such is life

as usual i've found myself overwhelmed with emotions lately. i've always been emotional--and by that i don't mean the type that cries at movies. but i think too much.

i had a really good weekend. friends from out of town came in and really the best parts about it were when were were doing nothing at all. life's so strange that way. how many hours of my life have i spent making really extravagent plans and when do the best things happen? when you've planned nothing at all. when you're least expecting them to. i wonder why that is.

growing up isn't horrible except that you can't do what you want to all the time anymore. that freedom sort of leaves, like the spontaniaty of it is gone because you have a pretty set schedule. sometimes i think it would be nice to just pack a little bag of things and go, just go, and figure out your destination later. but those days really are gone.

i had a quote in my AIM profile for a long time about how everyone's always in such a hurry to grow up and then when you turn 23 and start working full time all you want to do is go back to the days where you can be young. it's so true. i remember never being "old enough." always wanting just a little bit more freedom, and now, looking back,. i'd give anything in the world to be nineteen again. but i suppose that's all part of the plan.

in any case, i know great people and i'm a lucky girl and this weekend really made me realize how much i enjoy and appreciate my life.

Thanks.

this weekend i had a little get together, a bbq with some cocktails... i pretty much invited everyone i stay in some sort of contact with. that contact varies. either we run into each other sometimes and say we should hang out more, or we talk every day, or we used to talk everyday. so, the turnout was interesting.

it was what would be considered a random mix to most people, because they were from all different parts of my life, but to me it was just really refreshing. to see who cared enough to show up. i know obligations happen and not everyone can be there, and i understand that. it's just really great to see a lot of people i sort of expected to not come, to come. and not just to come over, but to welcome my parents back and chat with them, bring cards and bottles of wine. i was looking out the window at one point and just noticing how polite everyone was being and i thought to myself... i know some really awesome people.

i woke up today and i just felt tired, but i felt good. like almost satisfied, i guess. everything just went so great. it's so interesting in life how things just work out. how a year ago the crowd at my house would have been a totally different crowd, but how i'm so very happy with the crowd that it was. i really enjoy my life, i really do. i think i'm extremely fortunate and i hope i do my part in giving back to all of these people that just by being them, make me so much more myself. if that makes any sense whatsoever.

thanks everybody for being a part of my life.
i know that's really deep and stuff, but i really mean it.
i'm who i am because i know all of you. and i love being able to be who i am without any falsities or insecurities. i have you all to thank for that. in the process of 23 years i think i've stumbled upon who are my real friends and my friends for life and i'm so incredibly happy with the turnout. love you all.

ramblings

this weekend driving konah's car back from purdue, because my battery died, because i left the glove compartment open... i found myself beginning to really feel sorry for myself. we've all done it. the whole "my life couldn't be any worse." and then i took a moment to realize, wait, what am i talking about? i just had an amazing weekend with amazing friends--one of whom knew i needed to be home so bad that she didn't even hesitate to let me take her car home. what in the world is so bad about someone with that life?

i do it sometimes. i'll start to feel bad for myself. and convince myself i have it worse than everyone else... and i think it used to last, but now it's almost like i catch myself, like "shut up amy! you are damn lucky and you know it..." just a thought.

you know i miss school, but it's so different. i mean it's still fun, same familiar places, but for me it's missing a lot of familiar faces... it's just someone else's school now and i can respect that. i had 4 great years there. i'm glad someone else gets to too.

it's just sad how life changes. i know i've said that before. but i mean the way you picture your life 10 years ago is always different than it is... and that wouldn't be such a bad thing if we never lost people along the way, you know?

i've found though, and maybe i'll keep finding, but that if you do everything in your power to hold on to someone in life and they still resist, that you just have to kinda live through the memories. and it's sad. sometimes i'm not ready to give up yet... but it's just that you can't make somebody love you. you can't make somebody more like you, in that they care more, in that they try. you can't change people. so you give your all and make yourself someone good to be around, and you live your life. and that is all you can do... and maybe, just maybe, that's why we're here, and that's why life holds so many little surprises along our journey. to keep the faith that things are still possible.

it's my life

i've had one of those days today where i'm not completely myself... where i almost get ahead of myself and then it's like, wait, did that really just happen? but it did...
it's kinda crazy, i don't really think i have a temper, but i do get upset really easily sometimes. i wish i wasn't that way. i wish i could walk away from an argument and return to it later, clear-minded... i just wasn't built like that.

what i always think when i'm starting to get upset about something someone did or said to me though, is, once i've calmed down some i think... why do i care? why do i care what they think of me and what they say to me? this is my life! i have a lot of great people in it who love and care for me.. a lot that wouldn't say such things to me... so when someone does, why care?

i don't know, i guess i'm fragile. i think most everyone's fragile. it's really easy to get hurt because you have to perform every day, and no matter what happened the day before you have to hold your head high and your shoulders tall and live out the day. especially in the working world. it's strictly business when you're at work. they don't know your friends, they don't know your family. they know you have a job to do regardless of what on earth happened on your way to work... and that's hard sometimes. it's not like college where you can just skip a class and take a breather and talk it out with your friends. you have to walk tall, even if you feel small.

love

there are a lot of people that i know that i wish would learn how to love people more.

searching

"Was trying to find me something but I wasn't sure just what
Funny how they say that some things never change"

seriously... i don't know what it is with me being in a car and having the windows down and the sunroof open, with music, that just moves me to this place where music hits me that much harder... but i was doing this last night...on the way home from the mall. and it was a perfect night, seventy and breezy, no humidity for miles...and something about the sky being visable while music is playing i guess, i don't know... anyway, this line particularly hit me and i thought - need to remember to write about that tomorrow. so here i am.

feels like i'm always searching, you know.. .and ryan pins it perfectly because i'm never sure what i'm looking for. so you wonder how you know when you'll find it. i don't even mean just like finding the person you want to marry either, but finding your place, your niche... all that good stuff. does it just set in one day... who knows.

oh my sweet carolina... what compels me to go...
oh my sweet disposition....may you one day carry me home

truths

i know that the reason i wear my grandmother's perfume isn't because i like the smell...but because i didn't cry enough when she died. i know that i hold on to fictional nothings because i'm so entirely scared of being by myself forever. i know that the reason i stay up so late at night is because i can't accept that i'm not perfect. i know that there are a lot of things i probably should have let go of years ago that i still can't let go of. i know that i frame pictures so that i don't forget that people love me. i know that i will not be okay for a long time after my parents pass away. i know that in my life, i have certainly overreacted to some situations that i will never be humble enough to apologize for. i know that right now i think i've corrected myself but in ten years i'll think i was stupid right now. i think that when i get everything right, it will be too late to use it.

my space

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moments that changed me

i've had this idea for the past few days, because i'm thinking about all these life altering moments that made me ultimately who i am today... and i figured, why not list them? why not put them down? so here goes nothing.

olive garden, 1990, dallas, texas. the table gets awkwardly silent all too quickly after my brother mutters the words, "so what if we do move to chicago?" and prior to this i had no idea. i thought that the rest of my 10-year old career would continue on good old 2028 robin hill lane, i thought i'd perfect my skills as a swimmer, grow old with my next door neighbor and childhood best friend jen. all of that changed at that very moment. my dad got a promotion...and we were moving to chicago.

woodstock illinois, 2000. it's our senior year logos retreat for my high school. the room is dark and i'm surrounded by about 50 of my graduating class peers whom prior to this trip, most were strangers. candles are lit up front and a voice starts to read a letter, "dear amy..." a letter from my dad exemplifying his pride in me, but even more measurable, his sadness to see me go. a letter that has, to this day, never left my mind even for an hour of the day.

