four in the morning.

so it's four am. this is the first time i've been up at this time on a work night in a really long time. actually, maybe even the first time ever since i started my job. i don't know what my deal is. i went to sleep at 10, woke up at 3 and i can't stop thinking long enough to get back to sleep. i've been a little anxious all day. it happens sometimes. ugh.

the thing is, i have a really bad habit of freaking myself out about things i shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. and i have one of those minds, unfortunately, that once it gets going, does not stop. so here i am, 4 am, tossing and turning when i know very well i have to be up at 6:30 over things that i really need to quit thinking about.

i'm really freaked out about this whole youth thing being over. i guess i feel like i missed out on some stuff. like, i know i have great friends and family, and i had fun in school and all of that, but it scares me that you can't go back to being 16. i guess i have this image in my head of what being 16, and 17, 18, 19, 20, 21... is all about. and i just don't know if i did things right. i know that's a pointless thing to even spend time thinking about, but for whatever reason, i think about it a lot. and i tell myself "you can't go back." and i know all of that. but there is still something that i just feel like i messed up on.

when i was younger i feel like i never worried about anything. now, that may just be because the things i worried about seem stupid now, but seriously, now i'm worried about something ALL the time... i hate it. i wish i didn't think so hard. i really do. i seriously can not relax. it sucks.i'm way too hard on myself.

i wish i had a lot of answers about things. i'm scared one day i'm going to be old looking back on my life and wish i'd done things differently. i'm also scared i might never get old. i don't know. i have problems. i wish i had some more solutions.

sorry for such a depressing post. just needed to put all of this somewhere instead of tossing and turning... seriously, i felt like i was going insane. i feel a little better now. hopefully, tomorrow's a new day. hopefully, the next post is way more optimistic.

goodnight