i gave my dad a card that truly fit. the line i liked the best, that i found to be perfect for this point in my life... was one about "even when someone else comes along, you are still in many ways, the number one man in my life." i thought it was fitting. scott is the best, but no one can replace a dad.
anyway, my dad, a few drinks deep started to talk to scott and i about his dad. i could tell it was hard for him to talk about. his dad died when i was about 5 years old. unfortunately, i never knew him too well and i always feel sad about that. at the time, we lived in texas so i wasn't really around much and my memories of him are quite scarce. however, his story lives on through my dad. immediately when my dad talks about his dad, he tells me, and other people "you would have liked him, everyone liked him." i can't help but to picture him just like my own dad.
anyway, i asked him if fathers day is hard once your dad is gone. and he said, every day is hard. he told me that it's especially when he's feeling down, like right now being out of work, that he feels like he wishes he could just have a conversation with his dad. it makes me tear up to even write this, but i want to remember it forever.
he said "he always had a way of calming me down and making me realize it's not that bad." and i said "well you do that for me too, so maybe you picked that up from him."
it's the truth.
i said "dad, i can't imagine. i really can't imagine a time in my life, though i know it will probably come, that i can't pick up the phone and call you guys. i just can not imagine that time at all."
and he goes, and this still makes me tear up to even think about it...
"Amy, i felt the same way about my dad. i thought he'd live forever."
i really can't even replay that in my head without crying. partially because i feel so sad for him that he can't talk to his dad when he's sad, and partially because i feel the exact same way. i know that it's not true, but i really do, in some ways think, my mom and dad will be around forever. i guess it's the only way to think though. you can't dwell on the negative. it's still hard to picture life without my parents around. i can't really do it.
a bit later in the night my dad brought scott and i to the basement. he told us he wanted us to hear something. he played a chet atkins song, called "i still can't say goodbye" and tears formed in his eyes as he listened. my dad's really quite a strong man. i think i've seen him cry 3 times, maybe ever, but this song was so touching and i can understand his relation. the lyrics are below but before you read them, you should know about a story. my dad used to climb on the shelves in his dad's closet and try on his clothes... to try to look like him when he was younger. so those words especially rang true for him. anyway, here are the words to a very touching song:
When I was young, my Dad would say
Come on Son let's go out and play
Sometimes it seems like yesterday
And I'd climb up the closet shelf
When I was all by myself
grab his hat and fix the brim
pretending I was him
No matter how hard I try
No matter how many tears I cry
no matter how many years go by
I still can't say goodbye.
He always took care of mom and me
We all cut down a Christmas tree
He always had some time for me
Wind blows through the trees,
Street lights, they still shine bright
Most things are the same
but I miss my Dad tonight.
I walked by a Salvation Army store
Saw a hat like my daddy wore
Tried it on when I walked in
Still trying to be like him
No matter how hard I try
No matter how many years go by
No matter how many tears I cry
I still can't say goodbye.
-Chet Atkins
of course, watching my dad tear up made me tear up. i just saw how much he missed his dad. my dad very rarely shows weakness, in fact, he always seems very unaffected by life. i know that isn't the truth, but he's not a negative guy and would never complain or let someone know that something is really getting him down. so, it's rare i see him vulnerable. and that was part of it. and part of it was, standing next to my dad, on fathers day, appreciating him and realizing how short life is, and how important it is to remember moments like this one forever. i'm sure it's not easy to lose a parent, but we are so fortunate to have memories. and i never want to forget this one. it was a brief moment, but a powerful one. i'll never forget it.
