on humanity

i've been babysitting all week, and like my last post sort of mentioned, i've been a little down. several times it has crossed my mind "wouldn't it be nice to be three again?" i literally watch these kids whos day consists of playing, being cooked for, taken care of, and okay, occasionally corrected but still... their life is as simple as it's ever going to be--and they have no idea.

well today i realized when neala stuck her hand in an umbrella and pinched it, pretty bad. i mean i would have probably been tearing up, and shes three... and you know what she wanted? a bandaid, and for me to hold her on the couch. "i want amy on the couch, i want amy to hold me on the couch. i'm all better." and this may be a little "grey's anatomy type writing" but i thought for a second... maybe kids and adults aren't so different.

my point is this: we all explore things, take the chance of getting hurt, and then once we do, all we want at the end of the day is somebody to hold us and make us "all better." maybe that is one thing that doesn't change, from 3 to 30 to 60 to 100. we all just want to feel loved when we're hurt.

2008 update

the visit was awesome. we had so much fun, and i think we met a new comfort level which was a lot of fun too. the first visit was a lot of figuring each other out, this visit was a lot more relaxed, teasing each other, that kind of thing. it's always refreshing to know that you can let your guard down and just totally be yourself.

new years was great. we really didn't do much which was exactly what i wanted. i kind of feel like when you are with someone you care about, it doesn't matter what you do. originally i thought we needed plans, and then i realized, it's just another night. what did we do? we went to buffalo wild wings, played trivia, ate boneless wings, drank blue moon, and went back to my apartment to watch the countdowns and bring in the new year. haha. i loved it, it was laid back, and perfect, and it was us.

we did a lot of other fun things, too bad it was freezing so it wasn't easy to do much. the warm weather came this week, go figure, but we made the best of it. dean got to go eat all of his favorite missed chicago foods, and i got to introduce him to cafe iberico! and wildfire to meet the parents, which went really well. they really liked him, even my dad who is protective, so, that was impressive. i knew they would, but still. the visit was great. i couldn't imagine a better new years.

of course, the airport is never easy. it comes to that airport day and i wake up in the morning knowing, this is going to be a hard day... and then it is. we try to avoid it during lunch, but then it comes time that i have to drop him off, and it sucks. i've been trying to see it in a new light - think how much fun we had instead of - who knows when i'll see you next. but it's always hard to be that positive when you've had an awesome week with someone who's going to fly back across the country, for a few months probably. but, we said goodbye, and i really thought i was going to be stronger this time. nope, i cried the whole ride home. but, i guess a combination of a happy and a sad cry. certain songs still make me tear up, but it's just because i wish he was here. anyways...all in all, i couldn't ask for a person who respects me more and treats me better. he's really such a gentleman, and so much fun, and we have a blast together. i'm so grateful to have him in my life and that i had him in chicago to bring in 2008.

other updates, i haven't really been myself lately and i really noticed it because of my relationships. i started to kind of let go of things and people i care a lot about, or make irrational decisions/arguments, and not really know what to attribute them to. well, i think a combination of people made me realize (not by telling me, but by talking to me) that somethings missing in my life. like, there is some part of me that is not completely satisified and it's affecting the way i treat others and the way i think about myself. so, i've been trying to combat that. going to bed earlier, applying for more jobs, going on interviews, and just trying to occupy my time more, whether that means getting out in the morning and going for a run, or just waking up and doing laundry, just doing something with my day. it's amazing how much better i feel about myself when i'm productive. it's something i never realized when i was working because i was overworking myself, so i didn't have any "me" time. now i have too much of it. i've always been a deep thinker, and i guess i need to limit my "thinking" time to keep myself sane. if i think about something long enough, i can turn almost anything into a disaster. and that is the last thing i want.

i have so much going for me right now, i just need to get back on the ball. when i was working 50 hours a week, babysitting 10, and going to school 6, sure, i was tired, but i was satisified. at the end of the day, all i wanted to do was sleep, but i slept well because i knew that i really got things done and i was moving forward with my career and my education and that felt good. sure, at times i felt like i was paying rent just to "sleep here" and i didn't feel like i had time to get together with friends for dinner and stuff like that, and that gets tough too. but lately, i've really let myself slip into this comfortable do what you want all day sort of attitude... and i've really gotten way too comfortable with it to be honest. i miss being more motivated, and having a really detailed to-do list. and goals. lots of goals. some that i knew would take me ten years, but i knew i would do them, and some that would get done by the end of the week. i've always been a really motivated person and i'm not sure what happened to me as of lately.

christmas break really made me realize it because the kids were out of town, and my school is on break, and all of the sudden i had NOTHING to do. it was like, i never thought i'd be this way at 26. i always saw myself as an overachiever, because i always was, and i've almost turned into the opposite. i'm not beating myself up yet, it's only been like 3 months without a job, but i know what i need to do and that is to get back on track. occupy my day. it might take me a little bit to find a job, but i can find other things to do. i need to get out, figure out what i want in life and i need to go get it. because it's not fair to me and my potential not to do so, and it's not fair to the people in my life that i'm ending up taking this lack of self-satisfaction out on. i'm just happy i've placed the problem. now it's time to go do something about it. will update. happy new year :)

the way i see it

it's been awhile, i know! my writing has lacked inspiration lately, i suppose, and i really attribute that to the fact that things have been exceptionally well in my life lately. i read my christmas blog from last year the other day, and i realized how much i need to start writing again. i love that i have moments documented, so i need to keep that up.

So what's new? well... the best thing is that dean came back into my life. i mean he was always in it, but he came back completely. we spent a day together back in october, and we had so much fun. it was more natural than i can explain. i was watching sleepless in seattle the other night and they kept talking about how they felt "magic." and thats how they knew. i can honestly say i felt that. sounds cheesy, i know, but we talked all night, and finally, it felt like home.

i've been scared to trust boys since my last incident. in fact, for awhile i thought i wanted to pursue my education and my career and not even worry about any of that other stuff for awhile. but my opinion has changed.

we click. thats the best way to explain it. we just absolutely click. it's to the point that i can predict what he says sometimes, and vice versa. and we just get each other. i don't know if i've ever had that with someone as much as i have it with him.

i feel weird publically posting this, i guess. but a lot of people don't check my blog and i always need to write things down... so, either way, this is how i work. i like to remember great moments... so, if that takes writing them down, so be it.

i always think about my grandma lanie (dad's mom). she was on her death bed, literally, so out of it and she said to me "i want you to have my diaries, and i want you to be a writer. never give that up." and i don't want to. for her, and for me.

anyways, dean came back a month later to visit me. it meant the world to me that he came, and not only that, but we spent 5 days together that just felt so normal. and beyond normal even. natural. we had so much fun together, and we really didn't do much at all... if it makes sense, doing nothing at all and having fun seems so much more impressionable than doing a lot and not feeling anything. i loved our time together. it was great.

he is coming back to visit me over the new year, and i can't think of a better way to bring in the new year. it's been a little bit of a rough year for me: heartbreaks, losing my job, being completely stressed by having no freetime for awhile... i can't think of any better way to start the new year with someone i sincerely care about.

really, i believe in fate. it sounds a little generic, i guess. life is crazy though. i mean, we've known each other forever, and neither of us would have predicted that this would happen... but it's really changing my life. actually, it's turned my perspective on things upside down. i used to be one of those independent girls that thought, i'll be fine on my own, etc. but, you meet someone and that changes in you... and if it's not forever, well, okay. but right now i can honestly say it feels like forever. i'm a very happy girl.

i told him he makes me feel like the only girl in the room. and thats so true. and i guess that's all i ever really wanted. i don't need to be the center of attention. in fact i don't WANT to be the center of attention. but i love that i'm his center of attention, if that makes sense. the best thing about it is that everything about us just feels like home. like sitting at my parents house at christmas. that kind of home. let loose in your pajamas kind of home. so, anyways, enough lovey dovey talk :) . but, i'm incredibly lucky that i met someone that adores me as much as i adore him.

i think it's going to be a great year.
:)

merry christmas, everyone.

finding my "niche"

so over the past 3 weeks i've done a lot, and i mean a LOT of thinking. it started off with sending out hundreds of resumes, and getting frustrated with phone calls of BS job/interview offers, getting my hopes up for a career that sounds perfect and not hearing back, etc.

