big day

i have not written on this blog in forever, but tonight i felt like i should.


my dad is having his 2nd of the major surgeries tomorrow. i'm up because i'm worried. i know that it will go well and i know that he's in great hands (between my mom and his amazing urologist) but i'm still scared. he's just one of my favorite people and i don't want anything to happen to him.

i realize the contradiction in this -- the whole point of this surgery is SO that nothing happens to him. it's to defeat cancer. but i will be honest with you, as the daughter of this man, it scares me.

i don't tell him that. i don't tell my mom that. until tonight, i didn't even tell my husband that. i realized that i hold it together to believe that it will be okay, when really i have been scared since the diagnosis. i stay positive to believe that the results will be positive... but for some reason today when my mom texted me the surgery time, i immediately got terrified.

it doesn't make sense. i've known this was the surgery date for a few weeks now. the time set me off. it made it "real."

in another unrelated (or perhaps somewhat related) deal i read an article today that literally encompasses everything i've learned about friendships that last.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5697930

i don't think anyone even reads this blog, i even forget about it, but i want to save it. it literally encompasses everything i believe to be true about friendship.

dad goes into surgery at 7:30 tomorrow, and i can be there around 3:00. i can't wait for him to be able to move past all of this. it's truly my main concern. 

it has been hard for me and my mom (and i'm sure brother) to watch his positivity, his demeanor change. it's been scary and hard, and i just want to close this chapter for him so that he can move forward with his life. 

to make this full circle - life is truly short. don't waste time on anyone who doesn't care about you. that is the gist of the article and more blunt but it's absolutely, 100% true. 

big day

i have not written on this blog in forever, but tonight i felt like i should.


my dad is having his 2nd of the major surgeries tomorrow. i'm up because i'm worried. i know that it will go well and i know that he's in great hands (between my mom and his amazing urologist) but i'm still scared. he's just one of my favorite people and i don't want anything to happen to him.

i realize the contradiction in this -- the whole point of this surgery is SO that nothing happens to him. it's to defeat cancer. but i will be honest with you, as the daughter of this man, it scares me.

i don't tell him that. i don't tell my mom that. until tonight, i didn't even tell my husband that. i realized that i hold it together to believe that it will be okay, when really i have been scared since the diagnosis. i stay positive to believe that the results will be positive... but for some reason today when my mom texted me the surgery time, i immediately got terrified.

it doesn't make sense. i've known this was the surgery date for a few weeks now. the time set me off. it made it "real."

in another unrelated (or perhaps somewhat related) deal i read an article today that literally encompasses everything i've learned about friendships that last.

http://www.reshareworthy.com/roomba-runs-over-dog-poop/

i don't think anyone even reads this blog, i even forget about it, but i want to save it. it literally encompasses everything i believe to be true about friendship.

dad goes into surgery at 7:30 tomorrow, and i can be there around 3:00. i can't wait for him to be able to move past all of this. it's truly my main concern. 

it has been hard for me and my mom (and i'm sure brother) to watch his positivity, his demeanor change. it's been scary and hard, and i just want to close this chapter for him so that he can move forward with his life. 

to make this full circle - life is truly short. don't waste time on anyone who doesn't care about you. that is the gist of the article and more blunt but it's absolutely, 100% true. 

grandpa phil

we lost a wonderful man in December, my grandpa phil becker.

i will be the first to admit that i took his 91 years of wisdom for granted. i always left his home at alden of waterford knowing i'd see him again soon. he always greeted us downstairs with a smile and always welcomed us politely into his little home.

my grandpa moved to the chicago suburbs after spending years in kansas city. he was moved here because he had family here and it was best for him. i don't know who ultimately made that decision but i am so incredibly grateful for it.

it was because of this decision that i really got to know my grandpa. it is because of this decision that he very proudly attended our wedding in a Catholic church. it is because of that decision that my husband and i were able to meet him for brunch now and then, and that he was able to visit our first home as a married couple for our first thanksgiving as hosts.

i loved him. he was genuine. kind. grateful. warm. he had a strong memory and a peaceful heart. he loved my husband. he never forgot my birthday. he never forgot a single christmas for all of his grandchildren, and he was always stubbornly insisting that he didn't need anyones help. i hope we are all that strong when we are old.

the truth is, after he lost his wife, things just changed for him. god love him. he married the love of his life, literally. his life was not complete anymore once she passed.

on the last day i saw him, he was mumbling but it all made sense to me. he called me sweetheart (as he would always) and he laughed at scotts jokes (as always) and he appreciated my mom and his other kiddos being present. we'll never know if he truly understood us all saying goodbye, but it's pretty awesome that all five siblings were there nonetheless. 

i've had four grandparents. i lost one very young (7). my memories of grandpa chuck are seldom, but i know one thing -- if that is where my dad learned to be who he is, i wish i knew him more.  my grandma lanie (dad's mom) got sick when i was in college. my parents quickly moved back from california to take care of her. she was always a wise irish woman with a lot of sarcasm and wit. my mom's mom, dorothy--or as we called her DD. i didn't know her well as we always lived far apart, but, i can remember happy things about her and how she loved to shop. and grandpa phil....

well, grandpa phil.

i had the absolute delight to know him later in life and i'm so grateful for that.

i will always miss him but i know, truly, all he wanted was to be with Grandma DD, so for that i am grateful. i miss you, grandpa. 

i still haven't been able to use his Christmas gift. it's still in the envelope. i want to use it for something special. i know he would have wanted that. 

rest in peace, grandpa phil. 

selling 836

My parents house went up for sale today.

I didn't really think I was going to care about this house. It's not the house that I grew up in, since my dad's job has moved my parents a few times since then. They spent a few years in California, a couple years at my grandmother's house so that my mom could take care of her while she was sick with cancer, and eventually got back to Naperville, my hometown. It felt like they made it back home at the time. It was a nice house, and with years and lots and lots of time, effort, and updates, they made it even nicer.  Somehow, even though I never lived there long, it became "home" to me. I even had it programmed in my phone as "home," even though it was really never my home. I only lived there about 6 months after college.

Somehow, I've found, that's not what home is about. In fact, their home number is still in my phone as "Home." I haven't lived there in 9 years, and I have a home of my own. But there's something about where you open presents on Christmas morning, or the fact that your parents live upstairs (even when you don't live there). It still was home, even if I never really lived there long.

As a little girl, I remember a sign that hung on our wall. It read, "You never really leave a place you love. Part of it you take with you, leaving a part of you behind." It came with us to every house we've lived in, and I've never forgotten what it says.

When you make memories somewhere, it's hard to leave them there. I remember feeling that way when we left our Texas house, and again when we sold our house on Marblehead Court. It was just a house, but was it? I think my 10 year old self would disagree. The memories we made in that house were ours and they happened there, within those walls. And the same thing happened in 836.

My dad has always talked about building a bar. Since I can remember. He's always said it will be a gathering place, where friends and family come over, and I always imagined it (even before it was built) accessorized from wall to wall with fishing memorabilia. It was finally built, all of those years later, and the amount of floor plans, hanging decorations, and collecting items to fit the theme never ceased. 

