high school, sort of

5 year high school reunion this weekend. i had a lot of fun. it was great to see familiar faces, people you have memories of but haven't seen in awhile... it felt the same. it was really, really great. i have to admit i was a little nervous showing up. i just didn't really know what to expect. i mean 5 years doesn't seem that long--but it is! there were people i even forgot about. it was just nice to see everyone doing well and catch up some. i'm really glad i went. it felt good.

that song i posted yesterday, i'm in love with it. i love the line that goes "i'm thinking about the city, it's living proof that people need to be together." what a cool line. i honestly wish i could come up with things like that. i love to write, but i can never come up with those two liners that just work. maybe someday i'll learn to write music. that would be a dream career for me.

my emotions have just been crazy lately! i've been so sentimental and so deep. more than usual. it's pretty weird. last night i had so much going on and i was thinking while trying to fall asleep--i need to write this stuff down! this is where i get my quality material, when my mind is just racing and i'm feeling everything so much more... but i was just too dang tired. and of course, i can't do it the next day. when the feeling hits, you just have to go for it. i wish i had.

anyway, really good weekend. so good to see everyone, and i'm so glad to see that everybody is happy. also, i think people have grown up a lot--including myself--and it's kind of nice to go back to high school, without going back to high school. reassuring, at least.

i love these lyrics

i'm thinking about the city
it's living proof that people need to be together
i'm thinking about how i just want to open up
and give and give and give

and it's okay for you to care
cause i can feel you in the air.
while you wonder--how's this gonna end?
i only want it to begin.

i'm thinking about desire
i've had to learn how to sin successfully.
i'm thinking about bliss
and bliss is all dressed up
and there's no one to dance with

remembering a smile, and the nuclear bomb
and the reasons i loved her
i'm walking through central park
i'm in a foreign country and i'm waiting for a sign

and it's okay for you to care
cause i'm not going anywhere
and while you wonder if you should let me in
i only want it to begin.
-Ben Lee

i wish this was easy

if it takes my whole life
i won't break i won't bend
it will all be worth it
worth it in the end
cause i can only tell you what i know--
that i need you in my life.
-sarah mclachlan

how ironic that you only live once, and you can spend that whole once wondering about something that you could never find the strength to face up to.

in absense

so i'm up late tonight, late being 11:30 these days, for the first time in a long time. and just as i laid down to let myself sleep i started thinking... and kept thinking. you know those nights? your mind just races and before you know it you're somewhere completely different than you started?

anyways, what i'm wondering tonight is if you just keep someone in your life because you don't know how to replace them... so you make the memories strong by reliving them... but would someone else be able to make you feel the same way as easily? or not? i mean, by reliving these so-called great moments or whatever, keeping this ghost alive, am i keeping myself from greater things? am i living in the past when i could be living in the present? have i built things up too much?

life's so strange. when something great happens to you, you want to keep it, right there in the palm of your hand--only, sometimes it gets away. and i've found that i've dealt with that strangely. instead of wanting something new, i want things the way that they were. i haven't really moved on. i live in the past, a lot. i relate to things that happened years ago like they were last week and it feels real because i've held on for so long. it's really bizarre. i got to wondering, am i just fooling myself? am i wasting my life by chasing something that is probably never going to happen?

somedays i wish i could just forget it all.
other days i know i'd be empty if i could forget it all.
but at least i wouldn't miss it this much.

on being humble

every once in awhile i read back on things i wrote awhile ago, because it's interesting, i change the way i feel obviously so it's kinda fun to look back at myself, so to speak. but anyways, as i was looking back today i realized how i never capitalize things...at least i try not to on here. and the reason for that is that awhile back i knew someone who would always sign emails with a lowercase letter. "amy" for example. and i always liked it because its so humble. there's something i like about not seeing "I," just having it blend in with the rest of the letters you know... it's not so forceful. it's not so "i'm right." it's humble, and simple, and for those reasons... i think it's great.

but i get caught sometimes between being a humble writer and a person with an english degree and in that place is where you'll find me capitalizing things and punctuating like crazy. but really, this is me. ha. maybe i went on too long about that. i don't know, i just really loved the simplicity of seeing someone write an entire email perfectly punctuated and capitalized and then just sigining it like -amy.

news: my parents bought a new house and we're going home. i'm so happy. it's not my old house, but it's what i know... and i'll have more room to be 23. it will be a great stepping stone until i move out, and i couldn't be happier for my parents. i heard them the other day say, "we're going home," and it just about broke my heart out of happiness. they've been through a lot these past few years, it's really rewarding to see them comfortable again. or at least, getting comfortable. they definitely deserve it.

my blog title

you know what i was just realizing that i've never really explained my blog title. i know some people get it. but i also know some might not so here's whay i named it that... well there's this damien rice song i really like called Older Chests. And it's about a lot of things, but to me its about change for the most part. And it's just written really beautifully--as are most Damien Rice songs. But anyways, there's this line that goes...

