, and the hecticness of everyday life and just enjoy your family and your company. i'm so glad it's coming.

winter... is another story. i hate being cold. :) but it's worth it for christmas. that's all for now. just an update. really, i'm going to start writing more. but, things are going great and i love you all.

long overdue.

so... where to start?

clearly i haven't been a good writer lately. writers need to keep up with their writing. and i haven't. but, my life has been crazy! anyways... let's see, a lot has happened.

first, austin texas. austin city limits. wow. kones and i had the time of our lives i'm pretty sure. austin is an amazing, amazing town. i felt so at home there. i really left saying - i could totally live here. it's so welcoming, and the town is energetic, musical, what more can you really ask for? anyways, good times all around. loved it. so glad i went.

i started grad school and i'm so happy with it... i feel smarter just by going to class. it's weird, it's so different than undergrad. i mean, people are just really intelligent, educated, involved, it's just something i'm not used to. i'm feeling good about it. i actually changed my degree to a dual degree, so i'll end with a masters in science and an mba... why not right?

work is good. not much has changed.

allison is getting married! my first purdue friend. aww. i'm happy for her. her and her husband are great together. soulmates, there's no doubt in my mind.

alright - next -- I MOVED DOWNTOWN!! only been here about 3 days, but loving it so far. loving the independence, the "having my own place" just everything. it's great. i love my neighborhood from what i know so far, i love being closer to my friends, i love it all. i thought i was going to be more emotional about my parents than i am. i mean, i really miss them, but i love having a place that is "mine." it's so exhilirating? i think thats the right word.

saw matt nathanson tonight. you know what? thats what made me write tonight first of all. secondly, i was thinking when he was singing because he really means it when he sings (and you can always tell) that he's thinking of someone. like, he wrote each song for someone. and i bet when he sings he thinks of them. the same way the rest of us, as part of being human, always have someone in mind during a love song. and no matter the year, the time, the place, what in your life has changed, that song comes on... and it brings you back. music is so amazing that way. it connects people. it's like we all have similar life experiences that we don't talk about, we don't publicize, but, you hear a song, and the whole crowd is kinda like "i understand, i've been there too." it's a great thing. i love anything that strangers bond over without saying a word.

anyways, promise to resume my writing more. i feel like this was way too long of a blog, and in order to avoid that, i need to keep this up.

in short, life is good. and i'll write soon.

new years resolution updates

awhile ago, i wrote some new years resolutions. i figure it's overdue, i missed the halfway through the year point, so i thought i'd do an update now... figure out where i need to be by 2007. so here they are, and here goes.

to stop obsessing over things that i really need to get over. to worry about my life, my own life, and to get over the past. to look to the future more. that's a big one for me.
i really think i've made great progress with this one. the way i used to let people get to me doesn't happen as easily anymore. i've kinda moved forward. there are some things you always hold on to, but i think that is ok.

to take this dang gmat and get my loyola application in. done and done!

to get a promotion, or a payraise, or both at work at my review this june. raise in July!

to continue to be a good friend and a good daughter to the best of my ability. Certainly hope so

to pay off my car. DONE

to keep paying off my credit cards. Getting better all of the time.

to figure out where i want to live, and once i do that (and my car is paid off) to get my own place. DONE! yes!

to visit Anne in New York and Lindsey in LA with my vacation time. Hopefully with friends!! Iss, Janna, Lisa, Konah...that's you guys! Visited both!

to keep the same relationship with my college roommates and my high school friends that i have right now. I think things get better all of the time.

to always make time for my friends--no matter how busy i might feel. there are always more important things. This isn't even an issue for me. Hands down, friends first. Always.

to write more. to read more books. to do more. to travel. Write enough, could read more, wish I could afford to travel more. Although, I guess I am going on some trips.

to get a healthier lifestyle--exercise, eat more wholesomely... in other words, less pizza, more chicken. less cookies, more apples. Shoot.

to give back. someway, somehow. and i don't mean just donating money. to actually physically do something for a good cause. I've been participating in walks and stuff like that, painted some Chicago schools with Janna. I realize I could be doing way more, and I'd like to.

to always remember how lucky i am. even on my worst days. I think I do.

to get one of my postcards on http://postsecret.blogspot.com I better keep submitting! Not yet!

to make someone's day. to make a lot of people's day. Hope so.

to not forget a single birthday of anyone i know. to make their birthdays great. All over it.

i'd like a boyfriend--but i'm not going to get down on myself if i don't accomplish that. i think that has to sort of just happen. but let's just say i hope it happens to me :) Still working on it!!

to tell people what they mean to me rather than just thinking it all the time. to put my feelings on the table. i just think you never know when you can make someones day, or even save someones life. i think everyone has more going on than we sometimes realize. it's too easy to take people for granted. I really hope I do this.

to be a little more outgoing. stop hiding so much. stop being so shy. reach out to new people! I think I am less shy than I used to be.

make friends at work, school, etc. Eh, kinda :)

to really and truly, fully believe in myself. I do about 95% of the time.

to have another great year. to be my best. So far, So good

i feel like i should have written this.

great song.

now your path and mine
they never seemed to converge
and now i sat here in god knows where
with a mouth full of words

well they just sound like noises
if you say them enough
it was all such a long time ago.
now, was it though?

----

it's time to drag myself home
and to wonder just why
i still think of you now
only as you were then
but it was all such a long time ago

now was it though....?

finally, a comparison

it's been a bit since i've written. this is usually due to a lack of subject matter. this time however, it was due to a lack of the right words. i've been thinking, hard, but i've been unable to sort everything out. and for some reason tonight, it all made sense.

cast away was on abc tonight. i usually hate watching movies on tv because of the commercials, but i really had nothing better to do, so i watched it (for the third or fourth time). at the end of the movie, i realized that it was exactly what i needed to see to say what i've been wanting to say, right. i love the end of this movie - because it's sad but more importantly, it's very real. this man is away on an island for seven years, and a smaller-than-wallet-sized picture is keeping him alive. for seven years, that was the only hope he had, that little picture. and i'm sure in the back of his mind he thought that one day he'd get home and things would pick up just where they left off. that's what it feels like when you're away.

the truth is people move on. she moved on. he was there on an island waiting to go home to the woman he loved, and when he got home, she had a husband, and kids. and still loved him. but had a new life now. it makes sense, you have to move on. you can't just pause your life in hopes that some miracle will happen. and maybe it will. but you can't count on it.

i related to this whole aspect. when the only thing you know that is real is far away. and you hold on to it and expect time to just freeze, right there, right where you left off. stop at that hug before they get on a plane. and pick up with another hug when they get off a few years later. and for a long time, for years, i've really truly believed and convinced myself that this is what happens. it hit about a week ago that it's actually not at all. that people have to go on with their own lives, and that people are different. i mean, some are able to do that easier. some are able to just say, ok, next chapter, let's go! it's good. it's healthy. but it's hard to accept.

and i guess saying you've been forgotten is a little too harsh. and to say you've been replaced is kind of the same. it's not that. it's just realizing you're not part of someone's immediate life anymore. and you know for a fact they didn't mean any harm by it, it was just natural, part of human existence. your immediate life becomes your surroundings, and well, when you're not in any sort of proximity with someone anymore, it's hard to remember that they once were. it's so human.

at the end of the movie he wants to be with her and then theres a second where he realizes that she has to go home. she has a husband inside, and children. and they love each other, but she has to go home. and he lets her walk inside, and he drives away.

and then later, talking to a friend he explains what went on on that island. he explains why he stayed alive. and this is what hit me.

"And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

that's what i need to do too. i need to, upon this realization, keep breathing. i need to let go. to take over my own life. i know it's going to take time, but i know what i have to do. and after all, i'm only 24... i have a lot of life ahead of me. tomorrow, the sun will rise. who knows what the tide could bring in?

save your breath

pretty night tonight. clear out, a good driving night. music and windows down make me think of high school, and having nothing else to do but picking each other up to drive around. and it was fun. so fun. those were the days...
so i got to thinking as i heard these lyrics (i think this song is so beautiful):

Will you hop a train to anywhere?
it sure ain't no place like home,
where there are no strangers--
only people you don't wanna know...
but before the crying out loud,

Save your breath for the laughing out loud, again
Save your breath, for the talking all night, oh
Save your breath for the laughing out loud, ah
Save your breath

So meet me by the station,
and bring a change of heart
And smile away the old country as we watch it disappear
And pull these years apart.
And scatter from the window
to settle on the fields
And tell yourself a hundred times that forever starts today
And think how good it feels....