and then one night i was sitting in class and i realized something... how much i love class. how much i have loved my classes since i started my program at loyola, and how much more i looked forward to school than work. i've always loved school, but i mean, i leave these classes thinking about them for days. they inspire me.

and then in my marketing class we had a guest speaker--and she was an entrepreneur, that (get this) made chocolates from natural ingredients inspired by her world travels. it's this totally crazy concept, but i'm sitting here looking at this girl who is like 30, and completely successful because she followed her heart and didn't care what everyone else defined "success" as and just totally went on a limb and followed her heart. she started making chocolates in her apartment, and now charges $40.00 a box. i'm not saying i want to make chocolates... but

i've made the decision to go to school full time. i think it's what makes me truly happy, and i think until i graduate i'll be accepting jobs that i just think are "okay." and i think i deserve more than that. i've learned about working in the real world, dealing with difficult people, and falling asleep at my desk because i just didn't love what i was doing anymore. i'm done with that. i want to love my job, and i want to love it as soon as possible.

i'm going to nanny full time to pay for my apartment (and my life) and go to school 4 nights a week. i signed up for my classes this week. of course this was a little easier to decide when my classes were paid for, but student loans aren't the end of the world. education is an investment. it's not like i'm buying a porsche. :)

i'm happy with my decision, and i'm really kinda following my heart without thinking too hard about it. hopefully, that turns out to be the right decision.

the best part about it is, i really got out of the rut i was in. i spent about a week feeling bad for myself after i lost my job, and i guess a little ashamed... and one day i was on my way to class and i just thought "this is what makes me happy, productivity. and you know what isn't productive? feeling sorry for yourself." so, i quit that right then and there. and i made myself busy, updating resumes, spending time reading, taking up more babysitting opportunites, and hanging out with my friends.

and ever since then, i've kinda slowly figured things out. i'm excited for this next quarter, i think i'm going to be very happy with my decision, i really do... wish me luck :)

a boring update

A lot has happened for me. It took me awhile to admit it, I guess. I lost my job a few weeks ago. Rough at first, I guess, but in hindsight, I was so unhappy there and I wasn't myself. "You are not defined be your job." That is what my dad says. I am not sure if he's just being a dad or not, but it's comforting regardless.
I have to admit I've enjoyed the solo time. I love Chicago. I love my apartment. I wouldn't change a thing. I really believe I will find a job that I truly love and I'm still confident everything happens for a reason. Anyways, just a brief update. :)

"i haven't seen the sun for weeks,
too long, too far from home.i
feel just like i'm sinking.
and i claw for solid ground.
pulled down by the undertoe.
never thought i could feel so low.
oh darkness i feel like letting go.
follow the strength and all the courage
come and lift me from this place."

renewed my lease!

well... i have absolutely learned to love chicago. it's been almost a year since i've been down here. the only reason i know is because i renewed my lease, seriously. i feel like it was just yesterday i moved down here.

everytime i get upset about paying my rent i think about the times i walk home and it's just me and the city lights. and i realize this is where i am meant to be, right here, right now.

i have been through a lot of changes. almost all good changes. and even the bad--turned out to be good. life really does always go on.

i'm so happy with where i am right now and i have so many people to thank for that. i'm so thankful to god for teaching me independence, i'm so thankful to my parents for believing in me no matter what, and i'm so incredibly thankful to my friends for helping me through any tough time i've come across. or even a happy time--acknowledging that. seriously, i know i don't say it enough but i hope that you all know what you mean to me. this has been one of the best years of my life, and i could not have done it without any of you.

much love.

blast from the past

found an old journal in a drawer tonight. and i found an old entry, well, a few old entries, that i just want to make sure "stick around." i used to believe in writing by hand instead of typing, since computers are not necessarily reliable, and i think there's something to say about things that are handwritten. but i've changed my mind about all that. maybe it's caving in to technology, i don't know what to call it. either way, here's some entries from 2004. oh and by the way, the outside of this journal says "do one thing everyday that scares you. -eleanor roosevelt."

2.4.04

do one thing everyday that scares you--interesting concept huh? i bet that you do anyways, but probably not on purpose. i don't know, i think it's a neat little way to remind yourself to live fully, daily. that's why i picked this book up. it just caught me.

one thing i've learned very recently--and i think it's only because i am actually growing up--but how important it is to surround yourself with people whose lifestyles you respect.

people feed off each other unintentionally.
happens all of the time.

it's also so weird how some people just stick with you. like effortlessly. you'll be friends your entire life. you just, for whatever reason, understand each other.

i guess no one can take that away. life is crazy like that. some things never falter.
__

2.4.04 (separate entry)

wouldn't it be amazing if it were acceptable for people to just let go of inhibitions and tell each other how we feel about them?

it sucks how we're all so scared all of the time.

sure, you'd get some bad stuff. wouldn't the good stuff be worth it though?

twenty people could love me right now and be too scared to speak up. yeah right... but

i think abut how many people i've never told, and the possible things that may have happened if i did. they may not have, but they may have.

and well, there's a lot of room to wonder how much we don't know.

in a way, what a waste... wow.
___

2.4.04 (l0ve this one, gotta love college)

what is the point of me knowing about linguistics? i want to wite--BUT NOT WRITE A DICTIONARY.

i'm ditching class today--target instead. linguistics is a lot harder to learn about... but Target is a lot more fun.

__

2.5.o5

isn't it sad how you can spend all night or day building thoughts on something--trying to figure it all out... and meanwhile the person/thing you're thinking about could be on the other side of the world--livin' life and havin' fun... with no idea how much you are trying to understand.

it's good to care about everything--but sometimes it's hard.

__

2.10.04 (i stopped after this for some reason)

i realized in class today that i have a passion for what i'm going to do with my life. it really gets to me when people are close-minded about their interests as opposted to other people's because people are SO diffeent. i may not be a math major, or a prelaw major and maybe math people and lawyers are viewed as successful... but to be honest, i could care less about being viewed as successful. i want to be viewed as myself.

i've just heard comments on that sort of thinglately. my parents never pressured me toward success--but always told me to follow my heart.

senior year in college, in english 515, i find out that not only were they right...
i listened to them.

more than a teacher

So I finished up my last class of the quarter... And I was taking my final tonight... 15 multiple choice, 15 true/false, 8 short answer, 2 essays... and then the following paragraph at the bottom of our test:
"Hey I really enjoyed you guys. Thanks. You started off so quiet and ended up so talkative. There's always variations between classes but this is the first time I've seen one within the class. Hold on to your enthusiasm--it's an asset. Hope this class and your program is useful to you now and later in life. Never hesitate to call if you have a question--Just because I'm not your teacher next quarter doesn't mean I'm not a friend. Prof. Smith."

I had tears in my eyes. I love when teachers are more than just teachers. It's so rewarding to know they think highly of you (similar to the way you think highly of them). I was just telling my dad last night how school is such a collaborative thing. It comes from the class just as much as it comes from the teacher... I love the feeling of being finished with a class, but it's bittersweet too because I almost feel like after 3 months of spending 3 hours on Thursday nights in this classroom that it's part of my life... and I have somewhat of a relationship with my class.

I was leaving and I turned in my exam and my professor whispered to me "Good luck." And I don't know, it just made me sad. Like for some reason that I'd never see him again, probably, but he taught me so much and I respected him so much. At the same time, it's a good feeling to hand in that final and know you are done. :)

Anyways, heres to being half done with my masters!

amazing

These moments of inspiration, for want of a better word, are moments of transparency really. The thing that gets in the way of our lives, not let alone in creativity, most of the time is our brain, which steps in as sort of an editor from what we’re seeing and receiving from our senses. And adds sort of consciousness to it. And we become aware, and it obstructs our progress in sort of spiritual ways. So, theres a spiritual element to making music.

When inspiration comes, you’ve somehow disengaged your consciousness just a touch. The flow of images comes, and it comes so quickly and so freshly that you know it’s just a transperncy really. You’ve managed to remove the barrier, and you’re just reaching straight in to the good stuff. Then all you’re using your brain to do is as the process plays itself out, you arrange, like a collage, oh that image would be better there… or maybe I could use that in the chorus. And you start to just swipe in to the process enough, to know that when these things come out fully formed, you’re less involved in a sense. And it’s only afterwards people make up how wonderful they are, and their ego tells them how great it is that they’ve written these things. Really, the act of writing good music is to get rid of all that, to get away from ego, and just touch the purity of things and see them for what they are. It’s a fantastic feeling.

