you can only change yourself

a lot of times, and all too often, i find myself wanting to change things for people. let me try to explain. if someone i'm close to, or even someone i just know or knew, is living a dishonest life, or just living with something i couldn't... i think about it all the time. how could they do that? how do they face themselves? well it was just recently that it occured to me--why do i care? what good is it going to do? and, i knew this all along, but i guess it just set in that although everything may seem okay with them on the outside, you have to face yourself at the end of the day right? and chances are if you're doing something in your life that you don't want other people to know about--it's not easy to face yourself. i can't imagine how hard it would be to disapprove of your own lifestyle, but be stuck and unable to change it. so hard. anyways, just some ramblings. things i stumbled upon.

life's been ok for me. i've been working and that's about it--but that's okay with me at this point. i see my friends occasionally. i'm up for doing something every day, so if someone offers, you can assume i'm there. the job is great. still working on graduate school. i need to prepare for a test, and i haven't studied in a year. i'm not really excited about that at all. but hey, when it's done, it's done.

i booked a flight to see anne in NY in march, and to visit lindsey in LA in may. i'm excited. i needed things to look forward to, and things to spend my vacation time on, so i'm not just taking off days and sitting at home--feels too unproductive these days. i don't enjoy inactivity anymore. but anyways, so these trips were the perfect solution to both problems. and it will of course, be good to see my friends. i miss them very much.

but that's about it. pretty sure i am moving in with anne pretty soon when aj gets deployed again. probably in naperville for about a year. that's the plan for now anyways... sounds good to me. :)

some new great lyrics. well, new to me.

please remember me
happily
by the rose bush laughing
with bruises on my chin
a time when
we counted every black car
passing your house
beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention.

but please, remember me.
fondly.
i heard from someone you're still pretty.
and they went on to say
that the pearly gate
had some eloquent graffiti
like "we'll meet again"
and "fuck the man"
and "tell your mother not to worry"
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry.
-iron and wine, "the trapeze swinger"

well it's 2006

happy new year. of course after a long weekend and about 4 days off... i'm wide awake at 2 am. go figure. i figured i'd update this--it's been sort of awhile. for me at least.

the holidays were great. in the past 7 work days--i've worked 2! ha. that is pretty worth it in itself. i've enjoyed my time off, spending it with my family, my friends from home. we were able to all get together, so that's always awesome. i miss the good old days but i'm glad everyone's doing well. still, when we all get together it's just like it was back then. i love that. and i know it will always be like that, which i love even more. i haven't stopped knowing them, you know? even though we've all been doing our own things for quite some time now. i still feel at home when i'm with them--and that's well, it's just awesome.

i guess every year i sort of make a point to reflect on the previous year and what has transpired... and so i'll make a little list of those things in 2005. as with anything in life, some good, some bad. so here goes:

• i got past this whole car accident thing. that's a major plus.
• i got a new car, stuck to my goals about paying it off, and it should be paid for in about april or may of this year. awesome.
• i paid off a few of my credit cards.
• i have my entire graduate school application done (including letters of recommendation! and my personal statement) i just need to take the GMAT!
• besides living with my parents i am completely independent financially! that means, no rent, but--double car payments, cell phone bills, credit card bills, student loans, car insurance, medical insurance, dentist/doctor appointments, prescriptions, and just everyday expenses. i'm proud of myself for that. i know that for everyone that's not a total 180, but considering how i was fully supported (and didn't work) during college--i think for me it's a long way to come in a year.
• i had a rough time getting a job for awhile there, and i was kind of hard on myself. this lasted a couple of months. but it paid off.
• i somehow, amazingly, landed a really good job. i have a great boss whos taught me a lot, and i can see myself there for a long time.
• i learned a lot about medical research, medical school, hospitals, doctors, etc. it has really been a big educational stepping stone for me. it's true you never know what you'll end up liking until you try it.
• my family moved back to naperville and i got to spend some quality months with my friends that live here again (before they move away...and before i move out.) also, i got to spend time with my parents after work and things like that. i know i'm getting old to be living at home, but honestly, i enjoyed doing it this last year. once i'm out, i'm out you know? i'm really grateful for this past year at home. i missed being around here. and my parents are pretty easy to live with. now i sort of feel ready to move on, but that's another whole story. i'm glad i did it while i could. it feels right.
• i lost my grandma this summer. i saw my, granted shes overemotional, mother go through the hardest time of her life. i realized how hard that is going to be for me someday.
• i got help for something i needed help for a long time ago. i found the strength to do that, and i'm so much healthier now because of it.
• i realized who my true friends are after leaving school.
• my best friend got married to a great guy.
• i stood up in my first wedding!
• one of my good friends from college had a beautiful baby.
• i threw my first baby shower (with the help of steph of course)!
• three of my friends got engaged.
• i was able to successfully rekindle with a lot of friends i had not so much lost contact with, but just had a hard time getting together with when i was away at school. i'm really happy about that. (that's you kara! among others.)
• i turned 24!
• christine and i finally had that joint birthday party we were always talking about growing up!
• i think i am (slowly but surely) getting a little less shy!
• i regained contact with some friends from school that i really missed. i'm so happy to have them back (mike, josh, pervis, etc.) i temporarily forgot how much fun we all have together.
• i talk to my college roommates every day. i don't feel any more distant from them than i did when i was living with them. i know we'll all grow old together.
• i really think that i did everything i could to be a good friend and a good daughter. i hope i'm right. i mean, i made mistakes. but for the most part, i think i did my best to fix them.
• i can honestly say i enjoyed my year.

and now i'm not really good at making resolutions. mostly because i hate making things that i end up not sticking to... and life sometimes can get a little busier than you expect. but in any case, my so called goals for the next year... well, here's a few.

• to stop obsessing over things that i really need to get over. to worry about my life, my own life, and to get over the past. to look to the future more. that's a big one for me.
• to take this dang gmat and get my loyola application in.
• to get a promotion, or a payraise, or both at work at my review this june.
• to continue to be a good friend and a good daughter to the best of my ability.
• to pay off my car.
• to keep paying off my credit cards.
• to figure out where i want to live, and once i do that (and my car is paid off) to get my own place.
• to visit Anne in New York and Lindsey in LA with my vacation time. Hopefully with friends!! Iss, Janna, Lisa, Konah...that's you guys!
• to keep the same relationship with my college roommates and my high school friends that i have right now.
• to always make time for my friends--no matter how busy i might feel. there are always more important things.
• to write more. to read more books. to do more. to travel.
• to get a healthier lifestyle--exercise, eat more wholesomely... in other words, less pizza, more chicken. less cookies, more apples.
• to give back. someway, somehow. and i don't mean just donating money. to actually physically do something for a good cause.
• to always remember how lucky i am. even on my worst days.
• to get one of my postcards on http://postsecret.blogspot.com
• to make someone's day. to make a lot of people's day.
• to not forget a single birthday of anyone i know. to make their birthdays great.
• i'd like a boyfriend--but i'm not going to get down on myself if i don't accomplish that. i think that has to sort of just happen. but let's just say i hope it happens to me :)
• to tell people what they mean to me rather than just thinking it all the time. to put my feelings on the table. i just think you never know when you can make someones day, or even save someones life. i think everyone has more going on than we sometimes realize. it's too easy to take people for granted.
• to be a little more outgoing. stop hiding so much. stop being so shy. reach out to new people! make friends at work, school, etc.
• to really and truly, fully believe in myself.
• to have another great year. to be my best.

well i think that about sums it up for now. it's quite possible that i'll end up adding more. to both categories, but in any case... i felt the need to address the new year after some great time with both family and friends. it's funny how i think life was over after college... i mean i knew better, but i couldn't imagine. and now i'm in a good place still. a very different world, but still a good life. i should spend less time thinking too hard maybe...

happy new year everyone.