To save your breath for the laughing out loud--
Save your breath, for the talking all night.

i don't know. i just started to think about the way we used to talk. i mean we'd talk all night. we'd sit at omega or bakers square over coffee, or in a garage or on a back porch over beer, and we would talk...all night. and we never ran out of conversations. and i guess i don't know for sure because we were sixteen and whatnot, but i really don't think our conversations were ever fake or boring either. they were always so real. or i guess, seemed so real. that doesn't happen anymore. it doesn't feel like it anyways.

i mean i guess we progressed to the bars, and it's just kind of a different scene. harder to talk. that, and i think people kinda go their own ways when they go away to college, and come home grown up. like this little piece of you hangs on to those late nights on back porches and in coffee shops and all the places you hope stay in your town forever... but you're really kinda leading your own life now. life's so funny. it seems like you'd feel changes like that, but you absolutely don't.

then one day you look back. and no matter how happy you are with your present life, you always miss the way things were. and you can never go back. those words ring true now, my dad used to always say it to me "you can never go back amy." and i thought he was just being a dad. and now, what i feel is twenty-four years young, while what i know is, he was right.

you can't ever go back.

could you tell me why you're leaving

when you disappear on me
it's just like parades in the rain
and everytime i see you
you just disappear again

every time you're leaving...
i don't know what to say
i wanna see this whole town go away

so could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know why it has to be so
could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know i don't know i don't know

all these ending love songs come into my eyes
but every time i see you i'm alive.
i'm alive.

so could you tell me why you're leaving?
cause i don't know why it has to be so.
could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know i don't know
i don't know...

wait out the days

i know i've said this before but i'm going to say it again anyways. because it's something i really feel, and really believe in. it's rare in life, in my life anyways, that i feel someone i have a real connection with.

someone you can talk to for hours. someone who knows you. likes you. doesn't want you to be any different. someone who wants to go somewhere a little bit quieter to talk. someone who wants to catch the sunset. would go out of their way in life to make sure that you never got hurt and were having a good time. who has the same amount of fun sitting in the grass talking about life or having a couple of beers somewhere... who you can tell genuinely cares about you. and you can tell because you can feel it. it's past words. it's way past sciences of any sort. you can actually feel it. and it feels like home.

i don't know a lot of people like that. i really don't.

it's like there's always something in the way. not enough depth. too much insecurity. too many twisted priorities. but when you know that you have that connection with someone, it's always there.

and it always happens to me that just when i realize how much i care about someone, or maybe not realize it but rather remember it, then they have to go away. just when you remember how good it feels, its over. so you're stuck with the same old sad love songs and overused cliches about how life goes on, and you know there's nothing you can do other than to let time do it's magic, by gradually and graciously reminding you that it's not the end of the world, and you're going to be ok. this too shall pass.

but now, for awhile, you're a little less whole. your house is a little more lonely. your car seems to be lacking conversation, and your bed just feels a little empty.

and for awhile, it always happens this way, these little instances, like shadows, they follow you. and i mean, they're good... like shadows of good times, and reminders of places you've been and things you've talked about. a song you heard, a road you drove down, a color you maybe wore, but for awhile, they just don't leave you alone. and everywhere you go, you're reminded that you're really missing something that's a part of you all of the time, everywhere you go. you're never 100% anymore.

it's so damn hard.

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that."

hanging on

if it means anything, i'm glad i met you. if for nothing else, than to provide some sort of inner glimmer of hope inside of myself, something that tells me that people like you exist. something that reminds me what it's like when someone cared for you at one point and how good that feels. something that keeps love alive. at least for me.

and maybe it means i'll keep those hours we spent together too close. maybe it means i'll hold on to them too long--whos to say? but it makes me whole. it's something i'll never be able to explain to anyone else, because it's just that deep inside of me. but really, it makes each song a little better, each bad day a little lighter, and each minute a little less lonely... so i don't mind.

___
Lastly...

"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to." - Marilyn Ferguson

from two great songs

this afternoon with you felt something like a letter
the kind that someone writes but never sends
and when you're good to me
it makes me blue because someday it's gonna end.
-Ryan Adams, Friends

it hasn't felt like this before
it hasn't felt like home before you
and i know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
and i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could
i can't get my mind off you
and i hate the phone
but i wish you'd call...
-Joshua Radin, The Fear You Won't Fall

and i wish it was a small world...

where do i even start? i've been internet deprived for a week, because i was visiting lindsey in LA. the thing is, i didn't care about the internet persay, or my email, but there were times i was like "dang , i really need to be writing right now. this is going to be some good material" and i just can't do the pen and paper thing anymore. so now i have my chance.

it's 2 am here, so that's midnight california time. my flight got in around 11. i don't know what it is about that place that gets me so emotional. i mean, maybe i do. but, on the plane i just started to feel really sad. not sad to be coming home. not sad to be in my own bed, and go to work tomorrow. but it's just that i saw a lot of really good friends whom i LOVE to be around, and i see them every couple of years. and i guess, this may be thinking too hard, but i can't help but wish we could all live near each other while we're still young. before people get married and have families and getting together just gets that much harder. and i know in a few days i won't feel like this. it's just the initial shock of leaving that behind me. and that some of my best friends live as far from me as they possibly could in the united states. i just wish i could spend more time with them.

and for a second, i believed i could. i mean, sometimes i'll have these really irrational thoughts like - whats keeping me in chicago? my job? my family? what if i didn't catch that plane home? what if i decided to just not go in tuesday morning? i'm not going to get arrested or anything. i think irrationally like that. then, once i landed here in chicago i remembered how much i like being here. and i know in a few days, when i'm back to my routine everything will make sense again. i'm just caught in a moment.

i love the song "raining in baltimore" because i think it captures everything i'm talking about with one simple line... "and i wish it was a small world." because i really do wish that. i wish i could see the people that i love to see every single day.

we all make our own lives, and carry on though. because that's what we have to do. and i know it's not that people forget about each other, it's just that the more time that goes on, the more preoccupied you get with things that are part of your everyday routine, and the farther in hindsight things from the past can get. even if they still mean a lot to you, they don't affect you every day. i'm no different. i have a routine. i wake up, i work, i commute home, i run errands, i go out on the weekends, and i do it again. that is my life. but, while it doesn't make much sense to dwell on the past, i can't help but to do that sometimes. i miss the simpler times. and the more you dwell on the past, the more you tangle yourself this little web of confusion. it's so much smarter to just live in the here and now. let things happen. and while i know that....easier said than done.

it's incredible how someone can impact your life so much. that years later, conversations are still easy. that for whatever reason in this world, in this lifetime, there are people that you just connect with. and that connection never goes away. no matter how far you live from each other, no matter how many years its been.

and you know that no one else will ever totally understand that connection. like, you can explain it forever and ever. but they'll never totally "get it." it's something that goes on between two people. or to quote high fidelity... it's a mystery of human chemistry and i don't understand it, but some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home.

i can't think of a better way to put it.

and so yes, i'd like to see those people all of the time. but i wouldn't trade the fact that when i do run into them it feels like yesterday, for anything in the entire world.

i had a great weekend. i learned a lot about myself, and a lot about these ghosts in my past that i just seem to hang on to. i learned why i do that. and i learned that it's ok. and i feel relieved. and proud of myself too. and i'm glad to be back home and back to my own life, after figuring a lot of things out. now, i just hope i can sleep.

i'll write soon.

pure randomness...prepare

been a month. shoot. i really thought i was improving my blog frequency. i guess i'll have to try a little harder.

mother's day was tonight, it was good. i totally feel like my mom deserves a mothers day, maybe even a few. she's so unselifsh. she was even kind of upset that we planned somethign that required spending money. her exact quote was, "i would have been fine just cooking breakfast here." we went to a really nice brunch though. and i kept telling her that this is one day, that it's okay to let people treat her to things. she doesn't have to be a "mom" all the time. just accept that we want to do something nice for you. not everyone has a good mom. i'm lucky and i wanted to show her that i know that. so, things were well.

well, may 5th, i took the gmat. i did pretty good. i scored above average for loyola's admission, so i'm happy. of course, randomly, i do better in math than in english. remember what my degree is in? i don't know though--i'm a writer. that just flows. it's harder to diagram sentences and figure out that the linking verb is in the wrong place. in my opinion anyways. so, i rocked the math part. and i get my writing scores in a few weeks. then, i'll find out! and finding out means figuring out my living situation. i'm really ready to move out these days.

i can't figure out if i want to stay in naperville, or if i need to move closer to work (for my own sanity, and the possibility if i get into grad school.) i really go back and forth about this all of the time. that, and i am really going to try to buy instead of renting. that may not be even possible... but my car is paid off now, so that's a big deal. a lot more money in my pocket per month. i'd just need a down payment, and i'm wondering if my dad could help me out with that. once again, these are all just ideas. nothing set in stone. but, places i'd live: lagrange, oak park, naperville, and four lakes in lisle. i just can't wait for annie to move home. it's going to be just great.