rachelle's house, 2000. me and my best friends are sitting in a garage over bud light bottles and cigarette smoke. the following morning, anne was leaving for college. we'd spent the past days, weeks even, dreading this very moment, when the first person had to leave this town we'd all grown to know and love, and our lives would be forever different. we cried, we told, we exchanged sad sillent moments until the sun rose.

august 2000. my parents are dropping me off at college. we arrive early, bring up loads of things, meet my new roommate, and take a walk around the campus. i remember asking if i would ever know my way around there, and if purdue west was in walking distance (which it most certainly was). afterwards, we have dinner, and we pull up to merideth hall, my home for the next year. i knew i had to go in. mixed feelings--excitement for a new place, sadness for leaving the old one and my parents. i acted excited, but i was hiding something. i was scared. the last thing i said to them was "i can't wait to meet new people." complete lie. i hugged my parents goodbye, both of them crying, i fought my tears and put on a front of excitedness and happiness. i turned around and walking back i cried the hardest i've ever cried in my life. that whole night.

room 2-1 in the alpha gamma delta house, purdue university, 2003. my dad's been unemployed for a year and is starting to get down on himself some. i get a phone call while im sitting at my desk telling me he's accepted a job and my parents will be moving to california. i cried for 3 straight hours. not because i would be going, not because i would have to change schools, but because the house i grew up in was going to be someone else's and my parents were going to be 2000 miles away.

dining room, alpha gamma delta, january 2004. it's annual recruitment. but it's our senior year. for the past 3 years i've watched people sit on the stairs and cry with their pledge class, each year, understanding a little bit more about why. now it's our year. i read a letter that i wrote about the last 3 years of my life. prior to this, never realizing the importance. but the combination of expressing everything i felt about the past three years as well as being surrounded by what i knew to be my best friends, while waving goodbye to something so fulfilling and welcoming... well, it was hard.

december 2004. a short moment. sitting in the car with my dad while he's about to drive me back to purdue because i'd just been in a really serious car accident and no longer had a car. he expresses his concerns to me and actually uses the phrase, "you are my life." i can still hear how it sounds.

december 2004. picking up the last things i had in apartment 8 on 305 n salisbury. i had just graduated college. my roommates were all gone. we'd spent the last night drinking 25 cent beers, crying, and eating delivery mexican food and drinking boxed wine after the bars. we spent the last week knowing we had to go. i grabbed my bag, i headed for my car, looked one more time over the now empty apartment, seemed impossible it was over, shut the door, locked the door and headed on my way. i dropped off our apartment keys wtih tears in my eyes. got into my car and knew that the minute i ramped on to that highway 65 my life would be completely changed as i knew it. purdue would be completely changed as i knew it. this chapter was over. bittersweet cause though i knew my friendships with my roomates would last a lifetime, a sadness because our college lifestyle, our four years, was up.


...to be continued.

a different sort of survey

sorry. nothing to write about lately--at all. i guess that's good, it means nothings wrong. it's weird, sometimes my thoughts are turned on, sometimes completely off. anyways, found this fun blog today: www.papertowel.org

she had a survey on there and, for lack-of-posting-lately reasons, i decided to fill it out on here.

1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what’s the first thing you look at?
my hair also, to see if it's being normal for the day or not. and to see if a ponytail is necessary.

2.How much cash do you have on you?
six dollars

3.What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?
probably zest, like the soap
hahah

4.Favorite plants?
oh okay, i'm just learning about plants. just bought some calililies for my room. i have no idea if that is how you spell that. remember i'm just learning?

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
haha, the party planning lady for anne's bachelorette party. random.

6.What is your main ring tone on your phone?
i leave it on vibrate, but seriously cingular has the weirdest rings. i have to put it on "cingular tone" or whatever that one is called because everything else is SOOOO weird.

7.What shirt are you currently wearing?
a brown sleeveless one. and i brought a white jacket, even though it's auguest, because the a/c at work is usually around 60 degrees.

8.Do you “label” yourself?
no i don't think so. i really don't care. i'm me. i mean, i know what i am, i know what i'm not. but i don't specifically label myself.

9.Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
steve madden

10.Bright or Dark Room?
dark for sure. my eyes are getting older. i can tell.

11.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
well i really don't know them (got it off a random blog) but their answers are pretty fun.

12.Ever “spilled the beans”?
yeah, of course.

13.What were you doing at midnight last night?
sleeping. every night i try to watch letterman, and occasionally oprah (which replays at 11 in chicago) but i fell asleep on the couch last night. then i woke up and wandered to my room, probably around midnight actually. it's kind of creepy because i barely remember it.

14.What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"thanks for the great birthday surprise!" - chrsitine mattera (her birthday is 12/13)

15.Do you ever click on “Pop Ups” or Banners?
NO WAY. i get so mad at them.

16.What’s a saying that you say a lot?
"you love it."
"oh yeah!"
"worth it"

17.Who told you they loved you last?
my mom and dad last night.

18.Last furry thing you touched?
have to think about this. probably christine's cats.

19.How many hours a week do you work?
forty

20.How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
i usually get them developed right away. i have some cameras that are like 1/2 used. but i guess those don't count.

21.Favorite age you have been so far?
ummm favorite age is probably like 19 or 20. i had some great years.

22.Your worst enemy?
i don't really know. there's some people i no longer respect, but i don't think i'd call them enemies.

23. What is your current desk top picture?
orange background with a white picture with cherries. really into fruit pictures lately. haha

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"i think i pulled a muscle in my back but i have no idea how."

25.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time to fix all of your mistakes, which would you pick?
a million dollars. i have mistakes, but nothing major that would be worth a million dollars to fix. plus i think a million dollars could fix my life a lot better right now than cleaning up my mistakes could. :)
____
so until i have some inspiration... there you go

high school, sort of

5 year high school reunion this weekend. i had a lot of fun. it was great to see familiar faces, people you have memories of but haven't seen in awhile... it felt the same. it was really, really great. i have to admit i was a little nervous showing up. i just didn't really know what to expect. i mean 5 years doesn't seem that long--but it is! there were people i even forgot about. it was just nice to see everyone doing well and catch up some. i'm really glad i went. it felt good.

that song i posted yesterday, i'm in love with it. i love the line that goes "i'm thinking about the city, it's living proof that people need to be together." what a cool line. i honestly wish i could come up with things like that. i love to write, but i can never come up with those two liners that just work. maybe someday i'll learn to write music. that would be a dream career for me.

my emotions have just been crazy lately! i've been so sentimental and so deep. more than usual. it's pretty weird. last night i had so much going on and i was thinking while trying to fall asleep--i need to write this stuff down! this is where i get my quality material, when my mind is just racing and i'm feeling everything so much more... but i was just too dang tired. and of course, i can't do it the next day. when the feeling hits, you just have to go for it. i wish i had.

anyway, really good weekend. so good to see everyone, and i'm so glad to see that everybody is happy. also, i think people have grown up a lot--including myself--and it's kind of nice to go back to high school, without going back to high school. reassuring, at least.

i love these lyrics

i'm thinking about the city
it's living proof that people need to be together
i'm thinking about how i just want to open up
and give and give and give

and it's okay for you to care
cause i can feel you in the air.
while you wonder--how's this gonna end?
i only want it to begin.

i'm thinking about desire
i've had to learn how to sin successfully.
i'm thinking about bliss
and bliss is all dressed up
and there's no one to dance with

remembering a smile, and the nuclear bomb
and the reasons i loved her
i'm walking through central park
i'm in a foreign country and i'm waiting for a sign

and it's okay for you to care
cause i'm not going anywhere
and while you wonder if you should let me in
i only want it to begin.
-Ben Lee

i wish this was easy

if it takes my whole life
i won't break i won't bend
it will all be worth it
worth it in the end
cause i can only tell you what i know--
that i need you in my life.
-sarah mclachlan

how ironic that you only live once, and you can spend that whole once wondering about something that you could never find the strength to face up to.