And it did become a gathering place for friends and family. It became a reason for people to stop by after going out to dinner. It became a place to make memories, and it just absolutely breaks my heart to see my Dad give it up.

In my heart, I know that this is all just stuff. I know that there are more important things in life than a house, than a bar, than stuff. I truly do know that. I also know that my parents will be okay, and I am grateful they have each other, and us. But I would be absolutely lying through my teeth if I didn't think it was sad for them to sell this house. It's heartbreaking. 

I logged onto the MLS today to see the pictures, and had somehow convinced myself I wasn't going to really care. I just wanted to see the way the place looked. I started scrolling through, and of course, tears. Lots of tears. And instead of just seeing the deck and the bar in the basement, and the family room, I saw my family hanging out in those rooms, and I don't know how to explain the way I felt other than it just hurt and I felt mad at the world. I felt like life isn't fair, and that I am sick of seeing bad things happen to good people. It made me feel like we're lied to our whole life when we're told "If you work hard, you'll have nice things, you'll succeed..." Yeah. 

And I just feel so helpless in the situation, which I think is perhaps the worst of it all.  All I can think about is the two people who have literally done everything for me in my life to not feel sad, or to help me from going through something hard and doing everything in their power to protect me, and not being able to return the favor. It is hard. I know they don't expect anything from me, but I just wish there was something I could do. 

I do realize they will be okay. Everyone is healthy. They'll get a new house, make new memories, and life will go on--it has to. I just had a harder time seeing 836 on the market, than I ever really thought I would. Goodbye 836. You've been a great home to all of us. 

on friendship

So my life is a little bit different now. I live with my husband and we got married in October, and honestly, life has treated us well. We had a gorgeous wedding and not nearly enough time to spend with everyone who was there, but we were still so grateful and glad they were there. I have often said, in regards to our wedding, that if I could do anything over, I'd do it the same... but I'd add about 10 hours. 10 hours of time to spend with everyone.

Everyone told me the day would go fast, and I believed that but I didn't understand. I'd never done this before. It's so amazing and overwhelming to have everyone you love in the same room supporting you, but so hard to not have enough time to tell all of those people how very much they mean to you.

Tonight, I started thinking about the past year or so of my life and all of the changes I've encountered. They are all great changes, but changes nonetheless. I've always struggled with change. I've struggled with aging, not so much in the physical sense but in the sense that nothing is ever the same. It's not a bad thing, it's life. It's just weird.

I find it weird that I look back on college pictures or high school pictures. I feel like I was just there and I sometimes feel like time should stand still... and it doesn't. It's just not how it works.

The point of my post is on friendship. Real, true, impossible-to-break friendships are hard to come by. I have struggled a lot with this in the past year or so. I went through a lot with friends when we were planning our wedding, and people told me that I would. A good friend of mine told me, "People will amaze you, and people will disappoint you." That couldn't be more spot on.

This isn't about me and what I've gone through, however. It's about life. I have really come to the conclusion that people are meant to be with you and close to you for a time of your life. It's sad. I've had a hard time mourning friendships and I still have a hard time with it every single day. I have so many positive memories of so many people and it's hard to understand and deal with the fact that things can't stay the same.

At 32, so many of my friends are at different stages in their life. Some are married with children, some are single, and some are engaged. Some are in love with their job and will have that job for life, and some are still searching for the perfect fit for them. Friends don't have as much in common as they used to, and adult problems and stressors weren't around when we were 16. I get that. We're different people. We've grown up. Our biggest worry isn't our high school crush anymore, or the college final we had to take. We have bills to pay, relationships to nurture, and personal happiness to find.

If there's something that I've learned this far in life, it's that life works out. It does. Not always immediately but it does.

I have also realized in this past year something significant about friendship. My Dad always told me that my college friends would be my best friends. He told me this in high school and I remember scoffing at him about it. I just didn't agree. I still don't agree. I met great friends in college. I also met great friends in high school, and middle school (two of which stood up in our wedding). Thinking about my friends now, the ones who are still strong in my life, this is what I think:

What friendship is to me is understanding that once in awhile, people mess up, but they still love you.  At this point it's like family. They might be mad at you, or annoyed, but they get over it. You're family. Thats how I see my friends.

That you celebrate their life's accomplishments and celebrations. Whether it be a new job, a marriage, or a baby shower. Since when did people start keeping tabs on celebrations? All of these things should be celebrated, life is just too short.

I am not claiming to be a role model for anyone, I'm not. I certainly have my own kinks to work out (who doesn't?) but at the end of the day, it means a lot to me to be a good person and a good friend and I am so grateful to those in my life who feel the same. It's certainly a blessing to be on life's journey with you and I'm so glad to have you in my life.

No matter how happy you are in your life, you always, always, need good friends.

Getting married!

6 weeks from today i am tying the knot. i have not been a good blogger, but i like to think that's because i've been doing my very best to be a good fiance, daughter, friend, and nanny. 

so many changes. i'm leaving the city life and moving to the quiet suburbs. i know that i will miss many things about living downtown-- but it's interesting what i'll miss. i'll miss being close to so many options as far as going out to eat or drink specials or festivals. i'll miss (in some weird, annoying way) hearing noise at 2 am if i am up. i'll miss knowing and greeting people at random spots. it sounds weird but i will miss the 7-11 ladies greeting me every am and knowing exactly what i'm getting when i checkout. i'll miss the guys i used to park with at work that knew exactly when i'd arrive and when i was leaving without me saying a thing. it's always hard to lose something comfortable. it's not that the 7-11 people changed my life, but i mean, they sometimes made my morning. 

i don't want to focus too much on the negative of city life, because i am SO GLAD i spent my 20's in chicago. i wouldn't change a thing. there were times that were tough -- losing jobs, friends moving, ending up with too many grocery bags to walk home and calling a cab... but overall, i absolutely loved it. i wouldn't have done anything differently. i was able to independently explore, and also, eventually, enjoy it with my other half. it was the perfect place for me to be at the time.

i am (as ashamed as i am to say so) grown up. i'm getting married to a man that i love and a man that i wouldn't want to miss another day with. i know that it's so right and i'm so grateful for that. i met him over four years ago and i knew that night. we've already had ups and downs and i'm sure, we'll continue to do so. they'll be bigger, harder, but i can't picture a better teammate if i tried. he's actually dead asleep right now and i'm finishing my glass of wine and continuing to ponder my life situation. see, we're different, but we work. not always perfectly, but i don't believe that anyone does.

tonight i played a song for scott that i think should be our first dance. he cried. i didn't even cry. we have an ongoing joke that he only cries for people that are old and died and sports players that died. so, it meant a lot in some weird way. it also made me absolutely positive that it was the song.

wedding planning has, to me, been fun. i've enjoyed it. my mom has been so excited and fun and beyond happy and i'm so glad to have someone like her. my dad has been the same (except maybe less excited about the flowers and decorations). i've also learned a lot about people. most good, some bad. at the end of the day, i know the ones standing up with us are there for the right reasons and i think everything happens for a reason. 

it's insane that in a month i quit my job, am moving to the suburbs from a 1 bedroom apartment, and i'm marrying the absolute love of my life. i'm scared, but i think that's normal. and i am SO MUCH HAPPIER than scared. :)

here's to the next chapter!!