It’s similar to what happens when you connect with a song in front of a crowd, but different, much more crowded. In a way, it’s much more intense, but quieter.

i love david gray.

David Gray...
"Following White Ladder, and in it's infancy, White Ladder took so long to break everywhere. We released it in 1998, which is a shocking fact. I mean we were still touring it in the summer of 2001. Three years. So I very much missed a beat, creatively I think. Although what I got in return was an utterly changed world in terms of my career and my sort of prospects as a recording artist. But there was certainly a price to pay. Very early on in 1990 when we cut Lost Songs, when it came to the followup, the world had changed into the latent psychology that kicks in after the success, It's like you've all been drinking the champagne, thinking an I believe that I'm here? What seems to be sitting on top of the world, or Radio City, or wherever you happen to be. And the next thing is making another record. Obviously things changed in my life.

My dad died during this last bit of touring we did. And that really sort of knocked my success. And it was almost like there was some sort of trade off. Here's success, but we'll take your dad. That was very much the emotional tone. The writing that came next was very raw and sincere. And that doesn't mean that the songs that I wrote were any good. Just that it was very real.
So it's sort of a prevailing mood. Very downbeat from what I was writing. Which was hardly the sort of follow up to a sort of pop smash, that you might have wished for. But it's just what came out."

life, good friends, counting crows, and moving on

so, since the last post my life has managed to get even more insane. i don't know what is happening seriously, or how to get ahold of it. i guess just one step at a time. regardless....

friday-i went to iss' jordan and lisa's after work in an attempt to get my mind off stuff. we went to dinner and sat outside (it was so pretty out, and actually for once you could see stars in chicago. so maybe it was only like 4, but still)... then i went out with lisa to meet some of her friends for a bit and chat about life and then we decided to call it a night. so we went back to their place, and as i'm on the way back to my apartment listening to music and seriously starving for my bed, danielle calls me and says "hey, dave and i are sitting outside at this great place with great music... come!" and it just sounded good enough to turn around my car in the parking garage and take a cab over to bucktown.

so, an hour in bucktown turns into several hours of me and danielle talking... until the sun comes up. it's weird how time passes so quick when you get into things and you're hearing sound advice from a really good friend. i was volunteering early in the morning for chicago cares and painting chicago public schools, but sleep just didn't seem important at the time. i still think i made the right decision.

it gets to be around 5 am and neither of us are tired. danielle told me she'd volunteer with me and she had clothes for us to wear that can get paint on them, so this is sounding perfect. we made the decision to not go to sleep. instead around 6:30 we went to my place, made coffee, and headed to serveathon.... which, tired as we were, was awesome.

it's just so nice to know you did something so amazing with your day. seriously, put a bunch of hands together and split them up across the city and change these schools for kids that really don't know much else. as much as it seemed so easy for us, we left that school a different place. those kids are going to have a totally different and more positive learning environment... so rewarding. what else would i be doing on a saturday afternoon? maybe sleeping? shopping? watching a movie? this was time well spent.

so after the serveathon we were celebrating father's day at my parents house by having a barbeque... so i got home and as much as i wanted to go to bed i got in the car and drove home. well, i get to naperville and i'm turning right on ogden to head to my parents house and i get in a fender bender... Great. we pull over, exchange insurance, cop comes, blah blah blah. everythings fine and i get a ticket. i told the cop how i was going to celebrate an early fathers day at my parents, he tells me he hopes my night gets better, and i'm on my way.

i'm at my parents house maybe fifteen minutes when the doorbell rings. i hear someone ask for me and i'm confused like "who knows i'm even at home? who really even lives in naperville anymore?" and i look and it's the cop. haha. he tells me he has more news for me. apparently i was supposed to get my vehicle emissions test for illinois by last wednesday (which i did not know because the notices go to my parents' house). so they suspended my license? so the cop told me he can't justify arresting me when i have a car that will pass and it was a misunderstanding, but he has to write me a second ticket (which will go away-- once i go take care of some things). so that was interesting. my aunt and uncle were over, and my neighbors (whom i've never met) saw the cop in the driveway. awesome.

meanwhile, as i'm getting this accident stuff sorted out i call my parents and tell them what's going on and to go ahead and eat. my dad tells me "well i just told chip (my brother) so i guess i should tell you too... i got fired on friday." needless to say i'm shocked, sad for him, list goes on and on. but i'm also trying to file an accident report. we'd talk about it when i got home.

i get home, open the garage door with my opener only to find that only my mom's sebring is in the garage, but parked right in the middle. this isn't a normal move for my parents. their cars are almost always perfectly strategically parked on their side with just enough room to get out. immediately i'm like "oh my god, they already took the car?" i mean, it was a company car, but come on. it's a car. give a guy some notice. apparently they let him go friday, and had some kid drive him home. needless to say he's shattered. and i can tell. but he won't let on that he is. always trying to be a good example. always trying to tell me that "life goes on..." even when it doesn't seem like it's going to. and i'm here, feeling sorry for myself and almost wanting to walk in the door to my parents house and tell them how unfair life is and cry about all of my problems--because that's just the sort of thing you can do at home--and i look at my dad and i know that my problems are nothing compared to his. and so i immediately became the quiet listener at the party i thought i was going to be the "downer" at.

so this morning my car passed vehicle emissions. haha. i can legally drive again. my parents tried to talk me into staying at the house a few more days, but i told them that this is just something i need to handle and that i can't just run away to mom and dad's for a few days and hope the world's a better place when i return. i have this whole independent thing going on. i'm 25, i have to handle this. i can't expect to just be able to run home every time something hurts. and it's true. but the offer's still on the table, which of course, is comforting. and home's 40 miles away, which too, is comforting. beyond words. because as much as i'm fighting needing it, it's there if i do.

i rediscovered my old cd's this morning. and i guess they're not really that old. i don't know, when i got an ipod (2004) i kind of stopped listening to cd's. it started because i was listening solely to my ipod, then i started to only use itunes, so i'd burn cd's all the time... anyways, i listen to music mostly in the car and i stopped carrying them around. well the other morning i brought them along. and it's been really fun. first i listened to Train - My Private Nation the whole way through. knock them if you want, this is an awesome cd. then i had Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come to Fear the Most in for about a solid week. a very vengeful cd. but so powerful too. the lyrics are amazing, and the beat was just right for last week.

this morning in our hours of errands i put in some new dave matthews (the solo album, and stand up) and spent a good hour with counting crows - august and everything after. GREAT cd. seriously, every track is meaningful and it's the perfect mix of slow and fast. i could go on and on. adam duritz is an incredible writer. i used to keep up a lot more with his blog (he writes all of the time) but i guess i've sort of let that go. until i saw a bulliten that he posted today.

and i swear to god, this happens to me all of the time, but i find something to read that i completely adhere to at the time in my life it happens. like where if it came a week later or a week before i wouldn't feel nearly the amount of appreciation for it that i do when i find it. that's how i felt about this journal entry. that's how i felt about reading Eat Pray Love. and it even sometimes happens with songs. it's a great thing. a great coincidence.

anyways, the things i loved to read this morning from his blog are worth noting.

"I guess you have to make hard choices all the time. Sometimes these dreams you hold on to are just fool's errands you're using to avoid making the hard decisions about other areas of your life. And sometimes the compromises you make are just ways of giving up on your dreams. I used to think I was holding on to rock and roll because I couldn't face dealing with what my life would be like without it. Now it seems like I was just being brave and sticking it out (and I emphasize the word "seems"), but maybe that's just an accident of fate. If we hadn't been successful, maybe I'd just "seem" like one more deadbeat musician right now, someone you're mother wouldn't want you to bring home...as opposed, I suppose (god, that sounds like Dr. Suess), to the dreadlocked musician I am now, who by the way, your mom still don't want you bringing into HER house. "

and the second part:

"The longer your life goes on, the harder the decisions become. Inevitably at some point you're asked to give up something you love for something you love. So, sure, you hope you make the right choice, but there's nothing wrong with giving up something you love for something you love. I mean if you're not willing to sacrifice for the things you love, what kind of as person are you?" --Adam Duritz, Counting Crows

so yeah, anyways... i realize this is probably the longest myspace blog ever. sorry that my life has been that insane. but the good thing is: i came to a realization today, that took me awhile to come to.

that everything i'm going through right now, they're just things. just obstacles. they aren't the end of the world. they seem like it sometimes, but hasn't everything? i remember college graduation seemed like the end of the world. so did high school. so did EIGHTH GRADE. so did moving. the list goes on and on. and so does life.