job is going well. i just had my first review. ha. my department is so laid back. it was basically like my administrator taking me into a room and being like "i put some good comments about you and im sending it to HR." which is a predetermined raise (i think). and i just found out i get to go to this CINP congress in July, and they're putting me up in a hotel for a week. so that means a few things: 1. fun in the city with my international friends that i've become friends with via email. ha. 2. no commuting for an entire week. 3. playing "tour guide" 4. having my own hotel room (ahh, how relaxing, a getaway, sort of.) and 4. a week away from my typical office scene, escapes are always good. i'm so thrilled about tihs setup. i just really love my boss. he's on my side with everything. it's so refreshing. he's very supportive and encouraging about me starting graduate school... and he's just a good, good, guy. i have problems with one guy at work, whichi'm pretty sure i have goten my point across to :) he started to back off some. (he just has no social skills) but yea. the job is good. i just feel like i totally lucked out. i want to work at a hospital for a long time now i think. :) i've gained a lot of respect for these doctorst that literally put themselves last and pure solely about the care of other people. i'm not saying all doctors are this way--but my boss certainly is. and a few others i'm sure of it :) ok, enough about work.

i just want to say that i noticed all the younger girls (agds that were just babies when i was there) are about to graduate. i've been there guys! don't worry, it's definitely not the end of the world. i talk to janna, lindsey, and konah every single day. i'm not exaggerating. it's been two years. and even the rest of us, we talk frequently. i can't honestly say i've lost touch with anyone totally. at the same time, i can't believe it's two years. i still get somewhat of a rush every time i'm on campus (visiting). i just love purdue so much. it has a place in my heart.

the real world's not too bad though. you get bills yeah, but you get money too. and routine becomes someting you're just really used to. i'm proud of all of you guys though. :) it seems like i just graduated yesterday. i just can't believe that. but anyways, nonetheless... friends are friends forever, pardon the cliche. i still sometimes feel like i live with janna and lindsey. :) i love that.

well this is a long one. sorry for the ramblin! i'm going to get to bed. work tomorrow. ugh. sometimes i hate sundays... haha. i'll write more though. and maybe more interesting ones too.

until next time my faithful blog readers (ha) just kidding

i love this

in the picture
you're right beside me
arms around my neck
eyes like you'll never leave

a love lover
a sweet thing
i know we agreed
but i think i'll call you anyway

yeah hello
it's just me
a little distance
and i lost something in between

old friends

i just got back from visiting annie in new york... had a great time. of course, things to share. i was thinking on the plane ride home today how fortunate i am to have old friends. like, it's weird because we're all grown up now...and some things have changed, but it's so fun how you can get together and just become sixteen again. i love those memories most.

it's so great when somebody knows you so well that being you, simply you, is enough.

when i was picking out birthday cards for annie this year, i had a hard time and eventually had to get her two, one to mail, and one to actually give, because i couldn't decide which onei meant more.

one just said: "you're in all my favorite pictures."
the other: "even the people in my life who don't know you like you, just from the stories."

both so true of her.

we had a great time. the thing is: when people ask me what did you do? the answer is, i can't really explain it in a way that would do it justice. i mean, we literally just hung out. you know? but it was so much more fun than that makes it sound. it was exactly what i needed, to get away from naperville for a weekend and just spend some great sixteen-year-old and some great twenty-four year old moments with one of my favorite people in the world...

like the stars above

it has been forever since i've written. or at least i feel that way. it's weird, i think about it at the most awkward times, when i can't grab the computer (or a pen)... so tonight in the car i told myself, i'm going to get home, and i'm going to write. so here i am fulfilling that. ha.

just got back from a matt wertz show...good stuff. i love intimate concerts. i think there are two kinds of concerts: the summertime party get lawn tickets and drink concerts, and the small venue, you and an acoustic guitarist concerts... both have benefits. anyways...

was listening to the matt nathanson live cd which i just got, and, he covers dire straits 'romeo and juliet' which is just a damn good song to begin with, but i particularly love the line "i love you like the stars above, i'm gonna love you 'till i die...there's a place for us." and not to sound weird or anything, but i actually feel that depth of love for some people. like, i know i'm going to love them until i die. such a strong statement, but what a great feeling to have at the same time.

loving people is so interesting to me. it's such a bizarre thing how you can actually feel differently when you love someone. and i mean platonically too... i mean, i think everyone just has those certain people that regardless of what life's twists and turns may have in store for you, you have this little spot reserved in your heart for them. and you actually know that no matter what, you will love them. until you die. amazing, isn't it? i think so anyways.

i feel like work's taking over my life (i swore i'd never be one of those people...and i won't). it happens pretty quick somehow. i need to put a stop to that. too much other important stuff to do--like being spontaneous, living your dreams, etc.

i did however take the first step toward a very important goal of mine---and it's something i REALLY don't want to do. i registered for the GMAT. this scares me because, i've been out of school for about a year and a half now, and i'd say i stopped studying about 2 years ago. so, where to start? but i knew that i just needed to register for it, set a date, and get myself motivated. otherwise, i can talk myself into years and months of procrastination, and justify it! so, may 5, that's the big day. i ordered the prep book today too. i'm going to do this! i can do it. it might take several nights of me locking myself in the library or starbucks with the book, but i can do it. my application is done other than this test score... so, yeah. it's the necessary bridge i have to cross. i feel good that i at least have a date, and that i registered. now i just need to make myself study for it. :)

but life's been good to me. i wouldn't change much about my life right now--so that's always a good thing. i've been at my job a year, which i absolutely can't believe... but i'm happy that i somehow ended up in a good place.

that's all for now, i'll write again when inspiration hits and i'm not in a car... why is it always that way?

i love you like the stars above
i'm gonna love you 'till i die...

exhausting

ever just feel like you're trying to hard? and you're exhausting all of your efforts into something that one day you have the perspective enough to realize...will never be.
Or totally dedicating yourself to people who just do not seem to return the favor...and even worse do not seem to really care.
I guess I hate feeling disappointed, who doesn't? But it's worse when you really put your whole heart into a relationship with a person--and by relationship I mean any, a relative, a friend, a significant other--and realize far too late that you were giving 150%, and they were giving about 10. That whole time.

What a waste of time and energy.

And maybe I shouldn't look at it that way. I mean, I guess you come out being the better, bigger person, but there's only so many times you can reassure yourself with that fact. And only so many times you can accept it as enough in return.

Maybe the solution is to just lower your expectation of others--don't set yourself up to be impressed, and you won't be let down. I don't know, but whatever I've been doing for the past 24 years can't be right. People either need to start caring, or I need to stop.

you sounded so good on the phone

you sounded so good on the phone

all moved up, and all moved on

me and gravity--we never did agree.

i can almost see the sky,

when i need to close my eyes--

you're the only thing that's worth holding on to.

there's something i love about having candles lit at nightime and writing. it inspires me, i don't know if that's because it's supposed to. but it does.

i've found that if you fill your room with little trinkets that feel like home to you, that make you comfortable in your surroundings, whether it be a unique vase, or pictures of friends, or just a cozy blanket... they kind of make you feel like your space is occupied, so you feel just a little less alone. i'm aware that might sound crazy--but really, i think it's true.

i stay up entirely too late. it's when things come to me though. it's the only time i am able to put my crazy thoughts in words good enough to keep. and sometimes, not even that.

wouldn't the world be a little different if we just did exactly what we felt? some people do i guess. i don't. sometimes i wish i could do that. well, i could. sometimes i wish i would do that. i've become much better at speaking my mind though--both regarding the way i feel about things and the way i want things done. that's something i can say i've definitely improved on.

can't believe we're already like 10% through the new year... seriously, where does time go? i still have to think about it when i write down my age... sometimes i guess i just don't feel 24.

they had my cousin's story on a & e tonight. it was a long time ago, almost 2 years, but i'm honestly sick of bad things happening to good people. i have a hard time justfiying that. i need some answers. i want to know why babies die and murderers live...you know? it's something i struggle with everyday--not that exact scenerio, but you get what i'm saying. i'm not one that does good with "just because." or "that's the way it is." why? i need to know why.

do you ever feel like you're going to be alone for the rest of your life? i do. it's a scary thing to think about. that could be a really, really, long time from now. i guess you have to know that you can make it on your own, without wanting to still--does that make sense?

and i guess you never know. but the possibility...scary.
i get bored way too easily to spend the rest of my life alone. :)

anyways, goodnight.

two discoveries.

konah introduced me to this website, which i just absolutely love. it's called storypeople. they are just story excerpts, but summmed up perfectly--even if they're mid-phrase. they all make sense to me in a bizarre way. i just adore them. here are some of my favorite things i found on there...

