Monday, September 26, 2005

such is life

as usual i've found myself overwhelmed with emotions lately. i've always been emotional--and by that i don't mean the type that cries at movies. but i think too much.

i had a really good weekend. friends from out of town came in and really the best parts about it were when were were doing nothing at all. life's so strange that way. how many hours of my life have i spent making really extravagent plans and when do the best things happen? when you've planned nothing at all. when you're least expecting them to. i wonder why that is.

growing up isn't horrible except that you can't do what you want to all the time anymore. that freedom sort of leaves, like the spontaniaty of it is gone because you have a pretty set schedule. sometimes i think it would be nice to just pack a little bag of things and go, just go, and figure out your destination later. but those days really are gone.

i had a quote in my AIM profile for a long time about how everyone's always in such a hurry to grow up and then when you turn 23 and start working full time all you want to do is go back to the days where you can be young. it's so true. i remember never being "old enough." always wanting just a little bit more freedom, and now, looking back,. i'd give anything in the world to be nineteen again. but i suppose that's all part of the plan.

in any case, i know great people and i'm a lucky girl and this weekend really made me realize how much i enjoy and appreciate my life.

Monday, September 19, 2005


this weekend i had a little get together, a bbq with some cocktails... i pretty much invited everyone i stay in some sort of contact with. that contact varies. either we run into each other sometimes and say we should hang out more, or we talk every day, or we used to talk everyday. so, the turnout was interesting.

it was what would be considered a random mix to most people, because they were from all different parts of my life, but to me it was just really refreshing. to see who cared enough to show up. i know obligations happen and not everyone can be there, and i understand that. it's just really great to see a lot of people i sort of expected to not come, to come. and not just to come over, but to welcome my parents back and chat with them, bring cards and bottles of wine. i was looking out the window at one point and just noticing how polite everyone was being and i thought to myself... i know some really awesome people.

i woke up today and i just felt tired, but i felt good. like almost satisfied, i guess. everything just went so great. it's so interesting in life how things just work out. how a year ago the crowd at my house would have been a totally different crowd, but how i'm so very happy with the crowd that it was. i really enjoy my life, i really do. i think i'm extremely fortunate and i hope i do my part in giving back to all of these people that just by being them, make me so much more myself. if that makes any sense whatsoever.

thanks everybody for being a part of my life.
i know that's really deep and stuff, but i really mean it.
i'm who i am because i know all of you. and i love being able to be who i am without any falsities or insecurities. i have you all to thank for that. in the process of 23 years i think i've stumbled upon who are my real friends and my friends for life and i'm so incredibly happy with the turnout. love you all.

Monday, September 12, 2005


this weekend driving konah's car back from purdue, because my battery died, because i left the glove compartment open... i found myself beginning to really feel sorry for myself. we've all done it. the whole "my life couldn't be any worse." and then i took a moment to realize, wait, what am i talking about? i just had an amazing weekend with amazing friends--one of whom knew i needed to be home so bad that she didn't even hesitate to let me take her car home. what in the world is so bad about someone with that life?

i do it sometimes. i'll start to feel bad for myself. and convince myself i have it worse than everyone else... and i think it used to last, but now it's almost like i catch myself, like "shut up amy! you are damn lucky and you know it..." just a thought.

you know i miss school, but it's so different. i mean it's still fun, same familiar places, but for me it's missing a lot of familiar faces... it's just someone else's school now and i can respect that. i had 4 great years there. i'm glad someone else gets to too.

it's just sad how life changes. i know i've said that before. but i mean the way you picture your life 10 years ago is always different than it is... and that wouldn't be such a bad thing if we never lost people along the way, you know?

i've found though, and maybe i'll keep finding, but that if you do everything in your power to hold on to someone in life and they still resist, that you just have to kinda live through the memories. and it's sad. sometimes i'm not ready to give up yet... but it's just that you can't make somebody love you. you can't make somebody more like you, in that they care more, in that they try. you can't change people. so you give your all and make yourself someone good to be around, and you live your life. and that is all you can do... and maybe, just maybe, that's why we're here, and that's why life holds so many little surprises along our journey. to keep the faith that things are still possible.

Friday, September 09, 2005

it's my life

i've had one of those days today where i'm not completely myself... where i almost get ahead of myself and then it's like, wait, did that really just happen? but it did...
it's kinda crazy, i don't really think i have a temper, but i do get upset really easily sometimes. i wish i wasn't that way. i wish i could walk away from an argument and return to it later, clear-minded... i just wasn't built like that.

what i always think when i'm starting to get upset about something someone did or said to me though, is, once i've calmed down some i think... why do i care? why do i care what they think of me and what they say to me? this is my life! i have a lot of great people in it who love and care for me.. a lot that wouldn't say such things to me... so when someone does, why care?

i don't know, i guess i'm fragile. i think most everyone's fragile. it's really easy to get hurt because you have to perform every day, and no matter what happened the day before you have to hold your head high and your shoulders tall and live out the day. especially in the working world. it's strictly business when you're at work. they don't know your friends, they don't know your family. they know you have a job to do regardless of what on earth happened on your way to work... and that's hard sometimes. it's not like college where you can just skip a class and take a breather and talk it out with your friends. you have to walk tall, even if you feel small.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


there are a lot of people that i know that i wish would learn how to love people more.