glimmers

walking down the street tonight, i had one of those moments that i like to think of as movie moments... where the scenery surrounding you is so pretty, nature comes alive, and you feel like it's almost unnatural because it's perfect. movie like.

i was walking down the street around six, up north toward where i live and watching the first snowfall in chicago. it wasn't heavy snow, or big snowflakes. it was dust, the kind that really only shows up in street lights. but it glimmers. and it offers the feelings of a new season. the nostalgia of the holidays. the feeling of something new, something fresh.

a change.

i'd be lying if i said i walked down that street today and didn't think about where i was a year ago at this time.

either way, i enjoyed it. i put on my warmest coat, and instead of taking the bus, i walked. there are only so many days that you can actually enjoy the snow, because of course, this is the mild part. but it's still pretty now. it won't be in a few weeks.

i came home and went to dinner with a friend. and were both talking about how pretty the city looked and how happy we were to be here.

i came home to someone telling me that they missed me.
that they were down today. felt gray. that it was gray there.
that they wished they were here.
wished they could see me.

it takes every bone in my body to not respond with instinct, and that first instinct is to eat it up. to take every one of those words and yell "me too!" and "i thought of you all freaking night when i walked home tonight."
but i know that i can't do that.

my second instinct is to say, "you could have had all of that."

i just wonder why it has to be like that. and why it takes someone being lonely to realize what they've lost. i sometimes just wish we, as people, could just stay in that moment. and not leave it. to have never left that place i was in about a year ago.

but then i know that we'd never appreciate the times we were in the moment. as much as i want to be the eternal optimist and believe that life can be all euphoric and wonderful and no one ever has to get hurt, i know that the reason we love and remember the moments in our lives are because in some way, they made us feel something. and unfortunately, if we never felt what it was like to not have something, if we never felt lost... if we never felt hurt, well...it would be pretty difficult to feel love.

amazing what one snowy evening can evoke.

our new president

i experienced history last night.

i went to grant park to watch the results of the election come in. i stood among hundreds of thousands of chicagoians and others, to watch these numbers collect and mean something and wait for Obama to speak.

i have never felt so much patriotism in my life.

i have never seen Chicago, as a city, seem so undivided.

i have never been so proud to be an American.

the crowd was big, but it was calm. and for awhile it was like watching TV only with about one million people... and then they announced it, early. Barack Obama would be our new president. and this crowd began to celebrate, and cheer. and cry. and for probably the first time in my life as a chicagoian, i saw this city unite. i looked around me and it wasn't segregated by race, by status, religious affiliation, or by age.

EVERYONE was there.

and i saw promise in that. sure, it's just one night, but i've never seen a presidential candidate who has been able to bring together that kind of a crowd. i can't help but see it as a glimmer of hope for our country's future. it was inspiring.

we watched McCain speak and say his part, for the most part, with respect. he spoke well and spoke positively of the outcome, and i truly believe, ended his part of the race with grace.

and then, there were about four songs. and anticipation. lots of anticipation. everyone is waiting for Obama to take the stage and speak. they played Sweet Home Chicago, and the crowd was dancing, smiling, laughing, crying.

i'll never forget it.

Obama came out and gave a speech that i know will be in my children's history classes. i have never been so moved by so few words. and i have never believed someone with so many big promises. it gave me chills. the crowd was in tears. strangers felt like friends. and there was a strong sense of unity that i will probably never forget in my whole life. i may not remember every word he said, but i'll never forget the feeling of standing amongst all of those people who all have a passion for this country to change and a common goal, and really honestly feeling like we really are all the same. we're people. we're not poor people, rich people, black people, white people. we're people. we're americans. we believe in this man and we believe in our country.

i felt it. i really did.

i'll be the first to say it - we don't know what's going to happen. anything could happen. but i believe in this man and his willingness to do everything in his power to keep his promises. i really do.

and i don't think i've seen as much american pride and unity as i saw last night. not even after 9/11.

yes we can.

good will hunting

it's still my all time favorite movie. 11 years old now--still my number one.
this is my favorite part. even reading it gives me the same emotions that the movie does. not a whole lot of movies can do that.

Sean: I was thinking about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. I stayed up half the night thinking about it, and then something occurred to me and I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep and haven't thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?

Will: No.

Sean: You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Will: Why, thank you.

Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.

Will: No.

Sean: So, if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You now a lot about him I bet. Life's work, political aspirations, the Pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. I've seen that.

If I asked you about women, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and you've been laid a few times. But you can't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.

You're a tough kid. If I asked you about war, you'd probably throw a sonnet right at me, right? Once more, until the bridge, dear friends. But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath, looking to you for help.

And if I asked you about love you'd quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and be totally vulnerable. Known that someone can level you with her eyes. Feeling that God had put an angel on earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have that love for her to be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself.
I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

I look at you and I don't see an intelligent, confident man: I see a cheeky, scared, shitless kid. But you're a genius, no one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine. You ripped my fuc***g life apart.

You're an orphan, right? Do you think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who your are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that incapsulate you?

Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because, you know what: I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some fuc***g book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you sport? You're terrified about what you might say.
Your move, Chief.

the one that got away?

i wonder a lot about that whole concept of "the one that got away." from all aspects. i wonder if i'm anyone's "one" that got away, and i wonder if mine has already gotten away too.

i really believe in the concept.

i don't get over things quickly, if ever. it's something i'm working on. being able to let things go. i think it's my best and worst asset-my sensitivity. i think on one hand, it's what makes people like me--because i care about everything and everyone. on the other hand, it sometimes means that i'm hurt too easily. catch 22 i suppose.

as much as i'd like to say the opposite, i know that i'm not over some of my ex boyfriends. of course, it's nothing like it was during the initial breakup where i was like losing sleep and whatnot. but i miss things about them.

and of course, there's things i don't miss at all. like driving myself crazy wondering what they're thinking. or having that paranoid feeling that something might be wrong between us.

yeah, i don't miss that.

i don't miss the long distance. i don't miss the ex girlfriends in the picture.

but i do miss things.

the little things. the late night talks. sleeping next to somebody. walking down the streets of my favorite city in the world, and actually being part of that whole couple thing. those couples always look so happy. i have to admit, it was nice to be on the other side of the fence and be one of those couples for awhile. to walk down the street to dinner and hold someones hand and be genuinely happy. discovering new things about each other all of the time--yeah, i miss that. brushing your teeth together in the morning. giving each other a hard time and laughing so hard that it hurts. i do, i really miss that stuff.

i've never been one to "need" somebody. in fact, i was thinking about it recently, and unless you count the children i babysit for, i'm always by myself. almost always. i'll meet friends for dinner and drinks. i see my parents once in awhile. i'll talk to someone in a store, but for the most part, i'm usually by myself. i live by myself. i run errands by myself. i even go to sit down restaurants by myself.

years ago, i think that would have bothered me. i would have felt lonely. i've kind of grown to love it. it's nice to have space, and i'd say most of the time i appreciate the space that i have. definitely. but, every once in awhile there's just that need for company... and when i don't have the option, i start to miss the times that i did.

i saw a sex and the city episode recently... the one where carrie is talking about all of her friends getting married, and having babies and whatnot... and she kind of came to the conclusion that she wasn't alone... she was dating new york city. it sounds silly i guess, but i actually totally related to it. i feel as if i'm sort of doing the same, only my city is chicago. i don't necessarily think i'm "dating" chicago, but the point was well made. you live in this wonderful city and action is all around you. things to do on every block. it's really quite welcoming to be single and there's so much to do.

i have to say though, there are nights like tonight, that i wish i had someone to talk to as i fall asleep. i miss those things.

dean told me he missed me today. too much he said. honestly, it's good to hear. it is. but it's so confusing. it was around this time last year that we really started to date. so, things remind me of him right now. the fall, the holidays... places we went together and things like that. i don't think anything will ever become of it, but who knows, i guess.

i still think about matt, too. it's strange, he had such an impact on me for some reason. he was just a good person. i'm just happy for the time we had together, regardless of how it ended. it was fun and i enjoyed it, and i loved his simplicity, his attitude, and his rebellious nature. we had a lot of fun together. it was a good summer.

just kind of thinking out loud i guess tonight.
so, until my next writing inspiration happens... night.