"the exact moment of night & it's the kind of thing you remember for years afterwards he just happened to glance up at the right time "

"In the end, I think that I will like that we were sitting on the bed, talking & wondering where the time had gone. "

"I moved a lot when I was young & I still ache a bit at the thought of all those autumns in new & unfamiliar landscapes. "

"Just because they die, she said, doesn't mean they go away. "

"This only weighs a lot if you've forgotten to do the stuff you wanted to do all along."

"You're the strangest person I ever met, she said & I said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time. "

"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short. "

"I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who I am "
---
and thanks konah, for the best compliment i've received in a long time today.
"you're such a great person... you never stop thinking about other people." she told me. and you know, i think you try to be the best person you can, but it really only takes one person, or a few people, to shoot you right back down. that's something that will stick with me for a lifetime, though, and will make me strive to always be a better person. thanks for cheering me up all weekend konah... and everybody.
lindseys, "you make my life worthwhile"
anne's "you make it worthwhile for me too, i love you."
kelly's "you've always been one of my favorite people, amy."
iss' "hang in there a."
i love you guys.
and as for all this other stuff, it doesn't matter when i have such amazing, dedicated friends. i know we will know each other for such a long time, i couldn't ask for more.

so true

i think you love people until you understand them, she said, and i said, what happens then?
and she said oh, that's when you move away.

you can only change yourself

a lot of times, and all too often, i find myself wanting to change things for people. let me try to explain. if someone i'm close to, or even someone i just know or knew, is living a dishonest life, or just living with something i couldn't... i think about it all the time. how could they do that? how do they face themselves? well it was just recently that it occured to me--why do i care? what good is it going to do? and, i knew this all along, but i guess it just set in that although everything may seem okay with them on the outside, you have to face yourself at the end of the day right? and chances are if you're doing something in your life that you don't want other people to know about--it's not easy to face yourself. i can't imagine how hard it would be to disapprove of your own lifestyle, but be stuck and unable to change it. so hard. anyways, just some ramblings. things i stumbled upon.

life's been ok for me. i've been working and that's about it--but that's okay with me at this point. i see my friends occasionally. i'm up for doing something every day, so if someone offers, you can assume i'm there. the job is great. still working on graduate school. i need to prepare for a test, and i haven't studied in a year. i'm not really excited about that at all. but hey, when it's done, it's done.

i booked a flight to see anne in NY in march, and to visit lindsey in LA in may. i'm excited. i needed things to look forward to, and things to spend my vacation time on, so i'm not just taking off days and sitting at home--feels too unproductive these days. i don't enjoy inactivity anymore. but anyways, so these trips were the perfect solution to both problems. and it will of course, be good to see my friends. i miss them very much.

but that's about it. pretty sure i am moving in with anne pretty soon when aj gets deployed again. probably in naperville for about a year. that's the plan for now anyways... sounds good to me. :)

some new great lyrics. well, new to me.

please remember me
happily
by the rose bush laughing
with bruises on my chin
a time when
we counted every black car
passing your house
beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention.

but please, remember me.
fondly.
i heard from someone you're still pretty.
and they went on to say
that the pearly gate
had some eloquent graffiti
like "we'll meet again"
and "fuck the man"
and "tell your mother not to worry"
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry.
-iron and wine, "the trapeze swinger"

well it's 2006

happy new year. of course after a long weekend and about 4 days off... i'm wide awake at 2 am. go figure. i figured i'd update this--it's been sort of awhile. for me at least.

the holidays were great. in the past 7 work days--i've worked 2! ha. that is pretty worth it in itself. i've enjoyed my time off, spending it with my family, my friends from home. we were able to all get together, so that's always awesome. i miss the good old days but i'm glad everyone's doing well. still, when we all get together it's just like it was back then. i love that. and i know it will always be like that, which i love even more. i haven't stopped knowing them, you know? even though we've all been doing our own things for quite some time now. i still feel at home when i'm with them--and that's well, it's just awesome.

i guess every year i sort of make a point to reflect on the previous year and what has transpired... and so i'll make a little list of those things in 2005. as with anything in life, some good, some bad. so here goes:

• i got past this whole car accident thing. that's a major plus.
• i got a new car, stuck to my goals about paying it off, and it should be paid for in about april or may of this year. awesome.
• i paid off a few of my credit cards.
• i have my entire graduate school application done (including letters of recommendation! and my personal statement) i just need to take the GMAT!
• besides living with my parents i am completely independent financially! that means, no rent, but--double car payments, cell phone bills, credit card bills, student loans, car insurance, medical insurance, dentist/doctor appointments, prescriptions, and just everyday expenses. i'm proud of myself for that. i know that for everyone that's not a total 180, but considering how i was fully supported (and didn't work) during college--i think for me it's a long way to come in a year.
• i had a rough time getting a job for awhile there, and i was kind of hard on myself. this lasted a couple of months. but it paid off.
• i somehow, amazingly, landed a really good job. i have a great boss whos taught me a lot, and i can see myself there for a long time.
• i learned a lot about medical research, medical school, hospitals, doctors, etc. it has really been a big educational stepping stone for me. it's true you never know what you'll end up liking until you try it.
• my family moved back to naperville and i got to spend some quality months with my friends that live here again (before they move away...and before i move out.) also, i got to spend time with my parents after work and things like that. i know i'm getting old to be living at home, but honestly, i enjoyed doing it this last year. once i'm out, i'm out you know? i'm really grateful for this past year at home. i missed being around here. and my parents are pretty easy to live with. now i sort of feel ready to move on, but that's another whole story. i'm glad i did it while i could. it feels right.
• i lost my grandma this summer. i saw my, granted shes overemotional, mother go through the hardest time of her life. i realized how hard that is going to be for me someday.
• i got help for something i needed help for a long time ago. i found the strength to do that, and i'm so much healthier now because of it.
• i realized who my true friends are after leaving school.
• my best friend got married to a great guy.
• i stood up in my first wedding!
• one of my good friends from college had a beautiful baby.
• i threw my first baby shower (with the help of steph of course)!
• three of my friends got engaged.
• i was able to successfully rekindle with a lot of friends i had not so much lost contact with, but just had a hard time getting together with when i was away at school. i'm really happy about that. (that's you kara! among others.)
• i turned 24!
• christine and i finally had that joint birthday party we were always talking about growing up!
• i think i am (slowly but surely) getting a little less shy!
• i regained contact with some friends from school that i really missed. i'm so happy to have them back (mike, josh, pervis, etc.) i temporarily forgot how much fun we all have together.
• i talk to my college roommates every day. i don't feel any more distant from them than i did when i was living with them. i know we'll all grow old together.
• i really think that i did everything i could to be a good friend and a good daughter. i hope i'm right. i mean, i made mistakes. but for the most part, i think i did my best to fix them.
• i can honestly say i enjoyed my year.

and now i'm not really good at making resolutions. mostly because i hate making things that i end up not sticking to... and life sometimes can get a little busier than you expect. but in any case, my so called goals for the next year... well, here's a few.

• to stop obsessing over things that i really need to get over. to worry about my life, my own life, and to get over the past. to look to the future more. that's a big one for me.
• to take this dang gmat and get my loyola application in.
• to get a promotion, or a payraise, or both at work at my review this june.
• to continue to be a good friend and a good daughter to the best of my ability.
• to pay off my car.
• to keep paying off my credit cards.
• to figure out where i want to live, and once i do that (and my car is paid off) to get my own place.
• to visit Anne in New York and Lindsey in LA with my vacation time. Hopefully with friends!! Iss, Janna, Lisa, Konah...that's you guys!
• to keep the same relationship with my college roommates and my high school friends that i have right now.
• to always make time for my friends--no matter how busy i might feel. there are always more important things.
• to write more. to read more books. to do more. to travel.
• to get a healthier lifestyle--exercise, eat more wholesomely... in other words, less pizza, more chicken. less cookies, more apples.
• to give back. someway, somehow. and i don't mean just donating money. to actually physically do something for a good cause.
• to always remember how lucky i am. even on my worst days.
• to get one of my postcards on http://postsecret.blogspot.com
• to make someone's day. to make a lot of people's day.
• to not forget a single birthday of anyone i know. to make their birthdays great.
• i'd like a boyfriend--but i'm not going to get down on myself if i don't accomplish that. i think that has to sort of just happen. but let's just say i hope it happens to me :)
• to tell people what they mean to me rather than just thinking it all the time. to put my feelings on the table. i just think you never know when you can make someones day, or even save someones life. i think everyone has more going on than we sometimes realize. it's too easy to take people for granted.
• to be a little more outgoing. stop hiding so much. stop being so shy. reach out to new people! make friends at work, school, etc.
• to really and truly, fully believe in myself.
• to have another great year. to be my best.

well i think that about sums it up for now. it's quite possible that i'll end up adding more. to both categories, but in any case... i felt the need to address the new year after some great time with both family and friends. it's funny how i think life was over after college... i mean i knew better, but i couldn't imagine. and now i'm in a good place still. a very different world, but still a good life. i should spend less time thinking too hard maybe...

happy new year everyone.

so this is christmas

my parents and i went downtown last night to see A Christmas Carol at the goodman theatre... it's been a few years since we've done that. we used to go every year. but this year, as an adult it just meant that much more to me. i think my family is more important now and i've grown up a lot in the past 5 or so years. still every year i forget what christmas is about. i mean, i always know, but i'll have little glimpses of forgetfulness where i'll catch myself making a detailed list of things i want... but really it's much more about spreading joy and being with your family. and just, once a year, remembering what's important.

i love that play. it really puts things in perspective.

merry christmas.
remember what's important to you.