someone said to me this weekend in regards to their own life something that just rang so true in mine too... "you have to remember that there is a plan. and whatever happens, it happens because it's right. even if it doesn't seem so at the time. trust me, there is a plan."

that is so hard to believe sometimes, but looking back on 25 years i couldn't agree more. i'm in a good spot for the most part, there are things i have to sort out. but who doesn't have things they have to sort out? this too shall pass.

robert frost said that he could sum up what he knows about life in three words, "it goes on." and that it does. and i will be fine.

trust

i'm at work. my mind is everywhere but work. time to write.

the past couple of days have been kind of hard for me. i've been on somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster and i'm trying to sort out my life. i don't know if i'm doing a good job, or not. and i don't know what to do about that either.

it's like i'm, for once in my life, at a loss for words.

in the past few months i've learned a lot about trust. i think it takes me a long time to trust people 100%. but i think i'm pretty trusting as a general rule. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. i like to hope that they have good things to offer me, and aren't going to let me down. sometimes that comes back to haunt me. i don't know if it's just because people think they can take advantage of that, or because people are just people and unfortunately a lot of times, just don't care. but it sucks to be let down by someone you really care about, and even more than that, someone you really trusted.

it's a long recovery process to build yourself back up. that's the hardest part. especially if you're like me. i blame myself for everything. even for things that i know aren't my fault in the least. i can always find some way to tell myself that i'm responsible. i should've done this. i should've said that. i should have followed my instinct.

and a lot of times i fight my gut instinct because i want it to be wrong. i'll have a feeling about something and i won't let it take over me. play it by ear. let things unfold. it's never actually a good idea. your gut instinct is usually right on.

i guess my conclusion is that if people care about you, sincerely care about you, they won't hurt you. and in fact, will do everything in their own personal power to ensure that they don't hurt you. it doesn't happen by accident. if you care about someone, you know your boundaries and i know from being a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a girlfriend at different periods of my life that this is just the unwritten rule. you just don't hurt people you care about. period.

so now where do i stand? in an awkward place. i'm not really sure what to do from here. sometimes when i'm really hurt i feel like running away... just seriously packing up everything i have and getting out of chicago. but then i usually remember everything i have here. sometimes i just want to sleep for a week straight and wake up and hope that the world became a kinder place while i was sleeping. sometimes i get a quick impulse that i want revenge, i want to "get people back." that's usually short-lived though because i don't think there's a point in all of that. and eventually what happens is that i realize that i just need to do my best to wait it out. wait for the calm after the storm. it makes days seem like weeks sometimes and weeks seem like months, but it always works. time heals all things.

lyrics...

My favorite thing lately is just relaxing with wine and listening to itunes on random... And just taking in the lyrics. So tonight I decided that as they hit me, I'm going to write them out. Partially self-healing, I guess. Partially just some music appreciation that I never take the time to write down... and it's the best when it's at random. Songs I forget about that hit me, for whatever reason. There isn't a song in the world that I like that's meaningless... I realized this when I was at Courtney's wedding this weekend, and I heard the most beautiful Father Daughter song I've ever heard. And I thought--why don't I keep track of these things anymore (beyond mentally)...So... here they are... Strong words. Sorry, this is going to be a long post. I'm in a music mood :)

"you know that restaurant on highway one
with the key lime pie, that song, that sand and the sun
where we ran in our barefeet, built a castle on the beach
just the wind, the rocks, the waves, and you and me
I can't go there.
cause that's just too much us.
i can't go there.
i still feel your touch
there's places in my heart and head that feel as empty as our bed
so most nights I don't even walk upstairs
Cause I can't go there..." -Kenny Chesney

"so if it's gotta be you
treat her nice... hold her hand
and tell her twice--that she doesn't have to worry
and it will be alright
See her smiling at him,
that used to be me
and I could find her in a thunderstorm, just by the way that the rain would fall.
And we used to be something
but something happened to me.
oh my god when i was free...
it's a hard way to fall. it's an easy way down.
it's a hard thing to love anyone, anyhow." -Ryan Adams

"i'm lonely, i'm insecure
i'm also guilty and i'm pure
i'm always, i will not stop, i'll hit the ground before the top
i wanna see the color of your skin, so bright
but all i have are photographs of black and white
don't stop loving me tonight
i'll never say forever
i don't believe in things that last
i want to.
can't see through the calm the haze the emptiness
i wanna be the ground when you can't stand
but all i have are letters i won't send
don't stop loving me again" -Blu Sanders

"this new rhythm i pursue
is just my getting over you... telling myself that i need to.
the days are better, the nights are still so lonely." -Train

"the smell of your skin, the taste of your kiss
the way you whisper in the dark
your hair all around me... baby you surround me
and touch every place in my heart.
oh it feels like the first time everytime
i wanna spend the whole night in your eyes." -Lonestar

"i may take a holiday in spain
leave my wings behind me
drink my worries down the drain
fly away to somewhere new..." -Counting Crows

"tell me did you sail across the sun
did you make it to the milky way to see the lights are faded
that heaven is overrated
tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
one without a permanent scar
and then you miss me while
you were looking for yourself out there..." -Train

"there was pain, sunny days and rain
i knew you'd feel the same things
everybody knows... it sucks to grow up
and everybody does.. its so weird to be back here.
let me tell you what--the years go on and we're still fighting it
we're still fighting it
you'll try, and try, and one day you'll fly away from me." -Ben Folds

"i know you're here to catch your breath
but i'm not listening for the right words anymore... i'll take what's left
you're viscious like the blue sky
right before the rain comes pouring through
tell me does he look like me at all?
cause there are an awful lot like you." -Matt Nathanson

"someday i'm gonna run across your mind
but don't worry i'll be fine, i'm gonna be alright
while you're sleeping with your pride, wishing i could hold you tight
i'll be over you and on with my life.
take your records take your freedom, take your memories
i don't need them." -Keith Urban

"i spent days stupid nailed to your floor
and i spent nights pushed against you just trying to keep warm
but you don't know me at all.
show me where the sun comes through the sky
i'll show you where rain gets in and i'll show you hurricanes
the way that summer fades underneath the weight of it all." -Matt Nathanson

"oh here the night it comes again
it's off with the jeans, jacket, and the skirt...
how'd i'd end up feeling so bad with such a little girl
i'll hold you close in the back of my mind
feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt
i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now." -Ryan Adams

"a million to one, outside this
nightblindness--can't see
your bright eyes are what the time is
twenty five past eternity." -David Gray

"i don't think that i could take another empty moment
i don't think that i could fake another hollow smile
well its just not enough just to be lonely
i don't think that i could take another talk about it.
just like me, you've got needs and they're only a whisper away
and we softly surrender to these lives that we've tendered away." -Matchbox 20

"I know there's little use in crying, it's more wide awake and dying
than I'm used to.
I thought we'd walk these streets together
and now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you.
Step aside from all this anger, somewhere in between
I can feel you." -Howie Day

"Stay away from me, I'll be gone soon
it's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
it's nothing that you've done.
You're not the only one. " -Matt Wertz

"our minds pressed and guard while our flesh disregarded the lack of space
for the lighter hearted and the boom that beats our drum
and i know i make you cry
and i know sometimes you wanna die
but do you really feel alive without me" -Damien Rice

"these train conversations passing me by,
and i don't have nothing to say.
you get what you pay for... but i just had no intention of living this way.
i need a phone call
i need a plane ride
i need a sunburn
i need a raincoat
and i get no answers.... and i don't get no change.
it's raining in baltimore baby, but everything else is the same.
there's things i'll remember
there's things i'll forget.
i miss you, i guess that i should." -Counting Crows

my favorite quotes

Just going to randomly make a list of my all time favorite quotes... because I think it's important to share powerful words that others might relate to. This list could get long, but there's a lot of smart people out there.