I guess you get used to somebody
Kinda like having them around
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy
Bring you up when you're feeling down
I never dreamed when I was letting you go that
I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody,
I guess you get used to being loved

october

just got back from indianapolis. i went to see allison for lily's first birthday, and lindsey and lisa did as well. it was a nice little college reunion. it's always fun when we're all together again. things have changed (like we exchange cleaning product suggestions and recipes instead of drinking two beers at once now) but we're all still the same. and it's always fun to talk about old times at purdue... we really did have a blast in college. i'm lucky to have such great friends. no matter where we live and how much things change, we can still get together and have a blast.

i've been pretty crazily busy lately. it's good. between two jobs and weekend babysitting, i might drive myself insane (and i start school in two weeks on top of all of that). but i like being busy. i think i forget that i like being busy sometimes... but i really do enjoy it. i think i'm meant for a fast paced lifestyle. i was bored for so so long.

i love chicago in the fall. every day makes me happy :) i love this weather.

i'm very excited to start school again. i really love learning. i kind of feel like my brain has been on a bit of a vacation this quarter. excited to start up again. i can not believe i only have four classes until i graduate! that's insane. i feel like i just started, seriously. it's actually been quite awhile though and it will be great to finish up. i think i'm going to study abroad this summer - so that's exciting. i'm deciding between sydney, bejing and rome. we'll see! pretty diverse options, i know. i have time to figure it out though.

this is a bit of a boring post... i'll try to be a little more original next time. :)

chin up

it's my favorite time of year.

the only time of the year i find myself looking around, smiling while walking around, thinking about life and the city and everything else wonderful.

fall.

i don't know what it is. i love the fall. everything about it. the fact that you can wear a sweater and flip flops at the same time. the colors. the smell. the crisp air without a coat. sleeping with the windows open. pumpkins. festivals. leaf piles. knowing that family time and holidays are around the corner. i love it all.

the first perfect day of the year to me, is the day you can leave the house in all of your favorite clothes, at once. not worrying about whether you'll be cold or hot. i love that. short sleeves, long sleeves, sandals, or socks, you're good.

i left my place this morning, and it was just one of those perfect mornings. i woke up about a half hour before my alarm went off and while usually i'd go back to bed, today i felt energized and got up. i love it when i do that. it's so nice to get ready and not be rushed, or tired. and know that you have that extra twenty minutes or so to run to starbucks or take a walk or read part of your book in the morning. i love it and i'm glad i don't do it every day, because i wouldn't appreciate that extra half hour... and time moves too fast to not appreciate a half hour once in awhile.

so this morning i got up. i got ready. i threw on a turtleneck, jeans, and flip flops... stopped at starbucks for a coffee. made a to do list. walked around chin up looking around me and just thinking about how very much i loved that moment.

not to be pessimistic, but let's just say we all know it's only weeks away when the frigid cold comes. you know what i notice the most? in the winter, it's depressing, not only because it's freezing, but because everyone walks with their head down. it's like the social aspect of the city is gone. there's no more eye contact with strangers. no more friendly morning hellos to the people you pass or the bus driver. it's just too cold to look around. and there's so much to see.

alright, enough about weather and seasons...

the past few months have been good to me. i've started working again, and maybe even too much because i'm so busy now. but, i like it. i had too much down time, i realized, and it's not good for me. i'm so much happier when i'm busy, productive, and at the end of the day, tired. i had forgotten, but i really missed all of those things in my life.

i'm not in school right now (for just this quarter) simply because i'm adjusting to these new responsibilities, and time constraints. but i'll start up again in early november. according to my advisor, i should graduate approximately one year from now. it's been pushed back a bit due to multiple things (having to drop a class, opting out this quarter, etc) but i'm fine with it. i'd rather take my time and take it all in. i love school, and i get so much more out of it when i have it in the right balance. there was a time when i was working 50 + hours a week, and taking 12 credit hours. it doesn't sound impossible, i know, but i just wasn't enjoying school, and that's not like me. i'd rather enjoy my classes, take my time, and graduate three months later than i thought i would.

and then... the big news. i've decided that i want to teach. i'm going back and forth about what to do about this. i contacted a lot of illinois schools with great MEd programs... but i don't know. something about getting another masters seems like backtracking to me, so right now i'm looking at phD programs. i've decided on this for a number of reasons: first, i've always wanted to teach college more than i've wanted to teach high school, middle school, or el ed. the reason for this? i know that i want to teach english. and not just teach english, but i want to teach it to students that want to learn english. not the langage necessarily, or linguistics, or grammar specifics... but studying literature. the written word. writing.

i want them to love it. to live it like i do. to think like a writer. to read like an author. and, i think to get those kind of students, you need to go to the higher level.

anyways, that's the plan for now. we'll see. so far i've only looked into programs in austin... and UT Austin has an awesome phD education program. i can't apply until i've completed my masters... so we'll see. but let's just say i'm not excluding the possibility of moving. i wouldn't move just anywhere, afterall, i love chicago too much to abandon it for a city less satisfying, but i'll say this--the first time i landed in austin, i thought (which i rarely think), "I could live here." and it's been in the back of my mind since. part of me, a big part, thinks i should live somewhere else for awhile. after all, i know where i'll end up (chicago). so why not? but, that's a year down the road, so i guess right now it could be considered "an idea."

enjoy this weather. and the season. it's only a few weeks long, afterall.

chin up.

Always Midnight

Are you blind?
Can't you see me standing here,
waiting in line for you?

Are you mine?
Not just when you want to be,
All of the time.
Are you?

Are you blind?
Don't you see me standing here?
Won't you tell me what it is I'm waiting to find?

with you,
It's always midnight...

fitting words

i love this quote by adam duritz. i read it every time i'm in any sort of a rut. it makes so much sense to me.

"Things only end, after all, because they once began, so maybe all these endings are just the last things that happen before something else begins. Maybe you even come to an end so that you can simply step back and take a clearer look, then see a better way to begin again. There are things I wish I could begin again. "-Adam Duritz

butterflies

i can think of few moments in my life that have given me actual butterflies--so cliche, i know. it's a strange word for it and actually a strange concept in general.

a combination of nervousness and excitement that makes your stomach flip. hmm, butteflies.

i'm on the bus right now headed to columbus to visit Brandy. the last week or so has been sort of a whirlwind of emotions for me. i'll spare the details, because it's not that important to list them--but it's kind of crazy how things can all come at once sometimes.

i'm excited to leave town. as much as i love chicago, but sometimes everyone needs to step out and get a breath of fresh and unfamiliar air.

i booked this trip in early july. and in the past week i've spoken to someone who was close to me that i've kind of spent the last two months or so guarding myself from. and guess who's moving this weekend... to cincinnati. i swear all of this stuff is sometimes a little too coincidental for a girl who puts so much thought into the possibility of fate.

i finally got what i'd been looking for since february or so--an admission of truth and feelings.

i think you are one of the most amazing people i've ever met and i don't want to lose you from my life.

Finally.
Thank You.

THERE is the person i've spent all of this time missing. i knew i didn't imagine him. and hey--sometimes, you don't realize what you are missing until it's not yours anymore.

we talked about things. REAL things. for the first time in months. a real conversation that finally got past hello and how are you. i can't even explain how refreshing it was.

you know, from the outside persepctive, i totally understand why everyone was telling me to just let it go. but the truth is - i never could. and i tried. my God did i try.

it just never worked.

i'm not good at forgetting about people, cutting them off. i'm just not built that way. my heart makes the decisions.

ironically as i've been writing this the songs on my ipod that played randomly are "Comfortable" by John Mayer and "Lose You" by Pete Yorn. combine those songs messages--and well, that explains the butterflies.

a combination of remembering and feeling once again something so comfortable... being wary at the same time, missing things but looking out for what i know is a very fragile heart.

but still fearing the possible loss of something i know once made me so happy. something i've never felt until that.

a mix of emotions.
butterflies.

you know, my parents never fought much when we were young. in fact, i only remember one real "fight." i specifically remember being confused because my mom was reading in the guest room. and well, we never used that room. being young and confused about it (and knowing WAY too many people with divorced parents) i remember asking my mom why they didn't just get divorced.

i remember that all she said was:

"I'm in love with your father Amy, even when it's not perfect."

it was a hard thing for a little girl to understand her mom saying over tears. but i get it now.

and on a bus, to columbus, over some really good music and a few tears, i'm saying the same thing to myself.

simple things

today was a thinking day for me. i guess to some extent, every day is, but i really sorted stuff out tonight. i thought about everything: working, money, life, friends, family. this list could go on forever.

i realized that i appreciate simplicity. in everything.

i like a calm environment.
i like a clean room.
i like going to bed and not setting an alarm.
i like who i'm with more than what i'm doing.

all of this made me thinking... what is it that these things have in common? what do i like?

i like the simple things in life.
i like seeing a sunset. or a sunrise.
i like when there are no expectations and i'm able to be myself.
i like flip flops that cost five dollars.
i like jeans that aren't expensive or perfect but fit well.
i like vanilla ice cream more than the flavors.

anyways, my point is this: it doesn't take a lot to make a person happy. in fact, when you aren't trying, well, those are the best times.

i anaylzed the guys i have dated, and my conclusion is that the best time i've had with someone is when we're doing nothing at all. i don't need the fancy dinners. i don't need the vacations. the times when i really remember are when we're doing something so low-key and unplanned.

i've dated both types: one that thought an expensive dinner would win me over, and one that wanted to just get off of work and feed the ducks, or play tetris.

i prefer the latter.

money doesn't matter to me, and i'm so very glad i know that early in life. i'd rather the dates where you go feed the geese the backyard, go to costco and get free samples for the hell of it, go to a pet store and pet a puppy. those are the times i remember. those are the things that stick with me.

i'm so very grateful to know that everything else doesn't matter. it's about company. it's always been about company. i can't name every restaurant/bar i've been to but i can tell you every person i've had fun with. there's something to be said about that.

