pouring

you know, i normally use this blog to kinda figure things out, go over something i just realized, because for whatever reason, writing is my medicine. it helps me sort things out. i usually don't go over my day's events and stuff like that, but today was one of those days for me when you just kinda get down about things and start to beat yourself up over things... and you know, i don't know if it's certain in everyone else's life, but the phrase "when it rains, it pours" sure holds true for me most of the time.

so i'm going to make an exception right now and write some things on here that have happened to me in the past couple of days, and maybe in a sense that will help me to kinda jump these hurdles.

well yesterday my dad called me, and i thought it was strange when he called because it was the second time i talked to him in one day... anyways, he called to tell me that my cousin philip was murdered. he was 22 years old. now, i didn't have any connection to philip other than age right, but i mean, it's still my cousin, 22 years old. i have trouble writing about him in the past. i keep using present tense verbs and i have to go back half a sentence and change things... and that is because it hasn't set in yet. it just doesn't seem real. this gets me down not only because of the obvious reasons, but because it gets my family down, which kills me more than anything. i mean, when i was talking to my parents, both today and yesterday, it didn't even sound like the same people. the whole thing is just hard to find reasoning for. i want answers, i want it to be two days ago when this hadn't happened. it's just really hard to sort through something so inconceivable.

i guess the rest of things are just usual things, it's getting to be that time in the school year when everything is due in every class, and i hate that. it stresses me out. beyond that, i am already thinking about graduation, getting a job (hopefully), moving home forever... part of me is excited by that change, part of me loves purdue too much to think about it. i know i need to be interviewing and going to career fairs and all of that, but i'm taking 19 credit hours too, and i guess it's just hard to find focus on something that seems so inconceivable when you're living in a college apartment with three of your friends. i want so much for myself, yet i don't think i have the motivation to chase it, and that scares me.

then of course there are the typical outlying factors, the ones that don't go away. people that you care about that end up blowing you off... and another thing is i'm tired of having enemies, not that i have a lot, but i mean, i don't want to have any. i hate that feeling. i am tired of everyone being so busy with life that they can't make time for the people they care about.

what is life about? give me a break.

i realize we are all young adults at this stage and starting life and serious jobs and 40 hour work weeks plus, that's fine, but like, are you going to use that excuse your whole life? i'm just talking about friends here, but what happens in 5-10 years when you have a kid--you plan on telling them you couldn't take them to school on the first day because you had a meeting?

i mean do you just stop calling people? do you call them every three birthdays? maybe drop them an e-card? no, you make time. you don't sit at home and watch ER for an hour--you go out to coffee. i don't know it's just that that is not where my priorities are at at all, and when i hear people--my good friends--saying stuff like that it makes my head spin.

you know you are only as busy as you make yourself. and while it's okay to be busy and keep yourself involved and motivated, it is not ok to, in the process, forget about the people that helped to make you who you are...

and i know that's my personal view on things, but i can't help but wish that all of this growing up stuff wasn't getting to everybody so much. be proessional, fine. be an adult, fine. get a job, great. love your job, awesome. wear a suit. but also, make a phone call, send a card, stop by, make TIME.

anyway, i have a lot to sleep on tonight. and not a lot of time to do it.
sorry for ranting. i feel better. goodnight.