in absense

so i'm up late tonight, late being 11:30 these days, for the first time in a long time. and just as i laid down to let myself sleep i started thinking... and kept thinking. you know those nights? your mind just races and before you know it you're somewhere completely different than you started?

anyways, what i'm wondering tonight is if you just keep someone in your life because you don't know how to replace them... so you make the memories strong by reliving them... but would someone else be able to make you feel the same way as easily? or not? i mean, by reliving these so-called great moments or whatever, keeping this ghost alive, am i keeping myself from greater things? am i living in the past when i could be living in the present? have i built things up too much?

life's so strange. when something great happens to you, you want to keep it, right there in the palm of your hand--only, sometimes it gets away. and i've found that i've dealt with that strangely. instead of wanting something new, i want things the way that they were. i haven't really moved on. i live in the past, a lot. i relate to things that happened years ago like they were last week and it feels real because i've held on for so long. it's really bizarre. i got to wondering, am i just fooling myself? am i wasting my life by chasing something that is probably never going to happen?

somedays i wish i could just forget it all.
other days i know i'd be empty if i could forget it all.
but at least i wouldn't miss it this much.

on being humble

every once in awhile i read back on things i wrote awhile ago, because it's interesting, i change the way i feel obviously so it's kinda fun to look back at myself, so to speak. but anyways, as i was looking back today i realized how i never capitalize things...at least i try not to on here. and the reason for that is that awhile back i knew someone who would always sign emails with a lowercase letter. "amy" for example. and i always liked it because its so humble. there's something i like about not seeing "I," just having it blend in with the rest of the letters you know... it's not so forceful. it's not so "i'm right." it's humble, and simple, and for those reasons... i think it's great.

but i get caught sometimes between being a humble writer and a person with an english degree and in that place is where you'll find me capitalizing things and punctuating like crazy. but really, this is me. ha. maybe i went on too long about that. i don't know, i just really loved the simplicity of seeing someone write an entire email perfectly punctuated and capitalized and then just sigining it like -amy.

news: my parents bought a new house and we're going home. i'm so happy. it's not my old house, but it's what i know... and i'll have more room to be 23. it will be a great stepping stone until i move out, and i couldn't be happier for my parents. i heard them the other day say, "we're going home," and it just about broke my heart out of happiness. they've been through a lot these past few years, it's really rewarding to see them comfortable again. or at least, getting comfortable. they definitely deserve it.

my blog title

you know what i was just realizing that i've never really explained my blog title. i know some people get it. but i also know some might not so here's whay i named it that... well there's this damien rice song i really like called Older Chests. And it's about a lot of things, but to me its about change for the most part. And it's just written really beautifully--as are most Damien Rice songs. But anyways, there's this line that goes...

Older chests reveal themselves like a crack in the wall, starting small, grow in time
And we all seem to need to help of someone else
To mend that shelf with too many books
Read me your favorite line.

And i just really like it for the title of a blog because essentially that's what writing does for me--mends that shelf when i have too many books on it. you know? in other words, it takes some pressure off. let's me have some release. so yeah, anyways... that's why i chose that title. :)

my old website

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=amyj28

i just found it. i totally for got about this one. this came before this blog... so it's over a year old. but some of it is still kinda fun.

always liked this line

"Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins
And there's no such thing as what might have been
That's a waste of time
Drive you out of your mind"
-Tim McGraw

i've been writing a lot more than usual... i'm not sure why. i think i've just had a lot going on mentally lately, but i really don't know what my deal is.

i guess it's natural that my opinions toward people and things are changing, right? i'm at a semi-new stage in my life and i'm always realizing things. i'm already noticing myself growing up to be so much like my parents, taking on their values and advice and stuff. i've found myself repeating things they've told me all my life. weird how that happens.

but i guess i've also been reassesssing...everything. the quality of people. the quality of their values. their purpose in my life. i don't know. i've been having my doubts. i get like this every once in awhile and i have to ask myself--is this good for me or bad for me? and i guess this healing process--as in my medication--is sort of helping me to realize what's helping me and what's hurting me. i finally feel like myself again, which is awesome. but i need to surround myself with positive people. i mean people that will make me feel confident you know? that i'm a good person. i just haven't felt like that lately! i don't know what the deal is. and i know i have some great, great, friends. that would do anything for me in the world... so yeah. i'm just going to have to figure all of that out.

can't

you know that restaurant on highway 1
with the key lime pie, that song, the sand, and the sun
where we ran in our barefeet
built a castle on the beach
just the wind, the rocks, the waves and you and me

i can't go there

realizations

i had a really good weekend. the baby shower went well, i think. all the work was worth it (i knew it was going to be) and i got to see some really great people that i don't get to see too much. all was well.

the anxiety and stuff has subsided, i think my medicine is working, except it's so gradual that you don't really feel anything, so it's kinda hard to tell. i feel better though, so that's great. i wish i had the courage to come to terms with this problem a year ago--it would have saved me a lot of worrying--but i guess it's better late than never.

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan
When something is broken
and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway you can

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
but I don’t know if I can
I know something is broken
and I’m trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway I can
-Coldplay

i sometimes feel like no one ever takes me seriously, and part of that, i'm to blame for. i mean i joke around, a lot, i have a crazy personality, i know all of that. but the thing is, i'm still a person. i'm still really sensitive, i still get hurt. easily. it's like somewhere in the midst of being able to take a joke, you get trampled on hard. so where's the right balance? i'm not sure. and maybe it's me. i mean maybe i should take everything a little lighter, maybe i shouldn't be looking at everyone i know as the bad guy, but i'm not exactly sure i can help it.

i have my weaknesses. who doesn't?

just a realization i've come to recently. it kind of scares me, i look back in my old journals and stuff and i was the same way, always so worried no one took me seriously...always so worried about being so happy most of the time that people don't know you get hurt. so i've been this way my whole life? i guess i just feel like i should have outgrown it or something. like this shouldn't still be attacking me at this point in life... and like i said, maybe that's my fault.

good one

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"
-Sex and the City

feelin' good

gosh i realized i've been writing in this thing a year. that's a long time, a really long time. i remember becuase i remember the fireworks last year with my parents and it was the first time we were "home" persay in awhile... sort of an emotional experience. anyways...

i'm feeling good. much better than my last post. i've been exercising every day, running and walking a couple of miles. it's amazing how healthy that makes you feel. i wish i would have discovered this sooner. i've also been eating healthier, working better, sleeping better. i just feel good.

so. fourth of july weekend. it's funny, i used to think of it as like an excuse to party and i didn't care whatsoever if we missed the fireworks and all that. but now all i do is go watch fireworks with my family. ha. i guess that's growing up. kinda strange how that happens. the office is closing early today, always a bonus.

i really like working in that it keeps ms busy and occupies my day, and provides me with some source of income. what i don't like about it is i have no energy to do anything else. i really need to work on sleeping more. that might change this situation.

anyway, no deep thoughts today.
just feeling good on a friday.
nothing wrong with that.

getting fixed

i've debated about writing about this on here for awhile but i guess i decided that it's my way of reaching out. besides i saw http://postsecret.blogspot.com and realized that my problems are not so severe as i had once believed. but still, i have them.

i haven't been myself lately. i don't know how to explain that other than to say that i haven't been myself lately. it's subtle things, mostly the way i think, that people would never notice, but i actually think completely differently than i used to. i guess this has been going on for about a year. for a year, i didn't tell anyone. i would have panic attacks all the time, wake up in night terrors and a lot of other crazy things... but the thing is - because i haven't had this condition my whole life, i knew what it was like to be normal. that's the hard part about it all is that you know you're not right becuase you remember what it feels like to feel good.