"It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just... feel like home." -High Fidelity

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that when ever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I saw, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and listen to your heart. The truth is, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try... because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." -Meet Joe Black

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there." -Good Will Hunting

"We don't read and write poetry because its cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering: these are noble pursuits necessary to sustain life but poetry, beauty, romance, love. These are what we stay alive for." -Dead Poets Society

"I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone." -Henry Rollins

"One day logic was proven all wrong because the tide lifted, came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass. And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" -Cast Away

"Anywhere you go, desire is desire. The sun cannot bleach it, nor the tide wash it away." -The Beach"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew." -Henry Rollins
"And me? I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for. Because it's not where you go. It's how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something. And if you find that moment, it lasts forever." -The Beach

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better. " -Henry Rollins

"Trust me--it's paradise for the mind is a generation that circles the globe in search of something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation. Never resist the unfamiliar. Never fail to be polite and never outstay your welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience... And if it hurts...you know what? It was probably worth it.." -The Beach

"Do one thing every day that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to." -Henry Rollins

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." -Maya Angelou

"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define you character." -Henry Rollins

6 months in the city!

it's been quite some time... i know. it's not that i haven't had anything to say, but that i've totally neglected something i love so much: writing. i'm going to get better at that.

i've been in the city 6 months now and i can't believe it. it feels more like home than ever before. i love this city. i never knew if i'd grow totally comfortable with leaving my hometown. i mean i know i'm not far away, but it's really a new life for me. a new chapter. and i couldn't be happier with my decision. it's not forever, but for right now it's great. it's exactly where i want to be at this point in my life. and i feel good about change, for once.

2007 has treated me well. i've kept busy between work, school, and friends, but i like being busy. i still see my parents a lot too. it's nice to have my own place but still be able to go home for a night or a weekend if i need to.

i am taking my first marketing class and i love it. it's bringing out the creative side in my brain again that i've missed so much amongst the medical research i do everyday. don't get me wrong--i really love my job. been there 2 years and i can't believe it. i'm inspired by my coworkers all of the time. but, it's nice to be able to think creatively again, and be encouraged to do so. i love to learn. that's one thing i remember now that i started school. i think i'll be ready to move on from my job when the time is right, but i couldn't have asked for better experience and a hands on education while i'm at work. in a field that i thought i never cared about. i'm going to have to find a career someday that balances helping people with writing. i know it's out there--especially after working in healthcare for 2 years. i never realized how many jobs there are beyond doctors and nurses. you can really help people in so many ways that are indirect, it's unreal. i can't wait for the day i can say that i do that.

i went to visit my grandpa and great aunts over easter in kansas city. it's crazy to see the people that raised your parents needing walkers. i mean i had a few "wow" moments where i just realized--wow, i can't believe that these people i love and respect so much were raised by people whose minds are still there, but bodies are going. it's sad life has to come to an end that way, but my biggest realization was how comfortable they are with it. comfortable accepting help from you, comfortable telling each other "you better use your walker," and joking about needing one in the first place and needing someone to take them around. it's like you don't want to imagine that time in your life coming, but when it does you must be ready. because they seem okay.

i guess it's like anything else. i didn't want to graduate college, now i can't imagine being 22 again. i wouldn't go back if i had the opportunity. i'm just ready for the next step. and i guess that goes on forever, even if you don't think things will change, they always do. adaptation is an interesting thing. it's so amazing how you find your purpose a little more with every day you live. i realize something everyday that i really didn't know the day before, and realize it or not at the time, we're truly always growing just a little bit wiser, in our own ways.

the next stage is always welcomed. and i love where i'm at right now. promise to write more often... here's to 6 months of the big city life from a born and raised suburban girl... ready for the next step.

it's 4:30 am on a tuesday

ok so it's really only 2:30, but i couldn't resist the counting crows lyric. especially since it's tuesday. plus it's probably 4:30 somewhere in the world.

i used to be a lot better at updating this. what can i say? life got busy. that, and 90% of the time i don't want to write unless i'm struck by some sort of realization or idea. consider this one one of those other 10% of the times... because i can't sleep and i figured why not write a little.

things have been good. i'm still loving the city. it's still surprising to me how much more at home i feel now in my apartment than i do at my parent's house. i just spent a couple of nights there and my room just doesn't feel like my room anymore. i mean it does, but it doesn't. i couldn't actually wait to get back here, as much as i like being home. it's a weird transitional thing i guess you could say. but i'm adjusted.

since i last wrote and i was sad, i can honestly say things have gotten 110% better. i'm back to myself and everything. it's weird. i went to the doctor today and she told me that we just get used to medications sometimes. that's probably what happened. she said it's probably not that i've gotten any worse or any of that, but just kind of built up a tolerance to the drug i was on. makes sense to me. in either case, i'm just so glad to be back to feeling like myself. i hated that time period, even though it was only a few weeks. i just remember not wanting to go to work and class and stuff. it just wasn't me. anyways, that's that. no complaints.

work is good. stressful right now, but good. i'm working with bipolar patients, it's really interesting. it really makes you appreciate your own health, too. it's hard to remember how lucky we are but really, talking to some of these people i find myself thinking "i can't believe i was ever complaining about such petty things." it's all relative... i know. but it just sort of hits you hard. i find that my sensitivity has kind of become an issue at work. i mean i know i always joke with people about how i'm sensitive and whatnot, but really, i get very attached to these people. and research is a hard thing becuase the drug companies have really strict criteria for these patients... and a lot don't fit the mold. and it makes me really sad because we attract patients that either don't have health insurance, money, etc, that from my point of view see clinical research as "their last hope" for a couple of reasons: a) they get paid for participating and b) the medication and treatment is free. and then, if they have the slightest exclusion criteria (abnormal labs, 1 point lower than they need to be on a scale, etc) we have to send them home. it just makes me sad to leave them in such a state and say "sorry, but we can't help you because pfizer's criteria is too strict." my boss always reminds me when i get upset that it's okay to have a big heart, but i have to remember my job... and that's research. these people don't expect me personally to save their lives, he says. but i guess i feel like... how do you know? maybe we were their last hope. anyways, i know a lot of that is me, but i just can't help but get attached to some of these people. i wish i was in a position that i could do more. i have to think of the positive, and i know that: the long term results of this project will help more people than not. it's just the short term that's hard to handle. for me anyways. i'm not a psychiatrist that's been dealing with this kind of "letting go" for years, so, i guess it's all a part of my job... becoming desensitized from all of that. but let me tell you, it's harder than it seems.

school is going okay. i'm in accounting, so i kind of feel like it's a little bit of a rut for me. i'm just not interested in it at all. the creative side of my brain sits through tuesday nights saying... what am i doing here? haha. but, just a few more weeks. it's just one of those, just like in undergrad, that you just have to get through. and then you can forget it. next quarter (starting mid feb) i'm taking 2 classes... so i'll be pretty busy. i think i'm ready though. the weather will be nicer and i couldn't really ask for a better walk to school. who can complain about walking down state street in the spring? and i'm actually getting into marketing classes now (finally!) so i think i will be much more interested. i'm excited. i even can find accounting relatively exciting when i understand it... it's just that i don't think my brain was built to understand it. i'm doing my best.

i guess i've sort of turned this entry into a journal type of blog. i usually try to stay away from that... but oh well, i guess everyone needs to find ways to entertain themselves when they can't sleep... right? plus, it's been a month. i promise my next entry will be a lot less about "me." after all, that's what my dad taught me right? (see last post). well, i broke the rules... but just this once.

happy new year!

post holiday reflections and a brutally honest admission

first thing's first: i love christmas. i always will. from the time i was little my mom has made it perfect for us. and it's weird, i'm 25 now, my brother almost 29, and we still feel the magic. i'd say we're pretty lucky. and not just because of the fact that this is our tree and presents, but because we have a family like that. i realize that's rare these days. i realize feeling the magic of christmas as an adult is something that should be appreciated.

we were reading a letter on the fridge from my dad's aunt lynne... and she included one of those holiday newslettters--only hers was so poetic. she used the seasons as a metaphor for life, explaining that her and her husband were in the "autumn" of their life, while the grand kids were an everlasting "spring." etc. it really inspired me. it's rare that my parents will tell me to read one of those letters, but they told me to read that one. and after doing so, he told me something like... "this is my one tip on writing amy, it should contain a lot less of the i." and i immediately went upstairs and got on my computer because i was inspired to write something of my own to the people in my life, on christmas day. so, i composed an email, and just for saving sake, i'll post it here... so here's what i sent out this year:

"I don't know if this happens in everyone's family, but it certainly happens in ours--those inserts that come inside the Christmas cards, usually about a page or two full of updates on the past year's activities for every family--our kids are doing this... here's what happened with our jobs... we bought a house... etc.

Well, my dad always says that his general rule about writing something like that is that it should contain a lot less of the "I."

