Tuesday, November 30, 2004

364 days until i need a whole box of candles

i was thinking today about birthdays, for a few reasons: one being that my birthday just passed, and two being that it was a particularly memorable one, maybe the most memorable one for me so far...

and i'm like anyone else with birthdays, i can get pretty selfish. i want a celebration, and i want presents. i'm being honest. admit it, you're like that too. everyone is.

and this year, the day after my birthday, i took a few steps back and i thought "wow, i know a lot of really great people." i can't explain the gratitude i have for the past week of my life. for my surprise party at school, for my friends at home all planning a surprise, for the extreme amount of phone calls and emails i received on sunday, for the gifts and cards i received...

and in taking few steps back i felt ashamed for expecting so much on my birthday... you know? i wanted that party, i half-expected all of those phone calls... in fact, i would have been upset if i didn't get them.

there's nothing right about that.

and so today, 364 days until i use up an entire box of candles, the day after my 23rd birthday, my first day without medical insurance, 2 1/2 weeks from graduating college, 3 days after a serious car accident, i've realized, through the awe of the people who made this past week unbelievable for me, that i should really stop expecting things like this. i'm so lucky to have them.

my dad actually said this phrase to me in the car yesterday,

"You are my life."

seems kinda right out of a hallmark movie or something, doesn't it? i mean, i really have that. my dad actually said that. i told anne today, and she told me "you're so lucky to have such a great dad." i said, "yeah, i know" and that's when i started to think...

who could really ask for anything else? what else could you even need?

so, in my first post as a 23 year old, thank you to everyone who made my birthday, and way beyond my birthday, my time here, my life, every moment, great.

Monday, November 22, 2004

chapter six

if you know me or even if you just check out this page every once in awhile, i'm about to tell you something you already know: i don't do real well with change.

and i was thinking about this today because it's not like changes in my life just sort of sneak up on me--i am so aware that they are coming at all times, and i act and think according to these psuedo deadlines that i know, are going to really throw me off for awhile...

it never seems real. it always seems like you can hang on. for a little longer.

i always think of that line at the end of ferris bueller

"life moves pretty fast--if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you could miss it. "

exaggeration maybe, but not rediculously. it takes a long time to pick up and move on when familiarities vanish and priorities change. it's really hard to understand.

thus far in my life, i think of change in terms of either geographically moving or moving on to a new part of school (graduating 8th grade, graduating high school, and now, college). and it's strange because at the end of each of these so called, "chapters" of my life, i always see no hope. i always think the best part has ended.

and it's because it's all relative, we live in the here and now, we feel whats true now, we hold on to what we have, we are absolutely scared of moving forward...

but although in each of those scenerios (moving to chicago, transfering schools, going to high school, going away to college...) i have found that, each new chapter really exceeded the previous ones. so all in all, while i thought something was ending, something more important was really beginning.

so i can't help but be sad of course, when i pack my bags in a few weeks here and wave off a really significant part of my life, being here at school, knowing that, once i step foot off of this campus this december, it really never will be the same... and i think about this, but then, i force myself to think about the fact that, yes, i'm leaving a lot when i leave here, but i have gained so much more. i have so much more love in my life, so much more happiness, so much more greatness from the people that i know, so many new lessons, so much more strength, among other things, that i didn't have when i came here as an 18 year old.

and like i said, so far, each chapter has gotten better...

whos to say that pattern won't continue? i think it will.

the least important thing i am leaving purdue with is a degree, in my opinion. i have formed a strong understanding of the person that i have become, and i have grown to love that person. i have linked myself with people that i undoubtedly know i met for a reason in my lifetime, i will have these things forever...

it's almost wrong to sit around and pity myself for the fact that i have to leave--

because, i am leaving with so much more than i came with...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

from konah

konah has this on her AIM profile, i like it:

Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

thanks kones

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

testing, testing 1....2....3

sometimes i feel like the world is like amy--here's a test. i'm going to throw a lot of things at you at once and just watch how you handle it...

because i can't find any other explanation as to why all of these stupid things happen to me. and that they would happen at once.

so let me just say--when i feel threatened for whatever reason, i tend to run. and i'm okay with that because i think it's a lot better than being a bitch. it's not that i'm not opinionated or strong, because i am both of those things... i guess i just don't see any priority in making a big deal of things that in the long run, don't matter.

see i'm thinking about it in terms of my family--because my family has seen both worlds. my brother and i have been your typical teenage spoiled brats with a great dad with a great job, and we've both become your gratetful-for-everthing-we've-gotten-in-my-lives grown up kids with a great dad with no job.

i'm grateful for that because it makes me appreciative of things and it puts things in perspective. it makes me realize what matters.

and for a long time i didn't realize all of that and i regret it more than anything. i couldn't tell you the amount of times that i made things trivial that weren't at all... i'm ashamed of it.

but you know i'm happy that i can admit my faults now. a lot of people still can't do that. i'm happy i can look back and say "i was stupid but at least i learned." a lot of people can't do that either.

i'm well aware of the fact that life is this way. i don't want pity for anything that happens in my life anymore. i mean, i may want someone to listen once in awhile, but i don't want them to feel bad for me. theres's a difference. trust me, no one wants to feel bad for anybody that is asking for someone to feel bad for them.

but i guess, all and all after this rant... my point is that...

in my old age, i have come to discover that life is just too damn short. cliched as it may be, it's absolutely true. we spend too much time worrying about things that don't matter, and too little time caring about people that matter more than we know.

and in an instance, your life as you know it can be taken away from you. remember that. we have no contracts. we have no guarantees.

now do you want it to be too late when you realize that?

because you can start to realize it right now.

Monday, November 01, 2004

affording the void

the older i get i start to realize the connections i have made with people in my lifetime, those that will last, those that will probably fade, and those that will change, but will still be okay...

and there's like this comfort around the fact that for the most part, people don't change a whole lot. and because of that you can usually tell a real friendship because you can pick up right where you left off. i've tried my entire life to figure out if i really believe that--because it reminds me of one of those like cliched friendship quotes that everyone just kind of abides by and puts in their best friends scrapbook--but i really do.

i truly believe that any real relationships people have will withstand anything and at the end of the day, the relationship is still very present, even if it went unnoticed for awhile. people don't stop caring about each other--that's the thing. life just gets busy sometimes. and if you can pick up right where you left off, then it's okay for life to get busy sometimes. and you have to let it. it's all part of the game of balance that we all play.

it's similar to that notion of a comfortable silence...that you know when you have formed a real relationship with someone because you can sit in silence but it isn't awkard at all... it's because you can afford the void, the same way you can with losing touch for awhile. if you know someone and have enough trust in them, you know things will be ok at the end of the void. and so, that void is, in a way, welcomed.

i was filling out this thing today and one of the questions was "what is the best feeling in the world?" and i thought about it for a really long time because i assumed typical answer would be love and i just thought i could do better than that. anyway, interesting--what i came up with was appreciation. interesting. but really, what is better than feeling appreciated? that's what complements are all about and complements are what makes us feel good right? i mean is there a better thing in the world than knowing exactly how important you are to someone? i think that's what keeps us going, in a way.

just somethings to think about
pretty random post
it's late