anyway, the panic attacks got so bad that it was interfering with my work, my ability to fall asleep, my appetite, everything. i went to a doctor and got a perscription for xanax. it's hard to explain panic attacks to someone if you've never had one -- the best i can do is to say that you are absolutely positive you are dying. well, that happened to me a few too many times, and i decided to get some help. when this all started a year ago, i was under a lot of stress at the time i guess, and living in a stressful situation. as for why i was getting them now, i have no idea. some doctors have told me it can be genetic (and since i'm adopted i would have no idea about that), some doctors told me that it can be a result of a change in lifestyle. hey, i did just graduate college and move to working full time. but for some reason, i still don't think that's the case.

anyway, i went to a doctor since the first one was just an "urgent care" doctor and xanax was just a temporary solution. i'm now on my second day of taking lexapro, which is an anti-depressant anti-anxiety... and it won't be in full effect for a few weeks so i don't know if it's helping... yet.

what i do know is that i used to be sincerely happy in my mind. i knew the purpose of my life was to be a good person, to be a good friend, a hard worker, and to be a good daughter. eventually someday, to be a good wife, a good mother. now i don't really think like that. i question existence a lot, not my own, but just in general, human existance. the fact that we've made this world and we all just sort of abide by the rules but we don't really know what our ultimate purpose is here? that really freaks me out. and i know it's just like a chemical imbalance i have going on right now. i think i am going to get better. i really do. i think i'm going to get back to who i was. but i think a lot of the problem in my life is that i don't trust people and that causes me a ton of anxiety. i'm always paranoid people are talking about me or thinking bad things about me and stuff like that and i think it's somewhat realistic because unfortunately, that is what people do. they talk about other people. i've seen good friends talk about each other right in front of their faces. just makes you wonder if you can really trust anyone you know? i've thought about going to see a doctor like someone to talk to and all of that, but then i realized that i just need to help myself. i don't know if anyone else can help me.

i'm trying to get better. i don't think i have it too bad after all of the things i've seen and heard in this world. the weirdest part about it though is that i know that i'm lucky. i know that i grew up in a nice town in a nice house with parents who love me and i have a lot of great friends, really great friends, it's not that. that's not the problem. i know i am lucky. i know i have a good life and i know i am fortunate. but for whatever reason, that doesn't make me happy. i just think that i used to be really optimistic and now i have way more of a guard up. i'm so careful who i let in and all of that now because i'm serious when i say that i don't completely trust anyone. i know that's not normal. i am trying to work on it.

but now i wonder if all along i've been this way and just never known any different? i mean i can remember i used to feel happy. but now i act happy. it's totally different. i'm not sure how long i've been acting. but i want to be better. and i'm trying to be better. and i'm not posting this for attention or anything like that, i guess i just needed somewhere to sort my thoughts. i seriously don't want sympathy. i just want to get better, and i know i have to do that on my own.

my allison!

Congratulations to Allison Mark and Tyler Mayer on their engagement.
You guys make a great pair. I'm happy for you both. :)

here's to anne

you ever know somebody that just feels like home to you?
someone that you can just let that game of pretend go with and let your guard down and
just be... you?

that comfort that somebody knows you so well and still loves you is like a drug. like this perfect utopia, that in this hectic day and age and lifestyle, you can let loose and just be... because that is the way that they like you.

now the term best friend. that's a term i use, but sort of hate. because it reminds me back to the middle school days of "whos your best friend" and all of that business. but okay, some people just meet and they just connect and from the beginning they just know that they crossed paths for a reason. that their adventure has just begun. that they are going to know each other awhile.

i met my best friend when i was a freshman in high school. it's kinda crazy, we met through a mutual friend, but within a week we were completing each others sentences. it was the sort of thing where you think you share a mind. we had a lot of good years. went to different colleges. had a lot of good times in between those years.

and now she's getting married and moving away. i'm so happy for her - but at the same time - i'm so sad to lose her, does that make sense? it's strange that this time is over you know, being young and single, hanging out and singing in the car, going to bars, no responsibilities, no worries, just youth... it's like i'm losing a little part of me, but i'm so happy for her husband and her because they are both gaining so much.

i don't want to sound selfish, it just saddens me a little. a chapter's over, you know? it's like leaving for college again except this time, for life... and i've never had a friend who made me feel so confident, so sure of myself, so worthwhile... and left feeling like i've owed her nothing. she is one of the strongest people i have ever met in my life and she is a huge part of the person that i am. i'm sad to see her go, even though, i know i'm not losing her.

today we walked away from a restaurant, like we've done a million times you know and she's like "i'll see you before i leave right?" and before that i was okay... but then i got in my car and im thinking gosh from now on it's going to be "we're coming to visit" and "do you want to meet us somewhere" and not that that's a bad thing, it's just that when you've spent 10 years knowing someone since we were dumb kids, it's kinda hard to believe.

but in any case, here's to anne. for the best of years, now and then.
i know she will never read this (without someone elses recommendation)
but in any case - thanks for how much you've helped me grow, how much you've taught me, and how much you mean to me.

drunk

this is my first drunk blog. im doing it for a few reasons: 1,. because its funny 2. because i can't punctuate correctly and 3. no matter how drunk i am i can somehow pass this test of perfect typing and spelling

its all an act!!

but in all seriousness i probably have a lot more indepth things to say, and i could bitch a lot about tonight, or last night, or rave about either, but the fact of the matter is, thats stupid sooooooooooooo moral of the story is im drunk and im posting, and i'd be willing to admit i was a good time tonight!

ill leave it at that
night
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life is beautiful

You plant a rose
And if the rose comes up
You're thankful to God
And when it doesn't you cuss him
You raise a child
And when the child grows up
You got to learn to let go
If you can't learn to love him
But, oh, what a beautiful thing when you sing
Hear all them bells ringing out in the street
Hammer strikes the metal and it makes me believe'
Cause if I don't believe in love
Then I don't believe in you
And I do

Now I'm not saying only bad news comes
For the people who want it
But you gotta play that music for who's listening
You got to have someone you wanna sing it to
Oh, what a beautiful thing when you sing
Hear all them bells ringing out in the street
lue sky cracking and it makes me believe
Oh, hear all them bells ringing out in the street
Hammer strikes the metal and it makes me believe'
Cause if I don't believe in love
Then I don't believe in you
And I do

Close my eyes, see the glorious sunset
Through the windows of a store and I want it
Anyway, if I ever felt haunted
You were there for me
These angry people who are waiting to judge you
Have their own judgment that they'll have live up to
Open your mouth
And if nothing come through

Remember
You're the one that sings
And it's a gift
And life's a beautiful thing
Oh, don't waste it doll

may scrambled spells amy

i've been thinking about getting older, how much life has already changed, how much it will continue to change. i heard today on the radio that 100 years ago in 1905, there were only 1,000 cars in the world. can you imagine 2105? it kind of blows my mind. but that's not really what i mean. not those kind of changes, at least. it's weird how the adult in you asks those kinds of questions. i never thought i'd have an adult in me. ha.

i've been working a lot- but i don't want to talk about work, you know? you spend 40 hours a week somewhere, that's enough. don't bring it home. don't bring it to dinner. don't bring it to the bar. that's just how i feel. i think there's so much more to talk about than work and how busy everyone is. instead, let's talk about how we used to prank call people, how we used to cross the train tracks and climb a hill to smoke cigarettes. let's talk about what we'll be doing in ten years. i don't want to talk about work. i am more than my job, you know?

and i guess it just scares me because the conversations are all getting to be so structured. with everyone. and i think about this and i'm like okay, life only gets busier right? i mean, the free time is kind of over. so if i'm talking this way too much already, wonder what on earth the conversation will be in a few years. i'm just kinda tired of the substance talk. let's talk, let's have a beer, let's have a good time. let's leave work in the office, you know? life's too short.

