30.

i turned 30 about two months ago.

i didn't really think i'd have a problem with turning thirty, and i still don't really have a "problem" with it, but i'll admit that it does feel a lot older than 29 did. and while i know it's just a number, it feels different.

something happened in the past few months. i have no idea if it has to do with me, my circumstances, or the way life has handled itself to me, but suddenly i'm just so much less concerned with what anyone thinks. i don't mean that in a bad way. i respect opinions of my friends and family and always will, but i just don't seem as affected by it as i used to. i can remember entire days and nights consumed with thoughts of "what do they think?" and i can honestly say i just don't think that way anymore. i still love everyone, i always will. i respect opinions, but i realized that you just have to listen to yourself. and i have no idea what made me realize it, but i did... and i'm happier than i've been in a long time.

i have realizations about a lot of things. i know i was meant to be a teacher. i have always known so and still do. every time i hear anyone say "follow your heart" or "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" it secretly hurts me because i know i need to teach. but - it's not too late and i will!

love: love has brought upon emotions in me that i didn't even know were possible. both positive and negative. i have become the loving person i knew i had in me, but to a capacity i did not even realize i had in me. and, i have been happy to an extent that i didn't even realize was possible. negatives: i feel so strongly sometimes that i react in ways i didn't know i was capable of. love is SO powerful. i never believed anyone about this. it changes you, for the better, mostly, but also sometimes for the worst. i refuse to believe anyone that their relationship is perfect. it would be wonderful if life worked that way, but it just doesn't. at the end of the day though, it just doesn't matter.

it just doesn't.

if you love each other, you do everything in your power to always love each other. there are ups, there are downs, it's not that different than life, except you have something to look forward to coming home to. it is not an easy world and love/relationships aren't an exception to the rule. if it was perfect, would it be realistic? it's work, but it's worth it.... and i can tell you one thing - my life hasn't been perfect, my relationship hasn't been perfect, but i so strongly know where i belong. and that is all that matters. :)

happy new year!