Goodbye Alison

On August 5th, a sorority sister of mine, and friend, passed away after a very long and hard battle with cancer.
She was 27.
27.
The more I think about it, and the more I try to make sense of it, well, I can't. To me, it doesn't make sense.
The only conclusion I have is that she must have gone somewhere better, because her husband and family and her life was wonderful. It only makes sense that she left this world for something better.

I've been following Alison's blog and her husband Tom's blog for several years now. I was reading back, and back in 2006, a group of my sorority sisters and I sent her a care package of fun things like pajamas and coffee and candy and gift cards. It doesn't seem that long ago that we did that, and I guess that's because it wasn't.

I never knew Alison very well in school. I remember her, I remember living with her, and talking to her, but I never got to know her. After following her story, I've really felt close to her and kept her in my daily thoughts. It was heartbreaking to read, but I just kept hoping it would get better. There were ups and downs.

And then this week I was visiting Janna in Grand Rapids, and I got a text message that it was over. We sat in silence at dinner for a few minutes. There was nothing to say. Both of us were shocked--and it's weird--it's not like we never thought there may be an end in sight. I guess we just hoped there wasn't.

She was an amazing person. So creative. Such a big heart. Made such a difference in so many peoples lives. It's not fair.

I know it made me want to call everyone and tell them I love them. And stop sweating the small stuff. Stop being sad about money and ex boyfriends because I have my health, and my family, and really, it put everything in perspective.

Alison, you were and still are an inspiration to me.
The world will miss you, but I know you are at peace.

Read Tom and Alisons blog if you get the chance. It will change you.

Train Thinking

8.4.2008

On a train to Grand Rapids

I’m on a train to Grand Rapids right now, on my way to stay with Janna and see her house and get together with Steph. I decided a few months back that I needed to visit some of my friends this summer while I have the time… So I am doing this and going to see Brandy and Brian and Addi in early Sept, and Allison (with Lindsey in town!) in October. So, all of that should be exciting.

So that’s what I’m doing, but that’s not why I am writing.

I know I haven’t written in awhile—I’m not real sure the reason. It’s kind of sad, but I think I only tend to write when I am sad. I’ve thought about that a lot – and whether or not it’s weird to have that tendency and I’ve kind of concluded that some of the best writing is done when some sort of strong emotion is involved. I think in a weird way, it causes inspiration, or therapy. Something, I don’t know. But words are so much stronger when people write them out of pain, for whatever reason. I guess that’s depressing, but it’s pretty true. And it rings true for me definitely. When I write and I’m 100% happy, it’s all like “life updates,” and sometimes I get to the end of the post and I think “Does anyone actually care about this?” I don’t know. Anyways.

Something about trains makes me sad. I don’t know if it’s because I am always listening to music and looking out of a window… And there’s something movie-like about it… Don’t you feel like a lot of emotional parts of movies involve traveling on trains? That’s always when they’re listening to that sad song, looking out the window almost as if they’re looking back on their life…

Maybe I’ve seen too many movies.
Or maybe I just spend too much time on trains.

Well, most of my train rides are 45 minutes to Naperville. This one’s 4 hours. That’s about five times the songs I’ll hear than my regular train trip and even those really get to me. So, I got to thinking and I got to crying. Not totally crying, but getting choked up, and I don’t cry a lot.

You know, I had just gone through a long period of healing and forgiveness with someone that I’ve known for a very long time. When we left off, I was really hurt. It took a lot of months and a lot of thinking for me to be able to totally “heal” and live my life again, and even more months and thinking for me to be able to forgive him. I’ve learned a pretty big lesson on forgiveness as of lately. I forgave an old friend of mine who really hurt me awhile back, and I felt pretty damn good about it. I was like “Wow, I am honestly able to say that I forgive her,” and I’m definitely the first to admit that I’m stubborn. But here’s what I learned: The reason I am stubborn is because I’m protecting myself, because sometimes forgiving people is setting yourself up for disaster.

This particular forgiveness incident made me vulnerable. It made me go from not talking to him, to wanting to see him again. It made me go from waking up every day without needing that phone call or that email, to looking for it, waiting for it, and hoping to close every one of my days by saying goodnight. And for awhile that was all good and well and I somehow tricked myself into thinking this could all work again.

It was the distance.
He never really hurt me, we were just far away.
It’s worth another shot.
I can’t just let this go.
He didn’t mean to.

This was after a certain email I got about a month ago from him telling me that he read all of my old letters and wanted to tell me that he missed me. Okay, fine. I’m a girl. I’ve missed him all along. I’m sensitive by nature. This was all I needed. He was back in my life like that.

And we started to talk more and more. Everyday again. And started to talk about the future, and the possibility of living close and starting over again. And that we were both sad about how things ended. And all of those other things people talk about when they have that “I miss you,” talk. It felt SO sincere. So real. That’s the best way I can explain it. I don’t consider myself to be a stupid or naïve person, but I believed every damn word. And maybe he meant every damn word. I don’t know. I’ll never know.

So a month went by, and he was coming to Chicago on business. Busy of course, all day long. So we figured we’d make plans to see each other at night after he was done with work, but early enough so he could get a good night’s sleep before the morning work madness. It was a Tuesday. Last week.

I felt like it was my first high school dance.

Here was someone that I’d spent weeks with, who had seen me in the mornings at my worst, and yet I felt like I was sixteen again getting ready. I found myself calling my friends asking what to wear so I looked like I didn’t try too hard, but still looked my best. My heart was beating a million miles a second. I was so, so, excited. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Probably not since I picked him up at the airport for the first time last December. It’s a crazy thing that someone can make you feel sixteen again.

And he did.

A lot of my friends showed concern about me going to see him… and in hindsight, rightfully so. My answer was simply that I had to go, because, “I had to know.”

So I got ready. I did stupid girl things like wash my hair twice just so I would have that shampoo smell in my hair the whole time. Made sure each stand of my hair was perfect even though I knew it would probably get screwed up on the train anyways. Mostly though, I was coaching myself. To calm down and not to be so excited. Reminding myself that I had to stay strong that night even if I felt moments of weakness. I had to stand my ground. But all of that aside, I was as excited as a kid on Christmas.

So 8:00 rolls around, I’ve been waiting for two hours to hear from him after a business dinner… Two hours that felt like two years. Time is funny like that. And we’d been text messaging about how excited we were to see each other, acting like nothing had ever happened between us and we could just pick up where we left off. It was an easy thing to pretend because I wanted it to be true.

I could tell by his tone that things had changed. And I started to get that gut-wrenching feeling where I was fighting the reality. The reality that he didn’t really care all of that much whether or not he saw me. How did I know that?

Well, he told me that it wasn’t going to work out and I shouldn’t get on the train because he had early work meetings. Here’s the thing though, the catch…Anyone who has ever had feelings for someone knows how it goes.

You don’t care what you have to do that night.
You don’t care what you have to do in the morning.
You don’t care if you have to hitchhike to get there—you will see that person.
It’s worth it.
You will make it happen.

That wasn’t the case.

The worst part – he knows me so damn well. He knows I spent two hours getting ready (when I am pretty sure I haven’t spent more than 30 minutes since I was like 14). He knows that the minute he told me it wasn’t going to work that I was going to lose it. And it was too damn easy for him to tell me that, and for him to go to bed right after, and sleep through the night.

Well, I cried through the night. I cried, I called my Dad. And he told me, in not-as-harsh, very true words:

Amy, people who care about each other don’t do that. He’s not worth it.

And it was the hardest thing to hear. But the absolute truth. And what else are dad’s for but moments like that? I could tell it broke his heart to know that I had been treated like that. I can’t imagine how much you must hate that guy that hurts your little girl.. but all of that is beside the point. My dad is usually one to make it seem like everything is okay. And he gave it to me straight. So that is when I realized that I had to let this go.

And you know what? It was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, that night. I picked up the phone after talking to my dad, and I called him in a complete emotional, irrational state, which I have been taught since a young age not to do, but I decided this was an exception to every rule that I’d ever been taught. So I called him, and over tears told him that I didn’t think it was right what he did to me that night, and that I could never do that to someone in a million years. And honestly, I don’t remember what else I said, but I said a few more things about how horrible I felt.

And I hung up the phone. For the last time.

And honestly, for almost a week, I’ve been okay. I have actually been impressed with myself. Usually I take these things pretty rough. I’ve been doing fine though. I guess I realized that there are so many other guys who have been and are wiling to treat me right, why am I dealing with this? I was so incredibly mad. I felt so incredibly stupid. I’ve watched my friends and dumb girls do this a million times, but me? How could I have fallen for this? How could I have been so stupid?

And it took a good friend of mine to make me realize that I wasn’t the stupid one. That he was. But I sure felt like I was. Surprisingly though, I went to sleep okay that night. And the night after, and the night after. And I didn’t even want to call him or email him or talk to him.

I still don’t.

Today I did what every girl or guy needs to do in this situation, and that’s to admit to yourself once and for all that it’s over. To get rid of that picture frame in your room that you had up, not because you thought it was real, but because you weren’t willing to let go just yet. To delete his number. To get rid of the old pictures, and the old letters. To literally, erase him from your life.

Truth is, it wasn’t all that hard. That was this afternoon.

