chicago

i know i haven't written in a long time. has it been over a year? probably. honestly, i've lost track.

in either case...

i love this city. chicago is the best. my favorite seasons are usually spring and fall. spring and fall are crisp combinations of the variety of weather we see here and the combination makes me smile every year.

we had a tough winter. a blizzard, freezing temperatures, etc, and everyone complains--and i can't help but think: we live in chicago? either way, i will admit we've had a pretty miserable spring so far. it's been rainy, and cold, but do you know what i love?

the sun comes out and everyone is outside. people are walking their dogs, strolling down sidewalks, sitting on patios for dinner and drinks, and when i see this happen, every single year, i feel alive and i feel more in love with this city than i've ever been.

there are plusses and minuses about living somewhere with four seasons: the minuses being enduring blizzards, digging your car out of 4 feet of snow, not knowing what the day will bring weatherwise, and paying for both heat and air conditioning at full possible billing rights... the plusses--appreciating the ordinary. appreciating that the sun is out, that the beaches are open, that we can sit outside for once and enjoy coffee or dinner... we don't take these things for granted as Chicagoioans and i love that.

it's a fabulous city and i think everyone would live here if we didn't have winter. i'm looking forward to enjoying the summer, the movies in the park, the festivals, the patios, and the beautiful parks.

i'm fortunate to have lived here in my lifetime, i love you chicago.

life happens

i've been thinking about the irony of life a lot lately. actually, it started in the car one day with Scott. we were listening to this country song by Eric Church, called, "What I Almost Was." and the gist of the song is that he's happy about the things that have happened in his life, though they may have changed his plan, or his path. he's happy he didn't up being what he almost was. it got me thinking.

life is funny. everything i have thought was the end of the world, or everything out of the scheme of my normal plan, has always turned out just fine. i thought of many instances of this, the first being a ten year old little girl terrified to move across the country and leave Texas and everything she knew. i mean, i cried every night for a year, and i can remember my mom sitting by my bedside, and crying because i was crying. and now, looking back, i simply can not imagine my life without that move. i didn't understand it then, but now when i think back on it, it gave me a chance to get to see my aunts, uncles, and grandparents a lot more. that move caused me to meet people that are my best friends now, and that i can't picture my life without. maybe it wasn't in my plan, but it was certainly in someone's.

i thought life was going to end when i graduated college. i really did. i couldn't believe that my so-called childhood was over, that my days of freedom and youth were just supposed to cease right then. no one told me that it doesn't have to. sure, you grow up a little. you get a few more bills, you get your first real job, and you move into your first little studio apartment... but you know what? my twenties have been fabulous. i've spent four years in a great city that i love and i don't feel old at all. yes, i have more responsibilities, there is no doubt about that, but i learned a lot about people and i learned a lot about life, and i think in some sort of natural selection process i only ended up associating with the people and things that are good for me. and i'm happy.

mostly, lately, i've been thinking about my job situation. never in a million years would someone have told me at 10 years old, 15 years old, 18 years old, even 25 years old... that i would have ended up being a nanny for almost 2 years. it will really be 2 whole years with Ben and Taylor in a couple of weeks. i will admit there are time that i've been down on myself about it, simply because i do feel that i worked so hard to get an education and get a good career. in the past year, i've really changed my train of thought about that, and here's why.

i may not be where i thought i would be in the marketing world, but i do believe i will get there. and in the meantime, i've had a job that is so valuable to a family, and that's in some ways, more rewarding than working for a company. i've made a very good friend with Taylor, and grown close with her and Ben over the years, and i've had fun. there was never a day that i felt like i dreaded going to work. i certainly felt that when i worked at the hospital now and then. and, Ben brings me joy. i don't know how anyone couldn't get joy out of a two year old. it's incredibly fulfilling to see someone so completely full of life and innocence. it makes you wish we could all be that way from time to time, and i get the chance to see that a lot. i've learned from Taylor's resilience as a single mother, whom when i met her was working full time and in law-school. i've never seen her feel sorry for herself or complain. she just takes what life hands her and she carries on. i certainly wish i could be more like that, and i always have that to think back on when i'm feeling bad about myself for something so much smaller.

and in relationships, in life, i think the hard parts are what makes you realize what the good parts are. i love living in chicago because i think we enjoy summer and spring 100 times more than people who live in a warm place all of the time. it's an analogy for the same thing. we endure winters, they're long and cold and not fun, but we always survive and we have something to look forward to in the end. in good will hunting, robin williams says, "And you'll have bad times, but it will wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to." and i certainly think that's true. if you want the rainbows, you have to put up with the rain.

i really do believe everything is full circle. sometimes it takes longer than others, but it always seems to work out. every single time i have thought it was the end of the world, it wasn't. and years later, it was quite the opposite. it all works out. a lot of these things i mentioned prior were not in my plan, but you know what, they've worked out just fine.

appreciating great dad's

saturday, scott and i arrived at my parents house to celebrate my grandpa's birthday, father's day, and my parents anniversary.

i gave my dad a card that truly fit. the line i liked the best, that i found to be perfect for this point in my life... was one about "even when someone else comes along, you are still in many ways, the number one man in my life." i thought it was fitting. scott is the best, but no one can replace a dad.

anyway, my dad, a few drinks deep started to talk to scott and i about his dad. i could tell it was hard for him to talk about. his dad died when i was about 5 years old. unfortunately, i never knew him too well and i always feel sad about that. at the time, we lived in texas so i wasn't really around much and my memories of him are quite scarce. however, his story lives on through my dad. immediately when my dad talks about his dad, he tells me, and other people "you would have liked him, everyone liked him." i can't help but to picture him just like my own dad.

anyway, i asked him if fathers day is hard once your dad is gone. and he said, every day is hard. he told me that it's especially when he's feeling down, like right now being out of work, that he feels like he wishes he could just have a conversation with his dad. it makes me tear up to even write this, but i want to remember it forever.

he said "he always had a way of calming me down and making me realize it's not that bad." and i said "well you do that for me too, so maybe you picked that up from him."

it's the truth.

i said "dad, i can't imagine. i really can't imagine a time in my life, though i know it will probably come, that i can't pick up the phone and call you guys. i just can not imagine that time at all."

and he goes, and this still makes me tear up to even think about it...

"Amy, i felt the same way about my dad. i thought he'd live forever."

i really can't even replay that in my head without crying. partially because i feel so sad for him that he can't talk to his dad when he's sad, and partially because i feel the exact same way. i know that it's not true, but i really do, in some ways think, my mom and dad will be around forever. i guess it's the only way to think though. you can't dwell on the negative. it's still hard to picture life without my parents around. i can't really do it.

a bit later in the night my dad brought scott and i to the basement. he told us he wanted us to hear something. he played a chet atkins song, called "i still can't say goodbye" and tears formed in his eyes as he listened. my dad's really quite a strong man. i think i've seen him cry 3 times, maybe ever, but this song was so touching and i can understand his relation. the lyrics are below but before you read them, you should know about a story. my dad used to climb on the shelves in his dad's closet and try on his clothes... to try to look like him when he was younger. so those words especially rang true for him. anyway, here are the words to a very touching song:

When I was young, my Dad would say

Come on Son let's go out and play

Sometimes it seems like yesterday

And I'd climb up the closet shelf

When I was all by myself

grab his hat and fix the brim

pretending I was him

No matter how hard I try

No matter how many tears I cry

no matter how many years go by

I still can't say goodbye.

