Tuesday, November 29, 2005

and maybe...

and maybe i will never get it all figured out. i mean, maybe not. maybe i am not meant to. maybe i'll live my entire life by myself. but that's okay. maybe music will lead me through my life. maybe my writing will somehow catch a wild wave and make me famous or something... maybe.

but i'm not counting on any of that.

i hope to someday, watch the sunrise again in the same intent i did last.
i hope to someday, raise a family, as strong as mine.
i hope to someday, be respected for what i believe in. i hope for a solid life.

and until then -- i'll be dreaming.
first night of being 24.... goodnight world.


thank you to:
christine, iss, lisa, annie, kara, janna, lindsey, konah, foy, christina, ali, jenny, alex, ashley, yerga, rachel, melanie, jen, mike, nick, kelly, steph, miss allison mark, maddy, julie, B (such a nice, unexpected message.. thanks) carey and last but not least (and not that they will read this) my parents.

thank you so much for your birthday wishes. it's once a year you realize what you mean to everyone. i am so glad to know you all. thank you for being wonderful people to me. really... it's what keeps me going. every single day.

i'm really sorry if that sounds corny but i've realized a lot since college. who should be around and who shouldn't. so i want you all to know (or whoever reads this) that every impact means a lot to me. even the smallest notion of kindness impacts me. and i may seem like i'm always one to joke around or whatever, but when it comes down to it, this is what counts... to me.

so thank you
for phone calls, emails, and facebook messages. you all mean a lot.

love you.


Monday, November 28, 2005

my birthday

i have spent my entire birthday... it is 4 pm, laying in bed listening to jackson browne.

it was exactly what i needed.

i cancelled all my plans, avoided conversations. i just spent my birthday with...me.

thank you.

sometimes i can't help but to think how nice it would be to pack up and abandon everything you know. go with just yourself. see where you get. don't let people's judgements get in your way. live a life that only you understand.

"and while the future's there for anyone to change,
still you know it seems

it would be easier sometimes just to change the

i'm just one or two years
and a couple of changes
behind you
In my lessons of loves pain and heartache school."

Sunday, November 27, 2005

be careful with me

there's this jewel song i used to really like. because i used to really relate to it i guess. there is a line that said "please be careful with me. i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way." just thinking about that today.

i get my hopes up too much. really. i really got hurt today because i set myself up for disaster. i got really excited about something that was unrealistic. and guess what, it didn't happen. and now i'm here, hurt, two days before my birthday.

when this was all going on--my mom came in and goes "so nobody is planning anything for your birthday" and i seriously just started bawling. it is so weird, i'm not usually emotional that way. i just cried. i think she was confused. and so i explained to this person that hurt me that i'm fragile and i can't handle situations like that. i really can't take being let down. i swear, you take a chance with someone and you're always going to get hurt. it seems to happen to me all the time.

iss picked me up and tried to cheer me up. she always knows what to say. she is the best. one of those people you can't imagine your life without... you know? we listened to keith urban and i had tears in my eyes. i miss so many parts of my life that aren't there anymore. i miss so much from the past that i won't get back. it just doesn't seem right because you only live once you know? i want a lot of second chances that i will, unfortunately, never have.

check out these words (i know, i know it's country, still, they're so good)

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need them
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot BETTER
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

the strong part of me relates to that. the weak part doesn't. i'll always miss the greatness in my life that doesn't exist anymore. i'll always miss something. i guess that's a part of being alive. i just wish people weren't so hurtful. today was the first time, in a really long time, i felt really, truly hurt. i guess i should sleep on it some. 24 hours until 24 years old... life moves too quick.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


One of the most powerful moments of my life...

Middle of the night... "This song's for you Amy"

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long

But when you hold me like you do it feels so right
I start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling, like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife
If you love me, I've got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last

So whose to worry if our hearts get torn
when that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on?
And won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last.
This year's love had better last.

I love this song. It's like - don't think too hard. Just go for it. Follow your heart. The third verse says it all...

giving thanks

we didn't do grace this year at dinner. i think it's because everyone feels strange saying it without my grandma around. not to be morbid but it's been 2 years since we lost her... time flies. i miss her. she was always so complementary of me. it's amazing to see someone whos lived your life in years times three and still has respect for you. it's a good feeling.

i've begun to appreciate everything. i think it's part of getting old, but really...

thank you to all of my favorite people. you know who you are. you read this. you make my life better. you make me who i am. i've made it this far because of you. thanks.

happy thanksgiving everyone.

Friday, November 11, 2005

i always think of things to write about when i'm driving. but then i forget them. maybe i should keep a little notebook in my center counsel or something for that reason. i remember in my college creative writing class, our teacher made us carry around a pocket notebook, like it was an actual assignment because he's like "you guys will run into things all of the time that you will just want to write about later... so, write it down." at first i thought it was weird/embarrassing, but he was actually right. interesting.

went to dinner last night with friends at cafe iberco. good times. i love that place. i love get togethers of any type. it's so great when people make time for each other outside of work, even if it's just a couple of hours. a working girl needs that ya know?

annes coming home this weekend. that will be great. she's one of my favorite people in the world to be around. she's just so neutral. it's relaxing, honestly. it's like there's never any rush for anything, never any complications of any sort... plus, she hasn't been over since we moved. should be fun.

sorry about my last depressing post. i know i can be really down on myself sometimes. i guess everyone can. really though i was just being honest. there's things i want in life that i know that i can't have... i suppose there are those things for everybody.

and that's part of life. getting by on your own.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

i have a wonderful life...sometimes

weekend realizations:

i will always have a lot of really great friends for my whole life.
nothing makes me happier than being with people i'm comfortable around. being myself, and being really liked for that.
a different life takes over once you graduate, but when you go back to school with the people you spent time with there... it feels the exact same, and probably always will.
life can be hard sometimes--a release can fix that immediately.
sometimes escaping the norm is all you have to do to feel sane.
appreciation is stronger than it seems.
compatibility is a strange thing.

i still love the same guy that i did eight years ago. i don't know if i can ever change that, but i really hope so.
i wish it was okay for me to call him.
i wish he would call me.
i wish he cared as much as i do.
i wish my former 10 page single-spaced thoughts on paper after the last time i saw him didn't get deleted with the loss of my old computer.
i wish i could have him.
i know that i can't.
but i dream that i can to keep me feeling healthy.
i hold on to the good times. every single morning and night.
i still think of him every time i hear a love song. there's just not anyone else that comes to mind.
i still remember what it was like to sleep next to him.
that's the closest i've ever been to love i guess... hope that changes.

i feel like i'm getting too old to do this young love thing, and i'm going to miss out on a lot.
wish i had a little more on my resume in that area.

i love my parents. i'm really scared for the times when i'm going to have to go through what they just went through with their parents.... i hope neither one ever gets sick. i honestly, truly, don't know how i am going to ever be okay after that. i know it's depressing to talk about but nevertheless inevitable...

life life life
good and bad

That the sky would lift
That I’d find my place
That I’d see your face in the door
And the sun would glint
On a time well spent
On a time that ain’t no more