I don’t know why but it hit me on the train. It’s so weird, I’ve been totally okay and come to terms with all of this stuff for a week now and then it hit me like a damn rock today. I started getting choked up to music and stuff. It’s not so much that I want to be with him, in fact, I know I don’t. It’s that he was such a big part of my life since I was eighteen. Almost 9 years. It’s just weird to let someone go like that, regardless of the relationship.

And sure, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to miss the times we had. We had so much fun. When I write about it, it makes it sound all bad, when it was really quite the opposite. Just like I said earlier, for some reason, I talk so much less about the good stuff. I’ve never had so much fun with someone—and most of the time, doing nothing at all. That’s when it’s the best. When you don’t need plans and you still have the best time of your life. Joking around, whatever. We never stopped laughing.

But, those were just moments.
This is my life.
I have to pick up. I have to move on.

I know it’s for the best. And I know it had to be done... and I thought it would take everything I had to do it. But it didn’t. At all.

Remember how I said I was going to go see him because I had to know?

So maybe that’s why this all of this happened.

Because now, without any doubt…

I know.

my mornings

i have a new morning ritual. i wake up every morning (okay, almost every morning. but i can't sleep in these days :) and i get an iced coffee at starbucks. and then i listen to my ipod i walk a mile in my neighborhood. it started because it was such a nice day out that i thought "it's too nice to go home!" and i walked around. and then i found that i enjoyed it so much.... and it made me really productive for the day. 

something about getting out in the sunshine. okay, and the caffeine might have a little something to do with it. but, also, i found it's really good for me because there hasn't been a single day that i've walked around without thinking about how much i love this city. and so it reinforces the fact for me that i need to do what i can to stay living here. it kills so many birds with one stone: leaving my place in the morning = exercise, getting me excited for the day, and motivating me by reminding me how much i love living in this city. 

i usually never write in the morning. nights are my reflection time for the most part. but i had a particularly good morning and i thought i'd put this in writing so i don't let this little ritual go. it's good for me. 

two worthwhile stories

you ever have one of those moments where you just kind of look at your life through someone else's eyes and realize just HOW lucky you are? and all of the sudden things are put into perspective and all of the sudden instead of making "to-do" lists or laundry lists of your life problems, you're making mental lists of things you're thankful for and friends you've been meaning to call or send a card to? because you realize, life really is that short. and time really does fly. they weren't lying to us when people told us that growing up. 

anyways.

two stories that made me think like this.

the first, short and sweet as it is/was, i thought about it for three days. i still think about it.

i was walking home from walgreens and there is this homeless man who sits in the corner right outside of the walgreens i go to. and, i pass him all of the time so i always say hello but that's about it, and i keep going on my way. he's in a wheelchair and he doesn't have any legs, so i've always kind of assumed he's a veteran. but once again, that's an assumption. 

i have always liked him though, because there are homeless people that beg for things, and ones that just say hello. he's one that just says hello. he doesn't pitch a sale, and i almost think that's his way of saying "i know if you had the means, you'd help out," without saying a word. he knows he doesn't have to tell people he's homeless. we know. we know why he's sitting on that corner. and we know that he'll take a dollar or a meal if we have some to spare. anyways, instead he usually says hello, or something about the weather. never anything too pushy though--so i appreciate that about him. 

well on my way home from walgreens i see an older man stop and talk to him. i slowed down my walk because i wanted to catch some of the conversation. i heard the older man say (and who knows why he would say this), "you don't have a home, and you don't have any legs." and in the fifteen seconds that i could hear them i caught the man's response... and it really stuck with me. he said "it could be a lot worse. i could not have a soul." 

how true. 

second story. i was in the grocery store on saturday and in the bread aisle looking for some bread to make sandwiches, whatever. anyways, i never really know what to buy and i don't necessarily have favorites so sometimes it takes me forever in an aisle. i must have looked puzzled or something because this woman started talking to me about which bread she eats and how it's lower in sodium, etc. she was probably late 60's. somehow her talking to me about bread led to us talking for forty five minutes. i have to admit part of the time i was frustrated, thinking things like "okay i have raw chicken in my basket, need to get home!" but i could tell that she just wanted someone to talk to, and she liked to talk. so, i listened. after all, it's just chicken. 

and we got to talking about everything, in the middle of the store. what food is good to buy when you live alone, what i want to do after school, what she does for work and her travels and men and life and wow. before i knew it, i knew this woman's life. and she knew some of mine. she mentioned a few times things about living by herself, and living down the street, always being on the road, etc. i could tell (by these subtle comments) that she was lonely. i'd guess either widowed or not ever married, no kids. and i got to thinking "gosh, that is really so true. when you're at that point in your life and you're not married and you don't have kids... who DO you talk to?" i can't imagine. 

so, we finally ended our conversation, and it was because she said something like "you should really go, i know you have a life." and i responded something like "not really!" and later, i thought about it and how lucky i am to have ten people to call if i want to talk about my day. it made me sad for her. when we were walking away she wished me luck and she said "you were really great to talk to. really. this was the best part of my whole day." it was so nice. she made my day too, when she said that. and immediately i felt bad for being frustrated and rushed during the conversation at times. and i learned a very valuable lesson on saturday--to always listen. you never know how much it may mean to someone. 

i certainly know it made me realize how much i take for granted. having a cell phone full of friends and family to call if something exciting or bad happens. 

so, two awakening sort of moments for me. and i wanted to remember them. and share them. that's all for now. 

updates and such

i feel like i used to be much better at keeping up with this thing :) i've been checking out all of my friends blogs and such and i realized that i'm totally neglecting mine. not sure what the reason for that is.

life is good. so excited for summer in the city. it's my favorite time of year, when i can sleep with my windows open and turn the heat off, but i don't need A/C yet. the city just comes alive when it gets warm outside. it's one of my favorite things about living somewhere with four seasons--the warmth is just so appreciated when it comes. i swear, the first day the sun is out people are in flip flops and crowding any restaurant or bar with patios. the sidewalks get crowded again and everyone just seems to kind of come out of this winter hibernation or what have you. i guess you don't have much of a choice when you live in chicago--it's hard to get really excited to get outside and do something when it's like a -20 windchill. so, needless to say, i'm ready for spring. and i think everyone here is! 

just wrapping up my spring classes, 2 more weeks! i'm taking 3 this summer which is going to be a lot, but i figured out that i can either then a) graduate in november (if i take 3 in the fall) or graduate in february if i decide to take my capstone class alone. we'll see, it will just depend. anyways, so exciting! the end is in sight! i can't wait to be done with my masters, it's been so much work, but i've loved it and i've learned a lot. it's still nice to know that i won't be in school forever though. for awhile it seemed that way!

it was my dad's birthday this past weekend. i can not believe my parents are 59. i guess i realized it, but it just seemed so weird to hear it... i just remember when i thought that was so old! and now that my parents are almost 60, it doesn't seem that old anymore. i know i shouldn't think about it, but i can't help but get sad about them getting older. i know it's more important to focus on the here and now, but still. anyways, spent some time with my family this past weekend--which is always very relaxing. i love being home. i also got to hang out with annie and aj and ava so that was great. all of my favorites in a weekend.

so, my brother moved back home. kind of weird. he hasn't lived at home since he was 18, and he's 30 now, so i think it's a pretty big adjustment for both my parents and my brother. it will be interesting! it was kind of hard to be home and watching him move in because we're just so different. it ended up upsetting me because i just think he takes the niceness of my parents to an extreme and takes advantage of them. i got really upset about it--almost like he's taking over their house. usually i don't want to leave my parents house, i couldn't wait to get back home. it's kind of been off my mind since then.

my car left chicago last night :-/ haha. my dad came to get it because i was in an accident a few months ago with this lady that was drunk and it's taking forever for her charges to go through and therefore get my car fixed. plus, i really don't use my car and it was costing a fortune to keep in the city for something i don't use. so, now it's in my parents garage. it will be an adjustment when it comes to grocery shopping and stuff like that, but i'll live. i'm just used to having it! at least i know it's safe... i've never really had to be 100% city girl as far as carrying groceries for blocks and taking public transportation everywhere, but i'm learning as i go... maybe i'll be a pro soon! i've gotten good at taking the bus to the train to get to my parents house... haha, it's a start.

i'm still loving my apartment. i don't think i'm going to move this october. i kind of thought maybe i should try a new area when my lease was up in october, but, i don't know. i'm so comfortable here. i like my building. i don't want to go through moving again. plus, i basically bought my things to fit in this apartment and it just feels so much like home now. i don't know if i can leave just yet... :) we'll see, few months to decide. i do love it here though. and i love my neighborhood. and i love being so close to school!

i have to say, things have been pretty good the past month or so. i can't complain. i've been a lot happier and i think it's because i found peace of mind in the fact that i can't count on other people to make me happy. i tend to do that. i need to do what's best for me. and sometimes that means that i have to let things go that i don't want to let go. all of the things with dean, they were tough, they still are. there are things that remind me of him all over this city. there are songs that remind me of him crowding my playlist. but it takes time and i know that. and i know that i will be just fine and that i deserve someone that is going to ask how my day is. and someone who isn't going to be who i wish they were, but is going to be exactly who they are. 

there's a great song by kate voegele called "wish you were." and i love this one line in it... 

