Monday, October 31, 2005

a late night halloween realization

3:30 a.m. i just woke up. i guess, happy halloween! ha. i just had a dream though so i felt like writing. because i woke up and i wasn't even in a daze. it's weird, i was like awake and started thinking. and i just went to bed at 11, so i really don't understand why... but that's alright.

it is kind of funny how things end up. i think about all of the people i've met in my lifetime... and allowed myself to become, at some point or another, close to. a lot of times that was setting myeslf up for disaster. but it's like, when i was younger and i guess in more social settings, i didn't really care. it was almost like i could have complete disrespect for somebody, and still call them a friend. that has, since college, all changed.

i realize now that i can't enjoy someones company if i don't respect their lifestyle. by that i don't mean that they need to be just like me, but i think you have to have a certain amount of respect for yourself, and respect for other be respected. a lot of people that i used to call friends don't fall into this category, and i've noticed the distance since college. and the weirdest part? it feels so healthy.

i'm not saying i'm perfect. i am most certainly not. i have made a lot, and i mean a lot of mistakes in my lifetime. i have a lot of regrets. but i think i have learned from them, and i think that i can say with a pretty decent amount of validity that i treat my friends with the same respect that i feel for them. and people who don't do that in return...well, i don't need them.

i know certain people are evil. i know some people just do not seem to care if they hurt you or not. i've realized all of this. i've had plenty of friends through the years, come and gone because they were out for themselves and themselves only, and honestly did not care if they hurt anyone along the way. i was not built that way. i don't understand it. but i have realized that is how it is, and now, at almost 24, i've surrounded myself with people whom i have mutual respect for. this natural selection process so to say, has cut out a lot of the drama in my life, a lot of the guilt i used to feel for being gossipy, either first or second hand, and a lot of the paranoia i used to feel hanging around people that i knew would hurt me, had they had the chance. everyone in my daily life right now is a positive, and it feels very healthy.

wow, that was a lot to write at almost 4 am.
well, happy halloween. goodnight.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


i think this is actually the first time i'm writing on here because i'm bored. usually it's because i think of something, and want to write about it... today, just bored.

had a really good weekend. i went to see matt nathanson and matt wertz at the house of blues. it was a lot of fun. saturday night i went out downtown naperville with christine and her roommate. we had a good time.

been fairly unproductive today. i just kinda laid around. i just took a shower for the day... i'm just kinda feeling like not really doing anything, although i might rent a movie later on. i always get kinda sad on sundays because i know i have to go to work the next day... i mean i like my job, but after 2 days off, another wouldn't be too bad. oh well, such is growing up.

i think i realized i'm getting a little too old to be going to concerts. seriously i don't know what it is, but both this concert and the jason mraz one, janna and i were like the oldest people there. i don't know if it's because we like starting artists, so by the time they catch on the whole high school crowd is there, or because we're just....getting older. it's crazy though, now i realize how YOUNG i was when i used to go to all those concerts in chicago. i actually understand my parents concern now about me riding the train back at midnight... we were so young... but felt so old. it's totally crazy how when you're a kid you have no concept of being an adult. like i seriously was annoyed and could not understand, in my wildest dreams, what the big deal was for me to ride a train downtown at night with my friends. haha. looking back, i'm totally freaked out by it, and glad we made it out safe. being a kid was great. i miss it sometimes. just sometimes though.

i do not feel 24. i will be 24 in less than a month. i do not feel that old. yikes.

time in the adult world really goes quick. i can not believe i've been at my job for almost 6 months. actually, it's 6 months on wednesday i think... crazy. and a YEAR since i graduated college? are you kidding me? fastest year of my life. literally! it went so fast.

i'm happy where i'm at though. i just don't want to get old. but i guess, that's sort of inevitable. sorry, this post is really weird. i'll stop before it gets weirder.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

four in the morning.

so it's four am. this is the first time i've been up at this time on a work night in a really long time. actually, maybe even the first time ever since i started my job. i don't know what my deal is. i went to sleep at 10, woke up at 3 and i can't stop thinking long enough to get back to sleep. i've been a little anxious all day. it happens sometimes. ugh.

the thing is, i have a really bad habit of freaking myself out about things i shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. and i have one of those minds, unfortunately, that once it gets going, does not stop. so here i am, 4 am, tossing and turning when i know very well i have to be up at 6:30 over things that i really need to quit thinking about.

i'm really freaked out about this whole youth thing being over. i guess i feel like i missed out on some stuff. like, i know i have great friends and family, and i had fun in school and all of that, but it scares me that you can't go back to being 16. i guess i have this image in my head of what being 16, and 17, 18, 19, 20, 21... is all about. and i just don't know if i did things right. i know that's a pointless thing to even spend time thinking about, but for whatever reason, i think about it a lot. and i tell myself "you can't go back." and i know all of that. but there is still something that i just feel like i messed up on.

when i was younger i feel like i never worried about anything. now, that may just be because the things i worried about seem stupid now, but seriously, now i'm worried about something ALL the time... i hate it. i wish i didn't think so hard. i really do. i seriously can not relax. it sucks.i'm way too hard on myself.