He's right, and not only that, but he says that, and feels that way, because of something people love most about him--he's incredibly selfless. And for that reason, and the fact that I look up to those traits in both of my parents, I'm going to follow his rule about writing Christmas reflections... (How about that, Dad? Me following YOUR writing rules!! Who would have thought? :) )

Anyway, I'll skip the updates, the yearly review of what's occured in Amy's life... because that is not what Christmas is about, is it?

It's a reflection point, one day a year where you're really truly surrounded by people who love each other and have a much needed break from work, but more importantly, from life. And it's a lot more than ribbons and bows, than santa claus and reindeer, than the pine tree you spent hours perfecting... it's about love and faith and believing and appreciating how truly lucky we are to have each other and to be alive.

And so for that reason, I just wanted to drop you all a note on Christmas Day and let you know how thankful I am to have you in my life. I don't know what point it happens when all of the sudden opening presents becomes less, and having each other becomes more, but I'm certainly glad that it does.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your time with your family and friends. It's easy to forget what's important sometimes in the daily grind of life... but thank goodness for Christmas Day.

Love Always,
Amy"

i got a lot of nice replies from family and friends, and so for that reason, i was really glad that i did it. expression is always a powerful thing, and i'm glad i'm able to piece together what i want to say sometimes. i'm lucky in that aspect. i brought a printed copy down to my dad and made him read it on christmas morning... i could tell he was choked up a little, but the good kind of choked up, you know? i guess i can't emphasize how much happiness it brings me to tell someone directly what they mean to you... and what better time for something like that, than christmas time?

so, the holidays were good. more than good. i have a strong family and i'm very lucky for that.

okay, now the brutally honest admission. i was hesitant to write about this publically... just because sometimes i don't know if i am too honest. but just now as i was laying in bed i thought to myself... what is it about writing that helps me? the fact that other people read it. what is it that people love about postsecret? the fact that other people read it. that they're getting something off their chest... so what am i so worried about when i have problems that i want to write about? that people will think differently of me? well, if they do, i don't care about that.

so anyway i think i've encountered some form of clinical depression. it's really scary, because a) it's really new and b) people whom i haven't said a word about it to (i.e. work, parents, friends) have noticed a change in me. in other words, i know it's not just me. as for what it's from, i don't totally know. my parents and i are trying to seek out my health history from my biological parents, i think that's the first step. i probably should have done that when i started having panic attacks, but i guess i thought it would stop there. and it did, for a year and a half, but now this. i work with psychiatrists, so they basically told me they have noticed a change in me, and in a friendly polite way, let me know they were worried. so, that was kind of my wake up call. it's weird, when i notice a change in myself, i'm always like - eh, it's just mental... i'll be fine. but when someone else says it, it really puts you in your place.

i was put on medicine like a year and a half ago for panic attacks. looking back, i still can't trace it as to why those happened... i mean, i was stressed in school and stuff, but nothing abnormal. i have no choice but to assume it's genetics. i can't help but wonder if i've gained a tolerance to an SSRI and that's why i'm suddenly feeling "imbalanced" or whatever. but it could be a lot more too. i guess in many ways i've taken on a lot in the past year--grad school, my job's increasing difficulty, and a lot tighter financial situation than when i was living at home. so i have added stresses as well... who knows what i can attribute this change to? i don't. but i do know this: i'm so thankful that i'm able to see that something's up, and that i have the support i need to get over this roadblock. i will, and i will get back to being myself. i've been down this road before with the anxiety, so, i can handle this too, whatever it is.

but for the record, i still keep things in perspective. i do know how lucky i am, even if i'm a little down right now. i still know that i have a good life, and i'm going to get my optimism back.

i feel a little better now. hopefully i can sleep.

i hope everyone had a merry christmas...

2 years? Really, 2 years?

as of 1 hour ago, i am officially 25 years old. 25. i remember when that meant that you were... old.

now people are trying to convince me that i'm still young.
i'll take it.

anyways, i thought about this older blog of mine today: http://amyj28.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_amyj28_archive.html becuase for some strange reason i remember the title of it all the time when I think about my birthday. and today i realized... wow, i need 2 boxes of candles now. where did the time go?

i mean i'm obviously using candles as an analogy, who cares, they're a dollar a box right? and whos really going to notice that one extra from the new box?

but i just don't feel like that was two years ago. time is starting to really fly. everyone told me it would. and i guess i didn't believe them until about 73 minutes ago when i reread that blog. wow. 2 years ago i was getting ready to graduate college. i found myself asking... was that really two years ago?

and i started to think about the present... the things that have happened in the past two years of my life.
the things that have changed.
the places i've lived, the things i've accomplished, the things i've failed to accomplish yet.
and the people i've been lucky enough to keep around, all this time.

i love reflection points.

a lot of times they happen for me on birthdays or new years--it's like a little unannounced marking point in life where you actually remember where you were at this point last year... and it's kind of sanitizing in a way to look at your life in hindsight and realize what you've done with it.

what a sustaining thing to be able to do.

i mean we all know we can't change the past... but we can certainly always improve upon our past. better ourselves, better the world, and better the people around us.

i know my life motto might change from time to time, but my newest thing that i think about always is how important it is to leave your mark on this world. i mean, it doesn't have to be a monument in DC, it doesn't have to be handprints in hollywood, or even your name being published somewhere in some small town newspaper. i mean, leave a piece of your character in whatever way you know best. maybe it's by telling unforgettable jokes. maybe it's by writing a bestselling novel, or maybe it is by becoming a senator or a moviestar... that's up to each one of us. all i know is this: there's no better time than now to start leaving a mark.... and the thing is, we probably all already are, without even knowing it.

it's been a wonderful year once again, and i'm extremely thankful for my family and friends, who honestly, help me through every hard day, and even every easy day, just by taking my mind off the daily grind. i can't imagine my life any differently than it is at this point, and i know i'm so lucky for that. and to be loved. and remembered on my birthday.

here's to twenty-five wonderful years.

six weeks in the city

i need to get better at writing more.

i guess in a way it's a good thing, it means nothing has been overwhelmingly driving me insane, but i also realize it's just as important to write about the good as to write about the bad. it's just easier to write about the bad, for some reason. maybe that's why i like sad music. whos to say?

well, i've been downtown for 6 weeks now and i really couldn't be happier. living by myself is... great. having something to call my own is great. having about 75% of my best friends within 2 miles is great. seriously, i saw 5 friends in the course of two days this weekend. i had three over! that didn't happen that much when i lived at home since everyone was moving down here... and we're all pretty busy. anyways, it's really great to see more of the people i love. and i still see my parents somewhat often too. close enough to everything. and i'm falling in love with my
neighborhood a little more every day. life has really been good to me.

i'm really grateful that i've stayed in touch so well with my friends from high school. we're incredibly close, it's really an amazing thing. we're there for each other at the drop of a hat. and when i think about the fact that we've been friends for ten years it blows my mind. anyways, they make me so happy and i'm so glad to have them in my life. so glad.


i finished up my first class, still waiting on my grade. as of this tuesday i'll be starting two new ones, so i'm going to be pretty busy. taking one class wasn't too tough, but taking two is going to be tougher. not only that, but we're really picking things up at work and taking on two clinical studies instead of one. i pretty much have my hands full with the heart disease and depression study, and now we're adding a bipolar one that requires a lot of attention. so needless to say, i'm going to be pretty booked, but it will all be worth it. i really like learning i've realized, both at school and at work. i can't even believe i've been at loyola a year and a half. i was filling out my paperwork today for medical insurance, etc. and i was like "wow, i can't believe it's time to do this already." time flies. i've made friends there though and more importantly, i think i've established myself as capable of my career which took awhile. it's hard to convince doctors that you can do clinical research when you have a bachelor of arts. it took awhile, but they trust me now and see that i'm keeping up with everything, and really learning my job inside and out. so that feels good. one of the residents wrote me an email friday just letting me know i was doing a really good job. it honestly made my day. i think too often at work and in life we're so quick to criticize, but not nearly as quick to compliment. i appreciated getting a thoughful email for once instead of a technical one. it was a nice break from the normal routine.

