Monday, August 28, 2006

new years resolution updates

awhile ago, i wrote some new years resolutions. i figure it's overdue, i missed the halfway through the year point, so i thought i'd do an update now... figure out where i need to be by 2007. so here they are, and here goes.

to stop obsessing over things that i really need to get over. to worry about my life, my own life, and to get over the past. to look to the future more. that's a big one for me.
i really think i've made great progress with this one. the way i used to let people get to me doesn't happen as easily anymore. i've kinda moved forward. there are some things you always hold on to, but i think that is ok.

to take this dang gmat and get my loyola application in. done and done!

to get a promotion, or a payraise, or both at work at my review this june. raise in July!

to continue to be a good friend and a good daughter to the best of my ability. Certainly hope so

to pay off my car. DONE

to keep paying off my credit cards. Getting better all of the time.

to figure out where i want to live, and once i do that (and my car is paid off) to get my own place. DONE! yes!

to visit Anne in New York and Lindsey in LA with my vacation time. Hopefully with friends!! Iss, Janna, Lisa, Konah...that's you guys! Visited both!

to keep the same relationship with my college roommates and my high school friends that i have right now. I think things get better all of the time.

to always make time for my friends--no matter how busy i might feel. there are always more important things. This isn't even an issue for me. Hands down, friends first. Always.

to write more. to read more books. to do more. to travel. Write enough, could read more, wish I could afford to travel more. Although, I guess I am going on some trips.

to get a healthier lifestyle--exercise, eat more wholesomely... in other words, less pizza, more chicken. less cookies, more apples. Shoot.

to give back. someway, somehow. and i don't mean just donating money. to actually physically do something for a good cause. I've been participating in walks and stuff like that, painted some Chicago schools with Janna. I realize I could be doing way more, and I'd like to.

to always remember how lucky i am. even on my worst days. I think I do.

to get one of my postcards on I better keep submitting! Not yet!

to make someone's day. to make a lot of people's day. Hope so.

to not forget a single birthday of anyone i know. to make their birthdays great. All over it.

i'd like a boyfriend--but i'm not going to get down on myself if i don't accomplish that. i think that has to sort of just happen. but let's just say i hope it happens to me :) Still working on it!!

to tell people what they mean to me rather than just thinking it all the time. to put my feelings on the table. i just think you never know when you can make someones day, or even save someones life. i think everyone has more going on than we sometimes realize. it's too easy to take people for granted. I really hope I do this.

to be a little more outgoing. stop hiding so much. stop being so shy. reach out to new people! I think I am less shy than I used to be.

make friends at work, school, etc. Eh, kinda :)

to really and truly, fully believe in myself. I do about 95% of the time.

to have another great year. to be my best. So far, So good

i feel like i should have written this.

great song.

now your path and mine
they never seemed to converge
and now i sat here in god knows where
with a mouth full of words

well they just sound like noises
if you say them enough
it was all such a long time ago.
now, was it though?


it's time to drag myself home
and to wonder just why
i still think of you now
only as you were then
but it was all such a long time ago

now was it though....?

Saturday, August 19, 2006

finally, a comparison

it's been a bit since i've written. this is usually due to a lack of subject matter. this time however, it was due to a lack of the right words. i've been thinking, hard, but i've been unable to sort everything out. and for some reason tonight, it all made sense.

cast away was on abc tonight. i usually hate watching movies on tv because of the commercials, but i really had nothing better to do, so i watched it (for the third or fourth time). at the end of the movie, i realized that it was exactly what i needed to see to say what i've been wanting to say, right. i love the end of this movie - because it's sad but more importantly, it's very real. this man is away on an island for seven years, and a smaller-than-wallet-sized picture is keeping him alive. for seven years, that was the only hope he had, that little picture. and i'm sure in the back of his mind he thought that one day he'd get home and things would pick up just where they left off. that's what it feels like when you're away.

the truth is people move on. she moved on. he was there on an island waiting to go home to the woman he loved, and when he got home, she had a husband, and kids. and still loved him. but had a new life now. it makes sense, you have to move on. you can't just pause your life in hopes that some miracle will happen. and maybe it will. but you can't count on it.

i related to this whole aspect. when the only thing you know that is real is far away. and you hold on to it and expect time to just freeze, right there, right where you left off. stop at that hug before they get on a plane. and pick up with another hug when they get off a few years later. and for a long time, for years, i've really truly believed and convinced myself that this is what happens. it hit about a week ago that it's actually not at all. that people have to go on with their own lives, and that people are different. i mean, some are able to do that easier. some are able to just say, ok, next chapter, let's go! it's good. it's healthy. but it's hard to accept.

and i guess saying you've been forgotten is a little too harsh. and to say you've been replaced is kind of the same. it's not that. it's just realizing you're not part of someone's immediate life anymore. and you know for a fact they didn't mean any harm by it, it was just natural, part of human existence. your immediate life becomes your surroundings, and well, when you're not in any sort of proximity with someone anymore, it's hard to remember that they once were. it's so human.

at the end of the movie he wants to be with her and then theres a second where he realizes that she has to go home. she has a husband inside, and children. and they love each other, but she has to go home. and he lets her walk inside, and he drives away.

and then later, talking to a friend he explains what went on on that island. he explains why he stayed alive. and this is what hit me.

"And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

that's what i need to do too. i need to, upon this realization, keep breathing. i need to let go. to take over my own life. i know it's going to take time, but i know what i have to do. and after all, i'm only 24... i have a lot of life ahead of me. tomorrow, the sun will rise. who knows what the tide could bring in?