"cause i've seen your act and i know all the facts, 

i'm still in love with who i wish you were." 

that's kind of how it is. i do miss him, i won't lie. but it's who i wish he was. not who i (unfortunately) found out that he was. nothing's perfect and i know that. the worst part is, at the end of that song, it says the same line, but then ends with 

"i'm still in love with who i wish you were,

 i wish you were here..." 

and i have to admit, there are days and nights that i do wish that he was here. i had a dream a few days ago that we were just hanging out in my place, like we used to when he'd come to visit, and the weirdest thing is... the part i remember most is this really big hug he gave me in my kitchen in the dream. i woke up and i felt like i had just seen him. i do miss that stuff, we had a lot of fun together. 

it will take time but i'm a strong girl with way too much confidence to let this bring me down anymore. it's getting better all the time... and waking up to a sunny day certainly helps things. 

until next time :) happy spring. 

i'm sitting in my apartment right now on a rainy night in chicago, listening to my newest cd, jackson browne solo acoustic volume 2. it's a perfect night for a cd like this. it's reflective, it's honest, and the lyrics are amazing. i've always loved music more on rainy days... there's something about it.

still interviewing. trying to find the right fit. i'm hanging in there. i know i'll find a good job, i just know it. :) whenever i need to lift my spirits i read my last post, because it's absolutely true. and i guess it's easy to get lost in the scheme of things sometimes, so rereading yourself think is something i can be very grateful for. 

i should say, due to last posts, that dean and i are through. the best i can make of it is that some things just aren't meant to be. and hey, it's always better to find that out sooner than later. i won't go into detail, but i'll just say that i still think he's a good person and our situations just weren't right. i watched cast away a few weeks ago, and i remembered a post i wrote years ago about that movie. i really love that movie. i mean, i hate the duration of it. i hate the hour on the island that gets kind of boring. but, i love the premise. that kelly kept him alive on that island. and the end, well, it's sad. and he comes home and realizes she was married after she had kept him alive that whole time on that island. but, as with anything, his life went on, and that's how the movie ends. i still love that quote that says, "I know what I need to do now, I need to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise." it's so true. we all have our own definitions of "the end of the world." but the truth is, that's all in our heads. there is so much that this world has to offer me, you, all of us. and, i seem to keep using these cliche phrases, but its really true that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. or, as robert frost said "In three words I can sum up what I know about life... it goes on." and it does. it always does. 

i'm happier than i've been in awhile. maybe that's just what i needed you know? to know that it wouldn't work, rather than to wonder. or to hope that maybe, someday, who knows? maybe it will. but i'm not staying up all night anymore. and i'm not crying or feeling bad for myself. i'm moving forward. it's a great thing. 

anyways, just wanted to post. and, i have to put these lyrics on here simply because i think they're the most amazing written words i've ever seen/heard. jackson browne is an amazing lyricist. i look up to anyone that can write the way he does.

at the risk of sounding cliche...

i haven't written in so long.

let's see... a lot has happened since my last post. first and foremost, i'm not in the rut that i was back then, feeling behind in life and whatnot. i've realized, with the help of a lot of good friends, family, and of course pensive thinking--my potential. it's something i've always known, but it's easy to get caught up in the mess.

i've had a lot of interviews, but unfortunately, nothing amazing as of yet. no good fit. i'm keeping at it. i'm applying to jobs every day and hearing back from them pretty often. it's keeping me busy along with school. i do love school. i'm so happy i stuck with it. i can't wait to graduate, and i can't believe it's so soon.

at the risk of sound cliche, i had an awakening on the train the other day. the train... something i used to avoid at all costs. then, i got in a car accident and now i realize how much i've taken for granted about having a car. it's really insane how used to it i am. i've had a car since i was 16, a working car. public transportation is something new to me.

anyways, the point is i was on the train after spending easter weekend with my dad. my mom was visiting her dad who is getting older, and pretty sick, so it was just my dad and i. we had a great weekend. on the train back i was looking out the window, listening to music and i realized once again how grateful i am. i have such a wonderful family, and when it gets down to it, friends that would be there for me at the drop of a hat. no matter how much i go through, i've really never felt alone. there's always someone that's willing to listen, always someone i can turn to. it's what makes everything worth it for me. i felt like i was in a movie scene looking out of the train window and just figuring everything out. i guess i've done a lot of thinking recently. i'm so optimistic about my future now. i just need to find the right fit :)

life is good. 

life as of lately

my sleep schedule is all messed up. i was on a good track for awhile, not sure what happened. anyways, i have some things on my mind so i felt like the best thing to do... was write. a few weeks ago in class i had to give a "passion speech." the reason my teacher does this, is because she said there was a time in her career path and in her life that she actually forgot what her passion was. she had been working too much. and so, she wanted us to think of that before it's too late.

i thought about it for a long time--and i kept returning to the same thing--writing. and i didn't prepare at all, just got up and spoke. and one of the things that i found came out of my mouth without me even realizing it was that it helps me to sleep at night if a lot is on my mind. it's like talking to someone, except for some reason way more healing. it's like i'm able to drive myself crazy by thinking in circles, but if i get it all out on paper, somehow it seems to make more sense and i can relax. i don't know... but anyways, that's what i'm up to right now. trying to get some clarity of sorts.

let's see--news, my best friend anne had her baby on feb 2. her name is ava maddison and she is so adorable. i'm so happy for her. i can't wait to meet the little girl--i haven't been able to get out to naperville yet because my car needs to be repaired (got hit by a drunk driver, luckily i was okay), and it's hard to get back and forth with school at night. but i can't wait to meet the little girl. she's sooo cute.

in my life i'm still going crazy with the job search. i had a couple of what i thought were awesome interviews, and then they hired someone else. i forgot about how taxing the job search is... because after a good interview, even though i try my best not to promise myself anything, i sort of get my hopes up. and then you get that call, or actually it's usually an email, after waiting a week hoping they pick you--and they found someone else. and then it's back to sending out the resumes and hoping for an interview. it's just so frustrating--it's kind of hard to keep your head up. i know that it's what i need in my life though because i'm driving myself crazy having too much time on my hands. i think i enjoyed it for awhile, but with all of my friends and family being so busy, it's not that fun to be home by myself all of the time. i miss being productive. i've tried to replace it with other things--but the reality is, i really really want to work again. school keeps me busy, but not busy enough. so, i'm trying to keep my head up and keep going with this job search thing. i know i'll find the right one, it's just a waiting game. i know in the end it will be better because i was not happy at loyola. i was dragging myself to work. it took hindsight for me to realize that, but seriously i am so glad i didn't get stuck there. i just need to find something else, something i love.

but, the process, i have to admit, is really getting me down at times.

this may sound kind of crazy i guess, but i just sort of feel "behind" for the first time in my life. it's hard for me, because i was always the one that got the good grades, i got a great first job right out of college, moved to the city... had a paid off car. for awhile there i was really living the life for being young. and now it's like, and i know i shouldn't compare myself to other people but i guess you can't help it, my friends are married and having kids, with stable, awesome jobs. their life is just moving forward and i kind of feel like i'm missing out. i just don't want to wake up and be 40 i guess. i know that's super pessimistic, but that's how i've kinda been thinking as of lately.

man, i haven't cried about this yet but i have to admit i just started tearing up writing this. i guess because i just faced something i've been trying my hardest to put on the back burner. but, the words just came out of my mouth.

i know all of this can be solved and i know i can get back to being successful... but this time is hard. i just feel really behind, and i guess like i'm wasting my time. i live in this awesome city but a lot of times i feel so alone because my friends are all so busy... working, dating, going to school, whatever. and i'm just kind of sitting here watching it happen.

i hate to focus on this--but just to put things in perspective--in a week i literally got two job rejections that i really thought i had a good chance at, i got in a pretty bad car accident and my car's messed up, i found out that i got accepted into a study abroad program but they need a activity fee that i just can't afford right now, the boy i like and want to see lives across the country... and there's a lot of things i think about every day that i can't even begin to understand regarding my personal life. it just seems to all be happening at once.

i miss when i was so happy with my life. i need to get that back.

i know that i need to be proactive, and i can't let myself just stay in this slump. it's affecting areas of my life that i don't want it to. i don't say a lot sometimes because i don't want to hear it myself, but also because i don't want to bring other people down with issues that i ultimately have to handle myself. let's just say i can't wait until its months from now or a year from now or whatever and i can look back on this post and go "thank god i don't feel that way anymore."

there are much more important things to focus on right now--my best friend just had a baby, one of my other best friends just got engaged and asked me to stand up in her wedding, i have awesome parents and friends and i have so many people to depend on if i ever need a hand. i know that's how i need to be thinking. and believe me, i do know how lucky i am. i really do. all of this will fall into place, i know i can handle it!

anyways, i feel better... goodnight.

on humanity

i've been babysitting all week, and like my last post sort of mentioned, i've been a little down. several times it has crossed my mind "wouldn't it be nice to be three again?" i literally watch these kids whos day consists of playing, being cooked for, taken care of, and okay, occasionally corrected but still... their life is as simple as it's ever going to be--and they have no idea.

well today i realized when neala stuck her hand in an umbrella and pinched it, pretty bad. i mean i would have probably been tearing up, and shes three... and you know what she wanted? a bandaid, and for me to hold her on the couch. "i want amy on the couch, i want amy to hold me on the couch. i'm all better." and this may be a little "grey's anatomy type writing" but i thought for a second... maybe kids and adults aren't so different.

my point is this: we all explore things, take the chance of getting hurt, and then once we do, all we want at the end of the day is somebody to hold us and make us "all better." maybe that is one thing that doesn't change, from 3 to 30 to 60 to 100. we all just want to feel loved when we're hurt.

