Thursday, January 10, 2008

on humanity

i've been babysitting all week, and like my last post sort of mentioned, i've been a little down. several times it has crossed my mind "wouldn't it be nice to be three again?" i literally watch these kids whos day consists of playing, being cooked for, taken care of, and okay, occasionally corrected but still... their life is as simple as it's ever going to be--and they have no idea.

well today i realized when neala stuck her hand in an umbrella and pinched it, pretty bad. i mean i would have probably been tearing up, and shes three... and you know what she wanted? a bandaid, and for me to hold her on the couch. "i want amy on the couch, i want amy to hold me on the couch. i'm all better." and this may be a little "grey's anatomy type writing" but i thought for a second... maybe kids and adults aren't so different.

my point is this: we all explore things, take the chance of getting hurt, and then once we do, all we want at the end of the day is somebody to hold us and make us "all better." maybe that is one thing that doesn't change, from 3 to 30 to 60 to 100. we all just want to feel loved when we're hurt.

2008 update

the visit was awesome. we had so much fun, and i think we met a new comfort level which was a lot of fun too. the first visit was a lot of figuring each other out, this visit was a lot more relaxed, teasing each other, that kind of thing. it's always refreshing to know that you can let your guard down and just totally be yourself.

new years was great. we really didn't do much which was exactly what i wanted. i kind of feel like when you are with someone you care about, it doesn't matter what you do. originally i thought we needed plans, and then i realized, it's just another night. what did we do? we went to buffalo wild wings, played trivia, ate boneless wings, drank blue moon, and went back to my apartment to watch the countdowns and bring in the new year. haha. i loved it, it was laid back, and perfect, and it was us.

we did a lot of other fun things, too bad it was freezing so it wasn't easy to do much. the warm weather came this week, go figure, but we made the best of it. dean got to go eat all of his favorite missed chicago foods, and i got to introduce him to cafe iberico! and wildfire to meet the parents, which went really well. they really liked him, even my dad who is protective, so, that was impressive. i knew they would, but still. the visit was great. i couldn't imagine a better new years.

of course, the airport is never easy. it comes to that airport day and i wake up in the morning knowing, this is going to be a hard day... and then it is. we try to avoid it during lunch, but then it comes time that i have to drop him off, and it sucks. i've been trying to see it in a new light - think how much fun we had instead of - who knows when i'll see you next. but it's always hard to be that positive when you've had an awesome week with someone who's going to fly back across the country, for a few months probably. but, we said goodbye, and i really thought i was going to be stronger this time. nope, i cried the whole ride home. but, i guess a combination of a happy and a sad cry. certain songs still make me tear up, but it's just because i wish he was here. anyways...all in all, i couldn't ask for a person who respects me more and treats me better. he's really such a gentleman, and so much fun, and we have a blast together. i'm so grateful to have him in my life and that i had him in chicago to bring in 2008.

other updates, i haven't really been myself lately and i really noticed it because of my relationships. i started to kind of let go of things and people i care a lot about, or make irrational decisions/arguments, and not really know what to attribute them to. well, i think a combination of people made me realize (not by telling me, but by talking to me) that somethings missing in my life. like, there is some part of me that is not completely satisified and it's affecting the way i treat others and the way i think about myself. so, i've been trying to combat that. going to bed earlier, applying for more jobs, going on interviews, and just trying to occupy my time more, whether that means getting out in the morning and going for a run, or just waking up and doing laundry, just doing something with my day. it's amazing how much better i feel about myself when i'm productive. it's something i never realized when i was working because i was overworking myself, so i didn't have any "me" time. now i have too much of it. i've always been a deep thinker, and i guess i need to limit my "thinking" time to keep myself sane. if i think about something long enough, i can turn almost anything into a disaster. and that is the last thing i want.

i have so much going for me right now, i just need to get back on the ball. when i was working 50 hours a week, babysitting 10, and going to school 6, sure, i was tired, but i was satisified. at the end of the day, all i wanted to do was sleep, but i slept well because i knew that i really got things done and i was moving forward with my career and my education and that felt good. sure, at times i felt like i was paying rent just to "sleep here" and i didn't feel like i had time to get together with friends for dinner and stuff like that, and that gets tough too. but lately, i've really let myself slip into this comfortable do what you want all day sort of attitude... and i've really gotten way too comfortable with it to be honest. i miss being more motivated, and having a really detailed to-do list. and goals. lots of goals. some that i knew would take me ten years, but i knew i would do them, and some that would get done by the end of the week. i've always been a really motivated person and i'm not sure what happened to me as of lately.

christmas break really made me realize it because the kids were out of town, and my school is on break, and all of the sudden i had NOTHING to do. it was like, i never thought i'd be this way at 26. i always saw myself as an overachiever, because i always was, and i've almost turned into the opposite. i'm not beating myself up yet, it's only been like 3 months without a job, but i know what i need to do and that is to get back on track. occupy my day. it might take me a little bit to find a job, but i can find other things to do. i need to get out, figure out what i want in life and i need to go get it. because it's not fair to me and my potential not to do so, and it's not fair to the people in my life that i'm ending up taking this lack of self-satisfaction out on. i'm just happy i've placed the problem. now it's time to go do something about it. will update. happy new year :)