30.

lately i've been thinking a lot about how i've given up something i love and enjoy - writing. it's mostly because i don't have a ton of interesting things to write about, but then i realized that didn't always matter, and i wrote anyways, interesting or not.  so, i'm going to try to take that on again.

life updates - not much! still with scott, it's been over three years now and though it's not the same puppy love as the first year, it's fun to watch how love grows and changes. and it's so fun to hang out with your best friend, and be in love with him and ready to start a life with him at the same time. i always thought that was cliche - but it really happens.  so that's exciting all of the time.

i turned 30 in november. i never really thought that day would come, i mean even on november 27th (the day before my 30th birthday), i still didn't believe i'd ever be THIRTY. i tried to hide from it, tried to skip it, nothing worked. i'm 30! it's not the number i mind, and it's not that i think 30 is old, but it's just that i can't figure out how it's possible that i graduated high school 12 years ago, or college 8 years ago. that's the confusing part. i'm not having a tough time with my age as a number, but moreso the realization that life is moving way too fast for me and i didn't even realize it until i reached a "milestone," per say. it wasn't like i turned 30 and felt totally different, but more like i couldn't believe that i got my drivers license FOURTEEN years ago. how is that even possible? all of the sudden it started to make sense to me how my dad has always told me that it seems impossible he graduated college so-and-so years ago. i always believed him, but i also sort of thought, "come on, you had to KIND of know." no, it's true. it goes so fast you lose track until you really sit down and think about it.  so, that's kind of what thirty meant for me.

other than that, i feel like i'm in a good place for thirty. i feel fortunate to have two supportive, understanding parents, a boyfriend that would do anything in the world for me, a job, a cute puppy, and live in a great city for seven years now. you can't really complain about any of that.

of course, as it does to everyone, life has still thrown me some hurdles along the way, but i've survived. sometimes i think i won't survive, being the emotionally high-strung personality that i am, but i always do. the older i get the more i realize what's important. the hard part is remembering that when i'm upset. i always KNOW it, and i always KNOW better, but emotions sometimes have a way of getting the best of us. 

i'm still trying to get a bit more comfortable with letting go of people when it's right. 

i guess for a long time, i never thought it was right to let go of people, or let yourself lose important people in your life. i'm faithful that way, a loyal friend - and i can honestly say that i can love people at their worst - and i sometimes feel i deserve the same in return, but, that's not always how it works. i'm not great at letting go. i'm just not. it's been a learning process for me, because between your 20's and your 30's, you do lose a lot of people. and it's not all negative! it's taken me a long time to see that, maybe ten or fifteen years. 

i remember graduating high school and i remember telling my dad those would be my friends forever... and i remember his response, and for the record I DID NOT agree with him. he told me, "wait until college. you'll know those friends forever." i wouldn't have agreed with you about this five years ago, i still would have shook my head... now i'm going, "why does my dad know everything?" ha. 

and maybe he doesn't. maybe that's just how our two lives turned out... but still.

anyway, high school friends, college friends, boyfriends, family, whomever... you have to keep people around that are good for you and people around that lift you up. the world is negative enough, and we're always going to have problems and abiguous obstacles that hurt us... so why not make the circle of people in our lives strong? it should be strong, loyal, and forgiving. it's so true. and a quote i read recently that absolutely makes sense with growing up and "losing" people, has really helped me with this concept:

"Sometimes, you have to realize that it's okay to have people in your heart, but not in your life." 

it doesn't mean you need to stop loving them, it just means you need to stop thinking about them every day if it's bringing you down. no one needs that kind of poison, life's tricky enough. :)

right now i'm looking forward to a wonderful chicago summer with Scott, Wrigley (dog), and friends. i'm so happy it's warming up. i feel grateful to have a job in this economy (even if it's not a prestigious job, it's a steady job), my health, my family, my loyal friends, and of course, Scott and Wrigs. no matter what has changed in my 20's, i wouldn't change a thing right now -- and that's what matters. 

30.

i turned 30 about two months ago.

i didn't really think i'd have a problem with turning thirty, and i still don't really have a "problem" with it, but i'll admit that it does feel a lot older than 29 did. and while i know it's just a number, it feels different.

something happened in the past few months. i have no idea if it has to do with me, my circumstances, or the way life has handled itself to me, but suddenly i'm just so much less concerned with what anyone thinks. i don't mean that in a bad way. i respect opinions of my friends and family and always will, but i just don't seem as affected by it as i used to. i can remember entire days and nights consumed with thoughts of "what do they think?" and i can honestly say i just don't think that way anymore. i still love everyone, i always will. i respect opinions, but i realized that you just have to listen to yourself. and i have no idea what made me realize it, but i did... and i'm happier than i've been in a long time.

i have realizations about a lot of things. i know i was meant to be a teacher. i have always known so and still do. every time i hear anyone say "follow your heart" or "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" it secretly hurts me because i know i need to teach. but - it's not too late and i will!

love: love has brought upon emotions in me that i didn't even know were possible. both positive and negative. i have become the loving person i knew i had in me, but to a capacity i did not even realize i had in me. and, i have been happy to an extent that i didn't even realize was possible. negatives: i feel so strongly sometimes that i react in ways i didn't know i was capable of. love is SO powerful. i never believed anyone about this. it changes you, for the better, mostly, but also sometimes for the worst. i refuse to believe anyone that their relationship is perfect. it would be wonderful if life worked that way, but it just doesn't. at the end of the day though, it just doesn't matter.

it just doesn't.

if you love each other, you do everything in your power to always love each other. there are ups, there are downs, it's not that different than life, except you have something to look forward to coming home to. it is not an easy world and love/relationships aren't an exception to the rule. if it was perfect, would it be realistic? it's work, but it's worth it.... and i can tell you one thing - my life hasn't been perfect, my relationship hasn't been perfect, but i so strongly know where i belong. and that is all that matters. :)

happy new year!

chicago

i know i haven't written in a long time. has it been over a year? probably. honestly, i've lost track.

in either case...

i love this city. chicago is the best. my favorite seasons are usually spring and fall. spring and fall are crisp combinations of the variety of weather we see here and the combination makes me smile every year.

we had a tough winter. a blizzard, freezing temperatures, etc, and everyone complains--and i can't help but think: we live in chicago? either way, i will admit we've had a pretty miserable spring so far. it's been rainy, and cold, but do you know what i love?

the sun comes out and everyone is outside. people are walking their dogs, strolling down sidewalks, sitting on patios for dinner and drinks, and when i see this happen, every single year, i feel alive and i feel more in love with this city than i've ever been.

