Sunday, February 20, 2005

some more old stuff

you know awhile back i posted some old stuff. well, i have this document on my computer, password protected from the time i spent in california. time where i literally did nothing, but think, and write. and so rather than just have it sit there password protected forever, i thought i'd put some up here once in awhile... so here's some more.

"I never thought of myself as someone who needs people. I mean, everyone needs people, but I’ve always been the one who could go to the mall alone, and not need anyone to come with me. Well, all of the sudden I’m realizing that’s because I’ve had the choice. If I wanted someone to go, I could have asked them, I just CHOSE to go alone. The difference with the situation I’m in now is that I have absolutely no one to ask to go with me, anywhere. I can’t explore this city alone, and while the world awaits me outside the door of this townhouse, I have absolutely no one to share the adventure with, which makes it no fun at all. So I’ve realized I’m dependent on always having someone, whether I choose to bring them or not, at least I could have. And I guess that’s normal, but I find it disappointing. I feel like I should be able to do anything alone and I shouldn’t always “need someone” but hey, I guess I can’t help it much.

It’s light outside, and I’m up until almost 6 am with utterly no purpose. I mean none. If my parents came in here right now and said “Amy why are you up so late?” I would have no idea what to say.
So goodnight, no point in wasting the day tomorrow—not that I’ll do anything, probably wont even leave the house—but still, each day is a gift—receive it with eagerness. " -August 2003

confusion in february

i'm sad lately. well, not sad. i guess the better word is scared. i'm starting to feel like whereas i'm supposed to be at this starting point in my life -- i'm really at this sort of dead end. and for the first time in my life, i actually don't have any huge dream of what i'm going to be someday. growing up, i somehow lost that vision and instead now i just sort of think, "everything will fall into place, everything will work out, it always does."

but does it?

i'm getting scared.

and i'm not totally down about myself or anything. i mean, i know i have some things to offer some company, somewhere, i guess what's scary is first of all - where is that company, somewhere, and second of all that i don't know how to prove my abilities t to anyone that i haven't known for a long time.

i feel like i'm completely uncomfortable with every aspect of my life right now. like, i currently serve no purpose--not a student--not employed, i spend all day every day in front of a computer, in bed, watching tv because that's the only thing i can really do without money...

i want to move out of my house. there's just not enough room for me here and i'm too used to living on my own. outside of all of that, it's far from anything that i know, and it just doesn't feel like any sort of home to me. i'm pretty confident that it never will. and i hate to complain but it's hard because i'm used to a lot of different ways of living--but i can't get used to this one. at the same time, i'm living for free. so i guess, as with anything, pros and cons, pros and cons.

with people i'm confused in general. i guess since college my life has sort of changed because the people i have immediate contact with have sort of changed. and i don't know. i'm always observing people, always trying to figure them out. and it will be a long time before i do. if i ever do. and i know i always say this but it's sooo strange who you end up keeping contact with. it really is. life works in mysterious ways and people never hesitate to surprise you, either in a good way, or unfortunately sometimes, a bad way.

i feel good about the people that i know, though. i feel that i was lucky, i know great people. they make me stronger and honestly, they get me through the day.

and you know sometimes, just when you've given up hope on someone, they can turn around and end up getting you through the day too. or even making your day. it's just one of those crazy things i'll never understand--

but i'll always appreciate.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

let things happen

in the wise words of ben harper, "it's so hard to do and so easy to say. but sometimes, sometimes, you just have to walk away." easy to love those lines. respect the meaning. easy to do just the opposite.

i don't know. today i realized that i have an obsession with not losing touch with people. i mean an obsession. it scares me. since the 8th grade, it has scared me. seems like a good thing right? and it is. i mean it really is because i have good friends that i've been fortunate enough to stay in touch with for a long time. but what happens if and when it's time to let go?

and i think we always know this time. we can feel it coming. but instead of looking forward, moving on, we cling to the past, and convince ourselves awkwardly that, nothing has changed.
we live through old songs, pictures, moments, beat up cars and ticket stubs. and we make these things timeless.

but meanwhile, days are going by.

is it possible that i believe in two things that completely contradict each other? one being to let fate take it's course... to let things happen. to avoid being aggressive. to "go with the flow." the other being to do everything within my willpower to keep people in my life.

it's weird because sometimes people come back to you. that's been my experience. the same few people i won't see for three, four years, will show up into my life out of absolutely nowhere and take an immedate, important role. i remember kara's letter to me senior year in high school and it said "i know if i don't talk to you for ten years i could call you and say come over." and she put it perfectly. some peoples bond together is just that way. others get lost somewhere along the way. so does it work to do more than your part to hang on? or should you just let go?

this whole thing would be easier if some sort of closure was always involved, but the thing is, closure is never involved in these situations. always this ongoing process of losing touch, caring less, but there's never any "you know what, this is it, thanks for all the good years." and while i understand why not, i think it would help.