He always took care of mom and me

We all cut down a Christmas tree

He always had some time for me

Wind blows through the trees,

Street lights, they still shine bright

Most things are the same

but I miss my Dad tonight.

I walked by a Salvation Army store

Saw a hat like my daddy wore

Tried it on when I walked in

Still trying to be like him

No matter how hard I try

No matter how many years go by

No matter how many tears I cry

I still can't say goodbye.

-Chet Atkins

of course, watching my dad tear up made me tear up. i just saw how much he missed his dad. my dad very rarely shows weakness, in fact, he always seems very unaffected by life. i know that isn't the truth, but he's not a negative guy and would never complain or let someone know that something is really getting him down. so, it's rare i see him vulnerable. and that was part of it. and part of it was, standing next to my dad, on fathers day, appreciating him and realizing how short life is, and how important it is to remember moments like this one forever. i'm sure it's not easy to lose a parent, but we are so fortunate to have memories. and i never want to forget this one. it was a brief moment, but a powerful one. i'll never forget it.

39 years

my parents anniversary is this Saturday. June 19.

i got them a card that brought me to tears, partially because it's actually perfect wording in my opinion, but partially because it rang so true.

i'm happy to have been raised in such love and i'm happy that i learned love from two great examples. my parents are truly still best friends. it's amazing. not only have they been married 39 years, they've been dating far longer than that. i think it would be something like 46 years if we did the math. it's not that they're perfect or never have disagreements, it's just that they know how to handle them. i have yet to see anything negative in their relationship, and i'm so glad i grew up seeing such love. i know i am lucky for it and i hope to stay as happy as they do in my life. it's quite an accomplishment, and builds quite a family.

i wanted to keep the words of the card before i seal the envelope. i really like the words.

"Mom and Dad,

The story of our family

is made up of many things--

from silly jokes

to good-night kisses,

from nicknames

to summer vacations,

from hard good-byes

to the most joyous homecomings.

The story of our family

is made up of love

and time

and memory...

all the things

that really matter.

And at the heart

of our story

will always be

the two of you.

Happy Anniversary"

aw, that last paragraph makes me tear up every time. it's the perfect card for them.

1 year 2 months later

I think it's a little unaligned on the site. Click the video for the best results.

Love you Scott. :)

continuation

i have to say i wasn't done speaking after my last post.

i haven't slept well since monday, since my dad got the news. last night i was crying in bed and just doing my best to explain to Scott how life isn't fair.

i've been thinking about the parallels of life a lot, and the circle of life as well. all i can say at the end of all of this thinking is that i wish i could do more. i feel so completely helpless at this point, and there is no one i would rather help more in this world.

as for the parallels, i've given so much thought as to what my parents have given to me in life. first of all, life itself. i'm lucky to even have them as my parents. chance isn't always a perfect thing but i can't think of anything more perfect than my parents being my parents and i am so grateful for that every day.

beyond the obvious, they've taught me patience. grace. love. acceptance. i can't imagine my life any differently. sometimes when i think about my mother not being able to have children biologically, it baffles me. she is a born to be mother. at the same time, i do believe this was all, meant to be. i can't imagine my family any differently and i feel fortunate to have landed where i landed, if that makes sense. my mother is the most giving woman i have ever met. if i become half of the mom that she has been throughout my entire life, i'd be honored.

and my dad, well, i can't say enough about him. i think he's the reason i didn't cut myself short, ever, because i had a positive male influence in my life. i think he's my rock. he's what i have when i have nothing else. on a hard day, i have my dad. rough interview, my dad will lift my spirits.

i don't know what else i can say to explain how blessed i am. and perhaps it takes hard times to realize it, but i'm so lucky to have it all of the time.

i love you mom and dad, and i know you both very well. and i know that you'll get through this.

my dad

most times in life when something seems to go wrong, or something hurtful happens to someone, i always like to think that it may be for a reason. and maybe that reason won't come for five years, or even twenty years, but in hindsight it will eventually all come together and make sense in some grand plan.

now, is this the way the world works? who knows. i certainly don't. i have certainly found that in my own life, a lot of times when i think something is the end of the world, it turns out not to be at all. and that things heal with time. and that while one day the universe and life can seem so overwhelming to me, another day will come at another time that makes me realize that looking back on that overbearing day, it was all part of this grand scheme and mad me stronger and better for some reason or another, or led me to a path i wouldn't have otherwise discovered.

maybe it's just my own way of coping with things, to hope that something comes later in life that makes it all make sense. or maybe it's really true. i don't know. what i do know is i can't find any rhyme or reason for the phone call i received this morning.

i heard my phone vibrate and i was in the other room with Ben, the little boy i'm currently nannying for. i figured the call probably wasn't that important and i'd check the message and get back about it later. well, it was my dad who called and he called to ask me not to email me at work anymore... because he no longer worked there.

when i heard his message and his seemingly positive, strong voice say this on my voicemail, my stomach dropped within seconds.

see, my parents have been on quite a ride the past ten years or so. when i was in college, my dad's company started changing drastically and a lot of business moved to mexico. different people came to be in charge, and the company was entirely different and resulted in the first job loss. and it's been a journey since then. three more jobs, one out in california requiring a move, and one in new jersey requiring him to work from a distance. to avoid all the details, i'll leave it at this: he has been, at no fault of his own, through a career nightmare, and late in his career. and it has not been fair. i think we were all hoping that this job would take him into retirement.

and when i heard that message, i was crushed.

it's not that i don't think he can handle it. in fact, it's quite the opposite. i think if anyone can handle it, my dad can. and i know that when things seem too big for me, or beyond my means of control, my dad is the first person i turn to for that very reason--he knows how to handle things and how to make huge tasks seem small. he's great at keeping things in perspective. that being said, i don't think it would be HUMAN if he wasn't hurt and tired of this whole thing, and that is what kills me the most.

it's hard for me to understand that the same person who taught me to love so openly, so unselfishly... the same guy who has retained my logic for me when i am unable to, at times of personal crisis... the strongest man that i have ever met, with the best outlook on life, is going through this again. it just seems ironic, and i can't make sense of it. in fact, i'm writing right now because i don't know what else to do.

i spoke to my dad earlier, and i didn't know what to say. i asked him, "how are you?" and his response, like no one else's would be, was "Good!" and all i could think was, "Good? really?" i mean, he may have meant it but i will never understand how. but that's just his charm. he'd never accept pity, and that's what gives him strength. many people in this world are quick to say "woe is me" when anything happens, and i don't know where my dad learned this, but he's certainly quite the opposite. and even if he feels that way, you'd never know it and he won't tell you. i can't say i've seen this characteristic in too many people i've met in 28 years. and i've met some great people, and some absolutely positive people, but very few who i could say would be able to say, "hey, i'm okay, and how are you" after a day like that.