there are plusses and minuses about living somewhere with four seasons: the minuses being enduring blizzards, digging your car out of 4 feet of snow, not knowing what the day will bring weatherwise, and paying for both heat and air conditioning at full possible billing rights... the plusses--appreciating the ordinary. appreciating that the sun is out, that the beaches are open, that we can sit outside for once and enjoy coffee or dinner... we don't take these things for granted as Chicagoioans and i love that.

it's a fabulous city and i think everyone would live here if we didn't have winter. i'm looking forward to enjoying the summer, the movies in the park, the festivals, the patios, and the beautiful parks.

i'm fortunate to have lived here in my lifetime, i love you chicago.

life happens

i've been thinking about the irony of life a lot lately. actually, it started in the car one day with Scott. we were listening to this country song by Eric Church, called, "What I Almost Was." and the gist of the song is that he's happy about the things that have happened in his life, though they may have changed his plan, or his path. he's happy he didn't up being what he almost was. it got me thinking.

life is funny. everything i have thought was the end of the world, or everything out of the scheme of my normal plan, has always turned out just fine. i thought of many instances of this, the first being a ten year old little girl terrified to move across the country and leave Texas and everything she knew. i mean, i cried every night for a year, and i can remember my mom sitting by my bedside, and crying because i was crying. and now, looking back, i simply can not imagine my life without that move. i didn't understand it then, but now when i think back on it, it gave me a chance to get to see my aunts, uncles, and grandparents a lot more. that move caused me to meet people that are my best friends now, and that i can't picture my life without. maybe it wasn't in my plan, but it was certainly in someone's.

i thought life was going to end when i graduated college. i really did. i couldn't believe that my so-called childhood was over, that my days of freedom and youth were just supposed to cease right then. no one told me that it doesn't have to. sure, you grow up a little. you get a few more bills, you get your first real job, and you move into your first little studio apartment... but you know what? my twenties have been fabulous. i've spent four years in a great city that i love and i don't feel old at all. yes, i have more responsibilities, there is no doubt about that, but i learned a lot about people and i learned a lot about life, and i think in some sort of natural selection process i only ended up associating with the people and things that are good for me. and i'm happy.

mostly, lately, i've been thinking about my job situation. never in a million years would someone have told me at 10 years old, 15 years old, 18 years old, even 25 years old... that i would have ended up being a nanny for almost 2 years. it will really be 2 whole years with Ben and Taylor in a couple of weeks. i will admit there are time that i've been down on myself about it, simply because i do feel that i worked so hard to get an education and get a good career. in the past year, i've really changed my train of thought about that, and here's why.

i may not be where i thought i would be in the marketing world, but i do believe i will get there. and in the meantime, i've had a job that is so valuable to a family, and that's in some ways, more rewarding than working for a company. i've made a very good friend with Taylor, and grown close with her and Ben over the years, and i've had fun. there was never a day that i felt like i dreaded going to work. i certainly felt that when i worked at the hospital now and then. and, Ben brings me joy. i don't know how anyone couldn't get joy out of a two year old. it's incredibly fulfilling to see someone so completely full of life and innocence. it makes you wish we could all be that way from time to time, and i get the chance to see that a lot. i've learned from Taylor's resilience as a single mother, whom when i met her was working full time and in law-school. i've never seen her feel sorry for herself or complain. she just takes what life hands her and she carries on. i certainly wish i could be more like that, and i always have that to think back on when i'm feeling bad about myself for something so much smaller.

and in relationships, in life, i think the hard parts are what makes you realize what the good parts are. i love living in chicago because i think we enjoy summer and spring 100 times more than people who live in a warm place all of the time. it's an analogy for the same thing. we endure winters, they're long and cold and not fun, but we always survive and we have something to look forward to in the end. in good will hunting, robin williams says, "And you'll have bad times, but it will wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to." and i certainly think that's true. if you want the rainbows, you have to put up with the rain.

i really do believe everything is full circle. sometimes it takes longer than others, but it always seems to work out. every single time i have thought it was the end of the world, it wasn't. and years later, it was quite the opposite. it all works out. a lot of these things i mentioned prior were not in my plan, but you know what, they've worked out just fine.

appreciating great dad's

saturday, scott and i arrived at my parents house to celebrate my grandpa's birthday, father's day, and my parents anniversary.

i gave my dad a card that truly fit. the line i liked the best, that i found to be perfect for this point in my life... was one about "even when someone else comes along, you are still in many ways, the number one man in my life." i thought it was fitting. scott is the best, but no one can replace a dad.

anyway, my dad, a few drinks deep started to talk to scott and i about his dad. i could tell it was hard for him to talk about. his dad died when i was about 5 years old. unfortunately, i never knew him too well and i always feel sad about that. at the time, we lived in texas so i wasn't really around much and my memories of him are quite scarce. however, his story lives on through my dad. immediately when my dad talks about his dad, he tells me, and other people "you would have liked him, everyone liked him." i can't help but to picture him just like my own dad.

anyway, i asked him if fathers day is hard once your dad is gone. and he said, every day is hard. he told me that it's especially when he's feeling down, like right now being out of work, that he feels like he wishes he could just have a conversation with his dad. it makes me tear up to even write this, but i want to remember it forever.

he said "he always had a way of calming me down and making me realize it's not that bad." and i said "well you do that for me too, so maybe you picked that up from him."

it's the truth.

i said "dad, i can't imagine. i really can't imagine a time in my life, though i know it will probably come, that i can't pick up the phone and call you guys. i just can not imagine that time at all."

and he goes, and this still makes me tear up to even think about it...

"Amy, i felt the same way about my dad. i thought he'd live forever."

i really can't even replay that in my head without crying. partially because i feel so sad for him that he can't talk to his dad when he's sad, and partially because i feel the exact same way. i know that it's not true, but i really do, in some ways think, my mom and dad will be around forever. i guess it's the only way to think though. you can't dwell on the negative. it's still hard to picture life without my parents around. i can't really do it.

a bit later in the night my dad brought scott and i to the basement. he told us he wanted us to hear something. he played a chet atkins song, called "i still can't say goodbye" and tears formed in his eyes as he listened. my dad's really quite a strong man. i think i've seen him cry 3 times, maybe ever, but this song was so touching and i can understand his relation. the lyrics are below but before you read them, you should know about a story. my dad used to climb on the shelves in his dad's closet and try on his clothes... to try to look like him when he was younger. so those words especially rang true for him. anyway, here are the words to a very touching song:

When I was young, my Dad would say

Come on Son let's go out and play

Sometimes it seems like yesterday

And I'd climb up the closet shelf

When I was all by myself

grab his hat and fix the brim

pretending I was him

No matter how hard I try

No matter how many tears I cry

no matter how many years go by

I still can't say goodbye.

He always took care of mom and me

We all cut down a Christmas tree

He always had some time for me

Wind blows through the trees,

Street lights, they still shine bright

Most things are the same

but I miss my Dad tonight.

I walked by a Salvation Army store

Saw a hat like my daddy wore

Tried it on when I walked in

Still trying to be like him

No matter how hard I try

No matter how many years go by

No matter how many tears I cry

I still can't say goodbye.

