i've been afraid of changing cause i...

you know, there's things i really hate about myself but it's almost like it's too late to change them-- like somewhere along the way they were just embedded into my head and it's just the way i am, and there's no going back from here you know but

it is so frustrating to know that. like if i don't like something about myself why can't i change it? because old habits are hard to break, right, but aren't you ultimately in control of your own actions? how come sometimes they are so hard to mentally override?

i mean...

why can't i sometimes stop myself from joining conversations that talk bad about people?
it might feel good at the time, i feel terrible about it later. who am i? someone who cares so much what someone thinks of them, yet i still find the power within me to talk about other people? that makes me sick.

why can't i compromise once in awhile and do some things that i really don't want to do?

why do i not find enough time in my day to do something out of the ordinary to help someone?

why do i let other peoples opinions influence me so much?
why do i automatically turn everything people say to me into something negative?

why do i smile sometimes when i'm really so sad?
and why do i cry sometimes, but have absolutely no explanation for it?

why do i sometimes stay up all night beating myself up over things that probably don't even matter?
when everyone else can just go to sleep...

why do i like to win arguments? why do i need to win arguments?

why do i appreciate everything my parents do for me but then still treat them badly sometimes?

why do i have such a problem with forgiving people?
because i truly want to forgive people, i just really struggle with it

why do i hate some people that love me, and love some people that hate me?
and why do i care so much about some people even though i know it's just going to hurt me?

why do i believe so much in saying what you feel but yet, i can't even do it?

and why is it that i can dislike someone so much but still care 100% what they think about me? to the point that it can ruin my day... and even worse than that i will never forget it for my entire life.

why is it that sometimes i have a problem being alone?
and other times, the only thing i want in the world is to be alone.

why can't i grow up and stop depending on my parents so much?
why don't i care about getting a job?
why do i think that the rest of my life is going to be handed to me the way it has been so far?
i mean i know better, but do i really believe it?

why does it freak me out to think about my future?
why does it scare me so much more than other people to leave school?

i don't know, these are some of the many questions i just can't seem to answer... and i've been trying for a really long time. it's just confusing, all of it, how you can want so much for yourself, and want to be a certain way, and not just portrayed a certain way but actually BE that way, but you just can't seem to reach it...