let me say one more thing.... i have yet to hear anything from my dad about how hard things are. i love him for that and i hope to be that strong someday.

at the same time, i can't stop thinking of the little things. i can still picture myself at six years old, riding my first Huffy bike, pink and purple, with training wheels, but most importantly, not being afraid because my dad was right there with me, and i fell he'd pick me up. that's what dad's are for.

and that is why i don't think i can make sense of this.

i mean i have been thinking about it all day. i can't stop thinking about it. i just feel so absolutely helpless about it all, and i can't think of anyone in the world i'd rather be able to help. i realize all of the chatter about the bad economy and people being out of a job, but...

i just can't seem to understand why the world doesn't recognize good people anymore. it breaks my heart to picture my dad going through this at almost retirement age, and although i know he has the strength to go to the next step, i just wish i could snap my fingers and get him there.

of course, i can't do that, so i will do what i can to help... which is to help him get his resume out there again, to be a listener when he needs one, to pass along any possible leads, and even more importantly thoughts and prayers until this is all figured out.

and i know it will all be okay, someday. these times aren't easy for anyone. and i know that if anyone can handle it, the strongest guy i know can.

i love you, Dad.

christmas

i went down to the christmas tree at daley plaza today. i had such a good day, sitting in pj's until i felt like getting ready, drinking coffee, watching movies, and knowing that later i'd head out to see all of the christmas magic that Chicago brings to me.

i do take it for granted sometimes, and i'm trying not to. i am well aware i won't live here forever. i got a cup of coffee and took the bus to state street. i looked in the macy's windows. i walked over to the daley center and took pictures of the tree, i walked around for awhile. i felt the christmas spirit of this great city.

and it was a great day. i'm so glad i went to see it. i listened to Christmas music the entire time and it made the ride go fast. i looked out the windows at tourists and passerbys and i just took it all in.

i didn't realize it until i was about halfway there, that i just felt like i was missing something. missing something? how? i'm in this gorgeous city where i live, surrounded by trees, decor, spirit... i've been doing this for years.

well, this year's different. my life has changed significantly. i'm fortunate enough to be able to say that i have truly met the love of my life. i am forever changed. i have no doubt in my mind that i am meant to be with Scott and i treasure every minute i am with him. this has easily been the best year of my life. hands down.

when i was young, i was probably sure the best year of my life would be when i turned 13. and then 16. and then 18. and then 21. i would have never guessed it would be the year i turned 28. scott came into my life, and he made me realize how wonderful my life could possibly be. i've always been a happy person, but i can honestly say i have never been this happy. and it just keeps getting better. the more i get to know him, the more i love him, the more i want to be with him. i want to share everything i have with him, and i'd give anything i could possibly give to make him more happy. he makes me a better person, and he loves me exactly the way i am. i've never had to falsify anything with him, and i know that i never will. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world, all of the time.

scott's in florida with his family for Christmas. i'm going to spend time with them the day after. my parents were still sad about me possibly being gone for Christmas, and i'm certainly glad to be able to spend it with them as well. i have fantastic parents and i know i'm extremely lucky for the amount of love i was raised with. it's made me who i am.

but, i will say, today, i wish scott was with me. and it's weird. i'm a pretty independent girl. i don't like the fact that i feel like i "need" someone anytime at all, and i'm not totally comfortable with the idea that i've been doing things like i did today for years, and today i felt like i was missing half of me...

at the same time, i love it, and i wish he was with me holding my hand as i looked at the tree lights. and it may sound cliche, but i just want every moment to be with him. i am so lucky to have met someone that i know is meant for me, and i just can't wait for the future.

and turning 28 was pretty painless and natural for me... years ago i would have never guessed this, but honestly, this is the best year of my life. i am so happy to know, love, and grow older with scott.

Merry Christmas.

post moving reflections

well, i've found a new home in Chicago.

for a long time, it didn't feel like home. the walls were bare, the furniture unbuilt, the space, well, it was just space.

i can honestly say that i finally feel at home here.

i'm not here a whole lot, but when i am, i like it. it's fun to explore a new neighborhood. i was so used to the same people, the same stores, the same restaurants, the same "things..."

it's been a dreary fall. i LOVE fall, and i LOVE fall in chicago, but this fall has just been depressing. for a month straight it rained. as much as you try to not let it affect your attitude, it does...

anyway, it was sunny today. and 60. and all at once i remembered what i love so very much about this city. the energy. the closeness. the way that you feel, when, even though you don't know a single person you're walking by, you're all city people, you're all in the same boat, you're all human.

i love that about this city.

i never thought i'd feel at home somewhere else. i left my old place and it felt strange saying goodbye to three years of my life.... but i guess now i realize, they're just years. happiness is happiness, and it has nothing to do with how old you are, or where you lay your hat.

and well, i'm happy. so so so happy.

i couldn't be more thankful for everything and everyone in my life.

moving

i'm down to less than a week in my apartment.

it's weird, as ready as i am for a new place, and more space... and as excited i am about the new place i found, i'm sad to be packing and leaving. i was almost asleep tonight (of course, when i should have been packing, i was laying in bed) and i made myself walk to starbucks to wake up so that i could get some packing done.

and i guess on the way there, i kind of thought about my familiar places that won't be so familiar anymore. it's funny what you get attached to. the things that stand out for me are: that starbucks, and i don't even like starbucks that much--but there's something about it, the homeless guy that i always say hi to on the corner, my favorite mexican restaurant, and, believe it or not, the 7-11 workers that always wave to me, and some of the bars that remind me of my first year of city life. haha. i know those seem like funny familiarities, but i guess it's interesting what you get attached to in three years of living somewhere.

lots of good times in this neighborhood. i would stay another year if i had a little more room. it's treated me well.

i remember my first night sleeping here. i remember that my apartment was put together, but it didn't feel like home at all. my stuff was all new, and i wasn't a city girl at all. there was nothing even slightly resembling home for me in apartment 301. i actually remember sitting up in my bed that night, and writing, and hearing the noises out my window... half full of excitement for the next chapter of my life, but half scared too. and i remember that i didn't sleep that well because i wasn't quite at home yet.

it's funny to think about that now, because as much as i'm sick of this place and ready to move on, and have a bigger apartment, it's definitely home. it feels like home when i walk in the door. there's a sense of relief about a place that feels like home, even if it's not your ideal home... it's home. that feeling of walking in the door after a long day, and throwing your bag down, and just sitting down at home - it's not the same anywhere else.

and i'm very excited for a new neighborhood, and a new home. but i also know that there will be that whole getting acquainted phase again, and probably another night of thinking and writing in my bed, and a month or two of making the place seem like home. but, it will get there. and once again, i'm excited for this next chapter. chicago has treated me well and i'm excited to explore a new part of it.