100 things about amy j

(thanks for the idea yerga)

1. i consider my bed to be a good investment.

2. i lived in texas for almost 10 years.

3. i was devastated when we moved.

4. for five years i hung every letter my best friend gave me on my wall--it took up a whole wall.

5. i went to private schools for 13 years.

6. although i'm not super religious, i'm very defensive of being catholic because of the way i was raised and schooled.

7. i don't think i'll be able to afford naperville when i'm older.

8. i am in love with my job.

9. i ended up doing something totally different than i ever thought i'd be doing, but i love learning and that's exactly what i'm doing.

10. i really look up to my boss.

11. i really look up to my parents.

12. i was adopted at birth and i really never think about it.

13. i feel completely part of my family.

14. i can't imagine my life any differently.

15. i did not care about where i applied to college.

16. i did not care which college i picked.

17. my parents have always cared way more where i went to school than i have.

18. i would have gone to naperville north if it wouldn't have disappointed my parents.

19. i'm really glad i picked purdue.

20. my best friend talked me into rushing a sorority.

21. before this i thought they were fake and i wanted nothing to do with them.

22. those sorority girls are now my best friends.

23. my dad always told me my friends for life would be my friends from college.

24. i didn't believe him.

25. he was right.

26. i have an extremely competitive personality.

27. if i could change one thing about myself, that would probably be it.

28. i really want to give back to society someday.

29. i don't know why i don't do something about it right now.

30. i have a really hard time letting go of things.

31. as with 30, i have a really tough time with change.

32. i'm disappointed easily.

33. i'm hurt even more easily.

34. i act a lot tougher than i am.

35. i'm sincerely scared i am not going to get married.

36. i cried about this once at jakes (i was drunk).

37. i want to apply to graduate school REALLY bad, but i can't seem to get my act together.

38. i take a lot of pictures.

39. i really only like black and white pictures.

40. but i still get mine developed in color most of the time.

41. my favorite color lately is green.

42. i think this is due to its absense in the rest of my life.

43. i think i was really cute in kindergarten.

44. i have owned two cars and they are/were both red.

45. i used to hate red cards.

46. i love love love love love love music.

47. i can not imagine my life, a bad day, driving, any aspect of life without music.

48. my favorite movies are good will hunting, meet joe black, dead poets society, love actually, serendipity, and finding neverland.

49. i hope to be like morrie when i'm old and sick.

50. i consider myself an optimist but i think i may actually be a pessimist.

51. i really want to go to italy.

52. i am terrified of alligators.

53. i used to be terrified of rollercoasters.

54. one time my parents went on the ghost tour of the Queen Mary in california and i screamed and interrupted the tour. oops.

55. all of my friends are starting not to use AIM--i consider this us "getting old."

56. i wish i had the patience to learn more about web design. i really like it.

57. i miss my dog every day.

58. the only thing i miss about california is the memories.

59. i wonder where i will be in ten years and i have no idea.

60. i'd like to read more than i do.

61. i love to write anything and everything.

62. i love the power of words.

63. that is one of the main reasons i love music.

64. one of my teachers at purdhe changed my life and he has no idea.

65. i always thought about telling him.

66. but i was way too scared.

67. in high school i thought the same thing of a teacher, but i told him.

68. i was getting a bad grade in his class but i wanted him to know that i tried.

69. he was really touched when i told him.

70. there are two things i want to do at some point in my life: make greeting cards or work for a greeting card company, and get published as an author.

71. if i do those two things, i will be really proud.

72. i owe my parents a lot of money that they would never let me pay them back.

73. i always wonder if i'll be unselfish enough to do the same someday for my kids.

74. i like shopping for other people more than i like shopping for myself.

75. i never in a million years thought i'd work in a hospital.

76. there are a lot of people that i wish i'd gotten to know in college, and in life.

77. i can not believe i am 24 years old.

78. people keep telling me that's young.

79. i think it's really, really old.

80. i think i am running out of time to get all of these things done.

81. i wrote a list when i was in 8th grade, 100 things i wanted to do before i died.

82. i wish i knew where it was so i could start crossing things off.

83. i tell my parents everything.

84. i treat them like they are my friends.

85. i think david letterman is hot.

86. not for an old guy, for any guy.

87. i love everything that tom hanks is in.

88. i think i am over dave matthews band.

89. i never thought i'd say that!

90. i could make a list right now of everyone i will know for the rest of my life.

91. it would be right on target.

92. Target is my favorite store.

93. i like shopping for stationary and candles better than clothes.

94. i like clothes too, just not as much.

95. i hate cold weather and snow except on christmas.

96. in texas we used to swim on christmas.

97. i don't really like carpet.

98. i get stressed out when people aren't down to earth.

99. i get stressed out way too easily.

100. i know better, but life can be tough to plan.

sunday morning, rain is falling

i have been thinking about someone every day for five years. i'm not tired of it. that's the worst part. i go back to old journals, pictures, letters, and i'm right back in that time. it is refreshing, but unfair.

i hate this. that you can be thinking about someone across the country for this long, and know that they've kind of forgotten about you. they're living their life happily somewhere else... and you're at home...missing them.

i miss the closeness. the conversations. and i'm sorry if that sounds corny, but i actually miss those things the most. i'm kicking myself for never saying things i should have said, and doing things that i shouldn't have done. i miss that time in my life. i'd do almost anything to go back and make changes. i could have done something. and maybe it wouldn't have mattered--but at least i'd know now. and i wouldn't be thinking so much about it and mentally exhausting myself over things i really have no control over.

i still love him...

and maybe...

and maybe i will never get it all figured out. i mean, maybe not. maybe i am not meant to. maybe i'll live my entire life by myself. but that's okay. maybe music will lead me through my life. maybe my writing will somehow catch a wild wave and make me famous or something... maybe.

but i'm not counting on any of that.

i hope to someday, watch the sunrise again in the same intent i did last.
i hope to someday, raise a family, as strong as mine.
i hope to someday, be respected for what i believe in. i hope for a solid life.

and until then -- i'll be dreaming.
first night of being 24.... goodnight world.

thanks

thank you to:
christine, iss, lisa, annie, kara, janna, lindsey, konah, foy, christina, ali, jenny, alex, ashley, yerga, rachel, melanie, jen, mike, nick, kelly, steph, miss allison mark, maddy, julie, B (such a nice, unexpected message.. thanks) carey and last but not least (and not that they will read this) my parents.

thank you so much for your birthday wishes. it's once a year you realize what you mean to everyone. i am so glad to know you all. thank you for being wonderful people to me. really... it's what keeps me going. every single day.

i'm really sorry if that sounds corny but i've realized a lot since college. who should be around and who shouldn't. so i want you all to know (or whoever reads this) that every impact means a lot to me. even the smallest notion of kindness impacts me. and i may seem like i'm always one to joke around or whatever, but when it comes down to it, this is what counts... to me.

so thank you
for phone calls, emails, and facebook messages. you all mean a lot.


love you.

amy

my birthday

i have spent my entire birthday... it is 4 pm, laying in bed listening to jackson browne.

it was exactly what i needed.

i cancelled all my plans, avoided conversations. i just spent my birthday with...me.

thank you.

sometimes i can't help but to think how nice it would be to pack up and abandon everything you know. go with just yourself. see where you get. don't let people's judgements get in your way. live a life that only you understand.

