confusion in february

i'm sad lately. well, not sad. i guess the better word is scared. i'm starting to feel like whereas i'm supposed to be at this starting point in my life -- i'm really at this sort of dead end. and for the first time in my life, i actually don't have any huge dream of what i'm going to be someday. growing up, i somehow lost that vision and instead now i just sort of think, "everything will fall into place, everything will work out, it always does."

but does it?

i'm getting scared.

and i'm not totally down about myself or anything. i mean, i know i have some things to offer some company, somewhere, i guess what's scary is first of all - where is that company, somewhere, and second of all that i don't know how to prove my abilities t to anyone that i haven't known for a long time.

i feel like i'm completely uncomfortable with every aspect of my life right now. like, i currently serve no purpose--not a student--not employed, i spend all day every day in front of a computer, in bed, watching tv because that's the only thing i can really do without money...

i want to move out of my house. there's just not enough room for me here and i'm too used to living on my own. outside of all of that, it's far from anything that i know, and it just doesn't feel like any sort of home to me. i'm pretty confident that it never will. and i hate to complain but it's hard because i'm used to a lot of different ways of living--but i can't get used to this one. at the same time, i'm living for free. so i guess, as with anything, pros and cons, pros and cons.

with people i'm confused in general. i guess since college my life has sort of changed because the people i have immediate contact with have sort of changed. and i don't know. i'm always observing people, always trying to figure them out. and it will be a long time before i do. if i ever do. and i know i always say this but it's sooo strange who you end up keeping contact with. it really is. life works in mysterious ways and people never hesitate to surprise you, either in a good way, or unfortunately sometimes, a bad way.

i feel good about the people that i know, though. i feel that i was lucky, i know great people. they make me stronger and honestly, they get me through the day.

and you know sometimes, just when you've given up hope on someone, they can turn around and end up getting you through the day too. or even making your day. it's just one of those crazy things i'll never understand--

but i'll always appreciate.