Wednesday, August 31, 2005


"Was trying to find me something but I wasn't sure just what
Funny how they say that some things never change"

seriously... i don't know what it is with me being in a car and having the windows down and the sunroof open, with music, that just moves me to this place where music hits me that much harder... but i was doing this last night...on the way home from the mall. and it was a perfect night, seventy and breezy, no humidity for miles...and something about the sky being visable while music is playing i guess, i don't know... anyway, this line particularly hit me and i thought - need to remember to write about that tomorrow. so here i am.

feels like i'm always searching, you know.. .and ryan pins it perfectly because i'm never sure what i'm looking for. so you wonder how you know when you'll find it. i don't even mean just like finding the person you want to marry either, but finding your place, your niche... all that good stuff. does it just set in one day... who knows.

oh my sweet carolina... what compels me to go...
oh my sweet disposition....may you one day carry me home

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


i know that the reason i wear my grandmother's perfume isn't because i like the smell...but because i didn't cry enough when she died. i know that i hold on to fictional nothings because i'm so entirely scared of being by myself forever. i know that the reason i stay up so late at night is because i can't accept that i'm not perfect. i know that there are a lot of things i probably should have let go of years ago that i still can't let go of. i know that i frame pictures so that i don't forget that people love me. i know that i will not be okay for a long time after my parents pass away. i know that in my life, i have certainly overreacted to some situations that i will never be humble enough to apologize for. i know that right now i think i've corrected myself but in ten years i'll think i was stupid right now. i think that when i get everything right, it will be too late to use it.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

moments that changed me

i've had this idea for the past few days, because i'm thinking about all these life altering moments that made me ultimately who i am today... and i figured, why not list them? why not put them down? so here goes nothing.

olive garden, 1990, dallas, texas. the table gets awkwardly silent all too quickly after my brother mutters the words, "so what if we do move to chicago?" and prior to this i had no idea. i thought that the rest of my 10-year old career would continue on good old 2028 robin hill lane, i thought i'd perfect my skills as a swimmer, grow old with my next door neighbor and childhood best friend jen. all of that changed at that very moment. my dad got a promotion...and we were moving to chicago.

woodstock illinois, 2000. it's our senior year logos retreat for my high school. the room is dark and i'm surrounded by about 50 of my graduating class peers whom prior to this trip, most were strangers. candles are lit up front and a voice starts to read a letter, "dear amy..." a letter from my dad exemplifying his pride in me, but even more measurable, his sadness to see me go. a letter that has, to this day, never left my mind even for an hour of the day.

rachelle's house, 2000. me and my best friends are sitting in a garage over bud light bottles and cigarette smoke. the following morning, anne was leaving for college. we'd spent the past days, weeks even, dreading this very moment, when the first person had to leave this town we'd all grown to know and love, and our lives would be forever different. we cried, we told, we exchanged sad sillent moments until the sun rose.

august 2000. my parents are dropping me off at college. we arrive early, bring up loads of things, meet my new roommate, and take a walk around the campus. i remember asking if i would ever know my way around there, and if purdue west was in walking distance (which it most certainly was). afterwards, we have dinner, and we pull up to merideth hall, my home for the next year. i knew i had to go in. mixed feelings--excitement for a new place, sadness for leaving the old one and my parents. i acted excited, but i was hiding something. i was scared. the last thing i said to them was "i can't wait to meet new people." complete lie. i hugged my parents goodbye, both of them crying, i fought my tears and put on a front of excitedness and happiness. i turned around and walking back i cried the hardest i've ever cried in my life. that whole night.

room 2-1 in the alpha gamma delta house, purdue university, 2003. my dad's been unemployed for a year and is starting to get down on himself some. i get a phone call while im sitting at my desk telling me he's accepted a job and my parents will be moving to california. i cried for 3 straight hours. not because i would be going, not because i would have to change schools, but because the house i grew up in was going to be someone else's and my parents were going to be 2000 miles away.