"and while the future's there for anyone to change,
still you know it seems
it would be easier sometimes just to change the
past.
i'm just one or two years
and a couple of changes
behind you
In my lessons of loves pain and heartache school."

be careful with me

there's this jewel song i used to really like. because i used to really relate to it i guess. there is a line that said "please be careful with me. i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way." just thinking about that today.

i get my hopes up too much. really. i really got hurt today because i set myself up for disaster. i got really excited about something that was unrealistic. and guess what, it didn't happen. and now i'm here, hurt, two days before my birthday.

when this was all going on--my mom came in and goes "so nobody is planning anything for your birthday" and i seriously just started bawling. it is so weird, i'm not usually emotional that way. i just cried. i think she was confused. and so i explained to this person that hurt me that i'm fragile and i can't handle situations like that. i really can't take being let down. i swear, you take a chance with someone and you're always going to get hurt. it seems to happen to me all the time.

iss picked me up and tried to cheer me up. she always knows what to say. she is the best. one of those people you can't imagine your life without... you know? we listened to keith urban and i had tears in my eyes. i miss so many parts of my life that aren't there anymore. i miss so much from the past that i won't get back. it just doesn't seem right because you only live once you know? i want a lot of second chances that i will, unfortunately, never have.

check out these words (i know, i know it's country, still, they're so good)

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need them
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot BETTER
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

the strong part of me relates to that. the weak part doesn't. i'll always miss the greatness in my life that doesn't exist anymore. i'll always miss something. i guess that's a part of being alive. i just wish people weren't so hurtful. today was the first time, in a really long time, i felt really, truly hurt. i guess i should sleep on it some. 24 hours until 24 years old... life moves too quick.

Powerful

One of the most powerful moments of my life...

Middle of the night... "This song's for you Amy"

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long

But when you hold me like you do it feels so right
I start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling, like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife
If you love me, I've got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last

So whose to worry if our hearts get torn
when that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on?
And won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last.
This year's love had better last.

I love this song. It's like - don't think too hard. Just go for it. Follow your heart. The third verse says it all...

giving thanks

we didn't do grace this year at dinner. i think it's because everyone feels strange saying it without my grandma around. not to be morbid but it's been 2 years since we lost her... time flies. i miss her. she was always so complementary of me. it's amazing to see someone whos lived your life in years times three and still has respect for you. it's a good feeling.

i've begun to appreciate everything. i think it's part of getting old, but really...

thank you to all of my favorite people. you know who you are. you read this. you make my life better. you make me who i am. i've made it this far because of you. thanks.

happy thanksgiving everyone.

i always think of things to write about when i'm driving. but then i forget them. maybe i should keep a little notebook in my center counsel or something for that reason. i remember in my college creative writing class, our teacher made us carry around a pocket notebook, like it was an actual assignment because he's like "you guys will run into things all of the time that you will just want to write about later... so, write it down." at first i thought it was weird/embarrassing, but he was actually right. interesting.

went to dinner last night with friends at cafe iberco. good times. i love that place. i love get togethers of any type. it's so great when people make time for each other outside of work, even if it's just a couple of hours. a working girl needs that ya know?

annes coming home this weekend. that will be great. she's one of my favorite people in the world to be around. she's just so neutral. it's relaxing, honestly. it's like there's never any rush for anything, never any complications of any sort... plus, she hasn't been over since we moved. should be fun.

sorry about my last depressing post. i know i can be really down on myself sometimes. i guess everyone can. really though i was just being honest. there's things i want in life that i know that i can't have... i suppose there are those things for everybody.

and that's part of life. getting by on your own.

i have a wonderful life...sometimes

weekend realizations:

i will always have a lot of really great friends for my whole life.
nothing makes me happier than being with people i'm comfortable around. being myself, and being really liked for that.
a different life takes over once you graduate, but when you go back to school with the people you spent time with there... it feels the exact same, and probably always will.
life can be hard sometimes--a release can fix that immediately.
sometimes escaping the norm is all you have to do to feel sane.
appreciation is stronger than it seems.
compatibility is a strange thing.

i still love the same guy that i did eight years ago. i don't know if i can ever change that, but i really hope so.
i wish it was okay for me to call him.
i wish he would call me.
i wish he cared as much as i do.
i wish my former 10 page single-spaced thoughts on paper after the last time i saw him didn't get deleted with the loss of my old computer.
i wish i could have him.
i know that i can't.
but i dream that i can to keep me feeling healthy.
i hold on to the good times. every single morning and night.
i still think of him every time i hear a love song. there's just not anyone else that comes to mind.
i still remember what it was like to sleep next to him.
that's the closest i've ever been to love i guess... hope that changes.

i feel like i'm getting too old to do this young love thing, and i'm going to miss out on a lot.
wish i had a little more on my resume in that area.

i love my parents. i'm really scared for the times when i'm going to have to go through what they just went through with their parents.... i hope neither one ever gets sick. i honestly, truly, don't know how i am going to ever be okay after that. i know it's depressing to talk about but nevertheless inevitable...

life life life
good and bad

That the sky would lift
That I’d find my place
That I’d see your face in the door
And the sun would glint
On a time well spent
On a time that ain’t no more

a late night halloween realization

3:30 a.m. i just woke up. i guess, happy halloween! ha. i just had a dream though so i felt like writing. because i woke up and i wasn't even in a daze. it's weird, i was like awake and started thinking. and i just went to bed at 11, so i really don't understand why... but that's alright.


it is kind of funny how things end up. i think about all of the people i've met in my lifetime... and allowed myself to become, at some point or another, close to. a lot of times that was setting myeslf up for disaster. but it's like, when i was younger and i guess in more social settings, i didn't really care. it was almost like i could have complete disrespect for somebody, and still call them a friend. that has, since college, all changed.

i realize now that i can't enjoy someones company if i don't respect their lifestyle. by that i don't mean that they need to be just like me, but i think you have to have a certain amount of respect for yourself, and respect for other people...to be respected. a lot of people that i used to call friends don't fall into this category, and i've noticed the distance since college. and the weirdest part? it feels so healthy.

i'm not saying i'm perfect. i am most certainly not. i have made a lot, and i mean a lot of mistakes in my lifetime. i have a lot of regrets. but i think i have learned from them, and i think that i can say with a pretty decent amount of validity that i treat my friends with the same respect that i feel for them. and people who don't do that in return...well, i don't need them.

i know certain people are evil. i know some people just do not seem to care if they hurt you or not. i've realized all of this. i've had plenty of friends through the years, come and gone because they were out for themselves and themselves only, and honestly did not care if they hurt anyone along the way. i was not built that way. i don't understand it. but i have realized that is how it is, and now, at almost 24, i've surrounded myself with people whom i have mutual respect for. this natural selection process so to say, has cut out a lot of the drama in my life, a lot of the guilt i used to feel for being gossipy, either first or second hand, and a lot of the paranoia i used to feel hanging around people that i knew would hurt me, had they had the chance. everyone in my daily life right now is a positive, and it feels very healthy.

wow, that was a lot to write at almost 4 am.
well, happy halloween. goodnight.

bored

i think this is actually the first time i'm writing on here because i'm bored. usually it's because i think of something, and want to write about it... today, just bored.

had a really good weekend. i went to see matt nathanson and matt wertz at the house of blues. it was a lot of fun. saturday night i went out downtown naperville with christine and her roommate. we had a good time.

been fairly unproductive today. i just kinda laid around. i just took a shower for the day... i'm just kinda feeling like not really doing anything, although i might rent a movie later on. i always get kinda sad on sundays because i know i have to go to work the next day... i mean i like my job, but after 2 days off, another wouldn't be too bad. oh well, such is growing up.

i think i realized i'm getting a little too old to be going to concerts. seriously i don't know what it is, but both this concert and the jason mraz one, janna and i were like the oldest people there. i don't know if it's because we like starting artists, so by the time they catch on the whole high school crowd is there, or because we're just....getting older. it's crazy though, now i realize how YOUNG i was when i used to go to all those concerts in chicago. i actually understand my parents concern now about me riding the train back at midnight... we were so young... but felt so old. it's totally crazy how when you're a kid you have no concept of being an adult. like i seriously was annoyed and could not understand, in my wildest dreams, what the big deal was for me to ride a train downtown at night with my friends. haha. looking back, i'm totally freaked out by it, and glad we made it out safe. being a kid was great. i miss it sometimes. just sometimes though.

i do not feel 24. i will be 24 in less than a month. i do not feel that old. yikes.

time in the adult world really goes quick. i can not believe i've been at my job for almost 6 months. actually, it's 6 months on wednesday i think... crazy. and a YEAR since i graduated college? are you kidding me? fastest year of my life. literally! it went so fast.

i'm happy where i'm at though. i just don't want to get old. but i guess, that's sort of inevitable. sorry, this post is really weird. i'll stop before it gets weirder.

four in the morning.

so it's four am. this is the first time i've been up at this time on a work night in a really long time. actually, maybe even the first time ever since i started my job. i don't know what my deal is. i went to sleep at 10, woke up at 3 and i can't stop thinking long enough to get back to sleep. i've been a little anxious all day. it happens sometimes. ugh.

the thing is, i have a really bad habit of freaking myself out about things i shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. and i have one of those minds, unfortunately, that once it gets going, does not stop. so here i am, 4 am, tossing and turning when i know very well i have to be up at 6:30 over things that i really need to quit thinking about.

