in absense

so i'm up late tonight, late being 11:30 these days, for the first time in a long time. and just as i laid down to let myself sleep i started thinking... and kept thinking. you know those nights? your mind just races and before you know it you're somewhere completely different than you started?

anyways, what i'm wondering tonight is if you just keep someone in your life because you don't know how to replace them... so you make the memories strong by reliving them... but would someone else be able to make you feel the same way as easily? or not? i mean, by reliving these so-called great moments or whatever, keeping this ghost alive, am i keeping myself from greater things? am i living in the past when i could be living in the present? have i built things up too much?

life's so strange. when something great happens to you, you want to keep it, right there in the palm of your hand--only, sometimes it gets away. and i've found that i've dealt with that strangely. instead of wanting something new, i want things the way that they were. i haven't really moved on. i live in the past, a lot. i relate to things that happened years ago like they were last week and it feels real because i've held on for so long. it's really bizarre. i got to wondering, am i just fooling myself? am i wasting my life by chasing something that is probably never going to happen?

somedays i wish i could just forget it all.
other days i know i'd be empty if i could forget it all.
but at least i wouldn't miss it this much.