2008 update

the visit was awesome. we had so much fun, and i think we met a new comfort level which was a lot of fun too. the first visit was a lot of figuring each other out, this visit was a lot more relaxed, teasing each other, that kind of thing. it's always refreshing to know that you can let your guard down and just totally be yourself.

new years was great. we really didn't do much which was exactly what i wanted. i kind of feel like when you are with someone you care about, it doesn't matter what you do. originally i thought we needed plans, and then i realized, it's just another night. what did we do? we went to buffalo wild wings, played trivia, ate boneless wings, drank blue moon, and went back to my apartment to watch the countdowns and bring in the new year. haha. i loved it, it was laid back, and perfect, and it was us.

we did a lot of other fun things, too bad it was freezing so it wasn't easy to do much. the warm weather came this week, go figure, but we made the best of it. dean got to go eat all of his favorite missed chicago foods, and i got to introduce him to cafe iberico! and wildfire to meet the parents, which went really well. they really liked him, even my dad who is protective, so, that was impressive. i knew they would, but still. the visit was great. i couldn't imagine a better new years.

of course, the airport is never easy. it comes to that airport day and i wake up in the morning knowing, this is going to be a hard day... and then it is. we try to avoid it during lunch, but then it comes time that i have to drop him off, and it sucks. i've been trying to see it in a new light - think how much fun we had instead of - who knows when i'll see you next. but it's always hard to be that positive when you've had an awesome week with someone who's going to fly back across the country, for a few months probably. but, we said goodbye, and i really thought i was going to be stronger this time. nope, i cried the whole ride home. but, i guess a combination of a happy and a sad cry. certain songs still make me tear up, but it's just because i wish he was here. anyways...all in all, i couldn't ask for a person who respects me more and treats me better. he's really such a gentleman, and so much fun, and we have a blast together. i'm so grateful to have him in my life and that i had him in chicago to bring in 2008.

other updates, i haven't really been myself lately and i really noticed it because of my relationships. i started to kind of let go of things and people i care a lot about, or make irrational decisions/arguments, and not really know what to attribute them to. well, i think a combination of people made me realize (not by telling me, but by talking to me) that somethings missing in my life. like, there is some part of me that is not completely satisified and it's affecting the way i treat others and the way i think about myself. so, i've been trying to combat that. going to bed earlier, applying for more jobs, going on interviews, and just trying to occupy my time more, whether that means getting out in the morning and going for a run, or just waking up and doing laundry, just doing something with my day. it's amazing how much better i feel about myself when i'm productive. it's something i never realized when i was working because i was overworking myself, so i didn't have any "me" time. now i have too much of it. i've always been a deep thinker, and i guess i need to limit my "thinking" time to keep myself sane. if i think about something long enough, i can turn almost anything into a disaster. and that is the last thing i want.

i have so much going for me right now, i just need to get back on the ball. when i was working 50 hours a week, babysitting 10, and going to school 6, sure, i was tired, but i was satisified. at the end of the day, all i wanted to do was sleep, but i slept well because i knew that i really got things done and i was moving forward with my career and my education and that felt good. sure, at times i felt like i was paying rent just to "sleep here" and i didn't feel like i had time to get together with friends for dinner and stuff like that, and that gets tough too. but lately, i've really let myself slip into this comfortable do what you want all day sort of attitude... and i've really gotten way too comfortable with it to be honest. i miss being more motivated, and having a really detailed to-do list. and goals. lots of goals. some that i knew would take me ten years, but i knew i would do them, and some that would get done by the end of the week. i've always been a really motivated person and i'm not sure what happened to me as of lately.

christmas break really made me realize it because the kids were out of town, and my school is on break, and all of the sudden i had NOTHING to do. it was like, i never thought i'd be this way at 26. i always saw myself as an overachiever, because i always was, and i've almost turned into the opposite. i'm not beating myself up yet, it's only been like 3 months without a job, but i know what i need to do and that is to get back on track. occupy my day. it might take me a little bit to find a job, but i can find other things to do. i need to get out, figure out what i want in life and i need to go get it. because it's not fair to me and my potential not to do so, and it's not fair to the people in my life that i'm ending up taking this lack of self-satisfaction out on. i'm just happy i've placed the problem. now it's time to go do something about it. will update. happy new year :)

the way i see it

it's been awhile, i know! my writing has lacked inspiration lately, i suppose, and i really attribute that to the fact that things have been exceptionally well in my life lately. i read my christmas blog from last year the other day, and i realized how much i need to start writing again. i love that i have moments documented, so i need to keep that up.

So what's new? well... the best thing is that dean came back into my life. i mean he was always in it, but he came back completely. we spent a day together back in october, and we had so much fun. it was more natural than i can explain. i was watching sleepless in seattle the other night and they kept talking about how they felt "magic." and thats how they knew. i can honestly say i felt that. sounds cheesy, i know, but we talked all night, and finally, it felt like home.

i've been scared to trust boys since my last incident. in fact, for awhile i thought i wanted to pursue my education and my career and not even worry about any of that other stuff for awhile. but my opinion has changed.

we click. thats the best way to explain it. we just absolutely click. it's to the point that i can predict what he says sometimes, and vice versa. and we just get each other. i don't know if i've ever had that with someone as much as i have it with him.

i feel weird publically posting this, i guess. but a lot of people don't check my blog and i always need to write things down... so, either way, this is how i work. i like to remember great moments... so, if that takes writing them down, so be it.

i always think about my grandma lanie (dad's mom). she was on her death bed, literally, so out of it and she said to me "i want you to have my diaries, and i want you to be a writer. never give that up." and i don't want to. for her, and for me.

anyways, dean came back a month later to visit me. it meant the world to me that he came, and not only that, but we spent 5 days together that just felt so normal. and beyond normal even. natural. we had so much fun together, and we really didn't do much at all... if it makes sense, doing nothing at all and having fun seems so much more impressionable than doing a lot and not feeling anything. i loved our time together. it was great.

he is coming back to visit me over the new year, and i can't think of a better way to bring in the new year. it's been a little bit of a rough year for me: heartbreaks, losing my job, being completely stressed by having no freetime for awhile... i can't think of any better way to start the new year with someone i sincerely care about.

really, i believe in fate. it sounds a little generic, i guess. life is crazy though. i mean, we've known each other forever, and neither of us would have predicted that this would happen... but it's really changing my life. actually, it's turned my perspective on things upside down. i used to be one of those independent girls that thought, i'll be fine on my own, etc. but, you meet someone and that changes in you... and if it's not forever, well, okay. but right now i can honestly say it feels like forever. i'm a very happy girl.

i told him he makes me feel like the only girl in the room. and thats so true. and i guess that's all i ever really wanted. i don't need to be the center of attention. in fact i don't WANT to be the center of attention. but i love that i'm his center of attention, if that makes sense. the best thing about it is that everything about us just feels like home. like sitting at my parents house at christmas. that kind of home. let loose in your pajamas kind of home. so, anyways, enough lovey dovey talk :) . but, i'm incredibly lucky that i met someone that adores me as much as i adore him.

i think it's going to be a great year.
:)

merry christmas, everyone.

finding my "niche"

so over the past 3 weeks i've done a lot, and i mean a LOT of thinking. it started off with sending out hundreds of resumes, and getting frustrated with phone calls of BS job/interview offers, getting my hopes up for a career that sounds perfect and not hearing back, etc.

and then one night i was sitting in class and i realized something... how much i love class. how much i have loved my classes since i started my program at loyola, and how much more i looked forward to school than work. i've always loved school, but i mean, i leave these classes thinking about them for days. they inspire me.

and then in my marketing class we had a guest speaker--and she was an entrepreneur, that (get this) made chocolates from natural ingredients inspired by her world travels. it's this totally crazy concept, but i'm sitting here looking at this girl who is like 30, and completely successful because she followed her heart and didn't care what everyone else defined "success" as and just totally went on a limb and followed her heart. she started making chocolates in her apartment, and now charges $40.00 a box. i'm not saying i want to make chocolates... but

i've made the decision to go to school full time. i think it's what makes me truly happy, and i think until i graduate i'll be accepting jobs that i just think are "okay." and i think i deserve more than that. i've learned about working in the real world, dealing with difficult people, and falling asleep at my desk because i just didn't love what i was doing anymore. i'm done with that. i want to love my job, and i want to love it as soon as possible.

i'm going to nanny full time to pay for my apartment (and my life) and go to school 4 nights a week. i signed up for my classes this week. of course this was a little easier to decide when my classes were paid for, but student loans aren't the end of the world. education is an investment. it's not like i'm buying a porsche. :)

i'm happy with my decision, and i'm really kinda following my heart without thinking too hard about it. hopefully, that turns out to be the right decision.