i'm almost 25. pretty crazy, just a few more weeks! i don't feel 25. i guess i don't know what 25 is supposed to feel like, but i know i still feel young. most of the time anyways. sometimes i think about the fact that some of my friends are married and whatnot, and i mean i guess everyone is different, but i just think for me personally, i'm still trying to figure out my life. and not that i've had the opportunity to get married or anything haha... but like what i'm saying is i think i need to finish school, establish myself in my career, figure out where i want to live, and figure out what's important to me in life. i mean i'm half there, but i'm not all the way there. i can't imagine being married right now personally, just because of that. i'm still pretty independent as far as my thinking goes. at the same time, i'm really happy for all of my friends that are married/engaged. they're all really great couples that compliment each other. and they're all at that place in their life as well. i'm just not at all. but that's okay. people progress differently i guess.

i'm so excited the holidays are coming! i love christmas and thanksgiving. i love getting together with my family and how everything is so traditional... i can't wait to get out the christmas music, see downtown become ready for the holidays, see the lights downtown naperville, go shopping for my family and friends... put a little tree up in my place. i can't wait. the holidays make me so happy! it's like the time of year you set aside to remember what's important to you. and you forget about work, and the hecticness of everyday life and just enjoy your family and your company. i'm so glad it's coming.

winter... is another story. i hate being cold. :) but it's worth it for christmas. that's all for now. just an update. really, i'm going to start writing more. but, things are going great and i love you all.

long overdue.

so... where to start?

clearly i haven't been a good writer lately. writers need to keep up with their writing. and i haven't. but, my life has been crazy! anyways... let's see, a lot has happened.

first, austin texas. austin city limits. wow. kones and i had the time of our lives i'm pretty sure. austin is an amazing, amazing town. i felt so at home there. i really left saying - i could totally live here. it's so welcoming, and the town is energetic, musical, what more can you really ask for? anyways, good times all around. loved it. so glad i went.

i started grad school and i'm so happy with it... i feel smarter just by going to class. it's weird, it's so different than undergrad. i mean, people are just really intelligent, educated, involved, it's just something i'm not used to. i'm feeling good about it. i actually changed my degree to a dual degree, so i'll end with a masters in science and an mba... why not right?

work is good. not much has changed.

allison is getting married! my first purdue friend. aww. i'm happy for her. her and her husband are great together. soulmates, there's no doubt in my mind.

alright - next -- I MOVED DOWNTOWN!! only been here about 3 days, but loving it so far. loving the independence, the "having my own place" just everything. it's great. i love my neighborhood from what i know so far, i love being closer to my friends, i love it all. i thought i was going to be more emotional about my parents than i am. i mean, i really miss them, but i love having a place that is "mine." it's so exhilirating? i think thats the right word.

saw matt nathanson tonight. you know what? thats what made me write tonight first of all. secondly, i was thinking when he was singing because he really means it when he sings (and you can always tell) that he's thinking of someone. like, he wrote each song for someone. and i bet when he sings he thinks of them. the same way the rest of us, as part of being human, always have someone in mind during a love song. and no matter the year, the time, the place, what in your life has changed, that song comes on... and it brings you back. music is so amazing that way. it connects people. it's like we all have similar life experiences that we don't talk about, we don't publicize, but, you hear a song, and the whole crowd is kinda like "i understand, i've been there too." it's a great thing. i love anything that strangers bond over without saying a word.

anyways, promise to resume my writing more. i feel like this was way too long of a blog, and in order to avoid that, i need to keep this up.

in short, life is good. and i'll write soon.

new years resolution updates

awhile ago, i wrote some new years resolutions. i figure it's overdue, i missed the halfway through the year point, so i thought i'd do an update now... figure out where i need to be by 2007. so here they are, and here goes.

to stop obsessing over things that i really need to get over. to worry about my life, my own life, and to get over the past. to look to the future more. that's a big one for me.
i really think i've made great progress with this one. the way i used to let people get to me doesn't happen as easily anymore. i've kinda moved forward. there are some things you always hold on to, but i think that is ok.

to take this dang gmat and get my loyola application in. done and done!

to get a promotion, or a payraise, or both at work at my review this june. raise in July!

to continue to be a good friend and a good daughter to the best of my ability. Certainly hope so

to pay off my car. DONE

to keep paying off my credit cards. Getting better all of the time.

to figure out where i want to live, and once i do that (and my car is paid off) to get my own place. DONE! yes!

to visit Anne in New York and Lindsey in LA with my vacation time. Hopefully with friends!! Iss, Janna, Lisa, Konah...that's you guys! Visited both!

to keep the same relationship with my college roommates and my high school friends that i have right now. I think things get better all of the time.

to always make time for my friends--no matter how busy i might feel. there are always more important things. This isn't even an issue for me. Hands down, friends first. Always.

to write more. to read more books. to do more. to travel. Write enough, could read more, wish I could afford to travel more. Although, I guess I am going on some trips.

to get a healthier lifestyle--exercise, eat more wholesomely... in other words, less pizza, more chicken. less cookies, more apples. Shoot.

to give back. someway, somehow. and i don't mean just donating money. to actually physically do something for a good cause. I've been participating in walks and stuff like that, painted some Chicago schools with Janna. I realize I could be doing way more, and I'd like to.

to always remember how lucky i am. even on my worst days. I think I do.

to get one of my postcards on http://postsecret.blogspot.com I better keep submitting! Not yet!

to make someone's day. to make a lot of people's day. Hope so.

to not forget a single birthday of anyone i know. to make their birthdays great. All over it.

i'd like a boyfriend--but i'm not going to get down on myself if i don't accomplish that. i think that has to sort of just happen. but let's just say i hope it happens to me :) Still working on it!!

to tell people what they mean to me rather than just thinking it all the time. to put my feelings on the table. i just think you never know when you can make someones day, or even save someones life. i think everyone has more going on than we sometimes realize. it's too easy to take people for granted. I really hope I do this.

to be a little more outgoing. stop hiding so much. stop being so shy. reach out to new people! I think I am less shy than I used to be.

make friends at work, school, etc. Eh, kinda :)

to really and truly, fully believe in myself. I do about 95% of the time.

to have another great year. to be my best. So far, So good

i feel like i should have written this.

great song.

now your path and mine
they never seemed to converge
and now i sat here in god knows where
with a mouth full of words

well they just sound like noises
if you say them enough
it was all such a long time ago.
now, was it though?

----

it's time to drag myself home
and to wonder just why
i still think of you now
only as you were then
but it was all such a long time ago

now was it though....?

finally, a comparison

it's been a bit since i've written. this is usually due to a lack of subject matter. this time however, it was due to a lack of the right words. i've been thinking, hard, but i've been unable to sort everything out. and for some reason tonight, it all made sense.

cast away was on abc tonight. i usually hate watching movies on tv because of the commercials, but i really had nothing better to do, so i watched it (for the third or fourth time). at the end of the movie, i realized that it was exactly what i needed to see to say what i've been wanting to say, right. i love the end of this movie - because it's sad but more importantly, it's very real. this man is away on an island for seven years, and a smaller-than-wallet-sized picture is keeping him alive. for seven years, that was the only hope he had, that little picture. and i'm sure in the back of his mind he thought that one day he'd get home and things would pick up just where they left off. that's what it feels like when you're away.

the truth is people move on. she moved on. he was there on an island waiting to go home to the woman he loved, and when he got home, she had a husband, and kids. and still loved him. but had a new life now. it makes sense, you have to move on. you can't just pause your life in hopes that some miracle will happen. and maybe it will. but you can't count on it.

i related to this whole aspect. when the only thing you know that is real is far away. and you hold on to it and expect time to just freeze, right there, right where you left off. stop at that hug before they get on a plane. and pick up with another hug when they get off a few years later. and for a long time, for years, i've really truly believed and convinced myself that this is what happens. it hit about a week ago that it's actually not at all. that people have to go on with their own lives, and that people are different. i mean, some are able to do that easier. some are able to just say, ok, next chapter, let's go! it's good. it's healthy. but it's hard to accept.

and i guess saying you've been forgotten is a little too harsh. and to say you've been replaced is kind of the same. it's not that. it's just realizing you're not part of someone's immediate life anymore. and you know for a fact they didn't mean any harm by it, it was just natural, part of human existence. your immediate life becomes your surroundings, and well, when you're not in any sort of proximity with someone anymore, it's hard to remember that they once were. it's so human.

at the end of the movie he wants to be with her and then theres a second where he realizes that she has to go home. she has a husband inside, and children. and they love each other, but she has to go home. and he lets her walk inside, and he drives away.

and then later, talking to a friend he explains what went on on that island. he explains why he stayed alive. and this is what hit me.

