finding my "niche"

so over the past 3 weeks i've done a lot, and i mean a LOT of thinking. it started off with sending out hundreds of resumes, and getting frustrated with phone calls of BS job/interview offers, getting my hopes up for a career that sounds perfect and not hearing back, etc.

and then one night i was sitting in class and i realized something... how much i love class. how much i have loved my classes since i started my program at loyola, and how much more i looked forward to school than work. i've always loved school, but i mean, i leave these classes thinking about them for days. they inspire me.

and then in my marketing class we had a guest speaker--and she was an entrepreneur, that (get this) made chocolates from natural ingredients inspired by her world travels. it's this totally crazy concept, but i'm sitting here looking at this girl who is like 30, and completely successful because she followed her heart and didn't care what everyone else defined "success" as and just totally went on a limb and followed her heart. she started making chocolates in her apartment, and now charges $40.00 a box. i'm not saying i want to make chocolates... but

i've made the decision to go to school full time. i think it's what makes me truly happy, and i think until i graduate i'll be accepting jobs that i just think are "okay." and i think i deserve more than that. i've learned about working in the real world, dealing with difficult people, and falling asleep at my desk because i just didn't love what i was doing anymore. i'm done with that. i want to love my job, and i want to love it as soon as possible.

i'm going to nanny full time to pay for my apartment (and my life) and go to school 4 nights a week. i signed up for my classes this week. of course this was a little easier to decide when my classes were paid for, but student loans aren't the end of the world. education is an investment. it's not like i'm buying a porsche. :)

i'm happy with my decision, and i'm really kinda following my heart without thinking too hard about it. hopefully, that turns out to be the right decision.

the best part about it is, i really got out of the rut i was in. i spent about a week feeling bad for myself after i lost my job, and i guess a little ashamed... and one day i was on my way to class and i just thought "this is what makes me happy, productivity. and you know what isn't productive? feeling sorry for yourself." so, i quit that right then and there. and i made myself busy, updating resumes, spending time reading, taking up more babysitting opportunites, and hanging out with my friends.

and ever since then, i've kinda slowly figured things out. i'm excited for this next quarter, i think i'm going to be very happy with my decision, i really do... wish me luck :)

a boring update

A lot has happened for me. It took me awhile to admit it, I guess. I lost my job a few weeks ago. Rough at first, I guess, but in hindsight, I was so unhappy there and I wasn't myself. "You are not defined be your job." That is what my dad says. I am not sure if he's just being a dad or not, but it's comforting regardless.
I have to admit I've enjoyed the solo time. I love Chicago. I love my apartment. I wouldn't change a thing. I really believe I will find a job that I truly love and I'm still confident everything happens for a reason. Anyways, just a brief update. :)

"i haven't seen the sun for weeks,
too long, too far from home.i
feel just like i'm sinking.
and i claw for solid ground.
pulled down by the undertoe.
never thought i could feel so low.
oh darkness i feel like letting go.
follow the strength and all the courage
come and lift me from this place."