and now i'm going to stop writing and start putting the past three years of my life into boxes. it's been fun 1117.

bus story

usually the bus is pretty quiet. people mind their own business for the most part. in fact, i would say in all of my time in Chicago i could probably count the conversations i've had while utilizing public transportation on a single hand. people just usually aren't in the mood.

i talked to the woman sitting next to me today, and it really got me thinking.

i was taking the bus home as usual, and hanging up the phone with Scott and the woman next to me wanted to know how i liked my phone. she was thinking of getting her son an iphone soon. i talked a little about the phone and other such polite stranger conversation.

then she looked at me and said "so, what are you having for dinner?" and i was caught a little offguard. i mean, i didn't mind her asking, i was just caught offguard by the unnatural sense of friendliness while riding the CTA. it just doesn't happen usually. "i have no idea. i haven't even thought about it." and she told me she was just trying to get ideas... we got quiet again and she looked at me and said, "Are you a teacher?" and i sort of laughed to myself and said, "No. I think I should have been though." and we continued to talk about Scott being a teacher, and other such things... but i thought about that the whole walk home, and a lot of the night.

i know the conversation isn't earth shattering or anything. maybe it's not even interesting to anyone else, but to me, it was shocking, and somewhat of a sign. i've been looking into programs lately to go into teaching. i'm not entirely sure i'm ready to do the school thing again, and gosh, switching career paths again scares me to death... but there is this part of me, this voice in the back of my head that's telling me it's what i was supposed to do. i remember that i wanted to teach from the day i could talk. i played school every single day. on scholastic aptitude tests when it asks your future profession, from grade 1, i wrote "teacher." i majored in elementary education at purdue for 2 years before i switched my major. i mean, i'm not making this stuff up. and it was just funny timing. here, i just completed my MBA. and don't get me wrong, i love marketing and i have a definite interest in it - but i still wonder about teaching all of the time. i guess it never really left me. i've been thinking about it even more since i graduated, and even found a good, reasonable quick program if i want to pursue it.

so, i don't know. it was just kind of funny to hear that from a stranger. people influence me so much. i left that woman on the bus, wished her a good evening, and got home and thought about my future career all night. it's just interesting - i guess you never know how you are going to affect someone with your words. i mean, i don't know what it means that i look like a teacher to that woman, maybe nothing. but maybe it was just what i needed, too.

summer 09

i haven't written anything in a really long time. that isn't to say i haven't thought about it now and then, but things have been busy and life has been well so i haven't been thinking too hard.

i've had the best summer. it has seriously been the perfect summer. i want to explain it and describe it, but i'm afraid i won't be able to do it justice. i've gone to some great concerts, spent some wonderful weekends in Michigan with Scott and sometimes with his family. i've worked less, worried less, and took more time to enjoy my friends, my family, my great boyfriend, and the awesome city of Chicago.

looking back on this summer of course, it went way too fast.

i'm grateful every single day, multiple times per day that i know scott. i know it might sound cliche, or corny, or whatever you want to call it... but i find it hard to believe that there was a time in my life when i didn't know him. it doesn't seem possible. i'm so lucky that i've found someone like him who is truly my best friend. we have so much fun together... but he's also my rock.

and on my worst day, and my best day - he's the person i want to tell about it because i know he will either make me feel better on the bad days, or celebrate with me on the good days. i'm so incredibly lucky to have found someone like him. it's weird to think about life before all of this: i mean, i know i was happy and i know i had a life, but it just seems weird to remember that he wasn't a part of it. i can't imagine a day without him now and i couldn't be happier than when i am with him.

in not so exciting news, things have been hard for me lately with the whole job search thing. i graduated about three months ago, and i have been looking and applying since a little before graduation. i've gone on some interviews, had several phone interviews, and i am sending my resume out every day. it's so tough right now. i know that i need to not take it personally when things don't work out, but i guess being the sensitive natured person that i am, i can't help but take it personally. there are days where i'm constantly asking myself - what is wrong with me? i'm educated, motivated, and personable and i just can't seem to find anything. that being said, i know it takes time. and i know i'll find something... but it's been pretty hard for me to stay level headed. i know that i have to remember that i'm doing my best, and realize that any job that doesn't come through isn't a good fit. and that there is a lot of competition out there... and most importantly, that it's not a personal attack. these companies are interviewing who knows how many people - it's pretty tough to stick out right now. i swear, finding a job is the most trying, unrewarding process in the entire world. it takes so much time, energy, dedication, and the payoff takes a long time. but, there will be a payoff, and patience is key. sometimes i'm not as good at being patient as i would like to be.

the other day i was having one of those days... where i'm kind of focusing on everything negative in my life. i know better than to do that most of the time, but i think everyone has those days where it just seems like it won't stop. i'm thinking things like... i worked so hard in school, and i can't find a job. my car is broken. my apartment is too small. you know, everything i can possibly think of that is bad... and then, i get off the train at the paulina brown line stop, and i see a man searching through the garbage for something to eat. that was a big reality check for me. i couldn't help but feel guilty about the pity party i was having for myself for the 20 minutes prior to seeing him. i guess it's important to remember that it could always be worse. it's hard when you have expectations for yourself, but i can pretty much guarantee you i'll never be in that guy's situation in my entire life.

that shut me up pretty quick.

i'll be moving before october, so that's exciting. i'm pretty sure i'm going to move north, and definitely sure i am going to get a bigger place. my apartment has been good to me, but i think that my collection of "stuff" is outgrowing a studio apartment at this point. and well, i'm getting older. when i first moved downtown, this was plenty of space for me. now, it seems way too small. so, the move will be exciting. a new neighborhood,a new place, more room. i can't wait.

all in all, i have to say... life has been good.

this year's love

i knew that someday my favorite song would mean more to me than beautiful lyrics. i knew that someday, i'd come across the right guy and i'd actually understand and feel the lyrics, rather than just admire them.

i'm a lucky girl.

you know, i swear i have never been one of those girls that spent their whole life looking for love. i always sort of believed that it would just happen when the time was right. i'm a strong believer in the fact that if you look too hard for something, you're going to settle for the wrong thing. well,  27 years later, i'm glad i stuck to my instincts. 

you know, i'll admit for awhile it was a little discouraging when everyone was settling down and i knew that i was a good person with a lot to offer, and i just wasn't meeting the right guy.  i'll admit it that when i had my heart broken a couple of times, i wanted to give up. and i'll admit it that nights got lonely a lot of the time. 

none of that matters now.

i can not even begin to explain how much my life has changed in a matter of months. i know some people would, and maybe even do, say that i'm crazy. you know what i say? i don't care. i have never been this happy in my entire life. i can't even believe this is my life right now. it's more than anything i ever imagined. i've always been sensitive, i've always been somewhat of a romantic, and i guess i always had the hope that i'd fall in love... but never the expectation. i think that i've lived by a phrase my entire life, "hope for the best, but expect the worst." a bit of a realist, sure. but you have to be when you don't know what's going to happen.