the best part about it is, i really got out of the rut i was in. i spent about a week feeling bad for myself after i lost my job, and i guess a little ashamed... and one day i was on my way to class and i just thought "this is what makes me happy, productivity. and you know what isn't productive? feeling sorry for yourself." so, i quit that right then and there. and i made myself busy, updating resumes, spending time reading, taking up more babysitting opportunites, and hanging out with my friends.

and ever since then, i've kinda slowly figured things out. i'm excited for this next quarter, i think i'm going to be very happy with my decision, i really do... wish me luck :)

a boring update

A lot has happened for me. It took me awhile to admit it, I guess. I lost my job a few weeks ago. Rough at first, I guess, but in hindsight, I was so unhappy there and I wasn't myself. "You are not defined be your job." That is what my dad says. I am not sure if he's just being a dad or not, but it's comforting regardless.
I have to admit I've enjoyed the solo time. I love Chicago. I love my apartment. I wouldn't change a thing. I really believe I will find a job that I truly love and I'm still confident everything happens for a reason. Anyways, just a brief update. :)

"i haven't seen the sun for weeks,
too long, too far from home.i
feel just like i'm sinking.
and i claw for solid ground.
pulled down by the undertoe.
never thought i could feel so low.
oh darkness i feel like letting go.
follow the strength and all the courage
come and lift me from this place."

renewed my lease!

well... i have absolutely learned to love chicago. it's been almost a year since i've been down here. the only reason i know is because i renewed my lease, seriously. i feel like it was just yesterday i moved down here.

everytime i get upset about paying my rent i think about the times i walk home and it's just me and the city lights. and i realize this is where i am meant to be, right here, right now.

i have been through a lot of changes. almost all good changes. and even the bad--turned out to be good. life really does always go on.

i'm so happy with where i am right now and i have so many people to thank for that. i'm so thankful to god for teaching me independence, i'm so thankful to my parents for believing in me no matter what, and i'm so incredibly thankful to my friends for helping me through any tough time i've come across. or even a happy time--acknowledging that. seriously, i know i don't say it enough but i hope that you all know what you mean to me. this has been one of the best years of my life, and i could not have done it without any of you.

much love.

blast from the past

found an old journal in a drawer tonight. and i found an old entry, well, a few old entries, that i just want to make sure "stick around." i used to believe in writing by hand instead of typing, since computers are not necessarily reliable, and i think there's something to say about things that are handwritten. but i've changed my mind about all that. maybe it's caving in to technology, i don't know what to call it. either way, here's some entries from 2004. oh and by the way, the outside of this journal says "do one thing everyday that scares you. -eleanor roosevelt."

2.4.04

do one thing everyday that scares you--interesting concept huh? i bet that you do anyways, but probably not on purpose. i don't know, i think it's a neat little way to remind yourself to live fully, daily. that's why i picked this book up. it just caught me.

one thing i've learned very recently--and i think it's only because i am actually growing up--but how important it is to surround yourself with people whose lifestyles you respect.

people feed off each other unintentionally.
happens all of the time.

it's also so weird how some people just stick with you. like effortlessly. you'll be friends your entire life. you just, for whatever reason, understand each other.

i guess no one can take that away. life is crazy like that. some things never falter.
__

2.4.04 (separate entry)

wouldn't it be amazing if it were acceptable for people to just let go of inhibitions and tell each other how we feel about them?

it sucks how we're all so scared all of the time.

sure, you'd get some bad stuff. wouldn't the good stuff be worth it though?

twenty people could love me right now and be too scared to speak up. yeah right... but

i think abut how many people i've never told, and the possible things that may have happened if i did. they may not have, but they may have.

and well, there's a lot of room to wonder how much we don't know.

in a way, what a waste... wow.
___

2.4.04 (l0ve this one, gotta love college)

what is the point of me knowing about linguistics? i want to wite--BUT NOT WRITE A DICTIONARY.

i'm ditching class today--target instead. linguistics is a lot harder to learn about... but Target is a lot more fun.

__

2.5.o5

isn't it sad how you can spend all night or day building thoughts on something--trying to figure it all out... and meanwhile the person/thing you're thinking about could be on the other side of the world--livin' life and havin' fun... with no idea how much you are trying to understand.

it's good to care about everything--but sometimes it's hard.

__

2.10.04 (i stopped after this for some reason)

i realized in class today that i have a passion for what i'm going to do with my life. it really gets to me when people are close-minded about their interests as opposted to other people's because people are SO diffeent. i may not be a math major, or a prelaw major and maybe math people and lawyers are viewed as successful... but to be honest, i could care less about being viewed as successful. i want to be viewed as myself.

i've just heard comments on that sort of thinglately. my parents never pressured me toward success--but always told me to follow my heart.

senior year in college, in english 515, i find out that not only were they right...
i listened to them.

more than a teacher

So I finished up my last class of the quarter... And I was taking my final tonight... 15 multiple choice, 15 true/false, 8 short answer, 2 essays... and then the following paragraph at the bottom of our test:
"Hey I really enjoyed you guys. Thanks. You started off so quiet and ended up so talkative. There's always variations between classes but this is the first time I've seen one within the class. Hold on to your enthusiasm--it's an asset. Hope this class and your program is useful to you now and later in life. Never hesitate to call if you have a question--Just because I'm not your teacher next quarter doesn't mean I'm not a friend. Prof. Smith."

I had tears in my eyes. I love when teachers are more than just teachers. It's so rewarding to know they think highly of you (similar to the way you think highly of them). I was just telling my dad last night how school is such a collaborative thing. It comes from the class just as much as it comes from the teacher... I love the feeling of being finished with a class, but it's bittersweet too because I almost feel like after 3 months of spending 3 hours on Thursday nights in this classroom that it's part of my life... and I have somewhat of a relationship with my class.

I was leaving and I turned in my exam and my professor whispered to me "Good luck." And I don't know, it just made me sad. Like for some reason that I'd never see him again, probably, but he taught me so much and I respected him so much. At the same time, it's a good feeling to hand in that final and know you are done. :)

Anyways, heres to being half done with my masters!

amazing

These moments of inspiration, for want of a better word, are moments of transparency really. The thing that gets in the way of our lives, not let alone in creativity, most of the time is our brain, which steps in as sort of an editor from what we’re seeing and receiving from our senses. And adds sort of consciousness to it. And we become aware, and it obstructs our progress in sort of spiritual ways. So, theres a spiritual element to making music.

When inspiration comes, you’ve somehow disengaged your consciousness just a touch. The flow of images comes, and it comes so quickly and so freshly that you know it’s just a transperncy really. You’ve managed to remove the barrier, and you’re just reaching straight in to the good stuff. Then all you’re using your brain to do is as the process plays itself out, you arrange, like a collage, oh that image would be better there… or maybe I could use that in the chorus. And you start to just swipe in to the process enough, to know that when these things come out fully formed, you’re less involved in a sense. And it’s only afterwards people make up how wonderful they are, and their ego tells them how great it is that they’ve written these things. Really, the act of writing good music is to get rid of all that, to get away from ego, and just touch the purity of things and see them for what they are. It’s a fantastic feeling.

It’s similar to what happens when you connect with a song in front of a crowd, but different, much more crowded. In a way, it’s much more intense, but quieter.

i love david gray.

David Gray...
"Following White Ladder, and in it's infancy, White Ladder took so long to break everywhere. We released it in 1998, which is a shocking fact. I mean we were still touring it in the summer of 2001. Three years. So I very much missed a beat, creatively I think. Although what I got in return was an utterly changed world in terms of my career and my sort of prospects as a recording artist. But there was certainly a price to pay. Very early on in 1990 when we cut Lost Songs, when it came to the followup, the world had changed into the latent psychology that kicks in after the success, It's like you've all been drinking the champagne, thinking an I believe that I'm here? What seems to be sitting on top of the world, or Radio City, or wherever you happen to be. And the next thing is making another record. Obviously things changed in my life.

