life as of lately

my sleep schedule is all messed up. i was on a good track for awhile, not sure what happened. anyways, i have some things on my mind so i felt like the best thing to do... was write. a few weeks ago in class i had to give a "passion speech." the reason my teacher does this, is because she said there was a time in her career path and in her life that she actually forgot what her passion was. she had been working too much. and so, she wanted us to think of that before it's too late.

i thought about it for a long time--and i kept returning to the same thing--writing. and i didn't prepare at all, just got up and spoke. and one of the things that i found came out of my mouth without me even realizing it was that it helps me to sleep at night if a lot is on my mind. it's like talking to someone, except for some reason way more healing. it's like i'm able to drive myself crazy by thinking in circles, but if i get it all out on paper, somehow it seems to make more sense and i can relax. i don't know... but anyways, that's what i'm up to right now. trying to get some clarity of sorts.

let's see--news, my best friend anne had her baby on feb 2. her name is ava maddison and she is so adorable. i'm so happy for her. i can't wait to meet the little girl--i haven't been able to get out to naperville yet because my car needs to be repaired (got hit by a drunk driver, luckily i was okay), and it's hard to get back and forth with school at night. but i can't wait to meet the little girl. she's sooo cute.

in my life i'm still going crazy with the job search. i had a couple of what i thought were awesome interviews, and then they hired someone else. i forgot about how taxing the job search is... because after a good interview, even though i try my best not to promise myself anything, i sort of get my hopes up. and then you get that call, or actually it's usually an email, after waiting a week hoping they pick you--and they found someone else. and then it's back to sending out the resumes and hoping for an interview. it's just so frustrating--it's kind of hard to keep your head up. i know that it's what i need in my life though because i'm driving myself crazy having too much time on my hands. i think i enjoyed it for awhile, but with all of my friends and family being so busy, it's not that fun to be home by myself all of the time. i miss being productive. i've tried to replace it with other things--but the reality is, i really really want to work again. school keeps me busy, but not busy enough. so, i'm trying to keep my head up and keep going with this job search thing. i know i'll find the right one, it's just a waiting game. i know in the end it will be better because i was not happy at loyola. i was dragging myself to work. it took hindsight for me to realize that, but seriously i am so glad i didn't get stuck there. i just need to find something else, something i love.

but, the process, i have to admit, is really getting me down at times.

this may sound kind of crazy i guess, but i just sort of feel "behind" for the first time in my life. it's hard for me, because i was always the one that got the good grades, i got a great first job right out of college, moved to the city... had a paid off car. for awhile there i was really living the life for being young. and now it's like, and i know i shouldn't compare myself to other people but i guess you can't help it, my friends are married and having kids, with stable, awesome jobs. their life is just moving forward and i kind of feel like i'm missing out. i just don't want to wake up and be 40 i guess. i know that's super pessimistic, but that's how i've kinda been thinking as of lately.

man, i haven't cried about this yet but i have to admit i just started tearing up writing this. i guess because i just faced something i've been trying my hardest to put on the back burner. but, the words just came out of my mouth.

i know all of this can be solved and i know i can get back to being successful... but this time is hard. i just feel really behind, and i guess like i'm wasting my time. i live in this awesome city but a lot of times i feel so alone because my friends are all so busy... working, dating, going to school, whatever. and i'm just kind of sitting here watching it happen.

i hate to focus on this--but just to put things in perspective--in a week i literally got two job rejections that i really thought i had a good chance at, i got in a pretty bad car accident and my car's messed up, i found out that i got accepted into a study abroad program but they need a activity fee that i just can't afford right now, the boy i like and want to see lives across the country... and there's a lot of things i think about every day that i can't even begin to understand regarding my personal life. it just seems to all be happening at once.

i miss when i was so happy with my life. i need to get that back.

i know that i need to be proactive, and i can't let myself just stay in this slump. it's affecting areas of my life that i don't want it to. i don't say a lot sometimes because i don't want to hear it myself, but also because i don't want to bring other people down with issues that i ultimately have to handle myself. let's just say i can't wait until its months from now or a year from now or whatever and i can look back on this post and go "thank god i don't feel that way anymore."

there are much more important things to focus on right now--my best friend just had a baby, one of my other best friends just got engaged and asked me to stand up in her wedding, i have awesome parents and friends and i have so many people to depend on if i ever need a hand. i know that's how i need to be thinking. and believe me, i do know how lucky i am. i really do. all of this will fall into place, i know i can handle it!

anyways, i feel better... goodnight.