but i don't mean to sound so negative. things have been for the most part, good. i feel busy but it feels good. i could do without being tired all the time... but other than that i feel good. i got to spend a lot of time with the family this weekend, see people i never see and stuff. i find i'm starting to appreciate extended family more and more. it's really something else the way everyone can pull together in a spilt second if it's needed. it's really reassuring. i'm starting to look at my grandpa and my great aunts and uncles and realize what long, amazing lives they all lived. all different, but in their own way great. it's so inspiring. it's strange sometimes i feel like i have lived so long and my path is set and all of that, and then i see an 80 year old wise, accomplished man and i realize i'm only at a stepping stone.

second shot at 6 s 211

wednesday of last week our old house went up for sale. saturday my dad and i went to see it. in a way, i knew i shouldn't go with because even though my parents wanted to take a shot at getting it back, i knew i'd be setting myself up for disaster had that not happen. well, i went anyway. i was curious and i just felt an inclination to go. i felt one not to go too. but whatever, i followed the other one.

so we pull up and there's another family inside and i immediately felt like i knew i would: what are these people doing in my damn house? get them out! and i suppose that's natural. but not okay. it's not my house anymore. so i smiled at them, thinking otherwise, but i smiled. so we go inside. minor changes, some paint, some wood floors instead of carpet. nothing big. it still felt like home. this was the hardest part.

i was there standing in my kitchen, looking out on the backyard and not just seeing our trees but seeing our family over for a bar bq, my mom cooking dinner, late night parties on our back porch... and all of the sudden i found myself feeling completely at home again, in a place that is no longer my home. and while parts of it looked different, it felt the exact same. it felt like home.

an hour later we found out there was a bid. now my dad and i had just gone to check it out--i knew my parents were interested but we didn't think we'd have to act that fast. well, my dad put in a bid that day (without my mom even seeing it). we got a call the next day to go higher. they went higher.

all day i called my parents wondering if we got the place. i mean, i met the woman who lives there and she remembered my parents. she specifically told us: i remember you saying that if we ever move to let you know but i had no way to get in contact with you. and for some weird reason i trusted this lady. i felt like she'd give us the last bid. to everyone else, afterall, this house is just a building. one of many in naperville. just a place to live. to us, it's home. she had to understand that.

my dad called me a few hours later--"this isn't a phone call i wanted to make." and i found myself incredibly disappointed. i guess i built up my expectations a little too much. i mean, i did. i really thought we were going to get that house. i thought that any somewhat good person would be willing to help us out in getting it. i thought we were going home. and so, now having felt this way, having walked in my old room, up my old stairs, sat in the kitchen... i was suddenly really homesick again and when we didn't get the house i was devastated.

you know when you have those pictures in your head of a place because you remember exactly how you were feeling? i think for the rest of my life i will remember sitting in colleens driveway waiting for the news, pulling grass anxiously and the distinct disappointment i felt when i heard what happened.

it just doesn't seem fair that someone gets it who would be equally as happy in another house. it just doesn't seem right that someone actually beat us at getting our old house. i'm having a hard time justifying it.

and you know the more i think about it, i'm sad, yeah. but i'm not just sad about that house. i mean, it's an average house. it's a nice place to live, nice neighborhood. but an a average house. it's not the house. it's the feeling i miss. i miss being home. i miss looking out the window and seeing something that reminds me of old times. i miss waving to our neighbors as i pull out of the driveway. i miss the comfort we had on that little cul-de-sac. and i guess for a second, i just thought we might be able to get that back.

_____________________________________

ok wait i just wrote this whole post and now im sitting here in bed and im thinking about the perfect analogy. okay, you know when you like a guy (or a girl, whatever) and you are just starting to get over them--because you're making yourself. because it just didn't work out. and then just when you are about to get over them, they call you? that's how i feel about my house. sort of.

net again

well i'm back. got a new computer. ugh. it's cute though. small. umm...i lost almost everything i've ever written. i'm pretty upset about that. a lot of my undergrad work but, that's just work. what i'm really sad about is my freewriting stuff that i don't have backed up. but i learned my lesson. i'm going to back everything up compulsively now.

so this is weird--my old house in naperville is for sale again right now. our old neighbors called us and are like "move back," and i didn't really get my hopes up because of the obvious... come to find out my dad is actually working on getting a mortgage to move back. to buy our old house. granted, i won't be living there that much longer, but still--how crazy is that? the whole california thing was such a mistake, i think my parents just miss being comfortable. it's not a set deal yet, but even the possibility of it, to me, is absolutely crazy.

i mean it's great, but it's crazy, too.

i kinda ditched the whole idea of living downtown. i realized that i like driving. i like having a car. i like having a place to park, and i kind of like having a nice place to live. and it just makes more sense to live in the suburbs. that's the reality. and it's weird because i said this to my friends and they said they recently decided the same thing. i mean, the city has more to offer as far as entertainment and different cultures and all of that but i will be miles away from all that...and when i actually took the time to sit down and think about it, i'm comfortable with what i'm used to--and what i'm used to is the suburbs. we'll see what happens though.

party went pretty good for the most part. i think everyone had fun. it seemed that way. i wished i could have talked to everyone a little bit more. it was hard with everyone there--my family and my friends! i had a great time though and i am glad everyone made it.

that's about it for now. i've just been working. living my life. waiting for spring. the usual.

but it's great to be back on the net.

the w w w

in a short summary: my hard drive erased. my computer crashed. a new one is on the way but AIM withdrawl is almost killing me.

so i am working these days and we listen to the radio all day long... and i am learning to love it because we don't listen to like so-called "hip" music but moreso mix type stations so i hear a combination of a) songs i haven't heard in forever that i like hearing once in awhile and b) songs i would normally change the station but now i'm actually forced to listen to them since i'm not alone in the office and can't do that.

and i've learned a little. i mean, i hate the radio. i hate it. i think it ruins music, and i think overall, it is a bad thing. but i'm kinda starting to appreciate it for it's randomness, if for nothing else. and by the way, this doesn't include all radio stations.

but okay, this song "Breathe (2 am) by Anna Nalick... i have heard it i can't even tell you how many times in my life and i know it's fairly new, so that's sad, but i guess i've never really listened. the lyrics are really really complex. i kinda love it.

aside from that i like this job, it' s just temporary, but it's laid back and it's some money... and it's less stressful than the one i had to quit. so i'm happy. and i think pretty soon here this job i've been shooting for is going to make me an offer, so i'm very content for now.

my graduation party's this weekend. i'm excited, mostly to have all of my friends in one place. that doesn't happen too often, and i have a feeling that good times are ahead. i don't even care that it's my party, i am just glad to be able to see everyone together. sometimes i wish we didn't live in such a big, busy, country so things like this could happen more often. but i guess that's what makes them so great, too.

anyway, this is my attempt to recover from IM withdrawl. i'm not sure a blog quite does the trick... but hey, it's some interaction i guess. i'll be on soon!

2 am and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

This song is genius.

Ah the night--there it comes again
It's on with the jeans, the jacket, and the shirt
How'd I end up feeing so bad
for such a little girl

And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt
I'm too scared to know how I feel about you know
La Cienega just smiled... I'll see you around.

I'll hold you close in the back of my mind
Raise my glass cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body
and the other breaks my soul
La Cienga just smiles...and waves goodbye.

