life's craziness

lacking inspiration lately due to 2 tests and 2 papers this week... and the lack of effort i put towards those kind of tells me i shouldn't be putting forth a whole bunch on here.

so i graduate college in 3 months. that's crazy. i'm ready to go i mean, i'll miss it, i love purdue, i'll miss a lot of people... but there's a lot i need to get away from too. i'm ready for the next step.

i've been putting together a portfolio and it's kinda weird to see 4 years of your work all together. it's kind of like "wow, this is really it. time to grow up. time to get out of here. time to move on."

see it's weird, i like the idea of new beginnings, i hate the idea of change. is that contradictory? i can't really figure it out. but there's something i like about making a new impression, starting fresh... at the same time, i think i find a good deal of comfort in my current lifestyle. i guess it's hard to leave anything behind. i can't really piece it all together quite yet.

i wrote the eulogy for my cousin's funeral today... wow, that was weird. i mean he was my age. i can't get that out of my mind. it's especially sad because to write it i used a letter i'd written my great aunt awhile back when her husband died, and the whole time i just kept thinking "geez, he was 80 something years old... and my cousin was 22, and i'm writing the same things about them." it's just really crazy to compare the two. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever been asked to write. i never get writers block (well, barely ever) and i had it pretty bad today when my mom asked me to write that. it was hard to put down.

life's just too crazy for me sometimes
you just gotta play it by ear

pouring

you know, i normally use this blog to kinda figure things out, go over something i just realized, because for whatever reason, writing is my medicine. it helps me sort things out. i usually don't go over my day's events and stuff like that, but today was one of those days for me when you just kinda get down about things and start to beat yourself up over things... and you know, i don't know if it's certain in everyone else's life, but the phrase "when it rains, it pours" sure holds true for me most of the time.

so i'm going to make an exception right now and write some things on here that have happened to me in the past couple of days, and maybe in a sense that will help me to kinda jump these hurdles.

well yesterday my dad called me, and i thought it was strange when he called because it was the second time i talked to him in one day... anyways, he called to tell me that my cousin philip was murdered. he was 22 years old. now, i didn't have any connection to philip other than age right, but i mean, it's still my cousin, 22 years old. i have trouble writing about him in the past. i keep using present tense verbs and i have to go back half a sentence and change things... and that is because it hasn't set in yet. it just doesn't seem real. this gets me down not only because of the obvious reasons, but because it gets my family down, which kills me more than anything. i mean, when i was talking to my parents, both today and yesterday, it didn't even sound like the same people. the whole thing is just hard to find reasoning for. i want answers, i want it to be two days ago when this hadn't happened. it's just really hard to sort through something so inconceivable.

i guess the rest of things are just usual things, it's getting to be that time in the school year when everything is due in every class, and i hate that. it stresses me out. beyond that, i am already thinking about graduation, getting a job (hopefully), moving home forever... part of me is excited by that change, part of me loves purdue too much to think about it. i know i need to be interviewing and going to career fairs and all of that, but i'm taking 19 credit hours too, and i guess it's just hard to find focus on something that seems so inconceivable when you're living in a college apartment with three of your friends. i want so much for myself, yet i don't think i have the motivation to chase it, and that scares me.

then of course there are the typical outlying factors, the ones that don't go away. people that you care about that end up blowing you off... and another thing is i'm tired of having enemies, not that i have a lot, but i mean, i don't want to have any. i hate that feeling. i am tired of everyone being so busy with life that they can't make time for the people they care about.

what is life about? give me a break.

i realize we are all young adults at this stage and starting life and serious jobs and 40 hour work weeks plus, that's fine, but like, are you going to use that excuse your whole life? i'm just talking about friends here, but what happens in 5-10 years when you have a kid--you plan on telling them you couldn't take them to school on the first day because you had a meeting?

i mean do you just stop calling people? do you call them every three birthdays? maybe drop them an e-card? no, you make time. you don't sit at home and watch ER for an hour--you go out to coffee. i don't know it's just that that is not where my priorities are at at all, and when i hear people--my good friends--saying stuff like that it makes my head spin.

you know you are only as busy as you make yourself. and while it's okay to be busy and keep yourself involved and motivated, it is not ok to, in the process, forget about the people that helped to make you who you are...

and i know that's my personal view on things, but i can't help but wish that all of this growing up stuff wasn't getting to everybody so much. be proessional, fine. be an adult, fine. get a job, great. love your job, awesome. wear a suit. but also, make a phone call, send a card, stop by, make TIME.

anyway, i have a lot to sleep on tonight. and not a lot of time to do it.
sorry for ranting. i feel better. goodnight.

absolutely fragile

you know when you're little, you have no concept of time? you're not worried about getting old, dying, losing touch with people, figuring out what you're going to do with your life? then, unfortunately, the older you get, the more reality sets in and as you lose people along the way, you realize just how fragile life really is.

we're taught to not think about death, or dying, or anything tragic but rather enjoy life, the here and the now. and i completely agree with that attitude, but i mean, the reality is that anything can happen, anytime, and that's frightening. if we could live with the attitudes of children our whole lives -- i think that would be a great thing.

because in an instant, life can change as you know it. anything can happen, right? your life can turn upside down, in a minute. it's insane.

because then i could sleep at night

you know it's always just when you're used to it. just when you're getting used to your life, as is... minus a few people that you swore would never be subtracted, plus a few mistakes you swore you'd never make... but you know you accept that, you take it all in, and you rise above it--and you say to yourself you know what, things have changed...

but i'm okay...

and then, out of the absolute space and void you have gotten so used to, the void you have just accepted and forced yourself to rise above, someone reappears.
and in the beginning this is a good thing right? you're important. they remember. they care. for a minute.

but how is it that it turns into a letdown? i mean really, just leave me alone. i was doing just fine before you decided you wanted to jump right into my reclaimed sense of calm and splash around a little. it shouldn't be allowed, it's not fair. and above all, it's mean.

like they say in good will hunting, "most days i wish i'd never met you. because then i could sleep at night. i wouldn't have to walk around with the knowledge that someone like you was out there..."

and that's exactly what it is...