i'm really freaked out about this whole youth thing being over. i guess i feel like i missed out on some stuff. like, i know i have great friends and family, and i had fun in school and all of that, but it scares me that you can't go back to being 16. i guess i have this image in my head of what being 16, and 17, 18, 19, 20, 21... is all about. and i just don't know if i did things right. i know that's a pointless thing to even spend time thinking about, but for whatever reason, i think about it a lot. and i tell myself "you can't go back." and i know all of that. but there is still something that i just feel like i messed up on.

when i was younger i feel like i never worried about anything. now, that may just be because the things i worried about seem stupid now, but seriously, now i'm worried about something ALL the time... i hate it. i wish i didn't think so hard. i really do. i seriously can not relax. it sucks.i'm way too hard on myself.

i wish i had a lot of answers about things. i'm scared one day i'm going to be old looking back on my life and wish i'd done things differently. i'm also scared i might never get old. i don't know. i have problems. i wish i had some more solutions.

sorry for such a depressing post. just needed to put all of this somewhere instead of tossing and turning... seriously, i felt like i was going insane. i feel a little better now. hopefully, tomorrow's a new day. hopefully, the next post is way more optimistic.

goodnight

statements of truth

i feel so disconnected from you these days that i feel like you could die and i wouldn't know in time. i wouldn't be on the list of people to call. but it still feels like yesterday, if that makes sense. time has gotten in the way.

i can not stand when people can not stand themselves to the point that it makes them rip others apart. i can see through these people. i can tell when their own insecurities make them evil and emotionally uncareful.

i read my old journals and realized that i've always been fragile and i've always been strong. both at the same time. they seem like two contradictory things to be, right? and maybe that's why i write. to untangle the two.

i think dying is the scariest thing in the world. i wish it didn't happen... to anybody.

i'm truthfully not jealous of anyones life--not anyone gorgeous, not anyone famous, not anyone rich, not anyone appearingly perfect. my life in it's own way, has been a challenge. it makes the good better, it makes the bad easier.

i enjoy life.
i'm glad to be here.

life in slow motion

on the new david gray cd my favorite track is this one that just repeats itself. really, there are like 7 lines and it just repeats in different melodies that for some reason i just love. i don't know what it is. and i've been really confused by it so i've been trying to figure it out. see usually i like songs solely based on lyrical originality, so this is confusing to me why i like this song best... anyway... before i go on, the song is called "Slow Motion" and these are the words:

While I was watching you did a slow dissolve
While I was watching you did a slow dissolve
While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes
Did I imagine they held us hypnotized
Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes

Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real
Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real
Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real

Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands
Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands
Snowflakes are falling now you’re my long lost friend

seems pretty simple right...okay but nothing david gray writes is really simple! so i think i figured it
out today finally...not the song, but i think i figured out why i like it.

you know, in life, when something happens to you, and it's so impacting in some way, either because it's so incredible, or so perfect, or so sad, or just unbelievable, that life seems to sort of stand still for a minute? it's the kind of thing where you're like... "this could not be real. this could not be really happening. somebody, please, wake me up." well, that's what i think he means by life in slow motion. sometimes things seem to move a little slower and i think it's because we're trying to, to the best of our human ability, capture it and hold on to it, just a few moments longer. u know i have had a few of those moments, in fact, i kind of wish i'd had more. they're magical. but now i'm still not exactly sure what this song is about, but i did come up with that today in the car. haha, maybe i'm just crazy. but it is 1 am and i need to be up in 5 hours. so... goodnight.

completely content

you ever have one of those moments when you just realize you're completely content with everything around you? i mean, everything, down to the music, your peripheral vision, your company, background noise, weather, the whole scenerio. i love that. when you just think for a second... life is really something else.

it can amaze me sometimes. how easy it is to get upset over petty little things when in fact there are times like that and you just kinda see your life in front of you and think "none of that really matters." strange how the smallest of things can and do feel so heavy sometimes. but life always goes on... and the little problems just seem to get littler with time.

i'm so unbelievably happy lately. i mean seriously, sincerely happy. i have somehow landed a great job with a great, understanding, and patient boss. i am finally back in my hometown, living at home... which a lot of people mind. i don't. for a couple of reasons. one, because i'm literally never here. i come home, eat dinner, talk online, and go to sleep to get up for work again. two, i really enjoy my room. and three, most importantly i think, i have seriously developed a friendship with my parents. they trust me, they let me do what i want to do, and they take care of me. it's really not all that bad. i mean, i lived on my own for 4.5 years, it's not all so bad to come home to someone who cooks you dinner... for the time being anyways.

in the back of my mind too, somber as this may sound, i kinda feel like why not live at home now... i mean my parents are getting older you know, and once i move out, i move out. why not spend another year in close quarters with them? why not hang on to youth a little longer? i guess i'm kind of scared to leave them... because in a way, that's it.

i mean i feel the whole independence thing, you know. i want to get out and be on my own. just not immediately. i feel like i have the rest of my life to do that, and if things are pretty good here and i'm saving a bunch of money, really, what's the rush? i enjoy naperville. i maybe do\n't love the hour - hour and a half drive to work - but i really enjoy my living situation.

aside from all of those things i have future goals to go to graduate school at loyola, which is an incredible deal in itself (because its free). i don't know when but i know i want it to happen, and that's enough for me. no need to rush things. i'm happy. really. i love my friends.i love that i've realized at age 23 who i'll know for the rest of my life, who the real friends are... i love my family. i love the people that i know, i love that i really have gotten to really know myself and understand who i am, and i really like my adult lifestyle. sounds silly maybe but i'm completley at peace in my surroundings...

it's not all so bad after college :)
i mean, i still miss our apartment, but 10 months after graduation i can say... i'm happy.

such is life

as usual i've found myself overwhelmed with emotions lately. i've always been emotional--and by that i don't mean the type that cries at movies. but i think too much.

i had a really good weekend. friends from out of town came in and really the best parts about it were when were were doing nothing at all. life's so strange that way. how many hours of my life have i spent making really extravagent plans and when do the best things happen? when you've planned nothing at all. when you're least expecting them to. i wonder why that is.

growing up isn't horrible except that you can't do what you want to all the time anymore. that freedom sort of leaves, like the spontaniaty of it is gone because you have a pretty set schedule. sometimes i think it would be nice to just pack a little bag of things and go, just go, and figure out your destination later. but those days really are gone.

i had a quote in my AIM profile for a long time about how everyone's always in such a hurry to grow up and then when you turn 23 and start working full time all you want to do is go back to the days where you can be young. it's so true. i remember never being "old enough." always wanting just a little bit more freedom, and now, looking back,. i'd give anything in the world to be nineteen again. but i suppose that's all part of the plan.

in any case, i know great people and i'm a lucky girl and this weekend really made me realize how much i enjoy and appreciate my life.

Thanks.

this weekend i had a little get together, a bbq with some cocktails... i pretty much invited everyone i stay in some sort of contact with. that contact varies. either we run into each other sometimes and say we should hang out more, or we talk every day, or we used to talk everyday. so, the turnout was interesting.

it was what would be considered a random mix to most people, because they were from all different parts of my life, but to me it was just really refreshing. to see who cared enough to show up. i know obligations happen and not everyone can be there, and i understand that. it's just really great to see a lot of people i sort of expected to not come, to come. and not just to come over, but to welcome my parents back and chat with them, bring cards and bottles of wine. i was looking out the window at one point and just noticing how polite everyone was being and i thought to myself... i know some really awesome people.

i woke up today and i just felt tired, but i felt good. like almost satisfied, i guess. everything just went so great. it's so interesting in life how things just work out. how a year ago the crowd at my house would have been a totally different crowd, but how i'm so very happy with the crowd that it was. i really enjoy my life, i really do. i think i'm extremely fortunate and i hope i do my part in giving back to all of these people that just by being them, make me so much more myself. if that makes any sense whatsoever.

thanks everybody for being a part of my life.
i know that's really deep and stuff, but i really mean it.
i'm who i am because i know all of you. and i love being able to be who i am without any falsities or insecurities. i have you all to thank for that. in the process of 23 years i think i've stumbled upon who are my real friends and my friends for life and i'm so incredibly happy with the turnout. love you all.

ramblings

this weekend driving konah's car back from purdue, because my battery died, because i left the glove compartment open... i found myself beginning to really feel sorry for myself. we've all done it. the whole "my life couldn't be any worse." and then i took a moment to realize, wait, what am i talking about? i just had an amazing weekend with amazing friends--one of whom knew i needed to be home so bad that she didn't even hesitate to let me take her car home. what in the world is so bad about someone with that life?

i do it sometimes. i'll start to feel bad for myself. and convince myself i have it worse than everyone else... and i think it used to last, but now it's almost like i catch myself, like "shut up amy! you are damn lucky and you know it..." just a thought.