Ah the night here it comes again
Off with the jeans, the jacket, and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
for such a little girl

I'll hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
La Cienega just smiles and says,
I'll see you around.

quarter life

so i saw this ad on craigslist: http://chicago.craigslist.org/wrg/61739142.html

and i decided that this was right up my alley. so i gave it a shot. i like david sedaris, i like writing, and i'm 23 and a recent grad. perfect right? well, here's what i came up with anyways:

Post-College Reflections and Farewells

Well, it's been about two months for me now since graduation and needless to say, it's an adjustment. I spent 4.5 valuable years of my life at Purdue University mastering not only a degree, but the beer bong, the tailgate, and strategies as to how to cut in the late-night Taco Bell line. So, where am I now?

Well, at the least I can say that I've learned a few things about college versus real life. I mean, you go from living within walking distance of everyone you know along with every restaurant and store you know to... living alone, or in my case, living with your parents. And the whole parents thing is interesting because, I really don't think they realize where I have been for the past 4.5 years. I don't think they quite understand that I was actually living on my own that whole time, without any substitute parents, and when I came back two months ago, I didn't magically turn 18 years old again.

Where are you going? What time will you be back? Do you know where the portable phone is? I mean really, those were all valid questions 5 years ago, but I'm pretty sure a curfew isn't valid anymore.

The job thing isn't going so well either. I got a job offer about two weeks out of college and I thought, "Wow, this degree thing really works," and told them no. Haven't had a job offer since. Go figure. Big shot with the degree--not so much. But I've been interviewing, I've been stalking Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com like they were the cute guy in my English class, but nothing's really happened so far.

Of course, instant messenger is still in effect for me and my fellow graduates. Still our main form of communication, in fact. But I fear for the day people start to get real lives and abandon their screen names. How am I to know that they are alive and breathing? Or sleeping, eating--walking down the hallway at a medium pace to the bathroom to charge their electric toothbrush--depending on their current away message? I mean, aren't these things important to anyone else after we graduate?

I guess the lesson learned is that as we start this new chapter of life, there are certain things we are just going to have to abandon. And let me give these things the utmost respect as I bid them farewell because they have been nothing but good to me throughout the past 4.5 years and I will miss them greatly. With that--goodbye beer bong, tailgate. Goodbye Taco Bell line. Farewell carefree lifestyle and stalking boys. Goodbye instant messager. Thank you for completing my collegiate life and for all the countless memories(and keeping me up to date on my high school boyfriend's life for the past four years without him knowing a thing).

___

so that's that, my feelings on it are that i really could care less if it's published or not, or even if they like it. i just thought it would be a fun thing to write. so if it gets published, bonus. if not, well, at least it did on my blog. haha.

some more old stuff

you know awhile back i posted some old stuff. well, i have this document on my computer, password protected from the time i spent in california. time where i literally did nothing, but think, and write. and so rather than just have it sit there password protected forever, i thought i'd put some up here once in awhile... so here's some more.

"I never thought of myself as someone who needs people. I mean, everyone needs people, but I’ve always been the one who could go to the mall alone, and not need anyone to come with me. Well, all of the sudden I’m realizing that’s because I’ve had the choice. If I wanted someone to go, I could have asked them, I just CHOSE to go alone. The difference with the situation I’m in now is that I have absolutely no one to ask to go with me, anywhere. I can’t explore this city alone, and while the world awaits me outside the door of this townhouse, I have absolutely no one to share the adventure with, which makes it no fun at all. So I’ve realized I’m dependent on always having someone, whether I choose to bring them or not, at least I could have. And I guess that’s normal, but I find it disappointing. I feel like I should be able to do anything alone and I shouldn’t always “need someone” but hey, I guess I can’t help it much.

It’s light outside, and I’m up until almost 6 am with utterly no purpose. I mean none. If my parents came in here right now and said “Amy why are you up so late?” I would have no idea what to say.
So goodnight, no point in wasting the day tomorrow—not that I’ll do anything, probably wont even leave the house—but still, each day is a gift—receive it with eagerness. " -August 2003

confusion in february

i'm sad lately. well, not sad. i guess the better word is scared. i'm starting to feel like whereas i'm supposed to be at this starting point in my life -- i'm really at this sort of dead end. and for the first time in my life, i actually don't have any huge dream of what i'm going to be someday. growing up, i somehow lost that vision and instead now i just sort of think, "everything will fall into place, everything will work out, it always does."

but does it?

i'm getting scared.

and i'm not totally down about myself or anything. i mean, i know i have some things to offer some company, somewhere, i guess what's scary is first of all - where is that company, somewhere, and second of all that i don't know how to prove my abilities t to anyone that i haven't known for a long time.

i feel like i'm completely uncomfortable with every aspect of my life right now. like, i currently serve no purpose--not a student--not employed, i spend all day every day in front of a computer, in bed, watching tv because that's the only thing i can really do without money...

i want to move out of my house. there's just not enough room for me here and i'm too used to living on my own. outside of all of that, it's far from anything that i know, and it just doesn't feel like any sort of home to me. i'm pretty confident that it never will. and i hate to complain but it's hard because i'm used to a lot of different ways of living--but i can't get used to this one. at the same time, i'm living for free. so i guess, as with anything, pros and cons, pros and cons.

with people i'm confused in general. i guess since college my life has sort of changed because the people i have immediate contact with have sort of changed. and i don't know. i'm always observing people, always trying to figure them out. and it will be a long time before i do. if i ever do. and i know i always say this but it's sooo strange who you end up keeping contact with. it really is. life works in mysterious ways and people never hesitate to surprise you, either in a good way, or unfortunately sometimes, a bad way.

i feel good about the people that i know, though. i feel that i was lucky, i know great people. they make me stronger and honestly, they get me through the day.

and you know sometimes, just when you've given up hope on someone, they can turn around and end up getting you through the day too. or even making your day. it's just one of those crazy things i'll never understand--

but i'll always appreciate.

let things happen

in the wise words of ben harper, "it's so hard to do and so easy to say. but sometimes, sometimes, you just have to walk away." easy to love those lines. respect the meaning. easy to do just the opposite.

i don't know. today i realized that i have an obsession with not losing touch with people. i mean an obsession. it scares me. since the 8th grade, it has scared me. seems like a good thing right? and it is. i mean it really is because i have good friends that i've been fortunate enough to stay in touch with for a long time. but what happens if and when it's time to let go?

and i think we always know this time. we can feel it coming. but instead of looking forward, moving on, we cling to the past, and convince ourselves awkwardly that, nothing has changed.
we live through old songs, pictures, moments, beat up cars and ticket stubs. and we make these things timeless.

but meanwhile, days are going by.

is it possible that i believe in two things that completely contradict each other? one being to let fate take it's course... to let things happen. to avoid being aggressive. to "go with the flow." the other being to do everything within my willpower to keep people in my life.

it's weird because sometimes people come back to you. that's been my experience. the same few people i won't see for three, four years, will show up into my life out of absolutely nowhere and take an immedate, important role. i remember kara's letter to me senior year in high school and it said "i know if i don't talk to you for ten years i could call you and say come over." and she put it perfectly. some peoples bond together is just that way. others get lost somewhere along the way. so does it work to do more than your part to hang on? or should you just let go?

this whole thing would be easier if some sort of closure was always involved, but the thing is, closure is never involved in these situations. always this ongoing process of losing touch, caring less, but there's never any "you know what, this is it, thanks for all the good years." and while i understand why not, i think it would help.

on individualism

i don't need nobody flyin' in my jet stream
take the bus
go on and get yourself your own dream

cause this is my own life keepin' me down
where i wanna be in my private nation

forever young

a lot of times i stay up late at night thinking about things, and a lot of times i end up thinking about the way i am now compared to the way i was when i was young. now if my parents were to read this or, my aunts and uncles, of cousre, they would gasp at the fact that i just used the phrase when i was young and be quick to correct me saying You are STILL young! but, in all fairness and realitivity and the sequence of life, i don't feel young anymore.

