it's 4:30 am on a tuesday

ok so it's really only 2:30, but i couldn't resist the counting crows lyric. especially since it's tuesday. plus it's probably 4:30 somewhere in the world.

i used to be a lot better at updating this. what can i say? life got busy. that, and 90% of the time i don't want to write unless i'm struck by some sort of realization or idea. consider this one one of those other 10% of the times... because i can't sleep and i figured why not write a little.

things have been good. i'm still loving the city. it's still surprising to me how much more at home i feel now in my apartment than i do at my parent's house. i just spent a couple of nights there and my room just doesn't feel like my room anymore. i mean it does, but it doesn't. i couldn't actually wait to get back here, as much as i like being home. it's a weird transitional thing i guess you could say. but i'm adjusted.

since i last wrote and i was sad, i can honestly say things have gotten 110% better. i'm back to myself and everything. it's weird. i went to the doctor today and she told me that we just get used to medications sometimes. that's probably what happened. she said it's probably not that i've gotten any worse or any of that, but just kind of built up a tolerance to the drug i was on. makes sense to me. in either case, i'm just so glad to be back to feeling like myself. i hated that time period, even though it was only a few weeks. i just remember not wanting to go to work and class and stuff. it just wasn't me. anyways, that's that. no complaints.

work is good. stressful right now, but good. i'm working with bipolar patients, it's really interesting. it really makes you appreciate your own health, too. it's hard to remember how lucky we are but really, talking to some of these people i find myself thinking "i can't believe i was ever complaining about such petty things." it's all relative... i know. but it just sort of hits you hard. i find that my sensitivity has kind of become an issue at work. i mean i know i always joke with people about how i'm sensitive and whatnot, but really, i get very attached to these people. and research is a hard thing becuase the drug companies have really strict criteria for these patients... and a lot don't fit the mold. and it makes me really sad because we attract patients that either don't have health insurance, money, etc, that from my point of view see clinical research as "their last hope" for a couple of reasons: a) they get paid for participating and b) the medication and treatment is free. and then, if they have the slightest exclusion criteria (abnormal labs, 1 point lower than they need to be on a scale, etc) we have to send them home. it just makes me sad to leave them in such a state and say "sorry, but we can't help you because pfizer's criteria is too strict." my boss always reminds me when i get upset that it's okay to have a big heart, but i have to remember my job... and that's research. these people don't expect me personally to save their lives, he says. but i guess i feel like... how do you know? maybe we were their last hope. anyways, i know a lot of that is me, but i just can't help but get attached to some of these people. i wish i was in a position that i could do more. i have to think of the positive, and i know that: the long term results of this project will help more people than not. it's just the short term that's hard to handle. for me anyways. i'm not a psychiatrist that's been dealing with this kind of "letting go" for years, so, i guess it's all a part of my job... becoming desensitized from all of that. but let me tell you, it's harder than it seems.

school is going okay. i'm in accounting, so i kind of feel like it's a little bit of a rut for me. i'm just not interested in it at all. the creative side of my brain sits through tuesday nights saying... what am i doing here? haha. but, just a few more weeks. it's just one of those, just like in undergrad, that you just have to get through. and then you can forget it. next quarter (starting mid feb) i'm taking 2 classes... so i'll be pretty busy. i think i'm ready though. the weather will be nicer and i couldn't really ask for a better walk to school. who can complain about walking down state street in the spring? and i'm actually getting into marketing classes now (finally!) so i think i will be much more interested. i'm excited. i even can find accounting relatively exciting when i understand it... it's just that i don't think my brain was built to understand it. i'm doing my best.

i guess i've sort of turned this entry into a journal type of blog. i usually try to stay away from that... but oh well, i guess everyone needs to find ways to entertain themselves when they can't sleep... right? plus, it's been a month. i promise my next entry will be a lot less about "me." after all, that's what my dad taught me right? (see last post). well, i broke the rules... but just this once.

happy new year!