-Chet Atkins

of course, watching my dad tear up made me tear up. i just saw how much he missed his dad. my dad very rarely shows weakness, in fact, he always seems very unaffected by life. i know that isn't the truth, but he's not a negative guy and would never complain or let someone know that something is really getting him down. so, it's rare i see him vulnerable. and that was part of it. and part of it was, standing next to my dad, on fathers day, appreciating him and realizing how short life is, and how important it is to remember moments like this one forever. i'm sure it's not easy to lose a parent, but we are so fortunate to have memories. and i never want to forget this one. it was a brief moment, but a powerful one. i'll never forget it.

39 years

my parents anniversary is this Saturday. June 19.

i got them a card that brought me to tears, partially because it's actually perfect wording in my opinion, but partially because it rang so true.

i'm happy to have been raised in such love and i'm happy that i learned love from two great examples. my parents are truly still best friends. it's amazing. not only have they been married 39 years, they've been dating far longer than that. i think it would be something like 46 years if we did the math. it's not that they're perfect or never have disagreements, it's just that they know how to handle them. i have yet to see anything negative in their relationship, and i'm so glad i grew up seeing such love. i know i am lucky for it and i hope to stay as happy as they do in my life. it's quite an accomplishment, and builds quite a family.

i wanted to keep the words of the card before i seal the envelope. i really like the words.

"Mom and Dad,

The story of our family

is made up of many things--

from silly jokes

to good-night kisses,

from nicknames

to summer vacations,

from hard good-byes

to the most joyous homecomings.

The story of our family

is made up of love

and time

and memory...

all the things

that really matter.

And at the heart

of our story

will always be

the two of you.

Happy Anniversary"

aw, that last paragraph makes me tear up every time. it's the perfect card for them.

1 year 2 months later

I think it's a little unaligned on the site. Click the video for the best results.

Love you Scott. :)

continuation

i have to say i wasn't done speaking after my last post.

i haven't slept well since monday, since my dad got the news. last night i was crying in bed and just doing my best to explain to Scott how life isn't fair.

i've been thinking about the parallels of life a lot, and the circle of life as well. all i can say at the end of all of this thinking is that i wish i could do more. i feel so completely helpless at this point, and there is no one i would rather help more in this world.

as for the parallels, i've given so much thought as to what my parents have given to me in life. first of all, life itself. i'm lucky to even have them as my parents. chance isn't always a perfect thing but i can't think of anything more perfect than my parents being my parents and i am so grateful for that every day.

beyond the obvious, they've taught me patience. grace. love. acceptance. i can't imagine my life any differently. sometimes when i think about my mother not being able to have children biologically, it baffles me. she is a born to be mother. at the same time, i do believe this was all, meant to be. i can't imagine my family any differently and i feel fortunate to have landed where i landed, if that makes sense. my mother is the most giving woman i have ever met. if i become half of the mom that she has been throughout my entire life, i'd be honored.

and my dad, well, i can't say enough about him. i think he's the reason i didn't cut myself short, ever, because i had a positive male influence in my life. i think he's my rock. he's what i have when i have nothing else. on a hard day, i have my dad. rough interview, my dad will lift my spirits.

i don't know what else i can say to explain how blessed i am. and perhaps it takes hard times to realize it, but i'm so lucky to have it all of the time.

i love you mom and dad, and i know you both very well. and i know that you'll get through this.

my dad

most times in life when something seems to go wrong, or something hurtful happens to someone, i always like to think that it may be for a reason. and maybe that reason won't come for five years, or even twenty years, but in hindsight it will eventually all come together and make sense in some grand plan.

now, is this the way the world works? who knows. i certainly don't. i have certainly found that in my own life, a lot of times when i think something is the end of the world, it turns out not to be at all. and that things heal with time. and that while one day the universe and life can seem so overwhelming to me, another day will come at another time that makes me realize that looking back on that overbearing day, it was all part of this grand scheme and mad me stronger and better for some reason or another, or led me to a path i wouldn't have otherwise discovered.

maybe it's just my own way of coping with things, to hope that something comes later in life that makes it all make sense. or maybe it's really true. i don't know. what i do know is i can't find any rhyme or reason for the phone call i received this morning.

i heard my phone vibrate and i was in the other room with Ben, the little boy i'm currently nannying for. i figured the call probably wasn't that important and i'd check the message and get back about it later. well, it was my dad who called and he called to ask me not to email me at work anymore... because he no longer worked there.

when i heard his message and his seemingly positive, strong voice say this on my voicemail, my stomach dropped within seconds.

see, my parents have been on quite a ride the past ten years or so. when i was in college, my dad's company started changing drastically and a lot of business moved to mexico. different people came to be in charge, and the company was entirely different and resulted in the first job loss. and it's been a journey since then. three more jobs, one out in california requiring a move, and one in new jersey requiring him to work from a distance. to avoid all the details, i'll leave it at this: he has been, at no fault of his own, through a career nightmare, and late in his career. and it has not been fair. i think we were all hoping that this job would take him into retirement.

and when i heard that message, i was crushed.

it's not that i don't think he can handle it. in fact, it's quite the opposite. i think if anyone can handle it, my dad can. and i know that when things seem too big for me, or beyond my means of control, my dad is the first person i turn to for that very reason--he knows how to handle things and how to make huge tasks seem small. he's great at keeping things in perspective. that being said, i don't think it would be HUMAN if he wasn't hurt and tired of this whole thing, and that is what kills me the most.

it's hard for me to understand that the same person who taught me to love so openly, so unselfishly... the same guy who has retained my logic for me when i am unable to, at times of personal crisis... the strongest man that i have ever met, with the best outlook on life, is going through this again. it just seems ironic, and i can't make sense of it. in fact, i'm writing right now because i don't know what else to do.

i spoke to my dad earlier, and i didn't know what to say. i asked him, "how are you?" and his response, like no one else's would be, was "Good!" and all i could think was, "Good? really?" i mean, he may have meant it but i will never understand how. but that's just his charm. he'd never accept pity, and that's what gives him strength. many people in this world are quick to say "woe is me" when anything happens, and i don't know where my dad learned this, but he's certainly quite the opposite. and even if he feels that way, you'd never know it and he won't tell you. i can't say i've seen this characteristic in too many people i've met in 28 years. and i've met some great people, and some absolutely positive people, but very few who i could say would be able to say, "hey, i'm okay, and how are you" after a day like that.

let me say one more thing.... i have yet to hear anything from my dad about how hard things are. i love him for that and i hope to be that strong someday.

at the same time, i can't stop thinking of the little things. i can still picture myself at six years old, riding my first Huffy bike, pink and purple, with training wheels, but most importantly, not being afraid because my dad was right there with me, and i fell he'd pick me up. that's what dad's are for.

and that is why i don't think i can make sense of this.

i mean i have been thinking about it all day. i can't stop thinking about it. i just feel so absolutely helpless about it all, and i can't think of anyone in the world i'd rather be able to help. i realize all of the chatter about the bad economy and people being out of a job, but...