and here's why

when i was young, friends were people that i cared about yes. but also, people to drink beers with on the weekends. the way i would have classified friends five years ago is much different than i classify friends now. and i have found that it is so remarkable who you keep contact with. and to me upon graduating college, this is sort of the end of the rope--there's really no more steps in the overall scheme of things so your list is sort of finalized. sort of. life always has a way of throwing curve balls.

but my list is a lot different than i would have ever predicted. and let me just note that i'm completely satisified with the final version.

when i was young a lot more things seemed serious that i now see as petty. there was always more fighting, always more drama, always more competition. and growing up you realize that, none of that matters. it's when these complications get involved and bigger and better things come along that youre able to look back upon your younger years and realize: wow, i wasted a lot of time and energy on things that absolutely never mattered.

when i was young i never really appreciated anything at all. i didn't know how to becuase i didn't realize that everything i had someone worked hard to give me. until i worked hard for myself.

when i was young i never thought i would be able to say that i have been friends with someone for ten years. for ten years. that made you old, when i was young.

when i was young a big purchase was a tank of gasoline, a movie ticket, chipping in on a case of beer. now a big purchase is a car, a percentage of your paycheck going toward retirement, medical insurance.

and so yes, 23, 23 is young to people in their fifties and i can grant them that comparison i suppose, but it's the transitional age where things stop being handed to you, you start to accept your life as your responsibility. you realize it will be what you make of it. and you look back on the years you have sort of floated through, in fondness and appreciation for the people that have made it possible for you to float through those years. and i really think it's the first time in your life (and i'm positive not the last) that you have a sincere appreciation for your past, and a clear, optimistic vision of your future. because from here on out, it's in your hands.

blank stages and old friends

as for the lapse in writing, i've been sort of a blank slate lately. combination of a few things: it's an awkward stage in my life and i'm sort of trying to figure it out, and i really have little human interaction these days--i've just been job searching and kind of socially punishing myself until i start working. few reasons. first is that i need money. and more than needing money, i have priorities to spend my money on. college is over, wild spending and parental support is going to be gone soon, and so i've gotta figure this out. that doesn't mean of course, i'm going to never have fun again, it just means i'm going to have it less--and put a lot more money toward things i actually need to (i.e. cars, bills, savings) than social activities.

but yeah, life since college has been---life. i've adjusted better than i thought i would. not sure why yet (one of those things i'm trying to figure out) but i have. i've picked up the next step pretty quickly, started interviewing right away, got a job offer today. so i'm happy. and i'm a little proud of myself too. it's a lot of pressure though--accepting a job offer. my mind is having this internal fight between needing money really bad and knowing that i want to love my job. it's a huge decision and the thing is, companies aren't that patient (at least in my experience so far) and don't allow you that much time to think about it. i'm kind of walking on thin ice for the next few days. i hope i make the right decision, and, i think that i will. i hope that i will.

ok switching gears for a second

kinda weird, i heard the term "old friends" today while i was in the car, i can't remember why, but i thought for a second and i'm like wow--i actually understand that term now. it's something you don't understand when you're sixteen of course, or even twenty, because, friends are still fresh then and life is pretty much full of stability and constance.

but now i find myself watching old videos, looking at old pictures, laughing at the way we used to be, losing track of time and for a matter of minutes being right back in those pictures and bringing them to life. and that is, as far as i know, what old friends do.

to me it's bittersweet. i mean, while you're happy for the life you had, for the time you had, you're sad that it's over. and you can feel like the sixteen year old thats in that picture drinking a beer with a microphone, but only for a minute or so. and then it's sad. sad because now you're 23 looking back at that person that you really aren't anymore. and sad, because, it's over. but happy again because it ended well and you're still in the company of good friends years later. success, happiness, and growth sums it up.

just a few thoughts since it's been awhile. next time i'll try to be a little bit more logical. fingers crossed i like my job. thanks.

goodbye purdue, hello adulthood

kinda freaks me out to think about this but 48 hours ago from right now, this very minute, i was just hanging out with janna and lindsey, enjoying what we all silently knew was, our last day on campus...

weird, it feels like it was a lot longer than that ago. and i actually thought it would feel a lot more surreal than it did, but this time, it actually felt real.

we were leaving. we had to go.

and maybe it had something to do with the fact that lisa had already left and we'd already said goodbye to her, or maybe it had to do with the couch being gone, our dressers being empty, our beds being bare... i'm not sure where to place the blame. but either way, that night, it felt completely real that we had to go.

i was sad all night but i really didn't cry. i think it's because i was so sad that i couldn't feel it, that's my guess. the next day though, was when it hit me. all along i sort of knew that would be the case, that it would be when i actually had to pull out of that parking lot, pass the union for the last time, drive past the bookstores, past the bars, knowing that the next time i see all of these things that feel so incredibly like home to me, they will no longer be home.

and that's exactly what happened- i was the last to leave the apartment and with everyones keys in my hand, i grabbed the last bundle of my stuff, walked halfway out the door, and paused to turn around and glance at this now empty apartment, a place with four months of memories that had suddenly become bare, and i sort of silently said goodbye and i walked out... in the car, i lost it.

and pretty much the entire way to state road 65 i wasn't exactly stable. i knew that the minute i ramped onto that highway, the next stage of my life had begun and i couldn't turn back. and that was scary. and the ride was long, and tough, because every song in some way reminded me of school and friends, and this lifestyle i had learned to absolutely love, and meanwhile i'm heading home for good sort of watching those things in my rearview...

but, that's that. and i'm home. and i said goodbye to college, and i know it's time to move on. so i unpacked, still trying to get my room situated although it's kinda hard, trying to get reaquainted with home, trying to find a job, and trying really hard to accept adulthood.

thanks purdue for the memories
if i had to do it all again,
i'd do it exactly the same.

wrapping up and then wrapping presents

gosh, it's so crazy. three tests this week and a paper and i'm officially finished with my degree. to be honest, i thought i would be a lot more sad than i am right now and i honestly think the reason i'm not is because it doesn't feel real

it just feels like another christmas break

graduations always seem so far in the future, you never really think about it until it's happening... on the way to school my dad told me that he cried his whole way home from college and went on to tell me about his reunions, and how, he always expected to go back and have things stay exactly the same but they never did... and he coined the phrase:

you know it's sad, the college is a big part of you
but you're not really a big part of it

and although true that made me really sad. i mean the college just keeps going. purdue will just keep accepting freshmen and continuing academic life as usual, it really doesn't hold on to us much once we go.

which feels so weird because right now at this very moment purdue feels like it's ours. like we've been here 4 1/2 years, we know this place inside out, and everywhere you go you see someone you know...

but the reality of it is that once we leave campus, we kinda let that part go.

and i guess part of me is ready, i mean i don't know what else i could have really done to enjoy my time here. i've definitely had a blast and that's just it, i've had my time here. i've had it. it's someone elses turn.

so of course, it's going to be hard to leave here, but for whatever reason, i just don't feel it yet.

but on a positive note, while my dad said that school is never the same once you leave, he did say that when you're with the people you went to school with, even at 55 years old, you're right back where you were when you were 21. that part doesn't change at all.

