i don't need nobody flyin' in my jet stream
take the bus
go on and get yourself your own dream
cause this is my own life keepin' me down
where i wanna be in my private nation
Thursday, January 20, 2005
forever young
a lot of times i stay up late at night thinking about things, and a lot of times i end up thinking about the way i am now compared to the way i was when i was young. now if my parents were to read this or, my aunts and uncles, of cousre, they would gasp at the fact that i just used the phrase when i was young and be quick to correct me saying You are STILL young! but, in all fairness and realitivity and the sequence of life, i don't feel young anymore.
and here's why
when i was young, friends were people that i cared about yes. but also, people to drink beers with on the weekends. the way i would have classified friends five years ago is much different than i classify friends now. and i have found that it is so remarkable who you keep contact with. and to me upon graduating college, this is sort of the end of the rope--there's really no more steps in the overall scheme of things so your list is sort of finalized. sort of. life always has a way of throwing curve balls.
but my list is a lot different than i would have ever predicted. and let me just note that i'm completely satisified with the final version.
when i was young a lot more things seemed serious that i now see as petty. there was always more fighting, always more drama, always more competition. and growing up you realize that, none of that matters. it's when these complications get involved and bigger and better things come along that youre able to look back upon your younger years and realize: wow, i wasted a lot of time and energy on things that absolutely never mattered.
when i was young i never really appreciated anything at all. i didn't know how to becuase i didn't realize that everything i had someone worked hard to give me. until i worked hard for myself.
when i was young i never thought i would be able to say that i have been friends with someone for ten years. for ten years. that made you old, when i was young.
when i was young a big purchase was a tank of gasoline, a movie ticket, chipping in on a case of beer. now a big purchase is a car, a percentage of your paycheck going toward retirement, medical insurance.
and so yes, 23, 23 is young to people in their fifties and i can grant them that comparison i suppose, but it's the transitional age where things stop being handed to you, you start to accept your life as your responsibility. you realize it will be what you make of it. and you look back on the years you have sort of floated through, in fondness and appreciation for the people that have made it possible for you to float through those years. and i really think it's the first time in your life (and i'm positive not the last) that you have a sincere appreciation for your past, and a clear, optimistic vision of your future. because from here on out, it's in your hands.
and here's why
when i was young, friends were people that i cared about yes. but also, people to drink beers with on the weekends. the way i would have classified friends five years ago is much different than i classify friends now. and i have found that it is so remarkable who you keep contact with. and to me upon graduating college, this is sort of the end of the rope--there's really no more steps in the overall scheme of things so your list is sort of finalized. sort of. life always has a way of throwing curve balls.
but my list is a lot different than i would have ever predicted. and let me just note that i'm completely satisified with the final version.
when i was young a lot more things seemed serious that i now see as petty. there was always more fighting, always more drama, always more competition. and growing up you realize that, none of that matters. it's when these complications get involved and bigger and better things come along that youre able to look back upon your younger years and realize: wow, i wasted a lot of time and energy on things that absolutely never mattered.
when i was young i never really appreciated anything at all. i didn't know how to becuase i didn't realize that everything i had someone worked hard to give me. until i worked hard for myself.
when i was young i never thought i would be able to say that i have been friends with someone for ten years. for ten years. that made you old, when i was young.
when i was young a big purchase was a tank of gasoline, a movie ticket, chipping in on a case of beer. now a big purchase is a car, a percentage of your paycheck going toward retirement, medical insurance.
and so yes, 23, 23 is young to people in their fifties and i can grant them that comparison i suppose, but it's the transitional age where things stop being handed to you, you start to accept your life as your responsibility. you realize it will be what you make of it. and you look back on the years you have sort of floated through, in fondness and appreciation for the people that have made it possible for you to float through those years. and i really think it's the first time in your life (and i'm positive not the last) that you have a sincere appreciation for your past, and a clear, optimistic vision of your future. because from here on out, it's in your hands.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
blank stages and old friends
as for the lapse in writing, i've been sort of a blank slate lately. combination of a few things: it's an awkward stage in my life and i'm sort of trying to figure it out, and i really have little human interaction these days--i've just been job searching and kind of socially punishing myself until i start working. few reasons. first is that i need money. and more than needing money, i have priorities to spend my money on. college is over, wild spending and parental support is going to be gone soon, and so i've gotta figure this out. that doesn't mean of course, i'm going to never have fun again, it just means i'm going to have it less--and put a lot more money toward things i actually need to (i.e. cars, bills, savings) than social activities.
but yeah, life since college has been---life. i've adjusted better than i thought i would. not sure why yet (one of those things i'm trying to figure out) but i have. i've picked up the next step pretty quickly, started interviewing right away, got a job offer today. so i'm happy. and i'm a little proud of myself too. it's a lot of pressure though--accepting a job offer. my mind is having this internal fight between needing money really bad and knowing that i want to love my job. it's a huge decision and the thing is, companies aren't that patient (at least in my experience so far) and don't allow you that much time to think about it. i'm kind of walking on thin ice for the next few days. i hope i make the right decision, and, i think that i will. i hope that i will.
ok switching gears for a second
kinda weird, i heard the term "old friends" today while i was in the car, i can't remember why, but i thought for a second and i'm like wow--i actually understand that term now. it's something you don't understand when you're sixteen of course, or even twenty, because, friends are still fresh then and life is pretty much full of stability and constance.
but now i find myself watching old videos, looking at old pictures, laughing at the way we used to be, losing track of time and for a matter of minutes being right back in those pictures and bringing them to life. and that is, as far as i know, what old friends do.
to me it's bittersweet. i mean, while you're happy for the life you had, for the time you had, you're sad that it's over. and you can feel like the sixteen year old thats in that picture drinking a beer with a microphone, but only for a minute or so. and then it's sad. sad because now you're 23 looking back at that person that you really aren't anymore. and sad, because, it's over. but happy again because it ended well and you're still in the company of good friends years later. success, happiness, and growth sums it up.
just a few thoughts since it's been awhile. next time i'll try to be a little bit more logical. fingers crossed i like my job. thanks.
but yeah, life since college has been---life. i've adjusted better than i thought i would. not sure why yet (one of those things i'm trying to figure out) but i have. i've picked up the next step pretty quickly, started interviewing right away, got a job offer today. so i'm happy. and i'm a little proud of myself too. it's a lot of pressure though--accepting a job offer. my mind is having this internal fight between needing money really bad and knowing that i want to love my job. it's a huge decision and the thing is, companies aren't that patient (at least in my experience so far) and don't allow you that much time to think about it. i'm kind of walking on thin ice for the next few days. i hope i make the right decision, and, i think that i will. i hope that i will.
ok switching gears for a second
kinda weird, i heard the term "old friends" today while i was in the car, i can't remember why, but i thought for a second and i'm like wow--i actually understand that term now. it's something you don't understand when you're sixteen of course, or even twenty, because, friends are still fresh then and life is pretty much full of stability and constance.
but now i find myself watching old videos, looking at old pictures, laughing at the way we used to be, losing track of time and for a matter of minutes being right back in those pictures and bringing them to life. and that is, as far as i know, what old friends do.
to me it's bittersweet. i mean, while you're happy for the life you had, for the time you had, you're sad that it's over. and you can feel like the sixteen year old thats in that picture drinking a beer with a microphone, but only for a minute or so. and then it's sad. sad because now you're 23 looking back at that person that you really aren't anymore. and sad, because, it's over. but happy again because it ended well and you're still in the company of good friends years later. success, happiness, and growth sums it up.
just a few thoughts since it's been awhile. next time i'll try to be a little bit more logical. fingers crossed i like my job. thanks.
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