moments that changed me

i've had this idea for the past few days, because i'm thinking about all these life altering moments that made me ultimately who i am today... and i figured, why not list them? why not put them down? so here goes nothing.

olive garden, 1990, dallas, texas. the table gets awkwardly silent all too quickly after my brother mutters the words, "so what if we do move to chicago?" and prior to this i had no idea. i thought that the rest of my 10-year old career would continue on good old 2028 robin hill lane, i thought i'd perfect my skills as a swimmer, grow old with my next door neighbor and childhood best friend jen. all of that changed at that very moment. my dad got a promotion...and we were moving to chicago.

woodstock illinois, 2000. it's our senior year logos retreat for my high school. the room is dark and i'm surrounded by about 50 of my graduating class peers whom prior to this trip, most were strangers. candles are lit up front and a voice starts to read a letter, "dear amy..." a letter from my dad exemplifying his pride in me, but even more measurable, his sadness to see me go. a letter that has, to this day, never left my mind even for an hour of the day.

rachelle's house, 2000. me and my best friends are sitting in a garage over bud light bottles and cigarette smoke. the following morning, anne was leaving for college. we'd spent the past days, weeks even, dreading this very moment, when the first person had to leave this town we'd all grown to know and love, and our lives would be forever different. we cried, we told, we exchanged sad sillent moments until the sun rose.

august 2000. my parents are dropping me off at college. we arrive early, bring up loads of things, meet my new roommate, and take a walk around the campus. i remember asking if i would ever know my way around there, and if purdue west was in walking distance (which it most certainly was). afterwards, we have dinner, and we pull up to merideth hall, my home for the next year. i knew i had to go in. mixed feelings--excitement for a new place, sadness for leaving the old one and my parents. i acted excited, but i was hiding something. i was scared. the last thing i said to them was "i can't wait to meet new people." complete lie. i hugged my parents goodbye, both of them crying, i fought my tears and put on a front of excitedness and happiness. i turned around and walking back i cried the hardest i've ever cried in my life. that whole night.

room 2-1 in the alpha gamma delta house, purdue university, 2003. my dad's been unemployed for a year and is starting to get down on himself some. i get a phone call while im sitting at my desk telling me he's accepted a job and my parents will be moving to california. i cried for 3 straight hours. not because i would be going, not because i would have to change schools, but because the house i grew up in was going to be someone else's and my parents were going to be 2000 miles away.

dining room, alpha gamma delta, january 2004. it's annual recruitment. but it's our senior year. for the past 3 years i've watched people sit on the stairs and cry with their pledge class, each year, understanding a little bit more about why. now it's our year. i read a letter that i wrote about the last 3 years of my life. prior to this, never realizing the importance. but the combination of expressing everything i felt about the past three years as well as being surrounded by what i knew to be my best friends, while waving goodbye to something so fulfilling and welcoming... well, it was hard.

december 2004. a short moment. sitting in the car with my dad while he's about to drive me back to purdue because i'd just been in a really serious car accident and no longer had a car. he expresses his concerns to me and actually uses the phrase, "you are my life." i can still hear how it sounds.

december 2004. picking up the last things i had in apartment 8 on 305 n salisbury. i had just graduated college. my roommates were all gone. we'd spent the last night drinking 25 cent beers, crying, and eating delivery mexican food and drinking boxed wine after the bars. we spent the last week knowing we had to go. i grabbed my bag, i headed for my car, looked one more time over the now empty apartment, seemed impossible it was over, shut the door, locked the door and headed on my way. i dropped off our apartment keys wtih tears in my eyes. got into my car and knew that the minute i ramped on to that highway 65 my life would be completely changed as i knew it. purdue would be completely changed as i knew it. this chapter was over. bittersweet cause though i knew my friendships with my roomates would last a lifetime, a sadness because our college lifestyle, our four years, was up.


...to be continued.