a late night halloween realization

3:30 a.m. i just woke up. i guess, happy halloween! ha. i just had a dream though so i felt like writing. because i woke up and i wasn't even in a daze. it's weird, i was like awake and started thinking. and i just went to bed at 11, so i really don't understand why... but that's alright.


it is kind of funny how things end up. i think about all of the people i've met in my lifetime... and allowed myself to become, at some point or another, close to. a lot of times that was setting myeslf up for disaster. but it's like, when i was younger and i guess in more social settings, i didn't really care. it was almost like i could have complete disrespect for somebody, and still call them a friend. that has, since college, all changed.

i realize now that i can't enjoy someones company if i don't respect their lifestyle. by that i don't mean that they need to be just like me, but i think you have to have a certain amount of respect for yourself, and respect for other people...to be respected. a lot of people that i used to call friends don't fall into this category, and i've noticed the distance since college. and the weirdest part? it feels so healthy.

i'm not saying i'm perfect. i am most certainly not. i have made a lot, and i mean a lot of mistakes in my lifetime. i have a lot of regrets. but i think i have learned from them, and i think that i can say with a pretty decent amount of validity that i treat my friends with the same respect that i feel for them. and people who don't do that in return...well, i don't need them.

i know certain people are evil. i know some people just do not seem to care if they hurt you or not. i've realized all of this. i've had plenty of friends through the years, come and gone because they were out for themselves and themselves only, and honestly did not care if they hurt anyone along the way. i was not built that way. i don't understand it. but i have realized that is how it is, and now, at almost 24, i've surrounded myself with people whom i have mutual respect for. this natural selection process so to say, has cut out a lot of the drama in my life, a lot of the guilt i used to feel for being gossipy, either first or second hand, and a lot of the paranoia i used to feel hanging around people that i knew would hurt me, had they had the chance. everyone in my daily life right now is a positive, and it feels very healthy.

wow, that was a lot to write at almost 4 am.
well, happy halloween. goodnight.