Always Midnight

Are you blind?
Can't you see me standing here,
waiting in line for you?

Are you mine?
Not just when you want to be,
All of the time.
Are you?

Are you blind?
Don't you see me standing here?
Won't you tell me what it is I'm waiting to find?

with you,
It's always midnight...

fitting words

i love this quote by adam duritz. i read it every time i'm in any sort of a rut. it makes so much sense to me.

"Things only end, after all, because they once began, so maybe all these endings are just the last things that happen before something else begins. Maybe you even come to an end so that you can simply step back and take a clearer look, then see a better way to begin again. There are things I wish I could begin again. "-Adam Duritz

butterflies

i can think of few moments in my life that have given me actual butterflies--so cliche, i know. it's a strange word for it and actually a strange concept in general.

a combination of nervousness and excitement that makes your stomach flip. hmm, butteflies.

i'm on the bus right now headed to columbus to visit Brandy. the last week or so has been sort of a whirlwind of emotions for me. i'll spare the details, because it's not that important to list them--but it's kind of crazy how things can all come at once sometimes.

i'm excited to leave town. as much as i love chicago, but sometimes everyone needs to step out and get a breath of fresh and unfamiliar air.

i booked this trip in early july. and in the past week i've spoken to someone who was close to me that i've kind of spent the last two months or so guarding myself from. and guess who's moving this weekend... to cincinnati. i swear all of this stuff is sometimes a little too coincidental for a girl who puts so much thought into the possibility of fate.

i finally got what i'd been looking for since february or so--an admission of truth and feelings.

i think you are one of the most amazing people i've ever met and i don't want to lose you from my life.

Finally.
Thank You.

THERE is the person i've spent all of this time missing. i knew i didn't imagine him. and hey--sometimes, you don't realize what you are missing until it's not yours anymore.

we talked about things. REAL things. for the first time in months. a real conversation that finally got past hello and how are you. i can't even explain how refreshing it was.

you know, from the outside persepctive, i totally understand why everyone was telling me to just let it go. but the truth is - i never could. and i tried. my God did i try.

it just never worked.

i'm not good at forgetting about people, cutting them off. i'm just not built that way. my heart makes the decisions.

ironically as i've been writing this the songs on my ipod that played randomly are "Comfortable" by John Mayer and "Lose You" by Pete Yorn. combine those songs messages--and well, that explains the butterflies.

a combination of remembering and feeling once again something so comfortable... being wary at the same time, missing things but looking out for what i know is a very fragile heart.

but still fearing the possible loss of something i know once made me so happy. something i've never felt until that.

a mix of emotions.
butterflies.

you know, my parents never fought much when we were young. in fact, i only remember one real "fight." i specifically remember being confused because my mom was reading in the guest room. and well, we never used that room. being young and confused about it (and knowing WAY too many people with divorced parents) i remember asking my mom why they didn't just get divorced.

i remember that all she said was:

"I'm in love with your father Amy, even when it's not perfect."

it was a hard thing for a little girl to understand her mom saying over tears. but i get it now.

and on a bus, to columbus, over some really good music and a few tears, i'm saying the same thing to myself.