Thursday, March 11, 2010


i have to say i wasn't done speaking after my last post.

i haven't slept well since monday, since my dad got the news. last night i was crying in bed and just doing my best to explain to Scott how life isn't fair.

i've been thinking about the parallels of life a lot, and the circle of life as well. all i can say at the end of all of this thinking is that i wish i could do more. i feel so completely helpless at this point, and there is no one i would rather help more in this world.

as for the parallels, i've given so much thought as to what my parents have given to me in life. first of all, life itself. i'm lucky to even have them as my parents. chance isn't always a perfect thing but i can't think of anything more perfect than my parents being my parents and i am so grateful for that every day.

beyond the obvious, they've taught me patience. grace. love. acceptance. i can't imagine my life any differently. sometimes when i think about my mother not being able to have children biologically, it baffles me. she is a born to be mother. at the same time, i do believe this was all, meant to be. i can't imagine my family any differently and i feel fortunate to have landed where i landed, if that makes sense. my mother is the most giving woman i have ever met. if i become half of the mom that she has been throughout my entire life, i'd be honored.

and my dad, well, i can't say enough about him. i think he's the reason i didn't cut myself short, ever, because i had a positive male influence in my life. i think he's my rock. he's what i have when i have nothing else. on a hard day, i have my dad. rough interview, my dad will lift my spirits.

i don't know what else i can say to explain how blessed i am. and perhaps it takes hard times to realize it, but i'm so lucky to have it all of the time.

i love you mom and dad, and i know you both very well. and i know that you'll get through this.

my dad

most times in life when something seems to go wrong, or something hurtful happens to someone, i always like to think that it may be for a reason. and maybe that reason won't come for five years, or even twenty years, but in hindsight it will eventually all come together and make sense in some grand plan.

now, is this the way the world works? who knows. i certainly don't. i have certainly found that in my own life, a lot of times when i think something is the end of the world, it turns out not to be at all. and that things heal with time. and that while one day the universe and life can seem so overwhelming to me, another day will come at another time that makes me realize that looking back on that overbearing day, it was all part of this grand scheme and mad me stronger and better for some reason or another, or led me to a path i wouldn't have otherwise discovered.

maybe it's just my own way of coping with things, to hope that something comes later in life that makes it all make sense. or maybe it's really true. i don't know. what i do know is i can't find any rhyme or reason for the phone call i received this morning.

i heard my phone vibrate and i was in the other room with Ben, the little boy i'm currently nannying for. i figured the call probably wasn't that important and i'd check the message and get back about it later. well, it was my dad who called and he called to ask me not to email me at work anymore... because he no longer worked there.

when i heard his message and his seemingly positive, strong voice say this on my voicemail, my stomach dropped within seconds.

see, my parents have been on quite a ride the past ten years or so. when i was in college, my dad's company started changing drastically and a lot of business moved to mexico. different people came to be in charge, and the company was entirely different and resulted in the first job loss. and it's been a journey since then. three more jobs, one out in california requiring a move, and one in new jersey requiring him to work from a distance. to avoid all the details, i'll leave it at this: he has been, at no fault of his own, through a career nightmare, and late in his career. and it has not been fair. i think we were all hoping that this job would take him into retirement.

and when i heard that message, i was crushed.

it's not that i don't think he can handle it. in fact, it's quite the opposite. i think if anyone can handle it, my dad can. and i know that when things seem too big for me, or beyond my means of control, my dad is the first person i turn to for that very reason--he knows how to handle things and how to make huge tasks seem small. he's great at keeping things in perspective. that being said, i don't think it would be HUMAN if he wasn't hurt and tired of this whole thing, and that is what kills me the most.

it's hard for me to understand that the same person who taught me to love so openly, so unselfishly... the same guy who has retained my logic for me when i am unable to, at times of personal crisis... the strongest man that i have ever met, with the best outlook on life, is going through this again. it just seems ironic, and i can't make sense of it. in fact, i'm writing right now because i don't know what else to do.

i spoke to my dad earlier, and i didn't know what to say. i asked him, "how are you?" and his response, like no one else's would be, was "Good!" and all i could think was, "Good? really?" i mean, he may have meant it but i will never understand how. but that's just his charm. he'd never accept pity, and that's what gives him strength. many people in this world are quick to say "woe is me" when anything happens, and i don't know where my dad learned this, but he's certainly quite the opposite. and even if he feels that way, you'd never know it and he won't tell you. i can't say i've seen this characteristic in too many people i've met in 28 years. and i've met some great people, and some absolutely positive people, but very few who i could say would be able to say, "hey, i'm okay, and how are you" after a day like that.

let me say one more thing.... i have yet to hear anything from my dad about how hard things are. i love him for that and i hope to be that strong someday.

at the same time, i can't stop thinking of the little things. i can still picture myself at six years old, riding my first Huffy bike, pink and purple, with training wheels, but most importantly, not being afraid because my dad was right there with me, and i fell he'd pick me up. that's what dad's are for.

and that is why i don't think i can make sense of this.

i mean i have been thinking about it all day. i can't stop thinking about it. i just feel so absolutely helpless about it all, and i can't think of anyone in the world i'd rather be able to help. i realize all of the chatter about the bad economy and people being out of a job, but...

i just can't seem to understand why the world doesn't recognize good people anymore. it breaks my heart to picture my dad going through this at almost retirement age, and although i know he has the strength to go to the next step, i just wish i could snap my fingers and get him there.

of course, i can't do that, so i will do what i can to help... which is to help him get his resume out there again, to be a listener when he needs one, to pass along any possible leads, and even more importantly thoughts and prayers until this is all figured out.

and i know it will all be okay, someday. these times aren't easy for anyone. and i know that if anyone can handle it, the strongest guy i know can.

i love you, Dad.