My dad died during this last bit of touring we did. And that really sort of knocked my success. And it was almost like there was some sort of trade off. Here's success, but we'll take your dad. That was very much the emotional tone. The writing that came next was very raw and sincere. And that doesn't mean that the songs that I wrote were any good. Just that it was very real.
So it's sort of a prevailing mood. Very downbeat from what I was writing. Which was hardly the sort of follow up to a sort of pop smash, that you might have wished for. But it's just what came out."

life, good friends, counting crows, and moving on

so, since the last post my life has managed to get even more insane. i don't know what is happening seriously, or how to get ahold of it. i guess just one step at a time. regardless....

friday-i went to iss' jordan and lisa's after work in an attempt to get my mind off stuff. we went to dinner and sat outside (it was so pretty out, and actually for once you could see stars in chicago. so maybe it was only like 4, but still)... then i went out with lisa to meet some of her friends for a bit and chat about life and then we decided to call it a night. so we went back to their place, and as i'm on the way back to my apartment listening to music and seriously starving for my bed, danielle calls me and says "hey, dave and i are sitting outside at this great place with great music... come!" and it just sounded good enough to turn around my car in the parking garage and take a cab over to bucktown.

so, an hour in bucktown turns into several hours of me and danielle talking... until the sun comes up. it's weird how time passes so quick when you get into things and you're hearing sound advice from a really good friend. i was volunteering early in the morning for chicago cares and painting chicago public schools, but sleep just didn't seem important at the time. i still think i made the right decision.

it gets to be around 5 am and neither of us are tired. danielle told me she'd volunteer with me and she had clothes for us to wear that can get paint on them, so this is sounding perfect. we made the decision to not go to sleep. instead around 6:30 we went to my place, made coffee, and headed to serveathon.... which, tired as we were, was awesome.

it's just so nice to know you did something so amazing with your day. seriously, put a bunch of hands together and split them up across the city and change these schools for kids that really don't know much else. as much as it seemed so easy for us, we left that school a different place. those kids are going to have a totally different and more positive learning environment... so rewarding. what else would i be doing on a saturday afternoon? maybe sleeping? shopping? watching a movie? this was time well spent.

so after the serveathon we were celebrating father's day at my parents house by having a barbeque... so i got home and as much as i wanted to go to bed i got in the car and drove home. well, i get to naperville and i'm turning right on ogden to head to my parents house and i get in a fender bender... Great. we pull over, exchange insurance, cop comes, blah blah blah. everythings fine and i get a ticket. i told the cop how i was going to celebrate an early fathers day at my parents, he tells me he hopes my night gets better, and i'm on my way.

i'm at my parents house maybe fifteen minutes when the doorbell rings. i hear someone ask for me and i'm confused like "who knows i'm even at home? who really even lives in naperville anymore?" and i look and it's the cop. haha. he tells me he has more news for me. apparently i was supposed to get my vehicle emissions test for illinois by last wednesday (which i did not know because the notices go to my parents' house). so they suspended my license? so the cop told me he can't justify arresting me when i have a car that will pass and it was a misunderstanding, but he has to write me a second ticket (which will go away-- once i go take care of some things). so that was interesting. my aunt and uncle were over, and my neighbors (whom i've never met) saw the cop in the driveway. awesome.

meanwhile, as i'm getting this accident stuff sorted out i call my parents and tell them what's going on and to go ahead and eat. my dad tells me "well i just told chip (my brother) so i guess i should tell you too... i got fired on friday." needless to say i'm shocked, sad for him, list goes on and on. but i'm also trying to file an accident report. we'd talk about it when i got home.

i get home, open the garage door with my opener only to find that only my mom's sebring is in the garage, but parked right in the middle. this isn't a normal move for my parents. their cars are almost always perfectly strategically parked on their side with just enough room to get out. immediately i'm like "oh my god, they already took the car?" i mean, it was a company car, but come on. it's a car. give a guy some notice. apparently they let him go friday, and had some kid drive him home. needless to say he's shattered. and i can tell. but he won't let on that he is. always trying to be a good example. always trying to tell me that "life goes on..." even when it doesn't seem like it's going to. and i'm here, feeling sorry for myself and almost wanting to walk in the door to my parents house and tell them how unfair life is and cry about all of my problems--because that's just the sort of thing you can do at home--and i look at my dad and i know that my problems are nothing compared to his. and so i immediately became the quiet listener at the party i thought i was going to be the "downer" at.

so this morning my car passed vehicle emissions. haha. i can legally drive again. my parents tried to talk me into staying at the house a few more days, but i told them that this is just something i need to handle and that i can't just run away to mom and dad's for a few days and hope the world's a better place when i return. i have this whole independent thing going on. i'm 25, i have to handle this. i can't expect to just be able to run home every time something hurts. and it's true. but the offer's still on the table, which of course, is comforting. and home's 40 miles away, which too, is comforting. beyond words. because as much as i'm fighting needing it, it's there if i do.

i rediscovered my old cd's this morning. and i guess they're not really that old. i don't know, when i got an ipod (2004) i kind of stopped listening to cd's. it started because i was listening solely to my ipod, then i started to only use itunes, so i'd burn cd's all the time... anyways, i listen to music mostly in the car and i stopped carrying them around. well the other morning i brought them along. and it's been really fun. first i listened to Train - My Private Nation the whole way through. knock them if you want, this is an awesome cd. then i had Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come to Fear the Most in for about a solid week. a very vengeful cd. but so powerful too. the lyrics are amazing, and the beat was just right for last week.

this morning in our hours of errands i put in some new dave matthews (the solo album, and stand up) and spent a good hour with counting crows - august and everything after. GREAT cd. seriously, every track is meaningful and it's the perfect mix of slow and fast. i could go on and on. adam duritz is an incredible writer. i used to keep up a lot more with his blog (he writes all of the time) but i guess i've sort of let that go. until i saw a bulliten that he posted today.

and i swear to god, this happens to me all of the time, but i find something to read that i completely adhere to at the time in my life it happens. like where if it came a week later or a week before i wouldn't feel nearly the amount of appreciation for it that i do when i find it. that's how i felt about this journal entry. that's how i felt about reading Eat Pray Love. and it even sometimes happens with songs. it's a great thing. a great coincidence.

anyways, the things i loved to read this morning from his blog are worth noting.

"I guess you have to make hard choices all the time. Sometimes these dreams you hold on to are just fool's errands you're using to avoid making the hard decisions about other areas of your life. And sometimes the compromises you make are just ways of giving up on your dreams. I used to think I was holding on to rock and roll because I couldn't face dealing with what my life would be like without it. Now it seems like I was just being brave and sticking it out (and I emphasize the word "seems"), but maybe that's just an accident of fate. If we hadn't been successful, maybe I'd just "seem" like one more deadbeat musician right now, someone you're mother wouldn't want you to bring home...as opposed, I suppose (god, that sounds like Dr. Suess), to the dreadlocked musician I am now, who by the way, your mom still don't want you bringing into HER house. "

and the second part:

"The longer your life goes on, the harder the decisions become. Inevitably at some point you're asked to give up something you love for something you love. So, sure, you hope you make the right choice, but there's nothing wrong with giving up something you love for something you love. I mean if you're not willing to sacrifice for the things you love, what kind of as person are you?" --Adam Duritz, Counting Crows

so yeah, anyways... i realize this is probably the longest myspace blog ever. sorry that my life has been that insane. but the good thing is: i came to a realization today, that took me awhile to come to.

that everything i'm going through right now, they're just things. just obstacles. they aren't the end of the world. they seem like it sometimes, but hasn't everything? i remember college graduation seemed like the end of the world. so did high school. so did EIGHTH GRADE. so did moving. the list goes on and on. and so does life.

someone said to me this weekend in regards to their own life something that just rang so true in mine too... "you have to remember that there is a plan. and whatever happens, it happens because it's right. even if it doesn't seem so at the time. trust me, there is a plan."

that is so hard to believe sometimes, but looking back on 25 years i couldn't agree more. i'm in a good spot for the most part, there are things i have to sort out. but who doesn't have things they have to sort out? this too shall pass.

robert frost said that he could sum up what he knows about life in three words, "it goes on." and that it does. and i will be fine.

trust

i'm at work. my mind is everywhere but work. time to write.

the past couple of days have been kind of hard for me. i've been on somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster and i'm trying to sort out my life. i don't know if i'm doing a good job, or not. and i don't know what to do about that either.

it's like i'm, for once in my life, at a loss for words.

in the past few months i've learned a lot about trust. i think it takes me a long time to trust people 100%. but i think i'm pretty trusting as a general rule. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. i like to hope that they have good things to offer me, and aren't going to let me down. sometimes that comes back to haunt me. i don't know if it's just because people think they can take advantage of that, or because people are just people and unfortunately a lot of times, just don't care. but it sucks to be let down by someone you really care about, and even more than that, someone you really trusted.

it's a long recovery process to build yourself back up. that's the hardest part. especially if you're like me. i blame myself for everything. even for things that i know aren't my fault in the least. i can always find some way to tell myself that i'm responsible. i should've done this. i should've said that. i should have followed my instinct.

and a lot of times i fight my gut instinct because i want it to be wrong. i'll have a feeling about something and i won't let it take over me. play it by ear. let things unfold. it's never actually a good idea. your gut instinct is usually right on.

i guess my conclusion is that if people care about you, sincerely care about you, they won't hurt you. and in fact, will do everything in their own personal power to ensure that they don't hurt you. it doesn't happen by accident. if you care about someone, you know your boundaries and i know from being a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a girlfriend at different periods of my life that this is just the unwritten rule. you just don't hurt people you care about. period.

so now where do i stand? in an awkward place. i'm not really sure what to do from here. sometimes when i'm really hurt i feel like running away... just seriously packing up everything i have and getting out of chicago. but then i usually remember everything i have here. sometimes i just want to sleep for a week straight and wake up and hope that the world became a kinder place while i was sleeping. sometimes i get a quick impulse that i want revenge, i want to "get people back." that's usually short-lived though because i don't think there's a point in all of that. and eventually what happens is that i realize that i just need to do my best to wait it out. wait for the calm after the storm. it makes days seem like weeks sometimes and weeks seem like months, but it always works. time heals all things.