"And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

that's what i need to do too. i need to, upon this realization, keep breathing. i need to let go. to take over my own life. i know it's going to take time, but i know what i have to do. and after all, i'm only 24... i have a lot of life ahead of me. tomorrow, the sun will rise. who knows what the tide could bring in?

save your breath

pretty night tonight. clear out, a good driving night. music and windows down make me think of high school, and having nothing else to do but picking each other up to drive around. and it was fun. so fun. those were the days...
so i got to thinking as i heard these lyrics (i think this song is so beautiful):

Will you hop a train to anywhere?
it sure ain't no place like home,
where there are no strangers--
only people you don't wanna know...
but before the crying out loud,

Save your breath for the laughing out loud, again
Save your breath, for the talking all night, oh
Save your breath for the laughing out loud, ah
Save your breath

So meet me by the station,
and bring a change of heart
And smile away the old country as we watch it disappear
And pull these years apart.
And scatter from the window
to settle on the fields
And tell yourself a hundred times that forever starts today
And think how good it feels....

To save your breath for the laughing out loud--
Save your breath, for the talking all night.

i don't know. i just started to think about the way we used to talk. i mean we'd talk all night. we'd sit at omega or bakers square over coffee, or in a garage or on a back porch over beer, and we would talk...all night. and we never ran out of conversations. and i guess i don't know for sure because we were sixteen and whatnot, but i really don't think our conversations were ever fake or boring either. they were always so real. or i guess, seemed so real. that doesn't happen anymore. it doesn't feel like it anyways.

i mean i guess we progressed to the bars, and it's just kind of a different scene. harder to talk. that, and i think people kinda go their own ways when they go away to college, and come home grown up. like this little piece of you hangs on to those late nights on back porches and in coffee shops and all the places you hope stay in your town forever... but you're really kinda leading your own life now. life's so funny. it seems like you'd feel changes like that, but you absolutely don't.

then one day you look back. and no matter how happy you are with your present life, you always miss the way things were. and you can never go back. those words ring true now, my dad used to always say it to me "you can never go back amy." and i thought he was just being a dad. and now, what i feel is twenty-four years young, while what i know is, he was right.

you can't ever go back.

could you tell me why you're leaving

when you disappear on me
it's just like parades in the rain
and everytime i see you
you just disappear again

every time you're leaving...
i don't know what to say
i wanna see this whole town go away

so could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know why it has to be so
could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know i don't know i don't know

all these ending love songs come into my eyes
but every time i see you i'm alive.
i'm alive.

so could you tell me why you're leaving?
cause i don't know why it has to be so.
could you tell me why you're leaving
cause i don't know i don't know
i don't know...

wait out the days

i know i've said this before but i'm going to say it again anyways. because it's something i really feel, and really believe in. it's rare in life, in my life anyways, that i feel someone i have a real connection with.

someone you can talk to for hours. someone who knows you. likes you. doesn't want you to be any different. someone who wants to go somewhere a little bit quieter to talk. someone who wants to catch the sunset. would go out of their way in life to make sure that you never got hurt and were having a good time. who has the same amount of fun sitting in the grass talking about life or having a couple of beers somewhere... who you can tell genuinely cares about you. and you can tell because you can feel it. it's past words. it's way past sciences of any sort. you can actually feel it. and it feels like home.

i don't know a lot of people like that. i really don't.

it's like there's always something in the way. not enough depth. too much insecurity. too many twisted priorities. but when you know that you have that connection with someone, it's always there.

and it always happens to me that just when i realize how much i care about someone, or maybe not realize it but rather remember it, then they have to go away. just when you remember how good it feels, its over. so you're stuck with the same old sad love songs and overused cliches about how life goes on, and you know there's nothing you can do other than to let time do it's magic, by gradually and graciously reminding you that it's not the end of the world, and you're going to be ok. this too shall pass.

but now, for awhile, you're a little less whole. your house is a little more lonely. your car seems to be lacking conversation, and your bed just feels a little empty.

and for awhile, it always happens this way, these little instances, like shadows, they follow you. and i mean, they're good... like shadows of good times, and reminders of places you've been and things you've talked about. a song you heard, a road you drove down, a color you maybe wore, but for awhile, they just don't leave you alone. and everywhere you go, you're reminded that you're really missing something that's a part of you all of the time, everywhere you go. you're never 100% anymore.

it's so damn hard.

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that."

hanging on

if it means anything, i'm glad i met you. if for nothing else, than to provide some sort of inner glimmer of hope inside of myself, something that tells me that people like you exist. something that reminds me what it's like when someone cared for you at one point and how good that feels. something that keeps love alive. at least for me.

and maybe it means i'll keep those hours we spent together too close. maybe it means i'll hold on to them too long--whos to say? but it makes me whole. it's something i'll never be able to explain to anyone else, because it's just that deep inside of me. but really, it makes each song a little better, each bad day a little lighter, and each minute a little less lonely... so i don't mind.

___
Lastly...

"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to." - Marilyn Ferguson

from two great songs

this afternoon with you felt something like a letter
the kind that someone writes but never sends
and when you're good to me
it makes me blue because someday it's gonna end.
-Ryan Adams, Friends

it hasn't felt like this before
it hasn't felt like home before you
and i know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
and i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could
i can't get my mind off you
and i hate the phone
but i wish you'd call...
-Joshua Radin, The Fear You Won't Fall

and i wish it was a small world...

where do i even start? i've been internet deprived for a week, because i was visiting lindsey in LA. the thing is, i didn't care about the internet persay, or my email, but there were times i was like "dang , i really need to be writing right now. this is going to be some good material" and i just can't do the pen and paper thing anymore. so now i have my chance.

it's 2 am here, so that's midnight california time. my flight got in around 11. i don't know what it is about that place that gets me so emotional. i mean, maybe i do. but, on the plane i just started to feel really sad. not sad to be coming home. not sad to be in my own bed, and go to work tomorrow. but it's just that i saw a lot of really good friends whom i LOVE to be around, and i see them every couple of years. and i guess, this may be thinking too hard, but i can't help but wish we could all live near each other while we're still young. before people get married and have families and getting together just gets that much harder. and i know in a few days i won't feel like this. it's just the initial shock of leaving that behind me. and that some of my best friends live as far from me as they possibly could in the united states. i just wish i could spend more time with them.

and for a second, i believed i could. i mean, sometimes i'll have these really irrational thoughts like - whats keeping me in chicago? my job? my family? what if i didn't catch that plane home? what if i decided to just not go in tuesday morning? i'm not going to get arrested or anything. i think irrationally like that. then, once i landed here in chicago i remembered how much i like being here. and i know in a few days, when i'm back to my routine everything will make sense again. i'm just caught in a moment.

i love the song "raining in baltimore" because i think it captures everything i'm talking about with one simple line... "and i wish it was a small world." because i really do wish that. i wish i could see the people that i love to see every single day.

we all make our own lives, and carry on though. because that's what we have to do. and i know it's not that people forget about each other, it's just that the more time that goes on, the more preoccupied you get with things that are part of your everyday routine, and the farther in hindsight things from the past can get. even if they still mean a lot to you, they don't affect you every day. i'm no different. i have a routine. i wake up, i work, i commute home, i run errands, i go out on the weekends, and i do it again. that is my life. but, while it doesn't make much sense to dwell on the past, i can't help but to do that sometimes. i miss the simpler times. and the more you dwell on the past, the more you tangle yourself this little web of confusion. it's so much smarter to just live in the here and now. let things happen. and while i know that....easier said than done.

it's incredible how someone can impact your life so much. that years later, conversations are still easy. that for whatever reason in this world, in this lifetime, there are people that you just connect with. and that connection never goes away. no matter how far you live from each other, no matter how many years its been.

and you know that no one else will ever totally understand that connection. like, you can explain it forever and ever. but they'll never totally "get it." it's something that goes on between two people. or to quote high fidelity... it's a mystery of human chemistry and i don't understand it, but some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home.

i can't think of a better way to put it.

and so yes, i'd like to see those people all of the time. but i wouldn't trade the fact that when i do run into them it feels like yesterday, for anything in the entire world.

i had a great weekend. i learned a lot about myself, and a lot about these ghosts in my past that i just seem to hang on to. i learned why i do that. and i learned that it's ok. and i feel relieved. and proud of myself too. and i'm glad to be back home and back to my own life, after figuring a lot of things out. now, i just hope i can sleep.

i'll write soon.