i just can't seem to understand why the world doesn't recognize good people anymore. it breaks my heart to picture my dad going through this at almost retirement age, and although i know he has the strength to go to the next step, i just wish i could snap my fingers and get him there.

of course, i can't do that, so i will do what i can to help... which is to help him get his resume out there again, to be a listener when he needs one, to pass along any possible leads, and even more importantly thoughts and prayers until this is all figured out.

and i know it will all be okay, someday. these times aren't easy for anyone. and i know that if anyone can handle it, the strongest guy i know can.

i love you, Dad.

christmas

i went down to the christmas tree at daley plaza today. i had such a good day, sitting in pj's until i felt like getting ready, drinking coffee, watching movies, and knowing that later i'd head out to see all of the christmas magic that Chicago brings to me.

i do take it for granted sometimes, and i'm trying not to. i am well aware i won't live here forever. i got a cup of coffee and took the bus to state street. i looked in the macy's windows. i walked over to the daley center and took pictures of the tree, i walked around for awhile. i felt the christmas spirit of this great city.

and it was a great day. i'm so glad i went to see it. i listened to Christmas music the entire time and it made the ride go fast. i looked out the windows at tourists and passerbys and i just took it all in.

i didn't realize it until i was about halfway there, that i just felt like i was missing something. missing something? how? i'm in this gorgeous city where i live, surrounded by trees, decor, spirit... i've been doing this for years.

well, this year's different. my life has changed significantly. i'm fortunate enough to be able to say that i have truly met the love of my life. i am forever changed. i have no doubt in my mind that i am meant to be with Scott and i treasure every minute i am with him. this has easily been the best year of my life. hands down.

when i was young, i was probably sure the best year of my life would be when i turned 13. and then 16. and then 18. and then 21. i would have never guessed it would be the year i turned 28. scott came into my life, and he made me realize how wonderful my life could possibly be. i've always been a happy person, but i can honestly say i have never been this happy. and it just keeps getting better. the more i get to know him, the more i love him, the more i want to be with him. i want to share everything i have with him, and i'd give anything i could possibly give to make him more happy. he makes me a better person, and he loves me exactly the way i am. i've never had to falsify anything with him, and i know that i never will. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world, all of the time.

scott's in florida with his family for Christmas. i'm going to spend time with them the day after. my parents were still sad about me possibly being gone for Christmas, and i'm certainly glad to be able to spend it with them as well. i have fantastic parents and i know i'm extremely lucky for the amount of love i was raised with. it's made me who i am.

but, i will say, today, i wish scott was with me. and it's weird. i'm a pretty independent girl. i don't like the fact that i feel like i "need" someone anytime at all, and i'm not totally comfortable with the idea that i've been doing things like i did today for years, and today i felt like i was missing half of me...

at the same time, i love it, and i wish he was with me holding my hand as i looked at the tree lights. and it may sound cliche, but i just want every moment to be with him. i am so lucky to have met someone that i know is meant for me, and i just can't wait for the future.

and turning 28 was pretty painless and natural for me... years ago i would have never guessed this, but honestly, this is the best year of my life. i am so happy to know, love, and grow older with scott.

Merry Christmas.

post moving reflections

well, i've found a new home in Chicago.

for a long time, it didn't feel like home. the walls were bare, the furniture unbuilt, the space, well, it was just space.

i can honestly say that i finally feel at home here.

i'm not here a whole lot, but when i am, i like it. it's fun to explore a new neighborhood. i was so used to the same people, the same stores, the same restaurants, the same "things..."

it's been a dreary fall. i LOVE fall, and i LOVE fall in chicago, but this fall has just been depressing. for a month straight it rained. as much as you try to not let it affect your attitude, it does...

anyway, it was sunny today. and 60. and all at once i remembered what i love so very much about this city. the energy. the closeness. the way that you feel, when, even though you don't know a single person you're walking by, you're all city people, you're all in the same boat, you're all human.

i love that about this city.

i never thought i'd feel at home somewhere else. i left my old place and it felt strange saying goodbye to three years of my life.... but i guess now i realize, they're just years. happiness is happiness, and it has nothing to do with how old you are, or where you lay your hat.

and well, i'm happy. so so so happy.

i couldn't be more thankful for everything and everyone in my life.

moving

i'm down to less than a week in my apartment.

it's weird, as ready as i am for a new place, and more space... and as excited i am about the new place i found, i'm sad to be packing and leaving. i was almost asleep tonight (of course, when i should have been packing, i was laying in bed) and i made myself walk to starbucks to wake up so that i could get some packing done.

and i guess on the way there, i kind of thought about my familiar places that won't be so familiar anymore. it's funny what you get attached to. the things that stand out for me are: that starbucks, and i don't even like starbucks that much--but there's something about it, the homeless guy that i always say hi to on the corner, my favorite mexican restaurant, and, believe it or not, the 7-11 workers that always wave to me, and some of the bars that remind me of my first year of city life. haha. i know those seem like funny familiarities, but i guess it's interesting what you get attached to in three years of living somewhere.

lots of good times in this neighborhood. i would stay another year if i had a little more room. it's treated me well.

i remember my first night sleeping here. i remember that my apartment was put together, but it didn't feel like home at all. my stuff was all new, and i wasn't a city girl at all. there was nothing even slightly resembling home for me in apartment 301. i actually remember sitting up in my bed that night, and writing, and hearing the noises out my window... half full of excitement for the next chapter of my life, but half scared too. and i remember that i didn't sleep that well because i wasn't quite at home yet.

it's funny to think about that now, because as much as i'm sick of this place and ready to move on, and have a bigger apartment, it's definitely home. it feels like home when i walk in the door. there's a sense of relief about a place that feels like home, even if it's not your ideal home... it's home. that feeling of walking in the door after a long day, and throwing your bag down, and just sitting down at home - it's not the same anywhere else.

and i'm very excited for a new neighborhood, and a new home. but i also know that there will be that whole getting acquainted phase again, and probably another night of thinking and writing in my bed, and a month or two of making the place seem like home. but, it will get there. and once again, i'm excited for this next chapter. chicago has treated me well and i'm excited to explore a new part of it.

and now i'm going to stop writing and start putting the past three years of my life into boxes. it's been fun 1117.

bus story

usually the bus is pretty quiet. people mind their own business for the most part. in fact, i would say in all of my time in Chicago i could probably count the conversations i've had while utilizing public transportation on a single hand. people just usually aren't in the mood.

i talked to the woman sitting next to me today, and it really got me thinking.

i was taking the bus home as usual, and hanging up the phone with Scott and the woman next to me wanted to know how i liked my phone. she was thinking of getting her son an iphone soon. i talked a little about the phone and other such polite stranger conversation.

