realizations

i had a really good weekend. the baby shower went well, i think. all the work was worth it (i knew it was going to be) and i got to see some really great people that i don't get to see too much. all was well.

the anxiety and stuff has subsided, i think my medicine is working, except it's so gradual that you don't really feel anything, so it's kinda hard to tell. i feel better though, so that's great. i wish i had the courage to come to terms with this problem a year ago--it would have saved me a lot of worrying--but i guess it's better late than never.

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan
When something is broken
and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway you can

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
but I don’t know if I can
I know something is broken
and I’m trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
anyway I can
-Coldplay

i sometimes feel like no one ever takes me seriously, and part of that, i'm to blame for. i mean i joke around, a lot, i have a crazy personality, i know all of that. but the thing is, i'm still a person. i'm still really sensitive, i still get hurt. easily. it's like somewhere in the midst of being able to take a joke, you get trampled on hard. so where's the right balance? i'm not sure. and maybe it's me. i mean maybe i should take everything a little lighter, maybe i shouldn't be looking at everyone i know as the bad guy, but i'm not exactly sure i can help it.

i have my weaknesses. who doesn't?

just a realization i've come to recently. it kind of scares me, i look back in my old journals and stuff and i was the same way, always so worried no one took me seriously...always so worried about being so happy most of the time that people don't know you get hurt. so i've been this way my whole life? i guess i just feel like i should have outgrown it or something. like this shouldn't still be attacking me at this point in life... and like i said, maybe that's my fault.