364 days until i need a whole box of candles

i was thinking today about birthdays, for a few reasons: one being that my birthday just passed, and two being that it was a particularly memorable one, maybe the most memorable one for me so far...

and i'm like anyone else with birthdays, i can get pretty selfish. i want a celebration, and i want presents. i'm being honest. admit it, you're like that too. everyone is.

and this year, the day after my birthday, i took a few steps back and i thought "wow, i know a lot of really great people." i can't explain the gratitude i have for the past week of my life. for my surprise party at school, for my friends at home all planning a surprise, for the extreme amount of phone calls and emails i received on sunday, for the gifts and cards i received...

and in taking few steps back i felt ashamed for expecting so much on my birthday... you know? i wanted that party, i half-expected all of those phone calls... in fact, i would have been upset if i didn't get them.

there's nothing right about that.

and so today, 364 days until i use up an entire box of candles, the day after my 23rd birthday, my first day without medical insurance, 2 1/2 weeks from graduating college, 3 days after a serious car accident, i've realized, through the awe of the people who made this past week unbelievable for me, that i should really stop expecting things like this. i'm so lucky to have them.

my dad actually said this phrase to me in the car yesterday,

"You are my life."

seems kinda right out of a hallmark movie or something, doesn't it? i mean, i really have that. my dad actually said that. i told anne today, and she told me "you're so lucky to have such a great dad." i said, "yeah, i know" and that's when i started to think...

who could really ask for anything else? what else could you even need?

so, in my first post as a 23 year old, thank you to everyone who made my birthday, and way beyond my birthday, my time here, my life, every moment, great.

chapter six

if you know me or even if you just check out this page every once in awhile, i'm about to tell you something you already know: i don't do real well with change.

and i was thinking about this today because it's not like changes in my life just sort of sneak up on me--i am so aware that they are coming at all times, and i act and think according to these psuedo deadlines that i know, are going to really throw me off for awhile...

it never seems real. it always seems like you can hang on. for a little longer.

i always think of that line at the end of ferris bueller

"life moves pretty fast--if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you could miss it. "

exaggeration maybe, but not rediculously. it takes a long time to pick up and move on when familiarities vanish and priorities change. it's really hard to understand.

thus far in my life, i think of change in terms of either geographically moving or moving on to a new part of school (graduating 8th grade, graduating high school, and now, college). and it's strange because at the end of each of these so called, "chapters" of my life, i always see no hope. i always think the best part has ended.

and it's because it's all relative, we live in the here and now, we feel whats true now, we hold on to what we have, we are absolutely scared of moving forward...

but although in each of those scenerios (moving to chicago, transfering schools, going to high school, going away to college...) i have found that, each new chapter really exceeded the previous ones. so all in all, while i thought something was ending, something more important was really beginning.

so i can't help but be sad of course, when i pack my bags in a few weeks here and wave off a really significant part of my life, being here at school, knowing that, once i step foot off of this campus this december, it really never will be the same... and i think about this, but then, i force myself to think about the fact that, yes, i'm leaving a lot when i leave here, but i have gained so much more. i have so much more love in my life, so much more happiness, so much more greatness from the people that i know, so many new lessons, so much more strength, among other things, that i didn't have when i came here as an 18 year old.

and like i said, so far, each chapter has gotten better...

whos to say that pattern won't continue? i think it will.

the least important thing i am leaving purdue with is a degree, in my opinion. i have formed a strong understanding of the person that i have become, and i have grown to love that person. i have linked myself with people that i undoubtedly know i met for a reason in my lifetime, i will have these things forever...

it's almost wrong to sit around and pity myself for the fact that i have to leave--

because, i am leaving with so much more than i came with...

from konah

konah has this on her AIM profile, i like it:

Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

thanks kones

testing, testing 1....2....3

sometimes i feel like the world is like amy--here's a test. i'm going to throw a lot of things at you at once and just watch how you handle it...

because i can't find any other explanation as to why all of these stupid things happen to me. and that they would happen at once.

so let me just say--when i feel threatened for whatever reason, i tend to run. and i'm okay with that because i think it's a lot better than being a bitch. it's not that i'm not opinionated or strong, because i am both of those things... i guess i just don't see any priority in making a big deal of things that in the long run, don't matter.

see i'm thinking about it in terms of my family--because my family has seen both worlds. my brother and i have been your typical teenage spoiled brats with a great dad with a great job, and we've both become your gratetful-for-everthing-we've-gotten-in-my-lives grown up kids with a great dad with no job.

i'm grateful for that because it makes me appreciative of things and it puts things in perspective. it makes me realize what matters.

and for a long time i didn't realize all of that and i regret it more than anything. i couldn't tell you the amount of times that i made things trivial that weren't at all... i'm ashamed of it.

but you know i'm happy that i can admit my faults now. a lot of people still can't do that. i'm happy i can look back and say "i was stupid but at least i learned." a lot of people can't do that either.

i'm well aware of the fact that life is this way. i don't want pity for anything that happens in my life anymore. i mean, i may want someone to listen once in awhile, but i don't want them to feel bad for me. theres's a difference. trust me, no one wants to feel bad for anybody that is asking for someone to feel bad for them.

but i guess, all and all after this rant... my point is that...

in my old age, i have come to discover that life is just too damn short. cliched as it may be, it's absolutely true. we spend too much time worrying about things that don't matter, and too little time caring about people that matter more than we know.

and in an instance, your life as you know it can be taken away from you. remember that. we have no contracts. we have no guarantees.

now do you want it to be too late when you realize that?

because you can start to realize it right now.

affording the void

the older i get i start to realize the connections i have made with people in my lifetime, those that will last, those that will probably fade, and those that will change, but will still be okay...

and there's like this comfort around the fact that for the most part, people don't change a whole lot. and because of that you can usually tell a real friendship because you can pick up right where you left off. i've tried my entire life to figure out if i really believe that--because it reminds me of one of those like cliched friendship quotes that everyone just kind of abides by and puts in their best friends scrapbook--but i really do.

i truly believe that any real relationships people have will withstand anything and at the end of the day, the relationship is still very present, even if it went unnoticed for awhile. people don't stop caring about each other--that's the thing. life just gets busy sometimes. and if you can pick up right where you left off, then it's okay for life to get busy sometimes. and you have to let it. it's all part of the game of balance that we all play.

it's similar to that notion of a comfortable silence...that you know when you have formed a real relationship with someone because you can sit in silence but it isn't awkard at all... it's because you can afford the void, the same way you can with losing touch for awhile. if you know someone and have enough trust in them, you know things will be ok at the end of the void. and so, that void is, in a way, welcomed.

i was filling out this thing today and one of the questions was "what is the best feeling in the world?" and i thought about it for a really long time because i assumed typical answer would be love and i just thought i could do better than that. anyway, interesting--what i came up with was appreciation. interesting. but really, what is better than feeling appreciated? that's what complements are all about and complements are what makes us feel good right? i mean is there a better thing in the world than knowing exactly how important you are to someone? i think that's what keeps us going, in a way.

just somethings to think about
pretty random post
it's late

my five minutes

this is something i've been thinking about, from time to time, for awhile, but i guess the reason i haven't approached it as far as writing about it is because i really can't find a conclusion... and so i'm going to give explaining it a try.

i don't know what it is about me but there are times i just feel really removed from things. it's not like i feel like i shouldn't be here or anything like that, but it's like i have two really strong feelings and they are polar opposites. one is that i'm social, loving and enjoying life, hanging out with friends, having fun... the other is that i sort of feel removed from all of that. and it's not that i think the first part doesn't exist, i still realize and like where i stand in peoples lives, but it's like i'm watching it all happen from somewhere else rather than actually being there, being involved.

and i can't figure it out.

and the weirdest part about it all is that i don't think i was always that way. so i don't know where it came from.

kind of weird, i know. believe me i know.

but on a side note from that, on my way home from class today i realized that my favorite part of the day is this five minute period of time when i'm walking home from class--and there's two blocks prior to this were you see people you know, walk past fraternities, walk past strangers--but then you cross a busy street and for about two blocks or so until my apartment i am in absolute solitude. i see a few people, maybe, but most of the time i am just thinking about things and looking around me, and it sounds stupid but it really is my favorite part of the day. it puts me in a great mood to have those five minutes of peace.

even if it is just five minutes.