then she looked at me and said "so, what are you having for dinner?" and i was caught a little offguard. i mean, i didn't mind her asking, i was just caught offguard by the unnatural sense of friendliness while riding the CTA. it just doesn't happen usually. "i have no idea. i haven't even thought about it." and she told me she was just trying to get ideas... we got quiet again and she looked at me and said, "Are you a teacher?" and i sort of laughed to myself and said, "No. I think I should have been though." and we continued to talk about Scott being a teacher, and other such things... but i thought about that the whole walk home, and a lot of the night.

i know the conversation isn't earth shattering or anything. maybe it's not even interesting to anyone else, but to me, it was shocking, and somewhat of a sign. i've been looking into programs lately to go into teaching. i'm not entirely sure i'm ready to do the school thing again, and gosh, switching career paths again scares me to death... but there is this part of me, this voice in the back of my head that's telling me it's what i was supposed to do. i remember that i wanted to teach from the day i could talk. i played school every single day. on scholastic aptitude tests when it asks your future profession, from grade 1, i wrote "teacher." i majored in elementary education at purdue for 2 years before i switched my major. i mean, i'm not making this stuff up. and it was just funny timing. here, i just completed my MBA. and don't get me wrong, i love marketing and i have a definite interest in it - but i still wonder about teaching all of the time. i guess it never really left me. i've been thinking about it even more since i graduated, and even found a good, reasonable quick program if i want to pursue it.

so, i don't know. it was just kind of funny to hear that from a stranger. people influence me so much. i left that woman on the bus, wished her a good evening, and got home and thought about my future career all night. it's just interesting - i guess you never know how you are going to affect someone with your words. i mean, i don't know what it means that i look like a teacher to that woman, maybe nothing. but maybe it was just what i needed, too.

summer 09

i haven't written anything in a really long time. that isn't to say i haven't thought about it now and then, but things have been busy and life has been well so i haven't been thinking too hard.

i've had the best summer. it has seriously been the perfect summer. i want to explain it and describe it, but i'm afraid i won't be able to do it justice. i've gone to some great concerts, spent some wonderful weekends in Michigan with Scott and sometimes with his family. i've worked less, worried less, and took more time to enjoy my friends, my family, my great boyfriend, and the awesome city of Chicago.

looking back on this summer of course, it went way too fast.

i'm grateful every single day, multiple times per day that i know scott. i know it might sound cliche, or corny, or whatever you want to call it... but i find it hard to believe that there was a time in my life when i didn't know him. it doesn't seem possible. i'm so lucky that i've found someone like him who is truly my best friend. we have so much fun together... but he's also my rock.

and on my worst day, and my best day - he's the person i want to tell about it because i know he will either make me feel better on the bad days, or celebrate with me on the good days. i'm so incredibly lucky to have found someone like him. it's weird to think about life before all of this: i mean, i know i was happy and i know i had a life, but it just seems weird to remember that he wasn't a part of it. i can't imagine a day without him now and i couldn't be happier than when i am with him.

in not so exciting news, things have been hard for me lately with the whole job search thing. i graduated about three months ago, and i have been looking and applying since a little before graduation. i've gone on some interviews, had several phone interviews, and i am sending my resume out every day. it's so tough right now. i know that i need to not take it personally when things don't work out, but i guess being the sensitive natured person that i am, i can't help but take it personally. there are days where i'm constantly asking myself - what is wrong with me? i'm educated, motivated, and personable and i just can't seem to find anything. that being said, i know it takes time. and i know i'll find something... but it's been pretty hard for me to stay level headed. i know that i have to remember that i'm doing my best, and realize that any job that doesn't come through isn't a good fit. and that there is a lot of competition out there... and most importantly, that it's not a personal attack. these companies are interviewing who knows how many people - it's pretty tough to stick out right now. i swear, finding a job is the most trying, unrewarding process in the entire world. it takes so much time, energy, dedication, and the payoff takes a long time. but, there will be a payoff, and patience is key. sometimes i'm not as good at being patient as i would like to be.

the other day i was having one of those days... where i'm kind of focusing on everything negative in my life. i know better than to do that most of the time, but i think everyone has those days where it just seems like it won't stop. i'm thinking things like... i worked so hard in school, and i can't find a job. my car is broken. my apartment is too small. you know, everything i can possibly think of that is bad... and then, i get off the train at the paulina brown line stop, and i see a man searching through the garbage for something to eat. that was a big reality check for me. i couldn't help but feel guilty about the pity party i was having for myself for the 20 minutes prior to seeing him. i guess it's important to remember that it could always be worse. it's hard when you have expectations for yourself, but i can pretty much guarantee you i'll never be in that guy's situation in my entire life.

that shut me up pretty quick.

i'll be moving before october, so that's exciting. i'm pretty sure i'm going to move north, and definitely sure i am going to get a bigger place. my apartment has been good to me, but i think that my collection of "stuff" is outgrowing a studio apartment at this point. and well, i'm getting older. when i first moved downtown, this was plenty of space for me. now, it seems way too small. so, the move will be exciting. a new neighborhood,a new place, more room. i can't wait.

all in all, i have to say... life has been good.

this year's love

i knew that someday my favorite song would mean more to me than beautiful lyrics. i knew that someday, i'd come across the right guy and i'd actually understand and feel the lyrics, rather than just admire them.

i'm a lucky girl.

you know, i swear i have never been one of those girls that spent their whole life looking for love. i always sort of believed that it would just happen when the time was right. i'm a strong believer in the fact that if you look too hard for something, you're going to settle for the wrong thing. well,  27 years later, i'm glad i stuck to my instincts. 

you know, i'll admit for awhile it was a little discouraging when everyone was settling down and i knew that i was a good person with a lot to offer, and i just wasn't meeting the right guy.  i'll admit it that when i had my heart broken a couple of times, i wanted to give up. and i'll admit it that nights got lonely a lot of the time. 

none of that matters now.

i can not even begin to explain how much my life has changed in a matter of months. i know some people would, and maybe even do, say that i'm crazy. you know what i say? i don't care. i have never been this happy in my entire life. i can't even believe this is my life right now. it's more than anything i ever imagined. i've always been sensitive, i've always been somewhat of a romantic, and i guess i always had the hope that i'd fall in love... but never the expectation. i think that i've lived by a phrase my entire life, "hope for the best, but expect the worst." a bit of a realist, sure. but you have to be when you don't know what's going to happen.

the point of all of my midnight rambling is this - i am positive i have never been this happy in my entire life. i am certain that i have met the love of my life. i have never had so much in common with someone. never met someone that can make me laugh and have a serious conversation with me within the same ten minutes. someone who accepts me for who i am. someone i want to call at the end of the day, whether i had the best day of my life, or whether i'm ready to give up. someone who would be there for me the second i said i needed him. 

i know this is all so sappy, and i don't know what to say to excuse myself. because it's the way i feel. all of the sudden all of those songs don't seem so silly, all of those movies don't seem so "far fetched." and love doesn't seem so surreal or impossible. 

i'm so happy. i've never been so happy. 

a good friend of mine told me recently, "Love isn't hard." and i couldn't agree more. looking back at my life, and how much i tried to believe in love, it's sad to look back at that. it's hard to remember that, because none of it was real. now i know what's real. it's not hard. it shouldn't be hard. 