the point of all of my midnight rambling is this - i am positive i have never been this happy in my entire life. i am certain that i have met the love of my life. i have never had so much in common with someone. never met someone that can make me laugh and have a serious conversation with me within the same ten minutes. someone who accepts me for who i am. someone i want to call at the end of the day, whether i had the best day of my life, or whether i'm ready to give up. someone who would be there for me the second i said i needed him. 

i know this is all so sappy, and i don't know what to say to excuse myself. because it's the way i feel. all of the sudden all of those songs don't seem so silly, all of those movies don't seem so "far fetched." and love doesn't seem so surreal or impossible. 

i'm so happy. i've never been so happy. 

a good friend of mine told me recently, "Love isn't hard." and i couldn't agree more. looking back at my life, and how much i tried to believe in love, it's sad to look back at that. it's hard to remember that, because none of it was real. now i know what's real. it's not hard. it shouldn't be hard. 

you know, i've loved the song "this year's love" since it came out, when i was a senior in high school. i remember hearing it, playing it on repeat, and loving the lyrics. as i got older, i knew i wanted it to be in my wedding, if i ever got married. and now, i know that this year's love for me, is 2009. 

couldn't be happier.

first of all... i am officially done with school. i don't graduate until saturday... but tonight i did my final presentation and i can't even believe the thought of not having homework. i feel so good.

secondly... i am pretty sure that i have the best boyfriend in the world. 

everything has been perfect. i can't even explain it, i don't want to sound so sentimental but i'll just say i've never felt like this in my entire life. i'm so happy. he 

makes me so happy. 

i went on a whim and invited him to christine's wedding, which is in amelia island, FL at the end of the month. i figured it was pretty much going on a limb as we haven't known each other all that long and well, it's across the country. and it looked like things weren't going to work out. flights were expensive, etc etc etc. 

last night he came over and asked me if i wanted my graduation present. graduation present? i have not even graduated yet! i told him he did not 

need to get me anything... and he responded, "well, it's something you need." finally, after going back and forth a few times, i said i would open it.

i opened it, and here's what i found. 

funny story about this... i have been saying for awhile how i want to learn how to cook a turkey. random, i know... but i just feel like i know how to cook a lot of things and not a turkey? 

after further googling, i found out that you need to have a meat thermometer? i was like "a meat thermometer, who has one of those??" 

and so, i thought it was clever, thought it was cute that he remembered, and i laughed.

then i opened my card.

it's one of those song cards from hallmark... and i listened to the song, and i thanked him and i was about to put it back in the envelope... and he asked me "do you ever play with these cards, and see how the music works?" and i said "what?" and then he showed me the middle of the card where you can do that... i started to play with it and he said "wait, is something in there?" (the piece of paper in the picture was not sticking out that much at the time) and i looked... and...

yes, he booked his flight to florida. without telling me. and talked to christine and submitted his informal RSVP to the wedding. 

i'm still in shock and i feel like this is all surreal. i have never known someone so thoughtful in my entire life... and i feel like last night was a dream. i know that all sounds so sappy and silly, but it's really how i feel.

i'm still waiting for someone to wake me up.

and i am so excited to spend a weekend in florida with my favorite guy. 

i'm so lucky. 

best graduation ever.

distraction

i logged onto google reader today and i had 250 unread posts. the most i've ever seen that number escalate to is maybe 30. 

okay, so i've been a bit distracted. 

gotten a little less reading done, finding shortcuts in homework more than usual, talked to my parents a little less.

all for a good reason though. i guess logging into google reader made me actually realize how absent i've been.

i met a really good guy. good, down-to-earth, fun, positive, happy, dedicated, has his life together, sort of guy. we've spent a crazy amount of time together in the past two weeks and it's  been nothing but fun. i'm loving every minute of this and i feel extremely lucky. 

we have a good thing going right now. it's awesome. we're on the same page about almost everything and we are just literally taking it a day at a time and enjoying each other's company. it's exactly what i have always wanted. i've been walking around with my chin up for a few weeks now and smiling more than usual. things have changed in the past few weeks, but there is no doubt in my mind that it's for the better. 

i don't want to sound all mushy and silly, but i guess i am going to and i guess that is what happens when you are into someone. i'll just say this - when i wake up, i want to talk to him. when i go to sleep, i want to say goodnight first. i want to know how his day is going. i want him to be happy all of the time and i want to do whatever i can to make him happy. all of this happened really fast, but i'm at a point now where i don't feel like a day is complete until i talk to him and hear about his day. it's a ton of emotions that i don't really think i've ever totally felt before and i have been so unbelievably happy. 

this guy is a sweetheart--down to the root definition of the word. he wants to make sure that i am safe. he wants to make sure that i am happy. he wants to spend time with me whenever our schedules allow it. he wants to surprise me and he wants to talk whenever we can. i could tell from the day that i met him that he is a genuine, caring person. he literally had me from hello.

i debated about writing this on my blog, but i guess i feel like the point of my writing is that i want to remember how things feel. i love looking back at this thing and reading old posts... even if they're sad, because it takes me right back to that moment. the power of words is crazy. i can literally get right back in a moment by reading my thoughts if i write them i the present. and so, i felt like it would be cheating myself and this great thing i have going right now if i didn't write about it.

anyway, life has been the best it has been for me in a long time. maybe ever. i'm crazy about this kid, and i think he's crazy about me... and i am just really excited for whatever comes next. i have a feeling it's going to be a great summer!

life

after attending a funeral today, of someone i knew in high school, i feel so compelled to write.

life is such a wonderful, but strange thing... i just wish everyone could live forever.

today was very hard for me. to see, someone i knew who had passed away far too young, ready to go to rest.

i guess the strongest thing i felt was that life is so so fragile. it's something i don't understand, something i will probably never understand.

danielle spoke beautifully today. she talked about good times with amanda, growing up with her, being young, free, and timeless. i was never that upset until i put it into my own terms--losing someone you were and are so very close to. it's not right. i can't imagine if i were in the same situation, not at all. 

but, i think if something came out of this at all it is that you have to treasure people in your life. sure, people disagree, or they're on a different page than you are. so what? all of that is small stuff. it's scary how much we all take each other for granted. i just hope this is and was a learning experience for me, and everyone else. and that we need to remember the little things, sometimes the littlest things and realize how very lucky we are to have our health, happiness, youth, and freedom...