dining room, alpha gamma delta, january 2004. it's annual recruitment. but it's our senior year. for the past 3 years i've watched people sit on the stairs and cry with their pledge class, each year, understanding a little bit more about why. now it's our year. i read a letter that i wrote about the last 3 years of my life. prior to this, never realizing the importance. but the combination of expressing everything i felt about the past three years as well as being surrounded by what i knew to be my best friends, while waving goodbye to something so fulfilling and welcoming... well, it was hard.

december 2004. a short moment. sitting in the car with my dad while he's about to drive me back to purdue because i'd just been in a really serious car accident and no longer had a car. he expresses his concerns to me and actually uses the phrase, "you are my life." i can still hear how it sounds.

december 2004. picking up the last things i had in apartment 8 on 305 n salisbury. i had just graduated college. my roommates were all gone. we'd spent the last night drinking 25 cent beers, crying, and eating delivery mexican food and drinking boxed wine after the bars. we spent the last week knowing we had to go. i grabbed my bag, i headed for my car, looked one more time over the now empty apartment, seemed impossible it was over, shut the door, locked the door and headed on my way. i dropped off our apartment keys wtih tears in my eyes. got into my car and knew that the minute i ramped on to that highway 65 my life would be completely changed as i knew it. purdue would be completely changed as i knew it. this chapter was over. bittersweet cause though i knew my friendships with my roomates would last a lifetime, a sadness because our college lifestyle, our four years, was up. be continued.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

a different sort of survey

sorry. nothing to write about lately--at all. i guess that's good, it means nothings wrong. it's weird, sometimes my thoughts are turned on, sometimes completely off. anyways, found this fun blog today:

she had a survey on there and, for lack-of-posting-lately reasons, i decided to fill it out on here.

1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what’s the first thing you look at?
my hair also, to see if it's being normal for the day or not. and to see if a ponytail is necessary.

2.How much cash do you have on you?
six dollars

3.What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?
probably zest, like the soap

4.Favorite plants?
oh okay, i'm just learning about plants. just bought some calililies for my room. i have no idea if that is how you spell that. remember i'm just learning?

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
haha, the party planning lady for anne's bachelorette party. random.

6.What is your main ring tone on your phone?
i leave it on vibrate, but seriously cingular has the weirdest rings. i have to put it on "cingular tone" or whatever that one is called because everything else is SOOOO weird.

7.What shirt are you currently wearing?
a brown sleeveless one. and i brought a white jacket, even though it's auguest, because the a/c at work is usually around 60 degrees.

8.Do you “label” yourself?
no i don't think so. i really don't care. i'm me. i mean, i know what i am, i know what i'm not. but i don't specifically label myself.

9.Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
steve madden

10.Bright or Dark Room?
dark for sure. my eyes are getting older. i can tell.

11.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
well i really don't know them (got it off a random blog) but their answers are pretty fun.

12.Ever “spilled the beans”?
yeah, of course.

13.What were you doing at midnight last night?
sleeping. every night i try to watch letterman, and occasionally oprah (which replays at 11 in chicago) but i fell asleep on the couch last night. then i woke up and wandered to my room, probably around midnight actually. it's kind of creepy because i barely remember it.

14.What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"thanks for the great birthday surprise!" - chrsitine mattera (her birthday is 12/13)

15.Do you ever click on “Pop Ups” or Banners?
NO WAY. i get so mad at them.

16.What’s a saying that you say a lot?
"you love it."
"oh yeah!"
"worth it"

17.Who told you they loved you last?
my mom and dad last night.

18.Last furry thing you touched?
have to think about this. probably christine's cats.

19.How many hours a week do you work?

20.How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
i usually get them developed right away. i have some cameras that are like 1/2 used. but i guess those don't count.

21.Favorite age you have been so far?
ummm favorite age is probably like 19 or 20. i had some great years.

22.Your worst enemy?
i don't really know. there's some people i no longer respect, but i don't think i'd call them enemies.

23. What is your current desk top picture?
orange background with a white picture with cherries. really into fruit pictures lately. haha

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"i think i pulled a muscle in my back but i have no idea how."

25.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time to fix all of your mistakes, which would you pick?
a million dollars. i have mistakes, but nothing major that would be worth a million dollars to fix. plus i think a million dollars could fix my life a lot better right now than cleaning up my mistakes could. :)
so until i have some inspiration... there you go