Older chests reveal themselves like a crack in the wall, starting small, grow in time
And we all seem to need to help of someone else
To mend that shelf with too many books
Read me your favorite line.

And i just really like it for the title of a blog because essentially that's what writing does for me--mends that shelf when i have too many books on it. you know? in other words, it takes some pressure off. let's me have some release. so yeah, anyways... that's why i chose that title. :)

my old website

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=amyj28

i just found it. i totally for got about this one. this came before this blog... so it's over a year old. but some of it is still kinda fun.

always liked this line

"Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins
And there's no such thing as what might have been
That's a waste of time
Drive you out of your mind"
-Tim McGraw

i've been writing a lot more than usual... i'm not sure why. i think i've just had a lot going on mentally lately, but i really don't know what my deal is.

i guess it's natural that my opinions toward people and things are changing, right? i'm at a semi-new stage in my life and i'm always realizing things. i'm already noticing myself growing up to be so much like my parents, taking on their values and advice and stuff. i've found myself repeating things they've told me all my life. weird how that happens.

but i guess i've also been reassesssing...everything. the quality of people. the quality of their values. their purpose in my life. i don't know. i've been having my doubts. i get like this every once in awhile and i have to ask myself--is this good for me or bad for me? and i guess this healing process--as in my medication--is sort of helping me to realize what's helping me and what's hurting me. i finally feel like myself again, which is awesome. but i need to surround myself with positive people. i mean people that will make me feel confident you know? that i'm a good person. i just haven't felt like that lately! i don't know what the deal is. and i know i have some great, great, friends. that would do anything for me in the world... so yeah. i'm just going to have to figure all of that out.

can't

you know that restaurant on highway 1
with the key lime pie, that song, the sand, and the sun
where we ran in our barefeet
built a castle on the beach
just the wind, the rocks, the waves and you and me

i can't go there

realizations

i had a really good weekend. the baby shower went well, i think. all the work was worth it (i knew it was going to be) and i got to see some really great people that i don't get to see too much. all was well.

the anxiety and stuff has subsided, i think my medicine is working, except it's so gradual that you don't really feel anything, so it's kinda hard to tell. i feel better though, so that's great. i wish i had the courage to come to terms with this problem a year ago--it would have saved me a lot of worrying--but i guess it's better late than never.

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan
When something is broken
and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway you can

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
but I don’t know if I can
I know something is broken
and I’m trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway I can
-Coldplay

i sometimes feel like no one ever takes me seriously, and part of that, i'm to blame for. i mean i joke around, a lot, i have a crazy personality, i know all of that. but the thing is, i'm still a person. i'm still really sensitive, i still get hurt. easily. it's like somewhere in the midst of being able to take a joke, you get trampled on hard. so where's the right balance? i'm not sure. and maybe it's me. i mean maybe i should take everything a little lighter, maybe i shouldn't be looking at everyone i know as the bad guy, but i'm not exactly sure i can help it.

i have my weaknesses. who doesn't?

just a realization i've come to recently. it kind of scares me, i look back in my old journals and stuff and i was the same way, always so worried no one took me seriously...always so worried about being so happy most of the time that people don't know you get hurt. so i've been this way my whole life? i guess i just feel like i should have outgrown it or something. like this shouldn't still be attacking me at this point in life... and like i said, maybe that's my fault.

good one

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"
-Sex and the City

feelin' good

gosh i realized i've been writing in this thing a year. that's a long time, a really long time. i remember becuase i remember the fireworks last year with my parents and it was the first time we were "home" persay in awhile... sort of an emotional experience. anyways...

i'm feeling good. much better than my last post. i've been exercising every day, running and walking a couple of miles. it's amazing how healthy that makes you feel. i wish i would have discovered this sooner. i've also been eating healthier, working better, sleeping better. i just feel good.

so. fourth of july weekend. it's funny, i used to think of it as like an excuse to party and i didn't care whatsoever if we missed the fireworks and all that. but now all i do is go watch fireworks with my family. ha. i guess that's growing up. kinda strange how that happens. the office is closing early today, always a bonus.

i really like working in that it keeps ms busy and occupies my day, and provides me with some source of income. what i don't like about it is i have no energy to do anything else. i really need to work on sleeping more. that might change this situation.

anyway, no deep thoughts today.
just feeling good on a friday.
nothing wrong with that.