you know, i've loved the song "this year's love" since it came out, when i was a senior in high school. i remember hearing it, playing it on repeat, and loving the lyrics. as i got older, i knew i wanted it to be in my wedding, if i ever got married. and now, i know that this year's love for me, is 2009. 

couldn't be happier.

first of all... i am officially done with school. i don't graduate until saturday... but tonight i did my final presentation and i can't even believe the thought of not having homework. i feel so good.

secondly... i am pretty sure that i have the best boyfriend in the world. 

everything has been perfect. i can't even explain it, i don't want to sound so sentimental but i'll just say i've never felt like this in my entire life. i'm so happy. he 

makes me so happy. 

i went on a whim and invited him to christine's wedding, which is in amelia island, FL at the end of the month. i figured it was pretty much going on a limb as we haven't known each other all that long and well, it's across the country. and it looked like things weren't going to work out. flights were expensive, etc etc etc. 

last night he came over and asked me if i wanted my graduation present. graduation present? i have not even graduated yet! i told him he did not 

need to get me anything... and he responded, "well, it's something you need." finally, after going back and forth a few times, i said i would open it.

i opened it, and here's what i found. 

funny story about this... i have been saying for awhile how i want to learn how to cook a turkey. random, i know... but i just feel like i know how to cook a lot of things and not a turkey? 

after further googling, i found out that you need to have a meat thermometer? i was like "a meat thermometer, who has one of those??" 

and so, i thought it was clever, thought it was cute that he remembered, and i laughed.

then i opened my card.

it's one of those song cards from hallmark... and i listened to the song, and i thanked him and i was about to put it back in the envelope... and he asked me "do you ever play with these cards, and see how the music works?" and i said "what?" and then he showed me the middle of the card where you can do that... i started to play with it and he said "wait, is something in there?" (the piece of paper in the picture was not sticking out that much at the time) and i looked... and...

yes, he booked his flight to florida. without telling me. and talked to christine and submitted his informal RSVP to the wedding. 

i'm still in shock and i feel like this is all surreal. i have never known someone so thoughtful in my entire life... and i feel like last night was a dream. i know that all sounds so sappy and silly, but it's really how i feel.

i'm still waiting for someone to wake me up.

and i am so excited to spend a weekend in florida with my favorite guy. 

i'm so lucky. 

best graduation ever.

distraction

i logged onto google reader today and i had 250 unread posts. the most i've ever seen that number escalate to is maybe 30. 

okay, so i've been a bit distracted. 

gotten a little less reading done, finding shortcuts in homework more than usual, talked to my parents a little less.

all for a good reason though. i guess logging into google reader made me actually realize how absent i've been.

i met a really good guy. good, down-to-earth, fun, positive, happy, dedicated, has his life together, sort of guy. we've spent a crazy amount of time together in the past two weeks and it's  been nothing but fun. i'm loving every minute of this and i feel extremely lucky. 

we have a good thing going right now. it's awesome. we're on the same page about almost everything and we are just literally taking it a day at a time and enjoying each other's company. it's exactly what i have always wanted. i've been walking around with my chin up for a few weeks now and smiling more than usual. things have changed in the past few weeks, but there is no doubt in my mind that it's for the better. 

i don't want to sound all mushy and silly, but i guess i am going to and i guess that is what happens when you are into someone. i'll just say this - when i wake up, i want to talk to him. when i go to sleep, i want to say goodnight first. i want to know how his day is going. i want him to be happy all of the time and i want to do whatever i can to make him happy. all of this happened really fast, but i'm at a point now where i don't feel like a day is complete until i talk to him and hear about his day. it's a ton of emotions that i don't really think i've ever totally felt before and i have been so unbelievably happy. 

this guy is a sweetheart--down to the root definition of the word. he wants to make sure that i am safe. he wants to make sure that i am happy. he wants to spend time with me whenever our schedules allow it. he wants to surprise me and he wants to talk whenever we can. i could tell from the day that i met him that he is a genuine, caring person. he literally had me from hello.

i debated about writing this on my blog, but i guess i feel like the point of my writing is that i want to remember how things feel. i love looking back at this thing and reading old posts... even if they're sad, because it takes me right back to that moment. the power of words is crazy. i can literally get right back in a moment by reading my thoughts if i write them i the present. and so, i felt like it would be cheating myself and this great thing i have going right now if i didn't write about it.

anyway, life has been the best it has been for me in a long time. maybe ever. i'm crazy about this kid, and i think he's crazy about me... and i am just really excited for whatever comes next. i have a feeling it's going to be a great summer!

life

after attending a funeral today, of someone i knew in high school, i feel so compelled to write.

life is such a wonderful, but strange thing... i just wish everyone could live forever.

today was very hard for me. to see, someone i knew who had passed away far too young, ready to go to rest.

i guess the strongest thing i felt was that life is so so fragile. it's something i don't understand, something i will probably never understand.

danielle spoke beautifully today. she talked about good times with amanda, growing up with her, being young, free, and timeless. i was never that upset until i put it into my own terms--losing someone you were and are so very close to. it's not right. i can't imagine if i were in the same situation, not at all. 

but, i think if something came out of this at all it is that you have to treasure people in your life. sure, people disagree, or they're on a different page than you are. so what? all of that is small stuff. it's scary how much we all take each other for granted. i just hope this is and was a learning experience for me, and everyone else. and that we need to remember the little things, sometimes the littlest things and realize how very lucky we are to have our health, happiness, youth, and freedom...

RIP Amanda, we will all miss you very much. thanks for being in our lives.

writing

my grandmother was a writer. she kept a diary her entire life and dreamed of publishing a book someday. i'd like to think that she was my influence, but unfortunately i learned this about her far too late in her life.

life is too short.

i was in college when she passed away. my parents moved back from LA when she was sick to take care of her and moved into her little house with her until the bitter end. i came home one weekend from school, and she was a different person than i remembered. she had lost her incredible memory, her wit, but she still had her passion, and her love for crossword puzzles.

i came home, which wasn't exactly home for me; but i understood why it was home at the time. and i remember how confused she was. she wasn't sure who i was. she recognized me, but she wasn't sure why. and my dad drew her a crossword puzzle with things about me (for example, down 1 was purdue, across 4 was blue--for the color of my eyes). it didn't work.

what's interesting is she did remember that i loved to write. and that was the last coherent conversation i had with her. her memory, boggled, still knew that i wanted to write. i will never forget that day - she told me she wanted me to have all of her diaries. i still don't have them because of all of the moving and confusion that happened after she was gone, but i look forward to discovering them someday.

i have the same sort of thing. i have kept a diary since i was in the sixth grade. and since the whole "blog" era, i have done this instead. it's an amazing thing to know that i'll be able to pass on my words, my life, someday after i am gone. i know it's probably a long way away, but i'm glad i've kept some sort of a legacy. i'm sure she would have said the same.

i miss you, grandma lanie. thank you for your wisdom and all that you left me with.