Tuesday, May 30, 2006

and i wish it was a small world...

where do i even start? i've been internet deprived for a week, because i was visiting lindsey in LA. the thing is, i didn't care about the internet persay, or my email, but there were times i was like "dang , i really need to be writing right now. this is going to be some good material" and i just can't do the pen and paper thing anymore. so now i have my chance.

it's 2 am here, so that's midnight california time. my flight got in around 11. i don't know what it is about that place that gets me so emotional. i mean, maybe i do. but, on the plane i just started to feel really sad. not sad to be coming home. not sad to be in my own bed, and go to work tomorrow. but it's just that i saw a lot of really good friends whom i LOVE to be around, and i see them every couple of years. and i guess, this may be thinking too hard, but i can't help but wish we could all live near each other while we're still young. before people get married and have families and getting together just gets that much harder. and i know in a few days i won't feel like this. it's just the initial shock of leaving that behind me. and that some of my best friends live as far from me as they possibly could in the united states. i just wish i could spend more time with them.

and for a second, i believed i could. i mean, sometimes i'll have these really irrational thoughts like - whats keeping me in chicago? my job? my family? what if i didn't catch that plane home? what if i decided to just not go in tuesday morning? i'm not going to get arrested or anything. i think irrationally like that. then, once i landed here in chicago i remembered how much i like being here. and i know in a few days, when i'm back to my routine everything will make sense again. i'm just caught in a moment.

i love the song "raining in baltimore" because i think it captures everything i'm talking about with one simple line... "and i wish it was a small world." because i really do wish that. i wish i could see the people that i love to see every single day.

we all make our own lives, and carry on though. because that's what we have to do. and i know it's not that people forget about each other, it's just that the more time that goes on, the more preoccupied you get with things that are part of your everyday routine, and the farther in hindsight things from the past can get. even if they still mean a lot to you, they don't affect you every day. i'm no different. i have a routine. i wake up, i work, i commute home, i run errands, i go out on the weekends, and i do it again. that is my life. but, while it doesn't make much sense to dwell on the past, i can't help but to do that sometimes. i miss the simpler times. and the more you dwell on the past, the more you tangle yourself this little web of confusion. it's so much smarter to just live in the here and now. let things happen. and while i know that....easier said than done.

it's incredible how someone can impact your life so much. that years later, conversations are still easy. that for whatever reason in this world, in this lifetime, there are people that you just connect with. and that connection never goes away. no matter how far you live from each other, no matter how many years its been.

and you know that no one else will ever totally understand that connection. like, you can explain it forever and ever. but they'll never totally "get it." it's something that goes on between two people. or to quote high fidelity... it's a mystery of human chemistry and i don't understand it, but some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home.

i can't think of a better way to put it.

and so yes, i'd like to see those people all of the time. but i wouldn't trade the fact that when i do run into them it feels like yesterday, for anything in the entire world.

i had a great weekend. i learned a lot about myself, and a lot about these ghosts in my past that i just seem to hang on to. i learned why i do that. and i learned that it's ok. and i feel relieved. and proud of myself too. and i'm glad to be back home and back to my own life, after figuring a lot of things out. now, i just hope i can sleep.

i'll write soon.

Monday, May 15, 2006

pure randomness...prepare

been a month. shoot. i really thought i was improving my blog frequency. i guess i'll have to try a little harder.

mother's day was tonight, it was good. i totally feel like my mom deserves a mothers day, maybe even a few. she's so unselifsh. she was even kind of upset that we planned somethign that required spending money. her exact quote was, "i would have been fine just cooking breakfast here." we went to a really nice brunch though. and i kept telling her that this is one day, that it's okay to let people treat her to things. she doesn't have to be a "mom" all the time. just accept that we want to do something nice for you. not everyone has a good mom. i'm lucky and i wanted to show her that i know that. so, things were well.

well, may 5th, i took the gmat. i did pretty good. i scored above average for loyola's admission, so i'm happy. of course, randomly, i do better in math than in english. remember what my degree is in? i don't know though--i'm a writer. that just flows. it's harder to diagram sentences and figure out that the linking verb is in the wrong place. in my opinion anyways. so, i rocked the math part. and i get my writing scores in a few weeks. then, i'll find out! and finding out means figuring out my living situation. i'm really ready to move out these days.

i can't figure out if i want to stay in naperville, or if i need to move closer to work (for my own sanity, and the possibility if i get into grad school.) i really go back and forth about this all of the time. that, and i am really going to try to buy instead of renting. that may not be even possible... but my car is paid off now, so that's a big deal. a lot more money in my pocket per month. i'd just need a down payment, and i'm wondering if my dad could help me out with that. once again, these are all just ideas. nothing set in stone. but, places i'd live: lagrange, oak park, naperville, and four lakes in lisle. i just can't wait for annie to move home. it's going to be just great.

job is going well. i just had my first review. ha. my department is so laid back. it was basically like my administrator taking me into a room and being like "i put some good comments about you and im sending it to HR." which is a predetermined raise (i think). and i just found out i get to go to this CINP congress in July, and they're putting me up in a hotel for a week. so that means a few things: 1. fun in the city with my international friends that i've become friends with via email. ha. 2. no commuting for an entire week. 3. playing "tour guide" 4. having my own hotel room (ahh, how relaxing, a getaway, sort of.) and 4. a week away from my typical office scene, escapes are always good. i'm so thrilled about tihs setup. i just really love my boss. he's on my side with everything. it's so refreshing. he's very supportive and encouraging about me starting graduate school... and he's just a good, good, guy. i have problems with one guy at work, whichi'm pretty sure i have goten my point across to :) he started to back off some. (he just has no social skills) but yea. the job is good. i just feel like i totally lucked out. i want to work at a hospital for a long time now i think. :) i've gained a lot of respect for these doctorst that literally put themselves last and pure solely about the care of other people. i'm not saying all doctors are this way--but my boss certainly is. and a few others i'm sure of it :) ok, enough about work.

i just want to say that i noticed all the younger girls (agds that were just babies when i was there) are about to graduate. i've been there guys! don't worry, it's definitely not the end of the world. i talk to janna, lindsey, and konah every single day. i'm not exaggerating. it's been two years. and even the rest of us, we talk frequently. i can't honestly say i've lost touch with anyone totally. at the same time, i can't believe it's two years. i still get somewhat of a rush every time i'm on campus (visiting). i just love purdue so much. it has a place in my heart.

the real world's not too bad though. you get bills yeah, but you get money too. and routine becomes someting you're just really used to. i'm proud of all of you guys though. :) it seems like i just graduated yesterday. i just can't believe that. but anyways, nonetheless... friends are friends forever, pardon the cliche. i still sometimes feel like i live with janna and lindsey. :) i love that.

well this is a long one. sorry for the ramblin! i'm going to get to bed. work tomorrow. ugh. sometimes i hate sundays... haha. i'll write more though. and maybe more interesting ones too.

until next time my faithful blog readers (ha) just kidding