RIP Amanda, we will all miss you very much. thanks for being in our lives.

writing

my grandmother was a writer. she kept a diary her entire life and dreamed of publishing a book someday. i'd like to think that she was my influence, but unfortunately i learned this about her far too late in her life.

life is too short.

i was in college when she passed away. my parents moved back from LA when she was sick to take care of her and moved into her little house with her until the bitter end. i came home one weekend from school, and she was a different person than i remembered. she had lost her incredible memory, her wit, but she still had her passion, and her love for crossword puzzles.

i came home, which wasn't exactly home for me; but i understood why it was home at the time. and i remember how confused she was. she wasn't sure who i was. she recognized me, but she wasn't sure why. and my dad drew her a crossword puzzle with things about me (for example, down 1 was purdue, across 4 was blue--for the color of my eyes). it didn't work.

what's interesting is she did remember that i loved to write. and that was the last coherent conversation i had with her. her memory, boggled, still knew that i wanted to write. i will never forget that day - she told me she wanted me to have all of her diaries. i still don't have them because of all of the moving and confusion that happened after she was gone, but i look forward to discovering them someday.

i have the same sort of thing. i have kept a diary since i was in the sixth grade. and since the whole "blog" era, i have done this instead. it's an amazing thing to know that i'll be able to pass on my words, my life, someday after i am gone. i know it's probably a long way away, but i'm glad i've kept some sort of a legacy. i'm sure she would have said the same.

i miss you, grandma lanie. thank you for your wisdom and all that you left me with. 

wordle.net

I went to Wordle.net and made these images from my blog. You can either put in a website (I used my blog) or you can just put in words on your own... it puts them in these shapes. I think it's pretty cool :)

things

so it's official:

2 more finals, and 3 more classes, and i'll have my degree. i can't believe the end is in sight. i'm getting very excited, but trying not to get too distracted. i want to end on a good note.

it's weird - it's bittersweet. i love school and i actually think when i graduate i'll miss learning and going to class. i told my family recently that i wish it was acceptable to be a lifelong student (and get paid for it) haha. i think that's my calling sometimes. either way, it will be nice to not have projects weighing on me and to see what's in store for me in the world of marketing... it's exciting, but i've still got 3 more months before i get too excited.

i graduate in exactly three months from today!

other good news: i became an aunt, and my brother became a father to a beautiful little boy named Will on Jan 27. he was born very healthy and i have yet to have the time to meet him :( school and work are really keeping me busy, but i can't wait to get out there and meet my new nephew. it's a really cool feeling to have a new generation around. i got really emotional about it one day, i just think it's so great to watch a new life come into the world and watch them grow up... how exciting.

From Will

From Will

From Will

that's all for now i guess, just felt like haven't written in awhile.

the best email

every once in awhile i'll send my parents a link to something i wrote... not my entire blog or anything but if it's a reflection on the holidays or something i'm particularly proud of writing for some reason, i'll pass it along. anyways, i sent the christmas post to my mom and dad. usually i don't hear back from them. i know they're just busy. if i do, it's usually a one liner... so of course, it caught me by surprise to get this email on monday morning in response... but in the best way possible.

great words for the new year.
and once again i am realizing how lucky i am in my own life and how grateful i am for everything that i have, especially amazing parents.

i'd be in a much different world without them, i know that for certain.

from my dad, january 5, 2009.

Amy,

So it's back to work and the short-lived unfamiliar has quickly become familiar again. Phone calls, emails, sales opportunities... blah, blah, blah. It was in the middle of catching up when I came across your email, and it reminded me, again, as to how fortunate we are to have you as our daughter.

Thank you for the note, the sentiment, but most of all your everlasting awareness and appreciation for all that is around you: places, events, people, the experience of life..Fr. Reagan, one of my high school teachers, used to repeat over and over, "time is what's happening while you are waiting for something to happen." In others words make the most of the moment, and you certainly know how to do that. In fact you make the moments happen.

It was nice being with you over the holidays. The annual trek to "A Christmas Carol" started the season off in perfect seasonal tradition. Thank you for taking us. The season would not be complete without a visit with Scrooge, Tiny Tim, and all the spirits. Best of all, we were able to share it together.

Home should reflect this season and always represent love, safe haven, and acceptance. Decorated or not the door is always open and we look forward to your next visit. The line in a Christmas Carol, "...(Christmas) is a time, of all others, when want is keenly felt, and abundance rejoices." carries a message that, at first, seems all too obvious. When you think about it, it could refer to spiritual beliefs, social awareness, or the need for family and friends. Home is abundant with love and is there to be shared with all who want to partake.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!

See you soon,

Love,

Dad

a new year

i think new years is one of my favorite holidays. to me it just kind of wipes the slate clean and gives you a fresh start. sure, it's just another day, but it always seems to invoke that feeling.

i brought in the new year with my best friend, anne, her husband, and another couple. it was a good time. i found myself reflecting at midnight on the happenings of the last year, and well, a lot has changed since last year. and honestly - i think it's all for the better. i had a hard time finding anything negative about starting over this year- in fact, it seems like quite the opportunity.

as for resolutions, i tried making them a few years ago, and what i found out is that when i make a list of some strict criteria, i just don't stick to it. so, my resolution is to keep being myself and striving for self improvement where necessary. i'm going to leave it like that. i don't feel that anything is completely unresolved this year, which is an excellent feeling.

the past couple of days, i've really appreciated the ordinary more than normal. one day i was looking at my fridge, which is literally covered in christmas cards, and i know they're just christmas cards, but i thought - "wow, that many people are in my life." and that's a pretty amazing feeling. i think sometimes it's easy to take things like that for granted because you just expect things to stay that way, but: i know that everyone doesn't have that. i know that not everyone is happy with themselves, their accomplishments, their goals, their home--and i'm so lucky to be happy with all of those things.

i feel like i'm really figuring it out as i get older. i know it's an age old saying that you get wiser as you get older, but i really don't think that's true for everyone. life is what you make of it. if you're not able to look back at your flaws and accomplishments and be your own worst critic, well, you're not going to learn anything. it's important to recognize moments of weakness and moments of strength, and grow from them accordingly, and i really think i do that.

so, 2009... let's see. i will graduate this year with a masters degree. i'm going to study in Rome! i'll be in the same apartment until at least October in a city that i love. i'm going to become an aunt in a few weeks! i'm going to visit one of my best friends from college in california in february. three of my good friends are getting married. it's already looking like such a promising year, and i really think i'm starting it off on the right foot.

last year was a little different, i kind of forgot to even reflect on the new year, i was too into the boyfriend and such. it was kind of nice to have a little more "me" time this year and get a sense of clarity, and really be able to focus on my own life without the distractions. it's refreshing.