i wish i had a lot of answers about things. i'm scared one day i'm going to be old looking back on my life and wish i'd done things differently. i'm also scared i might never get old. i don't know. i have problems. i wish i had some more solutions.

sorry for such a depressing post. just needed to put all of this somewhere instead of tossing and turning... seriously, i felt like i was going insane. i feel a little better now. hopefully, tomorrow's a new day. hopefully, the next post is way more optimistic.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

statements of truth

i feel so disconnected from you these days that i feel like you could die and i wouldn't know in time. i wouldn't be on the list of people to call. but it still feels like yesterday, if that makes sense. time has gotten in the way.

i can not stand when people can not stand themselves to the point that it makes them rip others apart. i can see through these people. i can tell when their own insecurities make them evil and emotionally uncareful.

i read my old journals and realized that i've always been fragile and i've always been strong. both at the same time. they seem like two contradictory things to be, right? and maybe that's why i write. to untangle the two.

i think dying is the scariest thing in the world. i wish it didn't happen... to anybody.

i'm truthfully not jealous of anyones life--not anyone gorgeous, not anyone famous, not anyone rich, not anyone appearingly perfect. my life in it's own way, has been a challenge. it makes the good better, it makes the bad easier.

i enjoy life.
i'm glad to be here.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

life in slow motion

on the new david gray cd my favorite track is this one that just repeats itself. really, there are like 7 lines and it just repeats in different melodies that for some reason i just love. i don't know what it is. and i've been really confused by it so i've been trying to figure it out. see usually i like songs solely based on lyrical originality, so this is confusing to me why i like this song best... anyway... before i go on, the song is called "Slow Motion" and these are the words:

While I was watching you did a slow dissolve
While I was watching you did a slow dissolve
While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes
Did I imagine they held us hypnotized
Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes

Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real
Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real
Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real

Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands
Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands
Snowflakes are falling now you’re my long lost friend

seems pretty simple right...okay but nothing david gray writes is really simple! so i think i figured it
out today finally...not the song, but i think i figured out why i like it.

you know, in life, when something happens to you, and it's so impacting in some way, either because it's so incredible, or so perfect, or so sad, or just unbelievable, that life seems to sort of stand still for a minute? it's the kind of thing where you're like... "this could not be real. this could not be really happening. somebody, please, wake me up." well, that's what i think he means by life in slow motion. sometimes things seem to move a little slower and i think it's because we're trying to, to the best of our human ability, capture it and hold on to it, just a few moments longer. u know i have had a few of those moments, in fact, i kind of wish i'd had more. they're magical. but now i'm still not exactly sure what this song is about, but i did come up with that today in the car. haha, maybe i'm just crazy. but it is 1 am and i need to be up in 5 hours. so... goodnight.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

completely content

you ever have one of those moments when you just realize you're completely content with everything around you? i mean, everything, down to the music, your peripheral vision, your company, background noise, weather, the whole scenerio. i love that. when you just think for a second... life is really something else.

it can amaze me sometimes. how easy it is to get upset over petty little things when in fact there are times like that and you just kinda see your life in front of you and think "none of that really matters." strange how the smallest of things can and do feel so heavy sometimes. but life always goes on... and the little problems just seem to get littler with time.

i'm so unbelievably happy lately. i mean seriously, sincerely happy. i have somehow landed a great job with a great, understanding, and patient boss. i am finally back in my hometown, living at home... which a lot of people mind. i don't. for a couple of reasons. one, because i'm literally never here. i come home, eat dinner, talk online, and go to sleep to get up for work again. two, i really enjoy my room. and three, most importantly i think, i have seriously developed a friendship with my parents. they trust me, they let me do what i want to do, and they take care of me. it's really not all that bad. i mean, i lived on my own for 4.5 years, it's not all so bad to come home to someone who cooks you dinner... for the time being anyways.

in the back of my mind too, somber as this may sound, i kinda feel like why not live at home now... i mean my parents are getting older you know, and once i move out, i move out. why not spend another year in close quarters with them? why not hang on to youth a little longer? i guess i'm kind of scared to leave them... because in a way, that's it.

i mean i feel the whole independence thing, you know. i want to get out and be on my own. just not immediately. i feel like i have the rest of my life to do that, and if things are pretty good here and i'm saving a bunch of money, really, what's the rush? i enjoy naperville. i maybe do\n't love the hour - hour and a half drive to work - but i really enjoy my living situation.

aside from all of those things i have future goals to go to graduate school at loyola, which is an incredible deal in itself (because its free). i don't know when but i know i want it to happen, and that's enough for me. no need to rush things. i'm happy. really. i love my friends.i love that i've realized at age 23 who i'll know for the rest of my life, who the real friends are... i love my family. i love the people that i know, i love that i really have gotten to really know myself and understand who i am, and i really like my adult lifestyle. sounds silly maybe but i'm completley at peace in my surroundings...

it's not all so bad after college :)
i mean, i still miss our apartment, but 10 months after graduation i can say... i'm happy.