you know i miss school, but it's so different. i mean it's still fun, same familiar places, but for me it's missing a lot of familiar faces... it's just someone else's school now and i can respect that. i had 4 great years there. i'm glad someone else gets to too.

it's just sad how life changes. i know i've said that before. but i mean the way you picture your life 10 years ago is always different than it is... and that wouldn't be such a bad thing if we never lost people along the way, you know?

i've found though, and maybe i'll keep finding, but that if you do everything in your power to hold on to someone in life and they still resist, that you just have to kinda live through the memories. and it's sad. sometimes i'm not ready to give up yet... but it's just that you can't make somebody love you. you can't make somebody more like you, in that they care more, in that they try. you can't change people. so you give your all and make yourself someone good to be around, and you live your life. and that is all you can do... and maybe, just maybe, that's why we're here, and that's why life holds so many little surprises along our journey. to keep the faith that things are still possible.

it's my life

i've had one of those days today where i'm not completely myself... where i almost get ahead of myself and then it's like, wait, did that really just happen? but it did...
it's kinda crazy, i don't really think i have a temper, but i do get upset really easily sometimes. i wish i wasn't that way. i wish i could walk away from an argument and return to it later, clear-minded... i just wasn't built like that.

what i always think when i'm starting to get upset about something someone did or said to me though, is, once i've calmed down some i think... why do i care? why do i care what they think of me and what they say to me? this is my life! i have a lot of great people in it who love and care for me.. a lot that wouldn't say such things to me... so when someone does, why care?

i don't know, i guess i'm fragile. i think most everyone's fragile. it's really easy to get hurt because you have to perform every day, and no matter what happened the day before you have to hold your head high and your shoulders tall and live out the day. especially in the working world. it's strictly business when you're at work. they don't know your friends, they don't know your family. they know you have a job to do regardless of what on earth happened on your way to work... and that's hard sometimes. it's not like college where you can just skip a class and take a breather and talk it out with your friends. you have to walk tall, even if you feel small.

love

there are a lot of people that i know that i wish would learn how to love people more.

searching

"Was trying to find me something but I wasn't sure just what
Funny how they say that some things never change"

seriously... i don't know what it is with me being in a car and having the windows down and the sunroof open, with music, that just moves me to this place where music hits me that much harder... but i was doing this last night...on the way home from the mall. and it was a perfect night, seventy and breezy, no humidity for miles...and something about the sky being visable while music is playing i guess, i don't know... anyway, this line particularly hit me and i thought - need to remember to write about that tomorrow. so here i am.

feels like i'm always searching, you know.. .and ryan pins it perfectly because i'm never sure what i'm looking for. so you wonder how you know when you'll find it. i don't even mean just like finding the person you want to marry either, but finding your place, your niche... all that good stuff. does it just set in one day... who knows.

oh my sweet carolina... what compels me to go...
oh my sweet disposition....may you one day carry me home

truths

i know that the reason i wear my grandmother's perfume isn't because i like the smell...but because i didn't cry enough when she died. i know that i hold on to fictional nothings because i'm so entirely scared of being by myself forever. i know that the reason i stay up so late at night is because i can't accept that i'm not perfect. i know that there are a lot of things i probably should have let go of years ago that i still can't let go of. i know that i frame pictures so that i don't forget that people love me. i know that i will not be okay for a long time after my parents pass away. i know that in my life, i have certainly overreacted to some situations that i will never be humble enough to apologize for. i know that right now i think i've corrected myself but in ten years i'll think i was stupid right now. i think that when i get everything right, it will be too late to use it.

my space

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moments that changed me

i've had this idea for the past few days, because i'm thinking about all these life altering moments that made me ultimately who i am today... and i figured, why not list them? why not put them down? so here goes nothing.

olive garden, 1990, dallas, texas. the table gets awkwardly silent all too quickly after my brother mutters the words, "so what if we do move to chicago?" and prior to this i had no idea. i thought that the rest of my 10-year old career would continue on good old 2028 robin hill lane, i thought i'd perfect my skills as a swimmer, grow old with my next door neighbor and childhood best friend jen. all of that changed at that very moment. my dad got a promotion...and we were moving to chicago.

woodstock illinois, 2000. it's our senior year logos retreat for my high school. the room is dark and i'm surrounded by about 50 of my graduating class peers whom prior to this trip, most were strangers. candles are lit up front and a voice starts to read a letter, "dear amy..." a letter from my dad exemplifying his pride in me, but even more measurable, his sadness to see me go. a letter that has, to this day, never left my mind even for an hour of the day.

rachelle's house, 2000. me and my best friends are sitting in a garage over bud light bottles and cigarette smoke. the following morning, anne was leaving for college. we'd spent the past days, weeks even, dreading this very moment, when the first person had to leave this town we'd all grown to know and love, and our lives would be forever different. we cried, we told, we exchanged sad sillent moments until the sun rose.

august 2000. my parents are dropping me off at college. we arrive early, bring up loads of things, meet my new roommate, and take a walk around the campus. i remember asking if i would ever know my way around there, and if purdue west was in walking distance (which it most certainly was). afterwards, we have dinner, and we pull up to merideth hall, my home for the next year. i knew i had to go in. mixed feelings--excitement for a new place, sadness for leaving the old one and my parents. i acted excited, but i was hiding something. i was scared. the last thing i said to them was "i can't wait to meet new people." complete lie. i hugged my parents goodbye, both of them crying, i fought my tears and put on a front of excitedness and happiness. i turned around and walking back i cried the hardest i've ever cried in my life. that whole night.

room 2-1 in the alpha gamma delta house, purdue university, 2003. my dad's been unemployed for a year and is starting to get down on himself some. i get a phone call while im sitting at my desk telling me he's accepted a job and my parents will be moving to california. i cried for 3 straight hours. not because i would be going, not because i would have to change schools, but because the house i grew up in was going to be someone else's and my parents were going to be 2000 miles away.

dining room, alpha gamma delta, january 2004. it's annual recruitment. but it's our senior year. for the past 3 years i've watched people sit on the stairs and cry with their pledge class, each year, understanding a little bit more about why. now it's our year. i read a letter that i wrote about the last 3 years of my life. prior to this, never realizing the importance. but the combination of expressing everything i felt about the past three years as well as being surrounded by what i knew to be my best friends, while waving goodbye to something so fulfilling and welcoming... well, it was hard.

december 2004. a short moment. sitting in the car with my dad while he's about to drive me back to purdue because i'd just been in a really serious car accident and no longer had a car. he expresses his concerns to me and actually uses the phrase, "you are my life." i can still hear how it sounds.

december 2004. picking up the last things i had in apartment 8 on 305 n salisbury. i had just graduated college. my roommates were all gone. we'd spent the last night drinking 25 cent beers, crying, and eating delivery mexican food and drinking boxed wine after the bars. we spent the last week knowing we had to go. i grabbed my bag, i headed for my car, looked one more time over the now empty apartment, seemed impossible it was over, shut the door, locked the door and headed on my way. i dropped off our apartment keys wtih tears in my eyes. got into my car and knew that the minute i ramped on to that highway 65 my life would be completely changed as i knew it. purdue would be completely changed as i knew it. this chapter was over. bittersweet cause though i knew my friendships with my roomates would last a lifetime, a sadness because our college lifestyle, our four years, was up.


...to be continued.

a different sort of survey

sorry. nothing to write about lately--at all. i guess that's good, it means nothings wrong. it's weird, sometimes my thoughts are turned on, sometimes completely off. anyways, found this fun blog today: www.papertowel.org

she had a survey on there and, for lack-of-posting-lately reasons, i decided to fill it out on here.

1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what’s the first thing you look at?
my hair also, to see if it's being normal for the day or not. and to see if a ponytail is necessary.

2.How much cash do you have on you?
six dollars

3.What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?
probably zest, like the soap
hahah

4.Favorite plants?
oh okay, i'm just learning about plants. just bought some calililies for my room. i have no idea if that is how you spell that. remember i'm just learning?

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
haha, the party planning lady for anne's bachelorette party. random.

6.What is your main ring tone on your phone?
i leave it on vibrate, but seriously cingular has the weirdest rings. i have to put it on "cingular tone" or whatever that one is called because everything else is SOOOO weird.

7.What shirt are you currently wearing?
a brown sleeveless one. and i brought a white jacket, even though it's auguest, because the a/c at work is usually around 60 degrees.

8.Do you “label” yourself?
no i don't think so. i really don't care. i'm me. i mean, i know what i am, i know what i'm not. but i don't specifically label myself.

9.Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
steve madden

10.Bright or Dark Room?
dark for sure. my eyes are getting older. i can tell.

11.What d