2008 was a good year for the most part, but i'm going to make 2009 even better.
happy new years!

a year ago, revisited

i was looking at old pictures today. reading last years christmas cards while putting away this years. i found myself back in this month of 2007.

for a minute, i was sad.
literally, a minute. i'm glad it was that short.

i had a minute of "i had a boyfriend last year."
"new years was actually fun."
"i spent christmas looking forward to what was coming up."

and then i realized - i have got to snap out of this. and quick.

it's been controlling my life for far too long. a year, is too long. way too long. i'm not saying it impacts me every day, because it doesn't, but it's not "gone." and it needs to be. it's holding me back in some ways, not as much as it used to, but still.

and then, i remembered this night.

and i reread that. and i'm sitting on the same couch, in the same spot that i got that news this year. and i'm staring at the same wall that i stared at for 2 hours after i got the damn text message that let me know we weren't going to meet up afterall.

and all i can think right now is, What am I doing?

why am I letting this own me, even partially? i know better than that.

i reread that post and all of those feelings come back. and i'm amazed and disappointed at myself for even still having contact with anyone who could ever do that to me. i couldn't do that to my worst enemy. in fact, i know in the reverse situation i would go no matter my relationship, like/dislike for the person, or how tired i was or how many meetings i had in the morning. i would go because, if for no other reason, i said that i would.

and so, i don't deserve this.

i may have gotten over that night, but it still happened. and i can tell you one thing that i know - i don't need someone like that in my life. be it someone who i have known nine years or not, that's not something that someone who cares about you does to you, and i don't need it...

and i need to stop making excuses.
and justifying things.
making good of the bad.
being one of those girls i've watched for so many years from the sidelines.

and realize one thing: that i deserve more.

i'm grateful for the new year, and washing my hands of (some of) 2008.

oh christmas...

i just got back into chicago a few hours ago. my dad drove me back, thank you dad!

what a wonderful christmas it was.

i got home the night before christmas eve to help my mom with all of her great preparations. my parents have this way of making christmas so special.

i walked into the house and it's adorned with lights, trees, decorations, and spirit. it's something i didn't appreciate when i was younger (though it happened then) but now i walk in the doors to that house and the welcome is overwhelming. i'm so grateful to have my family.

we had christmas eve festivities at my parents house and everyone was there, and my dad put on his santa suit for the little kids, and it was just all so... perfect. we were up until 2 am talking and appreciating what we are so lucky to have every year, a great family. great dinner. a tree that is overwhelmed with presents, though unnecessary. christmas carols playing in the background, a real pine tree... all of these wonderful things i have taken for granted all of my life.

i found myself looking around just reminding myself how very lucky i am to have any of this, let alone all of this.

we went to mass this morning... and the priest was beginning to give his homily. and he spoke of the bible verse "be not afraid." and how we should all free ourselves of our fears and anxieties... and he asked a nice family at church if he could use their child for a second. he held the baby in his arms and said "now how could you be afraid when you know a God like ours brought us into the world like this baby? look into this baby's eyes and tell me you're afraid of any God that could do this." and the crowd was quiet.

and then, something strange happened. he had to break his homily for a second because someone in the church was having heart problems. he stopped, went over to see if they were okay and told them it was obviously okay to leave. and so he kept speaking about freeing our fears and afterward let us know that the guy was okay, and going to his home. and that perhaps there were angels amongst us on Christmas day watching over him.

i had a hard time with it at first. i thought - why on earth would anyone have a heart attack at Christmas mass? during a homily about the validity of fears and whatnot.... but you know, there's always a reason.

tonight on our drive back i asked my dad what he thought all of that meant. and he said, "amy, i think it happens so that we realize how very lucky we are. and the man is okay." and it took me a minute, but i agreed.

lesson learned - i'm so grateful for my health, my family, a place i can always call home, but most of all, happiness.

i'm grateful for all of my gifts as well, but the latter is less important.

merry christmas, everyone.

thank you for being in my life.

a christmas carol

i slept too much earlier today, so i'm finding myself pretty awake at 2:30 am. things on the mind, so i decided it was a good time to do some writing.

it's cold here. really cold. winter in chicago has returned. i believe my cab driver this morning told me that it was -14 degrees with windchill. i seem to forget about this every year until it happens. it's funny how you get sort of immune to it though. i was dreading my walk to the bus stop on my way home, and honestly, it wasn't all that bad. i imagine if i lived in some warm climate for some substantial amount of time, those ten minutes waiting would have seemed like hours.

i took my parents to see A Christmas Carol this year at the Goodman Theatre. they've taken me every year since i was young, and i decided that this year it was my turn to treat them. i surprised them with tickets and sent them in the mail with a note saying something along the lines of, "thanks for always teaching me and showing me what's important in life," something that is not only true, but a main theme of the play.

we had dinner and headed to the show. it was great as always. i can't explain the feeling i leave with after seeing that play. maybe because it's so well done. maybe because it's a family tradition for us. definitely because of the lessons the story provides. in any case, i leave every year with a little more joy. it's like - i never forget what's important in life for the most part - but it's nice to be reminded, as it's easy to get distracted. for me, this play does just that. i noticed this year that when we left people were actually smiling at each other in the elevators, holding doors. maybe it's just a coincidence - maybe it happens to me every day, but i noticed it more, and i guess that's what i mean. the story has a way of making the heart just that much kinder.

this year, for my christmas cards, i decided to quote Dickens and the play. the quote i chose is from scrooge's nephew Fred, one whose character always has a large amount of Christmas spirit.

"But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that, as a good time: a pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"

it's a perfect statement to me, and exactly the way i feel about this season. i like to think that everyone feels a little more lighthearted, even if it may not be true.

all in all, a good night to spend with my family and it felt so good to treat them for once. i realize now, as always, how very much i have to be grateful for. whether that means having a strong family, a warm place to call home, food on the table, or whatever else. i have a good life, and a lot to be thankful for. and that reinforcement, amongst good staging and acting, is why i love this play so very much.

Christmas is now in the air for me.

an exercise

i read an article today that i've had forever, but never actually read. it was from a psychology class that i took when i first started graduate school as an elective. there was a section on making goals, setting goals, and self-revelations. anyways, i was going through old books and stuff and i came back across it. the exercise is all about listing things about you. about your life. things people may not know, and things you may not even know until you find that you start thinking about it, and before you know it, you write them down. the article recommends fifty things. i've been in a little bit of a rut for the past week or so, unexplained rut. i can't seem to get to the bottom of it. i mean, life is good and all, but i guess i get like this from time to time... down on myself, trying to figure it out, whatever. so, i figured, what the hell. i'll give it a shot.

my "things"

1. i still miss my dog every day. he died five years ago. when i go to my parents house, i sometimes still think he'll be at the door.
2. i love the way my parents house smells. i don't know how to describe it, but it always smells like home. sometimes that means smelling like christmas, sometimes it means smelling like my mom's favorite plug in wall scent or whatever, but it always smells like home.
3. i still think about people from my past a lot. people that i wish i could have back in my life, but i know that it's not feasible. regardless, the traits i adored about them inspire me, and i appreciate the memories that are left behind with me and will always be around.
4. i sleep with my windows open during the winter sometimes. there's something about having a freezing apartment and a warm blanket to cuddle up under. sometimes i just love my blanket more than i love the heat being on.
5. i know i shouldn't think about things like this - but i do. i've thought about what i am going to do when my parents die a few times in my life, and it always leaves me in tears. and both of them are 100% healthy, but i can't imagine not having them around, no matter how old i am. i'm scared of that more than anything in the entire world. i never want that day to come.
6. i like places that have jukeboxes. i think it adds character.
7. i want to be an author, but i'm scared that i'll never have a story.
8. as content as i am being single, i sometimes worry that i'll never get married. it's just something i want in my life. not right now, but eventually, and i guess the thought of it not happening scares me a bit.
9. i sleep hugging a pillow, every single night.
10. i feel uncomfortable in expensive places. restaurants, stores, etc. i feel out of place.
11. i want to travel for like a year straight. just see the world, and then get back to life.
12. i already miss being twenty-two. it just seems like things were so much easier then, even though not much has changed.
13. i want to live somewhere besides chicago for awhile, because i know i will end up here. i want to do it, but i don't know if i have the guts to leave all of the people here. i'd miss my family and friends so much... i wish i was the type that could pack up and leave sometimes, but i don't know if i am at all.
14. i love christmas, and not the present part. i love the feeling. i love the way everyone just seems a little happier, and a little more merry. i hate the commercial side of it, though.
15. i complain about the winter and the cold, but i think i'm grateful for it because it makes me appreciate the rest of the year.
16. i've given up a lot of things i used to love and i don't know why. taking pictures for example, making crafts, writing way more often, reading way more often. part of it can be attributed to being really busy, but i'm not sure that's all of it.
17. i haven't driven since may, and the only thing i miss about it is listening to a good cd while driving in the rain.
18. there are several things about myself that i'd like to change.
19. i think it is weird that i can sleep through an alarm clock for an hour. a loud alarm clock. haha.
20. i really enjoy long train rides. with good music and earphones and just looking out the window. probably some of my favorite moments.
21. i feel like i'm the only female in the world who actually does not like shopping at all.
22. i don't think about my birth parents a lot, in fact, almost never. but i do wonder if they ever think about me.
23. i cry on my birthday every year. i have no idea why. usually it is about something completely unnecessary. but, every year.
24. sometimes i drive myself crazy thinking too hard.
25. i wish it was normal to wear pajamas to work :)
26. i'm a pretty independent person for the most part, but sometimes, i get pretty lonely.
27. i adore chicago. i feel like sometimes, it's my company, or my peace of mind. knowing that in the midst of whatever life throws me, there's a city full of opportunities right out my front door brings me comfort.
28. i wish i had more time to go to church. and i wish i went more often.
29. i wish that my brother would give me a chance to be a good sister.
30. in the past year or so, i've gotten comfortable going to a restaurant completely alone. and now, i actually enjoy it. it's relaxing.
31. i'm horrible with any sort of change. takes me forever to get over it.
32. in the same sense, i like routine. i need a calendar at all times. i do the same thing from start to finish in the morning every single day. i always have a to do list. crossing off an item brings this weird sense of accomplishment to me, even if it's something a simple as "laundry" or "buy stamps."
33. i love coming home when i know there are clean sheets on my bed.
34. i love reading back on this blog. it's kind of like watching a movie of my life.
35. i love a good storm, combined with a good cd, or a good book. windows open.
36. i have absolutely no idea where i'll be in a year from now. i guess that's the same as most people, but i mean, i don't even have the slightest idea.
37. i'm excited to graduate in may, i think it's a big accomplishment. at the same time, i really think i will miss it. i love learning.
38. the older i get, the more i see my mom and dad in me. it's crazy. i never believed people when they used to say that would happen. i also never thought i'd like crate and barrel and cleaning supplies. haha.
39. i wish i was more knowledgeable about the world.
40. i have a lot of things that i would like to get rid of because i don't use them, but i can't because they remind me of a time period in my life that for some reason i'm attached to.
41. i wish i was one of those people that could just lay down and fall asleep. without thinking about dumb things for two hours. haha.
42. i can't wait to have a house and decorate it. i'm so excited to have more than an apartment someday.
43. there's nothing better than a big hug.
44. i can't fall asleep without the TV on.
45. i love the mornings when i wake up early. the mornings when you have time for a little extra "me" time. whether that means a cup of coffee, or doing the dishes so you don't have to do them when you get home.
46. i never understood how bad a heartbreak is until this year. it's the worst feeling in the world.
47. i wish i did more to better the world. i think about it, but i'm only semi-proactive. i wish i did more.
48. i actually enjoy talking to strangers. even if its a 2 sentence exchange. i just like it.
49. i'm a total hypochondriac.
50. i'm grateful for everything in my life, and everyone in my life. and i need to remember that more often than i sometimes do.

you didn't come

the only good dialogue from The Lakehouse

Kate: You weren’t there, you didn’t come.

Alex: I don’t understand. Something must’ve happened. I’m sorry. I’ve got two years and we can try again.

Kate: no, Alex. It’s too late. It already happened. It didn’t work.

Alex: Don’t give up on me, Kate. What about “Persuasion”? You told me they wait, they meet again. They have another chance.

Kate: Life is not a book, Alex. And it can be over in a second. I was having lunch with my mother at Daley Plaza. And a man was killed right in front of me. He died in my arms. And I thought it can’t end just like that on Valentines Day. And I thought about all the people who love him, waiting at home, who will never see him again. Then I thought what if there is no life? What if you live your whole life and no one is waiting. So I drove to the lake house looking for any kinds of answer. And I found you. And I let my self get lost, lost in this beautiful fantasy when time just stood still. But it’s not real Alex. I have to learn to live the life that I’ve got. Please don’t write any more. Don’t try to find me. Let me let you go.

glimmers

walking down the street tonight, i had one of those moments that i like to think of as movie moments... where the scenery surrounding you is so pretty, nature comes alive, and you feel like it's almost unnatural because it's perfect. movie like.

i was walking down the street around six, up north toward where i live and watching the first snowfall in chicago. it wasn't heavy snow, or big snowflakes. it was dust, the kind that really only shows up in street lights. but it glimmers. and it offers the feelings of a new season. the nostalgia of the holidays. the feeling of something new, something fresh.

a change.

i'd be lying if i said i walked down that street today and didn't think about where i was a year ago at this time.

either way, i enjoyed it. i put on my warmest coat, and instead of taking the bus, i walked. there are only so many days that you can actually enjoy the snow, because of course, this is the mild part. but it's still pretty now. it won't be in a few weeks.

i came home and went to dinner with a friend. and were both talking about how pretty the city looked and how happy we were to be here.

i came home to someone telling me that they missed me.
that they were down today. felt gray. that it was gray there.
that they wished they were here.
wished they could see me.

it takes every bone in my body to not respond with instinct, and that first instinct is to eat it up. to take every one of those words and yell "me too!" and "i thought of you all freaking night when i walked home tonight."
but i know that i can't do that.

my second instinct is to say, "you could have had all of that."

i just wonder why it has to be like that. and why it takes someone being lonely to realize what they've lost. i sometimes just wish we, as people, could just stay in that moment. and not leave it. to have never left that place i was in about a year ago.

but then i know that we'd never appreciate the times we were in the moment. as much as i want to be the eternal optimist and believe that life can be all euphoric and wonderful and no one ever has to get hurt, i know that the reason we love and remember the moments in our lives are because in some way, they made us feel something. and unfortunately, if we never felt what it was like to not have something, if we never felt lost... if we never felt hurt, well...it would be pretty difficult to feel love.

amazing what one snowy evening can evoke.